OVERCOMING FEAR WITH DIVINE LOVE

A prayer to the mother

A need to be free
A project in hand
A perfect opportunity
A divine will
A destiny changed

And so I began , one day , revisiting my journey on this

earth .
A 4-year-old child ,
Holding an Image of Krishna .

A heart that longed

Eyes that yearned
Tears that flowed
Joy that bounced
A Body that raptured
A Soul that Knew -

-The Knowledge of Oneness

And the Experience of Separation

SHIBANI DARA Cell: 09810858895 Website: www.touchofgraceartgallery.com

At last I find a meaning of soul's birth

Into this universe terrible and sweet ,

I who have felt the hungry heart of earth

Aspiring beyond heaven to krishna's feet .

I have seen the beauty of immortal eyes ,

And heard the passion of the lover's flute ,

And known a deathless ecstasy's surprise

And sorrow in my heart for the ever mute .

Nearer and nearer now the music draws ,

Life shudders with a strange felicity ;

All nature is a wide enamored pause

Hoping her lord to touch , to clasp , to be .

For this one moment lives the ages past :

The world now throbs fulfilled in me at last .

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Choosing the project was easy , an aspiration , a call , and
a response.

From Divine Love to Human Love to the need to Know ,

Experience and Become , was the starting point .
Which lead me to go to the root of my emptiness and
dryness .

A prayer to find the cause and The Mothers Grace called

forth from the depths of my being :

A Revelation .

Sitting in front of Mothers photograph ,A tremble gripped

and paralyzed me , and I looked at The Mothers picture
with absolute fear in my eyes .

O ! That was it - FEAR !

Mother was showing me and taking me to the root of what I

had to work on - FEAR !

And so my entire life flashed in front of my eyes and I knew

my prayers had been answered.

My project got a title :

Overcoming Fear with Divine Love .

Fear and I would have to journey together to discover

Divine Love !

3
In the sparkled atmosphere of Pondicherry ,where nothing
remains hidden , I decided to uncover the truth of my
being .

To Know it ,to Accept it ,to Face it , to Offer it and bring it to

Her Light .

I started on my journey with my eyes closed .

An inward journey unknown and undiscovered .

I decided to start at the top floor -

I decided to explore my Mind .

The only way I could understand the true inner noise of my

mind was to be have a quite and silent outer life ; null and
void .

Which the Mother gave - happily and quickly .

I reached the dead end of the road before it forked into 2

paths ,
I had to make a choice -

I made !

On one hand the Shiny Marbled floor and the lure of the
disco lights of ambition , greed , manipulation , falsehood ,
attachments , desires -
Exotic but Slippery !

On the other hand - the Desert Land , unknown , bare ,

harsh -
Where Mirages were created to test your mettle and
sincerity .

4
I chose the Desert Land !

As I walked alone , slightly bored , I initiated this mental

dialogue with myself ;

Funny isn’t it , that you could be living your entire life the
way you would want others to see you , the Projection of
your self through the eyes of others .

A realization : that I was constantly projecting myself as

others would expect me to be :

Flawless , Error-free , like a 3 year warrantee software

which would run obediently for the ease and comfort of
the operator - only that the warrantee period seems to be
never ending ......

My hands were paining from holding that huge wooden

board of a “Miss - Perfect" cut out .

An endless effort , bleeding bands , tired legs , stressed

out guarding eyes , a vulnerable heart , and a broken soul .

..............Didn't want to do this any more ………..

But the odds where heavy .... The truth could be revealed -
I was suffocated , I was not happy , I was not myself .

Hhhuuuu...ssshhhhhh ...somebody could hear you ........

you would be left alone , you must fit in the crowd , be like
them , to be liked by them , laugh when they laugh , cry
when they cry : that's what you are supposed to do .

…………..Nooooooo ... Not Anymore …………….

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I want to find out who I really am ? what makes me laugh ?
what makes me cry ? what makes me happy ? where is my
path ? the purpose of my life ? the joy of living ? freedom ?
truth ?

The fear of always being anxious about what others

thought of me
The fear of always playing the part that fit the role in their
little ambitious drama
The fear of the projected image falling off
The fear of constant vigilance

It was Fear - Fear of Failure that made me paint layers and

layers and layers of Falsehood :

I am tired , my head aches , I bend down on my knees , I

look up in the sky with my moist eyes , my hands stretch
out and my heart cries :

My Lord !!! Mercy !!!

The Golden drizzle of compassion poured from the sky ,

started washing off the layers and layers of paint - slowly –
slowly ….

The truth partially uncovered :

It was OK to cast off the mask and let the fresh air
penetrate my soul .

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See God everywhere and be not frightened by masks.
Believe that all falsehood is truth in the making or truth in
the breaking, all failure , an effectuality concealed, all
weakness strength hiding itself from its own vision, all pain
a secret & violent ecstasy. If thou believest firmly &
unweariedly, in the end thou wilt see & experience the All-
true, Almighty &All-blissful.

I gently put down the wooden board on the ground and

walked away into the wilderness , the nature , the truth ;
undiscovered yet .

I was playing the Game of Life with Krishna - and he was

throwing the Dice of Fear on the Checker Board of the
various facets of my life .
Only - there were no losers here - all winners .

And soon I reached the Silence Zone : complete outer

silence , no pull, no attachments , no demands .

And in the silence of the truth the long dead noises could
be heard :

And the weight of my existence could be felt .

And then I heard the deafening noise of my mind !

It was killing !

My nerves were like wet naked wires under the crushing

pressure of the Niagara falls !!

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I held my hands on my head and fell on my knees , soon
my head was buried in the sand ,

I could not breath and I was crying …….

I was crying , because the weakness was unbearable .

