Happiness is Measured Out In Miles

CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT

As I had guessed, I couldn't sleep a wink that night. My mind went just to the
moment when John had told me he had slept with lots of women, including some of my
best friends. I just kept tossing and turning in bed. I saw the sunshine from the
window and I felt as though that wasn‟t happening to me. I had that weird feeling I
my stomach. I thought about what John would be doing. I thought about going back to
him and forgive everything he had done. I needed him, but it was just like having an
angel and a demon over each of my shoulders. The angel told me to forgive John and
go back to him, that I‟d never find any other man like him. The demon told me I
should have dignity and forget him. My head hurt of so much thinking. I finally heard
the service cleaning the first floor bathroom of Kinfauns and I decided then it was
time to get up. I think I had just been in bed for a couple of hours. I had a shower
and got dressed.

When I went downstairs to the kitchen, Edu was already there having
breakfast.

 "Mornin'", she told me when she saw me. I smiled at her. I felt shitty. And I
looked shitty too. I had had a look at myself in the mirror and there were big
bags under my eyes. No make-up in the word could cover up that. "Did you sleep
well?" I chuckled.

 "Have you seen my face? I haven‟t slept a wink. I've got too many things in my
head, you know" She nodded.

 "I know, luv, I'm sorry", she said but then she looked at me with playful eyes.
"I'm sorry for John, I mean" It wasn‟t funny.

 "Edu! John‟s not a saint!", I objected. She knew what I was talking about. She
got up and started preparing a cup of coffee for me.

 "What happens on tour stays on the tour, Vicky”, she said quite matter-of-
factly. “They spend long periods of time without us. It's only fair that they
satisfy their needs every now and then. John loves you, very very much" How
come could she be so understanding? I very quietly had a swag of my coffee.
 "Yeah, sure”, I said. “That's why he tried to make you" Edu gulped. "Or why he
slept with Eli for that matter"

 "Oh, Vicky... I promise you I didn't... You know, he tried but... I never...", she
said quite concerned.

 "Oh, no, no!", I interrupted her. "I know you didn't sleep with him, he told me

 "He tried to, Vicky, but he was stoned, and drunk, a dangerous combination...
One of the nights he reckoned you were with Paul" I looked at her. I got up and
hugged her.

 "Thanks, Edu. Thanks a lot for not sleeping with John… Pity I can‟t say the
same about Eli" she broke apart from my hug.

 "Vicky, I‟d never do that, and you know it", she said. Then she paused a little
bit and then she asked me: "What are you going to do now?" The million dollar
question: I had no idea.

 "Well, if you mean in the long term, I have no idea, in the short run, I‟m going
to talk to Paul”, I said. “We parted a bit weirdly last night”. She looked at me
suspiciously. "Yeah, he drove me home and was so chicken shit that he didn‟t
dare talk to John, so he just left me there at the entrance"

 "What do you mean?"

 "That he just stayed in the car and drove off” I said, getting up. She shrugged.
“Oh, Edu”, I said. She turned to me. “Can I use George‟s Mini? Does he need it
today?”, I asked.

 “I don‟t think so, Vicky”, she said taking the keys out of a jar by the door. “And
anyway, we can always call Alf” She gave me the keys and came with me to the
door. She held my hand.

 "Good luck, dear. Talk to you later", she said and just walked away. I closed
the door and thought. Good luck? What did she mean?
 I took George‟s Mini and drove off to Paul. I was nervous. This was like the
beginning of a new period, a new life for me: a new life without John. But, how to
start a new life without someone you love madly? Paul was just a stand-in.

When I arrived, there were a few gate birds at the door, as usual. I suppose the bad
weather had prevented a bigger crowd from staying there that early in the morning.
It was freezing. I could see Paul's Aston Martin was parked so I assumed he would be
home. I rang the intercom and Mrs Doris opened the door for me. She could
recognise my voice quite well, so she didn't need to ask who I was. Paul was in the
bathroom, she told me, but I could wait for him in the living room or in the music
room. I decided to wait for him in his bedroom. I don‟t know, I found it more private
and Paul and I had spent many beautiful moments there. So I went upstairs. The bed
was unmade and there were some clothes spread on it. I smiled. Definitely Paul
needed a woman to liv with him: Eli had never lived there properly. I sat on the bed
and waited for him looking outside the window. I didn't have to wait long. He entered
the room a few minutes later, with a towel around his waist and his hair all wet. He
was still wet from the shower and his hairy chest was shiny from the drops of water,
I have to admit Paul was sexy. I had never liked men with hair on their bodies, but
somehow Paul was different. And I also thought how Paul had never made love to me
drunk or looking for his own pleasure, like John had sometimes. Still, John was John
and I loved him like mad.

