What To Say Instead of Punishing To Teach A Lesson

11/13/2019 What To Say Instead of Punishing To Teach a Lesson
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(/blog/what-to-say-instead-of-punishing-to-teach-a-
lesson#disqus_thread)What To Say Instead of
Punishing To Teach a Lesson (/blog/what-to-say-
instead-of-punishing-to-teach-a-lesson)
Monday, November 11, 2019

Dr. Laura.....I know I need to do a better job with preventive maintenance like spending time
with my daughter, but I still don't know what to say to teach her a lesson when she misbehaves.
You can't prevent all misbehavior, can you? So you still need to teach them a lesson somehow,
right?"
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When you start doing daily preventive maintenance

(/)
(https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Preventive_Maintenance_to_Keep_Your_Child_Out_of_the_Break
you'll be amazed at how much it helps your child WANT to cooperate. But even children who
feel loved and connected and who want to cooperate will sometimes be overwhelmed by
emotion and act out. Children's brains are still developing, so they have less impulse control
(and as we know, even many adults get overwhelmed by emotion and act out.)
So even the most dedicated parents can't prevent all "misbehavior." What we CAN do is think of
those moments as times to teach a lesson. But what's the lesson we want to teach?
Remember, if your child is "misbehaving" because she doesn't know the appropriate behavior,
then it isn't actually misbehavior at all, and simply teaching her is su cient.
But if she knows the right behavior, and her connection with you is strong (from preventive
maintenance
(https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Preventive_Maintenance_to_Keep_Your_Child_Out_of_the_Break
and she's still "misbehaving," then it means she's struggling with big feelings that are over-
riding her desire to follow your lead. Teaching appropriate behavior won't help. She already
knows the rules. What she needs is help with her emotions, before she can re ect and repair.
So while our words are important, the real lesson isn't what you say. It's that you:
Calm yourself, which teaches your child how to calm himself.