The nerves were like afraid children , bashed by naughty

nasty kids on the road who had snatched their sole
possession :

Their Peace of Mind !

There was none now !

Robbed of their treasure they did not know how to survive !

I decided to go further inside my mind :

It was like a Submarine’s Radar Control Room :

Where the Control Panel was made of iron rods .
Iron rods which were hard , stubborn, rusty and rotten .

I was in the whirl pool of an Underground Fish Tank !

Full of sea weeds , moss collected in ever nook and
corner ;
Heavy rock formations , stubborn and edgy ;
Fish moving about ‘thoughtlessly’ ; Clashing into each
other , eating each other !

Sharks were there too - Looking for weaker thoughts to be

eaten by its evil intention !

8
The black heavy Octopus moving its deadly 'hands of
thoughts’ in the most confusing and knotty manner , just
swinging here and there , basking in the glory of its power
to cause total chaos in the
surrounding !

I was suffocated !!

I needed air !! my mind needed fresh air !!

I kicked the jammed iron door of the submarine , with all

the inner strength I could gather .

And it broke : the fresh water gushed in with force

And the radar room dissolved in the clean blue water .

Soon the submarine was floating and it was under the open
vicinity of the Golden Blue Sky .

From the Golden Blue Sky , there was a descend of Peace

and Calm and they 'balmed' the childlike tender nerves .

The peace penetrated more and more into the mind and the
nerves flowered like sun flower - every day little by little .

And as the inner layers of the mind started to fall silent one
by one .

Beneath the layers a trembling sound could be heard .

I removed the sheaths to hear the muffling , sizzling

sound :

I saw a gray-green Snake with a coiled tail , the tail would

keep uncoiling and coiling itself mechanically without a
break !!!

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It was writhing , almost like it had a natural tremble .

I looked at the snake and asked in astonishment :

Me - "Who are you ……..?”

The snake turned back to look at me , almost irritated and

angry at being interrupted .

Me- "Why are you hiding inside my mind ?

Who gave you the permission to enter my mind ?”

Snake - “YOU !”

Me- "I ! You must be joking ! Now come on , tell me who

you are , And what are you doing here ! You .. You... You
INVADER !”

Snake - "I AM MENTAL FEAR !”

I belong to the ANTI DIVINE FORCES !
I am one of the commanders in the army , my area of
specialization is spreading fear in the minds of people !

I could not believe my eyes , or my ears - I had to know

more !

Me- " And why my mind : if I may ask ?”

Snake - "Because I can survive only on spongy , damp and

weak areas , and your mind is my ideal resting ground .”

I shuddered at its honest confession !

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Me- "And why did you say that I invited you inside ."

Snake – “Look smart alec ! I really don't have the time to

respond to all your inquisitive questions .
Firstly you come here and disturb my obsessive coiling ,
and then you start bombarding me with your dumb
questions !
The best way to handle this would be to call my Big
Brother .
I think he will be a good match for you , he is much more
smooth , subtle , sticky and stronger than me .”

Me- "What ! Your big brother . And where do you think he

is at This moment !”

Snake - "Inside you , Foolish ! Look below ! In your Vital !

HaHa ! I love the shock on your face ! Let me call him on
my cell phone ."

Me- "CELL PHONE !”

Snake - "Of Course ! Cell phones are the best carriers of

the beings of our kingdom !”

Then I heard the serpent alien talk gibberish with his co

partner and almost instantly from below comes this HUGE
COBRA !
Deep emerald green with jeweled sea green crystal eyes
and a sharp pointed tail.

Snake 2- “HISSSSSSS………. What is it Chotu ?”.

Snake 1- "Bhaiya - Our Land Lord has discovered our

11
existence and Is indulging in nagging conversation . Better
you carry on .”

My shock knew no bounds ! If were not my mind - I would

have shrieked the hell out of my own ears drums !

But I regained my consciousness and remembered my

class-four Hindi lesson ;
“ A True Hindu must treat all guests with the intend of
serving the lord himself !”
Gosh ! If only they knew !!

And so I regain my composure and ask my new guest to

give me an intro .

Me- "And who are you ; Sir ? "

Snake - "I AM VITAL FEAR !”

I reside inside your vital !
Very interesting place - I must say .
You are a very good host .
First you invite us in and then you take so much good care
of all of us and constantly feeding us .
Do you know how much weight I have put on after
coming here . Ha Ha !”

Me- “Sir Jee ! First of all , can you tell me - what exactly is
fear ; Who better than you can tell me this ?”

Snake – “Let me unravel the mystery for you .Sherlock

Homes !

FEAR is primarily a creation of the vital plane , an

instinct of the ignorance !

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My brother feeds on negative thoughts , creates
Imaginary terrors in your mind and clouds your
intelligence and gives you anxiety .

I primarily feed on lower vital , negative emotions

and sensations .
I cause a sense of danger in the vital with a violent vital
reaction that replaces and prevents or distorts the
intelligence of things .
I cause all the churning inside your stomach , the burning ,
uncontrollable, ‘volcano-like' ,volatile outbursts .

FEAR IS AN INVENTION OF THE HOSTILE ,ADVERSE

FORCES.

Through which we can almost posses the human beings ,

By totally blinding their intelligence and making them our
slaves .
My brother and I belong to this huge army of adverse
forces .
And there are plenty more of our fellow adverse beings
with different food preferences- if you may call it so ! Ha!

We are there every where in the Earth Atmosphere .

Our aim is to capture this planet and make it our
Kingdom and make it quite difficult and impossible for
Divine Work to be carried on this earth .
So far we have been quite successful , because of people
like you .”

