Jinhua Yang

Professor Dean Leonard

English-1201

03 November 2019

Characteristic for Healthy Long-Term Marriage

Last year approximately 130,000 people tied the knot Ohio. Sadly most of these

marriages will not last. According to The Balance, the average length of a marriage that

will end in divorce is only seven years and almost half of all U.S. marriages will divorce.

(Lake) Over 60% of second marriages will end in divorce. For married couple over 50

years old the divorce rate is double since 1990. For over 65, the divorce rate is tripled!

Not really “Til death do us part.” For most people marriage is one of the most important

events in their life and yet most of us don’t give our relationships much help. Married

people or people that would like to marry in the future should research strategies in how

to maintain a healthy long-term marriage. Because everyone’s marriage is different the

characteristics that create a happy marriage will be different, too. Also it is difficult for

a definition of what is a successful long-term marriage? Is a long-term marriage 10

years? 25 years? Is it a successful marriage if they married 25 years but then divorce?

However, there are some general advice that can apply for most marriages. This paper

will explain about common problems in most marriages, what are sources for these

problems and how to resolve these problems to have a healthy long-term marriage. This

essay will address specific sources for conflict including decision to have children and
money issues and suggest ways to improve conflict resolution, open communication

and commitment.

Most people can say “we never fight” in a marriage or relationship as a sign of

marital happiness. However, contrary to popular wisdom, fighting is not bad for

relationships, and, if properly managed, can even strengthen a relationship. Indeed,

good conflict resolution might be the number one ingredient for a long, successful

marriage. This first and second paragraphs will describe poor conflict resolution and

the third will examine strategies to improve conflict resolution in marriage. According

to John Gottman, Ph.D. author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail the “four horseman”

of a divorce are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. (Silver) Criticism

means you attack your spouse character instead of a specific thing you don’t like. For

example, Eric and Pamela are married. She think that Eric spends too much and said

things such as "You always think about yourself," she assaulted Eric, not just his actions,

and blamed him for being selfish.” (Silver) Using phrases such as “you never” and “you

always” are signal phrases for criticism. When there is too much criticism, the second

horseman comes named Contempt. You want to insult your spouse and make them feel

bad. You start to forget the spouse’s good qualities and focus on their negative points.

Many common signs are name-calling but also nonverbal such as sneering or rolling

your eyes. The final two horseman are ‘defensiveness’ and ‘stonewalling.’ After give

and receive so much criticism and contempt, each spouse feel like they are the ‘victim.’

The spouse becomes defensive, makes excuses for their behavior and denies

responsibility. Often they immediately say one complaint after their spouse complain
about them. Eventually, the couple will feel to exhausted from defensiveness and just

stop replying. This is called ‘stonewalling.’ The effect of ‘stonewalling’ can be worse

for wives because their heart rate increases much more than the husband. (Silver) A

marriage in this low point is extremely difficult to save.

How then can there be healthy conflict resolution? Couples in successful long-term

marriages often can use strategies to help them, although many are not aware, they are

using these strategies. This includes couples that always fight, often fight or never to

seldom fight. The key factor is more positivity and less negativity at a “magic ratio” of

5 positive experience: 1 negative experience. (Silver) Healthy long-term couples

regularly express affection which “acts as a buffer for negative feelings” or to use Dr.

Gottman’s phrase they do “Small Things Often.” (Lisitsa) Instead of criticism, don’t

use “you” but can change the conversation with focus of “I.” Try to see the problem

from your spouse’s perspective. “You have to hear what the other person has to say and

try to put yourself in their shoes and try to feel the way the other person is feeling,” said

Betty Mattocks who has been married for 51 years. (Mckenzie) The second horseman,

contempt, is the biggest sign of a divorce (Silver) Being a “nondefensive listener” is a

great strategy to avoid contempt. A spouse can make comments during the

communication process such as “Please let me finish,” “We’re getting off topic” or

“That hurts my feelings.” Giving any feedback including just “uh huh,” “I see” or “go

on” can help a lot. If tensions are high, calming yourself down is extremely important.

At the Gottman Institute, an experiment was conducted with couples that regularly fight.

