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Boost Your Ego with NLP and Manipulation: How and When to Use Those
Techniques. Be a Stronger Empath, Understand the Big Picture to Persuade People
and Win Influence
Edward Martinez Richard Benedict
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
INTRODUCTION
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The manipulator flatters: "Mrs. Müller, only yesterday I told Mr. Meier how happy we are to have
you in our house. The less I understand at the moment ...”
He threatens, "Think carefully if you really want to continue this way. We also have other options
to ...”
He makes concessions on a personal level in order to obtain a congeniality on a factual level: "You
know what, I have an idea: I will try to find a solution for your little family problem, and we'll
leave the other thing are based ...”
It creates time pressure: "I ask you to make it as short as possible, in 10 minutes I have a very
important date ..."
We could easily continue this list of manipulation possibilities. Such a list would show us what all
manipulation is. It would not only fill the entire book, but you also could not memorize such a
long list. It is more important to recognize manipulation, regardless of the garment in which it
appears.
Why do we also include unconscious behaviors in our definition? - Manipulation does not always
presuppose the deliberate use of clever tactics. Often we do not realize that we are manipulating.
To call pity and break into tears can be manipulation attempts without the manipulator consciously
employing them. Of course, he wants to achieve something, but he does not always
choose specifically for the manipulation medium through which he can reach his goal. It is not
uncommon for us to make mistakes in reasoning by manipulating the other, without realizing that
we are basically using phony arguments and unfairly influencing our interlocutors.
Which Behaviors Are Unfair?
Mostly we can intuitively assess very well which behavior is unfair and which is not. But let us be
aware of what may be considered fair. Fairness means that everyone involved has a right to protect
their own interests and to accept other views only on a voluntary basis. Therefore, I behave
unfairly when I curtail my interlocutor in his right to represent his interests and when I press him
positions that he does not voluntarily accept.
With this definition in the background, we can formulate casually: The manipulator wants to
achieve something with unfair means.
CHAPTER 1:
Six Maxims for Handling Manipulation
Do not act causally, but act. So you keep control over the conversation.
Focus on concrete behaviors. This is how you get away from the "person types.”
With the blockade strategy, the manipulator wants to prevent that his interlocutor reaches his
destination. He usually wants to keep in conversation but does not pursue his own goal. A
blockade can be defensive/passive, but it can also be tackled offensively/actively. Here are a
few examples of these practices.
Defensive-passive procedures:
Example
Mrs. Müller feels rude about Mr. Schulz. Above all, they disturb insulting statements such as:
"Well, you are probably not the fastest" or "I think you have to say everything twice until you
understand something.” She is looking for the interview with Mr. Schulz, he is in principle
willing to talk, but in conversation, he keeps saying, "I honestly do not even see what problem
you have. What can be offensive in what I said.” Mr. Schulz blocked by pretending not to
understand the problem of Mrs. Müller. This naturally turns the conversation in a circle.
Offensive-Active Procedures:
Example
Mr. Kohn wants to talk to the head of department Mr. Mahler about the planned bonus system.
He considers it unfair and not transparent in some places. However, Mr. Mahler cleverly
distracts from the topic by engaging Mr. Kohn in a conversation about the new position in his
team. At the same time, it creates time pressure to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
With the help of the enforcement strategy, the manipulator wants to stay in the conversation
and reach his goal by all means. The manipulator can act convincingly, that is, he uses
arguments, sham arguments, and persuasive tactics. But he can also pursue an enforcement
method that is not conviction-oriented.
Example
Max is negotiating with his landlord for taking over renovation costs. The landlord is only
willing to pay 2,000 euros, which would not cover the cost by far. Owner: "So I want to tell
you one thing: 2,000 euros are my last word. If you do not accept that, then there will be no
renovation."
The landlord uses the "My last offer" method to put pressure on Max and to get Max to give
in.
Belief-Oriented Approaches:
flatter
Example
Mr. Karl and Mrs. Huber are discussing the conflict, which deals with the more precise
allocation of competences. Mr. Karl is Ms. Huber's superior. Mr. Karl: "Well, Ms. Huber, I
have to say, you are doing an excellent job, it is seriously considered here in the House to
consider you at the next promotion round. Especially from the customer side you only hear
positive things. I do not quite understand why you are so busy with this question of
competence ... "
Through vague promises and flattery, Herr Karl tries to make Frau Huber "docile.” Mr. Karl
speculates that Ms. Huber leaves her post.
Sabotage In Conversation
Sabotage in conversation means that the manipulator wants to break the conversation, but does
not want to take responsibility for it.
