The Snot Fairy

ALEX
If you'd just like to take a seat! *clacking on computer keyboard* What did you say your name
was?

JADE
It's Clara.

ALEX
Ah yes, Clara. And you've just registered with Supernatural Jobseekers, am I right?

JADE
Yes, that's right!

ALEX
Fabulous. *Clacking on keyboard* Now what did you say your last job was?

JADE
Well, I was a tooth fairy for 20 years. Got the job straight out of school.

ALEX
I seeeeeee. Now *clacking on keyboard* Why was it you left?

JADE
Well, the hours were quite unsociable. I kept getting bitten by dogs. And they kept paying me in
50 pence pieces.

ALEX
Mmm hmm. That must have been quite frustrating. Well, let's have a look and see if we have
anything with your experience. This computer is telling me that we have an opening for a
snot-fairy.

JADE
Snot fairy?

ALEX
Mmm, snot fairy. It's not quite as well-paid as the standard tooth-fairy role. But it is a bit simpler.
You see, with the tooth fairy, you're taking a tooth and giving away money, aren't you? But the
snot-fairy, all you have to do is go up to people who look a bit ill and throw snot at them.

JADE
Really?
ALEX
So it's a bit simpler.

JADE
That's…

ALEX
And you don't even have to do it when they're in bed. You see. You just lurk outside of offices,
inside train carriages - that's a popular one… or in bath houses. As long as you can carry up to
twenty litres of snot at a time, you're good to go, really.

JADE
Uhm, yes. Well, I'm not really sure the snot fairy is the position for me.

ALEX
No?

JADE
I don't really like snot. You know, the feel of it.

ALEX
They give you gloves. You wouldn't be expected to hold it with your bare hands.

JADE
But look, I have lots of useful experience and abilities from my previous job! I can walk through
walls, you know! And I can fly. I just wonder if there was anything a bit better than snot fairy.

ALEX
Well… let me have a look, *much clacking of keys* Oooo this one might be more up your street.
I am sure you are going to love this one. Ready for it?

JADE
Yes, ready!

ALEX
Two words. Bunion gnome.

JADE
What?!

ALEX
Bunions. You know, them little growths you get on your feet?
JADE
Yes, I understand the word Bunion.

ALEX
They've got a lot of work coming in now. Very popular with the over sixties.

JADE
Well, I'm not quite sure… I'm not very good with feet, you see.

ALEX
Oh. I see.

JADE
Well, do you have anything less… disgusting.

ALEX
Let me have a look. *much clacking.* It appears you have no appropriate skills or experience
whatsoever. Have you thought about going into politics?

JADE
What?

ALEX
Yes. There are some real opportunities out there for complete morons.

JADE
Really? ​(Interested)

ALEX
Absolutely. Now, I am thinking a two-year stint as a local councillor, nothing fancy, and then
fast-track to President of the United States or Prime Minister of Britain, whichever is closer to
your home.

JADE
That sounds ideal, thank you.

ALEX
Thank you, Democracy.

JADE
Can you email me the job link so I can apply?
ALEX
Email?

JADE
Yes. On the computer.

ALEX
Oh. This isn't a computer. It's actually a piece of bark I found on my way to the swimming pool
yesterday afternoon.

JADE
Oh.

ALEX
You can have it if you want. It's not quite as maggot-ridden as I usually like.