 "Luv!”, he said in surprise when he saw me. “What are you doing here?" He
looked at me with a concern look on his face. "John won't have thrown you out,
will he?"

 "Oh, no, Paul! Quite the opposite. I left", I said. Paul sat down next to me on
the bed. I looked into his eyes. "Yeah, Paul, I had to tell him"

 "Why?”, he said putting a piece of hair behind my ear. “We decided to tell them
together..."

 "I had to, Paul", I said softly. My voice was breaking just like the night before
at the memory of John and me arguing. "He confessed having slept with
thousands of women during our relationship"

 "Bloody bastard", he said looking into my eyes. I looked at him.

 "Yeah, well, Paul, you know he's not the only one", I told him. He seemed
uncomfortable.
  "What do you mean?" I looked into his eyes again and saw he was being genuine.

 "He also told me you've slept with thousands of women..." Paul‟s eyes opened in
amazement.

 "Fucking bastard!", he muttered looking at the floor. So, he didn‟t deny it!!

 "You've already said that, Paul!", I told him a bit angry. "I suppose nobody
forced you to do it"

 "Hell, Vicky! I couldn't be with you, officially. It would have been too obvious if
I hadn't been doing anything" I played with a thread that was sticking out
from his bed sheets. "Christ, luv! I wouldn't have done anything if I had been
with you, and you know that. John might, but I'd never" Paul lifted up my face
and looked at me. Then he kissed me and pushed me back on the bed. "Oh, luv! I
want you so bad...", he said kissing my face. "I've been waiting for this moment
for so long, the moment when you and I could finally be together. Free...
Without John in your life..." He kissed my neck and worked his way down to my
shoulders. He was half naked but I was fully clothed, and being winter, I was
wearing a very thick long-neck sweater. He didn't seem to mind as he kept on
kissing my breasts over the sweater. I was starting feeling so aroused that I
stopped him and looked at him directly into his eyes. He took it the wrong way.
"What's wrong, luv?", he said. I didn't answer. I just took my sweater off over
my head and exposed my bra to him. He smiled. Then he kissed me in the mouth
and tried to unlatch my bra. Then he took it off and finally licked my naked
nipples. I moaned.

Then he suddenly got up and left me standing there. I looked at him in amazement. I
saw him go to the wardrobe and take out a box. He came back to the bed with the
box. He looked at me.

 “Close your eyes”, he ordered. My heart was pounding. What was he up to? I
obeyed. Then he took both my hands with one hand and put them over my head.
Then he tidied them up with a handkerchief. I opened on eye, but he saw me
and kissed me. “Shhh, close your eyes, luv” I was dying of the anticipation.
Then I heard how he took another object from the box. I felt how he lifted up
my head a bit and blindfolded me with a mask that covered my eyes. God! I had
never experienced that. My heart was beating inside my chest with such force
that it even hurt me.
Then I suddenly felt a sharp sensation in my right nipple. I tensed up a bit but then I
felt Paul‟s hand stroking my tit. Then I felt the same on the left nipple. I didn‟t know
what Paul was doing to me was it was incredibly pleasant. Now the pain gave way to
pleasure. Then he kissed the line of my stomach and reached my belly button. He
kissed it and then I felt how something pinched it. Then I understood! Paul had put
two clothes pegs on my nipples and one in my belly button. I arched my back in
pleasure. It was an incredible feeling I had never felt. It was so intense, that when
Paul kissed the skin below my belly button I came.

 “Oooohhhh”, I moaned arching my body. He then came up to my face and kissed

me in the mouth. He lifted up the mask and looked into my eyes. I smiled. Then
Paul took the pegs off my nipples and belly button and took out some body
cream from the box. Still with my arms over my head, Paul started massaging
my breasts and belly softly, spreading the body cream delicately on the places
where the pegs had been. I observed him. “I didn‟t know you were into this
stuff”, I told him. He kissed me on the mouth again.

