Damn Yankees 1994 Revival Script

OPENING NIGHT SCRIPT
March 2, 1994
Music and Lyrics by

RICHARD ADLER and JERRY ROSS
Book by
GEORGE ABBOTT and DOUGLASS WALLOPP
Book Revisions by
JACK O'BRIEN
Orchestrations by
DOUG BESTERMAN
By arrangement with
MUSIC THEATRE INTERNATIONAL
Opening Night Performance -- New York MARQUIS THEATRE

March 2, 1994 1535 Broadway
New York, NY
2
CHARACTERS
JOE BOYD
MEG BOYD
APPLEGATE
SISTER
JOE HARDY
VAN BUREN
ROCKY
SMOKEY
SOHOVIK
BUBBA
OZZIE
BOMBER
VERNON
MICKEY
DEL
HENRY
GLORIA THORPE
BETTY
DONNA
KITTY
AD EXECUTIVE
PHOTOGRAPHER
WELCH
LOLA
3
SCENES
ACT ONE
Scene 1: The Boyd's Living Room and Front Porch
Scene 2: Griffith Stadium Ball Field/Locker Room
Scene 3: Griffith Stadium Dugout
Scene 4: Madison Avenue
Scene 5: The Press Conference
Scene 6: Applegate's Apartment
Scene 7: The Boyd's Kitchen
Scene 8: Locker Room
ACT TWO
Scene 1: The Hospital Benefit
Scene 2: Training Room
Scene 3: Meg's Bedroom/A Telephone Booth
Scene 4: Applegate's Apartment
Scene 5: The Trial
Scene 6: Limbo
Scene 7: Griffith Stadium
Scene 8: The Boyd's Living Room

4
MUSICAL NUMBERS
Overture Orchestra
Couch Potatoes Orchestra
Six Months Out of Every Year Meg, Joe Boyd, Husbands and Wives
Six Months -- Playoff Offstage Singers
Straight From Hell Offstage Singers
Goodbye, Old Girl Joe Boyd and Joe Hardy
Blooper Ballet Orchestra
Heart Van Buren and The Senators
Heartier/Heartiest Van Buren and The Senators
Joe at Bat Offstage Singers
Shoeless Joe From Hannibal, MO Gloria and The Senators
Shoeless Joe Pt. 2 -- Dance Gloria and The Senators
Shoeless Joe Pt. 3 -- Madison Avenue Joe Hardy, Gloria and Ensemble
I'm Not Happy Gloria, Van Buren, Welch and Reporters
Woo-Woo Offstage Singers
A Little Brains, A Little Talent Lola
Brains -- Playoff Offstage Singers
Melmac Joe Hardy
A Man Doesn't Know Joe Hardy and Meg
Scene Change Orchestra
Bananas Orchestra
Whatever Lola Wants Lola
Act I Finale Orchestra
Entr'acte Orchestra
Bad Mambo Sister
Who's Got the Pain? Lola and The Senators
Scene Change Orchestra
The Game The Senators
Game -- Playoff Offstage Singers
Near to You Meg, Joe Hardy and Joe Boyd
Never Feel Sorry Orchestra
Those Were the Good Old Days Applegate
Good Old Days -- Encore Applegate
The Trial Offstage Singers
To Limbo Orchestra
Two Lost Souls Applegate and Lola
Bottom of the Ninth Orchestra
Old Joe Again Orchestra
Sportswrap Orchestra
Joe Comes Home Orchestra
A Man Doesn't Know -- Reprise Meg and Joe Boyd
Bows Company
Exit Music Orchestra
DAMN YANKEES 3/2/94 I-1-5
ACT I
SCENE ONE
As HOUSELIGHTS DIM, an organ plays the end of "The Star

Spangled Banner" and an OFFSTAGE VOICE yells, "Play Ball!"
OVERTURE
The CURTAIN RISES and LIGHTS COME UP on seven COUPLES

-- the HUSBANDS sitting in chairs and watching television, their
WIVES standing beside them. The center couple is JOE and MEG
BOYD, middle aged.
COUCH POTATOES
NARRATOR
Good evening. Just past the midpoint of the twentieth century, the average fan of
the hapless Washington Senators felt this way about the legendary New York
Yankees:
HUSBANDS look frustrated.
NARRATOR
So naturally, the wives felt this way about their husbands:
WIVES look ready to attack their husbands.
NARRATOR
And since the average Senators fan's conversation was usually related to some
variation of this…
HUSBANDS and WIVES squabble randomly, then in unison:
HUSBANDS
Damn Yankees!
NARRATOR
…the average marriage around Washington worked something like this:
SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR
MEG
I MIGHT AS WELL BE MADE OF STONE
WHEN I'M WITH HIM, I'M ALONE
I-1-6
HUSBANDS
OOO…OOO…
MEG
HE DOESN'T TAKE ME ANYWHERE
WHEN I PLAY CARDS -- SOLITARE
HUSBANDS
COME ON…COME ON…DAMN!
MEG
THE OTHER SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR
WE ARE HARDLY EVER SEEN APART
BUT THEN THE WASHINGTON SENATORS
TAKE OVER MY PLACE IN HIS HEART

I MIGHT AS WELL BE WEARING CREPE
LIFE IS JUST AN AWFUL BORE
FROM WHICH I FIND NO ESCAPE
ALL WIVES
SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY…
WIVES pick up telephones, calling one another.
WIFE 1
WHEN WE MET IN NINETEEN THIRTY EIGHT
IT WAS NOVEMBER
WIFE 2
WHEN I SAID THAT I WOULD BE HIS MATE
IT WAS DECEMBER
WIFE 3
I REASONED HE WOULD BE THE GREATEST HUSBAND
THAT A GIRL HAD EVER FOUND
OTHER WIVES
THAT'S WHAT I REASONED…
THAT'S WHAT I REASONED…
ALL WIVES
THEN APRIL ROLLED AROUND
I-1-7
JOE & HUSBANDS

STRIKE THREE, BALL FOUR
WALK, A RUN'LL TIE THE SCORE
FLY BALL, DOUBLE PLAY
YANKEES WIN AGAIN TODAY
THOSE DAMN YANKEES!
WHY CAN'T WE BEAT 'EM?
HE'S OUT! HE'S SAFE!
HE'S OUT!
YER BLIND, UMP!
YER BLIND, UMP!
YA MUST BE OUTTA YER MIND, UMP!
WIVES HUSBANDS
SIX MONTHS COME ON! HE'S…
OUT OF EVERY YEAR OUT! HE'S SAFE!
HE LIVES BY THE TELEVISION SET HE'S OUT
HE'S SAFE
HE'S OUT
IF YOU ARE YA BLIND? CANT'CHA
SEE THAT MINE OF MINE, SEE?
HOW DOES HE LOOK?
I FORGET LET'S GO!
SIX MONTHS LET'S GO! HE'S

OUT OF EVERY YEAR OUT! HE'S SAFE!
WE KNOW THERE IS NOT OTHER
DAME HE'S OUT
HE'S SAFE
HE'S OUT
IF HE HE'S SAFE! HE…
ISN'T HOME BY SIX, IS!
IT'S SIX-TO-ONE
THERE'S A GAME
LET'S GO!
WHEN WE COOK FOR THEM, IT
NEVER PAYS AAHH!!
INSTEAD OF PRAISING OUR
GOULASH,
THEY'RE APPRAISING THE PLAYS
OF WILLIE MAYS HE'S OUT! HE'S SAFE
HE'S OUT! HE'S SAFE
HE'S OUT! HE'S SAFE
HE'S OUT!
I-1-8
WIVES HUSBANDS
SIX STRIKE THREE
MONTHS BALL FOUR
OUT OF EVERY WALK A RUN'LL
YEAR TIE THE SCORE
FLY BALL
DOUBLE PLAY
YANKEES WIN AGAIN TODAY
THOSE DAMN YANKEES
WHY CAN'T WE BEAT 'EM?
WE MIGHT AS HE'S OUT
WELL BE WEARING HE'S SAFE
CREPE HE'S OUT
LIFE IS HE'S SAFE
JUST AN AWFUL BORE HE'S OUT
FROM WHICH WE FIND HE'S SAFE
HE'S OUT
YER BLIND UMP
YER BLIND UMP
YA MUST BE OUTTA
YER MIND UMP
LET'S…
NO ESCAPE GO!
LET'S…
GO!
THOSE…
WE'RE DYING FOR THE MERCURY DAMN…
TO DROP TO THREE BELOW YANKEES!
WE'RE CRYING FOR THE HAPPY
DAYS OF ICICLES AND SNOW WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
WE DON'T MIND SLEEPING APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST,
SOLO, THAT IS
ONCE A YEAR OR SO SEPTEMBER
BUT WITH THEM IT'S A CAREER
(BURP!)
MEN!
OOH!
BAH! SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY…
APRIL, MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, HER BLIND, UMP
YER BLIND, UMP
SEPTEMBER YA MUST BE OUTTA YER MIND UMP
SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR!
YEAR!
SIX MONTHS -- PLAYOFF

I-1-9
OFFSTAGE SINGERS are heard. HUSBANDS and WIVES exit.

Scenery for JOE and MEG's living room appears. It is a warm
summer evening at their home in Washington D.C., 1955. JOE
sits, watching the game. MEG remains on the phone. We can
hear the game on TV.
JOE
to the TV
Okay, Sohovik, don't try to murder it -- just slip one through the infield…
MEG
Into the phone
No, Sister. I said I'd give them a hand at the Hospital Gift Shop until four o'clock…
but don't make me go to your stupid Mambo lesson. I'm not even going to be in
the Hospital Benefit anyway…
JOE
…Come on, Sohovik, get lucky -- oh boy…
MEG
"Why?" It's because I've got something new for our Bridge night. I've already
poured Campbell's soup over everything except the deck of cards. All right, see
you tomorrow…
JOE
No, you idiot! Hold the third!
MEG
…Good night.
She hangs up.
JOE
Hit the dirt! Hit the dirt! That does it!
He snaps off the television.
MEG
Did the Washington Senators win, dear?
JOE
Thrown out at home.
MEG
I know the feeling. Maybe next time.
JOE
Damn Yankees. I'd give anything to lick 'em just once. Anything!
I-1-10
MEG
Don't forget, old boy, I have Bridge tomorrow night. Can you manage by yourself,
or should I put something in the fridge for you?
JOE
All we need is one long ball hitter. Just one, just one…
MEG
Joe, did you hear what I said?
JOE
Yeah sure.
JOE takes a swing at an imaginary ball. He nearly throws out his

back. MEG runs up to him.
MEG
Joe! Look out! Your back! Are you all right?
JOE
Yes, yes. I'm looking up, old girl.
MEG
Well good. Are you coming upstairs?
JOE
Why don't you come out on the porch with me for a couple minutes?
MEG
Oh, I can't, I'm studying Bridge. It's really hard. This man Gorem doesn't like you
to count on your fingers.
MEG has started up the stairs. JOE ignores her, continuing to

swing at an imaginary ball.
MEG
Oh, good lord! It's just a ball game, old boy.
STRAIGHT FROM HELL
MUSIC; OFFSTAGE SINGERS. MEG exits. JOE steps outside

through the front door. The scene changes to the front porch.
An outer wall is moved on and the door turns around to show the
exterior. Outside, JOE takes another swing at an imaginary ball.
I-1-11
JOE
Wham! One long ball hitter, that's what we need! Honest to God, I'd sell my soul
for one long ball bitter!
We hear a BOOMING VOICE from nowhere:
VOICE
Now there's an arresting idea!
MUSIC. JOE lifts his head as though conscious of some new

element. There is an enormous FLASH and APPLEGATE
appears.
APPLEGATE
Good evening.
JOE
My God, you scared me! Where did you come from?
APPLEGATE
I was designing an Edsel.
JOE
Huh?
APPLEGATE
Skip it. I'm just a man who agrees with you. One long ball hitter -- that's what the
team needs.
JOE
You live around here?
APPLEGATE
You might say that. So, you don't like to see the Senators in last place either, huh?
JOE
Well, they might still turn around if it weren't for those…
BOTH
…Damn Yankees…
APPLEGATE
…I know. Makes you just furious!
Smoke billows from APPLEGATE'S jacket. He sniffs the air.
Do you smell something?

I-1-12
JOE
Yeah, something's burning.
APPLEGATE
Noticing the smoke
Oh, sorry, that's me. I tend to overheat when I get excited. So, tell me, you played
some ball yourself, right?
JOE
Yeah, not anymore though. Gosh, it's been years.
APPLEGATE
Thirty-two to be exact -- you were really something then. I believe they were
scouting you for Kansas City. You still have your glove and spikes. They're under
your bed.
JOE
How did you know that?
APPLEGATE
Never mind. I'm here to offer you a proposition. How would you like to be the
greatest ball player in all history?
JOE
Look, mister, I can't even bend over and touch my toes.
APPLEGATE
The name's Applegate…
They shake hands. MUSIC.
Now try. Just for fun.
JOE tries to bend over, but his back almost goes out again.
JOE
Ow! I told you.
MUSIC. At a gesture from APPLEGATE, JOE is successfully able

to touch his toes.
JOE
Hey! That's amazing! How did you do that?
APPLEGATE
That's nothing. You see that cat over there?
JOE
Yeah.
I-1-13
APPLEGATE
It isn't yours, is it?
JOE
No.
APPLEGATE gestures. We hear the cat howl.
JOE
Oh! That's terrifying!
APPLEGATE
Isn't it? I find it very effective on headwaiters. You see I'm handy with fire.
JOE
Wait a minute. You said "Applegate"? That's like Old Nick or Old Scratch…That's
just another name for the dev…
Pauses…suddenly terrified
What are you doing here?!
APPLEGATE
I come when I'm called, very much like Roto-Rooter. You see, I hate those damn
Yankees just as much as you do. So I thought I'd drop in, make you famous and
answer one of your most secret desires while I'm at it.
JOE
Wait a minute; don't think that I'm just the kind of guy that would call up…
APPLEGATE
Please, I am every inch of a gentleman. I don't go anywhere unless I'm invited.
Pulls out a notebook, looks through it
Now, by my count, you invoked me thirty-two times during the last inning of
today's game. "Go to Hell", "Go straight to Hell", "Damn it to Hell"…ring any bells?
JOE
Listen, I don't know what the gag is…anyone who cares about the Senators is
bound to feel…
MUSIC. MEG'S SISTER enters. She is middle-aged and affects

young mannerisms.
SISTER
Talking to yourself? So, you finally flipped your lid, huh Joe? What are you doing
out here by yourself in the dark?
I-1-14
JOE
Sister, where have you been?
SISTER
Oh, I've been taking Mambo lessons. I'm working on the Mambo for the hospital
benefit.
She looks around. She cannot see APPLEGATE.
So, uh, who are you talking to?
JOE
Nobody, I just…
SISTER
Oh, you've got Senator Depression on the brain, huh, Joe? Me too. Seventh place.
Damn those Yankees anyway! You know, when Meg and I were kids in Hannibal,
Missouri, I hated the Yankees even then. And I was right too. Well, good night,
Joe. Tell my sister I'll see her at Bridge tomorrow. And let's see now, it goes, uh…
SISTER dances, terribly, counting in step. APPLEGATE pokes her

and her back goes out.
SISTER
Ohh! Ooh! Everything hurts! First the Senators, then the Mambo!
She exits. MUSIC.
APPLEGATE
Hannibal, Missouri…and they live there on purpose.
JOE
She couldn't see you!
APPLEGATE
Smoke and mirrors, kiddo, smoke and mirrors. I can't afford the wrong kind of
reputation. You understand?
JOE
What are you talking about?
APPLEGATE
Look, I like baseball, I like the Senators, and, my friend, I like you. That is why I've
chosen you, the most dedicated partisan of the noble Senators, to be the hero that
leads them out of the wilderness to win the championship.
JOE
The Senators are in seventh place.
I-1-15
APPLEGATE
Yeah, I know, but you're going to inspire the team to greatness. We'll call you
Hardy -- Joe Hardy. You'll be twenty-two years old. They'll put a new wing on that
baseball museum in Cooperstown, dedicated to you -- the Hardy Shrine.
JOE
What do you want me to do?
APPLEGATE
Leave everything to me.
JOE
My job…my wife…
APPLEGATE
Sacrifices. Isn't this the very opportunity you've always wanted?
JOE
Yeah, but then what? Suppose the Senators win the championship. Can I just go
back to the way things were? Back to my house? My job? My wife?
APPLEGATE
Let me guess, "It's a Wonderful Life" is your favorite movie, right?
JOE
How did you know?
APPLEGATE
Look, it must occur to you that I have plans for you that don't involve baseball…?
Don't worry; you'll be in great company: Military figures, opera tenors, used car
salesmen, the American Bar Association…
JOE
What about an escape clause?
APPLEGATE
A what?
JOE
In my business, in real estate, we have what's called an escape clause.
APPLEGATE
Well…this isn't real estate and I don't make deals. You see, with me, you either
get immortality or acne -- no in-between.
JOE
No deal. I have my wife to think about.
I-1-16
JOE turns to go inside. APPLEGATE blocks his path.
APPLEGATE
Wives! They are more trouble than the Methodist church…What kind of escape
clause did you have in mind?
JOE
The season ends on the 25th of September. Let's say on the 25th, I can still walk
away at midnight if I want to.
APPLEGATE
You people are so hopeless. Midnight! Why do I always have to be around at the
stroke of midnight? What, you want Vincent Price too? Let's make it interesting.
You can leave on the 24th, one day before the end of the series, free and clear.
But midnight is way past my bedtime. I prefer a civilized nine o'clock sharp. But,
if you decide to play in that final game on the 25th, you're in for the duration, if you
know what I mean.
JOE
And you won't pull any tricks? No oddball surprises?
APPLEGATE
If I pull any so-called "tricks", the deal is off.
JOE
And you'll leave my wife out of this? Don't involve her!
APPLEGATE
I won't lay a finger on her -- she's neutral territory. Is it a deal?
JOE
Deal.
They shake hands again. MUSIC. JOE waits for something to

happen.
JOE
Is that it? That's all there is to it?
APPLEGATE
It's a contract, Joe, not the Miss America Pageant. Say, that's a great idea!
Writes in his notebook:
Call Bert Parks.
to JOE:
Now, the team really needs you, so let's get going.
I-1-17
JOE
I want to leave a note for my wife.
APPLEGATE
No, no notes -- a clean disappearance! Now go in and get your spikes and that
glove. I'll get a taxi.
JOE exits through the door into the house.
Oh how I love this job!
APPLEGATE exits. The front door and exterior wall are moved off
to show MEG in her bedroom. She is studying Bridge. She reads
aloud. MUSIC.
MEG
Take one club with fifteen points and a long suit…
She looks up, towards the window
Maybe I should've gone out on the porch with Joe. We never do that anymore.
She goes back to her book
Return to one club with ten points and…
She looks up again
Oh, he doesn't talk to me anymore anyway, just to his dumb Senators. Well, I'll
find a way to make it up to him. Maybe tomorrow. Anyway, whatever you're doing
down there, old boy, good night.
MEG puts the book down, turns off the light and goes to sleep.
JOE enters the room and gets his glove and cleats from under the
bed. He stops and looks at MEG.
GOODBYE, OLD GIRL
JOE
GOODBYE, OLD GIRL
MY OLD GIRL
WHEN YOU AWAKEN, I'LL BE GONE
CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE I GO
IT ISN'T FAIR, I KNOW
BUT TRUST IN ME AND CARRY ON
GOODBYE, OLD FRIEND

