Knights of the TM

No.13
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN
Dinner Table ™

MEN THAT HACK

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Whether you’re looking to spice up a pre-existing campaign or don’t need

the depth of resources offered by the complete Kingdoms of Kalamar ™
fantasy campaign setting, the individual resource books offer a cost effec-
tive way to put that extra spark into any gaming world. Just like the rest of
the Kalamar line, they are suitable for any rules system, including, but not
limited to HackMaster™ and Advanced Dungeons and Dragons®*.

The Kingdoms of Kalamar™ The Kingdoms of Kalamar™

volume II: volume I:
Mythos of the Divine and Worldly Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands

Mythos of the Divine and Worldly Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands

This 88 page guidebook painstakingly describes
the 44 deities and religions of Tellene. Volume
II also includes details on Tellene’s major secret
organizations, rune-sets for 11 languages,
constellations, astronomical marvels and an
all-inclusive eight page index. $10.95
This 100 page tome details the history of the
peoples and nations of Tellene. From the depths of
the mysterious Vohven Jungle to the vast savanna of
the Drhokker horse-lords, this book describes every
kingdom, race and topographical feature of
Kalamar’s world. $11.95

Kingdoms of Kalamar Deluxe Boxed Set $29.95

In addition to both of the campaign sourcebooks (Mythos of the
Divine and Worldly and Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands), the
Kingdoms of Kalamar boxed set contains two gorgeous 24” x 36” full
color maps depicting the lands of Tellene. These maps are printed
on extra heavy stock and have been recognized as the finest
fantasy maps on the market. A hex grid overlay is provided to
protect these treasures.

*Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast. Use of this
trademark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the
Sovereign Lands, HackMaster and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.
 Knights of the
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #13
“Men That Hack!”
November, 1997
_______________
Dinner Table TM

“Men that Hack”

© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Company, All Rights Reserved.
Knights of the Dinner Table™
magazine is published monthly by
Kenzer and Company.
Subscriptions: A one year Created by Jolly R. Blackburn
subscription (12 issues) is only
$28.00 (US $32.00 in Canada and
US $50.00 Overseas).
Ongoing Devleopers: Jolly R. Blackburn, Brian Jelke,
To subscribe, send a check or Steve Johansson and David Kenzer
money order (made payable to
Kenzer and Company) to: Cover by George Vrbanic
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Kenzer & Company
KODT Subscriptions,
1935 S. Plum Grove Rd., Ste. 194
Palatine, IL 60067
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or fax a valid Visa, MasterCard,
or Discover card number, your
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date to us at (847) 397-2404.
Back Issues: Back issues and
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available; send US $2.00 for a
current catalog and prices.
Legal Notice: Knights of the
Dinner Table, Men That Hack,
HackNoia, CattlePunk SpaceHack,
KODT, Hack Master, Gary
Jackson Files, the Kenzer and Co.
Logo, and all prominent
characters and likenesses thereof
are trademarks of Kenzer and Co.
Mailing Address: Kenzer and
Company, 1935 S. Plum Grove
Road, Suite 194, Palatine, IL
60067. Phone/fax: (847) 397-
2404.
Internet: JollyRB@aol.com
(editorial inquiries only) or
KenzerCo@aol.com (non-KODT
inquiries only). World Wide Web:
http://members.aol.com/relkin/ken
zerco.html
Submissions: We accept
submissions for strip ideas, jokes,
cartoons, etc. We are interested in “We are the thin veil, who
running anything that other hold back the night!!
gamers and fans would enjoy. We are the men who hack,
Send a S.A.S.E. for writer’s turning wrong to right”
guidelines. NSB Academy Cadence Song
 Editorial of a Madman
Annoying Answers for some Nagging Questions!
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
ne of the things I had hoped to squeeze into the weeks he drifts away from the game, gets a job, finds a

O Tales from the Vault compilation (See the ad on girl friend etc. (In short he ‘finds a life’ outside the
page 4) was a list of frequently-asked-questions game). B.A.’s solution is to lure him back to the table
with answers. It seems every email and letter we receive where Dave’s character stumbles across a HackMaster
has one or more questions tagged on, almost as an +13.
afterthought. In the KODT strip that ran in Shadis #21 as the
Well, one man’s oversight is another man’s filler group is reminicsing about past games, there seems to
material. So I thought I would devote some space to be a hint that Brian was the original GM for the
answer some of those questions. Now you can annoy group and that he may have even been B.A.’s
your friends at the gaming table with a little KODT mentor?? What’s up with that? How come Brian
trivia. doesn’t GM anymore?
What do the letters B.A. stand for in B.A. Felton’s Yes, Brian introduced B.A. to role-playing (and
name? HackMaster). That’s why he seems to know the rules
B.A.’s full name is Boris Alphonzo Felton. It’s not frontwards and back. Many readers have commented
hard to understand why he prefer’s to be called B.A. In that Brian often seems like a back-seat driver, constantly
grade school, his classmates contracted his first and giving B.A. advice on how to run a game and questioning
his calls.
middle name and simply called him, Bozo.
Why doesn’t Brian ever GM?? He had a bad
Apparently a rumor is running around that the letters
experience at GaryCon 89 running a sanctioned
stand for “Bad Attitude”. I’m not sure how that one got
HackMaster tournament. There scars were deep enough
started.
Brian quit role-playing for nearly a year. (Which is why
Why does Dave always have a HackMaster +12 (a
Brian does not appear in the first KODT strip). He
rare relic) even when he is playing a new character? finally came back to the table as a player but to this day
How come he doesn’t loose his sword when the has refused to sit behind the GM screen. (An upcoming
owning character dies? issue of KODT will, however, feature Brian’s come-back
Good question! If you read the expanded bios in the as a GM).
Tales from the Vault there’s a clue. It comments how If you have other questions you’d like to see answers
Dave used to “miss two gaming sessions for every for send them end. Hopefully, in the near future, we will
session he attended”. post a complete FAQ on our website.
That all changed when his character (El Ravager)
found a HackMaster +12 sword (May 5, 1987 7:45 Good Reading,
EST). From that point on Dave has rarely missed a
game. The truth is, B.A. uses the HackMaster+12 as a
carrot to keep Dave interested in the game. Jolly R. Blackburn
In an unpublished strip I did a few years ago, Dave October 15, 1997
does indeed loose his HackMaster. In the following
ROLE-PLAYING GAMES THAT SHOULD NEVER BE: PART ONE “DAS BOOT: THE RPG”

OKAY, YOU SEE THIS CLASS I DON’T CARE IF IT ENCHANCES THE

ONE DESTROYER REALISM OF THE GAME!!! I’M NOT
BEARING DOWN ON YOU - 2000 CLIMBING UNDER THE TABLE
METERS AND CLOSING!!! EVERYTIME OUR SUB DIVES!!!
DIVE! DIVE¡ DIVE¡
HARD-RUDDER RIGHT 45 DEGREES!!!
TAKE ME TO 80 METERS!!!! NO TIME TO TALK Fräulein !!!
FLOOD TORPEDO TUBES 3 AND 4
WHILE I WORK OUT A TARGET-
Ja Kapitän !!!! SOLUTION FOR THAT DESTROYER!!!
HARD-RUDDER RIGHT 45
DEGREES!!!! WE GOT
SONAR PING!!!
 Our Readers Talk Back!
Dear KODT,
I was at Gen Con, my first year, and, regretably, did not get
into KODT while I was there. My brother snagged your
comics while there and I had an order form shoved into my
hand while I was passing your booth. I looked at an issue (#5
I think) on the plane, and, by my next paycheck (I blew my
entire wad at Gen Con) I had ordered issues 2 through 10,
Tales from the Vault, and a year subscription.
Keep it up, Jolly. KODT, actually inspired me to start a
gaming group again.
Ethan Parker
via email
Thanks for your letter Ethan. I was especially struck by
your last comment - that KODT inspired you to get your
gaming group together again. We’ve been amazed at how
many people have written in to tell us the same thing.
Many readers confess they haven’t role-played in years
and love KODT because it makes them remember their old
friends. I think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that it’s
not the games we enjoy , nearly as much as the friends we
play them with.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
My best congratulations! Your comic is one of the most
funny books I have read in my life and, above all, the most
funny about gamers. I have read in the past your strip in
Shadis magazine but I was really pleased to find KODT in
Dragon magazine. And, after a long, long time, I have found
an Italian comics distributor that carries KODT. I have
proposed a review of your comic for the Italian game
magazine KAOS.
Thank you very much for the fun and keep up the good
work!
Anonymous
via email (Italy)
We love hearing from our overseas fans and always glad to
hear that the humor in KODT is apparently universal and
transcends the language barrier. (We’ve been approached
about licensing KODT tranlsations into several other
languages) If KAOS does happen to review KODT, I’d love to
see a copy of it.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
KODT #11 has just arrived, and I enjoyed it a great deal. I
think every gamer has met someone like Newt Forager in
"The Empty Chair." What a shame Brian did not make
Newt do the "pretzel-dance."
"The Venus Elixir" was too funny. It was nice to see
Sara stretch her role playing muscles, as opposed to acting as
the group's Jiminy Cricket (the conscience that no one listens
to). Thank goodness Brian had not drank the Elixir. It would
have been panel after panel of mumbling and sputters. :)
I don't remember if I mentioned it previously, but I am
really glad that you printed KODT:Tales from the Vault. It
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??? HUH??? YOU CAN WRITE TO US VIA E-MAIL AT
J O L LY R B @A O L . C O M ! ! OR YOU CAN SEND YOUR SNAIL MAIL TO
KODT LETTERBOX, 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION, IN 46953
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL
reminds me how the group should return to Call of
Cuthulhu.
Speaking of that system, here is a short story, which a
friend told to me. At a convention, there were 4 games of
Call of Cuthulhu in the same large room. At one point, a
player in game #1 says "Hastur." [Big trouble in the CoC
world.]
The whole room goes silent. Completely silent. Then, all
4 gamemasters begin rolling dice, as the players at the other
3 games complained that the "forbidden name" had not been
said in their game.
Keep up the good work; I look forward to reading in a
sidebar B.A.'s Oath of Loyalty, when you get a chance to
write it up.
David Rak
via email
Makes you wonder what happened to the poor guy who
was foolish enough to speak the “forbidden name.”
Jolly,
Dear KODT,
I have been gaming since I was ten. I started with basic
D&D, and like many others, I'm sure, I rode the waves of
gaming material that has come since, collectible card games,
the White Wolf genre, so on. Well, I dusted off the ADnD
books about a year ago. At a recent game, I was handed a
KODT comic and after reading it, I had to wipe a tear from
my eye that was brought on by both laughter and great
memories of games-gone-by. I read every issue the player
had and went and bought them for keep sakes. All but issue
one and two, of course. Like so many others I have found old
friends in your characters and just wanted to send you email
saying thanks. I also want to note I'm going to purchase
Kingdoms of Kalamar the box set and move my games into
that world. I want to help support any gaming company that
puts out such a great monthly read.
Sincerly,
Thomas Miller
via email
Dear KODT,
My name is Bill Johnson. I've been a gamer for about 16
years now (give or take) and have recently stumbled upon
your comic in Dragon (and later purchased every available
KODT comic I could find) and I must say it is SUPERB! My
friends in my gaming group wonder, as do I, if you have
been spying on us. :) Anyhow, I got you address out of
KODT #4, and have decided to submit some of the more
comical moments from some of my games. All I ask, is if
you do use some of them, you let me know so my friends
and I may keep an eye out for them.
Bill Johnson
via email
 KODT FANS DEMANDED IT...
it’s all here!!!

crammed between two

covers and bursting at
the seams.

all the kodt strips

that have appeared in:

dragon™
__

shadis™
__

the familiar™
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the gamer’s
connection™
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and elsewhere!!
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IT
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(made ECT
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A License to Hack
WEIRD PETE’S
DAMMIT
SQUIRRELY!!! QUIT PLAYIN’ OFFICAL HACKMASTER™
WITH THE MOP AND FINISH THAT
FLOOR!!! I GOT A BURRITO-DATE
TOURNEY SITE
Hack’Noia
TONIGHT!! The Roleplaying
G!
! GARY JACKSON CLOS Game of Conspiracy
IN PEZ DISPENSERS ED
!! R NOW IN STOCK!! and Espionage!!
NG
RI

50% OFF on all Novelty Cheese Dice! JUST IN!!

