The Art and Science of Relating: Build and Monitor

Empathy
with Alan Alda, Actor, Author: If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?

Empathy is a superpower for connecting and communicating with others, but it

can be surprisingly fragile. A bad mood, an aching back, or an otherwise
preoccupied mind can easily close us off even to the people we’re closest to, let
alone to colleagues or strangers on the daily commute. Noticing this, Alan Alda
wondered what exercises could help bulk up the “empathy muscle” or keep his
“empathy thermometer” hot regardless of shifting circumstances. An exercise he
invented became the focus of a psychological study showing that the habit of
deliberately noticing other people throughout the day can significantly increase
our empathy in general.

Keep your empathy thermometer hot

• Empathy tends to evaporate when we don’t practice it. Experiment with

self-directed exercises to keep your empathy tools sharp.
• As you walk down the street or talk with friends, try to figure out what other
people are feeling. Then, name the feeling.
• Try noticing the other person with intention. What does her hair look like?
What color are his eyes? What shape is her eyebrow? What color clothing
is he wearing? Is she wearing jewelry? Where did it come from? How is he
sitting? What clue am I getting from her?
• Studies show that increased social perception leads to higher levels of
empathy.

Maintain possession of your tools

• Get inside the other person’s head, but then get out again.
• Manage your empathy to avoid affective quicksand - sinking into the
other person’s feeling. Don’t allow the other’s emotion to rule your end of
the communication.

The opposite of empathy is self-centeredness. Under normal circumstances,

many of us are lost in our own thoughts, plans, and preoccupations. Deliberately
noticing the people around you—what they’re wearing, how they’re acting, the
expressions on their faces—is one way to break out of your shell and stay
attuned to others. Doing this as a regular practice can improve your ability to
connect and communicate.

One caveat: used properly as a tool for connection, empathy doesn’t mean losing
yourself. It doesn’t mean sinking into another person’s emotional state so
completely that you have no distance across which to communicate. It means
remaining aware and using that awareness to bridge gaps in understanding and
find common purpose.
Prepare
Before you watch the video

How do your mood, the way your day is going, and other external and internal
circumstances affect your ability to empathize with others. If you drive, what
conditions make you relate to other drivers with more frustration and anger?
What conditions make you a more understanding motorist?

Practice
After you watch the video

For the rest of the day, just monitor your empathy for others. After each
interaction make a mental (or actual) note of your level of understanding for and
connection with the other person. What conditions caused your EQ to go up vs.
down?
On another day, practice Alan Alda’s exercise. Try to notice and mentally label
other people’s emotional states as well as you can based on their facial
expressions and body language. At the end of the day, take note of your
interactions with others. Do they feel different as a result of the exercise?

Explain in your own words the danger, in a professional context, of empathy-as-

emotional-quicksand. Why is it important to balance empathy with emotional
autonomy?