Reconnect with your child, so she's open to your guidance.
Empathize, so that he feels understood and can do a better job of managing his
emotions.
Listen, so she can tell you what she's upset about and get it o her chest.
But then you still need to guide your child toward more appropriate behavior, so you're
probably still wondering "what to say" to guide behavior in a positive way. Here are the ve
basic steps, what to say, and what your child learns.
1. Set appropriate limits, with an understanding of your child's perspective.
It's natural to snap at kids when we think they should already know how to behave. But that
won't help them behave better.
Instead, take a deep breath, acknowledge your child's perspective, set your limit, and redirect
your child's impulse into acceptable behavior:
"That looks like fun! AND it's dangerous because blocks are hard. Blocks are not for throwing....
You can throw your stu ed animals, or you can go outside and throw balls."
"That does look like a cool airplane. AND you know that we aren't buying a toy for you today. I
know that's hard. If it's too hard for you, we'll need to leave the store and try again to buy your
cousin's present next week."
"Aidan, you love your sister, and she loves you, AND she needs to decide about being hugged.
(/)
Can you ask before you hug her?"
"The rule is no screaming in the car so I can drive safely. I hear you're really mad, and I want to
hear about it -- in a voice that I can listen to safely. Can you stop screaming, or do I need to stop
the car?"
What does your child learn?
“When Mom and Dad tell me to stop doing something, they mean it. But they always
understand why I was doing it, so I don't feel like a bad person.”
“I don't have to yell and tantrum. My parents always listen.”
2. Acknowledge feelings while you set limits.
You may feel like yelling "I told you to stop playing and get upstairs to the bathtub! How many
times do I have to tell you?!" but that teaches your child that you aren't serious until you raise
your voice, and it doesn't help him develop self-discipline, because he isn't choosing to give up
what he's doing (since he's being forced from outside). Kids need to feel understood before
they can "follow" your limit.
Instead, acknowledge his perspective, and give him his wish in fantasy: "I hear you, you don't
want to take a bath....It's so hard to stop playing... I bet when you grow up, you'll never stop
playing, you'll play all night every night, won't you?! You'll probably never ever go to bed! Here,
let's y that airplane up to the bathtub."
“I don't always get what I want, but I get something better — a parent who understands,
no matter what.”
“It’s worth it to give up what I want, for what I want more — that warm relationship with
my parent.”
3. Emotion Coach
When humans are in the grip of big feelings, learning shuts down. Help your child with
emotions before you try to teach. Most of us feel like saying "Go to your room until you can
speak to me in a civil tone, young lady!" but that just teaches kids that they're all alone trying to
manage those big, scary emotions.
Instead, try: "Ouch! You know we speak to each other respectfully in this family. You must be so
upset to speak to me like that. What's going on, Sweetie?"
“It's safe to show my parents when I'm upset. They understand and they help me."
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"My words have the power to hurt, and I don't want to do that. I'm grateful to Mom for not
(/)
ying o the handle when I was so upset. She helped me calm down."
4. Empower to Repair
Children want to know how to make things better when they mess up. Not while they're mad, of
course. No one does. But when they're no longer angry, they want a chance to redeem
themselves, to restore their good feelings about themselves, to repair their relationships. Don't
we all?
Most of us think we're supposed to say "You go apologize to your brother this minute!" but
that's humiliating and makes kids resist mending the relationship.
Instead, help your child with the emotions that caused her to lash out. Then, once your child
has regained her equilibrium, empower her to make things better:
"Your brother was pretty upset when you knocked down his tower....I wonder what you could
do to make things better with him?... Hmmm....You think that would help him feel better? What
a great idea!"
If she says, "I never want to make things better with him! I hate him!" then she's still too angry,
and needs your help with her emotions. Go back to acknowledging her feelings and helping her
work through her upset:
"You're still pretty mad at your brother....Right now, it's hard to remember that sometimes you
feel good about him, and that you could get back to that good place... It sounds like maybe you
have something you need to tell your brother.... Want some help to do that?"
Once she's on the road to feeling calmer, try again. If she still resists, leave the repair up to her:
"I know you're still feeling upset at your brother, and I understand why... I know when you feel
better, you'll think of the perfect way to reconnect with him and make things better. You need
to do it by dinner-time. Let me know if you need some help guring it out."
You'll be amazed that your child will actually try to make reparations, once your family has a
clear expectation that that's what everyone does -- and once she doesn't feel punished by it.
"When we damage a relationship, there's a cost -- and I can take responsibility to clean up
my own messes.”
"I don't mind apologizing, once I calm down. I do want to make things better."
5. Help your child re ect.
Teaching your child the important lessons in life takes a whole lot of listening as well as talking.
You've probably noticed that lectures don't work. Teachable moments are only teachable if the
student is ready to learn. So practice sharing your observations and "wondering aloud" to help
your
your child re consent
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his actions.
"I know you used that tone of voice because you were worried that we would be late to the
(/)
birthday party, Sweetie. I get anxious when I hear shouting, and I can't drive safely. I wonder if
there's another way to let me know, when you get super-worried like that?"
"I notice your brother doesn't want to wrestle with you these days.... You must miss it. I wonder
whether there's anything you can do to help him feel safe and have fun wrestling with you
again?"
"It's disappointing to miss words on your spelling test, I know.... The good news is that your
brain is like a muscle, and if you exercise it, you can learn anything and get smarter. Want me to
help you learn your words for next week?"
“It’s possible to stay calm and come up with solutions.”

