CHAPTER 3:

Hedging Tactics and Safety Lines

To Be Ambiguous Or Vague
Closely related to the withdrawal tactic is the hedging tactic. It often initiates a definitive
withdrawal. It uses intentionally ambiguous terms or vague expressions. Should your own
position be endangered, you simply fall back on a meaning that escapes the attack.

Example

Michael: "Of course, with aggressive pricing policy, I did not mean that we should enter a
price war with our competitors, but only that we should be more flexible in our pricing
policy."
In his statement, Michael immediately reinstated a safeguard by speaking of a "flexible
pricing policy.” This position is difficult to attract because it is hard to narrow down.
Depending on the point of view of the interlocutor, importance can be selected from the
vague field of "flexible pricing policy.”
The hedging tactic is a typical maneuver of the op-opportunist, who does not commit to
anything and then joins the opinion that promises the safe profit.

Defense

Ask the manipulator to re-pinpoint his position. Retreat to hidden restrictions. Sometimes
the manipulator tries to build in safety lines already in the formulation of his point of view.
We have already met with one in the last section. Another security option is hidden
restrictions.
What can be understood by a hidden restriction? Your interlocutor actually made a
limitation when formulating his position. Over this restriction, however, he goes so far
afield in the further course of his argument, so that the statement finally makes a more
absolute impression than it should make by the restriction actually. The listener escapes this
hidden limitation error.

Example
Manuela tries to convince her supervisor that the tasks in the team should be redistributed
and a separate team meeting should be called.
Manuela: "Practically all the team members are in favor of having a meeting in which we
discuss the matter of task distribution. This was shown by the discussions I had with the
team. I think that with this unanimity, we should plan such a meeting concretely.”
The term "practical" limits the scope of Manuela's claim. But she continues as if all the
members had really been questioned. This inaccuracy is often used for purely tactical
reasons. If the audience or the listener should not accept the point of view, then the
argument has the opportunity to talk himself out. Manuela could deny her original statement
and claim that she spoke only of a "large majority" who were in favor of the team meeting.
This tactic provides a retreat option should the manipulator be in distress.
Other typical expressions with a limiting effect are:

basically essentially
for the most part

under certain conditions

in principle

Such limiting formulations are not in themselves incorrect or incorrect. However, there is
an error of reasoning or an error in the presentation of one's own point of view when
presenting a limited assertion is an absolute assertion.
Hidden restrictions are often and gladly used when there is no definite evidence of a well-
established connection and there is a reasoning gap. So, although only a weak assertion is
possible, it becomes a strong claim in the course of the discussion. The danger of making
weak claims strong is above all when it comes to describing human behavior and providing
psychological explanations. For most psychological facts and contexts allow only very
weak claims.

Example

Harald explains his psychological theory: "Every person belongs to a certain type. Some
react more to visual stimuli, some more to auditory stimuli. If someone says to you, 'I'd like
to have a closer look', then he's usually a visual guy. Now you need to use a language that
appeals to him as a visual eye and gives him visual stimuli. "
On the one hand, Harald makes a very strong statement, emphasizing that every person
belongs to a certain type; on the other hand, he uses very cautious phrasing that limits this
standpoint. He speaks of some people who are more responsive to visual stimuli and some
more to auditory stimuli. Does that show that every human being belongs to a certain type?

Defense

Notice whether the manipulator uses restrictive phrases that are later secretly deleted,
elevating the initial weak claim to a strong claim. Ask the manipulator what exactly his
claim is. So ask him for a clarification of his standpoint.

Example

Ludwig reacts to Harald's theory. Ludwig: "How exactly is that? Does that mean that each
person is assigned to a certain type, or does it mean that
some people can be assigned to a specific type? "Ludwig asks Harald to specify his actual
thesis.

Say No
Think globally, move limitlessly - we all want that. But at the same time, we also
experience constraints: We have to prove ourselves every day in order to not lose our jobs.
We want to sell our services to our customers. We want to work cooperatively as a team.
And at home, we need harmony to fill up. It hardly seems possible to delineate oneself, to
say no.
And then there are the fellow human beings who chase us a yes without us wanting it: the
saleswoman, who gushes us an expensive face cream, the boss, who pushes us extra work
on our desk, or a friend, his request like that nicely packaged that we meet them.
No-saying is taboo. Although we take liberties here and there. But we do not always allow
ourselves to express the boundaries we need openly and clearly. But that is precisely what
is important to make us feel good and to work (and live) in an innovative and goal-oriented
way.
How do you succeed? Learn to recognize the situations in which you have previously failed
a no and begin to positively identify and move forward in your own personal way.
Find the right no in every situation. We all know situations in which the no does not come
to our lips, or in which after a no everything remains the same. In this chapter you read,

how you learn to say no even though you want to say yes

how to find out in which situations this happens to you and how you can do it
better now and
 how to recognize and deal with internal conflicts.