Me- “GULP ! And when exactly did I invite you , I don’t

quite remember ? "

13
Snake – “ Well , You See - you always had these inherent
seeds of Negative thoughts and emotions deeply
embedded in your mind and vital.
These negative thoughts and emotions act like Dish
Antenna and Since we are constantly hovering for
Invasion ground ,we caught the vibrations coming from
you , and we kept a ‘CID' watch on you constantly , waiting
for a small opening .

And you didn’t disappoint us !!

There were innumerable moments in the day when you

would be thinking negatively ,being hateful , spiteful ,
angry , jealous . And all these movements would cause
small openings in your Protective Web .

The moment there would be any opening , we would

immediately stick our selves on that hole and slowly and
smoothly enter into you .
And since we feed on all negative and lower emotions and
thought patterns , we would subtly incite you to become
more negative , more angry ..so that out constant supply
of food would be secure .

You see, it is a “Catch 22'” situation , the more angry you

would get , the more powerful we would become , the
more powerful we would get , the more we could posses
you and make you even more angrier than before .

Do you get it now ? my friend !

You were constantly providing us with food , non stop ,
never ending . We were so happy !

You were a damn good host , we were all over fed .

We feed on negative thoughts , negative emotions , anger ,

14
jealousy , hatred , negative thoughts , And you always had
plentiful.

I decided to call in all my friends and family here !

When they saw you , they knew you could win an award for
the perfect host for us parasites ! We have even nominated
your name in the Parasitel Guinness Book of world
Records for ‘THE PERFECT HOST AWARD’ !!

And so our entire family came to live here .

You see - as I said earlier , we are an ANTI DIVINE FORCE ,

So we can exist only where there is NOT complete trust
and surrender in the Divine .
Fear in a person blocks the divine force to settle in .
Fear is the WEAPON of the adverse forces !!

One who is always anxious about the future ,destiny ,

Does not believe in the Divine Grace , is always Doubting ,
Speculating . You had all these qualifications in your Bio
Data ! Ha Ha !”

Me- “ AND WHAT IS IT , THAT FEAR IS AFRAID OF ?”

Snake – “Hhhuuhhh ?? Are you by any chance a Cusp

zodiac sign - A Libra and A Scorpio ??!!”

Me- "Yyyyyeeeesss . 22 nd October ,but what does that

have to do with all this ? "

Snake - " Because firstly you ask me all these diplomatic

questions and get your way through me ; like a true
Libran , and then towards the end of our conversation .,
you sting me with this deadly question like a true
Scorpio ?

15
However I will not disappoint you , because you have been
a very good host to me throughout .

Fear is afraid of only one thing - LIGHT !

Because it is always something that is dark is afraid .
If there is an awakening in a person , a widening of
consciousness - our grip loosens , because then the
person is shedding the inherent ignorance deeply
embedded , and fear is the anguish of the ignorance .
One who is conscious has no fear , because fear is a
phenomenon of the unconsciousness .”

I froze , the whole horror movie ran before my very eyes .

In the battle field of kurukshetra , the enemy camp was
inside my regiment . They knew all my weaknesses , and
sucked on to me like parasites ; Sapping me of my life
force ; and securing their existence !

I had to settle this matter here - now or never !

I continued the conversation like a smooth operator :

Me- “Tell me more about your family !”

Snake – “We are primarily vital beings .

Our father lives in the Subconscient .
That is where our main Hub is and then we go and reside
in the satellite offices like the mind , the vital.

We have many distant relatives , and like a 'Joint Hindu

Family’ - we prefer to stay together wherever we move .

One of our very distant relative are the Vibrations of

Illness."

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Me- “VVVVVIBRATIONS OF ILLNESS !!!”

Snake – “yyyyeeessss , Ha Ha , I love the expression on

your face !
You see , the moment we build a comfortable home , we
attract our ‘sickening' relatives - so to speak !
Through the holes created by us -- they enter into you ,
And spread into you ; in the form of various mental ,
psychological and physical illnesses .
We are all very Interconnected . We have very thick blood
ties !"

The Doctors Bill ran in front of my eyes...: Huge ! never

ending !
A Permanent Patient : I was !!
And now that explains why I would fall ill , every now and
then .
All the various sickness of the mind , emotions and body
were caused by this FEAR !!
I was a Palace for this huge family . I was their manifesting
ground , their breeding ground .
I could provide Steven Spielberg ; a nice script for his next
movie !

Suddenly I felt heaviness in my head and around my neck .

Making it slowly unbearable to even remain conscious ,
It was a strong pull backwards .
An irresistible urge to fall into deep slumber in the lap of
Inertia .
I had to know the reason of this heaviness :

17
It was a Python curled around my neck ;
And it had rested all its weight on me : for timeless hours .
I looked at it in the eye ; It was sleepy and it was tired .
It seemed like the python had finished its faithful tenure ...

It wanted Salvation ....

It uncoiled itself from my neck and I laid it on the ground .

The Python shed its skin and turned inside out .
Its dry skin wrinkled in the sands of time , and I saw the
true nature of the exposed burden that rested on my
shoulders !!!

Karma !!!
Sanskara !!!

Fear Inherited : A Legacy - Of The Crown Of Thorns

Religiously passed on from generation to generation ...

Heavy …….. tired ...... scared …….sticky ....

It was this SEED which was the dish antenna for the
adverse forces .
I had always possessed it .
I inherited it -

LIKE ONE INHERITS THE DARK DUNGEON WITH THE

GOLDEN HAVELI !!!

But it was time to disown this inheritance :

I had to free myself from the adverse forces and the meaty
mass of karma .

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My head was shaking with fear , it was wheeling round and
round like a Mad Gorilla .... Stamping its foot and
Thumping its chest for salvation from its own madness !!!