MY OLD FRIEND
THERE'S SOMETHING I MUST LET YOU KNOW
I HAVEN'T SAID IT MUCH
I GUESS I'VE LOST MY TOUCH
BUT MY OLD GIRL, I LOVE YOU SO
I-1-18
JOE
NOW I KNOW IT HASN'T ALL BEEN ROSY
WE'VE HAD SQUABBLING DAYS
WHEN TEARS WERE BROUGHT ABOUT
BUT IN A MOMENT OR TWO
WE WOULD BILL AND COO
AND NEVER EVEN KNEW WHAT WE FOUGHT ABOUT
AND NOW YOUR JOE

HAS TO GO
BUT HE'LL COME BACK TO YOU AGAIN
SO SLEEP YOUR SLEEP, OLD GIRL
OUR LOVE WILL KEEP, OLD GIRL TILL THEN
JOE kisses MEG on the cheek and goes downstairs.

APPLEGATE reenters and waits by the front door.
APPLEGATE
All right, cab's waiting…meter's running…
There is another enormous FLASH! JOE bursts through the

front door. He has been changed to JOE HARDY! He senses
something different.
JOE HARDY
Hey…did you? I don't believe it!
He takes a swing at an imaginary ball.
Wham!
Sings
AND NOW YOUR JOE
HAS TO GO
BUT HE'LL COME BACK TO YOU AGAIN
SO SLEEP YOUR SLEEP, OLD GIRL
OUR LOVE WILL KEEP, OLD GIRL TILL THEN
GOODBYE, OLD GIRL
MY OLD GIRL,
GOODBYE…!
I-2-19
ACT I
SCENE TWO
In the darkness, we hear the voice of The Washington Senators'

manager BENNY VAN BUREN:
VAN BUREN
Play ball!!
BLOOPER BALLET
LIGHTS UP. The WASHINGTON SENATORS run onto the field of

Griffith Stadium. They begin to play, taking turns at bat -- round
robin. They are pathetic. Some are chewing tobacco and spitting
everywhere. Some use good luck charms and other superstitious
techniques right before taking a swing. The ball is hit over and
over again. The sound of a window crashing is heard. PLAYERS
dive after the ball resolving in a pileup. A few skid across the
stage with a tire screeching noise. There are several more noisy
crashes and smashes. PLAYERS smack into each other on the
field and fall. The ball bounces away with a "Boing! Boing!"
sound. A PLAYER is hit on the head followed by the sound of
birds chirping. One PLAYER chases the ball offstage; another
time the ball chases him. Two PLAYERS get into a fight that is
quickly broken up. The entire process is repeated several times
and there is a free for all. At various moments in the musical
number, different PLAYERS shout ad-libbed phrases. Finally, the
ball is hit high into the air and all the players look up ponderously.
Everyone tries to catch but the ball hits stage and everyone
heaves a sigh of disappointment. VAN BUREN enters the stage.
VAN BUREN
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute, you guys! What kind of little league
do you call that?
He throws the ball to a PLAYER who drops it
Can't you even hang onto the ball for Christ's sake? May I remind you bums this is
the major league? Minors are not admitted without their parents. And I ain't your
parent.
General reaction from the SENATORS
OZZIE
It's just a string of bad luck, Mr. Van Buren. But it's gotta change. I found a four-
leaf clover in right field this morning. True, I should have been watching the line
drive, but still…
I-2-20
VAN BUREN
I'm coming to that, Oz, I'm coming to that. Look, Sohovik, what sign is this?
He signals.
SOHOVIK
Hit and run, sure.
VAN BUREN
Right. Now you're still at bat.
He signals again.
SOHOVIK
I take.
VAN BUREN
Okay. Now the count's three and two.
He signals again.
SOHOVIK
I don't do nuthin.
VAN BUREN
How can you not do anything? If I wipe the take signal, watch what follows.
He signals again; SOHOVIK is blank.
You go for it.
SOHOVIK
Oh yeah, I knew that.
VAN BUREN
But ya didn't know it last night and it damn near cost us the inning.
SOHOVIK
Well, look, it's not that I'm dumb, Benny.
VAN BUREN
Nobody said anything about you being dumb -- exactly.
ROCKY
It's just Yankee Fever. I've had it for months.
VAN BUREN
What's that, Rock?
SMOKEY
When we're playing the Yankees, we tense up, skipper. I sometimes figure, what
the hell's the use?
I-2-21
VAN BUREN
Smokey, you can't think like that. You're pitching to those guys.
SOHOVIK
But they ain't human.
SMOKEY
I look at that plate, I'm looking at Billy Martin…Mickey Mantle…Yogi Berra…!
BUBBA
I'd really like to get Yogi Berra's autograph!
ROCKY
And it ain't that that we're chicken, Benny. We don't make the same goofers when
we're playing Kansas City. But they're something' else, those Yanks.
VAN BUREN
And so are you, I've seen it. But your mental state is all off the left field. Bomber,
I've seen you banging those benches till you drive me crazy. Rocky, you played
three games with a busted hand and that took guts. But there's something else
you need. Look at Dale Carnegie, look at Norman Vincent Peale, look at Bishop
Sheen! There's a new dawn out there, guys. And you're right at the beginning of
it. It takes skill, sure, but it takes something else too. Something that this country
is just beginning to discover. Something bigger.
HEART
VAN BUREN
YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART
ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS HEART
WHEN THE ODDS ARE SAYIN' YOU'LL NEVER WIN
THAT'S WHEN THE GRIN SHOULD START
YOU GOTTA HAVE HOPE

MUSTN'T SIT AROUND AND MOPE
NOTHIN'S HALF AS BAD AS IT MAY APPEAR
WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR AND HOPE
WHEN YOUR LUCK IS BATTIN' ZERO

GET YOUR CHIN UP OFF THE FLOOR
MISTER YOU CAN BE A HERO
YOU CAN OPEN ANY DOOR
THERE'S NOTHIN' TO IT, BUT TO DO IT
I-2-22
VAN BUREN
YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART
MILES AND MILES AND MILES OF HEART
OH, IT'S FINE TO BE A GENIUS, OF COURSE
BUT KEEP THAT OLD HORSE BEFORE THE CART
FIRST, YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART
ROCKY
A GREAT SLUGGER, WE HAVEN'T GOT
SMOKEY
A GREAT PITCHER, WE HAVEN'T GOT
SOHOVIK
A GREAT BALL CLUB, WE HAVEN'T GOT
TRIO
WHAT'VE WE GOT?
WE'VE GOT HEART
ALL WE REALLY NEED IS HEART
WHEN THE ODDS ARE SAYIN' WE'LL NEVER WIN
THAT'S WHEN THE GRIN SHOULD START
VAN BUREN
Now you're getting the idea!
TRIO
WE'VE GOT HOPE
WE DON'T SIT AROUND AND MOPE
NOT A SOLITARY SOB DO WE HEAVE,
MISTER, CUZ WE'VE GOT HOPE
VAN BUREN
Boys, I'm proud of you!
ROCKY QUARTET
WE'RE SO HAPPY THAT WE'RE HUMMIN'
HM-HM-HM
VAN BUREN
THAT'S THE HEARTY THING TO DO
HOO-HOO-HOO
SMOKEY
CUZ WE KNOW OUR SHIP WILL COME IN
HM-HM-HM
SOHOVIK
SO IT'S TEN YEARS OVERDUE
HOO-HOO-HOO
I-2-23
QUARTET
WE'VE GOT HEART
OH IT'S FINE TO BE A GENIUS, OF COURSE
SMOKEY
SO WHAT THE HECK'S THE USE OF CRYING?
ROCKY
WHY SHOULD WE CURSE?
SOHOVIK
WE GOTTA GET BETTER…
VAN BUREN
CUZ WE CAN'T GET WORSE!
QUARTET
AND TO ADD TO IT…
WE'VE GOT HEART
WE'VE GOT HEART
WE'VE GOT HEART!
HEARTIER/HEARTIEST
VAN BUREN
What've we got?
3 GUYS
Heart!
VAN BUREN
What've we got?
ALL
Heart!
VAN BUREN
What've we got?
The scene changes to the locker room. Half the group goes
into the showers upstage while the rest remain at the lockers
downstage. MUSIC
I-2-24
ALL
WE'VE GOTTA HAVE HEART
FIRST, YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART
DOWNSTAGE GUYS SHOWER GUYS

WHAT'VE WE GOT
WHAT'VE WE GOT
WHAT'VE WE GOT
WHAT'VE WE GOT
ALL
WE GOT HEART (WE GOT HEART, WE GOT HEART)
WE GOT HOPE (WE GOT HOPE, WE GOT HOPE)
WE DON'T SIT AROUND AND MOPE
BUBBA
LOOK!
OTHERS
WHAT?
BUBBA
SOAP-ON-A-ROPE!
ALL
DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, ETC.
DEL & MICKEY

ALL WE REALLY NEED IS HOPE!
3 GUYS
(GARGLE: "WHEN YOUR LUCK IS BATTING ZERO")
+2 MORE GUYS
(GARGLE: "GET YOUR CHIN UP OFF THE FLOOR…")
All 5 gargle the rest of the verse until…
SOLO
(GARGLE: "THERE'S NOTHING TO IT BUT TO DO IT")
I-2-25
ALL
WHAT'VE WE GOT?
WHAT'VE WE GOT?
WE'VE GOT HEART
BUT KEEP THAT OLD HORSE BEFORE THE CART!
VAN BUREN
WHO MINDS THE POP BOTTLES FLYIN'?
ROCKY
THE HISSES AND BOOS?
4 GUYS
THE TEAM HAS BEEN CONSISTENT
BOMBER & SOHOVIK

YEAH, WE ALWAYS LOSE!
ALL
BUT WE'RE LAUGHIN' 'CAUSE
WE'VE GOT HEART
WE'VE GOT HEART
WE'VE GOT HEART!
WHAT'VE WE GOT?
WE'VE GOT HEART!
BUBBA throws his towel away. GLORIA THORPE is discovered in

the towel barrel. BUBBA and the other PLAYERS react.
GLORIA
Good morning!
ALL
Gloria!
VAN BUREN
Gloria! What are you doing in the towel barrel? We didn't invite the press this
morning.
GLORIA
You never invite the press, Van Buren. At least not this press. I'd never get a
story if I waited for you to give me one. So I have to dig a little deeper.
I-2-26
VAN BUREN
Well the bottom of the barrel is a little too deep, Gloria.
GLORIA
It's all right, Van Buren. There isn't any sweat on any of these towels.
SMOKEY
Are you down here looking for naked men, Gloria?
GLORIA
Actually, I'm looking for a big story. There sure isn't a lot of excitement going on
upstairs these days. Where's the legendary fastball? Losing some steam lately?
SMOKEY
None of your business, Gloria!
He exits.
GLORIA
Calling after him
Looks like we'll have to come up with a new nickname for you. How about Pokey
Smokey? I bet I could throw faster. Any takers?
VAN BUREN
Okay, Gloria, time's up.
GLORIA
My paper just wants to know what your boys think of the Yankees. My boss seems
to think they're getting a little intimidated.
PLAYERS react.
VAN BUREN
Well, I'll tell you this much: My boys don't play dead for the Yanks or any other ball
club.
APPLEGATE enters followed by JOE HARDY carrying his glove

and spike shoes.
APPLEGATE
I'm looking for Mr. Van Buren, the Washington manager.
VAN BUREN
Right here.
to GLORIA
The Yanks are a swell bunch of fellas. Okay, Gloria? Now move along.
I-2-27
APPLEGATE
Extending a card
The name's Applegate -- long time fan of the Senators.
VAN BUREN
See my secretary, will you? I'm busy at the moment.
VAN BUREN starts to go. APPLEGATE stops him.
APPLEGATE
Say, you listen to me. I've been beating the bushes looking for talent on your
behalf. Now, I want you to shake hands with my protégé, Joe Hardy. He's quite a
boy with a bat in his hands.
VAN BUREN
Listen, Mac, I told you I'm very busy.
JOE
If you'd just let me hit a few, Mr. Van Buren.
GLORIA
Hey, that's a good idea. The only thing that separates you boys from the top of
the league is a little hitting -- and a little pitching, some fielding, a couple of runs, a
few R.B.I.'s…
APPLEGATE
Sadly, she's got a point. Now my boy here hits it a country mile. What have you
got to lose?
VAN BUREN
Looks around
Okay, fellas, suit up. Sohovik, get this kid upstairs and find Smokey for me, will ya?
JOE takes off his shoes to put on his cleats -- they are too small.
JOE
Thanks, Mr. Van Buren, you have no idea! All my life, all I ever wanted to do was
play with --
VAN BUREN
Tell him to throw a few. I'll be up there.
SOHOVIK
Sure thing. Come on, kid.
I-2-28
JOE
It's like a dream come true! Oh, these darn cleats. I can hardly get them on.
SOHOVIK, JOE and other PLAYERS exit. VAN BUREN starts to

go. APPLEGATE and GLORIA follow him.
APPLEGATE
You're a smart man, Mr. Van Buren. I've always said that.
VAN BUREN
Oh, no you don't! No agents, no personal coaches, no amateurs…
GLORIA
That's it, Benny, you tell him!
VAN BUREN
to GLORIA
You stay here.
He exits.
GLORIA
How am I ever supposed to get a by-line without a break? All I want is a chance
to write one major story. Kick up some real excitement around here. Maybe
discover a star. Is that too much to ask for? Oh, just damn everything to Hell!
APPLEGATE
As if I didn't have enough to do. Come on!
APPLEGATE and GLORIA go off.
Scene immediately changes to…

I-3-29
ACT I
SCENE THREE
SMOKEY is at the pitcher's plate. VAN BUREN and three other

PLAYERS stand behind him. SMOKEY throws a few imaginary
balls out into the audience where JOE is at bat. There is MUSIC,
CRACK OF BAT and a SLIDE WHISTLE. OFFSTAGE SINGERS
backup the MUSIC. All heads follow the "ball." Everyone looks in
awe, they huddle, and then other PLAYERS start throwing
imaginary balls at JOE. The business repeats several times.
The MUSIC abruptly stops. GLORIA enters and watches.
JOE AT BAT
VAN BUREN
I can't believe this kid is as good as all that. How could he be -- where the hell
would he have been keeping himself? Smokey, put a little something on it!
SMOKEY
Benny, that was my fast, fast fastball -- I promise!
VAN BUREN
I know -- I recognize the sound it makes landing in the upper deck. Throw one
faster!
SMOKEY
All right!
MUSIC -- faster this time. CRACK OF BAT. SLIDE WHISTLE.
VAN BUREN
Great strike!
ROCKY
Nice swing!
GLORIA
Nice ass!
VAN BUREN
to GLORIA
Come on!
MUSIC. The dugout is moved on. ALL PLAYERS enter and either
sit on benches or lean against the wall. JOE enters and runs up
to VAN BUREN.
VAN BUREN
You hit the ball pretty good.
I-2-30
JOE
Thanks, Mr. Van Buren. I gotta say I love the Senators!
GLORIA
So do I and there's so few of us left.
SENATORS
Gloria!
JOE
Honestly, Mr. Van Buren, I can hit better than that. I know I can.
APPLEGATE
Enters
Of course you can, Joe. You can do anything you want.
VAN BUREN
What position do you play, kid?
JOE
I'd like to be shortstop.
to APPLEGATE
If that's all right?
APPLEGATE
Whatever you say, Joe.
GLORIA
to VAN BUREN
Is that all right?
JOE
Would you let me hit one more, please? With my shoes off?
VAN BUREN
What's wrong with your shoes?
JOE
They're too small or something.
He takes his shoes off, then shouts to SMOKEY:
Give me everything you've got!
Exits
GLORIA
Without his shoes? He's going to hit in his stocking feet? What is this?
I-3-31
APPLEGATE
How do you like my boy, Mr. Van Buren? Did he kiss that horsehide right out of
the park? Did he get the fat end of the bat on that pill? Bye-bye baby! How
about that?
VAN BUREN
Not bad.
APPLEGATE
"Not bad"?
GLORIA
What's his name? Where's he from?
APPLEGATE
The Midwest someplace.
GLORIA
What's his name?
APPLEGATE
His name is Joe Hardy.
to VAN BUREN
Not bad? Not bad?! Willie Mays can't hit a ball that far!
VAN BUREN
We may look him over; maybe send him to one of our farm clubs for a little seasoning
APPLEGATE
"A little seasoning"? If Ty Cobb walked in here looking for a chance, you'd send
him to Little Rock for three years. That's exactly what's wrong with baseball.
GLORIA
Now, where in the Midwest, mister, where?
APPLEGATE
Missouri, I think. Yeah, that's it -- Hannibal, Missouri.
VAN BUREN
Throw it, Smokey!
MUSIC. CRACK OF BAT. LONG SLIDE WHISTLE.