Recognize Typical Situations

In daily life, there are many occasions when it would be better and better to say no. Analyze
the circumstances.

Example

Mr. M. has been too busy for weeks. That his desk is too full is not up to him. Since his
colleague has fallen ill, pile the file mountains. His colleague L. is in his office with an
urgent new project. "Yes, I can see that," says Mr. M., "that's my responsibility."
Do you know any conversational situations in which your feelings say: Something is going
wrong. But before you know what that might be, the situation is already decided - the other
one got rid of "his problem.” You have it on the table. Only later does it occur to you: a
simple no would have been enough. Often, it's not about a strict no, for example, in
situations where it would be too confusing to draw such sharp boundaries. The harsh no is
not necessary if a clear "not enough" is enough. Some people react promptly - even in
situations of surprise. But what to do if you are not so quick-witted yourself? Analyze
clutter situations in which you have thoughtlessly said yes. Think about how you would
have reacted better. If this is difficult for you, you should get support, for example from a
good colleague or a trusted person. Next time you will make such a situation more active.

Come On The Tricks

I would like to introduce you to a series of situations where was left unsaid. Some will be
familiar to you. And why this exploration tour? If we know our typical traps, then we can
bypass them - we can even take a completely different path. Often we know that we have
something and we know that it does not do us good. And unfortunately, we do not look
there exactly as usual. This brings a temporary advantage: we barely notice our weaknesses.
But this blur also "costs": We do the same again and again. Stop! Lean back a moment:
Identify the situations in which you regularly miss a no that would have been made.
How much energy will cost you the extra project (which your colleague presses on your
eye), the wasted money (about an unnecessary expense that you've got yourself chewed up),
the annoyance about it ...? How would you like to use all this energy?

Trap 1: Self-Image "Prudent Manager"

Example
The management style of Mrs. K. is that she has an open ear for the concerns of her
coworkers. Not only because she is a nice person and a prudent leader. But she knows she's
spending time learning what's going on in the department. Today she is totally under
pressure. She does not know where to start. In addition, she is missing the nerve, because
just came to a call that her mother is in the hospital. Now Mr. S. has a concern, and Mrs. K.
does not even have the head to ask, "Is it really so urgent? What's it all about?" So she
waves Mr. S. into the room, puts on a business-like face and displaces her personal worries.
In everyday life, some people do not allow themselves to admit their own weaknesses, they
overburden themselves with good intentions. They feel that they are not fulfilling their role,
doing their job well or being vulnerable to admitting that their limit is reached at the
moment. With some distance, they (and Ms. K.) would quickly see: No-saying is possible
much more often than we think. It is important to keep the other's face. Mrs. K. could have
appreciated Mr. S.'s concern. But then she would have asked for an understanding of her
situation (and did not explain it further)

a reasonable, understandable limit. Mr. S. would probably have looked her over, even if he
was slowed down by the fact that his question initially remains unanswered.

Trap 2: Harmonious Aspects

Many No could come in sympathy if you would say so. Often, however, we do the
opposite. Especially in private, we want to prevent with consent or favor, that the harmony
is disturbed - or worse: that we are the ones who disturb the harmony by our refusal. Or we
say no at first, but then fold in and half-heartedly agree. But such a bill is rare, neither
private nor professional. When we do what we are asked to do, or we think that it is the
harmony that serves, without us even wanting it, we are often disappointed with the
consequences: no heaven opens. No fanfares sound.
It is sometimes quite easy to say with a wink "Nope" to delineate and thus even to convey
the other person: "You are still sympathetic to me."

Trap 3: Perfectionism
Sometimes you do not have to say no to someone else, but to a blocking part of yourself.
It's not always about setting boundaries, but about being careful not to fall into a trap of
your own.

Example

Mrs. B. experiences an extremely stressful phase in the job. The whole production has to
be finished. And then the most important customer has a request - which can not leave
Mrs. B. Her biggest trap, she knows, is her perfectionism. Ms. B. is processing the request
without regard to her other work. She does not get support in the team or the supervisor
and makes a costly mistake.
It takes practice to set limits yourself. For some, it is a real test of courage to stop the inner
perfectionist. And for someone else, it can be very important to get your inner pig dog off
and get involved in a crucial situation. Who actually goes ahead with this step sees soon:
It's worth it, and many a mistake can be effectively prevented.

Trap 4: Role Conflicts

Perhaps you also know that: Many a no result from a context that is not alone responsible.
We play many roles in our professional and private life. At work alone, for example:

your own personality,

holder of a function (eg sales representative),

holder of a hierarchical position within the company (eg head of the sales
department),

a representative of the house to the outside,

also colleagues and participants at the departmental Stammtisch.

