Conversation Tactics Course 5 154

CONVERSATION Module
TACTICS: ONE
SOCIAL CONFIDENCE
M1: SOCIAL CONFIDENCE
¡  Social confidence is the mindset to achieve and aim for

¡  What does that mean? Your general approach and conception
of conversation.
¡  Most of us carry the wrong mindset towards conversation

¡  What beliefs and assumptions do you have?
§  “I’m not good with people.”
§  “You’re either born with it or not.”
§  “I hate small talk.”
§  “I’m just not an interesting person.”
§  “I’m just an introvert.”
§  “Conversation is a waste of time. I’ve got goals!”
§  “I’m self-conscious and afraid of judgment from others.”
¡ A rbitrary assumptions and limiting

beliefs prevent you from conversational
success.
¡ G et out a piece of paper and pen and
write down your other assumptions about
conversations + you.
¡ D o you have to justify and rationalize
them? Are they fact? What are they
based on?
¡ R egardless of how you feel, it’s important

to recognize that your assumptions are:
¡ I ncorrect
¡ U nfounded
¡ B ased on emotional reactions
¡ O ne-time occurrences
¡ S elf-consciousness
¡ T hey are negative self-talk based on

comparisons between your worst with
other people’s best.
¡ J udge based on evidence and facts, not
emotions.
¡  Can someone learn to run faster? Of
course. So why can’t you do better here?
¡  We assume perfectionism is (1) possible, and (2) preferable

¡  Incorrect.
¡  Perfection is impossible
¡  Vulnerability is preferred.
¡  Catalog MINOR strengths and ACTUAL weaknesses.
¡  Strengths – what you do better than most of your friends.
¡  Weaknesses – what you do much worse than most of your
friends.
¡  If the weakness list is way longer, you know you have a
perception problem.
¡  When you don’t have social confidence…

¡  You play to not lose acquaintances, as opposed to win
friends.
¡  You are self-conscious at anything that can be rejected.
§  “They’ll think I’m stupid”
§  “I can’t say that…”
§  “I’ll just bore them anyway.”
¡  You become a shallow, vanilla version of yourself.
¡  All this because you fear judgment.
¡  But what are the realistic consequences?

¡  It’s a very lopsided cost-benefit analysis, actually.
¡  Create a Confidence Resume full of Confidence Anchors. Keep it

updated and review regularly to know your talking points.
¡  Index card of social successes – you ARE that type of person
§  Greatest accomplishments
§  Greatest moments of wit
§  Biggest laughs you’ve gotten
§  Times you’ve been “in the zone”
§  Greatest strengths and talents
§  Recent happenings
§  Notable stories
¡  Homework: Create your own index card to carr y around with you
whenever you need a boost.
¡ So what’s the correct mindset for optimal

conversations?
¡ S hift goal-orientation towards curiosity and
entertainment, and not impressing others.
Take the pressure off of yourself.
¡ P resenting the best version of yourself.
¡ F ocusing on the person in front of you.
¡ E verything else flows naturally.
¡ C uriosity – WWJD (or WWCD)

¡ W hat Would Jay (Conan) Do?
§ C ome with the excitement, enthusiasm,
curiosity, and interest of a talk show host.
¡ “ You can make more friends in two months
by becoming truly interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying to get
other people interested in you.” – Dale
Carnegie
¡ E ntertainment: people engage in

conversation for very few
purposes:
§ Entertainment
§ Information
§ Utility
§ Pleasure
¡ Once you realize this, you realize that anything you
want from a conversation will flow naturally if you
can satisfy at least 1-2 of those purposes (Greasy
Crowbar!)
¡  Rookie Mistakes
¡  Being driven by assumptions and fears – and not questioning

them.
¡  Overestimating how much time and effort is necessary to
improve your conversation skills.
¡  Not realizing the value of conversations.
¡  Being too goal-oriented and putting pressure on yourself.
¡  Not using curiosity and entertainment as the primary
motivators of conversation.
¡  Not having an accurate self-assessment.
¡  Fearing judgment and staying vanilla as a result.
CONVERSATION Module
TACTICS: TWO
PRE CONVERSATION
M2: PRE CONVERSATION
¡ Great conversationalists do their work

beforehand.
¡ They are great at thinking on their feet (which
we can train), but they are always prepared in
two main areas:
§ E nergy and alertness
§ A lways knowing what to say
¡ Energy and alertness

¡  Social muscles are just like any other muscle in your body
(figurative and also physical vocal cords).
¡  Athletes warm up before competition, so you should do the
same.
¡  Method #1: Read 300 words out loud. Three times.
§  Preferably with dialogue
§  Pretend you are reading a book out loud to children
¡  Exaggerate ever y emotion, vocal high and low, character voice,
whisper, laugh, growl, and breath.
¡  Take your time and express each emotion to the fullest
¡  Read the following passage three times. Was the third time far
better and dif ferent?
¡  A f te r c l i m b i n g d o w n f r o m t h e c h i n a w a l l t h e t r av e l e r s f o u n d t h e m s e l v e s i n a
d i s a g r e e a b l e c o u n t r y, f u l l o f b o g s a n d m a r s h e s a n d c o v e r e d w i t h t a l l , r a n k g r a s s . I t w a s
d i f f i c u l t to w a l k w i t h o u t f a l l i n g i n to m u d d y h o l e s , f o r t h e g r a s s w a s s o t h i c k t h a t i t h i d
them from sight.
¡  H o w e v e r, b y c a r e f u l l y p i c k i n g t h e i r w ay, t h ey g o t s a f e l y a l o n g u n t i l t h ey r e a c h e d s o l i d
g r o u n d . B u t h e r e t h e c o u n t r y s e e m e d w i l d e r t h a n e v e r, a n d a f te r a l o n g a n d t i r e s o m e
w a l k t h r o u g h t h e u n d e r b r u s h t h ey e n te r e d a n o t h e r f o r e s t , w h e r e t h e t r e e s w e r e b i g g e r
a n d o l d e r t h a n a ny t h ey h a d e v e r s e e n .
¡  " T h i s f o r e s t i s p e r f e c t l y d e l i g h t f u l , " d e c l a r e d t h e L i o n , l o o k i n g a r o u n d h i m w i t h j oy.

" N e v e r h av e I s e e n a m o r e b e a u t i f u l p l a c e . ”
¡  " I t s e e m s g l o o my, " s a i d t h e S c a r e c r o w
¡  " N o t a b i t o f i t , " a n s w e r e d t h e L i o n . " I s h o u l d l i ke t o l i v e h e r e a l l my l i f e . S e e h o w s o f t

the dried leaves are under your feet and how rich and green the moss is that clings to
these old trees. Surely no wild beast could wish a pleasanter home.”
¡  " P e r h a p s t h e r e a r e w i l d b e a s t s i n t h e f o r e s t n o w, " s a i d D o r o t hy.
¡  " I s u p p o s e t h e r e a r e , " r e t u r n e d t h e L i o n , " b u t I d o n o t s e e a ny o f t h e m a b o u t . ”
¡  T h ey w a l ke d t h r o u g h t h e f o r e s t u n t i l i t b e c a m e to o d a r k to g o a ny f a r t h e r. D o r o t hy a n d
To t o a n d t h e L i o n l ay d o w n t o s l e e p , w h i l e t h e Wo o d m a n a n d t h e S c a r e c r o w ke p t w a t c h
over them as usual.
¡ Energy and alertness

¡  Method #2: Visualize yourself succeeding
¡  Pretend you are sitting in a movie theater watching yourself
on the screen.
¡  Play out exactly how you the ideal scenario for you will go,
and then how the worst scenario will go.
§  Try to feel energy from the positive scenario.
¡  What are the differences? Pay special attention to the worst
scenario, and think about what you can plan and prepare for.
¡  Visualizing makes the unpredictable more predictable, and
that’s how we can approach it more excitedly and
energetically.
¡  Always knowing what to say

§  Do your work beforehand.
§  Your life is more interesting than you let on in exchanges of “Hey,
how was your weekend?”
¡  Know your stories!
¡  Conversations follow predictable patterns, so construct mini-
stories ahead of time so you are never caught speechless.
¡  Capitalize on every interaction so you can have a personal
dialogue instead of mindless small talk.
¡  Share about yourself and they will too.
¡  This allows you to curate your image and share how you want
to be perceived.
§  Not doing this leads to the small talk that people hate.
¡  What are the questions that will always come up with friends
and strangers?
¡  How was your weekend?
¡  How is your week going?
¡  What do you have going on next weekend?
¡  How is your day going?
¡  How’s work?
§  Where are you from?
§  Where did you go to school?
§  Did you catch the [current events/sporting event]?
§  So much more…
¡  You know these will come up, and that most
conversations follow patterns.
¡  Homework: Construct a 10-15 second mini-story to
answer each of these questions and rehearse them.
¡  People just want to hear something interesting, so give it to

them.
§  Conversational rule of thumb.
¡  Don’t worry about answering any question literally. Don’t
take them at face value.
§  No one cares, not even you.
§  Feel free to re-direct questions.
¡  Take time to think of the “you” that you want to present, and
highlight those attributes, hobbies, passions, and stories.
¡  When you show the willingness to get personal, others will
too to relate to you.
§  AKA friendship
¡ Role Models
¡  The final part of being conversation ready the moment someone
says “Hi!” is finding a social role model that you can simply ask,
“What would they do in this situation?”
§  Lets you literally copy someone.
§  Decreases pressure and anxiety of the moment.
§  Instantly prevents a blank mind – fill your mind with the role model.
¡ M ine? Will Smith

¡ Homework: Find three people (fictional, real, celebrity,
acquaintance) that you can consider social role
models. (Ari Gold, Robert Downey Jr., Don Draper –
Michelle Obama, Ellen, Lucille Ball, you name it.)
§ What do they have in common?
¡ Role Models
¡ Whoever you want to emulate, take those traits and
create an avatar for yourself.
§ The best parts of your role models.
¡ Assign 6 adjectives that you would use to
describe them.
¡ Give them a ridiculous name.
¡ Now you have a clear idea of how you want to be
socially and what their general demeanor would
be.
§ “What would Sasha Fierce do in this situation?”
§ “What would James Bond do here?”
¡  Relying on “winging it” and warming up during the

conversation.
¡  Not warming up and getting ready for game time.
¡  Not realizing how much work can be done ahead of time.
¡  Not capitalizing on the inherent patterns of conversations.
¡  Not sharing about yourself and expecting it to get personal.
¡  Depending on other people to put the work in for you.
¡  Not having a role model or aspirational figure.
CONVERSATION
Module
TACTICS: THREE
BULLETPROOF FIRST
IMPRESSIONS
M3: BULLETPROOF FIRST IMPRESSIONS
¡  First impressions are important.

