Happiness Is Measured Out In Miles

CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

 "Pretty girl, John. I'm glad for you", I said looking away from him. He was on
his own. Where would he have left the blond girl?

 "I'm gladder fer Paul, ya know", he said with resentment in his voice. I knew
this topic wasn't going to lead us anywhere and I didn‟t want to suffer. I got up
to go but John grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it hard, almost hurting me,
and made me sat down again. I was a little bit scared, although I knew John
wouldn't hurt me. I looked for help with my eyes inside the house but Paul and
Edu were nowhere to be seen. John's hand weakened a little. "Vicky...", he said
softly. I looked at him. I loved that face. I loved those sharp features... I
loved the man and as usual, my legs weakened and I felt very weak inside. He
leaned to kiss me and I would have kissed him with all my heart hadn't it been
for Paul stepping out the patio at that very same moment. He came towards us.

 "I knew I had to keep an eye on you, Lennon!"

 "Fuck off, Macca! Go back to play PR with the fuckin‟ guests!", John retorted.
Paul rolled his eyes.

 "She's no longer with you, leave her alone" John looked at me with sad eyes.

 "Shut up yer bloody gob, Macca! Or you'll regret „aving met „er!", said John
aggressively. I was starting to feel dizzy. I held my head, as it was starting to
hurt.

 "Met whom? That bloody bimbo or Vicky? I sure regret having met that bimbo"
I lifted up my eyes and saw John going to Paul and started pushing him in the
chest.

 "You fuckin‟ know what I mean! Don't play bloody dumb on me, Paul, I know ya
better than that!", he said giving him little pushes on his chest. Paul didn‟t
react. I knew he wouldn‟t fight with John. Instead, he came to me and grabbed
my hand.
 "Let's get out of here, luv. Some people are too stoned to understand real
things!" He pulled me up and started walking inside the house but then John
grabbed my other hand and tied to stop me. I felt miserable. My head was
hurting terribly and I was feeling like a doll being torn apart by two big
bulldogs. I looked at Paul first, then at John. Both were really hurt and begged
with their eyes. They were forcing me to decide, and I was in no condition to
hurt Paul after all he had fought for me. I loved John madly but Paul had
helped through my worst times. I broke away from both and went running
inside the house. I started to look for Edu, who had witnessed the whole scene
with a bottle of water in her hand. .

 "Vicky!”, she gasped. I grabbed her free hand and took her to the bathroom.
When we entered, I closed the door and cried my heart out.

 "Oh, Edu, I'm in a great mess! Both John and Paul have gone crazy. I can't
believe they are forcing me to choose now between them” Her face changed
into a mischievous grin.

 "Oh, Vicky! Too bad, you see! Two Beatles crazy about you, you know", she
joked. But I couldn‟t see it was funny. I was crying my heart out. She shook her
head. "You must be the unluckiest girl in the world", she went on. I felt
desperate. If my only friend didn‟t understand me…

 "Edu, please, this is serious! I love John but have you seen his new girlfriend? I
can‟t fight against that!!", I cried. Edu rolled her eyes.

 "Don‟t be soft, Vicky! She‟s meaningless. Do you possibly think he likes that
type of girl??? He has more personality”, she said. But I wasn‟t that convinced.
Someone knocked on the door of the bathroom. “Occupied!”, shouted Edu. Then
she turned to me again. “Listen, why don‟t you come to Kinfauns for a couple of
days? The boys are going on tour in two days. Come with me. We‟ll talk all this
over there…” I thought for a few moments and it seemed like a good idea.

 "Could I go right now, Edu? I don‟t want to be here anymore…", I said. She
looked at me with genuine surprise. She nodded.
  "Take the keys”, she said giving me a key ring. Let‟s call a taxi” We went out
the bathroom and looked for Brian Epstein. We told him I wasn‟t feeling well
and he called a taxi for me. I didn‟t know if he knew about me and John but I
didn‟t care right then and I didn‟t want to find out.

 “Don't tell anyone where I'm going, Edu", I told her once we were outside
waiting for the taxi. She kissed me on the cheek. Then I looked inside for the
last time and I spotted John. Why on Earth out of everybody at the party I
had to spot John? He was smoking a joint and was leaned on the wall, staring
absent-mindedly in front of him. The smashing blonde was stroking his hair but
he wasn't paying any attention to her. I felt a pang of incredible jealousy. John
was still so sexy and attractive to me. I looked down. I needed to flee!!