We take on some of these roles at the same time. Now it can happen that we are on the
road as a leader, but we feel addressed as a private person in a question from an employee -
or vice versa. The roles are related to different interests, goals, and styles. And so it may
happen that we have to say no, because a concept requires it, even though the inner voice
wants to say yes. It helps to be aware of its roles and the corresponding different goals -
because without this "role clarification" we become confused. It's like having several vital
dogs on a leash pulling us in opposite directions. One sometimes forgets that one is
actually master of the situation and should pretend where to go.

Example

Mr. Z. is a magazine editor. In his editorial B. author B., whom he had canceled days
before a contribution. B. argues and argues. Mr. Z. is personally concerned with B.'s topic,
but the contribution simply does not fit - this was decided at a conference. Mr. Z. turns,
stops and stays with the no and becomes a target of the whole disappointment of B. After
the phone call Mr. Z. feels completely burned out.
Mr. Z. would have liked the situation more easily if he had realized what his many roles
are. Then he would have come up with the right words with which he would have made it
clear: He has personal preferences, but unfortunately the need for the magazine is a
completely different one.
Learn to spontaneously take a clear view of your situation. Then influence where you can,
and do not fight against something you can not change.

Trap 5: Misjudgment
Maybe you also know this version of a missed no: One does not trust you something. But it
may not be because of your performance, or in a mistake, you made in the past, but simply
in another person's assessment.

Example

Mrs. C. returns to the job after the second parental leave. She is very motivated and wants
to start again. The first two team meetings are friendly - she is still working. When she
wants to take over her role in the third team meeting, which deals with responsibilities for
new projects, her boss says: "No, you can not do that in your situation anymore."
Mrs. C. is touched by the blow. And keep silent. The answer that comes to mind ("Can
you really judge that you have no children"), she seems snotty. So she says nothing.
The vehemence and underlying attitude of Mrs. C. are understandable and appropriate. The
following simple answer would have been perfectly appropriate: "Yes." Sometimes a no to
the no of another is required.

Case 6: Too Many Requirements

The craft fair is in full swing. A good opportunity to use contacts for your own business
thinks Mr. T. He is well involved in his industry, the suppliers appreciate him and invite
him to many trade fairs. But Mr. T. sits between all the chairs because he has to finish an
elaborate product line in the company, and at home, his little daughter can not handle her
new class teacher.
He should actually start jogging in the woods again to get rid of his tension, but he does
not want to miss the mess. He is stuck. Suddenly he does not remember what is good and
right. He does not dare give in to his feelings. Yes, he is not sure what he feels anymore.
Above all, he is afraid to miss something.
Mr. T. should take some distance from the situation. With a waking look, he would easily
recognize: Some no is in the direct sense "healthy" - to hem it, on the other hand, can be
another step on the burnout.
Not - Without Mercy
Incidentally, there are situations in which one has to delineate oneself in order to be true to
oneself. When it comes to one's own values, one should not risk a delay but must be
courageous - not for others, but for oneself.

Example

Ms. A. does not miss a meeting of her professional association - the event is ideal for her
to inform and exchange information. Actually, one meets collegially; one knows each other
for a long time. But it is about status, power, and influence. Since the bus radio works, Ms.
A. only needs to unlock her ears to hear it drumming. Colleague C. expresses himself in
the meeting break very derogatory about an East German colleague - his clothes, his
Romanian wife, his dialect, etc. Mrs. A. is horrified. But as she fears an attack on her
person, when she openly appeals to Mr. C.'s fairness, she says nothing but leaves the
assembly angrily.
Some no are due - for example, unfair behavior in the team. No - without mercy. Make
such a clear statement clearly. And if possible, get support and approval from others.