! COME IN AND
ARMWRESTLE BITTER STEVIL’s
THE MONKEY GAME PULPIT!! have you
BEWARE THE FOR A BUCK!!
seen it??
SMILING LIZARD

GAMES PIT, SORRY WE’RE CLOSED!! IT’S HERE?? IT’S REALLY HERE??? OH THANK GAWD, PETE!!! WE WERE WORRIED. BRIAN
HUH? WHAT’S THAT?? OH HELLO, B.A. READ ON THE HACKMASTER NEWSGROUP THAT THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT
YEAH...YEAH, YOUR ORDER ARRIVED LATE THIS AT HARD EIGHT ENTERPRISES WENT ON STRIKE. I WAS AFRAID MY ORDER
AFTERNOON. I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF BREAKING THE WOULD BE IN LIMBO!!! YEAH...YEAH...THANKS. I’LL BE OVER FIRST THING IN THE MORNING!!
SHRINK-WRAP TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS THERE.
YOU CAN PICK IT UP IN THE MORNING.
HACKNOIA’S IN??? WHAT A RELIEF!!
I CAN’T WAIT TO GET MY HANDS ON A CHARACTER DOSSIER HMMMM, MY
AND START WORKIN’ ON MY CHARACTER!!! SOURCES HAVE NEVER
BEEN WRONG BEFORE!!
THEY MUST HAVE
AWESOME!!! I ALREADY SETTLED THE STRIKE!!
HAVE A NAME FOR MY CAN’T WAIT
CHARACTER PICKED OUT. TO PLAY!!

OKAY, I’LL PICK UP HACKNOIA AND FOUR CHARACTER
DOSSIER PACKETS IN THE MORNING. YOU GUYS CAN PICK UP
YOUR DOSSIER’S TOMMOROW AFTERNOON AND START WORKING ON YOUR
CHARACTERS SO THAT THEY ARE READY FOR NEXT WEEK’S GAME!!
I’M GONNA KICK-ASS!!! I’VE BEEN READING THOSE
FBI CORRESPONDENCE COURSES
I SIGNED UP FOR WHEN MY DAD GOT SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THOSE
INTERVIEWS I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE.* I’M A WIZ ON INVESTIGATIVE
PROCEDURE AND COVERT SKILLS!!

EXCELLENT!!! AND SARA SAID “NO I BELIEVE IN BAD

GOOD EVER COMES FROM A LIE!” KARMA, THAT’S ALL!
WHAT A JOKE!!

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE

BEST ROLEPLAYING
GAME EVER¡¡

* See KODT #11: The Empty Chair

5
 THE FOLLOWING WEEK...
WELL, I SEE EVERYONE HAS THEIR OFFICIAL DARK “MOOD-ENCHANCING” SUNGLASSES ON. LOOKS LIKE WE’RE READY FOR OUR FIRST DIVE INTO
HACKNOIA!!!! YOU’LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I TOOK TWO DAYS OFF WORK THIS WEEK SO I COULD HAVE SOME EXTRA TIME TO DEVELOP
TONIGHT’S ADVENTURE. I REALLY GOT SWEPT AWAY. I THINK THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE BEST ADVENTURES I’VE EVER RAN!!!! BEFORE WE CAN START, I NEED
TO REVIEW YOUR CHARACTERS AND BACKGROUNDS. BOB, WHY DON’T YOU GO FIRST??

MY CHARACTER IS KILLER, DUDE!!! HIS NAME IS LUGAR KRINGE! I’M AN X-MARINE APACHE HELICOPTOR PILOT. MY MILITARY TRAINING GIVES
ME THE MUNITIONS AND SMALL ARMS SKILL PACKAGES. I ALSO HAVE AN INTIMIDATION
PRESCENCE FACTOR DUE TO SOME RESDIUAL MILITARY-BEARING.

LUGAR OUTSTANDING, BOB!!

KEWL NAME DUDE!! KRINGE??

I TOOK BRIAN’S ADVICE AND LOOKED INTO CHARACTER FLAWS MY WEAPON OF CHOICE IS A GOLD PLATED, BUREAU-
AS A WAY TO SQUEEZE SOME ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS. I MODIFIED 9MM LUGAR WITH LASER-
TOOK CHRONIC-INDIGESTION AS A MAJOR SIGHTING AND A POP-OUT MUZZLE-SABRE!! I
FLAW - WORTH 675 ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS. AND I TOOK HAVE THE ABILITY TO MOVE ABOUT THE UPPER SOCIAL
LACTOSE-INTOLERANCE AS A MINOR FLAW FOR CLASSES AT EASE. I LOVE FINE WINE, FAST CARS AND CLASSY WOMEN!!!
150 BUILDING POINTS. I USED THOSE POINTS TO PURCHASE A I HAVE SIX TOP-OF-THE-LINE FINELY TAILORED ARMANI SUITS IN MY
BURRLY-BODY BUILD WHICH GIVES ME AN 85% WARDROBE.
CHANCE OF KICKING DOWN
ANY DOORWAY OR
WHOAH!! KICK-ASS GOOD JOB, BOB!! YA SEE?? CHARACTER
PORTAL!!
CHARACTER, BOB!! FLAWS RULE!!

OKAY BOB, SOUNDS LIKE A MY CHARACTER’S NAME IS TERRANCE BRICK!! I WAS RAISED ON THE STREETS OF
FAIRLY REASONABLE CHICAGO WHERE I EVENTUALLY BECAME A GANG-BANGER. AFTER I MADE A “HIT”
CHARACTER. LOOKS LIKE YOUR ON A RIVAL GANG-LORD MY OWN GANG BETRAYED ME AFTER CUTTING A DEAL WITH THE
NEXT DAVE!! D.A. I WAS FACING 95 TO LIFE IN JOLIET AND NOT A SHRED OF HOPE OF EVER SEEING THE TOUGH BREAK,
LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!! DUDE!!! HOW’D GO
FROM LIFER TO
FEDERAL AGENT??
SOUNDS LIKE MOVIE OF THE
YOUR OWN GANG WEEK MATERIAL!!
BETRAYED YOU???
DAMN, THAT
SUCKS!!!!

6
 WELL, ONCE I WAS ON THE INSIDE, MY GANG-BANGER BACKGROUND ATTRACTED THE
ATTENTION OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY BUREAU WHO WERE ATTEMPTING TO
INFILTRATE THE GANGS. I WAS GRANTED A FULL PARDON IN EXCHANGE FOR MY COOPERATION. THE
OPERATION WAS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT I WAS INDUCTED INTO THE NSB. ENOUGH
BACKGROUND!!! i
KUDOS DAVE!!! want to know what
that’s a very creative kind of skills and
so you’re some kind of
background. i’m impressed. abilities you are
EARTHY STREET-
bringing to the team.
PUNK SNITCH??

I MAXED OUT MY SKILLS IN STREETWISE, GANGLAND GEE DAVE, I DUNNO. YOUR CHARACTER SEEMS KINDA
CULTURE, BLACKMARKET SAVY, SPEAK SLANG WEAK. OUR CHARACTERS ARE TOTAL
AND HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT WITH
OPPOSITES. I’M AFRAID THEY WON’T CLICK.
IMPROVISED WEAPONS. TO ENHANCE MY CHARACTER
WHAT ARE YOU PACKING AS FAR AS WEAPONS??
I TOOK THE MAJOR FLAW,
ALLERGIC TO POULTRY!! a matched pair of SAWED-OFF SHOTGUNS
I USED THE EXTRA 275 which i keep in my INNER-THIGH CONCEALED
BUILDING POINTS TO HOLSTERS and a 45 CALIBER
PURCHASE “DEAD AIM” AS EQUALIZER fitted with a ruby-optic laser site.
ONE OF MY MAJOR
ABILITIES. oh mmmmmmm,
nevermind what i said.
brother!! ruby-optic!!
I RULE!!! your kewl, dude!!

well, that’s a pretty decent
character dave. i’m impressed. okay
sara, you’re up!! let’s have a look at
your character!!
LET’S HAVE IT MISSY!!! WHAT IS IT THIS
TIME? A FORMER GREENPEACE WORKER?? A
FARM-AID VOLUNTEER?? POLITICAL
ACTIVIST??
WELL....I CAN’T TELL YOU TOO MUCH ABOUT MY CHARACTER. MY NAME IS
JAMIE DAWN AND I’M A CLASS THREE OPERATIVE
FOR THE NSB. I CARRY A STANDARD ISSUE 38 REVOLVER. MY BUREAU
RECORDS HAVE BEEN SEALED BY ORDER OF THE DIRECTOR. ALL YOU
KNOW IS THAT I WAS RECENTLY TRANSFERRED TO THE CHICAGO OFFICE.
huh??? why all hmmmm, what are
the secrecy?? you up to sara??

7
 HEY, HEY, HEY¡¡ WHAT THE HELL’S
GOING ON HERE??? WE’RE A TEAM. THERE
HERE, PASS THIS SEALED AREN’T ANY SECRETS BETWEEN
ENVELOPE DOWN TO B.A. IT MEMBERS OF A TEAM!!
LISTS ALL THE DETAILS ABOUT
MY CHARACTER THAT CAN’T BE
DIVULGED TO THE GROUP!! YEAH, COME ON, SARA. YOU
GOTTA TELL US YOUR
BACKGROUND AND SKILLS.
SORRY GUYS, AS FAR AS YOU ARE
CONCERNED I’M JUST ANOTHER
FEMALE AGENT - A BIT ON THE
ATTRACTIVE SIDE, MAYBE, AND
PERHAPS OVERLY INVOLVED WITH
HER CAREER, BUT I WOULDN’T
WORRY ABOUT IT.

