ON THE POVERTY

OF STUDENT LIFE;
a
consideration of its financial,
alcoholical,
and educational aspects
and a few ways to
cure it

The Derby Edition

This pamphlet has been put together
in a hope that it will help YOU, a new-
comer to University get through Stu-
dent Life and emerge as a wonderful,
educated and extremely skint adult.
University is a special time in anyone’s
life, well anyone smart enough to make
it to Uni, and seeing as I recently served
my four year sentence (on a three year
course), I’ve taken time out of my busy
schedule (of ducking repaying my loans)
to put together this shitty little piece of
paper in an attempt to make life easier
for you, so be grateful you little shit, as
this will more than likely be more helpful
than anything you get at ‘Fresher’s Fair’,
such as a wooden spatular or coupons
for Pizza Hut (you’ll get them all year
round, not just now). Inside are a collec-
tion of tips to help you in anyway pos-
sible get through the arguess task ahead
of you, ranging from finacial tips, help
with drinking and maybe some study tips.
On the Poverty of Student Life page 2

Studying Tips are unsubstantiated. Yes my work is

As all students know it is vital to similar to someone else’s, but this
reference and it is difficult to walk the is purely by chance. Think of the
line between referencing and plagia- number of students in existence and
rism. So I have a few tips: the amount of work that has been
published. Surely you yourselves as
» When you take a book from the li- academics must admit that the mathe-
brary always take the oldest, most bat- matical possibility exists. If anything
tered book that you can find (on your I should be congratulated for sharing
subject matter) because it’s been in cir- the same insight on the subject matter
culation for so long that all the relative as a professional, not castrated and
parts that apply to your coursework/ labelled as some type of cheat.”
exam have already been underlined/
highlighted by previous students. » Don’t help people on your course.
Think; right now they are your friend,
» All students know; getting out of bed but once University is over they
is hard, and turning up to University is are your competition, so fuck ‘em!
even harder. So if you can’t be both- Money Tips
ered with going to the library to find the
books you need to reference, simply go » Steal! Wait a second though, I’m not
to GoogleBooks. Here you can search saying you should start mugging old
random words and Google brings up ladies in the park at night. Steal things
those books, then you simply copy that are usually free, for example a won-
what you need into your assignment. derful friend of mine used to steal rolls
of toilet paper from University. Genius!
» The Best Excuse for Plagiarism,
Ever ™; » Sleep! Students have the reputation
“If the infinite monkey theory is to be for being lazy and sleeping all the time.
believed; in which a monkey random- I’ve met energetic students that say
ly hitting a typewriter for an infinite stupid things like; “Why sleep when
amount of time will almost surely pro- there’s so much to do?” These stu-
duce a work by Shakespeare, surely it dents are idiots and will have a heart
is conceivable that I; a student, have attack at 30. Sleep is a student’s best
the ability to type something that has friend. It costs nothing, plus while you
been written before me, purely by sleep you’re not eating, which saves
chance. These claims of plagiarism on food, which in turn saves on money.

» Have you ever been bored enough
to read the packaging that your food
comes in? Probably not because you
have a life, but luckily for you; I don’t
(have a life) and I do (read the back
of food packaging). On the back of
everything from a packet of crisps to
tins of beans there is contact infor-
mation for the businesses that make
these foods. What you do is email
or write to them complaining about
their food and they’ll be nice enough
to send you some coupons. Score!
» Make a friend that works in a Su-
permarket. Supermarkets hire stu-
dents, so if you know someone work-
ing at the local Tesco on checkouts
you’re in luck. Speak to them and cut
a deal; you go to their till and they
accidently forget to scan a few items.
Drinking More, For Less
As all students know, it’s vital to keep up
with those 28 units of alcohol a day, but
it can be expensive and you also need
to concentrate on your drug addiction.
» Go to a gay bar. Don’t worry, you
don’t have to flirt (although it may
help), some time desperate homosexu-
als will approach you. They will buy
you your drinks and you’ll get pis-
sed. But don’t get too pissed, don’t
make mistakes you may regret in the
morning as you are woken by Jeff’s
warm breath on the back of your neck.
On the Poverty of Student Life page 3
» Talk offensively to women. We’ve all
tried to put the moves on a girl only to
end up with her throwing her drink in
our faces. So, what you do is say some
of the most offensive shit you can say
to a bitch so she throws her drink in
your face. As you sense the drink com-
ing, you’re first instinct is to move, but
don’t, just open your mouth as wide
as you can. This will lead to most of
her alcoholic drink landing nicely in
your cake-hole, then you simply swal-
low it and move on to the next girl.
» Drink ‘n’ dash. Firstly this can only
be done in a busy pub/bar/club. Sec-
ondly, you must be dressed ordinary
and not be standing out too much.
Thirdly, don’t do this at your local.
What you do is; push your way to the
front of the busy bar and place your
order. Make sure you order a variety
of drinks; pints, shots, bottled beer,
liquor and so on. Yes, this seems ex-
pensive, but don’t worry you’re not
paying. As the first batch of drinks
are bought to you, wait for your op-
portune moment (when the barman/
barwoman’s back is turned), then you
make off with what drinks you want. I
find that downing the shots at the bar
then making your way to the exit with
the bottled beer the best tactic. Usu-
ally you can drink a bottle of beer by
the time you get to the door. By the
time the bar staff notice you’re gone
On the Poverty of Student Life page 4

and they’ve raised the alarm, you’re Homeless Hot-Spots

on to the next place doing it again! Homeless people litter Derby’s City
Centre like, well litter. And seeing as
» Vulture the itbox. Most pubs have students need as much money as pos-
electronic trivia games; my personal sible you don’t want to be dishing out
favourite is the itbox. What you want a couple of pennies to some heroin
to do is linger around these later on in addict so here’s a list of Hot-Spots
the night. They suck drunken people where you can often find the filthy
towards them. As a drunk person plays beggars;
a game on the itbox, you sneak in to
pretend to be interested; paying them a » Outside Scream (Friar Gate)
complement on how well they’re doing » Outside Lloyds TSB/Opposite The
always goes down well. As they begin Old Bell (Sadler Gate)
to get more engrossed by the flashing » Outside Spar/Near Subway (Victo-
lights and as they try to determine which ria Street)
Spice Girl was ginger, you swoop in » Outside Jimmy’s Bar (St James
and take their drink and slowly make Street)
your get away. It could take up to 20 » Bum-muda Triangle from; McDon-
minutes before the person notices their alds (St. Peter’s Street) to Zanzibar
drink has gone, by that time you’ve (London Road) to Burger King (East
drank it and the best part is they never Street) back to McDonalds. Tramps
really paid much attention to you so can be found anywhere inside this
they have no idea what you look like. triangle.
Derby Dialect

If you’re not from ‘round ‘ere, the way

these locals speak may be extremely
confusing. So here’s some local dia-
lect;
mardy – to sulk/be upset.
jitty – an alleyway
cob – a bread roll
“Ay Up!” – a greeting
duck – expression meaning ‘dear’
This pamphlet was put together entirely
by Ben Broughton and features extracts
from previous written material including;
‘Advice for Students’ [28th April 2009]
and ‘How to Get Drunk for Free’ [6th
Feb, 2009] both featured on The Misad-
ventures of Ben Broughton.

benbroughton.blogspot.com

Don’t Recycle, Save Forever. © 2010 All Rights Reversed