First Countermeasure: Demand Time

Example

The door opens, Mr. P. sticks his head in and says to the colleague H.: "Can you call the
company Z. quickly and cancel the order? I urgently need to be the boss."
Mr. H. says yes because he immediately recognizes the importance and urgency: It is about
an important customer and a large volume. But when his colleague is already out the door,
it occurs to him that he would need much more information and preparation to make the
phone call.
Colleague P. has, of course, assumed that his colleague does him the favor
that's what he likes. But he would have needed a moment to exchange - the moment that
Mr. P. left him was just enough for approval.
In some situations, it is more appropriate to take the room to say yes or no. Perhaps Mr.
H.'s task would have been really easy if he had previously said: "Yes, but I need some info
for that." He could also have said, "Sorry, no, I do not have the preparation for such a
call."
People who find it hard to answer a "No" occasionally fall into a trap: they see the need of
the other and agree. Now consent is not always wrong - we work together and it depends
on whether the borders are handled flexibly or not. But if you are one of the sympathetic
attunners, then get used to the following: Before you decide Yes, consider whether you
have all the information you need to take on the job. Why? Can you do that? Do you want
that? Do you have any of this? Say yes only then. Or say no.
How does it go from here? Let's say you can say no tomorrow and set yourself apart. It
becomes constructive only when you can then continue the situation. To do this you should
have an idea or develop what might follow your no.
Do you like fairytales?
Do you belong to those who feel that they are always in the same trap? Then I tell you a
fairy tale.
Once upon a time, a man ran down a street, fell into a pit, rubbed his eyes, and set out to
come out again. He could not do it alone, but someone helped him, so he got back on the
street and kept walking.
The next day he was back on the road, and when he had a strange idea, he had already
fallen into the same pit. He reproached himself for being late. And contrite he called a
passer-by for help and came with his support on the street.
One day he ran down a street. His gut feeling told him: Attention. Shucks, again he found
himself in the well-known pit. Desperate as he was, he knew he had no advice. After a
while, he remembered the way out of the pit and found it too.
And, of course, he went back up the street, a little stiff. He looked for the same trap. There
was the pit. He tried to stare into the depths of its edge with a fixed look ... and found
himself after a moment of horror yet again on her ground. The way out was easy.
The next day he came to a crossroads, wanted to follow the way he had lived, thought for a
moment ... and went to another.
No wrong compromises
How do we actually get into situations in which we repeatedly make the same reproach:
Had I only remembered, not again!
Assertiveness is part of this when we want to "make our way.” In some situations,
however, enforcement and demarcation are perceived as conflictual - a mini-conflict. That
may be the reason why some people avoid this path. The fact is, people are following
different paths in how they represent their interests. How would you describe yourself?
Where do you see yourself? Can you assign your behavior to specific situations? Or does
your approach have to do with the attitude of your counterpart? And if so, with which?

CHAPTER 4:
 Recognize and Use Conflict Styles

W e can only touch on the mini-conflict topic here. Nevertheless, there are different
ways to behave in a conflict - and accordingly, say no.

Compete: Arm yourself, if you meet someone with this style – there is no
cooperation possible, but hard negotiation. However, please do not evaluate
this style: For some topics, you just have to prevail. Here is the hard no.

Avoid: This is conflict avoidance. It can be useful, for example, if there is a

clear power relationship and you would lose out. However, if you catch
yourself regularly with this style, go in for yourself otherwise, with such
behavior, you will not get further. Here you might suspect that you say no to
your own interests. Tip: Practice other styles too!

Customize: In working life, it makes sense and necessary to adapt to a higher-

level goal. It is gratifying if you yourself have worked on this overall goal. But
keep your own well- being, your own success in mind: Are you one of the
people who think that shared interests are more important than your own
interests? In the long run, that can not be good. Also, stand up for your own
interests - risk the "no" to others.
Find compromises: A compromise can be an efficient solution. But beware:
Often you come to compromises that are lazy. Two parties are a little bit
different from their interests, but through the back door, they only lobby for
their own interests or invest nothing in the compromised project - because they
are frustrated by the inadequate solution should actually renegotiate. If you are
not careful, here stands the thing- not a yes and not a no. Be sure to check your
compromise for authenticity.

Conflict Types: Different Styles To Represent One's Own

Interests

Cooperate: All work together on equal terms and with a common goal. But
hand on heart: how often do you reach this royal road? Often we think we
cooperate, and we accuse the other of not doing so. Real cooperation can be
sought. But be aware that you rarely ever reach them. If one wanted to find a
"No" here, then it would be the one to delimit disturbances: "Here, go for
cooperation. Disturbances stay out."
And? Did you find yourself in the conflict type? Often one or two styles are typical for us.
However, it can broaden our horizons if we recognize the other styles and make them
usable.
The moral of the story: If you have always said good-naturedly, say no to what harms you
and what you do not feel like doing. Think more about what is good for you, what you
need and what moves you and your tasks forward. If it continues after a no as before, they
have come to a no. They have prepared themselves and thought again and again. The
precarious situation has finally come. They say no. And then?

Example

Ms. B. had been praying to her boss for a conversation that he would not leave her written
questions so long because she was blocking this in her work. She prepares everything in
such a way that he can write down his
"Okay" after a short scrolling. Often this would not happen. She had to write down what
she had handed him. She is often stupid in front of customers and colleagues because they
lacked documents. She did not want that anymore. And she wishes either a different
approach or a quick okay - as discussed.
The boss has responded very sympathetically to their pronunciation. He even thanked for
their feedback."It's good that you get in touch,” he said. He would take that into account.
Nothing has changed since then.
And now? Admittedly, it is difficult to stay in such a situation, but it is necessary. First of
all, you should check to see if the delineation that was "not so" or if you are about to bite
on granite. If you are convinced that you are on the right track then you should stick to it.
Lay down. In the checklist "Conduct clarification talks" you will find the most important
dos and don'ts.