SARA’S RIGHT GUYS!!! UNDER THE RULES OF HACKNOIA
SHE IS ALLOWED TO WITHHOLD CHARACTER
INFORMATION FROM OTHER MEMBERS OF THE PARTY.
FOR EXAMPLE, DAVE, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO TELL
EVERYONE YOU WERE AN X-CON. THAT WAS YOUR
CHOICE.
I’M GONNA SUBPOENA
HER RECORDS AND GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF
THIS!!
JERKS!!! GET OVER IT!!! AS FAR AS YOUR
CHARACTERS KNOW, SARA HAS TOLD YOU
WELL I DON’T LIKE ADVENTURING EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW. LOOKS, LIKE
WITH SOMEONE WHO HARBORS YOUR UP, BRIAN!!
SECRETS!!!
I’M IN FULL SUPPORT OF SARA
ON THIS ONE GUYS!!
FREAKS!!

PAGE 156, FIRST COLUMN, SIXTH PARAGRAPH, LINE FOUR STATES THAT,
“THE WORLD OF HACKNOIA IS A WORLD OF OF INTRIGUE, SHADOWY
FIGURES, UNCERTAINTY, PARANOIA AND UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. THERE
WILL ARE SITUATIONS WHERE IT IS PRUDENT FOR A PLAYER ONLY TO
REVEAL AS MUCH INFORMATION
ABOUT HIS CHARACTER AS HE HAS TO
- EVEN TO FELLOW AGENTS.
FROM THERE IT
INEXPLICABLY GOES INTO
SOME MOLTOV
COCKTAIL RULES.
SLOPPY EDITING!!
MY CHARACTER’S NAME IS NIGEL MOLENSKI.
I REALLY BEAT MYSELF UP WITH MAJOR AND MINOR FLAWS SO
I COULD GAIN AS MUCH STEALTH, LEADERSHIP AND
ASSASSIN SKILLS AS POSSIBLE. AMONG OTHER THINGS,
I TOOK HACKING-COUGH, CLAUSTROPHOBIA, AND
NERVOUS-TICK FOR A TOTAL OF 1,675 ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS.
SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME; I CARRY A ·MM
MAKAROV SELF-LOADING PISTOL, I’M A MASTER
OF DIGUISE!! I CARRY A COIL OF NUMBER 9 GUITAR STRING IN MY
POCKET AT ALL TIMES. OTHER THAN THAT I’M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON AND I
NEVER SOCIALIZE WITH ANY OF YOU OUTSIDE THE CONTEXT OF A MISSION.

8
 AGAIN WITH THE SECRECY
CRAP!!!! DUDE, WE’VE GOT TO
HERE SARA, PASS THIS DOWN TO B.A. STICK TOGETHER. I THINK THOSE TWO
IT CONTAINS CONFIDENTIAL HAVE WORKED UP SOME KIND OF
INFORMATION REGARDING MY CONSPIRACY AGAINST US.
CHARACTER.

EEEEEWWWWW!!! A MAN OF
MYSTERY EH?? MY
I THINK YER RIGHT!!! CHARACTER LOVES THE
I WATCH YER STRONG, SILENT TYPE!!
BACK - YOU WATCH
MINE!!
CHECK! ERP..WHEEZE...
CUT IT OUT SARA.

HOLD ON THERE, B.A.!!! LUGAR
GREAT!!! NOW THAT ALL THE
KRINGE IS A LITTLE LEARY
CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS
OF HIS COMPATRIOTS. I WANT TO
ARE FINISHED, YOU ARE
INVESTIGATE THEM!!! I’M GOING TO
READY TO BE BRIEFED FOR
CORNER BRIAN IN THE MEN’S
YOUR FIRST MISSION.
RESTROOM AND ‘PRY’ A FEW
ANSWERS OUT OF HIM.
YEAH!! AND MY CHARACTER, AGENT BRICK, IS GOING TO BREAK INTO
THE BUREAU PERSONNEL OFFICE AND LOOK AT THEIR
SEALED RECORDS.. SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST HAND ME THOSE
ENVELOPES THEY GAVE YOU SO I CAN READ THEM.
I TAKE BOB’S CONFRONTATIONAL
UH-OH BRIAN,
WE BETTER TEAM ATTITUDE AS A PERSONAL THREAT. I’M
UP!! USING MY PEPPER-SPRAY
TIE CLIP ON HIM!!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER... I’M USING THE SECURITY GUARD AS A HUMAN-SHIELD. I’M GOING TO
TRY AND SHOOT THE LOCK OF THE FILE-CABINET ONE MORE TIME BEFORE FLEEING THE
PERSONNEL OFFICE!!
HEY!!! B.A., DID YOU HEAR ME?? I SAID I’M
DROPING THE EXPENDED LAW ROCKET TUBE
AND PICKING MY AK-447 BACK UP. I’M GOING TO KICK IN LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE IN DEEP NOT NECCESARILY!!! MY DESK IS
THE DOOR TO BRIAN’S OFFICE AND DO A KIMSHEE BRIAN!! EQUIPPED WITH CLAYMORE-
KIRK-SHOULDER ROLL AND COME UP MINE PRIVACY
BLAZING AWAY. PANELS!!

(WHIMPER)

9
The Shake-Down Mission Story suggested by brian jelke,
steve johansson, and Clayton BUsh

OKAY, I’VE THOUGHT IT OVER AND THIS IS MY DECISION. LAST WEEK’S HACKNOIA ADVENTURE??? IT NEVER HAPPENED!! I’M NOT LETTING ‹‚-
PLUS HOURS OF ADVENTURE DESIGN AND PREPARATION GO DOWN THE DRAIN. YOU IDIOTS ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING BUT DESTROYING
THE FIFTH FLOOR OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY BUREAU’S ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE BUILDING AND KILLING FORTY OF YOUR FELLOW
AGENTS. SO WE’RE STARTING OVER AT GROUND ZERO. YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR MISSION BRIEFING FROM THE ADMINISTRATOR AND WE WILL MOVE DIRECTLY
INTO THE ADVENTURE!!!! DO NOT PASS GO!! UNDERSTAND??

START OVER??? BUT I WAS MAKING THIS SUCKS!!! ALL THAT WORK GOOD CALL, B.A.!!! LAST WEEK WAS A
GOOD HEADWAY IN MY INVESTIGATION OF BARRACADING MYSELF IN MY OFFICE TOTAL DISASTER!!
SARA AND BRIAN!! WASTED!!!
YOUR OFFICE?? DAMN!!
I KNEW YOU
BACKTRACKED ON ME.

OKAY, YOU’VE ALL RECEIVED ORDERS TO APPEAR IN THE MAIN I’M SHOWING UP AT THE MEETING THIRTY MINUTES EARLY. I’M
CONFERENCE ROOM AT 9:00 A.M. ON MONDAY MORNING FOR YOUR GOING TO CHECK FOR BUGS AND SURVELLANCE DEVICES. I’LL
MISSION BRIEFING BY DIRECTOR HEADLEY!! SINCE REPLACE ANY I FIND WITH THOSE OF MY OWN.
THIS IS YOUR FIRST OFFICIAL MISSION YOU MAY WANT TO MAKE
I’M PURPOSELY SHOWING UP WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
THE BEST POSSIBLE FIRST
FIVE MINUTES LATE!!! ONE OF MORONS?? DO YOU SHARE
IMPRESSION YOU CAN. OKAY,
MY PERSONALITY TRAITS IS THE SAME BRAIN??
AS YOU ENTER THE BRIEFING
ROOM YOU SEE... “COCKY”.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.....

OKAY, DIRECTOR HEADLEY INFORMS YOU THAT SOME STRANGE CROP CIRCLES HAVE RECENTLY
APPEARED IN SOME WHEAT FIELDS OUTSIDE CALGARY IN THE ALBERTA PROVENCE. HE DOESN’T WANT TO COMITT HIS
MORE EXPERIENCED AGENTS TO SUCH A MUNDANE INVESTIGATION SO YOU ARE BEING ASSIGNED. BRIAN WILL
BE THE TEAM LEADER. YOU ARE GIVEN PASSPORTS, AIRLINE TICKETS AND 10,000 DOLLARS FOR ANY UNPLANNED EXPENSES. DUE TO
THE FACT THAT YOU ARE INEXPERIENCED AND THIS IS A SIMPLE INVESTIGATION, NO WEAPONS WILL BE AUTHORIZED!!

CALGARY?? THAT’S A IT’S IN CANADA DON’T WORRY GUYS!!! WHAT THE BRASS
NO WEAPONS?? SOVIET BLOCK COUNTRY!! YOU IDIOT!! DOESN’T KNOW WON’T HURT THEM!!!
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!
NOBODY GOES TO THE FIELD LET’S JUST SAY
UNARMED!! WE’LL HAVE A FEW
PERSONAL
EFFECTS
PACKED AWAY IN
OUR CARRY-ON
BAGGAGE!! HAR
HAR.

10
 HEY¡¡ HOLD ON A MINUTE BABA LOUIE!!
OKAY, HE DISMISSES YOU. YOUR AIRPLANE LEAVES IN TWO I HAVE A LIST OF SPECIAL EQUIPMENT AND WEAPONS I’M GOING TO
HOURS. YOU’LL NEED TO PACK YOUR BAGS AND MEET BACK AT NEED FOR THIS MISSION. I’M GOING DOWN TO SEE CUE IN
THE AIRPORT AN HOUR BEFORE DEPARTURE. MISSION SUPPLY AND OUTFITTING!!!

LIST?? WEREN’T YOU LISTENING?? THIS IS A HEY, I WOULDN’T MIND

SHAKE-DOWN MISSION YOU IDIOT!! GETTING A FEW HIGH-
NO WEAPONS OR GADGETS!! I DON’T THINK THE BUREAU TECH GOODIES
IS GOING TO FULFILL YOUR WISH LIST!! MYSELF!!! I THINK I’LL
GO WITH YOU BOB!!
I THINK YOU’RE FORGETTING THE PERSUASIVE
POWER OF MY RESIDUAL MILITARY
BEARING. I THINK CUE SHOULD HAVE TO
MAKE A SAVING THROW!!

A FEW MOMENTS LATER, AFTER STORMING PAST CUE’S SECRETARY...

SORRY BOB!!! CUE INFORMS YOU THAT THIS IS A CLASS VI MISSION: MINIMAL
RISK TO AGENTS. NO SPECIALIZED EQUIPMENT WILL BE AUTHORIZED!! COME ON GUYS!! WE HAVE A
PLANE TO CATCH!!

OKAY, FORGET THE BERETTA SNIPER RIFLE AND MINIMAL RISK?? WE’RE GOING
THE GRENADE LAUNCHER - CAN I AT LEAST GET THE TO CALGARY FOR GAWD’S SAKE!!! I’M HOPING ON THE INTERNET
KEVLAR TRENCH COAT AND GALOSHES WITH BEHIND THE FREAKIN’ IRON CURTAIN!! TO DOWNLOAD ANYTHING
CONCEALED TOE-DAGGERS?? I CAN FIND ON CROP CIRCLES!!!