Typical situations
Example
Paul has a conversation with his team leader Peter. Paul believes that the distribution of
teamwork could be more efficient and now wants Peter to talk about how such a distribution
of tasks could be addressed.
Peter to Paul: "We will not redistribute the work in our team. We do not need to discuss that. I
can tell you in advance that all your attempts to convince me of the opposite will be a futile
effort. Everything stays as it is.”
Paul: "But there is a possibility, as we still do ..."
Peter: "I do not want to hear anything there, there's just no room for maneuver"
Typical Procedures
Example
Mr. Gerber is a project manager in a software project. Ms. Luck is the superior and principal
of Mr. Gerber. Mrs. Luck is dissatisfied with the information flow. In an interview on this
topic, they agree that Mr. Gerber submits a status report to the project every week.
Although every week Luck receives a report, the information in it is so sparse that she can not
get a clear idea of the status of the project. Mrs. Luck is requesting a statement from Mr.
Gerber.
Mr. Gerber: "I assumed that the information should be as short as possible so that you can
quickly get an overview."
Mrs. Luck: "But this information is not very valuable." Mr. Gerber: "Then I probably
misunderstood you."
Whether someone will sabotage after a conversation, of course, is not easy to recognize. One
should be careful not to rush to judgment. Therefore, one will have to watch over a slightly
longer period of time, as the interlocutor behaves. Above all, it is important that your
agreements are as precise and unambiguous as possible. Fixing agreements in writing can be a
helpful method.
At a glance – the four manipulation strategies:
blockade strategy
enforcement strategy sabotage in conversation sabotage after conversation
We will now introduce you to some effective defenses or communication techniques that you
can use effectively when manipulated. In this chapter, you will learn about the following
communication techniques that will help you in handling manipulations:
Questions and listening belong to every successful submission, they are natural elements of
our daily conversations. Correct questions and listening are indispensable if you want to react
skillfully to manipulation attempts and counteract the manipulation.
gain important information that will help you to adapt your conversation tactics;
because by asking questions, you will find out what the interlocutor is about and
what is important to him;
involve the interlocutor actively, so you show yourself from the beginning as a
partner and not as an opponent;
you can avoid confrontation, objectify conversations and thus better master
emotionally difficult situations.
By asking questions, you show esteem to your interlocutor - and every human being cares
about their esteem and respect. The following personal experience illustrates how
opportunities are missed through a lack of questions.
Example
Some time ago I wanted to get a mobile phone. Since I do not know anything about it, I was
looking for a piece of professional advice. In the first business the following conversation
developed:
Seller: "Can I help you?" (Standard question)
Me: "Yes, very much." (The seller seems slightly surprised to startled.) Me: "I want to buy a
mobile phone."
Seller: "We currently have two products on offer, namely ..."
The seller immediately introduces two products to me. He does not ask me why I want to use
the mobile phone, what matters to me when I buy a mobile phone. Instead, he immediately
explains the merits of two specific products. I only understand half of it. He talks past me.
Although one can notice that the seller has some kind of training behind me, I am extremely
dissatisfied. Because basically, he has not responded to me and my needs at all.
By actively using questions, the seller could have been much more customer-focused. He
could have found out what was really important to me and what product I really needed.
In order to use questions in a more targeted manner, you should be aware of the difference
between open and closed questions. Open questions demand complete sentences as answers,
while one responds adequately to a closed question with a single word or a brief mention of a
fact. The answer to an open question is usually longer and more detailed than the usually brief
reaction to a closed question.
With open questions, you can involve the interlocutor stronger. They have the advantage that
they stimulate the discussion partner to think, invite him to deal intensively with a cause and
to propose solutions. By open questions, you usually learn more than through closed. Here are
some examples:
What do you think a solution should look like? What wishes do you have for this?
What exactly is the problem?
Closed questions can be answered very quickly with a gesture or a word. The following
questions are examples of closed questions:
Questions about consent are important closed questions. Even with unclear and broad
expressions closed questions are very well suited to make the interlocutor express themselves
more precisely.
Open questions are used to:
to obtain consent
to get a confirmation
In the demanding technique, you refer to the immediately preceding utterance. This technique
serves first and foremost to better understand the utterance or to invite the interlocutor to
clarify or question his own statement. Inquiries always help where it becomes inaccurate or
even where someone wants to disguise something.
In the example, Moritz uses the demanding technique: Max: "I see some points that I think are
critical."
Moritz: "Which points do you mean exactly?"
Max: "You sure have been planning for a long time?" Moritz: "What are you talking about?"
Max: "What you're suggesting is not realistic." Moritz: "What do you mean by a little
realistic?"