¡  You immediately become a “type” of person, and any action
thereafter will be judged through that lens, positive or
negative.
¡  First impressions are broken down into a few components:
§  Eye contact
§  Body language
§  Facial expression
§  Vocal tone
¡  It’s not always what you say.
¡  That’s why you’ll hear someone say “I just didn’t like their
vibe, even though they were perfectly polite.”
¡ Step 1: The Mirror Test

§  You must pass the Mirror Test!
¡  What kind of messages and impression are you sending off
non-verbally?
¡  Find your blind spots.
¡  Introduce yourself to the mirror as if it were a stranger and
tell it a quick story about your weekend.
¡  How were your:
§  Eye contact
§  Body language
§  Facial expression
§  Vocal tone
¡  Homework: Perform the mirror test before you leave the

house to make sure your non-verbals are calibrated.
¡ Step 2: Assume Familiarity

¡  If you act like a friend, people will treat you like a friend.
¡  How do you speak to your friends, and what do you speak to
them about?
¡  Speak without formality and with familiarity.
¡  Psychological effects of acting the part.
¡  Bypass awkwardness.
¡  When you are uncomfortable, it makes others feel
uncomfortable. (fat me)
¡  People like similarity and feel comfortable with comfort.
¡  Step 3: Excitement, Presence, Attention, Warmth

§  Excitement: Show true, genuine, or attempted excitement at
speaking.
§  HUGE reactions, similar to shock.
§  What is the emotion they are trying to convey?
§  Presence: Be present and in the moment – don’t be distracted by
other people, even in a crowd.
§  Attention: Give 100% attention to them.
§  Warmth: Be warm and speak like an old friend.
¡  Step 4: Eye contact

¡  Sidewalks and Sunglasses exercise
§  (From the training videos)
¡  Take a pair of sunglasses and sit facing an area with foot
traffic.
¡  Stare with impunity into people’s eyes as they pass by.
¡  Get accustomed to that tension until it doesn’t bother you.
¡  Gaze versus stare
§  Watching puppies versus TV news anchor
¡  Amount when speaking (50%) versus when listening (80%)
¡  Step 5: Think through it.

¡  Nothing spoils a first impression if you are speechless after a
strong start.
¡  How do you do this? By mind mapping and simply thinking
through it.
¡  Conversational Analysis
¡  When you visualize and play out the paths that each topic or
statement you bring up in conversation will take.
¡  Drill the possibilities and this exercise will expand your mind
with just a bit of forethought.
¡  Allows you to think on your feet better… because you aren’t.
You are preparing beforehand.
¡  Make the unpredictable more predictable.
¡  Conversational analysis
¡  What is the range of answers you will receive when you say
the following:
§  I went skiing with my brother last week.
§  I can’t believe your office is so nice!
§  That’s a great jacket.
§  I love/hate that cafe
¡  How to analyze? Use assumptions.
§  Assume they agree or disagree
§  Assume they will ask about your opinion – what is your opinion?
§  Assume they give their opinion.
§  Assume they ask detail questions.
§  Assume they they will only acknowledge.
§  Assume they have a personal history with that topic.
¡  Being distracted – “scanning eyes”.

¡  Assuming that people know you already.
¡  Not realizing your blind spots.
¡  Poor non-verbals and monotone speaking voice.
¡  Underestimating the effect of a first impression.
¡  Not speaking to people on their level.
¡  Not thinking ahead and visualizing.
¡  Relying on winging it.
CONVERSATION Module
TACTICS: FOUR
BREAKING THE ICE
M4: BREAKING THE ICE
¡  Picture the following at a networking event:

¡  People speaking together in a circle with their backs turn to
you.
¡  They seem super focused and attentive.
¡  You don’t want to interrupt them.
¡  They all seem to know each other already.
¡  You laugh and inch your way forward, nodding your head.
¡  Breaking the ice is hard and awkward.
§ Or is it?
¡  Like most of these problems, it’s all in your mind.

¡  We have judgments and assumptions that create social fear.
¡ “They’ll think…” pattern.
§  They’ll think I’m a weirdo.
§  They’ll think I’m a creep.
§  They’ll think I’m rude.
§  They’ll think I’m a loser.
¡  People want what you want, even if it appears that they

are completely occupied.
¡  They are hoping for an interesting conversation at any
given moment.
¡  You know how to provide that!
¡  FOUR main ways to break the ice.

§  3 indirect
§  1 direct
¡  Most of us feel more comfortable with indirect methods
(excuses, justifications) to break the ice because they feel
less intrusive and more natural and organic.
§  There’s the hump – when you feel that you’re interrupting just for
the sake of interrupting.
¡  Where would you feel less social pressure?
¡  Walking up to someone and saying hello at a networking
event.
§  Direct
¡  Asking for directions when you are utterly lost and almost
out of gas.
§  Indirect
¡  Direct icebreakers
¡  Intention is that you want to meet and speak to them. Nothing
hidden.
¡  You already know these…
§  But you don’t like to use them because they feel aggressive and there is
a higher probability of an awkward encounter.
¡  Hi, how are you?

¡  Hi, have you been here before?
¡  Hi, how long have you been a part of this association?
¡  Hi, I’m Patrick. What’s your name?
¡ Just make sure you know what to say afterwards!

¡ Indirect icebreakers
¡  Make sure you have an opinion/stance on what you are asking
or commenting on! Even more powerful if you can pretend that
you are asking for someone else.
¡  Method #1: Asking an informational or opinion-based question.

§  Excuse me, do you know what time the speeches begin?
§  What did you think of the CEO’s speech?
§  Especially effective on things they identify with or enjoy.
§  (It’s easier to engage someone when you have a clear purpose)
¡ Indirect icebreakers
¡  Method #2: Commenting on a situational observation.
§  Did you see that piece of art on the wall? It’s crazy.
§  The lighting in here is beautiful. Did you see the entrance?
§  (It’s easier to pretend that you’re thinking out loud and incidentally
engaging someone)
¡  Method #3: Commenting or asking about a shared
circumstance.
§  So who do you know here?
§  Jack (person who organized the party) really knows how to throw a
party.
§  (It’s easier to to show interest and curiosity)
¡  Practicing observational skills

§  Homework: Come up with 10 indirect icebreaking statements or
questions to ask someone based on this picture.
¡  We hesitate because we’re unsure of what exactly to say.

¡  Breaking the ice doesn’t make you look weird, hesitating
does.
¡  Internal three second rule – when you see someone you want
to talk to, you do it on instinct, within three seconds.
§  Don’t give yourself time to psych yourself out or create justifications
or excuses like “They look busy! I don’t want to interrupt.”
¡  Approach from the side
§  Approaching from the front can feel confrontational and aggressive
for some.
§  Especially with indirect icebreakers approach from the side,
shoulder to shoulder.
¡ What to say after you break the ice?

§ Think it through with conversation analysis
§ If you ask a question, make sure you have an
answer/opinion on it.
§ If you make a statement and someone reacts, make
sure you can follow up with 2-3 more sentences
about it.
¡ Think in binary terms and keep it simple:
§ (1) Provide your thoughts, or (2) ask for theirs
¡ Rookie Mistakes
¡  If you are aware of how unapproachable groups of people can

appear, you should position yourself to be more open for
others.
¡  Searching for the magic line or circumstance. It doesn’t
matter what you say initially, just make sure you have
something after.
¡  Hesitating and hanging around people.
¡  Being too self-conscious and fearing of judgment.
¡  Not committing to an icebreaker and doing it halfway.
¡  Being too in your head to use your circumstances.
¡  Not finding a social purpose to ease the transition.
CONVERSATION Module
TACTICS: FIVE
CRUSHING SMALL TALK
M5: CRUSHING SMALL TALK
¡ Small talk (n): the most useless and painful

experience in human history.
¡  Why do we hate it?
§  It’s shallow – giving and receiving.
§  You don’t care or want to listen.
§  It feels like a waste of time.
§  Feels forced and obligatory.
§  Exchanging “Cool, how about yous?”
¡  But that’s because most of us do it wrong.
¡  When you skip around topics, that creates an interview.
¡  The key is to share and go deep and personal ASAP.
¡ Care and be curious.

¡  Small talk begins with simple, innocuous questions and
comments.
§  Take the time to listen and actually ask and follow up.
¡  Instead of hopping from shallow question to shallow question,
dig deep into one answer/topic.
§  Ask “Why?” like a child does.
¡  Get into the mindset of curiosity and caring. How much do you
actually do this, and really dig into what people did over the
weekend?
¡  People mention things for a reason – to be heard and asked
about.
¡  And if they don’t, share about yourself to set the tone.
¡  What childhood obsession did you have?

