Kaufman

Chapter 3 Dealing with Denial

ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Needs

1. Define denial
“Denial is how people cope when they have no other way of dealing with an
overwhelming situation. Rather than face stressful circumstances, people pretend the
stressor does not exist.” (Gorham, p. 34)

a) Feelings of denial
“Denial is characterized by feelings of confusion, numbness, disorganization and
helplessness." (Seligman & Darling, 1989 as cited by Gorham p. 34)

b) How do parents experience denial?

Parents of children with special needs might experience denial as culturally humiliating
and reject services out of a strong disinclination to having their child labeled. They often
experience strong afflictive emotions. They might cry, reject a medically supported
diagnosis of disability, present observations of their child’s behavior at home that are in
conflict with school-based observations, reject a diagnosis due to their own unconscious
conditioning or bias, or due to their own negative personal experiences with learning
difficulties as school age children.

2. What are some reasons that make discussing a diagnosis painful and difficult for
parents?

The diagnosis is unexpected.

The diagnosis means more work for them

The diagnosis might contain in its objective medical terminology a perceived stigma for
them

The diagnosis might be experienced as a worst case scenario that diminishes

opportunities for their child.

3. Distinguishing between denial and defensive behavior:

“Parents who reject a diagnosis may not be rejecting the idea that their child has
problems...discrepant views of the child or child’s needs were identified in 90% of
situations of escalating conflict.” (Gorham, p.35 & p.36)

Asking parents to describe behaviors they observe at home will help determine if the
parent is in denial or has taken a defensive posture.

Noting positive behaviors, traits and abilities might allow a parent to recognize that you
also see strengths in the child.

Presenting information in a positive and open-ended way can be of benefit.

Choosing language that is not the jargon of special education or developmental
behaviorists might ease their intransigence.
 Kaufman
Chapter 3 Dealing with Denial
ED 589 Achieving Success with Parents of Students with Special Needs

4. Ways to support defensive parents and diffuse their behavior:

Waiting allows parents to absorb information at their own pace, not the proscribed time
limits that sometimes distress busy case managers.

Asking why allows the space for parents to articulate their emotions and fears and also
offers them partnership in a process where their support is crucial

Encouraging parents gives them support at a time when they might be experiencing
feelings of overwhelm, inadequacy, fear and grief. Recognizing their care and courage,
offering resources like parent groups, informative web sites and counselors who might
specialize in working with parents and children can be helpful. Sharing anecdotal
information about children and teens who have successfully engaged in school with the
support of a carefully constructed IEP based on teamwork can bolster their sense of what
is to come.

5. Abbott and Gold: List their suggestions

1. Keep a file of samples of the child’s work and behavioral observations

2. Have dated anecdotal records to show parents
3. Use an informal seating arrangement [at meetings]
4. List the special modifications you have made in an attempt to help the child learn more
effectively.
5. Ask parents to describe how the child is doing at home
6. Be an active listener and allow parents to express their feelings

6. Discuss what to avoid in discussions with defensive parents

Resist the temptation to use evidence to be right. To that end do not overwhelm parents
with medically supported evidence in the form of jargon filled reports from medically
trained evaluators who completed the assessments resulting in a diagnosis that meets the
criteria for a disability and the development of an IEP. Despite the pressure you and other
educators may feel to develop a plan that can be implemented sooner rather than later for
the benefit of the child, fall back on the previously discussed strategy of giving parents
time to absorb this outcome rather than confront their denial and rush them into
acquiescence with the experts.

7. What else can educators do?

By being calm and kind human beings who can support parents through this process and
offer them additional resources during this crucial period of feeling groundless and
uncertain, we can plant the seeds for a mutually respectful collaboration that will benefit
their children.