Then we saw a taxi pulled up at the curb and I went in.

 "See you tomorrow, Vicky", she told me. I smiled and waved her goodbye.

When I got to Kinfauns, I went straight to bed. I didn‟t even put on my

pyjamas. I just took out the beautiful dress Paul had brought me and went into bed.
The heating was on, so it was warm in the room. I closed my eyes and started
thinking. I still had hiccups of so much crying. I had left lots of things at Paul‟s so I
would go to pick up my car in the next few days and I would also pick up my clothes
and belongings. I would try to do that when the boys were on tour. To sort this
difficult thing out I had to be completely alone.

I woke up the next day with Edu knocking on my bedroom door. Paul was on the
phone. I suddenly remembered I didn‟t say goodbye to him and he really didn‟t
deserve that after everything he had done for me. I ran to the phone still half-
asleep.

 “Vicky, luv, how are you?”, he asked genuinely concerned. “Edu told me you were
feeling sick and you went home… I mean, you went to George‟s”

 “Yeah, Paul…”, I didn‟t know how to continue. “Ahmm, listen… I need some days
to think about all this, you know… Seeing John with that girl shattered my
world…”, I said. I think that having been woken up in a sudden jump hadn‟t given
me time to think what I was saying. Which was the truth, anyway. Paul didn‟t
respond. Nobody said a word.

 “So, you still love John, don‟t ya?”, asked Paul. I felt uneasy.
  “I don‟t know, Paul I need to think about it”

 “But we‟re going on tour tomorrow, luv. I can‟t go like this!” I closed my eyes.

 “I‟m sorry, Paul. I need time to think”, I said. And before he could say anything,
I hung up. Then I sat on a chair next to the phone and put a hand on my
forefront. I think I even had a fever.

I went up to my room again and had a shower. I felt much better after it. Then I
went down again and went to the kitchen to have breakfast. George and Edu had
already had breakfast but they had left something for me. When I finished, I went
to the living room, where George was sitting on the floor cross-legged playing the
sitar. Edu was sitting in front of him learning. He was trying to teach Edu, she was
lately very much into the Indian culture and he was even trying to go to India to delve
into the Indian culture in such. I sat in an armchair and observed tem but the sound
of the sitar reminded me so much of the songs John had written for Eli, that I got up
to go. But just at that very moment, the intercom rang.

Edu got up to open the door. Their housekeeper was not working that day. When
the Beatles were about to have a tour or had just had it, Edu always got rid of them
so we could be on our own having fun. When she came back to the living room, John
was trailing behind her. I became tense and my heart started pounding. John looked
at me and I looked at him. I didn‟t know how to react. Shall I go and kiss him? Shall I
stay sitting? I finally got up in an impulse and walked to him. My heart was pounding
so strong that it hurt. When I got near him, John's features sharpened, but he gave
me a soft peck on my cheek.

 "Yer as lovely as usual", he said in a hoarse voice. I blushed. John voice always
sent me shivers up my spine.

 "Thanks", I said looking down. Then silence. No one said a word. Then John
spoke.

 "I need to talk to George", he said and my heart stopped.

 "Oh!", I said really disappointed. A lump formed in my throat. I honestly

thought John had come to talk to me. I didn't want my disappointment to show
but John noticed. We'd known each other for three years and he knew me too
well.
  "We can talk afterwards, if ye want...", he said, as though he owed me
something. I looked at him with a bit of hope in my heart. I wanted to work
things out with him. Seeing him there so gorgeous and sexy made me want to
come back to him and forget and forgive all his infidelities. I loved that man
with all my heart.

George and Edu had heard everything and Edu, my best friend, came to my
rescue. She said something to George.

 "Can't talk to you now, Johnny”, said George. I looked at Edu. She nodded. “Edu
and I have to meet Eric. Talk to you later" We all knew this was an excuse.
George and Edu always talked to Eric at night but anyway they left and John
and I stayed alone in Kinfauns face to face.