After fifteen minutes of argument, they lied to the couple that the equipment was broken
and must to be fixed. They said they shouldn’t discuss the argument issue but just read

some magazines for a while. After half an hour, the ‘experiment’ started again and the

their heart rates were lower and they were able to discuss the issue much clearer. (Lisitsa)

In other words, chill out!

Although healthy conflict resolution is essential in a successful marriage, open

communication between spouses is equally important. Virginia Wilson was married to

her husband for 63 years. When a reporter asked her, what was the secret for her

marriage she replied “Communication. We try to communicate with each other. In our

earlier years, he was a band director -- for 40 years -- which means that he was busy,

busy, busy. And I was an elementary school teacher ... so we had to communicate often.”

(Mckenzie) But what is good communication in a marriage? Healthy communication

in a marriage is often “openness, transparency and disclosure.” (Kaslow)

Communication can be assertive and can talk about difficult issues. The important point

is to be “positive and affirming” to avoid the problems discussed before. (Kaslow)

When discussing difficult issues it is important to emphasize how to cooperate. Healthy

couples can share their desire and how to obtain as a team. So compromise and the

ability to be flexible about decisions is essential. In that way, it is important that the

“power dynamic” in a marriage is shared and each spouse feel that their voice is hear

and important. Both people need to understand that they can reach out to their spouse

if in need. Many problems come from the breakdown of good communication. Spouses

might be afraid to tell their needs or withhold criticism of action because of the way

their spouse could react. This is often expressed in nonverbal communication with
negative actions such as eye rolling, cold shoulder or making faces. However, good

communication also includes good nonverbal communication. Laughing together,

cuddling, holding hands are all ways of communication that strengthen a marriage.

Communication and conflict resolution are especially important when discussing

one of the biggest sources of conflict in a marriage. Money. In fact, according to a

Ramsey Solutions study that survey over 1,000 adults in 2017 it is number one cause

for fighting in a marriage and the second most popular reason for divorce except for

infidelity. (Ramsey) From the adults in the survey, over two thirds of marriages began

in debt. However, the study found that how the couples can solve finance problems had

a big impact on their marriage. It is also a good example how to not have the “four

horseman” problems. The larger the couples debt is they are more likely to have conflict

with $50,000 debt most likely cause for fight. But the couples who say they have a

“great” marriage are “twice as likely to talk about money daily or weekly.” (Ramsey)

Open communication about money is very important to a healthy long-term marriage.

Many types of people are “spenders of savers” (Bugler) but that is okay if they can

discuss the money problems and goals. Often a spouse may try to hide a big purchase

or a different bank account which can make conflict and lead to contempt. In the

Ramsey Solutions study, one third of couples hid a big purchase from their spouse just

because they are afraid the conflict. It is better to discuss money and a reasonable “price

point threshold” (Bulger). Someone from a rich family might not agree with a person

for a poor family what is really a major purchase. It is also very important to talk about

financial goals and have them be realistic goals and a good time table to achieve this
goal. 87% of the couples that say their marriage is “great” talk with their spouse to

make long term goals, but only 45% of the couples that say their marriage is “okay” or

“in crisis” do this. (Ramsey) A specific example can be to buy a house. This will be a

major purchase. A couple might say that they should buy one “sometime soon.” This is

too vague. Is soon 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years? This plan doesn’t have “cohesion and

urgency.” (Bulger) If you say you want to buy a house in 6 years the it will be clear

what steps you need to do to achieve your goal. Discussing how to achieve this goal

and discussing how to keep this goal can keep the marriage together longer.

Successfully managing money together is one of the most important ways a couple

can be together because it makes stronger their commitment in marriage. When Macie

Waller, married for 75 years, asked what advice she would give a young woman getting

marriage she replied, “It's important to remember the vows you said when you got

married ... and go back to them. This is the person that you said you loved. I didn't

realize that as much when I got married, but through the years that can help carry you

through." And the commitment to “the person that you said you loved” requires respect

and responsibility. You can respect your spouse by being “loyal” and commitment

requires an “expectation of responsibility” for the same treatment. Couples with

“greater personal commitment” had more love, less marital difficulties and “higher

overall feelings of marital satisfaction.” (Kaslow) That sense of love comes from being

appreciated by your spouse and feeling your needs are satisfied.