First Aid Cards

Good preparation is "half the battle.” With her, you get to the point: What is important to
you? It is also important to prepare for possible disruptions and counterarguments.
Especially with recurring situations, it can be helpful to write first aid cards.
These cards are like a first aid kit for the verbal emergency. On them, you can formulate
sentences that will pull you out of the mess if you do not know about the situation and you
can think of nothing. For example: "I understand that you are currently in stress. But for
me, it's very important that we discuss this now. "
You can always pick up first aid cards and remember your phrases so that you no longer
react automatically but are prepared - they help you in recurring situations. Here is a
discussion with a supervisor - but you can also reformulate and adapt it for conversations
with colleagues, partners, landlords, sellers, customers ...

Checklist: Conduct Clarification Talks

Go to the boss and ask for an appointment for a conversation. Tell him the
reason. Avoid an intermediate door-and-door situation. Also, when the
conversation takes place tomorrow, mention the reason or topic.

Share your goal of the conversation: You want to be able to voice your
concerns and find a common solution with your boss.

Take your share of responsibility for the conversation.

Share your observations and feelings. Ask if your request has become clear.

Try to find out the causes together. Are there any open questions? What costs,
damages, effects are there?

Summarize the results. Take into account different opinions. Until when
exactly should the solution be implemented? Attention: Threat only if you are
willing to pull them.

Others Are Only Human

See other people as positive as you would like to be perceived: with good intentions.
Everyone deserves his second chance. Go in and develop "working hypotheses" (read the
following checklist: self-coaching). How could one handle the situation? What alternatives
exist?

Example

Ms. B. would have reduced her message to the request: "Not so, please different." Then
her boss would have apologized for his workload as a reason and acquitted them of the
requirement to submit everything again.
They can prepare well for such talks and thus contribute to their success. But also relieve
yourself by consulting with others - in your company or outside. In a consultation or
coaching session, you have the opportunity to
discuss a stressful, stressful situation - and receive feedback and support from an outsider.
Use the method of self-coaching for small questions.

Self-Coaching
Where can you find support? Where do you get help when you stall on your many
assignments - when the deadline that you desperately need to reach your goal has burst? If
nothing works with the service provider - no communication, no clarification? If the new
assistant cheerfully goes to work, but unfortunately not really as you need it? What do you
do in times when you are un-concentrated, the pressure is growing, at home, the house is
hanging wrong and your health is not quite along? If you secretly want to get into your car
on the business car park to go on vacation right away?
For some, it helps to go to the colleague's office and speak out. Or he leafs through
management books, one of which is next to the desk, and looks for helpful ideas. Some
people leave their clarification until they meet their partner or best friend. Already the
preparation for such a conversation works. Maybe a strong espresso will help too? But you
can also coach yourself by taking notes as if the sheet of paper is the conversation partner.
Say yes to yourself. Rely on your own competencies with which you also master your
functions brilliantly and use them for yourself. Be an expert on your own.
Self-coaching is a method of casting one's gaze on a situation without external support.
Make yourself an expert in your stressful moments. Cultivate the art of soliloquy with
stress and demarcation problems - here are some suggestions:
Checklist — self-coaching:

How is the situation in fact?

How can I name my demarcation problem in a few words? In my opinion,

what is the problem of the person involved?
Does the situation require a decision immediately? Or can that wait?

How do I evaluate the situation?

How important is that? What is the priority? In my opinion, what does the other
need? What is my job right now?

Where do I still lack information? What else should I clarify?

Am I responsible?
 With which aspect may I switch off completely? How do I feel about the
situation?

Is this situation really unfavorable for me? What do I need now?

What / who would support me?

At which point exactly do I have to delineate myself? How am I actually? Note

here:

Is there a different perspective? What is behind it?

How would I think about it tomorrow / in five years?

What advice would I give to a friend, would he be in the same situation?

What would the manager tell me, would he secretly be my mentor?

How would another person see this?

What do I get from that? How does this help me?

Can I learn something from the situation? Is this new to me?

Can I make something positive out of this? Note here:

This is how you master unfair situations. Some people not only have a different style in
stressful situations than we do (see graphic conflict types in the section "No false
compromises"), but they deliberately do not like us well.
There are people who do not collapse under the weight of their jobs because they have
developed strategies and games to get other people to work.
On the subject of "lack of fairness,” that's different: When you're meeting types of players,
please do not bother speculating on the reasons for their behavior. The question "Why are
they doing this?" does not help here.
The question is even counterproductive because you open yourself to the other with a why
- and it's just about the opposite: to delineate the behavior of these people. The way there:

Recognize unfair behavior.

Protect yourself. This works, for example, by seeing someone else behind a
pane of glass or by tensing your body and folding your arms. Legitim is
everything that spontaneously supports you. Think, "This is none of my
business."
 Imagine a repertoire of your own strategies: unmasking, avoiding, swiftly
avoiding ...