I was sweating , I was gasping for air ...

The Scorpio , on the dry sands of my throat clamped my
wind pipe .
I could not breath ...
The Iron Claws of Fear tore apart my vulnerable and weak
stomach.
I was afraid , very very afraid !!

I closed my eyes , holding back my tears and my fears And

called her -

MOTHER SAVE ME! PROTECT ME ! FREE ME MOTHER!

MAKE ME YOUR PURE CHILD ! MAKE ME YOUR PURE
CHILD !

The Response came :

I Heard the voice ; HER voice :

Remember the rules . Remember . Persevere . Don't Give

Up .
Remember my words . Hear them from the depths of your
being .
From the Core of your Purity . Hear them . Hear them now
….now , Do you hear them - My child .

I hear them Mother ,I hear ........

I immediately get in touch with my Psychic Being , Call it

and let its Light put things in the correct order .

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I start talking to the Reasoning Mind like a child , tell it that
it is stupid to face fear with fear , one must face fear with
courage and trust in the divine , telling it gently to stop
being afraid .

I began calling down peace in my lower vital , the region

below my navel .

Peace ! peace ! peace ! calm ! calm ! calm !

And slowly I started to feel better and stronger .

And then , with this strength in my being I look at the

adverse beings straight in the Eye and Surprisingly they
lost almost three quarter of their power !!!!!!!

Instead of Attacking me , both the Brothers were shocked

at my Unexpected Courage to look at them Straight in the
Eye , they became as still as Statues and actually lost
Majority of their Power !! They began to shrink in size !!!

And with my Reservoir of this Newly Discovered Inner

Strength ; I called very concretely for the Divine Mother
Protective Force .

SHE came to my rescue .....

SHE came to save me from these adverse forces ....

I fell at her feet in gratitude and with my dry , tom , parched

lips - I kissed her feet .

She looked at me with her piercing eyes , seeing all

through me - For nothing could be hidden from her .
Then she picked me up and settled me on my feet , ran her
hand through my hair and handed over HER MANTRA to
me.....

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I held her hand , and in her Presence ,I read it aloud - with
my Soul :

IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER

FORTHE SAKE OF THE MOTHER
BY THE POWER OF THE MOTHER
WITH THE STRENGTH OF THE MOTHER
TO ALL ADVERSE HARMFUL BEING OR FORCE
I ORDER TO QUIT THIS PLACE AT ONCE AND FOR EVER.

And Lo Behold !!! There was Thunder Storm , in the

Desert !!!

Lord Indra woke up from his desire full sleep , climbed his
White Elephant Iravat and with his Thunder Shaft , came to
Honor the Words of The Divine Mother !

The ground trembled , the vibrations of Her Mantra were

too Pious for the Earths bleeding navel .

And one by one all the adverse forces started to flee , they
were hidden in all nooks and comers of my mind and vital .
some fled . some dissolved in Her Golden Light .......

I felt like a balloon being punctured out of poisonous gas !

I looked up at the sky ,There was a rainbow after the rains ,

Only this time the shape of the rainbow was like her
Turban .
The Sun appeared out of the cloudy deep gray sky and
sent down its ray of Golden Light and penetrated into the
living mass of Karma .

21
There was Resistance , there was a Fight , the Karma
wanted to live its Full Tenure .
It was bound by the Cosmic Laws .
Like a Faithful Servant - it had to serve the Law of Cause
and Effect !

But here was HER Light, so Powerful , so Forceful , Too

Strong to take up the fight .

The Light had Challenged the Karmic Tenure !

It had the Power to Change Destiny !
Erase the Black Board of the Fixed Planetary Movements !
Maths was Defied !

It was now a New Formula at play - Her Cosmic Play !

Karma for too weak to revolt .

Clearly SHE was INCHARGE .

It bowed and accepted HER REIGN .

A movement of Release , Loosening ,Fading , Erasing ,

Diluting and Lo Behold :

Karma dissolved into the Golden Light !

The whole jungle danced in the Golden Plasma and

Chanted !

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OM ! TAT! SAT!

And that which is existence , the same is consciousness .

The world constituted of consciousness shines in the spirit
which is consciousness ,

It is the real light of the real divine ,

As the reflection of the sun is one in calm water , but the
multiple in restless water ; real is the sun , real is the
reflection , the real light of the real sun , it is not a dream
but the light of a reality .

Or as the light of the sun shines filling the solar world with
its force as if running, real is that light , the real luster of
the real sun , that is not false shining , but a real luster of a
reality .

Or as the flaming disc of the sun is not the sun itself, but
this Material form only manifests the sun-ness of the sun
to our knowledge which is dependent on the material
being , the sun is beyond that form ; real is the sun , real
the form in the shape of the disc , it is the real light of the
real sun , not illusory , but the real light of a reality .

Similarly , here the world -Brahman is the true light of the

divine ,not a dream , nor illusory , nor a false shining .
It is the real light of the reality , not the divine in himself but
still he Himself only..

This is the Supreme Maya , this is the greatness of the

yoga of the mysterious Lord of Yoga , Sri Krishna .
This is his blissful lila with his Consciousness - Force ,

This is the inconceivable working of the Supreme .

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Truth Revealed :

I have the Light within me .

The Golden Divine Light of Truth Consciousness .

It is only This Divine Light which can dissolve all adverse

forces , which can dissolve all karma - only this Divine
Intervention .