 "Sit down", I told him tapping the armchair next to mine. He did. I observed
him. God was he sexy! His hair and fringe were longer than ever. I remembered
when he received his MBE. We were together then and John had told me how
he hated those things. He accepted the medal on Brian's request, but that day
we'd been together, we had made love and John had told me he loved me
thousands of times. I believed him then, now I knew everything was a lie... I
looked down and tears welled up in my eyes.

 "Whatever 'appened to us, Vicky?", he suddenly blurted out. "What did I do

wrong?" That was the eternal question he always asked me. But this time I had
an answer. I looked up at him with my eyes full of tears. I saw him all blurred.

 "You slept with other women, John. How could I forget that?"

 "Fuckin' shit, Vicky! They were meaningless, I‟ve told ya thousands of times!
I‟ve only loved one woman in me whole life…", he said looking into my eyes. No,
no... Not again. I didn't want to hear that. That was no reason to sleep around.

 "One doesn‟t sleep around if they‟re in love”, I said. Then he looked at me and
smiled a mischievous grin.

 "You slept with Paul” I gulped. We had entered into an endless circle.
 "But you're with that girl... I don't know her name. What's her name, John?", I
said remembering the gorgeous woman John had gone to the party with. John
laughed.

 "Do ya think I could possibly „ave a serious relationship with „er?”, he said. “I
just shagged „er, she was there for me when nobody wanted me... When YOU
didn't want to be with me", he said and then he stopped. My heart was again
breaking into a million pieces. I didn't know what to say. I should have never
left John. I had played a game and I had lost. And now it was too late. John
seemed to read my mind. "Anyroad, it‟s too late now. There's nothing we can do
now, ya‟ve made your choice", he said getting up. I panicked.

 "Are you leaving?", I said getting up too. He smiled at me.

 "Yeah, I'm leaving. And I won't disturb ya anymore, luv. I see yer quite happy
with Paul. I've been down and out for a long time after ya left me, but I'm OK
now. I'll bloody survive", he said. I gulped. John was telling me goodbye! And he
was going on tour the next day. No, no! Oh, no! I didn‟t want to lose him. I
hugged him and clung to his neck.

 "John, we can work it out! We really can!", I begged. He smiled weakly.

 "We can't, luv, and ya know it… not after ya‟ve been with Paul publicly", he said.
He smiled at me with that wonderful smile I'll never forget. "How could I be
with ya knowin‟ ya've been with me best fuckin‟ friend? Can‟t just close me
fuckin' eyes and forget it all" My heart was pounding incredibly fast.

 "John, please...", I begged with my eyes full of tears.

 "Shhh", he interrupted me. He hugged me and then he put a finger on my lips.

"I'll always love ya, Vicky. I'll never forget ya, ya've been an important part of
me life. All this Beatle thing would‟ve been shit if ya hadn‟t been with me… But
we can't be together, luv, understand", he said. Tears were running down my
eyes. I didn't want to lose John. No, no, I couldn‟t lose him!! He walked towards
the door.

 "JOHN!!", I shouted. He looked at me for the last time and said:

  "Bye, luv. Ta for everything!", he winked at me and walked away. I was left
behind in agony. I couldn't stand it. I was going to die without John. Oh, God!
In my desperate state, I needed to be with someone. I ran to the phone and
dialled Paul's number. He himself answered.

 "Hello?"

 "Paul!", I shouted in desperation. I felt desperate and alone. I thought that

only Paul loved me. "I need to talk to you! I've made up my mind, I want to be
with you!" It was pathetic, I know. But back then, I felt I needed to be with
someone. I had been with John the last 3 years of my life and I had never been
on my own, I had always had someone with me. I felt alone, defeated and
unloved.

 "Oh, Vicky... Ahm... I have to talk to you too”, he said sounding weird. “I'll go
for you in, say, an hour?"

 "Can‟t I go there?”, I asked. He seemed to think about it, which was weird, as
he always was very enthusiastic about meeting me.

 “Right”, he finally said.

I got George‟s Mini once again, which he hadn‟t used that day, and almost drove over the
speed limit twice as much. I was so desperate to see Paul. I needed to be loved by
someone… How pathetic!