If you have withdrawn your no, you do not see it as defeat, but as an
opportunity: analyze the situation - perhaps with the help of a helpful person -
and change it next time.
Some games we consider harmless. Are they really? "No, it can now be stolen from me."
"Well, I'll show it ..." Do not play unfair games. Make it a habit to pull "clean" borders. In
the following checklist, you will read about some common games - and ideas to deal
constructively with them. However, this is easier to read than to implement in your day.
You may find it helpful to attend a rhetoric or conflict seminar that uses video recording.
While this may be exciting at first, and perhaps even embarrassing, it is definitely an
excellent opportunity to experience action and well-meaning feedback. Try it.
With "player types,” it pays to stay in the no-no longer, looking for reasons. Stay with
your cause and appreciate the people. Because: Such behavior is not always connected to
evil intentions.

The Game: You are negotiating with the architect and his assistant for the
redesign of their offices - they say no to the suddenly skyrocketing costs. The
architect "plays" aggressively (wants to enforce his expensive new concept),
the assistant plays the good (understands you, makes good mood). They start
to waver because the "good" is so nice. Stop: Stay with no. Remember your
interests and your limits.

You have rejected the offer of an important customer. The Game: You are
threatened with a deadline: If you have not agreed until the morning, then you
will basically rethink the cooperation with your company. Stop: If anyone
threatens you, avoid the confrontation as much as possible. Stay with your
demarcated attitude, but speak diplomatically. You can easily change the
playing field by asking for further information and promising the next meeting.
Say you want to discuss with your supervisor or something similar.

The game: You have demarcated yourself in a negotiation with your boss, and
he leaves the room angrily. Stop: Do not react. Just stay with your cause. To
the other, his own behavior will be unpleasant. Make it clear to him that you
distinguish between person and thing. On the subject you have a mindset that
you can discuss, you disagree with his behavior.
The game: Your landlord builds up after your justified No to increase the rent
of your office space by threatening with notice and with the lawyer. Stop:
separate the topics. Power is an issue, your no in the matter of another. Try to
 communicate that.

They talked to somebody, and it's clear to you, that's out of the question. You
do not do him a favor. Your desk is too full. The Game: He accepts, but lays
down a few hours later with a new request. Stop: Do not respond to the
changed request. For you, the thing is unchanged.

Which games do you know? Which stop signals are helpful for you? Which naysayer type
are you?
In certain situations, we mean: we could not act differently - and therefore have not
delineated, has once again not clearly enough said no. Often, this has nothing to do with the
external circumstances, but with internal imprints and behavioral patterns.
In this chapter you read:

where your inner voice comes from and how you can silence it,

how your self-image emerges and where you can influence it and

How do you learn to say no, depending on your naysayer type?

What prevents us personally from saying no? Why does the missed no make life difficult
for me? Why does not it help us to insist on having a "no desire" task? And how does it
happen that with a no, we occasionally block not only others but ourselves as well?
This change of perspective easily (and understandably) triggers a defense. Why me? I
already do everything I can. My colleague, my boss, my neighbor, the seller, these are
people who chase me a yes, even though I should actually say no or wanted.

CHAPTER 5:
Identify Your Impellers

W e all know the situations in which we do not feel well. The transactional analysis (a
psychological method used in seminars, for example, Schlegel, 1993) makes it
understandable that in such
situations we are often "driven" by a behavior that is typical of us.
In this method, one evaluates the so-called An-drivers as originally parental messages.
Especially under stress, they come to fruition and we believe that we are only in order if we
behave in a certain way. This is based, for example, on what parents have desired, or it is a
childlike decision based on concrete experiences. For example, a mother may be mentally
ill, and her instability may so confuse the child that she decides to always be strong. An
impeller is a survival strategy that can not be turned off easily.
We have learned these impellers - they are familiar to us, we have become accustomed to
them. Strangely, that's why they love us. Some typical stress messages are: Be sweet, be
quick, be perfect, be strong, etc., to be okay.

The Five Naysayers Types

Here are five of these typical naysayer types: the avoiders, the self- renegades, the fighters,
the jacks, the jein-sagers. Find out which typical behavior you follow and how you can arm
yourself against it (see also the
example Kreyenberg, 2005). It will happen to you a lot known. Then ask yourself: what are
the commandments and prohibitions in my ear? Whose voice do I hear?
You will learn what your strengths are, that you can benefit un-weighted. You can use these
strengths to get ahead and achieve your goals in a positive way. Here are your hidden best
strategies!