Everyone watches in amazement.
ALL
Wow!
I-3-32
VAN BUREN
That's the longest ball I've ever seen in my life!
APPLEGATE
Well over 600 feet for sure.
SOHOVIK
I think I swallowed my chewing tobacco.
VAN BUREN
Hire him!
PLAYERS cheer!
JOE
Entering
You mean it?
VAN BUREN
You bet!
JOE
I made it! I'm gonna play ball with these guys!
He shakes hands with all of them, making his way to APPLEGATE
Oh my God! Oh my God!! Oh my God!!!
APPLEGATE
Do you mind?
JOE
Mr. Applegate, how I can I ever thank you?
APPLEGATE
Oh, I'll find some way.
They shake hands. MUSIC. JOE runs to the SENATORS.
JOE
I'm sorry, but you guys don't know what this means to me! You just don't!
BUBBA
And you have no idea what this might mean for us!
OZZIE
Placing a rabbit's foot necklace around JOE
Our luck's beginning to change -- I can feel it! The clouds are lifting…the dawn is
breaking…
I-3-33
SOHOVIK
Yeah just like in "Snow White"!
VAN BUREN
Come on, kid, let's get you signed up!
VAN BUREN and JOE exit. GLORIA approaches APPLEGATE.
GLORIA
What's the real story on this kid?
APPLEGATE
The usual -- you need talent, you need timing, and of course it helps if you work
like the devil.
He exits.
GLORIA
Thinking out loud
And barefoot yet…
BOMBER
Maybe that's how they learn to do it in Missouri.
SMOKEY
I'd hate to think what he could do with the right shoes.
SOHOVIK
I'll tell you what he's gonna do…he's gonna win us a ballgame, that's what!
Agreement from PLAYERS. GLORIA writes in her pad.

The PLAYERS react to her ideas and disapprovals:
GLORIA
Now wait a minute, let me see…"The Barefoot Boy!"…No, that's too Mark Twain…
"The Hannibal Hero!"…No, that sounds like a sandwich…
JOE's shoes are thrown near her.
Hey, that's it -- Shoeless Joe!
BOMBER
Holding up JOE's shoes, mocking
Hey, Shoeless Joe!
PLAYERS laugh.
GLORIA
From Hannibal, MO!
I-3-34
SENATORS
Ooh!
SHOELESS JOE FROM HANNIBAL, MO.
GLORIA
SHOELESS JOE
SENATORS
FROM HANNIBAL, MO
GLORIA
And that's my story, fellas! And I got a feeling it's only the beginning!
Sings
WHO CAME ALONG IN A PUFF OF SMOKE?
SENATORS
SHOELESS JOE FROM HANIBAL, MO
GLORIA
STRONG AS THE HEART OF THE MIGHTY OAK
SENATORS
SHOELESS JOE FROM HANNIBAL, MO
LUCKY ARE WE TO BE HAVING HIM
GLORIA
SENATORS
JUST WHEN THE FUTURE WAS LOOKING GRIM
GLORIA
CAME A LONG, LONG WAY
ALL
TO BE WITH US TODAY
GLORIA
WITH ARMS OF STEEL LIKE HERCULES
SENATORS
OOH! YEAH!
GLORIA
FEET AS FLEET AS MERCURY'S
I-3-35
SENATORS
WHOOSH! YEAH!
GLORIA
HE'LL FIGHT FOR US, DO RIGHT FOR US
SENATORS
HE'LL BE A BEACON LIGHT FOR US
ALL
HE'S SHOELESS JOE FROM HANNIBAL, MO
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GLORIA
GO LIKE A BAT OUT OF YOU-KNOW-WHERE
SENATORS
GLORIA
STRIKE AT THE FOE, LET 'EM KNOW YOU'RE THERE
SENATORS
ALL
GLORIA
CAME UPON THE SCENE
ALL
AS FRESH AS LISTERINE
GLORIA
HE SNEEZED AND BLEW AWAY A CALF
SENATORS
ACHOO!
GLORIA
HIS LAUGHTER RIPPED A BARN IN HALF
SENATORS
GO! GO! GO! GO! JOE!
LIKE SEVENS COME, ELEVENS COME
I-3-36
GLORIA
LIKE MANNA FROM THE HEAVENS COME
ALL
IT'S SHOELESS JOE, FROM HANNIBAL MO
GLORIA SENATORS
GO! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO!
GLORIA
GO LIKE A BAT OUTTA YOU-KNOW-WHERE
SENATORS
SHOELESS JOE FROM M.O.
GLORIA
SENATORS
SHOELESS JOE FROM M.O.
ALL
LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT
FOR SHOELESS JOE
THE BAREFOOT BOY
FROM HANNIBAL, MO
JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE!
SHOELESS JOE PART 2 -- DANCE
ALL
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GLORIA
GO LIKE A BAT OUTTA YOU-KNOW-WHERE
SENATORS
SHOELESS JOE GO JOE GO
GLORIA
SENATORS
SHOELESS JOE GO
I-3-37
ALL
LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT
FOR SHOELESS JOE
THE BAREFOOT BOY
FROM HANNIBAL, MO
JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE!
JOE!!!
SHOELESS JOE PART 3 -- MADISON AVENUE
SENATORS
Fading
JOE, JOE, JOE…
JOE, JOE, JOE…ETC.
GLORIA and SENATORS exit. Scene changes…

I-4-38
ACT I
SCENE FOUR
JOE at center stage, in his own uniform, bat in hand. MUSIC.

We hear a crowd cheering and a STADIUM ANNOUNCER:
SHOELESS JOE PART 3 -- MADISON AVENUE (CONT'D)
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen: batting for the first time for the Washington Senators --
Shoeless Joe Hardy.
Suddenly an AD EXECUTIVE, a PHOTOGRAPHER and three

GIRLS in fancy dresses smoking cigarettes enter and surround
JOE. Posters and billboards of Joe and various advertisements
descend from the flies, including Camel Cigarettes, Listerine, the
1955 Mercury and others -- all with JOE's picture featured on
them. The entire scene is a montage of JOE being appearing in
advertisements all while GLORIA narrates the progress of the
Senators touring the nation.
GIRLS
JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE
JOE, JOE, JOE
WHO CAME ALONG IN A PUFF OF SMOKE?
JOE
STRONG AS THE HEART OF A MIGHTY OAK?
JOE
The cigarette advertisement brandishes a speech bubble from

Joe reading: MY T ZONE TELLS ME WHY MORE DOCTORS
SMOKE CAMELS THAN ANY OTHER CIGARETTE.
GIRL
Handing JOE a lit cigarette
Here you go, Joe. See? It's easy.
JOE
How can I enjoy cigarettes? I quit twenty years ago.
PHOTOGRAPHER
You must've started pretty young!
AD EXECUTIVE
Whatever you do, don't move that T zone.
JOE
Are you sure Pat Boone's doing one of these?
I-4-39
AD EXECUTIVE
Oh yeah! Wait till you see!
PHOTOGRAPHER
Hold it…
JOE and GIRLS pose.
GIRLS
Speaking in rhythm
Why don't you pick one up and smoke just like Joe?
PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a camera FLASH. GLORIA crosses the

stage as three BOYS in sharp cardigans enter for another
commercial.
BOYS
BA DOO…BA DOO…BA DOO…ETC…
GLORIA
June 18th: Shoeless Rookie sells big. Fans shake the stadium, chanting that
famous nickname…
The Listerine Advertisement: LISTERINE KILLS THE GERMS

THAT CAUSE BAD BREATH. JOE HARDY KNOWS THAT TESTS
PROVE LISTERINE ACTS ON AREAS WHERE BREATH ODORS
STAY.
BOYS
SHOELESS…
SHOELESS…
SHOELESS JOE
CAME UPON THE SCENE
DOODLEY WAH
FRESH AS LISTERINE
WHO DOH, WHO DOH
JOE takes a swig of Listerine…with nowhere to spit it.
AD EXECUTIVE
Swallow it!
JOE
Gagging
Kills the germs -- kills the germs -- This stuff could kill cockroaches!
I-3-40
BOYS
KILLS THE GERMS THAT…
YEAH!
…CAUSE BAD BREATH!
Another camera FLASH. GLORIA crosses the stage again.
GLORIA
July 23rd: Shoeless in Chicago. He knocks their Sox off! He just gets better and
better!
GIRLS reenter, this time acting as if they're riding in a car with

JOE as he holds a steering wheel and wears sunglasses. The
poster has a speech bubble reading: I PROMISE THE NEW
MERCURY FOR '55 COVERS ALL THE BASES!
GIRLS
GO, GO JOE
GO, GO KA JOE
GO, JOE, JOE, GO
JOE
Can't I just play baseball?!
GIRLS
GO, GO JOE
GO, GO, IT'S SHOELESS JOE FROM M.O.
Camera FLASH
AD EXECUTIVE
Better!
GLORIA
Crossing the stage
September 6th: Hardy hits hard -- hitting the ball so far out of Fenway Park, it
landed on Cape Cod. Face it, fans -- Shoeless Joe!
Finally, a large sign is wheeled in on a stand. It is JOE featured

on a giant box of Wheaties cereal.
BOYS & GIRLS

ZU, ZU, ZU, ZU!
CAME A LONG, LONG WAY
THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
TO BE WITH US TODAY
I-3-41
JOE
Wheaties! I really eat Wheaties!
BOYS & GIRLS

WITH ARMS AS STRONG AS HERCULES'
JOE finally warms up to the publicity and strikes several poses.
JOE
Got a shot of the uniform? I think I've got a better side.
When the photo-shoot is finished, JOE shakes hands with the AD

EXECUTIVE and PHOTOGRAPHER as they exit. The BOYS salute
JOE and exit. The posters remain as the scene transforms into a
private dressing room. A sink is moved on as JOE stands in front
of it and starts to shave. One of the GIRLS takes his shirt and
hands him a towel. They start to exit.
GIRLS
GO, GO, GO JOE
GO, GO, GO JOE
DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO
DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO
BYE, JOE, BYE OH
BYE, JOE…
I-5-42
ACT I
SCENE FIVE
APPLEGATE enters behind JOE at the sink
APPLEGATE
With all this publicity, you're starting to sound like a prima donna, Joe.
JOE
I'm batting 482. Why can't they leave it at that? Why poke around at my private
life?
APPLEGATE
Because, as a baseball player, you're hot coffee…However, as man who goes
through with a bargain, you leave something to be desired. I followed you last
night and the night before.
JOE
Is there anything wrong with walking around my old neighborhood?
APPLEGATE
You know how I feel about home and wives. It's right down there with mom and
apple pie.
JOE
I love baseball, Mr. Applegate…but I'm homesick. What do you want me to do?
APPLEGATE
You just need a date. Call my service. You wouldn't believe my Rolodex.
JOE
Thanks, Mr. Applegate, but I've got someone. And don't forget -- you don't own
me until after 9:00 on the 24th.
APPLEGATE
But we do know what happens then, don't we?
JOE
What's that?
GLORIA suddenly enters with several REPORTERS.

WELCH pushes his way through them.
GLORIA
Gotcha! Hold it right there! You're not going anywhere! No one's been able to
get an interview with you since you went on that cereal box! We're not letting you
out of our sight until we…
I-5-43
WELCH
Interrupting
Come on! I don't give a damn where we hold this press conference! Come on!
You wiseacres all know me…I'm Adam Welch -- the owner of this goddamn ball
club! I've taken a hell of a lot of heat from you guys over the years…ha ha ha…
and now we've got ourselves a winner…and I damn well expect you to treat him
like one! He's going to be rookie of the year, mark my words!
VAN BUREN
Entering
And he'll be happy to answer any questions you have!
GLORIA
Any questions at all, Joe?
WELCH
Fire away, miss!
GLORIA
to WELCH
Thank you.
to JOE
Then will you please explain to me how it is that no one in Hannibal Missouri has
ever heard of a Joe Hardy?
Rabble amongst the REPORTERS.
APPLEGATE
How are you spelling that, Miss Thorpe?
GLORIA
Well H-A-R-D-Y, for God's sake, how would you spell it?
APPLEGATE
If you did your homework, you'd realize the name's been Americanized from the
old Aztec spelling: C-H-A-R-D-Y-E -- pronounced…
Exaggerating the velar fricative, sending a
little spit in GLORIA and WELCH'S faces
Ccchhhhardy. Any other questions?
REPORTER
Yeah. Do you think Washington can win the pennant?
GLORIA
Yeah, when I win the Pullitzer.
I-5-44
REPORTERS laugh.
JOE
What's so funny? What's so damn funny about Washington winning the pennant?
All we have to do is win games.
WELCH
That's what I want to hear, god damn it!
JOE
Okay, so we're just barely out of the basement, so what? Stranger things have
happened. I mean, you don't really know these guys -- they're some of the best
men playing baseball today. We're starting to play like a new team…we're
climbing up…You haven't seen anything yet!
WELCH
There! Put that in your newspapers, why don't you? If Joe Hardy says it can
happen, then by God it can happen. We'll have that pennant sewed up by the
25th or my name's not Adam Welch!
JOE
That's the last day of the season, isn't it?
APPLEGATE
Yes, I believe we have already discussed that.
JOE
Then I'll just bet we'll have it in the bag by the 24th!
APPLEGATE
Whoops.
I'M NOT HAPPY
GLORIA, WELCH, VAN BUREN, REPORTERS

LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT
FOR SHOELESS JOE, THE BAREFOOT BOY…
APPLEGATE
The Devil is pissed!
APPLEGATE remains onstage as the background blackens and

the scene transforms into his apartment.
I-6-45
ACT I
SCENE SIX
APPLEGATE sits at his desk and dials a rotary phone.
APPLEGATE
Hello, Hell? It's me. … What do you mean "Who?" Who else gets to leave? … Get
me Lola. … Yes, Lola, you better come up right now. … No, NOW, Lola, I am in no
mood to wait!
MUSIC; OFFSTAGE SINGERS. LOLA makes a grand entrance

then moves to the chaise lounge sofa.
WOO-WOO
APPLEGATE
Welcome to our nation's capitol.
LOLA
Cute place. Where are we?
APPLEGATE
My place -- the basement of The Senate.
Moving next to her
What are you doing lounging around?
LOLA
Well, I finished my assignment in Chicago.
APPLEGATE
Chicago?
LOLA
That eighty-year-old meat packer…
APPLEGATE
Oh yes -- him.
LOLA
I got him to embezzle half a million and then I blew every last bit of it for him at
the racetrack. His wife left him, he took to drink and I told him I was through and
pointed out the window and out he went…like clockwise.
APPLEGATE
How high?
LOLA
Twenty-two stories.
I-6-46
APPLEGATE
You couldn't get the penthouse?
LOLA
There was a convention.
APPLEGATE
Oh, damn.
LOLA
Want me to try the Empire State on the next one?
APPLEGATE
Moves to a chair opposite the sofa
I'm not sure how to work it. It may be a straight seduction job. It's this new boy
I just got a hold of. I've done a terrible, foolish thing. I am so angry with myself
I could split a hoof! I let this cornball Real Estate genius talk me into an
escape clause.
LOLA
An escape clause? Joan of Arc didn't get an escape clause.
APPLEGATE
Sinks into the chair miserably
I know, I know.
LOLA
Oh, Chief, are you all right?
APPLEGATE
I've got a lot on my mind. I've been under a lot of strain these days. You try
having lunch every day with Joe McCarthy! Anyway, this is really big -- a mass
torture deal like The Inquisition. I've got thousands of Washington fans just
drooling over the illusion that The Senators could win the pennant.
They laugh
LOLA
Oh, that's scrumptious! There'll be suicides, heart attacks and apoplexy! Just like
the good old days!
APPLEGATE
But that Joe Hardy isn't human…he wants to go back to his wife. For all I know he
could be sneaking out there right this minute.
LOLA
Joe Hardy? You mean Joe Hardy the baseball star?
I-6-47
APPLEGATE
The very one.
LOLA
Gosh, he's under sixty. This could be fun for a change!
LOLA springs up in excitement. APPLEGATE moves back to his

desk.
APPLEGATE
There isn't a home-wrecker on my staff better than you, Lola. But are you sure
you can land him? We never had one like this before. He's cagey. He's square.
He's faithful for God's sake!
LOLA
Oh, c'mon, Chief. You know I got what it takes.
MUSIC
Don't make me brag!
A LITTLE BRAINS, A LITTLE TALENT
LOLA
I TOOK THE ZING OUT OF THE KING OF SIAM
I TOOK THE STARCH OUT OF THE SAILS
OF THE PRINCE OF WALES
IT'S NO GREAT ART GETTING THE START OF A MAN
ON A SILVER PLATTER
A LITTLE TALENT, A LITTLE BRAINS
WITH AN EMPHASIS ON THE LATTER!
I MADE MINCEMEAT OUT OF A SWEET YOUNG FARMER