 “There are many things you don‟t know „bout me, luv”, he said kissing me again.
“But I „ope you discover them with me” I smiled. Then Paul went down and
pulled my trousers down. He took them out lifting up my legs and kissed my
thighs. I was still with my hands tied. He bit my knickers and pulled them down
with his teeth until they were in my ankles. Then he took them out and used
them to tidy one leg to one corner of the bed. Then he took out another
handkerchief from the box and tidied my other leg to the other extreme of
the bed. I was eagle spread on the bed.

Then he then let the towel drop and I could see his tremendous hard-up. I opened my
eyes in amazement and giggled. I was starting to feel aroused again. He then licked
my cunt so pleasantly that I soon was on the verge of orgasms again but he stopped
before I came. He then crawled over me and kissing me on the mouth he introduced
his dick in me.

 "Mmm! Babe... How I love being inside you...", Paul whispered in my ear. He
pushed and pushed in and out in and out. I could feel his breath on my neck and
mouth. He stroked the left side of my body with his right hand. We both were
breathing hard and when I was about to come, Paul took his dick out of me and
came just over my belly, filling my navel with his white cream. I immediately
came too, feeling how my body shook with spasms that made me jump on the
bed. I felt his liquid oozing outside my belly button but I couldn‟t do anything,
I was tied to the bed. Paul rolled over and lied on the bed next to me. After a
couple of minutes resting there, he got up and went to take a wipe. He then
cleaned my belly button and my belly and untied me. I rubbed my wrists, as
they hurt a bit. Then I looked at him.
  “Paul, that was…”, I didn‟t know how to go on. I didn‟t have any adjective to
describe the sex I had just had. Nobody had ever done that to me. I had liked
it a lot!!! “Incredible”, I finished off.

Then I got up to go to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I suddenly
felt terrible. I had enjoyed sex with Paul so now officially I was cheating on John.
I suddenly became very self-conscious of my body. I saw the scar under my belly
button, now just a thin white line that was hardly visible. I saw my tits. And I saw
the pubic hair. Nor John or Paul had ever told me anything about my body, only
compliments but I suddenly felt ugly. Ugly because I had cheated on John, I
leaned in the sink and cried silently. Now there was no backwards. I felt shitty.
John would never forgive me now.

I sobered up a bit and came out. Paul was rubbing the towel against his waist. I
went directly to pick up my clothes but he stopped me. He grabbed me by the
waist and kissed me. I responded to the kiss a bit cold.

 "There‟s a party tomorrow to celebrate Rubber Soul's release and stuff...", he

told me.

 "Aha...", I said uninterested. I was feeling shitty and I couldn‟t stop thinking of
John.

 "I would like you to come with me", he said. I lifted up my head and looked at
him. Was he serious? That would be like telling the world we were officially
together. And John would be there as well! Oh, God! My heart started
pounding. It had the word DISASTER written all over the event.

 "Are you sure, Paul?”, I asked him. Had he thought it over? He nodded. Oh, my
God! How would John react? “OK, Paul. I'll be there with you", I said not
thinking what that would mean.

I went to Kinfauns to pick up a few things I had left on my night there. When I told
Edu, she understood. She told me she was also going but that I needed to talk to Eli
first. Oh, dear, another nightmare! I didn‟t want to phone her, as those were things
one had to discuss face-to-face. So I went to her flat, but she wasn‟t there, so I
went back to Paul‟s. Surprisingly, she was there picking up the few things she still had
in Paul‟s house.

She was packing her things when I entered Paul‟s bedroom. She was giving me her
back and didn‟t hear me.
  "I'm sorry...", I muttered. She didn't say a word and went on picking her things
without looking at me. After a short while, I wasn‟t sure I had actually uttered
the word so I uttered them again. "I said I'm sorry"

 "I heard you the first time", she said coldly but without looking at me.

 "Now you are free to shag John...", I said furious. Now she turned to look at
me.

 “I will, don‟t worry”, she said fiercely closing her suitcase.

 "That will be only if he wants", I blurted out. She looked at me menacingly and
I looked at her. My heart was pounding. I was prepared for a cat fight.
Everything to keep what was mine. But she didn‟t react. She took her suitcase
and walked past me. That was the last time I saw her.

When she left, I felt terribly alone. I was losing lovers and friends on my way
to happiness. Paul was in the music room and I stood there, feeling lonelier as ever. I
thought of John. I hadn‟t heard from him since our terrible argument. What would he
be doing? I phoned Kenwood and asked Dot to send Les with all my things over to
Paul's but I told her not to say anything to John. I knew it was difficult to secrets
from John but I had to try.

