Guillen 1

Kristian Guillen

Amy Novak

English 101

6 November 2019

Peer Workshop: Comments for Emma

1. My first piece of feedback would be to definitely reword the first sentence so that it does not

sound generic or cliché with “over the years”. Professor Novak will deduct points because she

keeps reminding us that starting your essay with some cliché makes it seem unprofessional.

Make sure your opening sentence is impactful and interesting so that it grabs your reader’s

attention. When writing the significance of your issue, make sure to describe it and explain it in

detail instead of just throwing it out at the very end of the paragraph with your quote.

2. I think by rereading your introduction, you had elements of the correcting-misinterpretations

model for your thesis statement. I think your thesis might be presented clearer if you explained

the significance of why it is a problem regarding one’s privacy. Instead of just writing out the

thesis without its significance to the problem, take a couple sentences to explain the problem and

how it raises concerns about privacy. Write your claim to be more intriguing instead of simply

informing that way you catch your reader by surprise to keep reading.

3. I feel that your clearer topic sentences were very strong throughout the essay except the

second paragraph. I say this because you started this paragraph with a quote or source rather

than yourself stating the topic point. This made it hard to understand what your paragraph was

going to be about at first glance. It may be better to combine paragraphs 5 and 6 because they
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talk about the same points. Your last point seems to relate to the point of how it shares the

information even if you don't agree to the terms which seems repetitive.

4. You do manage to have 2-3 specific evidence or sources in each of your body

paragraphs. Make sure that before using a piece of evidence, you state your author's credibility

and occupation so that it is a legitimate source to the reader. Also, explain how each quote

reflects and helps support the point of significance in the problem of privacy. I think you are

currently fine all the research you have as of now.

5. Make sure to write in the perspective of the other side of the argument that way you make

yourself look open minded rather than close minded. When writing in opposing or alternative

views, don't make the argument too strong because then your main claim and focus will look

weak. Possibly write about how other people that disagree with how smart tvs invading privacy

by expressing their reasons or personal perspective.

6. Rather than discussing who your author and source was from, some of your evidence started

with the quotes first. Instead, try to explain who your author is so that the reader understand that

this evidence is credible. Don't just throw your source out of nowhere and instead introduce them

with some transitions so that they connect with each other. Be sure to also make sure that the in-

text citations are in the same format if all your sources are from the internet and the same type of

genre.

7. I feel that when it comes to the editing process and style of the paper, make sure to add

elements of your own writing and language and tone. I say this because you should try to avoid
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making your paper seem more about evidence and information and instead persuasive and

argumentative. So, add elements of your tone and voice to add a sort of pathos to make your

reader sympathize or connect and agree on your claim and thesis.

8. In the conclusions, make sure to restate your thesis in the beginning to remind the reader of

your claim. After point out your reasons and evidence of why your claim is an invasion of

privacy. You can do this by restating each topic sentence of your body paragraphs. Be sure to

close out your paper with an intriguing statement to make your reader reflect and think about

their personal opinion on the debate after reading your good argument.

9. In the work cited page, make sure not to leave extra spaces after each source. Only use one

space after the other even when moving on to the next source. Good job on keeping the works

cited in alphabetical order by last name. Your last source should have the link on it so that the

professor or reader can look it up.