I KNOCKED THE FIGHT OUT OF A KNIGHT
WHEN I PIERCED HIS ARMOR
AND I'LL BET I CAN UPSET EVERY MALE
IN A YALE REGATTA
A LITTLE BRAINS, A LITTLE TALENT
YOU GOTTA NOW JUST WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO SAY IT

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT GAME TO PLAY AND HOW TO PLAY IT
YOU GOTTA STACK THOSE DECKS
WORTH A COUPLE O' EXTRA ACES
AND THS QUEEN HAS HER ACES
IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES!
I-6-48
LOLA
I'VE DONE MUCH MORE THAN OLD MORE DELILAH
I TOOK THE CURL OUT OF THE HAIR
OF A MILLIONAIRE
THERE'S NO TRICK GETTIN' SOME HICK WHO IS COOL
JUST A LITTLE WARMER
A LITTLE TALENT, A LITTLE BRAINS
WITH AN EMPHASIS ON THE FORMER
SPLIT UP A HOME WAY UP IN NOME, ALASKA

AND WRECKED THE LIFE OF EVERY WIFE
DOWN IN MADAGASCAR
ASK ME WHY WEAK MEN'LL DIE FOR ME
STRONG MEN SIMPLY SHATTER
A LITTLE BRAINS, A LITTLE TALEN
WITH AN EMPHASIS ON THE LATTER
YOU GOTTA KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT TEA TO BREW AND HOW TO BREW IT
YOU'VE SEEN THE SIGN THAT SAYS
"GEORGE WASHINGTON ONCE SLEPT HERE"
WELL THOUGH NOBODY SPIED HIM,
GUESS WHO WAS BESIDE HIM?
BRING ON THAT BOY, HE'LL BE A TOY TO LOLA

JUST ONE MORE CASE SHE CAN ERASE
WITH THAT OLD BOFFOLA
WHAT'S MY PLAN? SAME AS WITH ANY MAN
I'LL USE THE STANDARD PLATTER
PLUS A LITTLE THIS-A, AND A LITTLE THAT-A
I-7-49
ACT I
SCENE SEVEN
MEG is seated in her kitchen with SISTER
SISTER
Well, Clarence left me, y'know, ten or eleven years ago.
MEG
What!
SISTER
Or so I thought. He went to a double header without telling me. There I was with
nothing to do from noon to nearly midnight, no one to talk to, completely alone. I
now look back on that as the happiest day of my married life. But, Megsie, there's
no point in being angry.
MEG
I'm not just angry. I feel confused, betrayed and sad all at the same time.
SISTER
Well it could be worse. What if he didn't walk out? What if he was abducted by
Martians? What if he's lying in some ditch just blubbering out of his mind like in
that movie…
MEG
Sister, please, this isn't helping. Joe's gone and, somehow, I know it's my fault.
SISTER
Well, you can't just sit here staring at cold meat loaf. You've got to get your mind
onto something positive like our hospital benefit.
JOE has entered during the past few lines. He stands outside the
kitchen door, peering through the screen. He listens to the last
bit of their conversation.
MEG
I'm not the committee type, you know that. And I just can't bear to be anybody
these days.
JOE knocks at the door.
MEG
Oh who's that now?
SISTER
You get it. I'm going to check the paper for the Senators' lineup tomorrow
I-7-50
SISTER exits. JOE knocks a second time. MEG crosses to the

door.
MEG
Just a second. Coming!
MEG opens the screen door. She is surprised to see JOE.
MEG
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry -- I thought you were the paperboy.
JOE
No, I came about -- that is -- someone told me you had a room you might be
willing to rent.
MEG
Me? Rent a room?
JOE
Entering the house
Yeah, that's what they said -- some nice fellow down at the corner. I'm looking for
a quiet place.
MEG
Well you certainly found it…but I'm afraid there's been some mistake.
JOE
I wouldn't be any trouble -- I can promise you that.
MEG
No, no, I'm sure you wouldn't. But that's not the case. I'm not renting, Mister --
Mister --
JOE
Extending his hand
Joe…Joe Hardy.
MEG
Joe?
MUSIC. MEG suddenly has tears in her eyes.
JOE
I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?
MEG
You'll have to excuse me for a moment.
I-7-51
MEG runs offstage, sobbing. JOE walks through the kitchen,

looking at the Melmac tableware, picking items up. He sings:
MELMAC
JOE
BUT HE'LL COME BACK TO YOU AGAIN…
SISTER enters with MEG.
SISTER
All I said was, "I'm not so sure, it might not be a bad idea."
Crosses to JOE
I'm her sister, Sister. If you follow my drift. And you would be…?
JOE
Shaking her hand
Joe…I'm Joe --
SISTER
Ecstatic, shaking his hand the whole time
Hardy! You're Joe Hardy, aren't you? Oh my God! It's honest to God Joe!
Honest to God Hardy!
to MEG
Do you know who this is?!
MEG
Apparently not.
SISTER
The greatest thing to happen to The Senators since the franchise, that's all! Joe, I
was at the game yesterday, and that homerun you hit in the seventh, was that an
inside pitch? Was he trying to loosen you up? Oh, yes and that double play in the
third, it looked like you hurt your hand. Did you? Oh! And you want to rent a room
here? You want to live here?! Why, I'd give you my house, my husband and my
entire stamp collection! Oh I would give you anything in the world. Well, of course
we can rent you a room! We'd practically murder somebody to rent you a room!
Wouldn't we, Megsie?
JOE
I wouldn't be a problem. Really I wouldn't.
MEG
It isn't that simple. My husband -- he isn't here now -- or anymore.
I-7-52
JOE
But surely he's coming back?
MEG
I can't go into it, Mr. Hardy. If you were married, you'd understand. Sometimes
married people see too much of each other. Then one day you find you're not
seeing anything anymore. You see everything but the marriage.
JOE
He's coming back.
MEG
How can you be so sure?
SISTER
Because he's a big baseball star -- that's how! And if he knows how to hit a ball
farther than anybody's ever seen before, then he knows Joe will come back. Joe!
Would you consent to appear in our hospital benefit? If we could put up a genuine
star, it wouldn't matter how bad our mambo demonstration is…
MEG
Sister, I don't even think…
APPLEGATE enters, dressed as a fireman, with a fire extinguisher

on his back. He knocks at the screen door.
MEG
Oh now who could that be?
Goes to door
Yes?
APPLEGATE
Fire inspection. Open up in there.
MEG
Fire inspection? But how can that be?
APPLEGATE
We're checking to see that there aren't too many people living in each house -- fire
hazard. Let me in.
MEG opens the door and APPLEGATE enters the kitchen.
JOE
Just a minute here!
I-7-53
APPLEGATE
Back off, I don't need any lip out of you, buddy.
to MEG
Is this your house, lady?
MEG
Yes -- my husband's and mine.
APPLEGATE
Gesturing to JOE
Is he him? I mean, is that your husband?
MEG
No, this is…um…
SISTER
Her boarder! What's it to you?
APPLEGATE
to SISTER
Who are you? The wicked stepsister?
SISTER
I am her sister if it's any of your business. And, anyway, I don't live here.
APPLEGATE
Well, according to my report, this house is home to two adults -- no boarders.
to MEG
Where's your husband?
MEG
You tell me and you can have the house!
APPLEGATE
No thank you. I think Real Estate is a little overrated these days. You got a permit
for this here boarder?
MEG
I have proof of ownership someplace upstairs. Come on, Sister.
MEG starts to take SISTER offstage with her. SISTER peers

closely at APPLEGATE.
SISTER
I could swear I've seen him somewhere. Hmmmm… I think he plays Bingo at the
congregational church!
I-7-54
SISTER and MEG exit. APPLEGATE rounds on JOE.
APPLEGATE
Okay, what do you think you're doing here?
JOE
You can't monitor me, Mr. Applegate. I'm not doing anything wrong.
APPLEGATE
You want to win that pennant? You want to keep hitting that ball, kid?
JOE
To be honest, I'd like to be left alone…sir.
Sits down at the table
APPLEGATE
That's what Adam always used to say. Look…you're just tense…you're over-
wrought. You need to relax and have a few laughs. Now there's someone I'd like
you to meet.
JOE
I'm not interested.
APPLEGATE
Really? Well I went through considerable trouble, Joe Hardy, not only to give you
the chance of a lifetime, but to also introduce you to one of the world's most
fabulous women.
He slams his hand down on the table, causing a
small fire. JOE immediately jumps up.
Whoa! Watch it!
JOE grabs a washcloth, putting the fire out.
APPLEGATE grabs the washcloth from him.
Stop that, they're family! And another thing -- I don't want you involved in any so-
called benefits. This is strictly a sports deal -- it does not include appearances on
American Bandstand. Now don't get me mad!
APPLEGATE kicks the oven. An even bigger fire rises
out of the stove. JOE tries to put that out as well.
Nuts! Look at what you made me do! I'm warning you, Joe Hardy -- no personal
appearances, do you hear me?! I can't stand charity! The very thought makes
me boil!
He sticks his hand in the sink and steam rises.
If I ever calm down again, I'm going to choke your neck! Right now, I'm going out
to cool my jets.
I-7-55
APPLEGATE goes out the door. Sparks fly out from the
extinguisher on his back. He is gone. By now, the room has filled
with smoke. MEG and SISTER enter, the former having the deed
in her hand.
MEG
Here's the deed, mister.
She looks around, then turns to JOE.
Where is he?
JOE
He went out to smoke.
SISTER
Smelling the air
Whew! Megsie! Time to take the rubber gloves to that old oven of yours.
JOE
Mrs. Boyd, about your hospital benefit, I would be proud to help.
MEG
Oh, well, I'm not really involved…but you're more than welcome to…
SISTER
Oh, Joe Hardy! You truly are America's hero!
Overcome with excitement, SISTER gives JOE a big hug.

Her ankle gives out briefly and she drops on him.
SISTER
Oh, sorry. Maybe at our mambo demonstration, you can save that too.
She picks herself up and starts washing the dishes.
JOE
I'm no dancer…I'll get the rest of the team, then.
SISTER
Slowly turning, overly excited
The rest of the team?! THE REST OF THE TEAM!!! Oh, Megsie, we're going to sell
out this benefit for sure! I'm going while I'm ahead. Thanks for dinner and thanks
again, Joe.
Starts to go, suddenly turns
Hey, if I'm going to dance with you, and The Senators, I'm going to stop by Arthur
Murray's and tell him where he can put those little footprints! Olé!
Exits
MEG
Mr. Hardy…about the --
I-7-56
JOE
Can I help with the dishes?
MEG
Are you kidding? If my husband had ever asked that, I'd have passed out!
JOE
Did you ever ask him?
MEG
Oh, you know, he had his baseball games…his Senators…he never noticed.
JOE
Well maybe not. Um -- maybe he didn't know if you wanted help if you didn't ask.
MEG
How'd you get so smart without being married?
MUSIC. MEG and JOE wash the dishes together.
JOE
Um, my parents are a lot like you. They were married at twenty…first loves…they
love each other a lot. I know that they do because, one time, when they were
separated, my dad told me how he really felt.
A MAN DOESN'T KNOW
JOE
A MAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAS UNTIL HE LOSES IT,
WHEN A MAN HAS THE LOVE OF A WOMAN HE ABUSES IT,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I HAD WHEN I HAD MY OLD LOVE,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I HAD 'TILL I SAID, "GOODBYE, OLD LOVE!"
YES, A MAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAS TILL IT IS

NO LONGER AROUND
BUT THE HAPPY THOUGHT IS
WHATEVER IT IS HE'S LOST, MAY SOME DAY ONCE AGAIN BE FOUND!
MEG
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN JOE,
ONLY TOO WELL
FOR I AM LONELY JUST LIKE YOU
LONLEY FOR MY JOE, MY SWEET JOE
HOW REALLY SWEET I NEVER KNEW
I REALLY NEVER KNEW
I-7-57
MEG JOE
A WOMAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
SHE HAS UNTIL SHE LOSES IT,
UNTIL HE LOSES IT
WHEN A WOMAN HAS THE LOVE OF WHEN A MAN HAS LOVE,
A MAN SHE ABUSES IT, HE ABUSES IT
ABUSES IT
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I HAD I DIDN'T KNOW,
WHEN I HAD MY OLD LOVE, I DIDN'T KNOW, MY LOVE,
MY OLD LOVE
I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I HAD
TILL I SAID, "GOODBYE OLD LOVE!" TILL I SAID, "GOODBYE, OLD LOVE!"
YES, A
WOMAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE A MAN DOESN'T
HAS TILL IT IS KNOW TILL IT IS
NO LONGER AROUND NO LONGER AROUND
BUT THE HAPPY THOUGHT IS, BUT THE HAPPY THOUGHT IS,
WHATEVER IT IS SHE'S LOST WHATEVER IT IS HE'S LOST
MAY SOMEDAY ONCE AGAIN MAY SOMEDAY ONCE AGAIN
BE FOUND! BE FOUND!
I-8-58
ACT I
SCENE EIGHT
Locker room. SENATORS are ecstatic. ROCKY enters, singing:
ROCKY
WE GOT SO MUCH HEART
THAT WE TORE THE YANKS APART!
Shouts, cheers, etc. SMOKEY enters in his underwear.
SMOKEY
Hey, I bet it's my lucky shorts! So today I decided to wear them all.
He starts peeling off his shorts, counting all the pairs he has on
One…two…three…
HENRY
How many pairs do you have on?
SMOKEY
Eleven. I can't bend over, but I still fanned seven batters in a row!
VERNON
Hey, Smoke, did you see Dawson throw down his glove when I hit that three-two
pitch?
SMOKEY
Oh, it feels so good! Senators: 9, well-known Yankees: 2! I'm going to memorize
that!
VAN BUREN and WELCH enter
VAN BUREN
All I said was: if it's for a good cause like a hospital for God's sake, then I don't
suppose it would do any harm.
WELCH
Now listen. A celebrity appearance is one thing…but, get this straight, Benny -- a
month from now, after the season is over!
VAN BUREN
Ah, sometimes I think Joe is fourteen years old…sometimes I think he's fifty.
WELCH
What has that got to do with anything? God damn it!
WELCH exits. BUBBA approaches VAN BUREN.

I-8-59
BUBBA
Mr. Van Buren, what did Mr. Welch think of that double play?
VAN BUREN
He thought it was quite an effort, Bubba. Even though we already had two outs.
BUBBA
Wow! Maybe now I can finally ask for my own locker! One day, all of this will be
mine!
BUBBA opens his locker. GLORIA is inside. BUBBA panics.

The rest of the PLAYERS are not amused.
SENATORS
Gloria…
GLORIA
Jumping out of the locker
Air Wick! Somebody get this boy some Air Wick!
VAN BUREN
Gloria! What are you doing in the locker?!
GLORIA
I'm getting quotes for my column.
SENATORS
Shaking their heads
Yeah, sure…
GLORIA
I swear to God, just quotes for my column, that's all!
VAN BUREN
What did I tell you about this?
GLORIA
Benny, this locker room is always crawling with press. I'm as good a sports writer
as anybody in Washington. If it's all right for them, why isn't it all right for me?
VAN BUREN
How many times do I have to spell it out? You're a woman…some things in life
belong to men…some things belong to women. Men's locker rooms belong to
men! Get it?
VAN BUREN pulls GLORIA downstage

I-8-60
GLORIA
Yeah I get it…but if it doesn't matter to me, what possible difference is it going to
make to anybody else?
SOHOVIK enters in a towel, not noticing GLORIA.
SOHOVIK
Hey, guys, do you know what we earned today? Respect! We finally showed
them who we are…
He starts to drop his towel.
VAN BUREN
Sohovik!!
SOHOVIK turns with his towel open. VAN BUREN and GLORIA
see him naked…the audience does not. He quickly ducks behind
the bench as his towel hits the floor.
SOHOVIK
Gloria!! Oh!! Why didn't somebody tell me?! She saw, you guys! She saw it!
He picks up the bench, covering himself
She saw me…my everything…Oh my God…
The other PLAYERS cover him. They help him get his towel back
on. He puts the bench down and sits on it, covering his face with
another towel in embarrassment.
VAN BUREN
See what I mean, Gloria, see what can happen? Now what can you possibly say
to a ball player under circumstances like that?
GLORIA
to SOHOVIK
Are you busy Thursday night?
SOHOVIK runs offstage.
VAN BUREN
You're out, Gloria! Permanently!
GLORIA
That's not fair!
VAN BUREN
Fair or not, I can't risk any more…
APPLEGATE crosses the stage. GLORIA stops him.