The nearer the time of the party became, the more tense I became. How would John
react? I never asked Paul about him. I didn't really want to know if he was with
another woman. John could never be single for a long time, he needed someone by his
side. We hadn‟t been apart from each other for long, but he could have women
drooling at his feet with only snapping his fingers.

Paul went down his studio and told me he had to go to run some errands, so I
decided to phone Ed and tell her everything I had lived with Eli. She was
dumbfounded. I told her I didn‟t care. She had never been a real friend anyway. Edu,
always down to earth, told me I had done exactly the same thing I was crucifying her
for. I felt terrible. She was right. But I felt as though I was more entitled to Paul
than she was to John. I mean, I had known Paul long before her and she had met him
because of me. I know it sounds childish but that‟s how I felt. Edu told me she had to
hang up, as she needed to get ready for the party. I looked at my watch and nodded.

I opened the wardrobe in search of what to wear. I didn‟t have time to go shopping
nor to go to the hair salon so I‟d have to make do with what I already had. I had a
look at the wardrobe but found nothing suitable so I started to panic. I thought
about not going but then I heard Paul entering the house and coming upstairs to the
bedroom. He walked in and left a big box on the bed, then he came to kiss me.

 “I thought it didn‟t arrive on time”, he said. I didn‟t understand what he meant.

Then I saw the box and looked at him. He smiled and nodded. I went to open it
and saw a lovely evening dress following the fashion of Mary Quaint. I took it
out and spread it with my hands. It was a short red dress and I drooled over it.
It was beautiful!!! But there were more things in the box. He had also bought
me white go go boots. I gasped. "You have a lovely body, luv", he told me. "You
should show it off more often" I kissed him in gratitude. I felt like a spoiled
child. I blushed.

 “Thank you”, I said feeling heat in my face. I put it on and it suited me like a
glove. I looked lovely in it. I held my hair up with my hands and looked at myself
from both sides. Wow!! Impressive! The things an expensive dress can do! Then
I thought about what to do with my hair. I asked Paul. “Paul, I didn‟t have time
to go to the beauty salon… What can I do with my hair?” He looked at me.

 “Your hair is lovely, Vicky. Let it loose”, he said. And so I did. I combed it
properly and lifted up the back. I also curled the ends a bit. That would do.
Then I applied make-up and had a final look in the mirror. Not bad. I wanted to
be stunning that day. I phoned Edu again to see if she wanted us to meet and
go together but she had told me George wanted to go with his friend Eric
Clapton from the Yardbirds. I felt disappointed but I understood so we went
with Paul in his Aston Martin.

While in the car, Paul stroked my legs.

 "Everybody's going to be green with envy when they see me, luv", he muttered.
I smiled at him. That was a great compliment. But I just wanted to impress
John. My ideal situation was that John begged me publicly to go back to him.

The party was in Brian Epstein's house and when we arrived, there were a lot of
people already there. All the beautiful people had gathered at Brian's. All the world
of music was there, the Rolling Stones, the Moody Blues, Peter & Gordon (yeah, Paul
had kept Peter's friendship although he had broken up with his sister Jane long ago)
and lots more with their beautiful blonde girlfriends. Maureen and I were about the
only brunettes there, as Edu hadn‟t arrived yet.

I scanned the place with my eyes to look for John. He was nowhere to be seen
and for a moment I thought he may not turn up. On one and I‟d be disappointed, as
John wouldn‟t be able to see me in my dress, but on the other hand it would be a
relief.

I noticed people whispering when Paul and I arrived. They looked at me and
whispered to one another. I knew this was going to happen and I was prepared for it.
I just needed Edu and some alcoholic drink to forget what I had got myself into. I
told Paul and he went to fetch two glassed f Scotch and Coke. He held his glass and
lifted it up.

 “To us”, he said. I smiled and we both drank from our glasses. But then, his
smile turned into a grimace ad opened his puppy eyes to the maximum. He was
looking in front of him.

 "Bloody Hell, Lennon...", he muttered. The party suddenly became silent. I

turned around and saw John holding by the waist one of the most stunning girls
I had ever seen. She was a smashing blonde with very big tits but her short
dress left nothing to the imagination. Mine was short but hers was more a belt.
Her cleavage left nothing to the imagination, her tits went up to her mouth.
That really was the height of bad taste. As I could notice, John was high on
pot. Paul then looked at me. "Don't take notice, luv", he told me. "He's just
broken hearted" I gulped. My heart had broken into a million pieces. John knew
how to hurt me. I had told him thousands of times how I hated my tits, they
were tiny and I usually covered them when I was naked in front of him. And
now here he was, with a girl with the biggest tits on Earth. I felt terribly hurt.