All it needs is the Consciousness to be established in this

Light Within :
By the inward gaze
By that inner journey into oneself
Standing in this light - Believing in the Strength of one’s
eternal soul
Rejecting nothing - accepting all

To look where there is Fear

To look where there is Pain
To look where there is Obscurity
To look where there is Distortion
To look where there is Darkness
To look where there is Mud
To look where there is The Swamp of Dirty Water
To look where there is Despair

To look with this Divine Light

Then what is there that will remain Hidden

Then what is there that will not be Revealed
Then what is there that will not be Transformed

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All Deserts into Beaches
All Rocks into Jewels
All weakness into Strength
All Perversion into Perfection
All Despair into Hope
All Karma into Free Will
All Darkness into Light
All Desert Land into Sunlit Path

And I continue Treading the Sunlit Path ...

Mental fear , Vital fear , Seen them in the face .

What was left to be experienced - Physical fear .

I had to find out the Physical Origin of Fear .

This calls for an Adventure !

I decide to climb up a 23 Meter High windmill !

And consciously live the experience of fear in my Cells and

listen to their horror story directly .
I start climbing up the thin iron stairs .
And as I reach halfway , my body paralyses ,I look down
and I know , I had challenged the gravitational pull of the
earth and all the ruling beings of this planet were not going
to take easy about this ! Slowly and steadily I decide to
follow my heart and not my body and I reach the top .

And there is a discovery :

This was no ordinary windmill !

The wooden plank for standing is usually 4 meters below

the fan blades ( or should I call them the swords of death )
In this windmill the steel blades were my immediate
neighbors and all I had was a 12 inch wooden plank to

25
stand on and a greasy iron rod to grip my hands .
And if nature's fury caused a heavy wind , the blades
would do a Swirling Salsa and the Sun would Set ...on
me...

I stood on the plank and looked down ; It was too high for
my imagination .
And that is when for 45 whole minutes I became acutely
aware of the Diverse Beings which resided in my 5 foot 7”
body .
My Mind and vital experienced the least fear , much to my
surprise .
In this entire journey of discovery of fear . so far , It seems
they had been good learners of the lessons in the
discovery of the truth of life .

From beneath the mental and vital silence , there was an

deafening awareness of Physical Fear .

It was a revelation that the senses were relating the

experience of the fear of falling and the tall separation from
earth ; directly to the body ; and the cells of my body were
trembling with shrieking fear ....it was paralyzing ....

And then I became acutely aware of my Physical mind !

The Physical Mind was using the Nerves Substance !

The physical mind is a natural defeatist , by its very
essence it weaves webs of defeatist thoughts that keep
knitting this block which stops the positive energy to flow
naturally.
True to the very nature of the physical mind ; It would keep
churning in my head - like a huge iron water pump -

You will fall !! you will fall !! you will fall !! you will die !! you
will die !!

26
There was no way I could stop these bombarding
thoughts !!

My legs were shaking profusely , the cells were shrieking

with terror .
They sought no logic or reasoning .They were shrieking
because that had become their natural habit !
They had been shrieking since the evolution started ;
Sometime for self defense ; sometimes against the
tyranny of their mental boss .

As my body was emerged in the experience of extreme

fear , A flock of birds flew passed my head and my
Consciousness suddenly changed its place of residence :

It went and resided in my heart and I noticed -

How different and beautiful was this experience !!
It was as if I could feel the pulse of the heart of the flying
birds .
It was a feeling of a Free Spirit .
Of viewing nature like an Overmind God ; smiling at its
creation .
The vastness of space , the greenery as a back drop .
The perched birds looking up at me ; there beaks open in
awe .
The branches of the Giant tress spreading out to greet a
comrade .

I realized how all the parts of my being reacted differently

to this adventure :

While my mind and vital were the silent spectators , my

heart was flying like a free bird and the cells of my body
deep deep down lived in constant fear , fright and anxiety .

27
I had to Integrate . I had to hold all the Strings of my
Consciousness !

The greasy iron rod was not strong enough to hold my

trembling hands .

I needed a concrete grip - which would not let me Fall ; not

let me Fail :

The Mothers Grip .

And I gripped HER hand tightly , she held my hand too ,

and then I clearly understood what she was teaching me .

The ordinary consciousness lives in a constant quiver ,

when you notice it , it's frightful !
As long as you don’t notice it , it’s perfectly natural, but
when you notice it , you wonder how people don't go
insane , it’s a grace .
It’s a sort of a tiny tremor , oh , how horrible !
It's like a veil of falsehood over truth , that's what is
responsible for everything we see here .
If one takes that off, things will be completely different ,
entirely different ,
When you come out of this ordinary consciousness and
enter the truth - consciousness , you are so astonished
that something like suffering , misery , death and all that
can exist .
It would take very little , very little to go from this world to
the other
FOR THE OTHER WORLD TO BECOME THE TRUE ONE .
A small triggering would be enough , or a small reversal in
the inner attitude .

28
I determine to overcome my current state of sever
paralyses of my body.
And though I am sweating with fear , in utter discomfort,
unable to breathe , helpless , unable to move , or think or
do anything , I decide to SUBSTITUTE this vibration of fear
in the cells of my body , with the vibration of Joy that was
bursting in my heart :

I profusely chant my mantra -

MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER

And slowly slowly my entire body is soaked in the mantra

and it seems all the cells are chanting with me - and then
Suddenly !!!

The Consciousness - the Body Consciousness Changes !!!

There is Silence in the Cells !!!
There is Joy in the cells !!!
There is Trust in the Divine !!!
There is Truth Consciousness !!!

And the Tremor Dissolves …………

The view from the windmill changed :

My heart , mind , my vital and my body looked towards

greater heights -
Towards the infinite sky .

The sun is setting ;

Not on me ;
But on my fear .

29
The Secret Knowledge had been revealed to me 23 meters
above the earth on a 12” wooden plank , hanging between
life and death !