I-8-61
GLORIA
Hey, bad news for you, Applesauce!
APPLEGATE
It's gate, Miss Thorpe, AppleGATE. And what's bad?
GLORIA
Well, your boy played great out there today, but…
APPLEGATE
But…his batting average went up four more points; he's batting 524 -- no "buts" at
all.
GLORIA
It's all just hunky-dory isn't it? Except for my research -- apparently there isn't a
single old Aztec living in Missouri. What do you suggest I do now?
APPLEGATE
Try Mayan…Ancient Mayan…spelling under 'X', I believe.
GLORIA
'X'?
VAN BUREN
Like in X-it…Vamoose…Get out!
VAN BUREN shoves GLORIA offstage. APPLEGATE calls after

her:
APPLEGATE
Or get married and make some nice, deserving, young man absolutely miserable.
JOE enters. The other PLAYERS cheer him on, then start to leave,
saying good night to one another. APPLEGATE goes to JOE,
cheering alongside with the PLAYERS. JOE starts changing.
APPLEGATE
Joe, did we show those Yanks today or what?
JOE
Hey, guys, we take that double header tomorrow -- perfect!
APPLEGATE and JOE are alone onstage.
APPLEGATE
Oh, you will, I feel it in my bones. Joe, did you notice that charming, young woman
sitting in the box with me?
I-8-62
JOE
Yeah I saw her.
APPLEGATE
She'd like an autograph. I'll just bring her in.
JOE
But I don't have any pants on.
APPLEGATE
She'll feel right at home.
Calls off
Lola!
to JOE
Joe, please be a little patient with her, will you? Her English is not very good.
JOE
Mr. Applegate, I've got kind of an appointment at home tonight. I know you don't
like it when I…
APPLEGATE
Don't be ridiculous, Joe, all I want is to make you happy. And speaking of making
you happy, I'd like you to meet a big fan of yours -- a visitor to our country. Miss
Lola…uh…Banana…from South America!
MUSIC. Enter LOLA in an exotic dress, speaking with an

incredibly thick and incredibly fake Latin accent.
LOLA
How do you do, Mr. Ccchhhhhardy?
JOE
How do you do? Happy to meet you.
LOLA
Likewise I am muy sure.
APPLEGATE
You know, suddenly, all I can think of is a hot dog.
Aside
Boy, that was close. Five minutes sooner and she would've had a shot of the
naked guy!
He exits.
JOE
Mr. Applegate, please! I mean I can't…
LOLA
Oh, oh, choo are uncomfortable with Lola, jes?
I-8-63
JOE
Yes.
LOLA
Ah…
JOE
No! I mean I'm just a little…
LOLA
Oh, no, no, no, no the truth is, it is Lola who does not know how to speak to a big
hero like-a choo, Joe.
JOE
Gesundheit.
LOLA
Hmm?
JOE
Uh, pardon?
LOLA
In my country, choo are as famous as Xavier Cugat!
JOE
What country is that?
LOLA
Oh, just "Sous" America in general. I get around muy mucho.
JOE
Look, Miss Banana, I'm afraid I --
LOLA
Lola, Joe, just Lola, please. I think we should become to know each other better.
JOE
Okay…Lola.
LOLA
Joe…choo are so sexy when choo says that!
Deepening her voice
"Lola."
Seductively
Ooh! Choo make me shiver all over! When some men says things to me like, "I
love choo…Choo are so beautiful…I would die for choo…!" And it means nada.
But choo say "Lola" and suddenly I feel like a little niña!
I-8-64
JOE
Right. Well, I really should be going…
LOLA
Handing him a pen
I want chour atutograph!
JOE
Oh, sure. Where do I sign?
LOLA
Points to her bare back
Aqui.
JOE
What do I write?
LOLA
As JOE repeats her, writing
"To Lola…my biggest fan…in all of "Sous" America…including Columbia…Venezuela
…Argentina…"
JOE'S autograph eventually wraps around her body to her breasts.

On "Argentina", she throws her arms up like Eva Perón.
JOE
Miss Banana!
LOLA
Choo like music? Dancing, Joe?
She accompanies these questions with appropriate movement of

the hips.
JOE
Well, I used to play the drums.
LOLA
My favorite!
She hops up on a bench, shouts in rhythm:
Boom! Boom! Boom! Boomshakalakalaka! Boomshakalakalaka! Etc.
She looks down at the floor, screams:
Aaaaiiiyyyeeee!!! Help me down?
LOLA looks at JOE from the bench as if from a precipice. He

offers his hand, but she pulls him to her and puts her arm around
his neck. She slides safely down him.
I-8-65
LOLA
Gracias. Hey, Joe, maybe we go to my place, si?
JOE
Gee, I'm not too sure what Mr. Van Buren would say about that.
LOLA
He say choo lucky boy.
JOE
No, I really should go home. We have this rule we're supposed to be in bed by
eleven.
LOLA
Ah, that's all right. Choo come to Lola's, choo be in bed sooner than that!
JOE
Seriously. I should go. It's not…
MUSIC
LOLA
Choo be a good boy, Joe. And do like Lola tells choo to do.
WHATEVER LOLA WANTS (LOLA GETS)
LOLA
WHATEVER LOLA WANTS, LOLA GETS
AND LITTLE MAN, LITTLE LOLA WANTS YOU
MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO HAVE NO REGRETS
RECLINE YOURSELF, RESIGN YOURSELF, YOU'RE THROUGH
I ALWAYS GET WHAT I AIM FOR

AND YOUR HEART AND SOUL IS WHAT I AIM FOR
WHATEVER LOLA WANTS, LOLA GETS

NO USE TO FIGHT, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T WIN?
YOU'RE NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE
I'M "IRREESEESTIBLE", YOU FOOL
GEEVE IN! GEEVE IN! GEEVE IN!
{CHASE SEQUENCE}
LOLA entices JOE in a Cat & Mouse game, attacking him,

climbing on top of him, riding him around, teasing, losing pieces
of her clothing and stuffing them in his mouth. She adlibs various
Hispanic phrases.
I-8-66
LOLA
Oh my clothes!
Choo like my ruffles?
Oh, Joe!
Ah yah yah
Go, Joe!
Oh, Joe…here I am!
Ohh! Aye! Ooh! Uhh!
Open wide!
My hero!
Toro!
Olé!
Sings
I ALWAYS GET WHAT I AIM FOR
AND YOUR HEART AND SOUL IS WHAT I AIM FOR
LOLA WANTS
LOLA GETS
YOU'LL NEVER WIN
I'M IRREESEESTIBLE, YOU FOOL
GEEVE IN
GEEVE IN
GEEVE IN
Spoken
Now tell me, Joe, isn't this like a cold beer on a hot day?
JOE
Lola, if it were you I promised to come home to, you'd want me to, right?
LOLA
If it were up to me, Joe, you wouldn't leave home in the first place.
JOE
Seriously…this is about Meg.
LOLA
Meg?
JOE
You're really sort of amazing and everything, and I honestly wish I were two
different people. But I'm not. I'm one…and he's married.
JOE exits. APPLEGATE enters from the opposite direction.
APPLEGATE
What in the world kind of turn-of-the-century burlesque do you call that?
Mocking her
"Geeve in!" "Geeve in!" Bizet cut that out of 'Carmen', honey!
I-8-67
LOLA
I was wrong. He is different.
APPLEGATE
But you said you could land him. You let me down, Lola. You realize you're gonna
have to pay for that.
LOLA
Oh, c'mon, chief, all I need is a little time.
APPLEGATE
Time? Time is what we don't have. If I don't find some way to stop him, he might
well have this pennant sewn up by the 24th, and still be able to go back to that wife
of his, and I'll look like a nice guy. Ugh! Now, let me think…
Looks through his notebook
Savonarola…scabies…scandal…Shifty McCoy… That's it! That's perfect!
MUSIC (ACT I FINALE)
LOLA
Who's Shifty McCoy?
APPLEGATE
He took a bribe in the Mexican League about four years ago. He threw a game
and they banned him. I've been saving him for a special occasion and this is it! I
can easily pass off Joe as Shifty McCoy and blacken his name so bad you could
tar roofs with it! So much for the pennant, so much for the wife!
LOLA
What's she like anyway?
APPLEGATE
Well, you know, that's interesting. Do you know how she got him?
LOLA
No, how?
APPLEGATE
She never, and I mean never, not in all their years of dating and courting and
engagement…she never ever once went…"GEEVE IN!"
The lights turn red and the music becomes more dramatic.
LOLA
Oh, chief! What are you doing?
APPLEGATE
It's Payday, Lola!
I-8-68
LOLA
Oh, Chief! Please! Oh please don't! No!
APPLEGATE
Bye for now!
LOLA
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…!!!
APPLEGATE
Whatever Lola wants? That's what Lola gets when she screws with The Devil!
Smoke rises. LOLA disappears through the floor and back into
Hell. APPLEGATE laughs manically. The lights go crazy.
APPLEGATE'S laughter can still be heard, gradually fading away
as THE CURTAIN CLOSES.
END OF ACT I
II-1-69
ACT II
SCENE ONE
ENTR'ACTE
CURTAIN RISES. LIGHTS UP. Backstage at the auditorium of the

Hospital, SISTER, dressed in Latin flare is rehearsing the Mambo
with the SENATORS. A NURSE sits at the piano, playing it out.
Several other NURSES are gathered around, setting up stage
lights and a large banner that reads "WASHINGTON GENERAL
HOSPITAL BENEFIT."
BAD MAMBO -- PART 1
SISTER
Again!
Sings
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
AND A CUPCAKE ROUND THE WORLD
AND UGH!
AND A JELLY ROLL
AND KILL THE ROACH
IF THERE'S A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
LET HIM OUT
AND A HOOTCHY GOO AND A HOOTCHY GOO
AND ONE AND A TWO AND A HOOCH
AND A HUH!
SOHOVIC DON'T FORGET TO SMILE
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
AND BUBBA'S ALWAYS IN MY WAY
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
LIFT ME UP AND SPIN ME AROUND
AND PUT ME DOWN UGH!
The SENATORS mess up the whole routine. A few feet get

stepped on. BUBBA ends up under SISTER'S dress as she is
placed down by two other SENATORS.
BUBBA
Lady! Let me out!
SISTER motions for the PIANO PLAYER to stop as she addresses

the men. The other NURSES intervene.
II-1-70
SISTER
People! People! This is not supposed to look lewd! If we're not careful, we're
going to make fools of ourselves at this benefit. Let's take a quick break to finish
setting the stage and then get right back into the dance! Can someone bring me
some water please?
A NURSE hands her a cup of water. SISTER quickly drinks it.
Thank you, Rita!
MEG enters with a newspaper. The SENATORS break to help set

the stage. SISTER grabs a clipboard.
MEG
I cannot believe what they're saying in this article. The whole town is behind Joe.
They know an O.K. guy when they see one. And so do I. But just read this!
SMOKEY
Joe ain't done nothin' wrong.
HENRY
Mexican League -- phooey!
VERNON
I bet the Yankees are behind this whole thing.
ROCKY
Yeah. They're scared of us!
SMOKEY
I wouldn't be surprised if that wise Gloria Thorpe dame has something to do with
this too. She oughtta be run outta town!
SISTER
Stop it! This is called rehearsing!
MEG
Reading
"And as of today, still no comment from Joe Hardy."
SISTER
These boys have no professional discipline whatsoever.
MEG
Who would accuse Joe Hardy of fraud?
II-1-71
SISTER
I will if he doesn't help save this benefit. And Arthur Murray's instructor is
supposed to come help give us a little polish. But I'm afraid there isn't that much
polish. We need Joe!
MEG
They're one game in front with two games left in the season and everyone is
saying he's Shifty McCoy -- I don't think he's overly concerned with our benefit.
SISTER
Without Joe as our celebrity, we have no benefit.
MEG
Without Joe, we have no Senators either.
SISTER
Yes, but where could I possibly find a substitute celebrity this late?
APPLEGATE enters wearing sunglasses.
APPLEGATE
We came for reporter Gloria Thorpe, has anyone seen her?
DEL
Not me.
SISTER
Not recognizing APPLEGATE
Are you anybody?
APPLEGATE
Not a soul.
SISTER
All right, boys, line up, we're doing it again.
APPLEGATE beckons LOLA onstage through a puff of smoke.
APPLEGATE
Now let that be a lesson to you, Lola, don't do that again. Now let's get cracking.
APPLEGATE exits. LOLA follows but MEG stops her.
MEG
Oh, excuse me, you aren't with Arthur Murray by any chance, are you?
II-1-72
LOLA
Well, you know, I'm practically with everyone else. But he's really old.
MEG
Well…it's just that…I wouldn't hurt my sister's feelings for anything in the world,
but -- that mambo of hers -- it's -- it's living hell.
LOLA
Trust me, she's got a ways to go.
MEG
Well, I'm sorry to bother you.
She turns and bumps into ROCKY, moving towards the piano.
ROCKY
Oh, sorry, Meg.
LOLA hears her name said and is struck. She goes to MEG.
MEG
Handing the newspaper to some of the SENATORS
Oh, boys, have you seen this?
LOLA
Are you Meg Boyd?
MEG
Sorry, do I know you?
LOLA
Not really -- but I've seen your husband.
MEG
You have?
Looks at her suspiciously
Oh -- I guess it never occurred to me…
LOLA
No, no, it's not like that!
MEG
I don't want to be rude. You'll have to excuse me.
MEG exits. APPLEGATE reenters.

II-1-73
APPLEGATE
Counseling the loved one, are you? You don't pretend to have any real experience,
do you?
LOLA
Oh, come on, you said yourself she's neutral territory. Have a --
APPLEGATE
Heart? Bad idea. Cardinal rule: never feel sorry for anybody, remember? Now
start looking for Gloria Thorpe. I've got my scandal cooking, but unless she
presses for him before the commission, it's just a lot of talk. Let's get going.
We've got work to do, move it!
APPLEGATE and LOLA exit. VAN BUREN and JOE enter.
VAN BUREN
Use your head, Joe! Even if this Shifty McCoy thing is false, you're all over the
newspapers. If we win tomorrow, we've sewn up the pennant on the 24th like you
predicted. So keep a low profile. No personal appearances until after tomorrow.
JOE
Mr. Van Buren, I promised these people I'd give them a hand and I'm going to. If I
hide, I'll just end up looking guilty. Has anybody seen Meg -- I mean -- Mrs. Boyd?
JOE runs off. VAN BUREN follows him off.
VAN BUREN
Joe! Come on! Joe!
SISTER reenters. She motions the PIANO PLAYER to begin again

and the SENATORS fall into formation. MUSIC.
SISTER
Here we go!
BAD MAMBO -- PART 2
SISTER
AND A JELLY ROLL AND A JELLY ROLL
AND A TUMMY ACHE AND A
LEFT RIGHT KICK THE DOG
RIGHT LEFT KICK THE CAT
DUCK WALK DUCK WALK DUCK WALK…
SISTER leads the SENATORS dancing offstage in a line. ROCKY,

SOHOVIK and SMOKEY linger as GLORIA enters.
II-1-74
ROCKY
Hey, Gloria, this ain't the locker room.
SOHOVIK
Aw, that's it, now I've lost count!
ROCKY
What are you doing here?
GLORIA
I'm looking for Joe Hardy. I'm going to get to the bottom of this Shifty McCoy
business or I'm going straight to the commissioner.
SMOKEY
Can't you see we're in the middle of a dance rehearsal?
SMOKEY and ROCKY exit.
SOHOVIK
If Joe is Shifty McCoy, then I'm Dumbo!
SOHOVIK exits. APPLEGATE reenters.
APPLEGATE
Ah, Woman of the Year! Nice scoop, Miss Thorn.
GLORIA
Apple Juice!
APPLEGATE
It's Gate!
GLORIA
It's Thorpe! You know, I never would've put that Aztec thing together with Shifty
McCoy of the Mexican League if it hadn't been for you. But I just can't figure your
angle on this.
APPLEGATE
Well it's just a rumor at the moment with nothing behind it. Would they call the
commission?
GLORIA
Would you testify?
APPLEGATE
Call me.
II-1-75
GLORIA
I'll get The Commissioner on the phone!
GLORIA exits. APPLEGATE picks up a newspaper and goes

incognito as WELCH and VAN BUREN reenter.
WELCH
Where's Joe?
VAN BUREN
We can't find him. He's somewhere around here, that's for sure.
WELCH
What a hell of a mess this is! The baseball commissioner has called a hearing for
tomorrow morning. If he can clear himself, fine. Otherwise, we are in some
serious trouble.
VAN BUREN
Why did he insist on appearing at this benefit tonight? A sitting duck for Christ's
sake!
WELCH
Once this is over, he can be admitted to the goddamn hospital for all I care. What
the hell is wrong with him?
VAN BUREN
Ah, it's always the same with these young players. They win a couple of games
and they think they're Ty Cobb. One of these days, one of these bonus babies is
gonna start holding us up for money!
WELCH
Oh, bah! This is baseball, not show business.
They exit.
APPLEGATE
Inspired…I'm suddenly inspired. I just got the nastiest idea for 1994. Come on,
Lola.
APPLEGATE exits. LOLA crosses the stage and follows him.