CUE TELLS YOU HE IS BUSY AND TO
GET OUT OF HIS OFFICE!!! HE’S
REALLY ANNOYED. HE EVEN ASKS
YOU FOR YOUR NAMES AND BADGE
NUMBERS AND JOTS THEM DOWN ON
A PIECE OF PAPER.
BUSY HUH?? MAYBE HE’S TOO
BUSY TO NOTICE IF I POCKET
SOMETHING FROM HIS DESK BEFORE
I LEAVE. I’LL GRAB ANYTHING I CAN GET
MY HANDS ON WHEN HE ISN’T LOOKING!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! YOU MANAGE TO POCKET A
STAPLER AND A HAND FULL OF PAPER CLIPS!!
GOOD GOING BOB!!! THEY’LL COME
HOODY-HOO!!! IN REAL HANDY IF WE RUN INTO
I WONDER WHAT THEY DO??? SOME HEAVY COLLATING!!
LET’S HAUL BUTT, DUDE!!
WHY DON’T YOU DIVVY UP THE
PAPER CLIPS??

11
 LATER AS THE TEAM TOUCHES
DOWN IN CALGARY....
CRIPES DUDE, RELAX!!!
OKAY AS YOU EXIT THE PLANE YOU ARE DIRECTED TOWARD ALMIGHTY¡¡ WE’RE NSB AGENTS!!! WE’RE GAWDS
CUSTOMS!!! YOU BEGIN WALKING DOWN A LONG CORRIDOR - CUSTOMS?? AND WE’RE TO THESE RENT-A-COP TYPES!!!!
AT THE END YOU CAN SEE A LINE OF UNIFORMED GUARDS LOADED FOR BEAR!!! WHAT
CHECKING LUGGAGE AND PASSPORTS!! ARE WE GOING TO DO??
DAVE’S RIGHT!!! JUST FLASH YER
BADGES AND ACT COOL!!

I TOLD YOU THIS WASN’T

A GOOD IDEA!!

OKAY, I STROLL CONFIDENTLY UP TO

THE FIRST GUARD AND FLASH MY BADGE
AND CREDENTIALS. KEEP MY
INTIMIDATION
FACTOR IN MIND!!!
THE GUARD ASKS YOU TO
WALK THROUGH THE METAL
DETECTOR WHILE HE OPENS
YOUR LUGGAGE.
UH-OH!! I’M QUICKLY
CROTCHING A GRENADE
AND SHOVING MY 45 DOWN THE
FRONT OF MY PANTS.
I’M PRETENDING I’M NOT WITH THESE
BAFFOONS!!! MAYBE I CAN CLEAR
CUSTOMS BEFORE THEY START
WORLD WAR III I’M DROPPING BACK SO
I CAN COVER BOB IF
ANYTHING GOES WRONG!!

SECONDS LATER... YOU’RE RIGHT!!!

SOMEBODY TOLD THEM WE WERE I’M FIRING A TEAR-GAS
OKAY AS DAVE PASSES THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR, THE COMING!! THANK GAWD WE DIDN’T CANISTER!!! THEN I’M
GRENADE HE CROTCHED SETS OFF THE MACHINE. A HALF-DOZEN FALL FOR THAT “NO WEAPONS” CROUCHING BEHIND THE X-RAY
SECURITY GUARDS COME RUNNING OUT OF A SIDE-ROOM!!! CRAP!!! MACHINE AND DONNING MY
JANITOR’S
DAMN!!! I HIT THE DECK!!! DISGUISE!!
GAAAAA!!! IT’S A SET-UP!!!
I PULL OUT MY LUGAR AND LAY DOWN
SOME SUPRESSING FIRE!!

12
 OKAY YOU MANAGE TO PILE LISTEN UP GUYS!!! AS TEAM LEADER I
UP YOUR LUGGAGE TO FORM A HERE BY DECLARE THIS MISSION A BLACK-OP!!!
I’M USING MY · IRON
DEFENSIVE WALL.
ONE OF THE SECURITY
CAMCORDER TO VIDEO TAPE THIS NO WITTNESSES!!!
ENTIRE INCIDENT SO WE HAVE PROOF WE
GUARDS PULLS OUT A WERE AMBUSHED!!
BULL HORN AND ORDERS YOU
TO SURRENDER!!!! CRAP!! THINGS ARE
THE HELL WITH
REALLY GETTING OUT OF
IT. SOMEBODY
I YELL BACK, “WE’RE NSB YOU HAND. AS TEAM LEADER
LOAN ME A
RAT BASTARDS!!! WE I’M LIKELY TO BE THE
WEAPON.
NEVER SURRENDER!!” FALL GUY!!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

THE ONLY OTHER PERSON YOU SEE IS

OKAY YOU TOSS THE A JANITOR APPARENTLY
GRENADE DOWN THE MOPPING UP THE BLOOD. WAIT....THAT’S NO
HALLWAY AND WIPE OUT JANITOR!!!
THE ENTIRE LINE OF GREAT!!! I THOUGHT JANITOR???? WHERE
S.W.A.T. WE WERE GONERS. THE HELL DID HE COME FROM???
OFFICERS!!! I QUICKLY LOOK AROUND I MAKE A CALLED SHOT TO THE
ANYMORE WITTNESSES?? HEAD!!!

HEY YOU IDIOT¡¡¡¡ THAT JANITOR JUST HAPPENS TO AS THE BATTLE ENSUES.....
BE ME¡¡¡ I’M IN DISGUISE - REMEMBER???
SORRY, BOB AIMING THE
STAPLER AT THE GUARD AND
UH....SORRY DUDE!!! YOUR DISGUISE REGARDLESS!!! WHY SQUEEZING IT HAD NO
WAS JUST TOO GOOD! IN THE HELL WOULD DISCERNABLE EFFECT!! DAVE’S
I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU!!! YOU SHOOT A GRENADE DOES BLAST A
JANITOR ANYWAY!! HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE
AIRCRAFT HANGER LARGE ENOUGH
FOR YOU TO ALL SQUEEZE
THROUGH.
IT’S A
BLACK-OP
SARA!!

13
LATER AS THE TEAM FIGHTS THEIR WAY THROUGH DOWNTOWN CALGARY...

I’M SURE THESE SEWER TUNNELS WILL EVENTUALLY

OKAY, I LIFT THE MAN-HOLE COVER AND LEAD US OUTSIDE THE CITY. FROM THERE WE CAN FIND
POP MY HEAD UP. DO I SEE ANYTHING?? OUR WAY TO THE CROP CIRCLES AND TRY TO
SALVAGE OUR MISSION.
GEEZE LOUEEZE!!!
CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO LIVE
OH YOU SEE SOMETHING ALRIGHT!!! THERE IN A POLICE STATE LIKE THIS?? I’M DONNING MY LUMBER JACK
ARE POLICE CARS ON EVERY DISGUISE!!! IF WE GET IN A
CORNER AND HELICOPTERS PINCH I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PASS
COMBING THE SKIES!! MYSELF OFF AS A LOCAL.

A WEE BIT LATER≥≥≥

SEE?? HUH?? I TOLD DID YOU NOTICE HIS REACTION WHEN I MADE THOSE
OKAY YOU GUYS SCOUT OUT THE PARKING LOT OF CROP CIRCLES IN MY MASHED
YOU THAT FRY COOK
BILLY GOAT KIESTER’S POTATOES??? HE DEFINITELY KNOWS
LOOKED SUSPICIOUS!!!
ROADKILL CAFE AND FIND A ⁄·›° SOMETHING!!!
CHEESEBURGER
INTERNATIONAL HARVESTER PICK-
MY ASS¡¡
UP TRUCK WITH THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION!!! DO YOU THINK STEALING A RENT??? AND
VEHICLE IS WISE?? WE HAVE LEAVE A PAPER
CASH!! WE COULD RENT A TRAIL?? I TOLD YOU
BY THE WAY BOB,
CAR AND..... SARA - I DECLARED
YOUR INDIGESTION IS
THIS A BLACK-OP!!
REALLY FLARING
UP!!! IT MAY BE A
BLEEDING
ULCER!!

LATER AT THE CROP CIRCLES≥≥≥

OKAY SARA, YOUR PORTABLE
DATA-COM HAS ESTABLISHED
AN EYE-IN-THE-SKY
SATTELITE LINK. YOUR
COORIDNATES ARE VERIFED - YOU ARE
AT THE CORRECT SITE. ACCORDING TO
YOUR DOWNLOADED DATA - THE
WHEAT FIELDS HERE BELONG TO AN I DON’T KNOW I SHOULD BE MESSING
R.G. PICKENS
EXCELLENT!!! LOOKS LIKE THE RIGHT PLACE FOLKS!! DAVE, DO A VIDEO-CAPTURE OF THE
AREA WITH YOUR FIVE-IRON INFRA-RED CLUB-CAM CORDER. BOB,
YOU’LL MEASURE RADIATION LEVELS AND TAKE SOIL SAMPLES. SARA,
I WANT YOU TO USE YOUR COMPACT-MIRROR LASER-OPTIC SURVEY
UNIT TO GET SOME ACCURATE MEASUREMENTS. LET’S GET TO IT FOLKS!!!
I’M ON IT!!! CROP CIRCLES!!!! A TERRANCE
RADIATION LEVELS???
BRICK PROCUTION!! COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU!!
AROUND WITH RADIATION - WHAT
WITH MY ULCERS AND ALL!! ROGER,
CHIEF!!

14
 OKAY AS YOU ARE BUSY WITH YOUR INVESTIGATION YOU
SUDDENLY HEAR A LOUD NOISE COMING FROM
THE HORIZON. LOOKING UP YOU ARE SURPISED TO SEE A
HUMONGOUS COMBINE MOVING THROUGH
THE WHEAT TOWARD THE CROP CIRCLES.
APPARENTLY THE FARMER IS HARVESTING HIS
WHEAT CROP!!
HUH??? THE BASTARD IS TRYING TO
DESTROY THE EVIDENCE!!! THE COMMIES
MUST HAVE GOTTEN TO HIM!!
WAIT!!! HE’S JUST A HARMLESS
WE’VE GOT TO STOP HIM!!!
FARMER!!! WE DON’T HAVE TO KILL HIM!!
I’M ASSEMBLING THE PIECES OF THE
MINIATURE-MORTAR IN MY
SHAVING KIT!!! HMMMMM. SHE MAY BE RIGHT DAVE. WE
MAY WANT TO TAKE HIM ALIVE FOR
INTERROGATION
PURPOSES. TRY TO DISABLE THE
COMBINE WITHOUT HITTING THE CAB!!