“My parents help me to solve my problems.”
"Even when I get upset, my parents understand that I'm good inside and I'm trying; I was
just having a hard time."
"My parents understand. They're there to help."
“I trust my parents."
Look at everything your child has learned, without punishment! Don't those sound like the
lessons you really want to teach?
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22 Comments Aha! Parenting 

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Hue Baby • 5 years ago

This is such an important topic to discuss. I am going to attempt some of these tips. I was taught
not to "sweet talk" children, as my family would say, but my 2 year old is just not getting it.
POTTY TRAINING BLUES! I appreciate your information, it was extremely helpful.
△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›
Kristi • 6 years ago

All sounds very nice, but I can't see how you can follow it all in every day life, when you can't
afford waiting around... For example, what do you do or say on the very ordinary morning, when
it is time to get ready to go to school, I call my 4 and 6 year old at least 5 times nicely to put their
coats on, then I go and touch their shoulders (etc) to make sure they heard me and there is still
no reaction. I know if I will shout they will be dressed within seconds. And yes! they don't take it
serious until I raise my voice. But what do I do when there is no time for messing around. Or
your consent
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only need to raise my voice for her to be quiet I 'acknowledge her feelings' but it doesn't make
only need to raise my voice for her to be quiet. I acknowledge her feelings but it doesn t make
any difference, she still messes about every single night. (/)
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
△ ▽ 1 • Reply • Share ›
Katrina Suzanne Eowyn Hanneman > Kristi • 5 years ago

I can attest that it works. You make time, it is worth it.
Ashley Yu > Kristi • 6 years ago

exactly right, I am still trying to calm myself before teaching my little one to calm herself
at her hard time, especially, when u were really tired after work, u need to raise ur voice a
bit to ur kids for stoping their misbehaviors.
~
DrLauraMarkham Mod > Kristi • 6 years ago
It sounds like you are doing a great job of connecting with your kids -- touching their
shoulders, for instance. But if you are telling them five times, and they aren't listening, it
sounds like they know they don't have to listen until you raise your voice. What if you
gave them one warning --during which you actually made eye contact and had them
repeat what you are asking them to do-- and then you walked them over to their coats?
As the Dalai Lama says, "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." So you
never have to be mean about it. But you do have to get in their faces in a friendly way so
they know you're serious about your limit!
10 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›
Agnessa Kulakov • 6 years ago

Great tips! In the heat of a moment is really hard to come up with right words. I like how you say
always start with calming yourself and then looking at the cause of behaviour. Reflect on the
situation before instead of reacting. So much to learn!
1△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›
debsaid • 6 years ago

"Ouch! You know we speak to each other respectfully in this family. You must be so upset to
speak to me like that. What's going on, Sweetie?"
Wow, do I disagree on that one! I grew up believing that being angry or upset was an excuse to
treat others like crap. Took me years to realize that's not true. So an important lesson I want to
teach my children is that feeling bad is *not* an excuse to mistreat others. (Raising your voice is
one thing, calling names or putting down, another). And yes, I will try to teach that through
example.
Umm Khalid > debsaid • 6 years ago

very well said!
your consent to our •use of cookies. More information (/privacy) Ok, got it
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DrLauraMarkham Mod > debsaid • 6 years ago

(/)
Of course feeling bad is not an excuse to mistreat others. Which is why we point out that
their tone of voice is not okay. But kids can't learn when they're upset. You have to start
with whatever is upsetting them, then you can teach!
T. Hernandez > DrLauraMarkham • 5 years ago

Yes, AND...
Sometimes children need to learn that there is a also a hierarchy of priorities in
life, in which their feelings will unfortunately not ALWAYS be addressed "first", just
as OUR emotions (as adults) will not always be addressed first in various
moments of urgency.
Now, if we consistently DO address and process emotions, then a person will feel
emotionally balanced and emotionally "fed", so they can go on the occasional
analogous emotional "fast" when clearly necessary.
becky • 6 years ago

Love this article. It is such a refreshing reminder that I need to work on keeping my own calm to
teach my toddler. Here is my issue- when my almost 2 year old is misbehaving and testing
limits, I can see that he is missing that connection with me because I'm breastfeeding my 7
week old. How do I reconnect with him when he is acting out, testing, doing the opposite of what
I ask, when I am trying to nurse a baby? That's when I lose my cool. Because I cant do two
things at once, I want my toddler to obey, but he doesn't. I know he's jealous that I'm holding the
baby, but I can't seem to juggle giving him the immediate attention to get him to stop what he's
doing all while breastfeeding. Any suggestions?
DrLauraMarkham Mod > becky • 6 years ago