JOE reenters and stops her.
JOE
Please, Miss Banana, it's nothing personal. But you're a friend of Mr. Applegate's.
II-1-76
LOLA
No, not really, Joe, I just work for him. Look, before I met Mr. Applegate, I was the
ugliest woman in Providence, Rhode Island. I'm nearly two hundred and forty-
eight years old.
JOE
Wow! I don't believe it!
LOLA
Okay…two hundred and fifty. Look, Joe, whether you know it or not, you need a
friend. I can be your friend.
JOE
You're right. I don't get Mr. Applegate at all. What does he want?
LOLA
Joe, listen, if you clench the pennant tomorrow like you promised, you can still
walk away scot-free. No one's ever done that before and he's not about to let it
happen. I've got to go.
LOLA turns to exit; suddenly MEG reenters.
MEG
Oh, Joe! Thank God you've come! My sister just twisted her ankle and we don't
have a finale for the show.
SISTER is carried on, in pain, by some of the SENATORS.

WELCH and VAN BUREN reenter.
WELCH
There you are, Joe! The baseball commissioner's called a hearing before the
game tomorrow. We've got to get you ready to testify!
SISTER
No celebrity, no finale, no benefit! This is just the worst day of my life. I couldn't
even pull off this stupid mambo thing.
JOE
Wait a minute…I know someone who's great at South American dances!
He pushes LOLA center stage.
LOLA
You've got to be kidding…
MEG
Oh…do you think you could help us?
II-1-77
LOLA
Well, it's just not something I've really ever tried.
MEG
Dancing?
LOLA
No, helping.
VAN BUREN
Come on, Joe, let's go!
WELCH
There's practically no time to plan your defense!
MEG
You've got to go, Joe. Don't worry about us. No matter what happens, we believe
in you.
JOE
I just can't walk out on these people.
MEG
You look like you could do anything if you really wanted…anything.
LOLA
No, Mrs. Boyd, you're one up on me in that department.
JOE
Lola, please, for me? Friend?
SISTER
I'd offer you the services of these ballplayers, but I might as well face it -- my boys
don't want to do it.
SENATORS
Oh yes we do! Etc!
Some of the SENATORS carry SISTER off. LOLA approaches the

SENATORS remaining onstage.
LOLA
Well…who wants to dance?
SENATORS
I do! Me! Etc.
II-1-78
MUSIC. A glittering curtain cuts off half the stage. The LIGHTS
go out and a SPOTLIGHT shines on JOE as he appears in front of
the curtain with a microphone.
JOE
We'd like to take a moment to thank you all for standing by us these past few
days. We know it gets pretty crazy between what happens on the ball field and
what happens in the newspapers. Although I promised the guys I wouldn't tell any
jokes up here, I also told them that I would thank you…for being the greatest fans
any team has ever had. But tonight's not about baseball, it's about all the people
who work here at the hospital…and all of you who contributed so generously to it.
We had some entertainment planned tonight but our choreographer twisted her
ankle doing the mambo. Boy, a hospital benefit…was she with the right crowd or
what? As for the team, we have a good friend with us who knows a lot about this
kind of pain and she wants us to try her prescription. Here's Miss Lola Banana
and her…well…bunch!
JOE exits. LOLA enters in her Mambo costume, later joined by

more SENATORS.
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
LOLA
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
I DON'T KNOW WHO, DO YOU?
LOLA, ROCKY
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO
SOMEONE MUST BE SICK WITH THE HEAT

OR STEPPING ON EVERYONE'S FEET
BUT IF EVERYONE'S FEELING OKAY,
WHY DON'T THEY JUST SAY, "O-LAY",
WHEN THE MUSIC CARRIES THEM AWAY?

II-1-79
ALL
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
LOLA
LOLA, HENRY
UGH!
UGH!
IF THERE'S A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE,
POINT HIM OUT!
FOR THERE IS AN ELEMENT OF DOUBT
AS TO…
LOLA, HENRY, VERNON

WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY GO UGH!!!
ALL
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
UGH! UGH!
UGH! UGH!
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN?
I DON'T KNOW WHO!
DO YOU?
II-2-80
ACT II
SCENE TWO
Immediately following the benefit, GLORIA and VAN BUREN are

in the middle of a heated argument in the locker room.
GLORIA
You want to know why? I'll tell you why -- because I happen to value the good
name of baseball more than a victory for my own team, that's why! And there's
something strange about all this, so don't blame me!
VAN BUREN
And as a result, Joe goes before The Commissioner tomorrow, and we don't know
if he'll be cleared by game time. What kind of victory do you call that?
GLORIA
What's the difference? It's all publicity for you! You better wise up, Benny -- this
could be big trouble for you!
VAN BUREN
Well I got a story for you -- whether Joe plays with us tomorrow or not, these guys
are going to play red-hot baseball and you're going to cover it in the only place
that you're welcome.
GLORIA
Where's that?
VAN BUREN
The bleachers!
They exit as half of the SENATORS enter, changing out of their

costumes.
VERNON
Man that benefit was fun! Lola's a fine teacher!
HENRY
Hey, where's the beer? Somebody get down to the bar quick and find some!
ROCKY
Somebody find Lola too while you're at it!
MICKEY
What are we supposed to do with these costumes?
II-2-81
BUBBA
I'm gonna wear mine in the off-season.
The other half of the SENATORS enters. Some still dancing and
singing "Who's Got The Pain", shouting adlibbed Hispanic
phrases.
SOHOVIK
Hey one more game, two more days and we can wear whatever we want.
SMOKEY
What if they nail Joe? I saw his wallet; I don't think he's got a social security card.
MICKEY
Or even a permanent address.
BUBBA
Lola's a close friend…that’s good enough for me!
They all cheer. VAN BUREN reenters, interrupting them.
VAN BUREN
Hey! Just in case you didn't hear what Gloria just said, the fun's over and so is the
honeymoon. No more dancing, no more clowning around, no more nuthin. Now
we…we may be playing without Joe tomorrow. And if we have to, we have to.
And it means getting a hell of a lot tougher than we've ever been before. So you
better start doing what Joe does -- nuthin. Now get your gear and get home…
and get to bed! We got a big day tomorrow.
Exits
SOHOVIK
Benny's right. Look what clean living did for Joe's game. No drinking, no women,
no late hours… We've got to emul…emula…emu…liquor…well, we've got to clean
up our act! Remember the rules.
HENRY
Hey, we've got rules about women now?
SMOKEY
No, rules without women. Look, no matter whatever happens to Joe tomorrow,
concentration will get us through.
Some aren't listening; he gets their attention

Hey, we've got to concentrate, guys!
II-2-82
ROCKY
No beer, no distractions, no women…
OZZIE
No late hours, no good luck charms…
SOHOVIK
No women…
THE GAME
SOHOVIK
We've got to keep our minds on the game
Sings
WE'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT THE GAME
ALL
THE GAME, THE GAME
WE'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT THE GAME
THE GAME, THE GAME
SOHOVIK
BOOZE AND BROADS MAY BE GREAT
SMOKEY
THO' THEY'RE GREAT THEY'LL HAVE TO WAIT
ALL
WHILE WE THINK ABOUT THE GAME
SOHOVIK
THERE WAS THAT WAITRESS BACK IN KANSAS CITY
BUILT FOR COMFORT, DUMB BUT PRETTY
BUBBA
YEAH? YEAH?
SOHOVIK
MAN, HER PERFUME SURE DID SMELL SWEET
GOT HER UP TO MY HOTEL SUITE!
ALL
YEAH? YEAH?
SOHOVIK
SHE KILLS A PINT OF GIN, MORE OR LESS
THE LIGHTS ARE LOW AND SHE SLIPS OFF HER DRESS
II-2-83
ALL
YEAH? YEAH? YEAH? YEAH?
SOHOVIK
BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
ALL
THE GAME! THE GAME!
SOHOVIK
OH YES, I THOUGHT I ABOUT THE GAME!
ALL
THE GAME! THE GAME!
SOHOVIK
THOUGH I GOT THE LADY HIGH
I JUST LEFT HER HIGH AND DRY
'CAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
SMOKEY
THERE WAS THAT PULLMAN CAR THAT I GOT LOST IN
ON A SLEEPER OUT OF BOSTON
ALL
YEAH? YEAH?
SMOKEY
COMPARTMENT DOORS ALL LOOK THE SAME THERE
WALK IN ONE AND THERE'S THIS DAME THERE
ALL
YEAH? YEAH?
SMOKEY
BLONDE AND STACKED AND ABSOLUTELY BARE
AND NOTHIN' SEPARATIN' US BUT AIR!
ALL
YEAH? YEAH? YEAH? YEAH?
SMOKEY
BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
ALL
THE GAME! THE GAME!
II-2-84
SMOKEY
OH YES, I THOUGHT I ABOUT THE GAME!
ALL
THE GAME! THE GAME!
SMOKEY
THOUGH MY HEART SAID, "STAY FOR TEA"
ALL I SAID WAS, "PARDON ME"
'CAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
ALL
HE THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
BOMBER
WHEN A CHICK GIVES YOU THE EYE
ALL
REMEMBER -- REFRAIN!
DEL
WHEN YOU'RE DYIN' FOR SOME RYE
ALL
REMEMBER -- ABSTAIN!
ROCKY
IF YOU'RE LOSING AT CRAPS AND THE CLOCK SAYS IT'S ELEVEN
AND SUDDENLY, EACH ROLL YOU ROLL --
ALL
HUH!
ROCKY
-- COMES UP A SEVEN
AND YOU'RE IN THAT KIND OF DIVE WHEN MEN ARE MEN
ALL
BE POLITE, SAY "GOOD NIGHT"
YOU SHOULD BE IN BED BY TEN!
BUBBA
WHEN YOUR MOTHER BAKES YOU CAKES
ALL
REMEMBER -- STAY THIN!
II-2-85
HENRY
WHEN YOU'RE KISSIN' TILL IT ACHES
ALL
REMEMBER -- DON'T GIVE IN!
EVERY RULE WE SHALL OBEY TO BE SURE
CUZ TO WIN, WE'VE GOT TO STAY GOOD AND PURE
GOOD AND PURE!
BOMBER
HEY, OZ…
REMEMBER THOSE CHICKS WE TOOK A RIDE WITH?
OZZIE
OPERATIN' SIDE BY SIDE WITH!
ALL
YEAH? YEAH?
BOMBER
WE'RE OUT OF GAS, THREE MILES FROM PHILLY
OZZIE
NIGHT IS WARM, THE SKY'S A DILLY
ALL
YEAH? YEAH?
OZZIE
SO I SUGGEST WE SLEEP BENEATH A TREE
BOMBER
WITH NO ONE THERE, BUT OZ, THE CHICKS, AND ME
ALL
YEAH? YEAH? YEAH?
BOMBER
So there we are, laying under the tree…
OZZIE
Four minds with a single thought…
BOMBER
I look at my girl…
II-2-86
OZZIE
And I look at mine…
BOTH
But then with one fell swoop…
ALL
BUT THEN THEY THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
OZZIE & BOMBER

THE GAME! THE GAME!
ALL
OH YES, THEY THOUGHT ABOUT THE GAME!
OZZIE & BOMBER

THE GAME! THE GAME!
ALL
TO OUR WOMEN ONE AND ALL
WE WILL SEE YOU IN THE FALL
BUT FOR NOW WE'VE GOT TO STALL EVERY DAME
AND THINK ABOUT THE GAME
THINK ABOUT THE GAME
THINK ABOUT THE
THINK ABOUT THE
THINK ABOUT THE
THINK ABOUT THE
THINK ABOUT THE GAME!!!
II-3-87
ACT II
SCENE THREE
Later that night, MEG is in her bedroom on the phone with JOE,
calling from a payphone somewhere else.
MEG
But there is absolutely no reason for you to give up your room here, Joe. I don’t
give a damn what people think. Are you all right?
JOE
I'm fine, Meg. I think it's just better for you until I get my name cleared. God, I
don't know how I got into all of this! You don't think I'm Shifty McCoy, do you?
MEG
I know you're not. You're not the least bit shifty. You're moody. Now if they called
you Moody McCoy or even Dishes McCoy…
JOE
I'm serious, Meg. I've made up my mind. I'm going to see Mr. -- someone first
thing in the morning. I've just got to clear my name before I disappear.
MEG
Disappear? What on Earth are you talking about, disappearing? You've got a
pennant to clench and a world series to win. Do you know how important that is?
Do you?
JOE
I didn't think you liked baseball.
MEG
I never took the time to try. There are a lot of things I'm beginning to think I
should have done differently. But I've heard enough about disappearing, I can tell
you that much to last a lifetime…maybe two lifetimes…
JOE
Don't worry about me, Meg. Take care of yourself.
MEG
Joe, listen, I…Lola kind of got me thinking. My Joe, maybe he hasn't disappeared.
Maybe it's something else…you…I think I'm losing my mind. See, I get angry about
him…I get really angry and then I see you…and I talk to you…and somehow…I get
all mixed up. What's happening to me?
II-3-88
JOE
I gotta go, Meg. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing in the world. Sometimes
we're not supposed to know everything. You've got to listen to your own instincts,
you know? I'll just bet your husband is nearer to you than you can imagine.
MEG
Joe, is everything okay?
JOE
Everything is going to be fine, Meg. Get some sleep.
JOE hangs up. MEG winds her clock three times and goes to
sleep. Suddenly, a ghostly image of JOE BOYD appears in her
window. Both OLD JOE and YOUNG JOE sing to her from afar in
the next number.
NEAR TO YOU
OLD JOE
HE'S NEAR TO YOU
NEAR TO YOU
THOUGH YOU THINK HE'S FAR AWAY
HE'S NEAR TO YOU
SO NEAR TO YOU
AS NEAR AS APRIL IS TO MAY
YOUNG JOE OLD JOE

CAN'T YOU FEEL HIM THERE
IN HIS FAVORITE CHAIR?
STARING AT THE FIRE PLACE?
NEAR TO YOU
OH SO NEAR TO YOU
ALWAYS NEAR TO YOU
NEAR TO YOU
WHY YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE
FACE TO FACE FACE TO FACE
MEG OLD JOE YOUNG JOE

FOR IT'S JUST AS
THOUGH JUST AS THOUGH
HE WERE STANDING
AS CLOSE AS I
AS I
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO
IMAGINE
BUT TRY
II-3-89
MEG OLD JOE YOUNG JOE