¡  Me: dinosaurs and astronauts
§  You couldn’t have stopped me from asking questions about it.
¡  When have you exhibited that level of curiosity in other
people?
¡  Homework: construct 15 questions you can ask about the
following statement: I went skiing last weekend with my
brother.
¡ Know Your Stories

¡  Covered in Module 2 – know the conversation patterns that
will arise, and prepare for them by constructing mini-stories
to answer them
¡  They don’t have to be literal answers because people don’t
care about those answers – they just want to hear something
interesting.
¡  This is how you instantly take a shallow experience to a
deeper, more personal level. Others will reciprocate.
§  Bonus: you also get to dictate the direction of the conversation.
¡ HPM: History, Philosophy, Metaphor

¡ Cue cards courtesy of improv comedy.
¡ A mental cue that you can use in response to
anything.
§ Everyone has these.
¡ Train you to think outside the box.
¡ Designed to evoke personal details.
¡ Key phrases that can buy you time.
¡ HPM – HISTORY: A personal story, experience, or

relation that you have with the topic at hand.
§  “I went skiing with my brother.”
§  “The baseball game was really great.”
§  “Star Wars is my favorite movie.”
¡ Key phrases:
§  “That reminds me of the last time…”
§  “The last time I...”
§  “I remember when...”
§  “I just read something that relates to that...”
¡ HPM – PHILOSOPHY - Your opinion, feelings, or

thoughts on the topic at hand. Make sure you
provide the reason for your opinion or feelings.
¡ Key phrases
§  “[xxx] is my favorite thing, ever…”
§  “I can’t stand [xxx]...”
§  “I don’t know how I feel about [xxx], [list a positive and then a
negative].”
§  “I’m not a big fan of [xxx] because...”
¡ HPM – METAPHOR –What the topic at hand makes

you think of otherwise, or what you can compare it
to. Make sure to explain why.
¡ Key phrases
§  “That makes me think of…”
§  “Is it just me or is that similar to...”
§  “That totally reminds me of...”
§  “I just read/saw something/friend told me about...”
§  Practice free association – what do you think about when you think
about “cat?”
¡ EDR: Emotion, Detail, Restate

¡  This is similar to HPM in that it can be like cue cards or a list
that you go down when you want to go deeper and crush
small talk.
¡  EDR focuses more on the person in front of you than your
own thoughts.
¡  Since this tends to be what I gravitate towards most of the
time, I anthropromorphize them for fun
§  Emotion – New age healer
§  Detail – Detective looking for details
§  Restate – Freud/psychologist
¡ EDR – Emotions – You ask the other person about

their feelings on the topic, or state them for them
as a question.
¡ Key phrases
§  “Seems like you…”
§  “How do you feel about that?”
§  “Are you X? I would be X if that happened to me?”
§  “You must [xxx] that, huh?”
¡ EDR – Details – Ask about or state details for

them to confirm or deny. Focus on smaller, nitty
gritty details and logistics – the whens and
wheres.
¡ Key phrases
§  “When and where was that?”
§  “How did you guys get there?”
§  “Which location was it at?”
§  “Hold on. That was what day?”
¡ EDR – Restate – Summarize or reform their words

back to them in a curious and inquisitive tone.
¡ Key phrases
§  Whatever they said!
§  “So it sounds like you…”
§  “So let me get this straight...”
§  “Wow, you did X?”
¡ SBR – Specific, Broad, Related – one final

framework!
¡  As opposed to the prior frameworks, this lets you work
directly with what is right in front of you.
¡  These are questions, not your own stories or thoughts.
¡  At this point, you should start thinking about which of these

9 prompts work best for you and most resonate with you –
yes, there is a little bit of overlap.
¡  Which ones are you weak in?
¡ SBR – Specific – Ask questions about specific

processes, methods, and nitty-gritty details
¡ Key Phrases
§  “Wait and where was that?”
§  “How did you guys get there?”
§  “Which location was it at?”
§  “Hold on. That was what day?”
¡ SBR – Broad– Back up and ask questions about

the general context of the topic.
¡ Key Phrases
§  “Hold on. When and where was all this?”
§  “Back up. Why were you there in the first place?”
§  “Cool! How did that idea come up?”
¡ SBR – Related – Ask questions about a

tangential topic that is that related to an aspect
of the topic at hand.
¡ Key Phrases
§  “That reminds me of…”
§  “You know, I did something similar once...”
§  “What about x? Did you think about that?”
¡ Free association – help with Metaphor and

Related
¡  Sometimes we’re stuck in boring conversation tracks and
patterns.
§ You take topics at face value or literally, and create a
mental block as to what’s possible to talk about.
¡  Here’s how you get good at pivoting topics: you get good at
free association.
¡  Think of new topics from “I love cats”
¡  Now free associate 10 words with “cats”
¡  Try it again, destroy the mental block, and see the
difference.
¡ Rookie mistakes
¡  Accepting the status quo.

¡  Staying shallow and not getting personal.
¡  Not caring or being curious about others.
¡  Rushing to an objective instead of focusing on the person in
front of you.
¡  Not sharing about yourself.
¡  Asking poor questions.
CONVERSATION
Module
TACTICS: SIX
AVOIDING AWKWARD
SILENCE
M6: AVOIDING AWKWARD SILENCE
¡ So… how about that weather?

¡  Awkward silences occur one party replies with something
that isn’t substantive, is only an acknowledgement, or they
fail to take the baton.
§  Fun game: watch how often this happens on dates in public places.
¡  They are your duty to prevent, because the majority of people
won’t.
¡  Avoiding awkward silence is about speaking in a way that
makes conversations easy and flowing – even if you run out
of things to say.
§  Habits, not words.
¡ Leading the interaction

§  The most failsafe way to prevent awkward silence.
¡ You are taking the responsibility and burden of
filling the silences with questions, directions, topics,
and statements.
¡ Dramatically changes the way you approach and
view conversations if you view yourself as leading it.
¡ Who leads?
§ Job interviewers
§  Talk show hosts
§  People with power!
¡ Leading the interaction

¡ Decrease the tension and pressure on the other
person.
¡ Use filler words and phrases to signal that you are
going to say something – while giving you time to
think of it.
¡ Make conversation easy for the other person.
¡ Fill the silences and dictate the topics.
¡ Imagine the other person is giving you one-word
answers.
¡ Specific statements
¡  People are conditioned to ask broad questions that are
extremely open-ended, “What do you like to do for fun?”
§  No one can answer those off the top of their heads = awkward
silence.
¡  Use specific statements to elicit better, more easy responses
and prevent awkward silence.
§  Statements imply an opinion and a question to be answered, and
will force people to confirm and elaborate, or disagree and
elaborate.
¡  Evolution:
§  What do you like to do for fun? L
§  Do you like baseball? K
§  You seem to really enjoy baseball. J
¡  Homework: Transform the following broad questions into

specific statements that you can use in conversation.
¡  What do you like to do for fun?
¡  What’s your favorite movie?
¡  What is your favorite hobby?
¡  What is your passion?
¡  What do you think about [xxx]?
¡  Remember, make your questions easy to answer and

relatable.
¡ Callbacks
¡ A callback is a humor technique that standup
comedians use frequently.
¡  Refer to a topic from earlier in the conversation in the
context of the current topic.
§ Makes you appear witty, clever, and insightful… all you
are doing is combining two topics.
§ Wit is often just the ability to combine 2 topics that
seem unrelated.
¡ All you have to do is remember major points of your
conversation thus far – you can’t run out of things
to talk about if you use callbacks!
¡ Callbacks
¡ Old topic: Puppies
¡ Current topic: Enjoying rollercoasters.
¡ How do you combine them to create a callback?
¡ “Good thing you don’t own a dog because I don’t think
they enjoy rollercoasters.”
¡ “Too bad you don’t own a dog because you know how
much they love sticking their heads out of car
windows.”
¡ Callbacks
¡ Old topic: Coffee
¡ Current topic: Apartment rent
¡ How do you combine them to create a callback?
¡ “Good thing that will raise coffee prices around here
as well!”
¡ “It increased $100? That’s only like 25 cups of
coffee…”
¡ Homework: think of 3 ways the following pairs of

topics are linked
§  Dogs and cars
§  Sports and alcohol
§  Work and zoos
§  Shoes and children
§  Shopping for clothing and McDonald’s
¡  Again, it’s free association and finding links between

different topics.
¡  How does one relate to the other, in any direct or tiny,
indirect way?
¡ Not viewing it as your responsibility and depending on

others.
¡ Not leading the interaction and letting it happen.
¡ Making conversation difficult for others with broad
questions.
¡ Not paying close attention to the topics in the
conversation.
¡ Not finding links between different topics.
CONVERSATION
Module
TACTICS: SEVEN
KEEPING A
CONVERSATION GOING
M7: KEEPING A CONVERSATION GOING
¡ All conversations die out naturally sometimes.

§ We lose interest, grow bored, get tired.
¡ But there are many ways to inject interest and
excitement back into a conversation.
¡ How can you create engagement?
¡ A large part of this is making people invested and
validated.
§  People’s favorite topic is themselves.
¡ Reflective and active listening

¡  Reflective and active listening is when you don’t add
anything to the conversation itself!
¡  All you do is comment on someone’s statement, ask them
about it, and allow them to expound on it.
¡  The purpose is to show curiosity, interest, and let them feel
like the star of the conversation.
¡  How do you do this?
§  Summarizing and restating
§  Repeating the last few words of their statement
§  “So what I’m hearing is…”
§  “Let me know if this sounds correct...”
§  “It sounds like…”
§  “You said X, so does that mean Y...”
¡ Reflective and active listening

¡  You can get away with saying very little as long as you ask
the right questions or imply the right things.
¡  People like explaining their inner train of thought and will
leap at the chance to do that to you.
¡  They will confirm or disagree, and happily explain their
justifications for why.
¡  Especially helpful in finding people’s true motivations for
something.
¡  A curious tone is key.
¡ BIG reactions
¡  Reactions are a highly, highly underrated part of
conversation.
¡  People mention things for a reason, and if they are ignored,
it accumulates to not feeling heard, validated,
acknowledged, or like people care about what you’re saying
at all.
¡  BIG reactions invigorate people and engage them.
¡  Step one: Determine the emotional reaction that someone is
seeking.
¡  Step two: React to everything people say, even if it’s just a
facial expression or like you’re thinking out loud to yourself.
¡  Step three: Whenever possible, react BIG.
¡ BIG reactions
¡  How do you feel when you feel like you made someone’s day,
shocked them, gave them a huge laugh, or blown someone’s
mind – when you excite someone?
¡  Versus someone that reacts in a subdued manner, or ignores
your statements.
¡  Acted SHOCKED.
¡  React to EVERY THING.
¡ Commonalities
¡  This is another way to create engagement.
¡  We instinctually do this when we meet people… can you think
of how?
§  “Where did you go to school?” “Wow, awesome! Do you know Bob
Johnson? I think he was your year!”
¡  We ask a million shallow questions in the hopes of finding a
single commonality.
¡  Creates a certain level of understanding. “Your parents were
ALSO potato farmers from Idaho?!”
¡  Commonality creates familiarity. Familiarity creates comfort.
¡ Shallow versus deep commonalities