Becky-
This is indeed tough. Our genetics are from the Stone Age, since evolution proceeds
very slowly. So kids notice when our attention is elsewhere (baby, computer, phone) and
get anxious. (What if a tiger jumps out of the bushes?) They feel a NEED to get our
attention. So they act out. I suggest:
1. Be sure that you are spending one on one time every single day with your two year old
without the baby around.
2. Before you nurse the baby, be sure you spend some time connecting with your older
child and
pouring your love into him.
3. Welcome your older child to stay close. Even if you love rocking chairs, it’s worth
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4. Offer to read to him. Have a stack of library books nearby that your child hasn’t yet
(/)
see more
Laura Owen Pearson • 6 years ago • edited

The Emotion Coach really hit home when I read it. My 6 year old has started "Sassing" and gets
very upset quickly over things. A lot of changes have happened in the last 5-6 months and she
is getting counseling for that but how do I help her understand that when she says she wants a
different mommy (only when I discipline, no spanking here) or backtalks its not appropriate
behavior. I was a child who disliked being told to do anything and held a lot of resentment
towards my parents. I don't want that relationship with either of my children. I don't agree with
spanking but do use time outs and taking privileges away (ie tv). I just want her to understand
that I know exactly how she feels but its not okay to talk back and be sassy. I asked her if she
thinks about my feelings and how hurt I can be by her words. She says no. Help.
DrLauraMarkham Mod > Laura Owen Pearson • 6 years ago

It is not inappropriate for your six year old to say she wants a different mommy. She is
not being sassy. She does not really understand what it means, but she is telling you as
best she can that she is very angry at you.
Can you take a deep breath and say "You are telling me you want a different
mommy...You must be so upset at me...Tell me what's upsetting you, Sweetie."
She'll tell you. That's good. She needs to feel heard.
Reflect: "So you're mad because I won't let you watch TV...You don't think that's
fair....Sweetie, I know how much you wanted to watch...We don't have time now, because
you didn't want to leave the park and come home...I know you're disappointed... we can
watch tomorrow, but no tv today."
Will she still be mad? Of course. But as you show her that you understand how she feels,
I am betting that she will stop wanting a new mommy. Because even though she won't
get everything she wants, she will get something better: Someone who understands, no
matter what.
Later, of course, you can check in with her with a hug and a smile. "Do you still want a
new mommy?" And you can point out that such statements hurt, and that you'd like her to
tell you directly when she's angry.
Nikki Nicholas • 6 years ago

My question is, what happens when all of these things DON'T work??? I try all of these on a
daily basis but my child refuses to listen or cooperate. I try understanding, I try setting limits, all
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makes everyone feel bad (myself for days on end). Nothing is working and I'm at my wits end.
(/)
DrLauraMarkham Mod > Nikki Nicholas • 6 years ago
Nikki-
That sounds really hard. It sounds to me like your three year old needs some help with
his feelings, and needs to feel more connected to you. Do you have my book? It
addresses exactly these issues, so kids WANT to cooperate. It's called Peaceful Parent,
Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Here's the amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/pr...
Samantha Ryan • 6 years ago

It is so helpful to read these posts. I find that I am better able to draw upon stored vocabulary
and phrases to use that are kinder when I am struggling to feel calm and kind. I find it
particularly challenging to navigate when my child is so upset and talking and acknowledging his
feelings seems to work him into more of a frenzy and he uses escalating dialogue. I can tell he's
needing help because he continues to re-engage even when offered space. I'm sure I haven't
found the key approach- I think myself unlucky only if he stops "asking for help" and shuts down.
DrLauraMarkham Mod > Samantha Ryan • 6 years ago
Samantha- When kids are in a frenzy, talking is usually a bad idea. So you don't need to
use many words. Just say, in a very sympathetic voice. "Oh, Sweetie, I am so sorry this
is so hard." And, by the way, if he needs to re-engage, it's because he needs to feel
connected to you, to feel safe enough to deal with the feelings. Kids don't work through
their feelings when we give them space. That just makes them stuff the feelings, because
they're all alone with them and it doesn't feel safe. Do you have my book? It goes into
detail about how to help kids with their emotions. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To
Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Here's the amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/pr...
Samantha Ryan > DrLauraMarkham • 6 years ago