How You See Yourself And How Others See You

A typical behavior has a catch: Not only you feel the effects of "old" patterns. Others
perceive something about you that you are not in control of and that is beyond your control.
The view of others has consequences for you: It may be, for example, that you are so
obviously a perfectionist that others rely on this gift. Even if you delineate, you still send
out messages that your colleague perceives: "He says no, but you know that he will master
it in the end."
Now I'm not telling you this to frustrate you. My intention is to draw a picture for you: It's
worth knowing yourself. By self-examination, we achieve this and get an idea of how
others see us. We all have, if you will, a part in us that reflects our childlike self. He is
convinced of the commandments and prohibitions of his parents. This image should not be
tapped scientifically here. It's just to explain why we stick to certain sentences so
persistently. There is potential for a positive demarcation and an effective no.
Get on the track. Identify your drivers and get to know your weaknesses and strengths.
Which naysayer type do you best dispose of?
Avoiders and escapers enjoy the cooperation. They like closeness and security. In the team,
they are the good soul. Harmony is so important to them that they put their own interests
back. As avoiders, one has learned to rely on one's intuition in relationships. You promote
harmony and create something in common. That's a nice gift.
But when it comes to stress, you do not delineate yourself sufficiently, do not have your
own opinion and can hardly say no. Even if it does not
improve the result, it is better to work in a team than alone. One is bogged down in
"atmospheric-spherical" and in many contacts, and one avoids conflicts that disturb the
harmony. Devotion to a project is important to an avoider, even if that is not effective at the
moment.
This is how you learn as avoider naysay:

Make your inner "Be nice" a permit: Appreciate yourself from now on!

Ask others specifically about their assessment or opinion, instead of reading

between the lines.

Ask others how they perceive you: as a person, in your role, in different tasks.
How do you experience your ability to self- consciously set limits?

Be good to yourself.

Ask others for a favor. If they agree, make sure they redeem it. Express
yourself if you disagree with something. Specifically,
say what you want instead.

Say no, if that's what you mean. Do without any justification. Set friendly
limits. Often a clear inner attitude is enough.

In which traps do you fall? Which games do you fall for? How much does that cost you?
And if you dare to say no, what do you gain by that?
Your no will bring you new experiences: you will carry on with tasks, projects, and
concerns that are close to your heart - you will no longer deal with special layers that others
have imposed on you without your full consent. Your ability to empathize is almost a
guarantee that you will be positive. Use this strength - it's yours already. Practice in the
formulation of what you really mean. Enjoy that you feel a certain loyalty in projects and
discussions - that is a gift and nothing that others may demand. Look forward to the passion
and dedication that you bring to projects. That's why you can really envy you.

The Self-Renouncers: "Be perfect"

We also got to know the self-renegades in the conflict section - the adaptation is typical for
them. They stand in favor of one thing, one guideline, one (own) claim and still, they
impress us very much at times.
Self-renouncers start as soon as they have grasped a thing. Then, they think about how to
do it best. Wonderful for the others to have a perfectionist in the team - in case of doubt he
bends everything right now. As a self-renunciate, you have learned to work optimally. You
organize well and plan for others. You like a certain order and have a sense of structure.
When it comes to stress, however, it's hard to set priorities and bring concepts to an end.
Content and feelings that do not fit into the picture are rated as annoying and as bad
critique. You can be very irritated by surprising behavior or by sudden changes. It is
difficult to work on assignments and conflicts that do not correspond to one's own feelings
or one's own assessments.
So you learn Through Self Denial:

Make your inner dogma "Be Perfect": Immediately convinced that you are
good enough, just as you are!

Ask others how they perceive you: as a person, in your function, at different
tasks. How do you experience your ability to come to an end on an ad-hoc
basis?

Learn a relaxation technique that you treat yourself to after work. With regular
relaxation, you will recognize faster when you get into your problem of
demarcation.

Regularly realize that a plan can be perfect, but that it will never be. Say no to a
covered own claim.

Allow mistakes and learn from them. The other perceptible error threshold is
most likely significantly lower than you set for yourself. Save energy.
Learn to be more generous (and say yes to yourself) - then you will be with
others too.

Set realistic goals and time the scope of your order. The easier it is for you to
distinguish yourself from additional tasks that will be referred to you.

The Fighters: "Be Strong"

The conflict style of the fighters is competing. Your only goal: to win. They really get
going when they have an opponent. If they meet a weaker counterpart, their attitude is class,
then I need less energy to invest in order to assert my interests.
Fighters have learned that it works best on its own. They strive for distance and autonomy.
They like to see them in the team because they take on tasks and only sign up again when
they have successfully completed them.
As a fighter, you have learned to keep your head up even in critical situations - you enjoy
your own strength, are ready to make decisions and willing to take risks. It is known for its
reliability. That's a nice gift. But when it comes to stress, you continue to do so. Although
one notices that one can not do more, one conceals this before others. That one has one's
own boundaries - mental, physical, material - one then forgets. One believes firmly, even
now somehow alone to be finished. Even the mere thought of having to adapt strains one -
one does not like a limitation. When in doubt, you do not ask but have your own idea about
how everything has to run. You do not fundamentally change that when mistakes occur. It
is difficult to admit a weakness; Nor are they approved to a customer and certainly not to a
colleague or boss.
So you learn as a No-Nonsense fighter:

Make your inner saying permission: Be strong, be open now, and express your
wishes!

Ask others how they perceive you: as a person, in your role, in different tasks.
How do you experience your limits and your
openness?