§  Shallow ones are a good starting point, but you want to move into
deeper ones as quickly as possible.
¡  What’s a deep commonality?
§  A trait (especially traits they identify with), emotion, feeling,
formative experience, fear, insecurity, vulnerability, or aspiration...
¡  How do you get deep?
§  Share stories
§  Ask about emotions, feelings, fears, and hopes... And share your
own.
§  Feel slightly invasive and probe deeply into topics.
§  See what seems to resonate and excite them – share your
experiences with that and then shut up and let them speak on it.
¡ Commonalities.
¡  Still searching? Make an educated guess – a “cold read”
¡  State a stance for them that is (1) general and can’t be
disagreed with, or (2) a read on their character
¡  “You seem like the type of person that [xxx]…
§  Likes puppies, likes to be outdoors, is into fitness, hates country
music,
§  Person walks in with fur and dirt all over their shoes – “You must
have a furbaby that you treat like a human child.”
¡  Hey, me too!
¡  Not listening with intent.

¡  Not being present and learning about the person in front
of you.
¡  Expecting engagement without encouragement from you.
¡  Relying on sparks of genius inspiration.
¡  Not searching for commonalities and humanizing
yourself.
¡  Not realizing what people want: validation and a little bit
of the spotlight.
CONVERSATION
Module
TACTICS: EIGHT
THE ART OF BEING
CAPTIVATING
M8: THE ART OF BEING CAPTIVATING
¡ Sometimes we lose track of why we have

conversations.
¡  You might be goal-oriented, but as we discussed, your
overarching goals come naturally if you are likable and
interesting to speak to.
¡  There are only a few reasons people really engage in
conversation.
§  Utility (goals)
§  Information (goals)
§  Entertainment (thumbs up)
¡  We usually focus on the first two goals of conversation.
§  It makes sense, but neglecting that conversations should just be fun
and entertaining, and make people feel good is a huge mistake
¡ Focusing on entertainment for both parties, and

self-amusement
¡  Makes you less results oriented = less stress and anxiety
¡  The goal of being entertaining and being entertained.
¡  If you can both walk away smiling and laughing, that will
build more business than the best salesman… and they’ll
accept a worse price from you, too!
¡  Allows you to think outside the box because there are many
more ways to achieve THAT goal.
¡  If entertainment is not your primary goal, then you are
playing to not lose or make an impression, versus playing to
win and make an impression.
¡ How can you create more entertainment in a

conversation?
¡  By eliminating safe, vanilla lines of thought and topics – and
what you thought was appropriate.
§  We have too many assumptions and beliefs “too personal” or
“unprofessional.”
¡  We assume judgment when we ourselves wouldn’t judge.
¡  What is ACTUALLY inappropriate?
§  Religion, deaths, politics, emotional abuse, etc.
§  Few topics – more of how you address them.
¡  Homework: come up with 10 questions to ask someone that
you would ask a good friend, but not a coworker or other
professional contact. The wilder the better.
§  Which of those would you be okay with a coworker asking?
¡ How often do you say “I hope you don’t mind my

asking…”
¡ These perceived limits harm your conversations.
¡ How else can you create more entertainment in a

conversation? Use your creativity and think
outside the box of the normal linear conversation
topics and structure.
¡ Hypotheticals
¡  Use your surroundings, interpersonal situations, and general
musings.
§  What if…
§  Would you rather...
§  What would you do if...
§  How would you react...
§  When do you think you would...
§  Who would you rather...
§  Where do you think…
¡ Interesting answers to boring questions.

¡  See the difference:
§  What do you do? “I’m a lawyer” versus “I do homework and imitate
Atticus Finch for a living.”
¡  Other questions you can spice up?
§  Where are you from?
§  Where did you go to school?
§  How was your weekend?
§  What’s your favorite hobby?
§  Do you have siblings?
¡ Introducing people in entertaining ways.

¡  Bring up interesting accomplishments, experiences, or facets
of their personality to instantly kick a new conversation off.
¡  “This is Lindsey, last year she almost died climbing Mt.
Whitney.”
¡  “This is Rob. One of Rob’s hobbies is to collect stamps of
dead people.”
¡  “Have you met Joe? You two share something in common,
you’ve both cross-dressed as women for Halloween.”
¡  “This is Wendy. Wendy’s dog has a penchant for pooping on
her shoes.”
¡ Analogies
¡  Have go-to analogies you know well to adapt to fit any
situation – be descriptive and appear insightful.
¡  “This reminds me of baseball…”
¡  Topic: Skiing – “That steep slope is just like a baseball
fastball.”
¡  Topic: Disney movies – “It seems like the batting
averages of Disney villains is .000.”
¡  Topic: Tom Cruise – Tom is like a curveball, isn’t he?
Seems normal at first...”
¡  Remember, clever wit is finding connections between
unrelated topics.
¡ “Personality” questions
¡  A personality question is seemingly random and
unrelated, but gives you deep insight into someone’s
worldview.
¡  It has to be easy to answer, relatable, and you have to
have an answer too (sometimes to give them time to
think).
¡  The best ones are contextual.
¡  What was your childhood dream job?
¡  What could you eat and never get sick of?
¡  Cats or dogs?
¡ Pop culture and current events

¡  Do your research! What is going on in the world?
§  It takes 5 minutes each morning.
¡  Develop a quick opinion on it, and if possible, ascertain an
obscure fact about the current event topics so you always have
something to add.
¡  What does this sound like?
§  Have you heard that…
§  I read somewhere that...
§  Can you believe that...
§  Did you know that…
¡  Create self-amusement and entertainment for everyone.

¡  Ditch the judgment and assumptions and speak like
children.
¡  Not thinking outside the box and adhering to what you think
a conversation “should” look like.
¡  Being too self-conscious to say what you want.
¡  An unfounded fear of judgment.
¡  Actively trying to be vanilla and fit in versus playing to win.
¡  An arbitrary view of what’s okay and appropriate.
¡  Doing this too much. You need a balance between
entertainment and substance.
CONVERSATION
Module
TACTICS: NINE
BAD CONVERSATIONAL
HABITS
M9: BAD CONVERSATIONAL HABITS
¡  Habits are actions that we do instinctually or reflexively and

not completely consciously.
¡  We have habits of: biting nails, swearing, binge-eating…
¡  We all have conversational habits – some are good, some are
terrible.
§  Good: Using details in answers, being curious, being present.
¡  No matter what you have to say or how much value you bring,
if you can’t control your habits, people won’t like you.
¡  Taking care of your bad conversational habits will make it
more difficult for people to find fault with you, make you
more likable, and focus on the value that you bring.
¡  You may not have identified them as bad or negative, but

they will stall a conversation and leave a nasty taste in
people’s mouths.
¡  Sometimes it’s good enough to just eliminate the bad.
¡  What conversational habits should you eliminate?
§  Debating and arguing, especially taste and opinion.
§  Using judgmental language.
§  Always laughing first.
§  Knowing when to listen and when to contribute.
§  Being a pedant.
§  Overstaying your welcome.
§  Answering literally.
§  Not first acknowledging.
§  Hijacking or monopolizing the conversation.
¡ Debating and arguing, especially taste and

opinion.
¡  Being overly argumentative and debating someone for their
stance… are you a member of the Belief Police?
¡  Conversation is not about being right.
¡  Accept a stance you don’t like and move on in most cases.
¡  Worse is if you decry someone’s taste or opinion
§  “You like Forrest Gump? That movie was terrible. Here’s why…”
§  “You don’t like Indian food? What’s wrong with you? Let me tell
you...”
¡  The fix: Accept and inquire.
¡ Using judgmental language.

¡  When someone expresses an opinion and you use language
to make them feel wrong, stupid, or small.
¡  Everything is black and white – your way or the highway.
¡  This makes it impossible for them to be vulnerable around
you, as you haven’t created a safe space.
¡  They’ll feel attacked, judged, and thus defensive.
¡  “Ugh, your taste is so bad if you like that.”
¡  “Seriously, that’s the wall décor of a blind teenager.”
¡  The fix: Use euphemisms or comment neutrally.
¡ Always laughing first.

¡  Laughing first is imposing your will on your conversation
partner.
¡  Imagine how you react when someone does this constantly.
§  And then they keep doing it.
§  Your face will get sore from fake smiling, and you’ll start to feel like
a hostage.
¡  Holding back allows you to gauge people’s reaction instead
of forcing yours on them.
¡  Allow people the space and lack of pressure to express
themselves as they wish.
¡  The fix: Stop laughing first and try deadpanning more.
¡ Knowing when to listen and not give unsolicited

advice.
¡  Often when people are complaining, they just want you to
agree with them and validate their feelings.
§  Refrain from giving unsolicited advice, or at least ask if they want
advice first.
§  People usually know the solution, they just want an emotional
catharsis.
¡  Err on the side of sympathizing and tracking their emotional
state.
¡  Solutions don’t validate feelings.
¡  The fix: Listen first and reflect emotions before offering
advice, if at all.
¡ Being a pedant and having to be right.

¡  A pedant feels the need to correct every little detail,
especially ones that aren’t important.
¡  “Actually…!”
¡  They do it out of insecurity and need for validation.
¡  Completely disrupts the flow of a conversation and steals
attention.
¡  “Actually… the bottle of wine was from 1969, not 1970.”
§  (looks around smugly)
¡  The fix: Ask yourself “Does this really matter? What’s the
main point and why am I bringing this up?”
¡ Overstaying your welcome.

