The Trail to Oregon

By Jeff Blim and Nick Lang

Both: Good Morning! We stand before the journey that’ll lead us all to Oregon! A pioneer
adventure down the trail to Oregon!

Hey Pioneers! Today, its July 26, 1848 and you’ll be following a Missouri family on their
educational trip out west. Prepare for the musical, pioneer adventure of epic proportions in The
Trail to Oregon by Jeff Blim and Nick Lang.

Both: You’re in Independence!

Man 1: Welcome to the city so pleasing that everyone’s leaving so just go west!

Man 2: Watch you’re backs the city is bustling with all kinds of hustling and grit go west!

Both: IN INDEPENDENCE! here are just a few things you should know…

Man 2: stay on the trail or you might get lost don’t pay the toll not worth the cost marry rich so
you don’t die poor a banker's best but you might die bored…

Both: an independent

Father: TAKE A GANDER KIDS! Independence, Missouri you know hundreds of family’s pass
through this town each year all headed down the trail just like us! Ding ding

General Store: Hi, welcome to the General Store, I can fix you up with whatever you need.
Food, clothes, we even got a sale on wagon tongues whatever the hell those are.

Father: Actually sir, we’re doing this trip on a budget, so we’re just looking for the bare
essentials. Boxes and boxes of bullets. And you know, maybe a wagon.

General Store: You know what? I like you so here’s what I’m going to do: I’m gonna give you
one wagon for the price of two, not a penny less, and for an extra fifty bucks, I’m going to throw
in an ox, for free!

Father: A free ox? Oh boy!

General Store Owner: YEP, WE’RE ALL FRIENDS! There’s no war a brewin’ no one’s abusing
their rights to own a…

Ox: OX LIKE ME.

General Store Owner: you’ll need a full yoke.

Ox: their love and care is no joke.

General Store Owner: it's a job on your love…

Ox: INDEPENDENT!

General Store Owner:I pride myself on being a very good ox owner, our love is perfectly….
normal.

Ox: MOOOO

Both: Here are just a few rules to live by FOR YOUR INDEPENDENCE!

Man 2: don’t say sorry to your Indian guide he’s not prepared genocide, you might die of
cholera and you might die in pain but it’s all okay cause you’ll probably get laid by your mom
and dad and your little kids too cause you all have to share the same bed room, use your kids
as tornaquits they won’t help when you’re bit

Both: by a bear or a snake mother nature’s really great! stayin’ alive can be lots of fun! be sure
you have a loaded gun! something will go wrong! The list is far too long! For your I-N-D-E-
PENDENCE! time to hit the road!

McDoon: (clapping) my my my… what a pretty little number and I guess the song was alright
too (icky laughter) The name’s McDoon and I make the ladies McSwoon. So you’re headed
down the trail huh? You gotta be careful, a good looking girl like yourself, a lot of disreputable
characters out there, like that mysterious outlaw “The Bandit King”. His only companion is the
infamous Cletus Jones.

Cletus: THATS MY NAME

McDoon: SHHUUUSHHH

Cletus: MCDOON DON'T YOU SHUSH ME! Not after I got you all your supplies, firearms,
bandit masks-

McDoon: SHUSH SHUT YOUR MOUTH CLETUS SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Mother: What in the HELL is going on here?

McDoon: Hello ma’am, you ain’t got nothing to worry about, I was just making sexual advances
on your daughter here. It was all perfectly consensual, she gives me butterflies in my penis area
if you know what i mean.
Cletus: and my name is Cletus Jones and I’ve killed three people-

McDoon: SHUT UP CLETUS

Mother: Look I don’t care who you are but my daughter will not be seeing the likes of you.

McDoon: LOOK LOOK LOOK my intentions were pure

Cletus: yeah he just wants a-

McDoon: CLETUS I know that you know that they don’t know that HELP A GUY OUT! Now
now I might be able to help you along your way, for a nominal fee of course.

Mother: what do you want?

McDoon: I WANNA MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER MY BRIDE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!

Mother: SHE IS A CHILD!

McDoon: MY CHILD BRIDE OKAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

Mother: sir let me make myself perfectly clear. Now you see that girl right there?

McDoon: oh yeah.

Mother: I will smother her in her sleep before I let her ruin herself with someTHING like you.

McDoon: (laughs) well I tried to be friendly like, BUT NOW IT'S WAR BETWEEN US, YOU
BEST KEEP ONE EYE OPEN BECAUSE YOU JUST MADE AN ENEMY OF “The Bandit King”
COME ON CLETUS SADDLE UP!

[ Transition - horses ]

Father: toot toot gang! The family fun train is pulling into the station! Say hello to your new
wagon! The wago 9000.