One of the biggest commitments in any marriage is the decision to have children.

Of course it is possible to have a long, healthy marriage without children research can
show having children is a positive effect on marriage. Common wisdom usually says

that having children is detrimental to marriage. More recent studies suggest that

becoming a parent can build on an already strong marriage foundation. According to

one study called “The baby and the marriage: identifying factors that buffer against

decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives,” researches identified three

strategies for strengthening marriage: “building fondness for your partner,” “Being

aware of what’s going on in your spouse’s life,” and solving problems together as a

couple. (O’Connor) Of the 82 couples used in the study, over six years, 42 couples had

children and 39 did not have children. (O’Connor) Interesting this study did not show

that childless couples were happier or that couples with children were happier but an

“overall trend as happy newlyweds are more likely to become the happily married

parents.” So overall “the arrival of a baby is intrinsically linked to the patterns that

predict divorce itself” or more simple “happy marriages make for happy parents.”

(O’Connor). This is reflected in divorce statistics since many of the parents “of those

first-seven-years breakups were due to adjustments of parenting” (Pelley) With the

arrival of children, couples need to divide their time and change their roles. For example,

Taylor and Ben believe their relationship is better since the birth of their daughter, Lilah.

“It’s really been fun for both of us and good for our marriage. Whatever our occasional

problems, she’s proof we’re doing something right together.” (Pelley)

This essay began on a sad note that half of all marriages will end in divorce. (Lake)

And yet that is a hopeful note, too. Half of all marriages do not end in divorce and many

of these couples having happy lives together. Finding your special someone is one of
life’s biggest surprises and to decide to marry or not marry is one of the biggest

decisions must face all couples. Which half will your marriage become? Good conflict

resolution, not allowing in the ‘four horseman’ but using strategies to help healthy

disagreement. Open communication between couples that allow for cooperation and

compassion and still personal development. Commitment to a marriage and to defining

role as a family. As Sammy Walker simply said after 75 years of marriage, “We don't

do a lot of arguing. We try to get along most of the time and we got along pretty good.

We do things together. We go to the movies -- we don't like the movies anymore -- but

we just got along...We just hung together. I'm still hanging!” (Mckenzie)

WORKS CITED

Bulger, Adam. “8 Financial Rules All Happily Married Couples Follow.” Fatherly.com,

25 May 2018. Web. 18 Nov. 2019.

Kaslow, Florence et al. “Long-term satisfying marriages: Perceptions of contributing

factors.” American Journal of Family Therapy. 24. 2. (1996): 153-170. EBSCOhost.

Web. 19 Oct. 2019

Lake, Rebecca. “How Long Do Average U.S. Marriages Last?” Thebalance.com.

Dotdash. 2019. Web. 1 Nov. 2019. https://www.thebalance.com/how-long-do-the-

average-u-s-marriages-last-4590261
Lisitsa, Ellie. “The Four Horseman: The Antidotes.” Gottman.com. The Gottman

Institute., 2013. Web. 2 Nov. 2019. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-

horsemen-the-antidotes/

Mckenzie, Joi-Marie. “4 couples married more than 50 years spill secret to long-lasting

love.” ABC News.com. ABC News., 2017. Web. 19 Oct. 2019

https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/couples-married-longer-50-years-spill-secret

long/story?id=45222748

O’Connor, Eileen. “Parenthood detrimental to marriage? Not necessarily…” American

Psychological Association. 2001 January. Vol. 32 p. 54

Pelley, Virginia. “What Happens to a Marriage After Having Children.” Faterly.com.

Fatherly. 22 May 2019. https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-happens-to-a-

marriage-after-having-children

Ramsey Solutions. “Money Ruining Marriages in America: A Ramsey Solutions

Study.” Lampo Licensing, 2018. Web. 19 Nov. 2019.

Silver, Nan. “What Makes Marriages Work?” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers,

LLC., 1994. Web. 31 Oct. 2019