¡  No matter how great of a conversationalist you are, not
everyone will love you all the time.
¡  It’s important to recognize signs that you are overstaying
your welcome and should eject, otherwise you will quickly
become “that guy/girl.”
¡  Signs include: eyes looking behind you, body not facing you,
one-word answers, tired and slumping body language, quickly
fading fake smiles.
¡  Learn to be observant and take a hint. People won’t outright
tell you to leave or shut up.
¡  The fix: Observe, observe, observe.
¡ Answering literally.
¡  As covered earlier, people will ask you questions that they
don’t care about. You don’t either.
¡  Knowing this, you should take the opportunity to re-direct the
question to something interesting and not literal.
§  “How was your day?” “Fine.”
§  “How was your day?” “Boring, but this upcoming weekend I’m going
to a huge BBQ with live chickens and cows.”
¡  The fix: Catalog interesting parts of your week in mini-stories
so you’re not forced to answer literally.
¡ Not first acknowledging.

¡  It’s very easy to tell when someone isn’t listening to you and
are just waiting for their turn to speak.
¡  After you’ve finished speaking, they won’t acknowledge
anything you say, and just carry on with their piece.
§  Especially if you start speaking at the same time and you already
know the beginning of their statement.
¡  A conversation is a collaboration, so first acknowledge what
they said and build off it whether you agree or not.
§  Restrain yourself and ditch your own thoughts.
¡  The fix: If you agree, build directly. If you disagree, at least
say “Good point, I hadn’t thought about that, but…”
¡ Hijacking the conversation.

¡  This is when you are essentially a conversation narcissist.
¡  Every statement, question, or story someone else makes, you
relate that back to a statement, question, or story about
yourself.
§  Not everything you say is gold.
¡  Reeks of insecurity and overcompensation (and lack of self-
awareness).
¡  People enjoy sharing and feel shafted and empty if they don’t
have the opportunity to.
¡  The fix: Be curious about others, ask 10x more questions,
and let them shine.
¡ How can I catch and address these?

¡  Present them to an honest friend and ask for honest
feedback.
¡  Visualize normal conversations from your workday and see
how they typically play out.
¡  Focus on catching 1-2 bad habits at a time.
¡  Ask if you approach your conversations from a place of:
§  Insecurity
§  Feeling inadequate
§  A need to show your intelligence
§  A general fear of judgment and rejection.
¡  Everything in this module!

¡  Not being completely objective in your behavior.
¡  Not admitting that you do have blind spots and flaws.
CONVERSATION Module
TACTICS: TEN
HOW TO WITTY BANTER
M10: HOW TO WITT Y BANTER
¡ Witty banter is the ultimate goal.

¡  What is witty banter, exactly?
§  How to always have not only an answer for everything, but an
answer that is disarming, clever, smart, and funny.
§  Somewhat abstract.
¡  It is a trainable skill. Look at comedians and improv teams.
¡  What are the main elements of witty banter?
§  Thinking outside the box.
§  Making the familiar new.
§  Playing.
§  Going with the flow.
§  Taking whatever comes your way.
¡ Common witty banter techniques.

§ Sarcasm
§ Self deprecation
§ Amplifying
§ Instigating
§ Role play
¡ Sarcasm - when you say or imply the opposite of:

§  What you feel
§  An observation
§  An apparent truth
¡  Humorous and witty because it implies an ability to dissect and
analyze a situation.
§  It begins raining: “I’m really glad the I’m going to get a tan today.”
§  A taxi drives quickly: “Better call ahead and let them know we will be
late.”
¡  How do you use this in conversation? Two steps.
§  State the current situation, feeling, or truth in plain terms.
§  “It is very cold today”
§  State a consequence that occurs when the opposite is true.
§  “Good thing our air conditioning works.”
¡ Homework: Apply the two steps to the following

situations:
§  Brr, it’s freezing today!
§  The traffic is so bad this hour.
§  I have so many emails right now.
§  I can’t wait for this day to end, I’m so tired.
§  My jacket is so thin.
§  “I’m so hungry that I could eat… you.”
§  [A car zooms by, nearly hitting you]
§  [Your friend runs up to you as fast as possible, panting]
§  [Someone yells loudly at you and your friend]
§  [Server hands you a plate of very cold fries]
¡  I’m so tired –> I feel like I could run a marathon right now!
¡ Self-deprecation
¡  Self-deprecation is when you poke fun at yourself instead
of deflecting or getting defensive.
¡  This shows security, comfort with vulnerability, the ability
to take a joke.
¡  If you don’t appear comfortable with yourself, others will
be uncomfortable – what if you were sensitive about your
weight?
¡ Self-deprecation: How do you use it in conversation?

¡  Break down what is said and state it in plain terms.
§  “Someone is saying that I am bad with directions.”
¡  Continue down that line of thinking, and amplify the
sentiment to the point of absurdity.
§  Bad with maps: “That’s true, even my directions need directions.”
§  Bad with maps: “What are you talking about, we’re just taking the
scenic route every time.”
¡  Make a statement about yourself as if you were really that
terrible, and you were serious about it. What would you say?
¡ A mplifying
¡  Amplifying is when you take a sentiment and exaggerate it
and take it to the absurd, directly, indirectly, or through
implication.
§ Be hyperbolic, ridiculous, and vividly descriptive
¡  Regardless if someone makes a joke, stay in the joke and
amplify it.
¡  If someone makes a “normal” statement, misconstrue it to
start a joke.
¡  Take it to the logical conclusion – continue until someone
breaks.
¡  Back and forth zingers = witty banter.
¡ Amplifying
¡ “Normal” statement that you misconstrue.
§  That’s a great shirt.
§  Thanks, I think this is a child size. (misconstrue)
§  Is it? I was going to comment that it was designed for kids, not kid-
sized. (misconstrue and start joke)
§  I think it’s both. It’s what happens when you child slave labor
clothing. (amplify)
§  You don’t have to tell me. Look at the amazing stitching on my shirt
– only tiny fingers can do that. (amplify)
§  Amazing. Mine can only work for 5 hours straight. I’m doing
something wrong. (amplify)
¡  To see how this plays out with a joke, just skip the first line
and make the second line “That looks like a child sized shirt”
¡ Homework: Write out the conversations that will

be amplified from these statements.
§  The football is too flat.
§  Henry is the worst at directions.
§  Your favorite music group is Nickelback?
§  Those shoes must be 100 years old.
§  I couldn’t sleep at all last night.
¡  Train your mind to think in different and creative ways.
¡ I nstigating
§ IE making a big deal out of nothing in a joking way
¡ “You ordered a ham sandwich? Excuse me, I need to
find a wastebasket.
¡ “You hate cats? Do you have a heart or just an
empty tin can in that space?”
¡ Disagree in an exaggerated way with their actions,
thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
§ “You like dogs, right? Ugh, dogs are the worst.”
¡ Use a playful smile or smirk so the tone is clear.
¡ Stun them momentarily and then bring them back to
reality.
¡ Role Play – similar feel to amplification

¡  When you to create a fictional and joking scenario that gives you both
roles, and stay in the roles (if they take it).
¡  It star ts by putting labels on each par ty.
¡  Easiest way: make the label flow from a compliment.
¡  “Alright, from now on, you’re going to be my per sonal navigator and GPS.”
§  “Sounds good to me!”
§  “Excellent. You’re going to need a metal hat.
¡  “I give you the title of math professor.”
§  “Thanks!”
§  “I’ll bring over your uniform later. What size are you?”
§  “Small!”
§  “Okay, now we need to think about your title. How do you feel about Math
Wizard?”
¡  “ You’re going to be my food taster at meals.”
§  “I accept humbly.”
§  “We’ll start with vegetables only, though. Is that okay with you?
¡  (1) Label via compliment, (2) stay in the role

¡  Being too serious.

¡  Answering linearly.
¡  Taking everything at face value.
¡  Thinking inside the box.
¡  Not taking the opportunities that are given.
CONVERSATION
Bonus
TACTICS: Module
DEALING WITH
CONFLICT
BONUS: DEALING WITH CONFLICT
¡ Conflict is a fact of everyday life.

¡  If it’s not in yours, it means you are avoiding it or not facing
it.
¡  How much will you let avoidance and fear dictate your
actions?
¡  If you don’t find a way to either rectify a situation or outlet
your emotions, the tension will leak out as passive
aggressive behavior and you will eventually blow up.
¡ What are the best ways to deal with conflict?

¡  ACTUALLY DEAL WITH IT!
¡  The more you run from it, the bigger it grows, and the more
dreadful it becomes.
¡  Oh, it will be awkward… at first.
¡  But it’s healthy and good for you a person, outside of the
situation at hand.
§  Being able to deal with the feeling of tension will take you places.
¡ You have to do the work before you launch into

confrontation.
§  But don’t fall into the mistake of continually planning to avoid it.
¡ Find the third story.
¡  There’s your story, there’s the other person’s story, and the
third story – the objective truth the way an un-invested
bystander would call it.
¡  Analyze the causal effects of each party’s actions.
¡  Assume a bit of reasonableness and logic on the other
person.
§  What did I do that caused them to do this?
§  Assume at least part of the fault/blame.
§  Logical and emotional spectrums.
¡ Separate intent and impact.

§  Impact is the damage, intent is the mindset.
§  Most people operate on impact and can’t emotionally separate.
§  Getting them confused can make you think everyone is an
asshole.
§  Assume good, or at least neutral intentions.
§  At worst, assume obliviousness over malice!
¡  Clarify directly:
§  “I know you didn’t mean it that way, did you?”
§  “What was the purpose or intent behind that?”
¡ Speaking with tact and softening your impact.

