Vanessa Rivera-Herrera

Rachel Feldman

Writing 2

6 December 2019

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP question I received made to what I impacts my paper:
submission:(Note (from whom/where?) initially wrote:
which WP)

WP2: In Art History, Feldman: The wording In Art History, It makes the
historians can clearly is a bit strange. historians can clearly sentence easier to
understand the understand the understand.
progression of beauty progression of beauty
with proving example with the proof of
images and offering example images and
different perspectives. offering different
perspectives.

WP2: Strong pieces of Feldman: This not a Beauty in nude I added an actual
writing must be conclusion, points like sculpture, as seen in conclusion following
accurate and relevant. this belong in a body. both of these the worksheet
The process of peer articles, depends not provided and
reviewing consists of spread out the
only on your
several rounds of points into my body
personal beliefs
editing by professionals paragraphs.
in a specific field. In
concerning modesty,
Nakedness and but also in your
Tourism... surroundings. These
points are
effectively proved...
WP2: The article Add a short example One of the characters By adding this
begins with a dialogue from the dialogue draws on the dialogue, I use
mentioned of improperness of evidence to fuel my
between two characters
dialogue. nudity and exclaims “ statement on how
from a 19th century ... if [he] wished [his important it was for
novel discussing the servant] to learn the article to have
modesty, [he] should an interesting hook.
immodesty of Venus
not dream of sending
sculptures... [the servant] to school
to a naked
Venus…”(Chard 14).

WP2: In the article Me: This is not a true In the Art History By adding the
Nakedness and article introduction. article Nakedness and author’s full name
Tourism: Classical Tourism: Classical and some detail, I
Sculpture and the Sculpture and the feel like the reader
Imaginative Geography Imaginative can get a better
of the Grand Tour, Geography of the sense of the
Chard, offers various Grand Tour, Chloe credibility of the
historical viewpoints to Chard, a specialist in author.
make it clear to her the history of travel,
readers why people offers various
travelled far to seek historical viewpoints
beauty in classical nude to make it clear to her
sculpture. readers why people
travelled far to seek
beauty in classical
nude sculpture.

WP1: Psychological Me: Needs a better Imagine that you I added an

horror is a classic hook. wake up in the interesting scenario
genre of horror that middle of a dark at the beginning of
keeps a person’s room, and have no my essay to attract
the reader’s
mind occupied with idea on how you
attention and set a
its mind-bending arrived there...
spooky tone for the
plots and theories. topic.
WP1:Works based Me: This is a strange (Eliminated this part I deleted the
around the same location to place these and continued with) awkward placement
genre follow a certain quotes. Authors of video of quotes and
flexible structure… games, especially continued with
horror videogames... explaining the video
game analysis
genre.

WP1: P.T.’s authors Me: Needs a Along with Deleting this

and their processes smoother transition. describing the sentence and
are more thoroughly complexity of its adding a smoother
included in their seemingly simple transition makes the
reader following on
article. plot, the Yume
to the next
Nikki article also
paragraph much
includes information easier.
over its mysterious
creationor.

WP1: The subject of Me: The wording is a A review of a film Moved this idea a
movie critiques, bit strange. little bit higher in my
will ultimately
however, should be writing and changed
decide the reader’s it to sound less
treated lightly, as it is
decision about the yoda-like.
ultimately the movie
viewer’s decision to movie, and fun to
make their own
read articles such as
argument about the
movie’s credibility. this one would make
anyone eager to see
this horror-classic.
WP1: An addition Me: These claims He uses a lot of first I only mentioned the
require evidence. person and directly Ring movie but did
addresses the not provide any
audience by asking evidence of its
conventions
questions like
“What’s not to love
[about the movie]?”
and “How does it
hold up in 2019?”
(Fisher 2019).

WP1: These analyses Me: Do not mention The analyses I felt that this was
are posted online and game informer. not required as I do
often times published typically offer a not mention or
in a way that people explain
summary of the Gameinformer any
can express the
further in my essay.
sometimes published game, its creator,
onto monthly
subscription gaming and several theories.
magazines, such as
Gameinformer.

WP1: Critiques are Me: elaborate more on Movie critiques are By adding textual
seen in magazines, your evidence and use evidence, I support
online, and in textual evidence based on the my arguments on
newspapers, as a lot the effectiveness of
authors’ outstanding the conventions.
of people watch
movies and need emotions about the
these reviews to
justify if they should film...
support the movie...
WP1: Movies are Me: This is not a true Though horror I added a
universal, therefore conclusion. themed media are conclusion that
critiques about them not everyone’s summarized my
are too... favorite, video game main points and
reflected on my
analyses and movie
introductions.
critiques help
explain their plots
and theories...

WP2: The author Feldman: Who? The author includes By being more
specific, the reader
includes several several opinionated can see who exactly
the author is talking
credible sources quotes, such as this
about.
concerning Art History one and ones from Art

from and journal entries Historians and Grand

from Grand Tour Tour travellers in

travelers. order to help propel

her arguments.

WP2: Chard discusses Feldman: What is the The Grand Tour was It gives background
Grand Tour? an expedition that information on the
how conservative European aristocratic background
young men would information not
travelers of the Grand mentioned in my
embark on to enhance chosen peer-
Tour regarded the art... their knowledge of reviewed article.
European art and
culture.
WP2: The Art History Feldman: no clear The jargon, visual The thesis tells us
and Psychology thesis and textual the goal of the
disciplines have evidence, and entire essay.
conventions in writing accuracy featured in
to successfully appeal these Art History
to their respective and Psychology
audiences in ways such articles determine an
as structure, diction audience'
and style. understanding of the
topics.

WP2: ...the author Feldman: Where do These images The added

these images appear? appear when the sentence further
includes images of the (expand on idea) author wants a explains the use of
visual example to images in the
classical artwork so support her point. article.
The sculptures may
that the reader creates be well-known to
people well-versed
their own ideas… in Art History, but
are included for
clarity.

WP2: Psychology can Feldman: add Similarly, Psychology Adding “similarly”

identify the anatomical similarly can identify... makes the sentence
reasons as to why we flow better with the
find beauty in objects rest of the idea of the
paragraph.
with the use of proofs
and studies.

WP2: The authors of Feldman: needs The topic of nude Combine the ideas of
The Golden Beauty: transition statuary is also the two sentences to
Brain Response to make the structure of
discussed in the the paragraph
Classical and psychological article, smoother.
Renaissance Sculptures
The Golden Beauty:
speak about studies in
Brain Response to
how the mind responds
to looking at classical
Classical and
sculpture. Renaissance
Sculptures, where the
Author, Cinzia Di
Dio, argues over
 whether beauty is
objective or
subjective to humans.

WP1: Similar to Me: Video game is Similar to video game It fixes the
Video Game not capitalized capitalization error.
analyses... analyses...

WP1:The audience of Me: This is too wordy This article is biased, I simplified the long
movie critiques and the wording sentence and made it
seems a little bit as are most works in very clear and to the
typically are deciding point.
on whether or not to strange to me.
this critiques genre.
watch a movie. Since
critiques are typically
biased.,..