Devon Kalo

How to Deal with Poor Grammar

9/11, Columbine, the Great Chicago Fire, and Mt Saint Helens’ eruption were all bad

events in American history (Understatement), but the largest affront to America is bad grammar

(Hyperbole). It is for this grievous reason that I present an exemplary solution to said issue. It is

through the assistance of a series of experts that I believe our country can effectively establish

the “Redneck Removal Act”. This brilliant act is similar to the extremely successful Indian

Removal Act of 1830; however, it is 60% more beneficial because it works to solve the country’s

illiteracy problem, has a sound means of implementation, and few arguments stand against it.

The Redneck Removal Act will work to solve illiteracy in the United States of America

by relocating all rednecks in the country to specially designated redneck reservations. Now many

may see illiteracy as a minor issue, but according to dosomething.org, "As of 2011, America was

the only free-market OECD (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development) country

where the current generation was less educated than the previous one” (dosomething.org). This is

alarming; we are allowing our literacy and education to fall by the wayside. Our students are no

longer learning essentials of grammar, and thus the population of the United States is becoming

illiterate and by extension ignorant. According to education specialist, Jamie Johnson, an English

teacher, "the problem is all of the redneck students in this country; they come into class every

day spewing forth these horrid “ain’ts”, “y'alls”, and “Yinses”, and it just too much for any

teacher to handle. It's no wonder that proper grammar is going extinct” (Johnson). She's an

English teacher; she sees this every day, and she said that which is on everyone’s mind. The
rednecks are the problem, so how do we deal with that problem? We send them to reservations,

places where they can act like rednecks love to act without infecting the rest of us with their

wretched grammar.

The actual implementation of this program is relatively seamless. We expend a miniscule

amount of money, and convincing rednecks to move won't be a problem. Experts support my

theory; political ethics expert, Dr. Spencer Wiley, stated, “It is possible to create the reservations

with only a few hundred thousand dollars; this is equivalent to the price of our president’s yearly

vacation to Hawaii, so this is no major expense for such a government program” (Wiley 186).

Financially, I can't see a problem with this; a few thousand dollars is not a lot of money when

you consider for what it is being used. Rednecks also do not seem to have a problem with this,

and all predictions stated that they would be the largest opponents. The latest reports from USA

Today stated, "Only about 6% of rednecks are opposed to the Redneck Removal Act." This

bodes well for the bill, as the largest opposition is near nonexistent.

There are very few arguments against this bill. This bill is so well-written, and the idea is

such an ingenious one that almost no one can find flaw. The flaws people find are nothing more

than figments of their overactive imaginations. Many people are talking about these reservations

as concentration camps, and they are calling the supporters "grammar Nazis".(Irony) This is

simply not the case, as mid-19th century historian, Elsa Schmidt, said in her most recent article,

"the creation of these reservations is a brilliant idea. They are not concentration camps because

the rednecks are free to do as they please on these reservations so long as they do not leave. This

is not Nazi-ism, for we are not isolating the rednecks because they are inferior. We are separating

rednecks to preserve good grammar” (Schmidt 17). As you can see, the biggest argument against

this plan is nothing more than a fallacy.

 So to conclude, The Redneck Removal Act is a brilliant strategy for improving the

country's grammar. Removing rednecks will prevent them from spreading their illiteracy to

others. The plan has no problems with implementation; in fact, it is a rather simple process.

Finally, the only argument against it is based on a false idea. There is no reason to prevent this

from being put in place. After all, the world would be a better place because of it.
Works Cited
dosomething.org. 13 March 2015 <https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-literacy-
america>.

Johnson, Jamie. What is the problem with Modern English? John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. 3 August
2012.

Schmidt, Elsa. "Thoughts on the Redneck Removal Act." Politics United 3 March 2015: 15-22.

Wiley, Dr. Spencer. "Logistics of Reservations." Here We Go Again (2015): 177-194.