¡  There is no perfect line that will at once deliver your harsh
message but uplift their self-esteem
§  But you can avoid devastating lines and soften the impact.
¡  Focus on the impact on YOU, not their actions.
§  What happened to ME, not what YOU did.
¡  Put kind words in their mouth “I know you didn’t mean to,
and I know you were really tired, and I know…”
¡  Listen more, talk less.
¡  Criticism sandwich.
¡  Stick to only facts and don’t use conjecture.
¡  Use the bare minimum – what’s your purpose, and has it
been fulfilled or are you indulging yourself?
¡ Be solution-oriented.
¡  Don’t focus on what IS/WAS, focus on what CAN BE.
§  How can you make sure that the same situation doesn’t happen
again?
¡  Problem-orientation vs. solution-orientation
§  “This problem sucks!” vs. “How do we solve this problem?”
§  Action over inaction.
§  Running on your hamster wheel.
¡  Come to the conflict knowing the ideal resolution you want.
§  And then the realistic one (compromise).
¡  Envision the other party’s main desires as well.
§  They may not be what you think!
§  Secondary vs. Primary - you may be able to compromise if you aren’t
after the same pie.
¡ Create safety.
¡  Conflicts are about unraveling mysteries. And to do that,
people need to share and be vulnerable about what they
want.
¡  And to do that, they must feel safe.
§  Would you want to open up to someone who makes a face and
shames you for X or Y?
¡  The two best ways to create safety.
§  Airtight reactions: do not be outwardly affected, and attempt to act
out of curiosity, inquiry, and concern.
§  Divulge first: make yourself vulnerable and set the tone.
¡ The five phases of a difficult conversation.

¡  (1) Break the ice: there’s no perfect moment because you
will impact them regardless. There are, however, bad
moments. Pick your battles.
¡  (2) Your issues: Separate intent from impact, focus on the
consequences to you, use tact, and shut up when you’re
done.
¡  (3) Their response: Claim the blame, emotionally and
logically validate, and just listen and don’t interrupt.
¡  (4) Third story: Work together, be Sherlock Holmes, and try to
track the path of misunderstanding.
¡  (5) Solutions: What do each of us want, and how can we each
get our pie?
¡  (1) Break the ice: “Hey, can we talk? The dishes are out of
control.”
¡  (2) Your issues: “I don’t know you mean to do this, but it’s
really affecting my ability to cook and that gives me anxiety
and stress from eating out.”
¡  (3) Their response: “It’s probably my fault too because I
didn’t let you know how I felt and I am stressed from long
hours at work so I was a little passive aggressive to you
¡  (4) Third story: “So what happened? I think what really
happened here was that I was stressed, didn’t express
myself, which didn’t allow you to know how I felt, and caused
you to pile the dishes up.”
¡  (5) Solutions: “What should we do now? I just want more
space and it seems like you hate doing dishes, so…”
¡ Rookie mistakes:
¡  Confusing impact and intent.

¡  Any assumptions.
¡  Judging involuntarily.
¡  Not admitting any fault at all.
¡  Not validating.
¡  Seeing it as a head-to-head competition instead of a
collaboration.
CONVERSATION
Bonus
TACTICS: Module
INSTANTLY BUILD
RAPPORT
BONUS: INSTANTLY BUILD RAPPORT
¡  Some bonus tips that you can use immediately, today,

tonight, to create engaging conversations.
¡  Rapport time!
§  Conversation threading
§  Asking for stories not answers
§  Use details and leave hooks
§  Interrupting as a secret weapon
§  Introvert tips
¡ Conversation threading (or tangents).

¡  No matter what you think, most conversations go nowhere
because you fail to pick up on what’s right in front of your
face.
¡  You don’t need to add anything new, you are just using what
they gave you. There’s always something!
¡  “My weekend was good.”
§  What was good about it, what made it good, why was it good, etc…
¡  “I went hiking with my brother over the long weekend.” (3)
¡  “I love coffee, especially blends from Colombia and
Brazil.” (3)
¡  “Last time I played baseball, I tripped and split my knee.”(3)
¡  “We went to dinner at a Chinese place and watched a
movie.” (3)
¡ Asking for stories not answers.

¡  Make conversation easy for others, and thus easier for yourself
to build rapport and connect personally.
¡  It’s what sideline reporters do subtly and job inter viewers do.
§  “Kobe, tell me about how you guys shared the ball and won this game.”
§  “Can you tell me about a time where you solved conflict at work?”
¡  So how can you do this?
§  Set parameters and ask what happened.
§  Ask more about the “how” and “why”
§  Ask them to tell you about it.
§  “Tell me about your weekend.”
§  “How did you end up at that restaurant last night?”
§  “Can I just ask why you keep getting that hot dog?”
¡  If all else fails, just ask 3-4 questions instead of 1 .
¡ Use details and leave hooks.

¡  This is another step in making conversation with you easy for
others.
¡  Just like you feel frustration when people give one-word
answers or don’t give you anything to work from, you might be
doing the same!
¡  Are you sabotaging your own conversations?
¡ So whenever possible:
¡  No one-word answers.
¡  Use at least a couple of specific details – no generalities!
§  “My weekend was good. I watched golf all day and then had the best
Chinese food.”
¡  Leave hooks when appropriate – things for people to ask about
that you are ready to talk about.
§  “No, my weekend was decent. We just got a speedboat.”
¡ Interrupting as a secret weapon.

¡  Interrupting can be incredibly rude when you do it wrong,
which is most people, most of the time.
¡  Interrupting, when used selectively and correctly, can serve
to strengthen a connection and create an emotional bond.
¡  How do you interrupt correctly?
§  To agree, emphasize, exaggerate, or finish their sentence together.
§  Usually used when someone else is expressing a stance or opinion.
¡  “That coffee is so – “ “IT’S SO GOOD, RIGHT?”
¡  “I can’t stand baseball –” “It’s so boring!”
¡  “Can you believe that guy? He was-” “He was such an ass!”
¡ I ntrovert tips.

¡  As you may be aware, introverts aren’t inherently socially
awkward.
¡  They are just as socially competent as society’s extrovert
ideal, they just tire of social situations more easily and need
time to recharge.
¡  How do you feel after a long day of hanging out and
chatting? Would you be highly motivated to go out that
night?
§  If no, you’re more introverted. If yes, you’re more extroverted.
§  An introvert is someone who’s social battery needs to be recharged
by themselves.
¡  There are many ways to take advantage of the fact that you
are more introverted
§  You don’t have to be an introvert to benefit from these tips.
¡ I ntrovert tips.

¡  Social goals
§  It can be invigorating to create a social goal, or other goal, to make
social interaction feel more meaningful and important.
§  For example, making a game to find out where everyone is from of
playing 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Or being in charge of the drinks.
§  Take the focus off social interaction for interaction’s sake and trick
yourself.
¡  Diagnose what drains your energy and where you thrive
§  Where do you feel “Ugh” going, and what kind of social situations
make you actually excited?
§  Smaller groups, quieter venues, activity-based, types of people?
¡  Know your comfort zone in bigger groups
§  You won’t be at the center of the room… but you can be on the
outskirts!
¡ Introvert tips.
¡  Standof fish?
§  You’ve probably been told “Smile more!” “Why are you so tired?” or “Are
you okay” when you’re just being normal.
§  It’s because your face is like this à
§  You need to pass The Mirror Test.
§  What message are you conveying unintentionally?
¡  Recharge your social batter y strategically
§  If you know you’re going to expend major social energy, bookend it with
private, recharging time.
§  You can also do this DURING a social even.
¡  Low -batter y conversations
§  How do you engage when your social battery is done? Ask why, how,
where, when, and make a game of getting them to talk as much as
possible.
§  All you really need is occasional eye contact, nodding, and questions.
CONVERSATION
Bonus
TACTICS: Module
GET DEEP
QUICKLY
BONUS: GET DEEP QUICKLY
¡ S o you want to get deep and intimate quickly

and completely blow away interview mode?
¡ A fter all, that’s why we all hate small talk,

right?
¡ B ut regardless if you get past it, sometimes

people have their own mental blocks.
§ “ I can’t” “I won’t” It’s wrong”
¡ H ow can you get rid of those and GET DEEP

FAST?
¡ T he Thought Experiment

¡ The Thought Experiment.
¡ If you do it right, people will eat it up and go

wherever you direct them
¡ Usually a type of hypothetical… but what’s

different?
¡ You eliminate the mental boundaries and make

it easy for them to say YES and entertain the
thought.
¡ Normal hypothetical: “Would you ever steal a

car?”
§ People might feel social pressure to answer this a
certain way.
§ “No way!”
¡ Eliminate boundaries:
¡ “What if you were starving, a tsunami wave was

coming, no one would ever find out, and there
would be no repercussions?”
¡ You’ll get a very different answer.

¡ D eeper hypothetical: “Would you kill a human

to defend your pet?”
¡ E liminate boundaries:
¡ “ If it was a criminal, if you were in the right,

if there would be no repercussions, if you
were doing society a favor?”
¡  Full version:
¡  So I heard something interesting the other day and want

to try this thought experiment. So try not to take
anything external into account, it’s just a question of
what you would do in a vacuum.
¡  Do you think you’d be able to kill a human to save your

pet… if it was a criminal, if you were in the right, if there
would be no repercussions, if you were doing society a
favor? And if they were going to die anyway of a
disease?
¡  What do you think? What would happen? Would you be

able to do it?
¡  The Thought Experiment allows you to ask very personal

and intimate (and even taboo) questions because you
are setting boundaries on the question.
¡  Strips away societal expectations and allows them to

answer in a true way.
¡  Eliminates people’s fear of judgment or massive filters.

Discuss the moral dilemmas, instead of getting stuck on
them.
¡  Lets you get into very interesting areas of discussion

because you’re discussing a concept, not their actions.
You’ve separated them with multiple disclaimers.
CONVERSATION
TACTICS: Training
TOP 3 WAYS TO Video
#1
AVOID
AWKWARD
SILENCES
CONVERSATION TACTICS:
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  Welcome to the FIRST video in your 3-video series on
Conversation Tactics!
¡  I’m Patrick King – Social Interaction Specialist, Social Skills

and Conversation Coach, and Bestselling Author
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  What is this video training series?
¡  It’s my way of reaching as many people as possible, and

creating better conversationalists out of us all.
¡  This is video #1, where you will learn to avoid and expertly
deal with awkward silences.
¡  Video #2 will be about making great first impressions, and
video #3 will be about always knowing what to say.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  This training series is for you if:
§  You want to get better with people and have the feeling of
conversational chemistry - every conversation.
§  You want more social confidence.
§  You want to connect with people better and more quickly.
¡  Awkward silences are a huge part of that. They derail

conversations, make people uncomfortable, and signal to
others that you can’t handle yourself socially.
¡  They make you a person that people are not excited to engage
with.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  Who is Patrick King?

