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IDOLATOR?
PERSONALITY

Scientists Prove
Psychic Powers Can
Cause Biorhythms!
Gary Coleman’s
Secret Past As
A White Adult
Learn To Lose Weight
By Psychically
Transferring Your Fat
To Other People!

Abbott And Costello

-Just Good Friends?
How The Stars
Shovel Snow
IS THIS THE MAH WHO
"I Am Toronto
Incarnate,” Claims ASSASSIHATED KEHNEDY?
Cheryl Tiegs OR IS HE JUST AN INNOCUOUS THRILLSEEKER?
This photograph blown up 30000 x from an aerial photo of
Rock Music May Texas, may be all the evidence needed to reopen the Kennedy
assassination case. This gentleman, who has yet to say any-
Cause Acne! thing about the accusations leveled against him, is currently
in custody of Dallas police until the allegations leveled
against him can be proven. The assassin has been identified
Geiger-Counter Tests as Lee Harpo Oswald, an accomplished horn player and faithful
employee of a Dallas company. F.B.I. officials are quick to
Prove Anne Bancroft point out this does not rule out the single bullet theory of
Is Radioactive! J.FoK.'s death. "The President was killed with one bullet,
with perhaps a little help from one cannonball, too," stated
F.B.I. spokesventri1 oquist J.Fdgar Bergen. CONTINUED ON
Cheap Gossip PAGE 25.
Rags Can Cause
Brain Damage!
 ORGANIZED CRIME STILL STRONG!
-Reports league of Women Hitmen.
REPORTED by J. Arnold Stankwell
The Underworld, Organized Crime, the Mafia; for
years the government has been trying to rid our country
of these terrible plagues on our society. Millions of
dollars are spent annually in attempts to put the Mob
out of business, or at least to get them to curb their
dogs. Yet law enforcement agencies have little or no
effect. Why can't they crack this case? The Nat ional
Idolator has learned that Organized Crime is a tightly-
meshed society which is impossible to infiltrate. Police
cannot expect much help from informants or deserters.
The Mafia is a lot like the Book of the Month Club, once
you join, you're in for life.
Getting someone to snitch on the Mob is very
difficult, only a few cases come to mind. Getting some-
one to snitch on the Mob and keeping him alive is harder
still, the few cases come to naught. The law does its
best to keep informants alive. "To protect someone from
assassination," the F.B.I. told us, "we provide the in-
formant with a new identity. This includes a new library
card, a three piece suit and a subscription to Time
magazine." *
But how do the police get informants to come
forth and spill their guts? Chief Detective Harold Slump
of NYC explains, "We use Want Ads. They are an easy and
inexpensive solution. We put ads in all the local papers."
A typical will read: "Wanted--bright, young inform-
ant to squeal on Mafia. No previous experience necessary.
Short hours, good pay. Call 356-8921 between 2 and 6 pm."
Then they simply wait by the phone. They're still waiting.
The most effective way is to try to root out a mem-
ber of the Mob who has been done an injustice. This type
of individual is just itching to get revenge any way he
can. Unfortunate1y , most mobsters prefer their own methods
of revenge. These methods include cement blocks, violin
cases and garages in Chicago.
With coercion and a few well-placed dollars, in-
formants can be brought forth to put an end to gangland
enterprises. The Ido Iator looked into the famous case of
Vinny "lucky" Goombotz (so named from the time his n ose’
fell off, falling on and killing three would-be assas-
sins) .
NATIONAL
STUDY: D iet Soda Boost R isk o f H aving
to Go to th e Bathroom
IDOLATOR
The Plague (NYU)- People who drink two or more
cans of diet soft-drink a day may run a 60% higher risk
of having to go to the bathroom, according to a new
study of human exposure to saccharin and other dis-
tasteful chemicals, released yesterday.
The study conducted by the National Association
to Prevent Excessive Flushing (NAPEF), and made public
by the janitors, also discovered that sugar substitutes
Page 18
might Just enhance the taste of food, if you're lucky.
It concluded that both saccharin and another
sugar substitute, cycle-a-mate, which was in widespread
use until its ban in 1970, are potential risk factors
for human excretion
In 1963, "Lucky" Goombotz was called before a
Congressional Hearing where he told of a Mafia scheme to
blackmail the entire City of New York with the threat of
depleting the city's water supply. The mayor was to be
contacted by the heads of the New York families, including
A1 "The Turtle" Saqusoni, Jimmy "The Baker" Bacagalope,
Tony "The Moose" Falella and Don "No Funny Middle Name"
Lacertosa. If the mayor didn't comply, all members of
the mob would go into their bathrooms and flush at the
same time. The plan fell through when it was discovered
that most members of the mob didn't have in-door
plumb in g .
With this testimony, the F.B.I. was able to re-
voke all mobsters' lobbying privileges and refuse them
use of the C.I.A. washrooms for a year. The day after
he gave testimony, "Lucky" Goombotz was kidnapped but
was returned the following week in a manilla envelope.
And the search goes on for people who are willing
and able to unmask the evil doings of the Underworld
and make this nation safe for good, decent folk, like
our readers. These people must be brave, strong and not
mind being stuffed into a manilla envelope.
But what can the average citizen do to combat
Organized Crime? Sure, you say, "Hey, I'm a nobody.
The Mafia doesn't bother me. All right, just a little.
Really, I don't mind. Actually, they've got me under
their thumb and are bleeding me dry." Next thing you
know you're doing an imitation of a spare tire in some-
body's car trunk. Here are just a few tips from our
panel of experts to help you topple the Underworld:
-Don't buy cookies from Mafia Scouts who go door
to door.
-If a Hitman asks you for the time, lie. This will
make him late for the murder attempt.
-Boycott pizza and hard drugs.
-Don't vote for politicians who have a backer named
"One Finger."
-Avoid the waterfront when carrying large amounts
of cash.
Granted, these are only limited suggestions in the
fight against crime, but just remember, if everyone in
New York City decided to turn in state's evidence, the .
D.A.'s office would be very crowded.
AN APPEAL
This week's human interest story concerns a very
by Brian Feinberg
brave little boy with a very rare condition. His -erne
is Timmy, but this 10-year-old is not like other boys
his age. You see, while most boys his age have begun
to develop their male secondary sex characteristics,
little Timmy has not. Where most boys have begun to
form pubic and underarm hair, all Timmy has is smooth,
smooth skin. While other boys have small, shallow
chests, Timmy has developed rapidly enlarging mammary
glands. And where most boys hav* normal male genitalia,
all little Timmy has are numerous folds of skin.
And that's not all. When other little boys are
out playing football, baseball, basketball and soccer,
all little Timmy can do is talk on the phone for hours,
and spend even more time shopping for bargains at
Bloom ingdale's.
No, Timmy isn't like other boys his age. You see,
little Timmy is a girl. Only nobody has told him/her yet.
Won't you help? Please send your contributions to: The
Committee to Please Tell Timmy He's a Girl, 1818 Ignorance
Drive, Portland, Oregon A8331. Thank you.