Ask other people if they can help you in one thing - professionally as well as
privately. They will observe that they like to do it for you. Be clear: the most
successful people are not the ones who know and know everything, but the
ones who are best connected. Winners get help!

Schedule buffers to monitor your workload.

Regularly plan something that will simply make you happy. Have your fighting
spirit in mind: Take it by the reins when
you're about to knock others over. And let it go free if you have a worthwhile
goal.

Say no (to yourself and/or others) if you are to take on a difficult project again,
but you are already busy.

The Drainers: "Hurry Up"

You often find this type in people who make quick compromises - they do not take the time
to explore each other's interests. And they are light- headed in assuming that the other
already knows what interests they represent themselves.
Drainers have predilections that are constantly changing. Change does not frighten her -
they almost need them. In the team they are active, if they can be in the center or have
influence - if that is not the case, they quickly lose interest in the detail.
As a drainpipe, you have learned to keep track of time. You capture content, structures,
characters - and all that quickly. You like variety in your assignments and contacts.
But when you're stressed, you lose your momentum and become impatient with others.
Suddenly you do not hold on to dates. Others can no longer really rely on one, and whether
one is involved with commitment, is not recognizable for them and thus can not be planned.
Mistakes undermine one, but one passes them out of time pressure.
This is how you learn to be a tinkerer:

Make your inner "hurry up" a permit: Take your time now - for yourself, for
your contacts, for your projects.

Ask others how they perceive you: as a person, in your role, in different tasks.
How do you experience your ability to be reliable and accurate?

Learn a relaxation technique and treat yourself to the experience that time
stands still.

Check if you really understand others or if you feel like knowing the content

just after a few keywords. Say stop to your occasional impatience.

Say no to yourself when you focus on other people's costs. If the opportunity is
all around favorable, then sunbathe uninhibitedly in the limelight - in front of
the edge of the stage.

Plan your assignments in such a way that you win times in which you do not
have to go so fast from the hand. Schedule uninspired times.

Take time to clear the order and say no to orders that require your nimbleness at
your disadvantage.

The Jay-Singers: "Strict yourself"

Jays and singers engage with zeal for projects. In the team, they even take on tasks that
nobody likes to do. But they have little sympathy for controversial, fierce discussions that
are "only" about identification and values.
As a Jay-Singer one has learned to tackle new projects enthusiastically. No task is
impossible. One is interested and spontaneously active. But when it comes to stress, you
lose sight of the task. One does too much, loses motivation and ends up with the project
bland. It can happen that one
brings the mission and another one the success because one fails to set priorities. You
simply forget to build breaks and meetings because you do not find them important at the
moment.
So you learn as a Jay-Singer:

Make your inner freedom your strength: From now on, do not just do what you
want to do with it, but be successful with it!

Ask others how they perceive you: as a person, in your role, in different tasks.
How do you experience your ability to successfully complete your projects?

Plan your project and stick to it until the end. Stop: Do not add additional
aspects out of enthusiasm for your work already achieved in sub-steps.

Do tasks that you find uninteresting at set times - do not postpone or even
forget about them.

Make the priorities clear. Do not forget anything important. Plan your
successful goal achievement as a priority.

Say no to yourself if you want to cancel a scheduled meeting because it does

not seem important enough to you at the moment. Use the exchange with others
to explore the progress of a project or team development.

Clarify your order. Say no to yourself and others when a project is about
expanding the job.

CONCLUSION
T
hank you for making it through to the end of The Psychology of Persuasion , let’s hope
it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to achieve your
goals whatever they may be.
After reading this book, here is one lesson you can take from it.

How Should One Deal With Manipulation?

Threatening, cheating, not wanting to understand, withholding information, blocking,

dodging, dispelling, watering down, using phony arguments, provoking the person,
blackmailing, flattering - these are just a few of many ways to manipulate things. However,
this list already alerts us to two main problems in dealing with manipulation:
 You can not grasp all the techniques and think of one or more countermeasures
for each technique.

Often you do not know exactly what the manipulator is intended to do.

To deal with these two issues, we have developed a system to help you put order into this
vast variety of manipulation techniques and tailor your response to the situation:
So go ahead:

Detect and ward off technology (protection).

Recognize the strategy of the manipulator.
Carry out fair countermeasures.

Detect And Ward Off Technology (Protection)

Identify the concrete manipulation technique and protect yourself against it. For this, we
will introduce you to a few simple and very effective protection techniques that you can
use in many situations. The aim is to stop the manipulation technique immediately and
elegantly.

Detect Strategy Of The Manipulator

Consider which strategy the manipulator is pursuing. A simple scheduling system
should help you to see through a manipulation situation more quickly. The goal is to
recognize what the manipulator aims for.

Carry Out Your Fair Counterstrategy

Once the manipulative intention has been understood, one can also react better. For this, we
will give you some simple and effective ways that can be used in many different situations.
The aim is to protect one's own interests in a fair manner.
Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is always
appreciated!