TEN MINUTES LATER≥≥≥ AS A WALL OF FLAME SWEEPS TOWARD YOU - SHOTS SUDDENLY RING
YOU’RE THIRD MORTAR SHELL STRIKES THE THRASHING- OUT. BOB YOU ARE HIT FOR 15 POINTS OF DAMAGE!! A VOICE CRIES OUT,
BLADES OF THE COMBINE, DAVE!! A HUGE BILLOWING CLOUD OF “HOOT MON!!! DAT’S MA PRIZED COMBINE YA
SMOKE RISES UP INTO THE AIR AS THE FLAMES FROM THE DESTROYED!!! I’M A GONNA MAKE YA PAY WIT YER LIFE”
EXPLOSION SETS THE WHEAT FIELD ON FIRE!!
WAIT A MINUTE....
THE CAB DOOR FLIES THAT LAME IT CAN’T BE!!! NO WHO DID HE SAY
OPEN AND THE FARMER ACCENT??? IT WAY IN HELL!! OWNED THIS
LEAPS FROM THE ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE.... FARM AGAIN??
COMBINE CLUTCHING A
HUNTING RIFLE. PICKENS!!!
R.G. PICKENS
(GULP)

RED GURDY PICKENS???* DAMN IT!!! THE FIRE IS GOING

TO DESTROY THE
EVIDENCE AND WE WON’T BE
I’M SLAPPIN’ IN ABLE TO COMPLETE THE MISSION!!!!
NOT RED GURDY, BUT REX ANOTHER THIS IS GOING TO BE A BLEMISH ON MY
GURDY PICKENS!!! I CHUCK A MAGAZINE!! RECORDS. CRAP!!!!!
I’LL TRY AND
GREAT GREAT GRANDSON OF THE FRAGMENTATION OUTFLANK HIM!!
NONE-OTHER!! AND HE JUST GRENADE AT HIM!!!
HAPPENS TO BE A CRACK SHOT
WITH A SQUIRREL GUN!!

* See KODT #4: Streets of Muskeegie

15
GURDY MANAGES TO SHOOT YOU
IN THE HAND, BOB BEFORE YOU CAN
TOSS THE GRENADE. IT LANDS AT
YOUR FEET AND DETONATES. YOU
TAKE ANOTHER fi‚ POINTS
OF DAMAGE!!
I ABSORB HALF THAT DAMAGE WITH MY
KEVLAR-HIP WADERS. THE
OTHER HALF I’LL NULLIFY BY
EXPENDING 10 POINTS OF STRENGTH IN
EXCHANGE FOR A LUCK POINT!!
OKAY, BUT YOUR BURLY BODY BUILD JUST
DROPPED DOWN TO FRAIL BODY BUILD!!
DAMN, BOB!!! REX GURDY REALLY
SCREWED YOU OVER!!! NOW YOUR JUST A
WIMP WITH BLEEDIN’ ULCERS!!!
LET’S TAKE THIS
SNICKER!! HAY-SEED OUT!!!

OKAY DAVE AS YOU ARE LOW-CRAWLING TRYING TO THROUGH THE SMOKE YOU SEE GURDY RUNNING
OUT FLANK GURDY YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF FOR A FARM HOUSE IN THE DISTANCE!!!! HE’S
NOSE-TO-NOSE WITH HIS PIT BULL, GOT A GOOD START ON YOU!!
NICE DOGGIE!!!
GNAWBONE!!!! ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!! NICE DOGGIE!!! RUN MY LITTLE WE’VE GOT TO STOP
IRISH FRIEND!! HIM!!! HE’S GOING TO
I’M RELOADING MY LUGAR AND ATTEMPTING TO CALL FOR HELP!!!
CIRCLE AROUND IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

TEN MINUTES LATER≥≥≥

OKAY BOB AS YOU ARE SEARCHING THE HAYLOFT YOU ARE SUDDENLY SURPRISED BY REX GURDY
PICKENS!!! HE WAS WEARING AN IMPROVISED BUNGIE-SUIT MADE OF STRAW SO YOU BRIAN, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! THE
COULDN’T SEE HIM. HE GETS YOU IN A MANHEIM CHOKE HOLD AND MANAGES TO DISARM YOU. HE CROP CIRCLES HAVE BEEN
THEN PROCEEDS TO PISTOL WHIP YOU SENSELESS WITH YOUR OWN LUGAR DESTROYED. THERE’S NO POINT IN
BEING HERE. WE SHOULD GET
OUT OF DODGE!!
GAAA!!! I’LL ATTEMPT TO I’M SETTIN’ THE BARN ON FIRE TO
GOUGE HIM IN THE EYES WITH SMOKE HIM OUT!!! I AIN’T GETTIN’ YOU HARD OF HEARING???
MY FINGERS!! BEANED WITH A HORSE SHOE AGAIN. THIS IS A BLACK-OP!!!
NO WITTNESSES!!

16
IN YER FACE EVERY MONTH!!!

KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the TM
No. 14
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN
Dinner Table

A Fist Full of Dice and a Bad Attitude!!

Be Sure to Reserve Your Copy of the Next Issue

at your favorite Game or Comic Shop!!
Internally Yours
OKAY, YOU MANAGE TO SET DOWN THE HIGH-JACKED
CANADIAN AIRLINER ON THE WATERS OF LAKE FACE THE MUSIC?? HEROE’S
MICHIGAN. YOUR LIFERAFT IS EVENTUALLY PICKED UP BY A YOU HEAR THAT?? THEY’RE WELCOME?? YOU IDIOT!!
RECREATIONAL BOATER WHO TAKES YOU BACK TO SHORE. PLANNING SOME KIND OF HERO’S WE KILLED 132 INNOCENT
WELCOME!! CITIZENS - CANADIAN
CITIZENS AT THAT!!
WELL?? ARE YOU GUYS
I KNOW NOTHING!
GOING BACK TO NSB
I SAW NOTHING!! LISTEN UP GUYS,
HEADQUARTERS
THERE WERE NO WHILE WE WERE ON
TO FACE THE
WITTNESSES THE PLANE
MUSIC??
REMEMBER? I SCRIPTED A COVER
STORY.

LATER, IN HEADLEY’S OFFICE...

OKAY, HEADLEY ENTERS THE OFFICE AND HE REALLY LOOKS UPSET. HIS SUIT IS DISHEVELED, HE HAS A THREE DAY
GROWTH OF BEARD. HE LOOKS LIKE HE HASN’T SLEPT SINCE HE LAST SAW YOU. HE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. YOU NOTICE HE IS
CLENCHING HIS FISTS SO TIGHTLY THAT HIS FINGERS ARE TURNING PURPLE. YOU CAN ALSO HEAR HIM GRINDING HIS TEETH. AFTER A LONG
PAUSE HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND IN A VOICE QUIVERING WITH RESTRAINT HE CALMLY ASKS, “CAN I HAVE YOUR MISSION REPORT?”
WHAT THE HELL’S AWH MAN, DON’T YOU SEE? HE REMEMBER -
WRONG WITH THIS BATTON DOWN
WAS WORRIED TO DEATH ABOUT THE HATCHES!!! EVERYONE STICKS TO
GUY? SOUNDS LIKE US?? I THINK HE LIKES US. THE COVER-STORY. WE
HE’S ABOUT TO HAVE GOT NOTHING TO
A CORONARY!!! WORRY ABOUT!

OH...UH....B.A., BEFORE WE EXPENSE REPORT?? NOBODY SAID ANYTHING ABOUT

JUMP INTO THE DEBRIEFING EXPENSE REPORTS?? I WANT REIMBURSED FOR MY MEDICAL
I WANT TO MAKE SURE EXPENSES THEN. I BLEW A BIG WAD ON TUMS AND PEPTO. COME
HEADLEY GETS MY (AHEM) TO THINK OF IT - I WANT REIMBURSED FOR THAT CHEESEBURGER!!
EXPENSE REPORT
I WANT REIMBURSED
FOR THE MISSION. I WANTED
FOR THE 95 STITCHES I HEY, DO YOUR OWN
TO HAND MY (AHEM) REPORT
PAID FOR OUT-OF- EXPENSE REPORTS THEN.
TO HIM PERSONALLY!!!
POCKET FORTHOSE
DOG BITES.

18
WITH GREAT CONFIDENCE, BRIAN PRESENTS
THE ‘COVER STORY’ TO HEADLEY.
...IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT THE ALEUTIAN
FREEDOM FIGHTERS RELEASED A MIND-
ALTERING NEURO-GAS INTO THE PLANES
VENTILATION SYSTEM. BY THE TIME WE HAD LANDED AT CALGARY
THE PASSENGERS HAD BEEN DRIVEN UTTERLY AND
COMPLETELY MAD!!! FORTUNATELY, OUR INTENSE NSB
TRAINING ALLOWED US TO RETAIN OUR SANITY AND WE TRIED OUR
BEST TO MAINTAIN ORDER. WE
WATCHED IN HORROR AS THE
PASSENGERS, IN A MOB
FRENZY, RUSHED THE
CUSTOMS STATION. WHAT
FOLLOWED WAS A
BLOOD BATH.
I (CHOKE) DON’T
THINK I’LL EVER GET
OVER THE SIGHT
OF....
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER....
...TO OUR SHOCK WE DISCOVERED OUR RESCUERS WERE ACTUALLY
MEMBERS OF A MILITANT-FRINGE-MORMON
SECT YET UNIDENTIFIED BY THE NSB. THEIR AIM, FROM WHAT
I GATHERED THROUGH MY LIMITED CONTACT WITH THEM, IS TO
LIBERATE UTAH AND ESTABLISH A FREE AND INDEPENDENT
NATION. WE WERE SIMPLY UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO UNKNOWINGLY
DISRUPT THEIR CALGARY BASE=OF-OPERATIONS - THE FARM HOUSE
WHERE THE CROP CIRCLES HAD APPEARED. BOUND AND GAGGED,
WE WERE PLACED ON THE HI-JACKED AIRLINER THEIR PLAN WAS
TO DROP OUR BODIES ON THE UTAH EMBASSY STEPS IN CHICAGO TO
RAISE AWARENESS OF THEIR CAUSE. FORTUNATELY, WE WERE ABLE
TO BREAK FREE AND WRESTLE CONTROL OF THE PLANE FROM.....

FINALLY, BRIAN CONCLUDES HIS REPORT

HEY DUDE, DOES THE BUREAU HAVE A MONEY
YEAH, IN THE FUTURE YOU SHOULD WARN CHANGING DEPARTMENT?? I GOT STUCK WITH
HEADLEY LOOKS AROUND THE TABLE A POCKET FULL OF CANADIAN COINS!
GIVING EACH OF YOU A STERN LOOK. AGENTS ABOUT TRAVELLING ABROAD.
“SO?” HE ASKS TAPPING HIS FINGERS CUSTOMS IS A BITCH!!
SOMEBODY JUST REMEMBER
ON THE TABLE TOP, “IS THERE SHOOT ME!! GUYS - STICK TO
ANYTHING ELSE ANYONE WANTS TO THE STORY.
ADD TO THE REPORT??”

HEADLEY IS FIT TO BE TIED!!! HE UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF ABSOLUTE VENOMOUS RAGE AGAINST

YOU!!! THE VEINS ON HIS FOREHEAD ARE VISIBLY THROBBING. THE POOR MAN IS LITERALLY FROTHING AT THE MOUTH. YOU ARE
FORCED TO ENDURE HIS VERBAL ATTACKS FOR NEARLY FORTY MINUTES AS HE TALKS ABOUT WAR WITH CANADA BEING
NARROWLY AVERTED, THE PRESIDENT CHEWING HIS BEHIND, CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES, BEING FORMED....
JUST STICK TO THE
ENOUGH FLAVOR WHAT THE HELL WOW!!! HE’S
STORY!!! REMEMBER, THERE
TEXT!!! ARE WE READY TO IS THIS GUY’S REALLY UPSET!!
WERE NO WITTNESSES!!
TALK PROMOTIONS AND PROBLEM?
EXPERIENCE POINTS YET??