IF HE'S REALLY IF HE'S REALLY IF HE'S REALLY
DEAR, DEAR TO ME DEAR TO YOU DEAR TO YOU
HE'S NEAR TO YOU HE'S NEAR TO YOU
YOU MAY BE FAR APART YOU MAY BE FAR APART
AND YET AND YET
IF HE'S IN YOUR HEART
REALLY IN YOUR HEART
HOW NEAR TO YOU
CAN HE GET?
FOR IT'S JUST AS
THOUGH JUST AS
JUST AS THOUGH HE WERE
HE WERE STANDING THOUGH STANDING
SO CLOSE AS CLOSE AS I AS CLOSE AS I
SO CLOSE, I KNOW IT'S
HARD TO IMAGINE
BUT TRY BUT TRY
IF HE'S REALLY IF HE'S REALLY IF HE'S REALLY
DEAR DEAR TO YOU DEAR TO YOU
HE'S DEAR TO ME
HE'S NEAR TO YOU HE'S NEAR TO YOU
HE'S NEAR TO ME
YOU MAY BE FAR APART YOU MAY BE FAR APART
AND YET AND YET
IF HE'S IN MY HEART
REALLY IN YOUR HEART REALLY IN YOUR HEART
HOW NEAR TO ME HOW NEAR TO YOU HOW NEAR TO YOU
HOW NEAR TO YOU
HOW NEAR TO YOU
NEAR TO ME
NEAR TO YOU
CAN HE GET? CAN HE GET? CAN HE GET?
II-4-90
ACT II
SCENE FOUR
The next morning, at APPLEGATE'S apartment, he and LOLA are

seated drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. APPLEGATE
wears a smoking jacket.
APPLEGATE
It's rudimentary psychology, baby, just rudimentary psychology. Do you think this
noble, upstanding, young Joe Hardy is going to walk out on the very men he's
worshiped all his life? Escape Clause or no, never!
LOLA
Maybe. I'm just saying I've never met anyone like him.
APPLEGATE
Well that's your limited circle of acquaintance, my pet. If you had grown up with
real killers like I had -- Attila the Hun, Marquis de Sade, Anita Bryant -- you
wouldn't be so impressed. This kid is tapioca pudding.
LOLA
Well I won't forget him, that's for sure.
APPLEGATE
Stands up, strolls proudly
All I have to do is stall that hearing long enough to keep him out of the game
tonight. Of course, without Joe, Washington will lose. That'll drive the
bookmakers crazy. Then tomorrow, we're just one game between him and the
pennant. He'll have to be the hero. He'll play the game, and then he's mine. Ah,
what a morning! What a great day! Thumbscrews for everybody!
LOLA
Stands up, looks away
Well I'm sorry for him.
APPLEGATE
I beg your pardon?
LOLA
I said I'm sorry for him.
APPLEGATE
Is that so? You know, Lola, I really hate to pull rank on you, but I have observed
lately a certain laxity on your part. Have you forgotten the first accident I ever
taught you? Now get down and give me a hundred.
II-4-91
LOLA
She sits
Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel sorry…
LOLA continues repeating. There is a knock at the door.
APPLEGATE
Now who do you suppose that is? Come in, Joe.
LOLA
…for anybody. Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel sorry for anybody…
JOE enters. LOLA continues under the following.
JOE
Gosh, Mr. Applegate. I had no idea you lived right beneath the Senate.
APPLEGATE
Reassuring, isn't it?
JOE
Huh?
APPLEGATE
Skip it. Lola, knock it off. How about paying respect to the world's great ballplayer?
After all, this is a very big day for him.
to JOE
Coffee?
LOLA
It's cold.
APPLEGATE
Sticking his hand in the pot, causing it to bubble
It's hot. Would you like to have a little?
JOE
No.
APPLEGATE
Okay.
JOE
Thanks anyway, Mr. Applegate, but it doesn't look like this Joe Hardy is going to
be making the Hall of Fame after all.
II-4-92
APPLEGATE
And what is that supposed to mean?
JOE
I've come to tell you that I've decided to exercise my Escape Clause at nine
o'clock tonight. It should be easy to clear up this Shifty McCoy business this
afternoon with enough time to play tonight's game. And if I concentrate, we can
rack up enough runs before nine. Clench the pennant! I'll just make it!
APPLEGATE
Sarcastically
Yay! Oh yay! He'll just make it! Goody goody! And then what are you going to
do …change back to Joe Boyd in front of thirty thousand fans?
JOE
No, I can slip into the locker room at the last minute. No one will ever know.
APPLEGATE
Well, we've thought of everything, haven't we? We've got the World Series coming
up. Don't you want to try for the Brass Ring?
JOE
I've thought about it a lot. I don't like what it's doing to me. It changes you, all this
attention. There are more important things in life than being a hero.
APPLEGATE
On the verge of losing his temper
"There are more important things in life than being a hero." How I would love to
work that in on a needlepoint pillow.
JOE
I guess I've learned a kind of lesson. So I might as well leave while I still can.
APPLEGATE
With, of course, the pennant under your arm.
JOE
I owe those guys everything. I can't let them down.
APPLEGATE
Of course not.
JOE
I just didn't want us to have any misunderstandings.
II-4-93
APPLEGATE
Cynically, gesturing mockingly while looking at LOLA
No…not us.
JOE
I've had a terrific time, Mr. Applegate. Thanks for everything.
He shakes his hand, then goes to LOLA
Goodbye, Lola. I want you to know I really respect you.
He exits.
LOLA
Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel sorry…
APPLEGATE
"Goodbye, Lola. I want you to know I really respect you." I think he's got you
confused with Eleanor Roosevelt. Now snap out of it, we've got work to do.
You're going to be one of today's star witnesses. Follow him. Don't leave him out
of your sight. I've got to drum up with other witnesses to keep him out of the
stadium tonight. So much for his Escape Clause.
LOLA
But suppose…
APPLEGATE
Lola, in case you missed it, we're in something of a jam. Now you're going to show
up for that hearing, and you're going to convince them that you are Mrs. Shifty
McCoy, or the next Escape Clause you hear about is about you going back to
Providence looking, if memory serves, like the model for Old Dutch Cleanser. Now
hop it! Move it! Move it!
LOLA exits. MUSIC.
You just can't get good help these days.
APPLEGATE changes from his smoking jacket to a bright red

tuxedo.
II-4-94
THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS
APPLEGATE
WHENEVER I'M FROM TIME TO TIME DEPRESSED
AS A TRAUMA WELLS AND SWELLS WITHIN MY BREAST
I FIND SOME PRIDE DEEP INSIDE OF ME
AS I FONDLY WALK THE LANE OF MEMORY…
I SEE BONAPARTE A MEAN ONE

IF EVER I HAVE SEEN ONE
AND NERO FIDDLIN' THRU THAT LOVELY BLAZE
ANTOINETTE, DAINTY QUEEN
WITH HER QUAINT GUILLOTINE
HA, HA, HA, HA
I SEE INDIANS DRAGGIN'

AN EMPTY COVERED WAGON
WHEN SCALPING THE SETLERS WAS THE LATEST CRAZE
AND THAT GLORIOUS MORN
JACK THE RIPPER WAS BORN
HA, HA, HA, HA
I'D SIT IN MY ROCKING CHAIR

SO PEACEFULLY ROCKING THERE
COUNTING MY BLESSINGS BY THE SCORE
THE RACK WAS IN FASHION
THE PLAGUES WERE MY PASSION
EACH DAY HELD A NEW JOY IN STORE
Was anybody happy?
I SEE CANNIBALS MUNCHIN'

A MISSIONARY LUNCHEON
THE YEARS MAY HAVE FLOWN BUT THE MEM'RY STAYS
LIKE THE HOPES THAT WERE DASHED
WHEN THE STOCK MARKET CRASHED
HA, HA, HA, HA
I'D WALK A MILLION MILES OR MORE

FOR SOME OF THE GORE
OF THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS
II-4-95
ENCORE
APPLEGATE
I WAS SO CONTENTED
WHEN PRISONS WERE INVENTED
AND THE ONES WITH THE GALLOWS SET MY HEART ABLAZE
I WAS BURNING WITH PRIDE
THE DAY BONNIE MET CLYDE
HA, HA, HA, HA
I'D DOZE BY THE FIRESIDE

DREAMING OF CYANIDE
NEVER A WORRY OR A CARE
AND HOW CAN ONE MEASURE
THE INFINITE PLEASURE
OF DREAMING OF THE ELECTRIC CHAIR?
Some people found it shocking!
{IMRPOV JOKE SEQUENCE}
AND IN THE AILES I'D LAY 'EM

WITH ARSEN AND WITH MAYHEM
IT'S A HAMMY ROUTINE BUT IT ALWAYS PLAYS
AND MY FAVORITE ENCORE
WAS THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR
HA, HA, HA, HA
I'D GLADLY SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS

FOR JUST ONE REPRISE
OF THOSE GOOD
OLD
DAYS!
II-5-96
ACT II
SCENE FIVE
The scene is presented as a montage over several hours while

GLORIA reviews her notes to the audience. Each time she
speaks, MUSIC plays as she steps into a spotlight as the
background darkens with everyone else moving in fast motion in
dim, flashing lights. The MUSIC stops and LIGHTS COME UP full
every time another character takes the stand to address an
imaginary Commissioner in the audience. JOE enters and sits at
a table. Also present at the hearing are WELCH, VAN BUREN, the
SENATORS, MEG, SISTER, some SPECTATORS and a BAILIFF.
THE TRIAL
GLORIA
Notes for a Pulitzer Prize contending column -- Dateline: Washington. Here are
the six major highlights from this afternoon's hearing on the identification and
culpability of Senator rookie shortstop, Joe Hardy. Who initially had this to say for
himself:
JOE
I've never actually been to Mexico in my entire life. I swear by everything I hold
sacred that I've never known of Shifty McCoy and that I'm not that man. Honest to
God, I'm not…
GLORIA
One to mince words…at least where guilt is concerned. Still, he was unable to
produce a social security card or any identification whatsoever…which moved
team owner Adam Welch to…
WELCH steps forward. A bag of letters is placed on the table.
WELCH
Move for dismissal. 'Cause in spite of Joe's little identification problem, there is
not one shred of concrete evidence against him. But here's today's mail from our
front office. Youngsters from all over the country who do believe in Joe Hardy!
It's like "Miracle on 34th Street" down there! Now somebody better come up with
some legitimate testimony because we have a baseball game to win tonight! We
mean business. No ifs, ands or…
GLORIA
BUT, his thread had minimal affect on the hearing, which dragged on into the
afternoon until team manager, Benny Van Buren, with one eye on the clock, made
one of his calm and levelheaded suggestions:
VAN BUREN
Why don't you just shoot me?! What is this all of a sudden? I'm fed these lies!
II-5-97
SENATORS
Yeah!
VAN BUREN
Look, Commissioner, I've got some high-strung ballplayers here that are going to
have to leave for the stadium right now and we intend to show up against those
Yankees tonight! And it would be just nifty if we could take our star player with
us. Unless, of course, you happen to have a couple of bucks of your own on
those damn…
MUSIC. The BAILIFF pulls VAN BUREN away. He and the

SENATORS exit.
GLORIA
YANKED from the hearing just before contempt charges were pressed, Van Buren
and the team were sadly not present the surprise witness appeared early in the
evening and presented herself to the commissioner as the so called 'wife of Shifty
McCoy'. Señora McCoy claimed to have arrived from Cancun on nine different
buses in order to testify that her husband was…
LOLA enters pretending to be SEÑORA MCCOY
SEÑORA MCCOY (LOLA)

Weeping
A louse! A no-good pachuco who left me in a cantina in El Paso waiting for
chimichanga takeout when he went off to Guadalajara with some two-bit, no-good
gringa putana!
GLORIA
Whatever.
LOLA exits. MUSIC
But without substantiation of Senora McCoy's citizenship, marriage, address, age
or hair color, the only responsible and valid testimony seemed to come from
sports reporter Gloria Thorpe…
Change in mood
Dressed in a simple, silk, shantung suit…her hair impeccably sleek…her manner
the epitome of savvy, sophisticated sang-froid…
Pause. All stare at her.
Do you like it? I do.
Resuming
Although her accusations necessitated the hearing, she smartly deferred to the
man she claimed discovered Joe Hardy and who even first mentioned Shifty
McCoy to me.
II-5-98
MUSIC stops. LIGHTS brighten. GLORIA turns to the group.
GLORIA
Clearly, if you subpoena him, you will get to the bottom of this and we can all go
home. And by the way, if anyone cares, it's now the top of the fourth and the
score is four to nothing: Yankees.
Everyone groans. MUSIC resumes. LIGHTS dim. GLORIA
resumes speaking to the audience.
So, that is where today's hearing ground to a halt. For although Mr. Applegate
was found and arrived shortly before eight o'clock, he seemed somehow unable
to testify…
APPLEGATE enters. The BAILIFF makes him place his hand on

The Bible.
BAILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help
you God?
APPLEGATE
Taking his hand away
Who? Um…
JOE
Please, Mr. Applegate, please…
APPLEGATE
You don't have another version of that oath, do you?
JOE
Pulling APPLEGATE aside, angering
Don't do this to me, Mr. Applegate, please don't! I know what you're doing. No
matter what I do, you'll outlast me. You'll stall until nine o'clock has come and
gone. Please! Not for me, for the team. Let me get to the game. Let me help
them. You can make an exception just this once!
APPLEGATE
I? But, Joe, this has nothing to do with me at all. You're the one insisting on this
idiotic escape clause…and just when the Yankees are leading. Four to nothing, is
it?
JOE
I've got to help the guys before I go back to Meg. I've just got to!
II-5-99
APPLEGATE
My, but you are conflicted! You've just got to have everything, don't you? You
need some nice, quiet place to think things over and I know just where you can go
…Please…Be my guest!
THUNDERCLAP! MUSIC. JOE is frozen in place as the back-

ground darkens, the trial scene is moved off and JOE is sent into
LIMBO. A thick, dense mist rolls across the stage. A strange
Twilight Zone-like backdrop comes down. A log appears and
JOE sits on it.
II-6-100
ACT II
SCENE SIX
The MUSIC is low, now, somewhere between the sigh of the wind
and a moan.
LOLA
Joe? Joe, is that you?
JOE
Lola!
LOLA
I've been looking all over for you! Are you all right?
JOE
In despair
Oh, God! How can I be? I'm going back to Meg, but…what about the guys? I'm
about to let them down in the worst way! No matter what I do, someone gets hurt.
I'm so miserable I can't move.
LOLA
No, Joe, that's what Applegate wants. Look, you've been reinstated. They cleared
your name. Do you think you can still hit a ball like you did yesterday?
JOE
Until nine. I guess I could but what possible difference…
In the distance, we hear a voice:
APPLEGATE
Joe? Are you there?
LOLA
It's only eight-thirty. You've still got a half-hour to play ball like you've never
played before. Like your life depended on it.
JOE
My life?
LOLA
Well, your soul then.
APPLEGATE
What is this, swamp gas?
II-6-101
LOLA
Now hurry, before he finds you!
JOE
But what about you?
LOLA
You know, I had a real great time at your Benefit last night.
JOE
The Benefit…I'm sorry…
LOLA
No kidding! There may be something to this "helping" business. Who knows?
Now go!
JOE
Struggling to say something
Lola, I…you're more to me than just a friend…
LOLA
Never mind, Joe.
She gives him a quick kiss and shoves him offstage.
Maybe some other eternity. Quick, that way! Remember! Like your soul depended
on it!
And he is gone. APPLEGATE appears in the mist. He carries an

enormous red flashlight.
APPLEGATE
Joe? Is that you?
LOLA
What? Joe? You mean Joe Hardy?
APPLEGATE
No, Shecky Hickey…of course Joe Hardy!
LOLA
What's he doing here?
APPLEGATE
I've tied him up in knots. No pennant for him! And with one more little dollop of
despair, no wife, either. What are you doing here?
II-6-102
LOLA
Why? Where are we?
APPLEGATE
Shining his light around at the audience
Look! This is Limbo.
LOLA
Looking around, "interested", stalling
Oh, Limbo? Oh, wow, my goodness. What do you think of that?
APPLEGATE
I haven't been here since Socrates' bachelor party. I used to come here all the
time. Anyway, let's go. As soon as I nail Joe, we're gonna work that final game.
LOLA
She steals a surreptitious glance at her watch
In a minute. Sit.
APPLEGATE
Sit? Lola! There are forty-eight thousand souls sitting in Griffith Stadium, ripe for
the picking. This is no time to rest.
LOLA
Oh, give yourself a break, will you? I've never seen anybody work so hard in my
life! You've been up since dawn, condemning, cursing, spitting. You must be
exhausted.
APPLEGATE
I am, a little. It's a killer schedule.
He sits. She looks out in the audience.
LOLA
Who are all those couples over there?
APPLEGATE
Oh, we have all the famous lovers of history here in Limbo. That's Romeo and
Juliet over there. And that's Tristan and Isolde over there.
Points
Paola and Francesca…
LOLA
Pointing
And who's that?
II-6-103
APPLEGATE
J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson.
Thinks
LOLA
But they aren't dead yet.
APPLEGATE
I know. I just can't wait!
LOLA
Another glance at the watch
And us. The Lost Souls.
APPLEGATE
I'm not sure I actually ever had a soul. Anyway, according to Milton, I fall into a
much higher category.
LOLA
Milton, what does he know? Some guy on television in a dress…
APPLEGATE
Skip it.
LOLA
Come on, chief. I'm being romantic.
APPLEGATE
You are?
LOLA
You're one of a kind.
APPLEGATE
We're two of a kind.
MUSIC
And you are good, Lola!
LOLA
You're not so bad yourself.
APPLEGATE
Oh, yes, I am.
II-6-104
They sing TWO LOST SOULS
LOLA & APPLEGATE

TWO LOST SOULS
ON THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE,
WE AIN'T EVEN GOT
A SISTER OR BROTHER,
BUT AIN'T IT JUST GREAT,
AIN'T IT JUST GRAND?
WE GOT EACH OTHER
TWO LOST SHIPS

ON THE STORMY SEA
ONE WITH NO SAIL
AND ONE WITH NO RUDDER
BUT AIN'T IT JUST GREAT,
WE'VE GOT EACH "UDDER!"
TWO LOST SHEEP

IN THE WILDS OF THE HILLS
FAR FROM THE OTHER
JACKS AND JILLS
WE WANDERED AWAY,
AND WE WENT ASTRAY,
BUT WE AIN'T FUSSIN'
'CUZ WE'VE GOT "US'N"
WE'RE TWO LOST SOULS

ON THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE
AND THERE IS NO ONE
WITH WHOM WE WOULD "RUTHER"
SAY, AIN'T IT JUST GREAT,
WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER!
WHEREVER WE GO,
WHATEVER WE DO,
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT ME
AND I'VE GOT YOU
WE'VE GOT A LOT
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER
{DANCE BREAK}
WE AIN'T FUSSIN' CAUSE WE GOT "US'N"

II-6-105
APPLEGATE & LOLA

WHEREVER WE GO
WHATEVER WE DO
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT ME
AND I'VE GOT YOU
WE'VE GOT A LOT
BECAUSE WE GOT
WE GOT EACH OTHER.
WE GOT EACH OTHER!

