Dear Emily Schoeing,

For starters, I would start making the formation of your paper with your name and etc.
Along with creating a title, maybe you’re still trying to find one? However, I do think when you
decide a title, somethings you take for advice. Make sure the title is really effective to help the
readers get an idea or insight about what this paper could be about. Even though the title isn’t a
major factor in the paper, however having a good important and effective title can make the
stance in this argumentative paper stronger. To lead into your Introduction, I believe overall it
was pretty well written. However, maybe if you add onto your “attention grabber” and make it
have a stronger appeal. It will hook, whom is reading your paper and consider your stance, if
they already feel one way or the other. I think if you add on to that sentence or change how its
worded, impact will be more beneficially and more appealing. Also, it could hook the reader and
be more persuasive towards your stance. That would be helpful later on while the reader is
reading your paper. They will already have been thinking about the issue or your stance, without
seeing how you display the evidence just by the end of your Introduction. Another thing, I would
add on, is more background information to tie in with the attention grabber in leading to your
thesis. For your thesis statement, I don’t know if you should, put or start off with I believe…???
“I believe hunting is only acceptable when the entire animal is used to sustain life”. If you
change that to a stronger viewpoint, it will make a difference. In the Argument section, I think
your structure is good with having or considering some of these techniques to make this paper
have a stronger stance. For starters, you aren’t completely done with your paper, so to get a good
feel of your structure is hard. But like I mentioned before, it seems good as of what you have all
completely. You could use more effective words throughout the paragraphs, to lead to a stronger
point of view or stance. In addition, with using more powerful or better word choices can make a
better paper. I think it will do that especially for this argumentative paper. Fixing the minor
errors and grammar mistakes, will improve the paper too. With most of all your facts founded
from the articles you found, you expanded them and gave worthy support for the reasonings. The
articles you found, provides good support for the overall structure. A few quotes you ended
using, really surprised me. If you add more evidence throughout the paper, it will expand the
overall argument. Lastly for the conclusion, when you create or finish your conclusion, I would
make sure it is effective in the whole part of tying up any loose ends or reclarifying any major
key points, you want the reader to understand. Furthermore, if you choose to take that advice,
make sure you still continue with the whole idea of trying to close and bring completeness to the
paper rather than getting lost in the conclusion. I really enjoyed reading your argumentative
paper.

Sincerely,
Erin