§  Social Interaction Specialist
§  Social Skills and Conversation Coach
§  Internationally Bestselling Author
¡  Former dating coach

¡  Former corporate lawyer
¡  And above all else… late bloomer!
¡  Greasy Crowbar Proponent

NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  Awkward silences suck.
¡  “So.. Um… how about the weather/traffic?”
¡  We can do better...
¡  But it’s our responsibility.

NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  So how can you speak with no awkward silences?
¡  First, you have to realize why awkward silences occur.

¡  They occur because both parties have have come to a
standstill.
¡  No matter what preceded it, a statement has been made that
(1) doesn’t beg an answer, (2) doesn’t even have an answer
and is just an acknowledgement, or (3) has no substance.
¡  Nothing is moving the conversation forward at that point – so
you have to do it and add something.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡ The top three ways to avoid awkward silences
(finally!)
¡  One: Curiosity
¡  Two: Have a fallback story
¡  Three: Free association

NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡ F irst way: Curiosity
¡  WWJD – WWCD – WWJLD?

¡  How does a talk show host act?
¡  They care. They’re present. They react. They listen.
¡  They show intense interest and curiosity.
¡  Their default is to ask questions and dig deep.
¡  If you can view your conversation partner as extremely

interesting, questions will flow naturally.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  What does this mean for you?
¡  Your default when you sense an awkward silence should be to

ask a question about them and embody intense curiosity.
¡  Key phrases:
§  Wait, you said you [xxx]…?
§  Where did you say you [xxx]...?
§  Okay, so tell me about how [xxx]...?
¡  You can also just ask for more clarification on the last thing
they said.
¡  Ask more about feelings and emotions, not about logistics.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡ Second way: Have a fallback story
¡  What is a fallback stor y?
§  “So today I read…”
§  “I just heard from a friend…”
§  “Did you hear...”
§  “Did you know...”
§  “What would you do if...”
¡  A fallback stor y is a completely new and interesting topic you introduce to
avoid any potential awkward silence.
¡  The impor tant par t is ending with an invitation for discussion and thoughts.
Relateability is the most impor tant par t of a fallback stor y because that is
how you introduce a new topic of conver sation.
¡  You can use current events, random and obscure facts, funny happenings,
situational questions – anything that has a stor y that leads to a discussion.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  The best part about a fallback story?
¡  You can prepare beforehand!
¡  This means you can go into conversations without feeling like

you’re winging all of it, with a crutch to fall back on.
¡  Make sure you have an opinion on what you’re bringing up so

you can foster an interesting discussion on it.
¡  A fallback story is best when conveyed spontaneously and

genuinely with curiosity and interest in the other person’s
opinion.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  The four components of a fallback story (they get easier when
you understand them!)
¡  The bridging sentence – “I just read that…”
¡  The story – try to think of the primary emotion you want to
convey and reduce the story to one sentence, so you can filter
for what’s useful and what is not.
¡  Your opinion – makes it more easy for people to share after
you do it first
¡  Their opinion or stance in multiple ways – ask at least 3
similar questions to give people something they resonate with.
You can watch their faces for a hint of recognition when you
ask a good question.
§  RELATEABLE.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡ Fallback stories
§  So I was reading an article the other day…
§  (Emotion is hilarity) And it was about how a man sued his wife after his
children turned out extremely ugly. Apparently it’s allowed in China, and
it turns out the wife had extensive plastic surgery.
§  I’m on board! I would feel so lied to. What if I married her over someone I
loved more so my children could have a better chance in life?
§  So, crazy right? Would you feel lied to, or like she cheated on you? Or
would you need to look at someone’s childhood pictures before you
marry them? Do you think this could happen in the US?
¡  Practice tips
§  Looks for news headlines
§  Interpersonal situations work great because everyone has them.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡ S urprise third way: Free Association!
¡ How does this even relate to conversation?

¡ If you think about it… conversation is a simple
structure. For any statement, you either reply on that
same topic or shift to a related topic.
¡ When we have awkward silence, we have nothing to
say on that topic, and we can’t think of a new one!
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡ Free association
§  Blurt out 5 things that come to mind when you hear “cat”
§  No filters, no thinking, no hesitating, as fast as possible
¡  Easy start: Take 3 topics and free associate 1 topic.

§  Movies, Tom Cruise, Guitars
¡  More similar to real conversation: Get 1 topic, and then free

associate 3.
§  Someone mentions skiing
¡  Snow, winter, snowboarding, Olympics, falling, sports, hobbies,
injuries
¡  See how easily free association can prevent awkward silences?

All are instant conversation topics.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  Those are my THREE best ways to avoid and deal with awkward
silences!
¡  What did we learn?
¡  Awkward silence occurs because both parties allow it to by

adding nothing for the other party to use.
¡  ONE. Being curious and acting like Jay Leno, David Letterman,
and Conan O’Brien combined.
¡  T WO. Having fallback stories.
¡  THREE. The power of free association.

NO AWKWARD SILENCES
¡  For video #2…
¡  You’ll learn how to make a great first impression on anyone

you meet.
¡  Incredibly important because that impression will determine

how someone views each one of your actions, and whether
they give you the benefit of the doubt or not.
¡  Until next time...
¡  Patrick King, Patrick King Consulting (.com)

CONVERSATION Training
TACTICS: Video
#2
GREAT FIRST
IMPRESSIONS
GREAT FIRST IMPRESSIONS
¡  Welcome to the SECOND video in your 3-video series on

and Conversation Coach, and Internationally Bestselling
Author

¡  Video #1 you learned to avoid and expertly deal with awkward

silences.
¡  Video #2 will be about making great first impressions.
¡  Video #3 will be about always knowing what to say.
§  You feel a certain amount of anxiety surrounding the unpredictability
of conversation.
§  You want to connect with people better, more quickly.
¡  Making a great impression is so key in conversation and

connecting with people. It determines whether people will
even care about you, and be open to you.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES



¡  So what makes a great first impression?
¡  There are many things, ranging from your body language,

facial expressions, micro-expressions, eye contact, familiarity
and comfort, what you say, how you say it, etc.
¡  Let’s focus on 2 aspects: eye contact and what you say.
¡  This is a great bang-for-buck way to improve your first

impressions on strangers.
¡  Eye contact
¡  You don’t have to be wonderful at eye contact, but you can’t

be bad at it.
¡  The key is getting comfortable with the tension that sustained

eye contact creates.
¡  How can you build up your tension tolerance?

¡  Sunglasses and sidewalks exercise
¡  Sit stationar y facing a sidewalk with foot traf fic. Wear

sunglasses. Stare into people’s eyes as they walk by.
¡  Get exposure and feel the tension but in a safe way.
¡  They may or may not look at you, but if they do, they’ll only do it
for a split second.
¡  Soon you’ll be able to do it without sunglasses and feel more

comfortable.
¡  Not sunny enough for sunglasses outside? Sit in a brightly lit

indoors and use them, like a shopping mall.
¡  Once you’re more comfortable with eye contact, the next step
is knowing how to use it.
¡  Two parts to this: how to gaze versus stare, and how much to
use.
§  Staring: television news anchors
§  Gazing: how would you look at a baby or puppy? Eyebrows raised, soft
eyes.
¡  Amount: When they’re speaking, give eye contact 80% of the

time, and when you’re speaking, give it 50% of the time.
¡  What can you SAY to make a great first impression every
time?
¡  Search for commonalities.
¡  The more familiar something is, the more comfortable we are

with it instinctually.
¡  Find commonalities and you will instantly be seen as familiar

and likable.
¡  How do you find commonalities? Two ways.
¡  Share about yourself with specific details, and ask about them
with specific details.
¡  Don’t just exchange “Good, how about yous?”
¡  Feelings and emotions are easier to have in common than

background and education.
¡  And if you can’t organically find a commonality to dig into?

¡  Method two: Make an educated guess – a “cold read”
¡  State a stance for them that is (1) general and can’t be

disagreed with, or (2) a read on their character
¡  “You seem like the type of person that [xxx]…

§  Likes puppies, likes to be outdoors, is into fitness, hates country
music,
§  Person walks in with fur and dirt all over their shoes – “You must
have a furbaby that you treat like a human child.”
¡  Hey, me too!
¡  And those are two main ways to make sure that you can make
a great first impression every time.
¡  What will you learn in video #3?
¡  How to always know what to say… and never run out of things
to say.
¡  Until next time...
¡  Patrick King, Patrick King Consulting (.com)

CONVERSATION Training
TACTICS: Video
#3
ALWAYS KNOW
WHAT TO SAY
ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY
¡  Welcome to the THIRD video in your 3-video series on

Coach, and Internationally Bestselling Author

¡  Video #1 you learned to avoid and expertly deal with awkward

silences.
¡  Video #2 you learned about making great first impressions.
¡  Video #3 will be about always knowing what to say.
§  You feel a certain amount of anxiety surrounding the unpredictability
of conversation.
§  You want to connect with people better, more quickly.
¡  Always knowing what to say? This gives you an incredible

sense of social confidence and lets every conversation flow
effortlessly – or at least seem like it.
¡  This is conversational chemistry and charisma.
NO AWKWARD SILENCES



¡  So how can you always know what to say and NEVER run out of
things to say?
¡  Two simple acronyms.
¡  HPM and SBR
¡  A variety of approaches works best so you can find whatever

resonates best with you.
¡  You might come up with HBM, for example.

¡  HPM – History, Philosophy, Metaphor
¡  Everyone has these, so they are easy to draw on.
¡  History: personal experience on a topic.