19
 OH YEAH, ABOUT YOUR “STORY”. HEADLEY OPENS A HEADLEY DISMISSES YOU. OH, SARA, HEADLEY SAYS HE HAS SOME
REPORT AND READS THE ‘REAL’ DETAILS OF YOUR BUNGLED QUESTIONS ABOUT (AHEM) YOUR EXPENSE REPORT.
MISSION. HE HAS ALL THE FACTS - THE MASSACRE HE’D LIKE YOU TO ACCOMPANY HIM TO LUNCH TO DISCUSS IT!!!
AT THE CUSTOMS STATION, THE GUN
BRAWL IN DOWNTOWN CALGARY, EVEN OH...(BLUSH)...I KNEW MY I FUDGED MY MATH ON THOSE
THE 10,000 DOLLAR MISSION FUND BOB TOTALS. YES, I’D BE GLAD TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM.
REPORTED LOST BUT POCKETED. AS HE’S READING THE REPORT
HE BEGINS SHAKING SO BADLY WITH ANGER THAT HE HAS TO
HOW THE HELL DID HE BREAK OUR COVER-
PAUSE AND WIPE THE SWEAT FROM HIS FOREHEAD.
UP?? WE ALL STUCK TO OUR STORY!!
HE INFORMS YOU THAT YOU ARE HEY WHY IS
ALL ON PROBATION - I BET THAT DAMN
SARA OFF
WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SARA. STAPLER WAS
THE HOOK???
THE REST OF YOU WILL BE SOME KIND OF BUG OR
LUNCH??
ASSIGNED DESK JOBS AT NSB SOMETHING!!
HEADQUARTERS UNTIL THE
INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETED.

YEAH, WHAT’S UP WITH THAT SARA??

WELL...ER...UH...TO TELL YOU
YOU PLAYIN’ KOOCHIE- I’M SMELLIN’ THE TRUTH GUYS NOTHING IS WE TRUSTED YOU
MAMA FOR HEADLEY OR A RAT IN THE GOING ON. I JUST...ER...UH.... JAMIE DAWN!!!
SOMETHING?? WHAT GIVES? NEST!!! WE TRUSTED YOU AS ONE
OF OUR OWN!!!

AWH THE HELL WITH OF COURSE.....YOUR CHARACTERS DON’T KNOW THAT...AND

IT. B.A. BLEW MY COVER YOU....YOU....CAN’T ACT ON THAT KNOWLEDGE.....YOU KNOW
ANYWAY. NEWS BULLETIN FOR THAT??....RIGHT?? GUYS???
YOU GUYS!!! JAMIE
DAWN IS A MEMBER OF
INTERNAL
AFFAIRS!!!
I WAS ASSIGNED TO THIS TEAM
TO HELP WEED OUT
CORRUPTION AND
INCOMPETENCE!!!
NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT IT WAS
MY JOB TO REPORT THE TRUTH!!
SWOOSH! SWIS
THANKS TO YOUR LITTLE H!
“BLACK-OP” I EXPECT TO
BE PROMOTED AT LEAST TWO
SKILL LEVELS!!!!

20
 TRAITOR¡¡¡ BLAM¡ BLAM¡
BLAM¡¡¡ THREE CALLED SHOTS TO SARA’S
HEAD. BLAM¡ BLAM¡ BLAM¡ THREE
CALLED SHOTS TO HEADLEY’S HEAD!!!
I’M SORRY SARA. BOB’S ATTACK COMPLETELY CAUGHT YOU
AND DIRECTOR HEADLY OFF GUARD. YOU’RE BOTH
DEAD. YOUR BRAINS SPLATTERED AGAINST THE WALLS,
DRIPPING DOWN THE VARIOUS CHARTS AND...

ROT IN HELL!!! YOU

RAT BASTARDS!!!

SHUT UP¡ JUST SHUT UP≤ B.A.¡¡¡ SHUT UP¡ I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A LONG DESCRIPTION ABOUT
MY BRAIN-GOO RUNNING DOWN THE WALLS¡¡¡ I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU!! YOU
BUMBLING IDIOT¡¡¡¡ YOU...(SPUTTER) YOU...(SPUTTER) YOU BLEW MY COVER!! WORSE YET - YOU
LET... (SPUTTER) YOU LET THESE IMBECILES ACT ON KNOWLEDGE THEIR CHARACTERS DIDN’T EVEN
KNOW. I... (SPUTTER) I... (SPUTTER). I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER RIGHT NOW!!! I THINK I HAD BETTER LEAVE
BEFORE I START TEARING DOWN THE WALLS!!!

M¡ ¡¡
S L A

21
 OKAY, WE ARRANGE THE BODIES SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY BEFORE WE CALL SECURITY I’M
SHOT EACH OTHER. I’M PUTTING MY LUGAR IN SARA’S I’LL GRAB SARA’S SHOOTING MYSELF IN THE ARM
HAND. THEN WE’LL CALL SECURITY. WE’LL TELL THEM REPORT AND DESTROY WITH BOB’S GUN!!! I WANT IT TO
SARA’S WAS A SPURNED LOVER AND SHOT HEADLEY IT!!!! NOW NOBODY LOOK LIKE TRIED TO TAKE A
BEFORE KILLING HERSELF!!! KNOWS NOTHIN’!! BULLET FOR HEADLEY BY
SO....YOU’RE TELLING THEM SARA THROWING MYSELF IN THE LINE
SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD OF FIRE!!
THREE TIMES??

WHOAH... THAT’S A DAMN GOOD IDEA!!!
SOMEBODY SHOOT ME IN THE ABDOMEN!!!
I’M IN
HELL!!!
OH GREAT!!! YOU TWO COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A HEY!! BACK OFF
ROSE!!! YOU TOOK A BULLET FOR THE BIG GUY!!! JACK¡¡ IT WAS MY
WHAT ABOUT ME?? I’M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A IDEA!!! TOO MANY HEROES
FREAKIN’ COWARD SITTIN’ HERE WITH NO WOUNDS. DILUTES THE RECOGNITION
SHOOT ME A COUPLE OF TIMES, WILLYA?? FACTOR IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.

22
Prying Eyes
OKAY, THE BUREAU’S SPECIAL INQUIRY COMPLETES IT’S INVESTIGATION. YOU
HAVE ALL BEEN CLEARED OF ANY WRONG DOING. YOU ARE REMOVED FROM PROBATION AND PLACED
BACK ON THE ACTIVE-AGENT LIST AND ELIGIBLE FOR FIELD ASSIGNMENTS ONCE AGAIN.
GREAT!! NOW THAT MY
I TOLD YOU GREASING A FEW PALMS WITH BLEMISHED NAME HAS BEEN
HAAAA!!! SARA CLEARED, I CAN RESUME MY
THAT TEN-GRAND WOULD DO THE TRICK!!
MISSED OUT!!! CLIMB TO THE TOP!!

OKAY, THE NEW ADMINISTRATOR, WARKOWSKI SUMMONS YOU FOR A MISSION BRIEFING IN HIS OFFICE. HE TELLS YOU HE IS GIVING YOU
A VERY IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT - ONE THAT COULD POSSIBLY DETERMINE THE FUTURE OF THE NSB ITSELF. THE LIVES OF YOUR
FELLOW AGENTS ARE AT STAKE. DURING A RECENT IN-HOUSE EVALUATION EVIDENCE WAS UNCOVERED THAT A MOLE
HAS INFILTRATED THE RANKS OF THE NSB. YOU’RE JOB IS TO FIND OUT WHO THE DOUBLE-AGENT IS AND TO ELIMINATE HIM.

THIS SUCKS!!! ANYONE COULD BE

A MOLE?? IN THE MOLE!!! WE CAN’T TRUST ANYBODY!!
OUR RANKS???
LEAVE IT TO US, I WISH YOU HADN’T
CHEIF!!! WE’LL KILLED JAMIE
SNIFF THE RAT DAWN, DUDE!! SHE’S
BASTARD OUT!! GOOD AT SOLVING
MYSTERIES AND STUFF!!

WARKOWSKI NICE WORK, NUMB DICE!! WE JUST GET

JUST WHAT THE
LOOKS VISIBLY SORRY DUDE, I DIDN’T KNOW HE REINSTATED AND NOW WARKOWSKI IS
HELL DO YOU
SHAKEN WHEN YOU WAS LISTENING. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO BLOW THE WHISTLE!!!
THINK YOU’RE
SAY THAT DAVE!!!! HE THINKING HOW BADLY WE COULD WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HIM
DOING??
TURNS A LITTLE PALE USE SARA RIGHT NOW!! OUT!!!! FIRST I GOTTA
AND QUICKLY EXCUSES HIT THE CAN!!
HIMSELF.

23
OH, I SEE!!! IT’S MY FAULT SARA’S DEAD??? IS THAT
IT?? WELL SHE’S THE ONE WHO WAS GOING AROUND
RATTING ON US. OR DID YOU FORGET
THAT?? HER AND HER LITTLE SECRET NOTES
TO B.A.!!! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS FISHY WHEN SHE
WOULDN’T TELL US EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW
ABOUT HER CHARACTER. IT WAS A DEAD GIVE AWAY - WE
SHOULD HAVE KILLED HER ON THE SPOT!!
I AGREE!!! IF IT HADN’T BEEN FOR BRIAN
STICKING UP FOR HER AND THROWING THOSE
RULES IN OUR FACE ABOUT NONDISCLOSURE OF
CHARCTER INFORMATION I WOULD HAVE
THROWN A HISSY-FIT!! IT JUST AIN’T RIGHT.
PLAYERS SHOULD STICK TOGETHER.

AMEN BROTHER!!!! WHAT

SURPRISED THE HELL OUT OF ME WAS YEAH!! TALK ABOUT NOT
THAT EVEN BRIAN WOULDN’T TELL US BEING ABLE TO TRUST
EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS CHARACTER. HE ANYBODY!!
KNOWS BETTER THAN........

JUMPIN’ BAJEEMERS!! QUICK!!! LET’S

I THINK BRIAN LOOK AT HIS
NOT BRIAN!! ANYONE CHARACTER SHEET
IS THE MOLE!!!
BUT BRIAN!!! WE GOTTA BE SURE WHILE HE’S IN THE
¡ ABOUT THIS. LET’S NOT MAKE
ANY HASTY CALLED-SHOTS TO
JOHN!!

THE HEAD OR ANYTHING.

24

DAMN!!! CAN YOU
BELIEVE THAT??? HE TOOK
IT WITH HIM?? THAT
KLINCHES IT!!!! SOMETHING IS
DEFINITELY GOING ON!!!
THIS CALLS FOR A LITTLE
STEALTH AND WIT!!! COVER FOR
ME!!! I’M GOING TO HIDE UNDER
NAH, IT DOESN’T MEAN A THE TABLE. SSSHHHHHHH!!!!
THING. HE ALWAYS HERE HE COMES!!!
TAKES HIS CHARACTER
SHEET TO THE CAN.