When I arrived at Cavendish Avenue, the lights at Paul's house were on. My
heart was pounding. I had lost John, that was for sure. Never in all my life had I seen
John so sure of something. For him, and I understood, coming back to me would be a
humiliation and rebuff in front of the world. Everybody had seen me with Paul at the
party. Stupid me!! I should have never played that game! John and I had broken up
loving each other like mad! Irony. I wondered what John would do now. He had the
tour so he‟d shag all the girls available. But then he‟d come back to an empty house.
I‟m sure he‟d miss me. Groupies would never make up for the love I still had to give
him. I looked out of the window and saw all the Apple Scruffs waiting there at Paul's
gates. They all already knew me. One of them even waved at me when I entered with
the car into Paul's front garden.

I got out of the car and went to Paul's front steps. I rang the buzzer and the
door opened. I went up and found Paul in the music room, playing the piano. I waited
for him in the living room. He didn't realise I had entered, so I stood there, listening
to his wonderful tune. I didn't recognise the song. After a couple of minutes, Paul
came to the living room and met me. He offered me a somehow forced smile. I went
to kiss him but he stepped backwards.

 "Wanna something to drink?", he offered me. I shook my head. He went to the

bar and started preparing something for him. I followed him with my eyes and
saw him light a cigarette. He poured Scotch and Coke in a long glass for him
and lingered on there for a couple of minutes. I observed him. He was unusually
nervous or excited. He ran his fingers through his hair every now and then. I
started to panic. I sensed something was wrong. I was losing my patience.

 "What's wrong, Paul?", I asked. My heart was about to explode.

 "This is hard for me, you know... I mean...", he started. My heart was in my
mouth by then. Something was wrong. Paul was going to tell me something I
would not like. I could feel it... I walked towards him and tried to be lovely.
That always worked. It had worked with John and with Paul several times in the
past. I had my hopes it would work. I stroked his hair and kissed him sexily on
his cheek.

 "Paul....", I said huskily kissing him in the neck. He would usually embrace and
kiss me and do lots of things to me when I did that. This time he only gave me a
weak smile. He grabbed my arms and put them away. Something was terribly
wrong.

 "Something's happened, luv. Something I would have never wished to happen

but it has. And now I know I'm gonna lose you", he said. I was dumbfounded.

 "Whatever it is, you won't lose me, Paul", I said. And I meant it. He smiled.

 "Sit down", he told me. I obeyed. He looked out of the window. Then suddenly
he looked at me and grabbing my face almost violently, he kissed me
passionately. "Oh, Vicky, I love you so much, but this is so difficult for me...",
he told me. I kissed him back but I was dying to know what he had to tell me.

 "Paul, please, what‟s wrong?" He sighed.

 "Things happen, Vicky, and I am a Beatle and I sometimes...

 "Hey, hey, stop!", I said. Paul looked at me with teary eyes.

 "You look lovely today, luv... And I'm so awfully sorry..." I was losing patience.

 "But, what's wrong, Paul?”, I demanded. “I mean, I cannot stand this anymore.
Something's wrong and I want to know what it is"

 "Well", he started. My heart was beating faster than before. "Do you
remember Eli? Well, of course you do, I'm talking nonsense...", he said
nervously.

 "Eli? Paul, Eli has long gone. What?... Is she here again?", I asked afraid that
maybe she had come back and was trying to get Paul again. But no, that was not
possible, was it? Paul ran again a hand through his hair. He looked away from me
once again.

 "No... Look, luv! You can't imagine how difficult this is for me. I've loved you
more than anyone else in this world. More than I even loved Jane...", he said.
He was beating around the bush too much and I was on the verge of suffering a
heart attack. But I didn't want to interrupt him. He went on: "But something's
happened. I didn't mean for it to happen. It was an accident" What was he
talking about? I didn't understand a word.

 "Paul", I said rather seriously now. "You'd better tell me what's wrong. I can't
stand it anymore..."

 "El‟s pregnant...”, she blurted out.. “I mean, I got her pregnant... But that was
before you and I were involved..." I blinked a couple of times. I wasn't sure
whether I had heard right.

 "What?!", I said in panic. "You‟re pulling my leg", I told him.