§  “That reminds me of when I…”
§  “Last time I...”
§  “When I do that...”
¡  Bring the topic back to you and relate a story about the topic
at hand.
¡  What has your exposure, experience, or encounter with a topic
been?
¡  Philosophy: personal opinion, stance, thoughts, and values

regarding a topic
§  “I love that, because…”
§  “Those are my favorite, because...”
§  “I don’t know how I feel about that…”
¡  You are voicing your opinion on how you feel about a certain
topic in a way that engenders discussion.
¡  Do you have strong feelings either way on the topic?
¡  Metaphor: what a topic reminds you of or makes you think of

§  “That reminds me of how [coffee is made]…”
§  “That makes me think of...”
§  “Isn’t that similar/the opposite of how...”
§  You are comparing the topic to another topic and explaining the link.
§  Is there a clever or fitting comparison to be made, or do you just want
to switch topics?
§  Quick free association exercise: What does the word “cat” make you
think of?
¡  SBR – Specific, Broad, and Related
¡  HPM draws more from internal thoughts, SBR draws more

from external influences.
¡  In other words, HPM makes you think, while SBR lets you just
react to what’s in front of you.
¡  So it doesn’t matter if you “have” this or have to search for it,

you can just inquire about the topic at hand in a specific way
with SBR.
¡  Specific: Get deeper into a topic or focus on a particular part

of it.
§  “Can you explain this part to me…”
§  “What about that part specifically...”
§  “And then what happened…”
¡  You take on the mindset of wanting to know more of the nitty

gritty details
¡  What would you ask if you were extremely curious?
¡  Broad – you take a step back and ask about the topic in a
more general sense.
§  “Wait, when did this all happen…”
§  “What was the background behind all of this...”
§  “Take a step back and start from the beginning...”
¡  You ask about the general details, setup, and context.
¡  Related – you switch topics to a topic that is tangentially

related to the one at hand.
§  “That reminds me of…”
§  “I think this is similar to...”
§  “Isn’t this more like...”
¡  This is when you want to switch topics, much like the
Metaphor part of HPM.
¡  Just another way to respond: transfer an aspect of the topic
into a different topic so you aren’t stuck on one topic.
¡  Acronyms combined: you now have 6 ways to NEVER run out of
things to say.
¡  Mix and match.
¡  What works best for you? HBR? Train them and you’ll quickly
see which approaches make the most sense in your head.
¡  I hope you enjoyed this training series on Conversation

Tactics!
¡  If you want something a lot more in-depth, detailed, and

covering every aspect of conversation from beginning to end,
humor to witty comebacks, to difficult confrontations to
breaking the ice… keep your eyes peeled on your inbox!

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CONVERSATION Module

¡ Social confidence is the mindset to achieve and aim for

¡ Most of us carry the wrong mindset towards conversation

¡ A rbitrary assumptions and limiting

¡ R egardless of how you feel, it’s important

¡ T hey are negative self-talk based on

¡ We assume perfectionism is (1) possible, and (2) preferable

¡ When you don’t have social confidence…

¡ But what are the realistic consequences?

¡ Create a Confidence Resume full of Confidence Anchors. Keep it

¡ So what’s the correct mindset for optimal

¡ C uriosity – WWJD (or WWCD)

¡ E ntertainment: people engage in

¡ Being driven by assumptions and fears – and not questioning

¡ Great conversationalists do their work

¡ Energy and alertness

¡ " T h i s f o r e s t i s p e r f e c t l y d e l i g h t f u l , " d e c l a r e d t h e L i o n , l o o k i n g a r o u n d h i m w i t h j oy.

¡ " I t s e e m s g l o o my, " s a i d t h e S c a r e c r o w

¡ " N o t a b i t o f i t , " a n s w e r e d t h e L i o n . " I s h o u l d l i ke t o l i v e h e r e a l l my l i f e . S e e h o w s o f t

¡ " P e r h a p s t h e r e a r e w i l d b e a s t s i n t h e f o r e s t n o w, " s a i d D o r o t hy.

¡ " I s u p p o s e t h e r e a r e , " r e t u r n e d t h e L i o n , " b u t I d o n o t s e e a ny o f t h e m a b o u t . ”

¡ Energy and alertness

¡ Always knowing what to say

¡ People just want to hear something interesting, so give it to

¡ M ine? Will Smith

¡ Relying on “winging it” and warming up during the

¡ First impressions are important.

¡ Step 1: The Mirror Test

¡ Homework: Perform the mirror test before you leave the

¡ Step 2: Assume Familiarity

¡ Step 3: Excitement, Presence, Attention, Warmth

¡ Step 4: Eye contact

¡ Step 5: Think through it.

¡ Being distracted – “scanning eyes”.

¡ Picture the following at a networking event:

¡ Like most of these problems, it’s all in your mind.

¡ People want what you want, even if it appears that they

¡ FOUR main ways to break the ice.

¡ Hi, how are you?

¡ Just make sure you know what to say afterwards!

¡ Method #1: Asking an informational or opinion-based question.

¡ Practicing observational skills

¡ We hesitate because we’re unsure of what exactly to say.

¡ What to say after you break the ice?

¡ If you are aware of how unapproachable groups of people can

¡ Small talk (n): the most useless and painful

¡ Care and be curious.

¡ What childhood obsession did you have?

¡ Know Your Stories

¡ HPM: History, Philosophy, Metaphor

¡ HPM – HISTORY: A personal story, experience, or

¡ HPM – PHILOSOPHY - Your opinion, feelings, or

¡ HPM – METAPHOR –What the topic at hand makes

¡ EDR: Emotion, Detail, Restate

¡ EDR – Emotions – You ask the other person about

¡ EDR – Details – Ask about or state details for

¡ EDR – Restate – Summarize or reform their words

¡ SBR – Specific, Broad, Related – one final

¡ At this point, you should start thinking about which of these

¡ SBR – Specific – Ask questions about specific

¡ SBR – Broad– Back up and ask questions about

¡ SBR – Related – Ask questions about a

¡ Free association – help with Metaphor and

¡  Social confidence is the mindset to achieve and aim for

¡  Most of us carry the wrong mindset towards conversation

¡ A rbitrary assumptions and limiting

¡ R egardless of how you feel, it’s important

¡ T hey are negative self-talk based on

¡  We assume perfectionism is (1) possible, and (2) preferable

¡  When you don’t have social confidence…

¡  But what are the realistic consequences?

¡  Create a Confidence Resume full of Confidence Anchors. Keep it

¡ So what’s the correct mindset for optimal

¡ C uriosity – WWJD (or WWCD)

¡ E ntertainment: people engage in

¡  Being driven by assumptions and fears – and not questioning

¡ Great conversationalists do their work

¡ Energy and alertness

¡  " T h i s f o r e s t i s p e r f e c t l y d e l i g h t f u l , " d e c l a r e d t h e L i o n , l o o k i n g a r o u n d h i m w i t h j oy.

¡  " I t s e e m s g l o o my, " s a i d t h e S c a r e c r o w

¡  " N o t a b i t o f i t , " a n s w e r e d t h e L i o n . " I s h o u l d l i ke t o l i v e h e r e a l l my l i f e . S e e h o w s o f t

¡  " P e r h a p s t h e r e a r e w i l d b e a s t s i n t h e f o r e s t n o w, " s a i d D o r o t hy.

¡  " I s u p p o s e t h e r e a r e , " r e t u r n e d t h e L i o n , " b u t I d o n o t s e e a ny o f t h e m a b o u t . ”

¡ Energy and alertness

¡  Always knowing what to say

¡  People just want to hear something interesting, so give it to

¡ M ine? Will Smith

¡  Relying on “winging it” and warming up during the

¡  First impressions are important.

¡ Step 1: The Mirror Test

¡  Homework: Perform the mirror test before you leave the

¡ Step 2: Assume Familiarity

¡  Step 3: Excitement, Presence, Attention, Warmth

¡  Step 4: Eye contact

¡  Step 5: Think through it.

¡  Being distracted – “scanning eyes”.

¡  Picture the following at a networking event:

¡  Like most of these problems, it’s all in your mind.

¡  People want what you want, even if it appears that they

¡  FOUR main ways to break the ice.

¡  Hi, how are you?

¡ Just make sure you know what to say afterwards!

¡  Method #1: Asking an informational or opinion-based question.

¡  Practicing observational skills

¡  We hesitate because we’re unsure of what exactly to say.

¡ What to say after you break the ice?

¡  If you are aware of how unapproachable groups of people can

¡ Small talk (n): the most useless and painful

¡ Care and be curious.

¡  What childhood obsession did you have?

¡ Know Your Stories

¡ HPM: History, Philosophy, Metaphor

¡ HPM – HISTORY: A personal story, experience, or

¡ HPM – PHILOSOPHY - Your opinion, feelings, or

¡ HPM – METAPHOR –What the topic at hand makes

¡ EDR: Emotion, Detail, Restate

¡ EDR – Emotions – You ask the other person about

¡ EDR – Details – Ask about or state details for

¡ EDR – Restate – Summarize or reform their words

¡ SBR – Specific, Broad, Related – one final

¡  At this point, you should start thinking about which of these

¡ SBR – Specific – Ask questions about specific

¡ SBR – Broad– Back up and ask questions about

¡ SBR – Related – Ask questions about a

¡ Free association – help with Metaphor and

¡  Accepting the status quo.

¡ So… how about that weather?

¡ Leading the interaction

¡ Leading the interaction

¡  Homework: Transform the following broad questions into

¡  Remember, make your questions easy to answer and

¡ Homework: think of 3 ways the following pairs of

¡  Again, it’s free association and finding links between

¡ Not viewing it as your responsibility and depending on

¡ All conversations die out naturally sometimes.

¡ Reflective and active listening

¡ Reflective and active listening

¡ Shallow versus deep commonalities

¡  Not listening with intent.

¡ Sometimes we lose track of why we have

¡ Focusing on entertainment for both parties, and

¡ How can you create more entertainment in a

¡ How often do you say “I hope you don’t mind my