Listening is first and foremost a matter of inner attitude and not a mere technique. Listening
requires enormous concentration and is, therefore, one of the most exhausting communication
methods. But you can practice and train professional listening.
Those who can listen are more likely to establish a trusting relationship with their interlocutor.
Listening is like active questioning a so-called "door opener,” which allows a deeper and more
personal access to the interlocutor. Rather aggressive emotions can be broken down more
easily. Like asking questions, listening is also an excellent method for objectifying
conversations and making them more constructive. Good listening also helps to avoid
misunderstandings.
The basic rule of professional listening is: you have to show the other person to listen. There
are basically three options for this: silent listening, listening with attention reactions and active
listening.
Silent listening: The listener is silent, attentive and shows through his posture
turned to the speaker that he listens.
Active listening: The listener asks, summarizes what has been said in his own
words or reflects what feelings and emotions resonate in the statement of the
interlocutor. Active listening is the highest form of professional listening. There
are several ways to actively listen to:
by asking,
by reporting or reflecting back on what has been said (the content message),
The following examples illustrate these forms of active listening. The listener Moritz asks:
Max: "I think we have worked out a good solution, I am very satisfied."
Moritz: "I'm glad. What do you think is particularly successful with our solution? "
Listener Moritz summarizes the content message and reports it back:
Max: "The hotels would all win if you would care more about the families. Especially for
families, it is often difficult to find suitable accommodation, where there are also offers for
children. "
Moritz: "You think that hotels still have some catching up to do in dealing with families?"
Max: .”"
The listener Moritz reflects what resonates with emotions in the utterance: Max: "This meeting
was so superfluous, I just wasted my time again." Moritz: "You seem pretty annoyed."
Max: "You can say that."
By the way, it does not matter so much when listening that I'm absolutely correct in what the
other person says or feels. What is important is that through active listening, I give the other
the opportunity to correct myself. Maybe I misunderstood his statement. Through active
listening, I can check this and thus build real understanding.
Sensitive, active listening and active questions can be combined very well in conversation. In
combination, both methods provide a good opportunity to objectify and clarify conversations.
The next method, which we present to you as communication technology in dealing with
manipulation, essentially makes use of these two methods.
There is a very simple, elegant and effective method, around the precessing funnel:
to separate the essential from the insignificant identify and agree on priorities
to get to the core,
Confronted with statements made by the interlocutor, one actively listens and uses specific
questions to come to concrete facts and facts.
Example:
Mr. Kern: "Ah, Mr. Piper, good that I meet you. I have a chicken to pick with you anyway.
The presentation of your employee yesterday left much to be desired, and the information
dissemination does not work at all. If something does not change soon, it will have serious
consequences. I do not let myself be fooled by your people ... "
Mr. Piper: "Now I'm a bit surprised. If I understood you correctly, there are two problems: the
presentation by Mr. Meier and something that is not right with our information sharing. Let us
clarify the two points. Which one should we start with? "
Mr. Kern: "All right, with the presentation of Meier." Mr. Piper: "What exactly happened?"
Mr. Kern: "Well - he was not prepared at all."
Mr. Piper: "What is 'not prepared'?"
Mr. Kern: "He had no documentation on how to finish it, and the slides did not meet my
expectations."
Mr. Piper: "You had a clear agreement with him Met with documents, and he did not?"
Mr. Kern: "Yes, exactly."
Mr. Piper: "So that would be the one thing that here an agreement was not respected. How is
this with the slides? "
At this point, the conversation between Mr. Kern and Mr. Piper is much more objective and
constructive. It is important to ask and listen well until everyone involved is really clear on
what exactly is going on. Often, the mistake is made to justify themselves when confronted
with allegations. That's a typical causal reaction. The result is usually that a barren dispute
arises. The situation is rocking and escalating.
The precision funnel can not only be used well if the manipulator is very emotional, but also if
it gets bogged down in trivialities.
Lydia has conflicts in the team. Susanne, her supervisor, is looking for a conversation with
her. In conversation, Lydia is constantly digressing, complaining about God and the world and
bringing a whole range of points, all of which seem to rank side by side. Susanne first wants to
understand Lydia's interests and needs and uses the precisification funnel.
Susanne: "You have now mentioned a whole series of points. Which one is yours? main? "
Lydia: "Everyone is equally important to me."
Susanne: "Okay, so if you all have the same importance, which one should we start with ?"
Lydia: "I do not know."
Susanne: "Which seems more urgent to you right now : Talk to Franz or do your
project? Those were two points that you mentioned."
Lydia: "The conversation with Franz maybe."
