Twirl, point and jump into ending position ！ I thought, pleased that I had memorized the 批注 [CB1]: If it is a thought,

f it is a thought, use “ “
movements of the dance. “Chin high, hand in position, legs straight!” Ms. Liu, my Chinese dance
teacher instructed. I did exactly what she told me, and she smiled, looking satisfied. I let my limbs
relax as I plopped on the chair beside me, closing my eyes. “The competition is only a few weeks 批注 [CB2]: onto
away, come on! We have to practice!” Selena, my dancing partner hollered at me impatiently. I
sighed, brought myself onto my no-so-steady legs and stood in the complicated starting position. 批注 [CB3]: not
But after this experience, I feel thought, like the quote “hard word pays off” is really true, isn’t it?
批注 [CB4]: work

It has only been a few days since Ms. Liu announced the competition. We were all shocked because
it wasn’t possible that we could finish learning and practicing a three minutes long dance in ONE
MONTH！ The first time I saw the actual video of the dance, I was amazed! Although the steps
were very complicated, the dance was beautiful, with flying fans and a blue gem tiara! But I knew,
to wear that and be proud of myself, I would have to train hard and prove that I could do all these 批注 [CB5]: use the noun here – what is that?
high levelhigh-level movements.

As I trained, I always looked on the bright side, and tried to be the silver lining to the cloud. Every 批注 [CB6]: What is this cloud though? What is the
time I felt like giving up, I always thought, : Ms. Liu chose me and Selena because she trusts us and struggle?
knows we are capable of learning the movements and completing them in one month! It’s up to
us to win the prize! So I trained day and night, working tirelessly. We will win this! I thought 批注 [CB7]: Same here – use “ “
confidently. Although we were doing quite well, I still had worries. What if there’s a group better
than us? As the day of the competition grew closer, I was getting more anxious and scared. I knew 批注 [CB8]: “ “ and mention that this is a thought
that was’s not helpful and tried to tell myself to leave that thought behind, only focusing on music,
批注 [CB9]: This here would be -...that thought behind, and
coordination, and steps.
only focus on the...

It was finally the day of the competition, and Selena and I were both panicking, but we also found
it exciting, especially because it was out first performance together. When I checked the 批注 [CB10]: Check spelling
competition list, I was surprised to see that were the second pair that was going to perform! Selena
and I practiced in the waiting chambers as the first competitors were performing. A few minutes 批注 [CB11]: Just - area
later, it was our turn. Frankly, I felt scared and worried when I stepped onto the stage and started
the dance. But soon, I was sinking into the melody of the song. My hands coordinated perfectly 批注 [CB12]: Beautiful phrasing 
with my legs as I closed my eyes, focusing on the hardest part of the dance.

Three minutes and a half later, the sound “dun, dun!” noted the end of the dance. We curtsied and
stepped off stage. “Great!” Selena smiled as she gave me a high-five. I grinned too. The next
day, results came in. I opened my eyes in shock. We had won the second prize for our dance! We 批注 [CB13]: I see what you are going for here – I widened
jumped around giddily and hugged each other. This experience really proved that quote is real, my eyes...
and it will be etched in my mind forever.
批注 [CB14]: I am confused by this – what quote?

Notes:
Great dedication to building the theme as well as the body of the story. You took us in steps and
using vivid and sensory details 

For you, I would say the part you could develop a bit more would be the end. When it ended did
you hear applause... what did it feel like? And second place is huge...build this part up. How did
you feel when you were opening the letter – what did the sound of it ripping open make you feel?