I have come down from the windmill :

Back In the security of the Mother Earth’s Gravitational Pull

But I carry with me in my heart : The Secret Knowledge

On a height he stood that looked towards greater heights,

Our early approaches to the Infinite

Is a preface only of the epic climb

Of human soul from its flat earthly state

To the discovery of a greater self

And the far gleam of an eternal Light.

We are constantly absorbed in the outer Consciousness ,

A slave of circumstances .

This world is a beginning and a base

Where Life and Mind erect their structured dreams;

There is a wideness and Depth in our Consciousness of

which this Surface Nature has no Knowledge .

There is in us the Imperishable Light .

There is an Immortal Self in us , which is Dormant , and

waiting to be discovered .

30
But these are on the surface , they are " hidden,
subliminal , mystical”
And the only means to have true knowledge of them is :
“An Inward turn”

Without this inward turn , all in life would seem accidental ,

a work of chance , insignificant .

The world appears from nothingness to nothingness .

When we can open to the descend from above into the

human consciousness , we can feel the presence of the
master in us , who clearly guides us and responds to our
aspirations .

An unborn Power must build reality.

And temples to the godhead none can see.

A shapeless memory lingers in us still

And sometimes, when our sight is tuned within,

Earth's ignorant veil is lifted from our eyes;

In the unfolding process of the Self

Sometimes the inexpressible Mystery

Elects a human vessel of descent.

A breath comes down from a supernal air,

A Presence is born, a guiding Light awakes,

A stillness falls upon the instruments:

31
Unfortunately , so closed are we in our shells , that the
Divine has to press down upon us , his pressure , to
awaken us from our slumber .

And then the Divine pays no heed to the havoc created by

its force on the resisting shell , for it can see the Bliss
behind the agonizing heart .

Or a revealing Force sweeps blazing in;

Out of some vast superior continent
Knowledge breaks through trailing its radiant seas,
And Nature trembles with the power, the flame.

A greater Personality sometimes

Possesses us which yet we know is ours:

Or toe adore the Master of our souls.

Then the small bodily ego thins and falls;

No more insisting on its separate self,

Losing the punctilio of its separate birth,

It leaves us one with Nature and with God.

The divine play starts - Knowledge and Ignorance ,Light

and Darkness, Pleasure and pain -

There are Two who are One and play in many worlds .

The Divine takes on the Mask of Imperfection so that

ultimately the human can rise to the Divine Nature .

This is our inevitable destiny .

The Absolute , The Perfect and The Alone takes up this

32
Adventure of plunging himself into the Unfathomable
Depths of the Inconscient - because :

To evoke a Person in the impersonal Void,

With the Truth-Light strike earth’s massive roots of trance,
Wake a dumb self in the inconscient depths

The Secret Knowledge was revealed to me by The

Mother .It must have a purpose in my life , which I have not
yet discovered. Though it gives a hazy hint of the path to
be pursued :

There is a plan in the Mother’s deep world-whim,

A purpose in her vast and random game

And raise a lost Power from its python sleep

That the eyes of the Timeless might took out from Time
And the world manifest the unveiled Divine.

Mental fear , vital fear , physical fear ; Seen them in the

eye .What was next ? The journey is on , the path is long , I
cannot stop , must move on .

As I walk on , there is a hurling wind storm in the desert ,

the sharp turns of the cyclone feel like blows to my body .

Suddenly - A sharp physical pain in my abdomen - very

sharp , very hurting , very familiar .

A pain so intense that I knew it is this pain that I have lived

throughout my life ..

I have experienced it in every wakeful and sleeping

moment .

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I have lived , literally soaked in this pain .

In this intense pain , I called for The Mothers Help and

Suddenly I was pushed outside this sensation and it was

as if I was watching this movement of pain.
I could feel that something else was in pain and it was not
me . It was something else which was experiencing this
pain .
But how could that be possible ? The pain was clearly
inside me yet I was not in pain ?

Ohhhh Yyess ! The answer came from within !

My Consciousness had shifted from the sensation of pain

to somewhere else outside , where I was able to see the
pain as separate from my self !

And I watched shamelessly :

I could see an object in my vital .

This object was experiencing the pain from the blows and
knocks of life !
It was a black steel being , smashed at various places ,
bleeding with open wounds .
Crying with sadness at its defeat and inability to handle
and withstand the shocks of life !

Who was this being inside me ?

The answer came from within :

MY VITAL EGO !

34
With my trembling hands- I held the ego in my hands -
The naked , smashed , black entity ... with a huge head and
a tiny body .
It looked at me , a tear dropped from its left eye - on my
hands
And I knew why it had suffered all these years -maybe
lifetimes :

It was this ego which always gave me the sense of being

separate from everything around me .

A constant acknowledgement of the "I ness” , ''ME" ,

“MINE” , "I WANT” , “I DESIRE” , ''I LIKE” , "I HATE” !

All grief was born out of this ego from the contacts of
existence .
Its sense of fear was born from the sense of being exposed
to all these contacts which are not itself .
Because of this feeling of separation , I was unable to enter
into harmony and oneness with the environment and so
the inability of enjoying life in the true sense .
And because of this inability of knowing or becoming
aware of my true self , there was always this discord and
disharmony within my own being and with other beings ,
as well .

And these caused all my mental ,emotional and physical

suffering .
An extreme sense of weakness and inadequacy .
Draining of energy in trying to be self fulfilled - but only
receiving emptiness in return.

It was the vital ego who desired , it was the ego who was
ambitious , it was the vital ego who wanted to posses , it
was the vital ego who was Afraid !