Lydia is not very cooperative. However, Susanne does not let herself be confused and
continues to ask questions until she reaches concrete points.
Typical Situations
If you are stupid, you will respond to a manipulation attempt, but you will interpret it
officially as a misunderstanding or a small confusion on your part. Before the conversation
can be continued, the misunderstanding must be clarified or the confusion eliminated. This
will help you avoid "hawking out" the conversation partner as a manipulator - he or she can
save face and has received a smart warning signal.
Example
The situation: You have a conflict with your spokesperson. They have agreed to use a conflict
resolution model in which each side first presents and explains its point of view. Your
correspondent did not adhere to the agreement. He did not present his point of view at first but
immediately conjured up his solution suggestion. They are stupid.
She: "Wait, I'm a little confused now. Earlier, we agreed to go through the conflict resolution
model step by step. I have just explained my point of view. Actually, it would be up to you to
tell me your point of view. But you
have just suggested a very precise solution for me as your last offer. Was that an anticipation
or an example ...? "
Typical Situations
The manipulator tries to take you by surprise. He distracts from the actual topic.
An agreement has been reached and now the manipulator wants to renegotiate
suddenly.
what matters to you or what is important to you or what you want to ask etc.
Example
Hans is dissatisfied with his coworker Klaus. Every other day, he comes to the service more
than 20 minutes late. He leads a discussion with Klaus. Klaus tries to distract himself from
time to time. Hans: "Klaus, I would like to talk to you about your late arrival. That really
annoys me. "
Klaus: "That I'm too late annoys you? Take a look at how much work is often left. I've been
wanting to talk to you for a long time about how we could handle it better ... "
Hans: "That's certainly an interesting topic, but at the moment I'm only interested in your
latecomers. And I want to talk to you about that. "
Klaus: "They are always after me. I do not understand that. When planning your vacation, my
wishes are not properly taken into account. "
Hans: "Vacation planning is another matter. I'd like to talk to you now about coming late to
the office every other day. "
At least now Hans should have actually managed to talk to Klaus about the actual topic of
conversation. But beware: Like all other conversation techniques you have to practice the
record with jump, practice, practice. Because from childhood on we are trained to be direct
and persistent. But: The record with jump is morally impeccable, nobody is deceived,
manipulated, ignored or devalued. One only makes use of his right to say what one wants.
Typical Situations
The manipulator wants to get you something or sell you something that you reject.
The manipulator tries to distract from the topic. He wants to open side-by-side
venues.
The manipulator will not let you finish and interrupt you
constantly.
Change Perspective
This protection technology is basically very simple. They do not respond directly to a
manipulation attempt but invite your interlocutor to see the situation with your eyes or with
another's eyes. They consciously bring about a change of perspective.
Example
Max: "Well, Moritz, I just do not want to argue anymore. Either you accept my proposal or I'll
decide it all by myself, and then you'll see where
you stay! "
Moritz: "Max, this statement irritates me now. What do you think, how that affects me now? "
Here Moritz Max invites you to take a look at the matter from his point of view. In the
following case, Moritz offers the perspective of a third party.
Max: "Well, I just can not understand why you do not like my suggestion. Why are you so
uncooperative? "Moritz:" Imagine, we implement your proposal. What will Kasperl and
Kram-pus do then?”
Typical Situations
Sometimes, to step out of the situation in order to fend off manipulation techniques, it is best
to "grab the bull by the horns,” to break the conversation with determination and to openly
address the manipulation attempt. This is done in an elegant way using the following
technique:
Interrupt conversation clearly.
Justify interruption briefly and clearly.
What's next?
Example
Kurt was invited as a moderator to help a team deal with a long- smoldering conflict. The team
members digress in the discussion, however. Finally, "Kurt steps out of the situation.”
Kurt:
Kurt interrupts the discussion clearly, he addresses the unprofitable situation and finally makes a
proposal on how it could go on. In the next example, Karin uses the method “From Situation to
stand” to protect interruptions.
Example
Karin:
Karin also interrupts the conversation clearly, she speaks the manipulation attempt (not to be
persuaded), and she makes a suggestion, how it should go on.
The key point of this method is that the manipulation attempt is directly addressed and identified.
Before doing so, however, one should interrupt the conversation clearly recognizable. This is
important so that the factual level of the conversation can not be mixed with the relationship level
of the conversation participants. If one does not take this separation clearly enough, the actual
topic of conversation and the question of how the conversation is dealt with can overlap in such a
way that it is no longer possible to identify what it is all about.
Typical situations:
The manipulator has already made multiple manipulation attempts.
Other methods could not make the manipulator stop his manipulative behavior.