HEY, B.A.!!! YOU NEED TO PUT OUT ANOTHER ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN THE
BATHROOM. YER ALL OUT. SO...ARE WE READY TO TAKE OUT
WARKOW........HEY???? WHERE THE HELL DID BOB GO??

HE...UH....HE WENT OUT TO

GET SOMETHING FROM HIS
CAR. HE’LL BE BACK!!!

THE BROWNING GP OF COURSE!!! IT’S A

HUH... HEY BRIAN!! (GULP) YOU PROBABLY KNOW THE NINE MILIMETER. THE NOMAD IS JUST
(GULP) WELL AS SOON ANSWER TO THIS. UH...ER...WHICH PISTOL HAS MORE
AS BOB GETS BACK A CRAPPY .22 CALIBER WEAPON.
PUNCHING POWER - THE BROWNING GP 35 THINKING OF CHANGING YOUR WEAPON
FROM...UH..HIS CAR... OR THE BROWNING NOMAD??
WE’LL PICK UP WHERE OF CHOICE?
WE LEFT OFF.

25
 NO.....UH....(ACKK!!) HELL, THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO
SWEAR BY SUCH THINGS AS SWITCH
CH¡¡
I...UH....UH...WAS JUST
CURIOUS, THAT’S ALL. SAY, BLADES, GARROTS, STUN-GUNS, WHATEVER. PUN
WHAT WOULD YOU (GULP) BY MY RECKONING, HOWEVER, NOTHING
UH...RECOMMEND AS FAR BEATS THE RAW NAKED POWER OF THE KR
UN
AS A GOOD CLOSE HUMAN FIST!!! CH
¡¡
¡
DEFENSE WEAPON??? H¡
AS
KR
WOULDN’T YOU
AGREE.....BOBBY-BOY??

A FEW MINUTES LATR...

WHOAH DUDE!!!! DEJA-VU!!! YOU LOOK EXACTLY
LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY PEED ON THAT
VOLTAGE METER BEHIND THE MALL!!

(GROAN) WELL.... AT LEAST

I PROVED BRIAN WAS THE MOLE!!!
TH
UM
P¡

BRAVO! BRAVO!!! WELL DONE, B.A.!!!

THAT WAS THE BEST DAMN ADVENTURE YOU
EVER RAN!!! I’LL TELL MY KIDS ABOUT THIS
ONE!!!! BRAVO!!!

CL
AP
CL E
AP TY
¡¡

26
 now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheesy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
copy this page and write your own classic KODT story ideas. Mail your entry* to

KODT IDEA SEARCH

KODT: 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION INDIANA, 46953

* The Fine Print: All entries become the property of Kenzer and Company. By submitting your story line, you hereby assign all
right title and interest in and to the story to Kenzer and Company. If your idea is used you will receive a free, autographed
copy of the issue in which it appears. By returning this form with your submission, you agree to be bound by these terms.
 B.A. is 30 years old and lives with his
parents. When he isn’t gaming he works part-
time in his dad’s dry cleaning shop. B.A.
dropped out of college to follow his dream of
being a game designer. He sunk $6,000 into his
first gaming product, DAWG: the Role-Playing
G a m e ™, which was a bomb. B.A. suffered a
nervous breakdown and left gaming for a few
years before picking up his dice bag again. He
founded the Knights of the Dinner Table in 1976.
The Dossiers

B.A. Felton

Bob is 26 years old and also lives with his

parents. He is currently unemployed even
though he’s taken over 8 years of vocational
classes at a local tech college. He has a
habit of losing his job because of his temper
and sharp tongue. Bob was the first dues
paying member of the group. Bob is from the
old school of role-playing and believes it’s
all about breaking things and killing people.
He made the local papers once when he got lost
in the steam tunnels under the tech college
for seven days.
Bob Herzog

Dave is 22 years old and attends Ball State

University where he is studying cultural
anthropology and dance theory. Dave was
introduced to role-playing by Bob whom he met
at a local paintball tournament. Dave is a
true blooded hack-n-slasher who becomes bored
easily. He often forgets to bring his
character sheet to the game and tends to borrow
someone else’s dice. Dave originally joined
the group to take advantage of the free
munchies.
Dave Bozwell

Brian is 27 years old and lives alone. He

manages to make a modest living operating a
local computer bulletin board and selling
painted miniatures. Brian is typically quiet
and utters only three word sentences unless a
rule has been broken or his character has
been maligned. Even though Brian can’t
remember his own phone number, he can recite
entire passages of various rule books from
memory. He claims to have a girlfriend but
no one has ever seen her.
Brian VanHoose
 Sara is 25 years old and is B.A.’s cousin. She recently
moved back to Muncie, Indiana from Wisconsin and is the
newest member of the group. Unfortunately, Sara is also the
only female in the group and fights a lonely battle to bring
more role-play into the group’s gaming sessions and less
hack-n-slash. Sara has decided it is her sworn obligation
to bring the other members of the group around to her style
of play. She attempts to do this by example but
occasionally has to resort to threats and physical bullying
to make her point.
Sara Felton
Gary Jackson is fondly known as the “Gawdfather of
Gaming” by millions of gaming enthusiasts around the
world. His failing wargame company, Hard 8 Enterprises,
was about to close its doors for good in 1977 when Gary
tossed the dice on a hastily produced role-playing game,
The HackMasters of EverKnight ™. The first print run was
quickly snapped off the shelves and soon frantic
distributors were calling Gary’s three man shop with
pleas of “More!” Gary has been riding Hackmaster spin-
offs ever since.
Gary Jackson
Edmund Finely was once Gary Jackson’s paperboy. One morning
he was coerced into filling an empty chair during a play-
testing session of HackMaster and became ensnared in ‘Gary’s
Game’. That was twenty years ago and Edmund has been on the
Hard 8 team ever since (though he’s only been on the payroll
for the past four months). Edmund wears the proud title of
“Director of Research and Development” and recently oversaw
the production of his first written work, Abe, Babes and
RollerBlades ™, described as a “sexy, zany, time-travelling
romp through history and fashion”.
Edmund Finley
Victor Fergueson became known as the Lord of Steam when he adapted the
HackMaster rules to live-action play and began taking hand picked groups
of players on late night forays into the labyrinth of steam tunnels
beneath Ball State University. After ‘Fergueson’s Folly’ made national
headlines (Victor and his group were lost for 7 days prompting a massive
rescue search), the steam tunnels were secured and dozens of entrances
were sealed with concrete. There are several contradicting accounts of
what happened weeks later on the evening of January 5th, 1987 but it
involved a satchel of C-4 high explosive, a miscalculation of the expected
blast radius, and a medical evacuation of the Campus Administration
Building which collapsed during an attempt to breach the steam tunnels.
The incident earned Victor the nickname ‘Nitro’ and 5 years probation.
Nitro Fergueson
“Weird” Pete Ashton is 46 years old and is the sole
proprietor of a local gamestore called the “Games Pit”. Pete
is proud of the fact that he was one of the co-designers of
the cult classic role-playing game, Lynch Mob™. Pete loves to
relate the story of how he was burned by his partners and lost
“millions”. Pete is always available for advice but oddly
seems to be very bitter about the hobby he loves so much. He
was a major stockholder in Hard 8 Enterprises but sold his
shares mere days before HackMaster was released.

Weird Pete
 Life’s a Serendipity’s Circle
BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS
Game!! Price: $3.00
PLAY!! Subscription: $12 per year
Frequency: Quarterly
12345 Lake City Way NE
Suite 147
Seattle, WA 98125
_____
Fans ofWierd fantasy and Horror
role-playing will welcome this excellent
digest-sized publication. About the
best bang for your buck I’ve seen in a
long time. Sixty pages packed with
adventures, rule-variants, articles, and
much more. It’s enough to make the
dead cry for more.
Issue 11 had material for
BloodShadows, Chill, Over the Edge,
Nightlife, Whispering Vault,
Deadlands, and much more.
Impressive stuff.
Brian’s Rating: Gotta-See-It

Big Eyes, Little Mouth

A Universal Japanese Anime Role-Playing Game
Price: $13.95 By Mark Mackinnon
Guardians of Order, 176 Janefield Ave, Unit #300 Guelph, Ontario CA
_____
BESM is a multi-genre role-playing system that drops you into the world of
Japanese Anime. (comedy, horror, fantasy, sci-fi, etc.) Grab two six-siders and
you’re on your way to adventure. Character generation takes as little as ten
minutes. The rules are simple, clean and to the point. What more could you ask
for? The designer did a great job packing the book with as much material as
possible to enhance play. There are rules for mechs, magic, psionics, artifacts,
adventure seeds, etc.
BESM is beautifully illustrated. I particularly loved the size and format of the
book - I’d like to see more RPGs and supplements in this format. If anime turns
your crank, you’ll definitely want to check this one out.
Brian’s Rating: Well-Worth-It.

Fractal Spectrum
The Magazine for the Creative Gamer
Price: $2.95
Subscription: $10 per year
Frequency: Quarterly
17-29 Main Street Suite 316
Cortland, NY 13045
____

Tired of the house-organ rags put out by the big guys?? Then
you’ll find this comic-book sized game publication a refreshing
change. Here you’ll find such things as interviews with game
designers, reviews, rule-variants, informative articles, etc.

The real gem here, however, is the industry news section,

Echoes in the Night. In my opinion it is the best compilation of
news items available. If you want to know what’s going on in the
gaming industry, and who is doing it - this is the place. Worth
the price of admission alone.

Brian’s Rating: Snag-a-Copy!

 Mohammed:
ATTENTION GPA MEMBERS!!! Nefarious German activity in the
place an ad in weird pete’s bulletin board. it’s an north Chalbi. Mubolanta worries
inexpensive way to reach you target audience. passt relics will be disturbed. Pain,
death, ancient horrors and worse
YOU’RE READING THIS AIN’T YA??? will surely follow.

WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD

(contact Mr. Ashton at weirdpete@aol.com for an ad rate sheet) Preston

We uncovered a small cache of KODT #2s [Gluttons for Punishment] in the back of the Rich,
warehouse. These are being sold via credit card only on a first come, first served basis. If The fiends!
you are interested in purchasing one of these, call or fax (847) 397-2404 or E-mail
kenzerco @aol.com with your Visa/Mastercard/Discover number and expiration date. The Fred
cost is $7.95 + $1.00 postage & handling. Once these issues are gone, they’re gone forever!!

We are also down to our last few copies of KODT #3 [License to Loot].
The cost is $7.95 + $1.00 postage & handling. See above for ordering details.
Classic
Quotes:
ATTENTION FREELANCERS
Kenzer and Company is looking for a few good writers and artists!! Last month’s
Get a copy of our writer’s guidelines by sending a SASE to: quote was uttered by Merlin in
KenzerCo, 1935 S. Plum Grove Rd, Suite 194, Palatine, IL 60067 Excaliber while addressing Arthur’s
or you can request them via E-mail by writing to KenzerCo@aol.com knights after the land became united.