35
Afraid for its Self Existence , Self Assertion , Self
Affirmation !
It knew only ONE standard -
Its own Satisfaction , Its own Growth , Its own Strength , Its
own Greatness

To impose itself on the world or defend itself from the

world.
So deeply steeped am I in Egoism - that I want to pull
everything towards me and other people do not interest
me .
Always putting my self at the center of the universe and all
things exist only in relation to myself .
And for that even if the vital ego has to dominate my mind
to create stories of Self Justification of its actions ; it will
do so happily !

Most of my sensitiveness was a result and a sign of the

ego .
All bitterness in life came from this ego refusing to
abdicate .

And as I look at the wounds of the ego in front of me , I go

back in time .

Ever since I can remember ,

After my wakeful years on this tyrant earth - The blows
came right from my tender years -One after another and
another ...
The stock of tears never seemed to end .
And I would look at the picture of Krishna and cry
Why ? why are you so Hard ? Stop ! Stop ! But it never
stopped ......

36
For I was trapped in my ego .
That was my identity ; I thought .
I associated the “I" with this vital ego .
I felt its pain , its anguish , its wailing .

And today , looking at the smashed entity - I realize that It

is not the soul but the ego and its pride that felt defeat and
humiliation and pain and shocks .

It was the ego that was being blown apart !

And the mother broke it !

This Knot of ego is so tight that it requires the Sword of

Kali to break it apart .
And Kali revealed as Dreadful Power and the Wrathful
Love .
She Slayed with her furious blows this ego in order to
liberate it as spirit eternal .

The face of my vital ego was revealed to me !

These are moments of grace , which the divine gives
us ,for our sake .
There must have been some very minuscule part in my
being where the ego must have been conquered ; for the
divine to reveal to me the very existence of the ego in my
vital .

Everything changed :

The veil removed and the virgin truth revealed itself with a
naughty smile adorning a peacock feather .

And that smile said what a Thousands epics could not !

37
"In moments of Despair , when you thought there was no
hope
In moments of Sadness , when you yearned for that one
spark of joy
In moments of Loneliness , when you yearned for comfort
In moments of Failure , when you Cursed me if things
didn't move as per your dreams and desires It was in
those moments that I was Hugging you ; My Love .

For it was not you who was getting blown to shreds It was
your vital ego which was coming between Me and you
And it was this Intense Love for you that I was breaking the
barrier
So we could Unite
So My Love could flow into your being without Hindrance

Let the ego cry ! let it hurt ! For - ITS HOUR HAS GONE !
It is now - THE HOUR OF GOD !
And this hour too was decided by ME !"

My lover took away my robe of sin and I let it fall, rejoicing;

then he plucked at my robe of virtue, but I was ashamed
and alarmed and prevented him. It was not till he wrested it
from me by force to show my soul hidden from me.

I have to put this egoism out of me , hunting it from every

lair and burrow and bathe my purified and naked soul in
her infinite workings Then and only then will divine be
revealed to me .

It is all a matter of learning my lessons quickly and then

instantly everything will change .

38
Till the time I will feel the shocks ,till the time I will react ,till
the time the outer knocks will cause pain , physical ,
emotional , mental - I will know the ego exists , the ego
principle is active - The idea of separation exists , for only
opposite and separate forces .

How can two united forces ; cause a knock or a blow ?

This is the lesson that I have to learn .

I must go deep deep within and find the Eternal Essence of

my being to know the Creative Reality in my self, to realize
that it is One Single Thing - One Unity -

UNITY of CONSCIOUSNESS .

Beyond it all , at the bottom , at the center , at the summit

of the being ,
There is a Supreme Truth of the Being , an Eternal Light ,
independent of all circumstances of birth , of country , of
environment , of education :
The origin , cause and master of our spiritual development
-
It is THAT that gives a definite orientation to our existence ,
It is THAT that decides our destiny .

Instead of pulling the Divine into me , I have decided to

give myself to the Divine without holding back anything ,
simply for the joy of giving myself.

TO MERGE MY EGO IN THE DIVINE !

39
But nobody offers stale , rotten Flowers to the Divine ;

I have to first Integrate all the Strings of my

Consciousness ,Become a Conscious Individual ,
To be Conscious of all the movement of my mind , vital ,
physical ,
To Surround my Being around my Psychic ,
To Truly and Sincerely become a life student of the Science
of Living ,
Flower my Personality - both Inner and Outer Consecrate
Everything to the Divine .
To engrave in my soul –‘LET ONLY THE WILL BE DONE ,
MOTHER’

Only then will the Divine give me permission to let my ego

merge in the Divine , to live only for the Divine .

However long it may take , however many lifetimes and

rebirths .

For once I am individualized , then I will tell the Divine :

" Here I am , I am ready do you want me . “

And the divine will say :

“YES"

All will be accomplished !

One day - There will be no more ‘ I ‘ , there will be no more

ego ,
there will be no more fear ....... One day ……

For That which knows has no fear .

40
Now it was only me and Her .

She smiled again and hugged me tight and then I knew

how much She truly loved me .

And as She hugged me tight , Her Golden Light fell on the

empty dark Abyss of my Consciousness :

There is a cry - an anguish

An anguish of long awaited relief
The sigh of a healing wound
The freedom of knowing it was OK to be
The freedom of opening without fear
The allowance to unburden
The hand of friendship
The freshness of virgin nature
The pouring of warmth
The freshness of warmth
The embrace of the mother
The absolute giving - without holding
The blissful sleep on the mothers lap
The yearning of the wounded Inconscient for its lover ;

and HER LOVE comes as its SAVIOUR !

Only the divine love can throw a bridge over the wounds
that were dug when in this being the consciousness
separated from its divine origin and became inconscience .