 "I wasn't taking any notice", I lied. My heart was broken and I felt humiliated.
Where was Edu? I needed to talk to here. I drank my Scoth and Coke in one
swag and asked for another. I held Paul‟s hand, I didn‟t John to see me alone
and sad. He squeezed it. I tried to act normal and forget about John but I
wanted to die when I saw John and the blonde coming towards us. I became
nervous and Paul became tense. Oh, God!! Where was Edu??? I needed her more
than ever.

 "Hi, Macca!", said John. He was grinning mischievously. I knew that grin. He was
pretending. And his eyes reflected he couldn't care less about the blonde girl.
"‟ow are ya doing, mate?" Paul rolled his eyes and held me by the waist too.
John realised and his face hardened. I noticed how he didn‟t even say hello to
me. "Let me introduce ya this smashing blond who „appens to be a big Beatles
fan, big as her boobs", he said. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe it. Not
only was he putting me down, but he was also showing off and trying to convince
Paul of putting me down too. The blonde girl giggled foolishly and I would have
killed her right there.
  "Come off it, Lennon! You're making a fool of yourself", said Paul tuning around
and taking me with him by the waist. But I still have time to see John kiss the
blonde almost violently. I thought that kiss must have even hurt her, so violent
it was.

 "Oh, Lennon", she said in a stupid voice. "I knew you could write wonderful
songs but I didn't know you could kiss that well" And she giggled again. I
needed to throw up.

 "I want to get out of here", I said. Both John and Paul looked at me with
begging eyes.

 "Let‟s go outside", said Paul. But I needed to be alone and phone Edu. Why the
hell wasn‟t she there yet?

 "No, Paul, I want to be alone", I said and started to walk towards the inner
patio Brian had. Paul seemed hurt and I heard John laugh. I didn‟t even want to
look.

I started walking towards the patio when I felt a hand grabbing me by the shoulder.

 "Vicky!" I turned around. It was Edu. Thank God! I didn‟t know she had arrived.
She was very well dressed too, and being as pretty as she was, she was
stunning.

 “Where were you?”, I said angrily. I think all my frustration was coming out and
Edu was there to receive it. “I‟ve been waiting for you!”

 "Oh, dear!”, she said ignoring my words. “Look at the girl John‟s with! Hell does
he have bad taste!" Tears were welling up in my eyes. I smiled at her with my
eyes full of tears. Now I understood why she was my best friend. I shrugged.

 "I don‟t care!", I said. Edu looked at me. She could read me like a book and she
saw I was not telling the truth. She shook her head.
  "Uh, uh. You still love John, Vicky", she told me. Then I started crying in her
shoulder. She grabbed me and took me to the patio. She didn‟t me to be seen in
that state and I appreciated it a lot.

It was freezing out there so the patio was empty. I sat on a chair and looked at the
sky. Edu stood there for a couple of minutes but then she told me she was going to
fetch me some water. Would I be alright? I nodded.

I kept on looking at the sky. There were no stars that night, being a cold and cloudy
December night. I started to think about everything that had happened to me since I
had met John. From being an anonymous girl from Spain to being like the Queen of
London, hanging out with the Beatles and with the rest of musicians of the sixties.
John and I had lived through so many things: our terrible L.S.D. trip that I shared
with him, Edu and George. John writing songs to me... "For Sale" was full of
references to me, because the songs were written and recorded in a period when
John somehow figured out I was sleeping with Paul. And then the beautiful song "It's
Only Love" that John wrote for me one night and that he recorded and put on "Help!"
But then the image of John and the blond girl came to my mind and my heart came up
to my mouth. I felt terrible. John had forgotten me in just a couple of days. The
proof he had never loved me. And I had loved him and loved him with all my heart. His
mop top had grown longer and now he was changing his style. He knew that brown
velvet jacket he wore on the "Rubber Soul" cover drove me crazy, and he was wearing
it tonight... I cried my heart out.

I suddenly felt a shadow hanging over me. Someone was there. I turned around
and saw John. My heart stopped.