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Section 1: Determining How Many Names You Have
Kojima often creates characters that have many alternate
names, so we must first figure out how many names you will have.
1. Roll a d6. Use this table to determine how many names you have:
2. If you rolled a 6, you must do this worksheet 6 more times. You do not
need to complete Sections 13 on subsequent name generations.
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2a. Condense the verb in your answer into a single er noun. (e.g. if you
are a sheep farmer, your answer will be “farmer”)
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3. What was your first pet’s specific species/breed? If you never had a pet,
please answer with an animal you wish you owned.
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7. How many carrots do you believe you could eat in one sitting, if someone,
like, forced you to eat as many carrots as possible?
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8. What is your greatest intangible fear? (e.g. death, loneliness, fear itself)
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10. What is the last thing you did before starting this worksheet?
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11. What condition is your body currently in? (single word answer)
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13. A word your name kind of sounds like? (e.g. Brian > Brain)
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15. If you had to define your personality in one word, what would it be?
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16. Who is your favorite film character? (NOTE: must be played by Kurt Russell)
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17. What is the last word of the title of your favorite Kubrick film?
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18. What is the first word in the title of your favorite Joy Division album?
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19. What is a scientific term you picked up from listening to NPR once?
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20. What is a piece of military hardware you think looks cool even though war
is bad?
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21. What is something you’d enjoy watching Mads Mikkelsen do?
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Section 4: Determining Your Name Conditions
Sometimes, a character will have a plotbased condition that affects their name.
You, too, might have a condition that affects your name. Conditions can stack,
so please make note of how many your name has.
1. THE MAN CONDITION: Roll a d4. Use this table to determine whether you
have this condition:
4 You have this condition. Your last name will include the suffix
man. If your name already has man at the end of it, I guess
you’re just going to have manman at the end of your name.
2. THE CONDITION CONDITION: Roll a d8. Use this table to determine your
what this condition will do to you:
6 You’re big. Your name must have “Big” at the beginning of it.
7 You are older than you once were. Your name must have “Old” at
the beginning of it.
8 You are how you currently are. Please add your answer from Section
2, Number 11 to the beginning of your name.
3. THE CLONE CONDITION: Roll a d12. Use this table to determine if you have
this condition:
12 You are a clone of someone else, or you have been brainwashed
into becoming a mental doppelganger of someone else. Find
someone who has completed this worksheet and replace 50% of
your Kojima name with 50% of their Kojima name.
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4. THE KOJIMA CONDITION: Roll a d100 (or two d10s, using one as the 1s
place and the other as the 10s place.) Use this table to determine if you
have this condition:
69 Oh no. You are Hideo Kojima. Hideo Kojima created you and is also
you. You are the man who created himself and there is nothing you
can do about it. You’re in Kojima’s world—your world—and that’s
just the breaks, pal. Stop this worksheet now. You’re Hideo Kojima.
Go do the things that Hideo Kojima does.
5. Roll a d20. Use this table to determine your name category. Once you
have figured out your name category, you can skip ahead to the section
that outlines the rules of your name:
20 You have a NAME THAT LACKS SUBTEXT (See Section 12)
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Section 6: NORMAL NAME
Kojima’s early work includes lots of characters that have names that are
widely considered to be “normal.” Was this just because, in the early years,
he didn’t have the power to say, “I’m Hideo Kojima, I can name someone
DieHardman if I want to” without people questioning him? Probably.
1. Please rewrite your answer from Section 2, Number 1 here. This is your full
Kojima name:
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3. That’s your name. Your Kojima name is probably just your actual name.
Sorry if you were expecting something wild. Skip to Section 13.
1. Please rewrite your answer from Section 2, Number 2a here. This is your last
name:
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Section 8: HORNY NAME
Kojima’s characters and stories are irrevocably
horny. Weirdly horny, sure, but horny nonetheless.
1. Please rewrite your answer from Section 2, Number 3 here. This is your last
name:
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3. If you feel like it, your middle name can be “Lickable.” I won’t stop you.
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3 Your answer is Section 2, Number 4a.
3. Add any conditions you accrued in Section 4. If you have any conditions
that go at the front of a name, they now go directly after “The.”
1. Please rewrite your answer from Section 3, Number 21a here. This is your
first name:
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Section 11: VIOLENT NAME
Sometimes, a Kojima name can be very threatening and violent, like
Sniper Wolf, or The Fury. Now you can also be threatening and violent.
1. Please rewrite your answer from Section 2, Number 5 here. This is your last
name:
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5. Please rewrite your answer from Section 2, Number 10 here. This is your full
name:
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Section 13: Explaining Your Name
Kojima’s characters know that their names are meaningful, and they will tell
you it completely unprompted. You, too, must explain your name to any
potential friends, foes, or shadowy government institutions.
1. Use the following blank to fill in your monologue. Explain your Kojima name
to the best of your ability. Feel free to draw from personal experience,
friendships you’ve had, or just say some guy on the internet made you fill
out an 11page worksheet to gain this name. Here’s a start:
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