II-7-106
ACT II
SCENE SEVEN
In the darkness, we hear a CROWD cheering as well as the

voices of both the STADIUM ANNOUNCER and a PLAY-BY-PLAY
COMMENTATOR -- possibly Mel Allen.
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
COMMENTATOR
It's the bottom of the ninth inning. The score of the Yankees: 4, Washington: 3.
One out. Henry Anderson holding at first base.
LIGHTS COME UP on Griffith Stadium. Up in BOX A, WELCH,

GLORIA, SISTER, MEG and two other WOMEN are seated -- the
dugout below them.
ANNOUNCER
And stepping up to the plate, number 28 -- Vernon Hollingsworth.
MEG
Okay, Vernon, don't try to murder it, just slip one through the infield.
SISTER
Megsie, what's come over you?
MEG
Isn't it great? Come on!
WOMAN
Chanting, others joining her
We want a hit! Hey! We want a hit! Hey!
We hear an offstage CRACK OF BAT. The SPECTATORS watch

an offstage ball fly. They continue to chant and cheer.
COMMENTATOR
There's a drive pile going to deep center field. Mickey Mantle racing back…he's
picking that ball…he reaches up…he's got it! Anderson tagging up at first base…
he's gonna tag for second. Here comes the throw from Mantle…and Anderson
slides in…he's safe in second.
II-7-107
ANNOUNCER
That puts Henry Anderson in scoring position, Mel. You wouldn't have seen the
Senators try something that gutsy at the beginning of this season, that's for sure!
APPLEGATE enters with LOLA. They climb the stairs to the box.
APPLEGATE
What's happening? What inning is it?
WELCH
Bottom of the ninth. Sit down!
APPLEGATE and LOLA sit in the remaining seats.
APPLEGATE
How's it going?
GLORIA
Fantastic, we're still alive! Two away, tie-run on second.
WELCH
We've got a shot, by God; we've got a shot!
APPLEGATE
How can that be without Joe? What's the time? Hasn't anybody got a watch? No
wonder the republicans are in office.
WELCH
It's five before nine.
Shouting to home plate:
Come on, boy!
LOLA
to MEG
How's Joe doing?
MEG
He's playing like an angel, wait till you see!
APPLEGATE
I cannot believe we are this late. Do you realize we could've missed the whole
game?
LOLA
Oh, chief, we were having fun. You were great!
II-7-108
APPLEGATE
Yeah?
LOLA
Killer, honest!
ANNOUNCER
Two away in the bottom of the ninth. And stepping up to the plate…Shoeless Joe
Hardy!
JOE enters. ORGAN MUSIC. The box is moved to one side of the
stage. On the other side, the home plate is moved on. A
CATCHER and an UMPIRE enter. The SENATORS enter and sit in
the dugout.
APPLEGATE
What's he doing here? I thought -- Wait just a minute!
CROWD
Hardy! Hardy! Hardy! Hardy!
ANNOUNCER
Boy, Mel, the last time at bat is his first appearance here tonight. Hardy blasted that
fastball into the second deck and brought the score to Yankees: 4, Senators: 3.
APPLEGATE
He did what? He isn't supposed to be here!
He rambles to GLORIA and WELCH.
MEG
Come on, Joe!
SISTER
Come on, Joe!
LOLA
Come on, JOOOOOOEE!!!!
APPLEGATE
Rounding on her
Have you lost your mind?!
LOLA
Oh, I don't know what came over me.
II-7-109
APPLEGATE
Sit down!
COMMENTATOR
The pitcher's in with the windup. Around comes the left arm. Here comes the
pitch…
APPLEGATE
Watch this…
APPLEGATE gestures. Sparks fly off the end of JOE'S bat as he

swings and misses the ball.
UMPIRE
Strike!
ANNOUNCER
A blazing fastball -- high and inside -- Hardy never saw it.
LOLA
What was that?
APPLEGATE
You don't think I'm going to let Real Estate triumph, do you?
ANNOUNCER
Two away, the count is 0 and 1. Twenty-four; two pitches away from this crucial
Yankee win.
COMMENTATOR
Rookie Hardy, "Shoeless Joe" -- just one swing away from clenching the greatest
comeback in baseball history.
ANNOUNCER
And here's the windup…and the pitch…
MUSIC. APPLEGATE giggles, and causes JOE to miss again.
UMPIRE
Strike Two!
LOLA
It's unbelievable.
II-7-110
APPLEGATE
It's all in the wrist.
Looking around nervously
What's the time? What's the time?!
CROWD
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
JOE
to APPLEGATE
No tricks, you promised!
CROWD
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
APPLEGATE
Stay and win!
CROWD
Joe! Joe!
APPLEGATE
You can have it all -- everything!
CROWD
Joe! Joe!
ANNOUNCER
Ford looks to second…
CROWD
Joe! Joe!
LOLA
It's nine!
CROWD
Joe!
APPLEGATE
You're mine!
CROWD
Joe!
II-7-111
JOE
LET ME…
The LIGHTS BLACK OUT for a second, there is a CLAP OF

THUNDER and a BRIGHT FLASH. LIGHTS COME UP and JOE
has been turned back into JOE BOYD!
JOE BOYD
…GO!!!
ANNOUNCER
The pitch is set…and here's the windup…and the pitch…
MUSIC. CRACK OF BAT. JOE, whose uniform is now too tight,

hits the ball and runs offstage. The CROWD goes wild! The
SENATORS run onto the field celebrating. Fireworks shoot off in
the background. APPLEGATE and LOLA nonchalantly sneak out
of the stadium. Gradually, the LIGHTS DIM.
ANNOUNCER
It's a high-fly ball, to deep right field. It may go foul…no, no, by God, no! It's fair!
It's fair! Oh my Lord, it's a homerun! And Washington wins it! Washington wins
the pennant!
II-8-112
ACT II
SCENE EIGHT
MEG is home watching T.V. We hear a broadcast with some music:
T.V. BROADCAST
…so, those are the mysteries that face Washington tonight: What happened to Joe
Hardy at home plate? And once Henry Anderson scored, where did Hardy go?
Where is he? And what are the Senators' chances at the World Series if he can't
be found? With "Sportswrap", this is Joey Littleton. Tune in at the eleven o'clock
final for --
MEG snaps off the television. The front door opens. MEG doesn't
even see that it's her own husband JOE -- now in his own clothes.
MEG
Is that you, Sister? Gosh, I haven't even started our supper. I was just…
She turns and sees him
JOE
I'm back.
MUSIC
MEG
Embracing him, bursting into tears
Joe. Oh, my God, Joe! Where in Hell have you been? Why didn't you call?
JOE
Don't mention Hell! Just don't ever ask me, please.
MEG
What are you talking about? How can I never know?
JOE
Meg, I can't ever go into it. You'll just have to trust me.
MEG
That's asking a lot. You know that, don't you?
JOE
When have I not asked a lot of you? I love you, Meg!
MEG
Oh, my Old Boy, I love you too. You don't know how I've missed you!
II-8-113
JOE
I bet I do.
MEG
Joe, I think I'd like to see the Series…honestly!
JOE
And I think I'd like to learn Bridge!
APPLEGATE
Entering with LOLA
And I think I'd like to throw up.
MEG cannot see or hear APPLEGATE or LOLA. JOE is aware of

their presence and becomes nervous.
MEG
Bridge? Are you nuts?
Notices JOE'S nervousness
Joe, are you all right?
JOE
I'm not sure, I'm suddenly not sure.
APPLEGATE
All right, Joe, you owe me something, remember?
JOE ignores him.
MEG
Is something wrong?
JOE
Say things to me…things about us.
APPLEGATE
We had our little joke, but we've got some unfinished business, you and I…
JOE
Hold me, Meg, quick! Put your arms around me and do not let me go, no matter
what!
II-8-114
A MAN DOESN'T KNOW (REPRISE)
APPLEGATE MEG
Listen, Joe…that was a mean trick I A WOMAN DOESN'T KNOW
played on you at the stadium tonight. WHAT SHE HAS
I just lost my head for a moment. But UNTIL SHE LOSES IT
I'll make amends. You can show up WHEN A WOMAN HAS
for the series. You can be Joe Hardy THE LOVE OF A MAN,
again. You'll play the greatest series SHE ABUSES IT
that baseball has ever seen, I promise
you! I'm really not emotionally I DIDN'T KNOW
unstable once you get to know me. WHAT I HAD
WHEN I HAD
JOE continues to ignore him.
MY OLD LOVE
What's happening here, Lola? Why I DIDN'T KNOW
isn't this working? WHAT I HAD
TILL I SAID,
"GOODBYE, OLD LOVE"
LOLA
Feigning ignorance
YES, A WOMAN
Well, I don't know Chief. It's beyond
DOESN'T KNOW
me. Maybe it's the real thing.
WHAT SHE HAS
TILL IT IS
APPLEGATE
NO LONGER AROUND
There's no such thing, I tell you.
There is no such thing as real love!
Joe! Joe! I'm not going to stand for MEG & JOE
any of your Real Estate shenanigans, BUT, THE HAPPY THOUGHT IS
Joe. Do you hear me? Listen to me, WHATEVER IT IS
you wife-loving louse! You belong to HE'S LOST
me! You crook! You thief! You two- MAY SOMEDAY,
timing, false-faced swindler! You ONCE AGAIN
robbed me! YOU ROBBED ME…!!! BE FOUND!
LOLA pushes APPLEGATE away from them and together they

disappear in a cloud of smoke. MEG and JOE kiss.
THE CURTAIN FALLS

The following are excerpts that were either cut,
added, or revised during touring productions…
DAMN YANKEES 9/16/97 I-2-19
ACT I
SCENE TWO
MUSIC -- "BLOOPER BALLET" begins immediately after applause

segue from "GOODBYE OLD GIRL".
SENATORS enter, stretching, chewing tobacco, etc. VAN BUREN

enters.
MUSIC stops at Measure 19.
VAN BUREN
Okay, okay, let's try something. The games are going all the way to the top, so
we're going to take it from the top, okay? You guys come out here heads high,
shoulders back, and look like ballplayers -- then maybe, just maybe you can play
like ballplayers. All right, I'm the stadium voice, right? And I yell, "Outfield…
Number 7: Bomber Bucaletti -- Left Field. Number 35: Rocky Hanson -- Center
Field. And Number 21: Ozzie Ibsen -- Right Field."
The PLAYERS run into formation.
OZZIE
Amen.
VAN BUREN
Shoulders up, guys! Look proud! Look like Senators! Okay, okay, infield…
"Number 12: Henry Anderson -- Third base. Number 14: Del Stubbs -- Shortstop."
DEL
Yeah right.
VAN BUREN
Easy, Stubbs. "Number 11: Bubba Phillips -- Second Base…"
BUBBA
Shouting to imaginary fans
Hey! Thank you! I love you all! Etc.
VAN BUREN
Move it, rookie!
BUBBA
All right! All right!
VAN BUREN
And number 28: Vernon Hollingsworth -- First Base." Let me see here…um…
where's my catcher? "Number 32: Barney Sohovik."
DAMN YANKEES 9/16/97 I-2-19A
SOHOVIK
Entering from offstage
What I miss?
VAN BUREN
"And pitching for the Washington Senators, number 41: Smokey Bowles…"
No reaction. Everyone looks around.
Hey Smokey!
SMOKEY
Entering from offstage
Aw, Mr. Van Buren, do I have to do this?
ALL
YES!
VAN BUREN
You damn well do! And for now, up to bat is number 46: Mickey Linville. Just
pretend you're a Yankee. And we're tall and we're proud and we're singing…
SENATORS
Singing off key
…AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE…
VAN BUREN
Play ball!
"BLOOOPER BALLET" resumes at Measure 20.
They begin to play, taking turns at bat -- round robin. They are
pathetic. Some use good luck charms and other superstitious
techniques right before taking a swing. The ball is hit over and
over again. The sound of a window crashing is heard. PLAYERS
dive after the ball resolving in a pileup. A few skid across the
stage with a tire screeching noise. There are several more noisy
crashes and smashes. PLAYERS smack into each other on the
field and fall. The ball bounces away with a "Boing! Boing!"
sound. A PLAYER is hit on the head followed by the sound of
birds chirping. One PLAYER chases the ball offstage; another
time the ball chases him. Two PLAYERS get into a fight that is
quickly broken up. The entire process is repeated several times
and there is a free for all. At various moments in the musical
number, different PLAYERS shout ad-libbed phrases. Finally, the
ball is hit high into the air and all the players look up ponderously.
Everyone tries to catch but the ball hits stage and everyone
heaves a sigh of disappointment. VAN BUREN enters the stage.
DAMN YANKEES 9/16/97 II-6-102
LOLA
Why? Where are we?
APPLEGATE
Shining his light around at the audience
Look! This is Limbo.
LOLA
Looking around, "interested", stalling
Oh, Limbo? Oh, wow, my goodness. What do you think of that?
APPLEGATE
Anyway, let's go. As soon as I nail Joe, we're gonna work that final game.
LOLA
She steals a surreptitious glance at her watch
In a minute.
APPLEGATE
Lola! There are forty-eight thousand souls sitting in Griffith Stadium, ripe for the
picking. This is no time to rest.
LOLA
Oh, give yourself a break, will you? I've never seen anybody work so hard in my
life! You've been up since dawn, condemning, cursing, spitting. You must be a
wreck.
APPLEGATE
I am, a little. It's a killer schedule.
LOLA
What you need is a little music and some dancing. Take me inside, chief.
APPLEGATE
I haven't been here since Socrates' bachelor party. I used to come here all the
time.
LOLA
Is that right? Well, well, well. C'mon, chief.
They go into Club Limbo.
LOLA
Who are all those couples over there?
DAMN YANKEES 9/16/97 II-6-103
APPLEGATE
Oh, we have all the famous lovers of history here in Club Limbo. That's Romeo
and Juliet over there. And that's Tristan and Isolde over there.
Points
Paola and Francesca…
LOLA
Pointing
And who's that?
APPLEGATE
J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson.
Thinks
LOLA
But they aren't dead yet.
APPLEGATE
I know. I just can't wait!
LOLA
Another glance at the watch
And us. The Lost Souls.
APPLEGATE
I'm not sure I actually ever had a soul.
LOLA
Come on, chief, you're one of a kind.
APPLEGATE
We're two of a kind.
MUSIC
And you are good, Lola!
LOLA
You're not so bad yourself.
APPLEGATE
Oh, yes, I am.

Damn Yankees 1994 Revival Script

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Damn Yankees 1994 Revival Script

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OPENING NIGHT SCRIPT

Music and Lyrics by

Opening Night Performance -- New York MARQUIS THEATRE

Scene 1: The Boyd's Living Room and Front Porch

Scene 2: Griffith Stadium Ball Field/Locker Room

Scene 3: Griffith Stadium Dugout

Scene 4: Madison Avenue

Scene 5: The Press Conference

Scene 6: Applegate's Apartment

Scene 7: The Boyd's Kitchen

Scene 8: Locker Room

Scene 1: The Hospital Benefit

Scene 2: Training Room

Scene 3: Meg's Bedroom/A Telephone Booth

Scene 4: Applegate's Apartment

Scene 5: The Trial

Scene 7: Griffith Stadium

Scene 8: The Boyd's Living Room

As HOUSELIGHTS DIM, an organ plays the end of "The Star

The CURTAIN RISES and LIGHTS COME UP on seven COUPLES

HUSBANDS look frustrated.

WIVES look ready to attack their husbands.

HUSBANDS and WIVES squabble randomly, then in unison:

SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR

SIX MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR

WIVES pick up telephones, calling one another.

JOE & HUSBANDS

SIX MONTHS LET'S GO! HE'S

SIX MONTHS -- PLAYOFF

OFFSTAGE SINGERS are heard. HUSBANDS and WIVES exit.

JOE takes a swing at an imaginary ball. He nearly throws out his

MEG has started up the stairs. JOE ignores her, continuing to

STRAIGHT FROM HELL

MUSIC; OFFSTAGE SINGERS. MEG exits. JOE steps outside

We hear a BOOMING VOICE from nowhere:

MUSIC. JOE lifts his head as though conscious of some new

Smoke billows from APPLEGATE'S jacket. He sniffs the air.

Do you smell something?

MUSIC. At a gesture from APPLEGATE, JOE is successfully able

APPLEGATE gestures. We hear the cat howl.

MUSIC. MEG'S SISTER enters. She is middle-aged and affects

SISTER dances, terribly, counting in step. APPLEGATE pokes her

She exits. MUSIC.

JOE turns to go inside. APPLEGATE blocks his path.

They shake hands again. MUSIC. JOE waits for something to

JOE exits through the door into the house.

Oh how I love this job!

GOODBYE, OLD GIRL

GOODBYE, OLD FRIEND

AND NOW YOUR JOE

JOE kisses MEG on the cheek and goes downstairs.

There is another enormous FLASH! JOE bursts through the

In the darkness, we hear the voice of The Washington Senators'

LIGHTS UP. The WASHINGTON SENATORS run onto the field of

General reaction from the SENATORS

He signals again; SOHOVIK is blank.

You go for it.

YOU GOTTA HAVE HOPE

WHEN YOUR LUCK IS BATTIN' ZERO

DOWNSTAGE GUYS SHOWER GUYS

DEL & MICKEY

All 5 gargle the rest of the verse until…

BOMBER & SOHOVIK

BUBBA throws his towel away. GLORIA THORPE is discovered in