From hell and back

The journey on the dry sands of time killed many Demons
within ,They have been removed and dissolved
But the gaping wounds from the stampede of their iron
nailed shoes remain ;
There are open wounds in my Consciousness which have
to be Sealed:

41
My gaping wounds are a thousand and one
And the Titan kings assail ,
But I cannot rest till my task is done
And wrought the eternal will .

How they mock and sneer , both devils and men !

" Thy hope is chimera's head
Painting the sky with its fiery stain ;
Thou shalt fall and thy work lie dead .

" This earth is ours , a field of Night

For our petty flickering fires.
How shall it brook the sacred Light
Or suffer a god's desires ?

But the god is there in my mortal breast

Who wrestles with error and fate
And tramples a road through mire and waste
For the nameless Immaculate .

A voice cried , " Go where none have gone !

Dig deeper , deeper yet
Till thou reach the grim foundation stone
And knock at the keyless gate ."

I saw that a falsehood was planted deep

At the very root of things
Where the grey Sphinx guards God's riddle sleep
On the Dragon's outspread wings .

I have delved through the dumb Earth’s dreadful heart

And have heard her black mass' bell .
I have seen the source whence her agonies part
And the inner reason of hell .

42
On a desperate stair my feet have trot
Armoured with boundless peace,
Bringing the fires of the splendour of God
Into the human abyss ,

He who I am was with me still ;

All veils are breaking now .
I have heard His voice and borne His will
On my vast untroubled brow .

The gulf twixt the depths and the heights is bridged

And the golden waters pour
Down the sapphire mountain rainbow -ridged
And glimmer from shore to shore .

I shall leave my dreams in their argent air ,

For in a raiment of gold and blue
There shall move on the earth embodied and fair
The living truth of you .

I pray to her to HEAL me Whole , Complete and Integral .

Body , Mind and Soul .

And she starts the process very very concretely :

It seems the Holy Universe Forces are reaching out to me

as Healing Agents assigned by her ..

And mentor me the way to Eternal Integral Healing

And so I stand in The Mothers Presence !

Chant the mantra :

MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER

43
Invoking Her Divine Grace !

Receiving the Divine Force of Consciousness and Truth

with one Hand !
Projecting it on the wounds with the other Hand !
Her divine healing energy and divine healing powers Seal
the wounds.
Shield the protective web , so any adverse force dare not
venture into this protected zone .

For there is a ‘Hand Of God’ above which looks down and

says -
‘Stay away – this fella belongs to me !’

For Ever and Ever and Ever ! In Full Faith ! So Be It !

And the process goes on . all is New and Fragrant and

Pure.
Like the Sandal Wood Incense which is offered at the Feet
oft the Divine .

A journey with fear took me to depths of my mind , my

vital , my physical , my ego .

But it is not my Journey alone , It is the Journey of every

Soul .

It is not my pain alone - It is Universal pain .

The wounds are not mine only - They are the wounds of the
Inconscient .

The Embrace of the mother is not only for me -

It is the Embrace of the Divine to Unite back to its
Separated Unconsciousness .

44
Every battle Won within - Is a battle won against the evil for
the sake of the Divine .

A Divine Golden Touch received for every ounce of the

Soul's Blood-Shed .

None of this would have happened if Mother had not

shown me the face of this Devil Fear in my being .
I had 2 Choices :
To remain its victimized puppet , or to turn this adversity as
a stepping stone for my souls evolution and as a
participant in the divine plan.

I decide to live up to the Divine Task bestowed upon me

and suddenly and then Everything changes its Perception .

The role of the adverse beings changed.

Their torture became the test of my inner strength .

The perception of the situations which bought about dead

ends changed , only so I could become aware of the
inherent courage to create a new path forward from this
dead end .

The perception of people who seemed like devil incarnate

changed , sources of hurt and pain - so much pain - That
the ego had no choice but to breakdown and smash- These
people were the hand of God , at all moments they were
nudging me to be aware of this ego that was standing
between me and the Divine .

The perception of the unfulfilled desires changed

For they forced me to change my path and come closer
and closer to the Divine.

45
The perception of unaccomplished ambition changed
for it prevented me from becoming the Devils Advocate .

The perception of the breaking human attachments

changed
For there is freedom now to belong to the divine alone .

The perception of Fear changed

For it lead me to Divine Love !

And I understand now -what it means that ; all is the Divine

Play !

It is altogether true that everything changes its

appearance ,totally that life and things are completely
different from what they appear to be .

When one has this perception – the perception of the work

of the divine force , of the movement being worked out
behind the appearance , through the appearance - one
begins to be ready to live something truer than the
ordinary human falsehood ..

One is shut up in a shell , and inside it something is

happening , like a chick in the egg ,It is getting ready in
there .it is in there .
one doesn’t see it .

Something is happening in the shell , but outside one sees

nothing .

And it is only when all is ready that there comes the

capacity to pierce the shell and to be born into the light of
day .

46
There is rather a kind of accumulation of power inside , an
intensification of the need , and an endurance in the effort
which becomes free from all fear , all anxiety , all
calculation ;
a need so imperative that one no longer cares for the
consequences.
One feels like an explosive that wants to burst out from
one's prison in a bIaze of light ,
And that moment ; when it comes would be truly a new
birth .

My tears can’t stop flowing .

She commanded me in the darkest moments of my life on
the rocky sea side , the turbulent waves and the gushing
wind .

Become solid , Become solid ,don't look for me outside ,

look inside
And there you will find me in every form , look inside , look
inside .

I look inside .
A Golden Tunnel
A Pink Flame
The Melody of Krishna's Flute
And Her Direct Command :

These are not words Pass through to the other side .

Sincerely yours,

Creative writing by ,

Shibani Dara

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