 "No, no" He shook his head violently. "It's not a joke, luv... I wish it were...", he
said getting up and going to the bar to fix himself another Scotch & Coke. I
was at a loss of words. That was too painful to take in. I saw him drink. He was
 as white as a ghost but my face must have been even whiter. "She phoned me a
couple of hours ago. She's three months pregnant”, he quickly looked at me.
“Remember, you and I started our relationship sometime later. I wasn't with
you" I counted mentally. In the state I was in, I was unable to count. But, what
did it matter? However, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I
tried to calm down. OK, Vicky, it’s not too bad. No problem. Just forgive him.
He's a Beatle, and he wasn't with you. You can work it out. I smiled at him and
got up.

 "It‟s OK, Paul, don't worry. We'll work it out, as your song says. Talk to Eli" He
shook his head.

 "No, Vicky, no matter how much I love you. I want that child. You know I've
always wanted to form a family", he said. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I
could never have children. I was very aware of that and it seemed that
everybody wanted to smash it on my face. Paul came to me and held my chin. "I
don't want you to suffer the rebuff it means being with me knowing I have a
child with another woman” I lost my mind.

 "What?", I cried. "I left John for you! John! And now what for? You're
rejecting me as though I were a bitchy groupie” I covered my face with my
hands. This had to be a nightmare. I wasn‟t living this. I suddenly saw a little
light at the end of the tunnel. “How do you know the child is yours? For what I
know, Eli and John had slept together more than once", I said with irony looking
at him. He was giving me his back but I waited to see how Paul reacted.

 "I know it's mine, luv", he said. "Don't ask me how, but I know. And I want to
have a family, that's for sure" He seemed more calmed now. It seemed as
though now that he had blurted everything out, he had no fear of the
consequences. And you should have seen me. All the blood had gone from my
face. I was white as a ghost and my eye-liner was all smudged.

 "What does this mean, Paul?", I said with my eyes full of tears and a blurred
vision of Paul.

 "I don't know, Vicky...”, he said looking at me. “I told you this was difficult" My
heart was beating at a speed of almost 100 mph. I was no fool and I knew
internally what Paul was trying to tell me. He was telling me he wanted to go
back to Eli because he wanted that child. And I couldn‟t have children. I could
 never give Paul, John or any other man what they wanted. Nobody was going to
love me now. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. I think what he had to
tell me meant a great effort for him. I felt rejected and humiliated. He knew I
couldn't have children. He never seemed to mind. Now I realised it was a lie. I
felt cheated by both John and Paul.

I started to hyperventilate. I leaned forwards and rested my hands on my legs

I was finding it difficult to breath. My God! That could not be happening to me. I had
done nothing wrong and now I was being rejected by both, John and Paul. I deserved
it for having played with fire. No, Vicky! Don't cry! Not in front of Paul! He'll laugh at
you! But while I was saying that to myself, the tears started coming to my eyes. In a
couple of seconds I was crying my heart out. Paul came to me.

 "Oh, Vicky, are you OK? Please, don‟t cry! This is difficult as it is…”, he said.

 "So, this is the end, right?", I said with great difficulty.

 "I don‟t know", he shrugged. "I love, Vicky, it's just that I can't leave a child of
mine without a father. I want a family. I've always wanted a family..."

 "So, you're rejecting me because I can't have children”, I said. “If I could,
you'd still be with me..." Paul didn't say anything. Neither did I. After a while,
the silence was unbearable.

 "Let me take you home", Paul finally said. I looked up at him. So that was it?
The end? The end of my relationship with John, the end of my relationship with
Paul, the end of my stay in England? No, no! That was impossible, God, no, NO!
Paul was picking up his car keys but I wouldn't spend a single minute more in his
company. I turned around and fled from his house and from his life.

I ran out the door. I could hear him shouting my name. What for? What could he
possibly want after having told me he wanted to be with Eli and their child? I took
George‟s Mini and drove off.

I was in a deep state of agony. My eyes were full of tears and I couldn‟t see properly.
I didn‟t know where to go. I just wanted to die. Maybe if I died, both John and Paul
would realise what they‟d missed. It was a dark cloudy day of December and I was
looking in front of me. I drove out of London and into the countryside. I drove and
drove until I felt the urgent need of disappearing from everyone‟s lives. There was
nothing for me left in England. But there was nothing for me in Spain either. I belong
to no place. I cried my heart out and then, suddenly, I knew what I had to do.
I accelerated to the maximum and drove to the left of the road and into a cliff. I
remember bumping inside the car and hurting my head terribly. Then, darkness.