That is a great point, of course. Your book is high on my to get list already- trust
me. I saw a change today by just saying that and it was so nice. *ahhhhh* It is so
hard to watch them struggle, though now I can more easily let him know that he
isn't alone in that. <3
christinagundlach • 7 years ago

I needed this today. Total meltdown this morning. Thank you for sharing with us!!!
We useSarah • 7 to
cookies years ago your online experience. If you continue on this website, you will be providing
improve
All those examples seem very nice and neat. But what if your three year old pees on the floor or
throws his shoes out the car window, because he is just being a wart? I mean, sometimes he
just seems bad. Harmless bad, and he's usually darling, but he occasionally can do just totally
(/) thing I can manage. I'd like to be
annoying stuff, and a time out (without shrieking) is the nicest
more constructive, but how?
DrLauraMarkham Mod > Sarah • 7 years ago
Sarah- A three year old is not "bad". He is showing you he needs your help. Have you
read the discipline section of this website? http://www.ahaparenting.com...
ALSO ON AHA! PARENTING
Desperate to Get Baby to Sleep IEP for 7 year old with Tourettes,
1 comment • 3 years ago ADHD,OCD and Anxiety Disorder
Isabel Brinck — Thanks! 4 comments • 3 years ago
Avatar jackie sebell — Ashley,Did you request the IEP
Avatarevaluation in writing through the school? It
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11/13/2019 What To Say Instead of Punishing To Teach a Lesson

Aha! Parenting Blog (/blog)

Monday, November 11, 2019

When you start doing daily preventive maintenance

Calm yourself, which teaches your child how to calm himself.

1. Set appropriate limits, with an understanding of your child's perspective.

What does your child learn?

2. Acknowledge feelings while you set limits.

What does your child learn?

What does your child learn?

What does your child learn?

5. Help your child re ect.

What does your child learn?

“It’s possible to stay calm and come up with solutions.”

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22 Comments Aha! Parenting 

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Hue Baby • 5 years ago

Kristi • 6 years ago

Katrina Suzanne Eowyn Hanneman > Kristi • 5 years ago

Ashley Yu > Kristi • 6 years ago

DrLauraMarkham Mod > Kristi • 6 years ago

Agnessa Kulakov • 6 years ago

debsaid • 6 years ago

Umm Khalid > debsaid • 6 years ago

DrLauraMarkham Mod > debsaid • 6 years ago

T. Hernandez > DrLauraMarkham • 5 years ago

becky • 6 years ago

DrLauraMarkham Mod > becky • 6 years ago

4 Off t d t hi H t k f lib b k b th t hild h ’t t

Laura Owen Pearson • 6 years ago • edited

DrLauraMarkham Mod > Laura Owen Pearson • 6 years ago

She'll tell you. That's good. She needs to feel heard.

Nikki Nicholas • 6 years ago

Samantha Ryan • 6 years ago

DrLauraMarkham Mod > Samantha Ryan • 6 years ago

Samantha Ryan > DrLauraMarkham • 6 years ago

christinagundlach • 7 years ago

DrLauraMarkham Mod > Sarah • 7 years ago

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Managing Ourselves (34) (/Blog/Tag/Managing_Ourselves/)

Mindful Parenting (33) (/Blog/Tag/Mindful_Parenting/)

School (1) (/Blog/Tag/School/)

Siblings (8) (/Blog/Tag/Siblings/)

Tantrums (5) (/Blog/Tag/Tantrums/)

Unconditional Love (16) (/Blog/Tag/Unconditional_love/)