The Egyptian Campaign ‘98 is a gaming convention held on the campus of Southern Illinois University
at Carbondale March 27-29. The convention’s doors open at 11am on Friday and 8am Saturday and
Sunday. It features eights gaming slots, special guests, a used game auction and miniatures contest.
Admission is only $12 at the door and $10 with preregistration. There are no event fees. Games include
RPGA AD&D, Shadowrun, Battletech, Warhammer 40K, Empire Builder, Diplomacy, Axis & Allies,
Magic, Monty Python CCG, Star Fleet Battles, Car Wars and many other board, miniature, card and
roleplaying games. For more information please write to Egyptian Campaign 1998, c/o S.I.U.C. Strategic
Games Society. Office of Student Development, 3rd Floor Student Center, Carbondale, IL 62901-4425 or
call Joel T. Nadler at (618) 529-4630 or E-mail to ECGGamCon@aol.com. Also visit our WEB site at
http://www.siu.edu/~gamesoc.

BRIAN!! would you cut it out

with that espionage stuff already!!
i don’t need JANET RENO’S
GOON SQUAD shutting me
down AGAIN!!

WEIRD PETE”S
BULLETIN BOARD is a
meeting place where
readers pass along
information, barter, trade
and gossip. Readers are
invited to place classified ads,
announce group meetings, seek out other
players, etc. Subscribers of KODT may place
classified ads free of charge with a limit of one ad per issue and a
maximum of twenty-five words. Non-Subscribers may place ads at the rate
of 50¢ per word with a limit of 25 words. Companies may place ads at the following
rates: [5.5 inches x 2 inches - 50 dollars], [2.75 inches x 2 inches - 25 dollars], [1.5 inches x 1
inch - 10 dollars]. Non-profit organizations (serving the gaming community) and Conventions/Seminars
may place ads for free. All ads are placed on a first-come-first serve basis with subscribers having priority.
 20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom
Stallmate at a Gaming Convention
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask
your neighbor, "May I borrow a twenty sider?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips
on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody
breaks the silence with a bodily function noise and
yell, “10 experience points”
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
PARTING SHOTS
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh crap! My glass eye!
My glass eye!"
6. Give a stifled scream and mutter, "For the love of
gawd!! I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and
then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a
height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. (For added effect,
twitch your feet violentlly prior to dropping the
cantelope).
8. Working with a partner in another stall - pretend
you are playing a game of Battleship. Accomplice 1:
B (grunt followed by a splash) 4!
Accomplice 2: Miss (grunt)
Accomplice 1: B (painful moan-splash) 5
Accomplice 2: Hit!
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors
while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Yell out, “Save vs. Gas!”
12. Take a few Milk Duds and squish them into a
wad of toilet paper and let it drop on the floor and
kick it into your neighbor’s stall. Then politely ask,
“Whoops, could you pass that back over please?"
13. Have a converstation with yourself using
various voices. "Quit looking at me!!” “Who the hell
is looking at you?” “You are!” “No he wasn’t” “Who
the hell asked you?” “Hey don’t jump all over me
beanhead - I was standing up for you!” “Well he
doesn’t need your help!”
11 Ways to Annoy a Vendor at a Game Convention
1. Pick up his latest product, skim through it and say,
“Oh....I had this idea 15 years ago.”
2. Pick up his latest product and comment how beautiful
the cover is. Start to pull out your money as if you are
going to buy a copy and say, “How the hell did you get
Elmore to do a cover for you?” When the vendor informs
you the work isn’t Elmore’s look dissapointed and say
“Oh.” Walk away.
3. Ask to meet the designer/author. Then hang around the
booth all day and when anyone approaches the booth,
proudly announce, “Hey! I know these guys!!!”
4. Tell him all about your really cool Paladin Assassin.
5. Closely inspect a product for flaws and rub the paper
through your fingers as if to imply that it is cheap. Then
ask, “Is this what the final version will look like?”
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the
stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a
lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the
balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine
alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Knock on the stall wall. When the guy next to
you asks what you want, reply, “You ever play a
thief-assassin??” If he answers, “Yes” respond
with, “Wow! Tell me all about him.” If he answers,
“No” respond by telling him all about the one you
played.
16. Same as number 15 but this time say, “Hey
dude, ya gotta come see this. I swallowed a four-
sider yesterday and...”
17. Pretend you are rolling up a character and
comment on the stats you are getting. (Be sure to
roll some dice on the floor so your neighbor can
see them.) “Whoo-Hoo!! 18 Strength!! This dwarf
rocks!!” For an added touch reach your hand under
the stall wall and ask your neighbor to “blow” on
your dice for good luck.
18. Take some miniatures and create a diarama on
the stall floor (where your neighbor can see them
as well). Then roll some dice and move them about
as if you are playing a miniatures game. (Variant:
Have an accomplice set up his armies in a stall on
the other side of your neighbor so you outflank him
on both sides and the proceed to “march” into his
stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall,
adjust it so you can see your neighbor’s face and
say, "Hey!! Didn’t you kick my ass in Civilization
last night?
20. Get a group of friends and occupy every stall
but one. When someone finally occupies the empty
stall - pretend you are playing some kind of live-
action roleplaying game yelling out combat actions
and results.
6. Tell him, “Wow, that’s great idea but here’s what you
should have done.”
7. Interrupt his lunch by asking detailed questions every
time he tries to take a bite.
8. Sit down at one of his demo tables and start playing a
competitor’s game.
9. Tell him there’s a really good game of [his system]
going on in the men’s room. He should go check it out.
10. Eat a really spicy burrito or burger with raw onions.
Then hang around his booth and talk to everyone
continously making sure to get really close to their face.
11. Keep him at his booth late by talking and asking
stupid questions. When security asks you to leave tell
them that you are with him.
And Now For Something Completely Different.....
A Card Game That’s Fun(ny)

Collectible Card Game

Once again, Monty Python makes the headlines. Monty Python and The Holy
Grail Collectible Card Game (MPHG) is a zany, wacky game designed by Kenzer
and Company. Kenzer & Company was started with the unofficial slogan “Games
made by gamers, for gamers” and MPHG exemplifies that spirit of a truly enjoyable
game. From King Arthur (who has the brain of a duck, you know) to some lovely
filth down here, you steer a group of Knights of the
Round Table through England to
Avalon, in search of the Most Holy
Grrrrrail. Along the way you may
encounter The Knights Who Say Ni, a
rodent with a vicious streak a mile wide,
clever French folk who taunt you a second
time-a; even wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot awaits. All the while your
opponent is on a journey of his own through his England and you’re
each playing Questions Three, taunts and Plague Ridden Villages to
impede each other’s progress toward
an unfettered ending that can only be
described as a fair cop. So GET ON WITH IT .
Company founder, MPHG co-designer, trained
stunt man and part-time Chilean coffee grower and
llama rancher, David Kenzer, describes MPHG as “Jolly
good fun.”
“We were faced with a difficult task,” Dave adds,
“design a game that was not only fun to play and chal-
lenging, but funny; and not just funny, but PYTHON
FUNNY.” They have hit the nail on the head with a 40
ton weight. “I laughed so hard my sides hurt,” says Mr.
Spock after playing the game just once. This type of
response seems to have been expected from game designer,
beer brewer, and professional liver donor, Brian Jelke. “We
wanted people to laugh out loud when they played our game.”
But what is this game really all about? What sets this CCG apart from all the rest?
What’s the catch? It’s not the lack of naughty bits and full-frontal nudity. Then what is it?? One reason is the rib-
splitting quotes found on almost every card. “The quotes were so enjoyable, I nailed my opponent’s head to the
floor,” says D. Piranha. “That type of extreme reaction is unusual,” says co-designer, computer geek and mob hit-
man, Steve Johansson. “We knew that people would be affected to differing degrees; but we hoped to keep the body
count (and subsequent FBI investigation) to ‘an acceptable level.’”
But MPHG involves more than just great quotes. There is also play acting, taunts, head tapping, spankings and a
few raspberries. Every gamer knows that nothing is more fun than verbally abusing and mocking your friends during
game play. The beauty of MPHG is that the taunting is built right in. A close second to taunting in gamer enjoy-
ment is embarrassing your friends in public. MPHG encourages this with song cards that require your opponent to
stand and sing such classics as the Brave Sir Robin Song, or the Knights of the Round Table Song. Singing is volun-
tary, of course, but if your opponent does not sing, a nasty effect listed on the card will occur. Besides songs, other
cards require head-tapping, raspberries, hip shaking, sword swallowing, high jumping and sumo wrestling.
Quite a bit of strategy is involved both during the game and before. While playing you have to make key, split
second decisions about whether to use your wits, combat or to stand and shout “Run Away! Run Away!” CPA and
retired rodeo bull rider, Jennifer Kenzer explains, “[T]he game is simple, but the strategy is all rather complex.
Almost every card has both a
primary and a secondary
ability so it’s hard to decide
when to play your cards
because you have so many
options.”

60 card Starter Decks $10.95

15 card Booster Packs $3.45
Monty Python and the Holy Grail CCG is produced by Kenzer and Company, the exclusive holder of the worldwide card game license from Python (Monty) Pictures,
Ltd. Card content and design © Copyright 1997 Kenzer and Company. All Rights Reserved. Movie stills © NFTC Ltd.
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YOUR CAMPAIGN
Exciting Supplements for The Kingdoms of Kalamar
Like all Kenzer and Company products, these products have been designed with
the Gamemaster in mind. Both feature ImageQuest - a pullout picturebook of real-
istic artwork keyed to the text. Each story contains fully developed historical back-
grounds and perspectives of all the major protagonists. All descriptions have boxed
text for speedy play and a wealth of aids for GM and players alike are included.
These supplements are suitable for use with any role-playing system, including, but
not limited to HackMaster™ and Advanced Dungeons & Dragons®*.

“Gamemastering has never been so easy or so much fun!” - B.A. Felton

Tragedy in the House of Brodeln Secret Temple of Adajy

Duke Aldriv III has been brutally murdered
and his brother, Prince Cardor, has disappeared.
Prince Cardor’s son, Mordeln. believes he may
be the assassins’ next target. Let your player’s
personalities come alive as they join forces with
Mordeln in his desperate race to find his miss-
ing father. Can your players find the Prince
before the assassins do?
This accessory provides entry level characters
with a chance for every type of adventure:
town, wilderness & dungeon. You will take
your PCs to the Duchy of Etwerl in southern
Mendarn, within the village of Yelden, into the
dungeons of Castle Brodeln, through the Narond
Forest and up the Yan Elenon Mountains.
$ 9.95
Danger lurks in and around Thygasha, the famous
City of Dreams...
Religious factions disrupt the peace with mortal com-
bat in the streets, prospectors have been disappearing,
the Orb of Midnight - an evil artifact - has been stolen,
Prince Shyja’s scout troops are missing and an ancient
burial crypt has suddenly reappeared.
This 72 page world supplement and free-flowing
adventure setting has hooks for mid-level characters of
any motivation from chivalry or knowledge to greed
and evil. You will take your players to Thygasha on
the eastern side of Renaaria Bay, around the Arajyd
Hills, into the foreboding Khydoban desert, through
two dangerous dungeons, and back again.
$ 9.95

*Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast. Use of this trade-
mark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the Sovereign
Lands, HackMaster and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.