Mother: wago 9000? It’s a hunk of junk!

Father: what are you crazy? “If your headed down the trail this is the wagon for you” that’s what
the general store guy said!

Mother: Okay well uh frankly dear, I’m a little bit worried here...uh...because you see these
wheels… they’re not circles.
Father: that’s right honey! They’re octagons! That means eight sides for eight sides traction! It’s
like what everyone in town keeps saying, “once you set off that trail to Oregon it’s all downhill
from here”... let’s hope they did not mean that literally because these octagon wheels do not roll
themselves!

[Transition - The Grind]

Both: It's the grind take it one day at a time and we’ll find our way back home!

Mother: …………….AHHHHHHHHHHH

Father: OH AH A SNAKE HONEY YOU'VE BEEN BITTEN BY A SNAKE!

Mother: I KNOW THAT GET IT OFF OF MEEEE! OH GOD IT HURTS I CAN FEEL THE
SNAKE VENOM COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS, YOU GOTTA SUCK IT OUT! SUCK OUT
THE POISON!

Father: (sucks out poison)

Mother: OH GOD I'M GOING BLIND! Oh Jesus, I’m coming home!... Oh my god!... You did it! I
can see! For once in your life you did something without goofing it up!

Father: (gulps) mmm thanks!

Mother: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SWALLOW IT!

Father: what are you talking about honey? I feel fine! In fact. I never felt more alive! OH MY
GOD I HAVE WINGS! OHH HO HO HOOOO OH HONEY I CAN FLY!

God: FATHERRRRR! ONE OF YOU WILL DIE!

Father: oh which one, if it’s my wife she might be faking, she does that sometimes.

God: IT HAS BEEN CHOSEN!

Father: by who?

God: THE WATCHERS!

Father: who are the watchers?

God: they’re just the ones who watch.

Father: show them to me! EWWW EEEEHHHHHH WHAT ARE YOU?? THE WATCHERS
WITH A THOUSAND EYES! Tell me, how will we die? Dysentery?
God: Wow, first try! You guys are good! That’s right, Dysentery!

[Transition - Dysentery World]

Father: Oooooooooh it's a Dysentery World for all you boys and girls, Oregon is for the damned
(you’ll die dysentery dysentery) eeeeeeh how’d it come to this why do we exist? Your God is a
fecal scam!

Both: You’ll die Dysentery, Dysentery virus

Father: AHHHHHH….. Come here! Don’t you ever die! Don’t you ever die! The Watchers.
They’re gonna kill us, they’re gonna kill all of us!!

Mother: Did you just fake your own death??? What the hell is wrong with you? We’ve got a lot
of ground to cover because of you!

Father: Alright, let’s fly to Oregon.

Mother: My stupid family. You know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Luckily, I can
beat ‘em.

McDoon: WOW, those are some great parenting techniques, look at that Cletus, having a good
ol fashion family road trip! It looks so… god it looks like so much fun.

Cletus: well what’s the matter McDoon? I haven’t seen you this bent up in weeks.

McDoon: you know, we’re robbin’ wagons and killin’ families, you ever feel envious? Sure I’m
known far and wide as “the bandit king” but… I got no one to love…

Cletus: we make love on occasion.

McDoon: yeah but we’re just messin’ around right? No strings attached? I just need a wife of
my own, which is why I am givin’ up my bandit ways, I ain’t stealin’ nothin’ from that family down
there….. except that sweet little daughter of theirs.

Cletus: women are things too.

McDoon: Cletus Jones! The way you speak of women is reprehensible!

Cletus: (wagon is on fire) When it go and gets rough and you’re smokin’ a cigarette, not for the
taste of it.
McDoon: The madness it grows like a flame through the soul and it's time for some payback.

Cletus: Conditions are right

Mcdoon: The kindle is dry it's a labor of chemistry.

Cletus: just a tiny spark sends the light through the dark

McDoon: And the Devil’s unleashed, Hell is your destiny! YOUR WAGON IS ON
FIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEE THE JOURNEY IS A SHAM! And all that you desire, you’re back
where you begaaaaaannnnn.

Father: Well, we lost about 500 pounds of food, 30 boxes of bullets, and the wagon’s gone to
bits, but these kinds of things just happen sometimes. Sometimes your wagon burns down, it’s
an act of (points up) “the bandit king” but you see that golden globe over yonder? Where the sky
is the bluest blue you’ve ever seen? That, honey, is Oregon.”

Mother: Oregon...we made it…

Both: WE MADE IT! WE ARE GONE TO OREGON IT'S THE GREATEST FAMILY VACATION!
ITS GONNA BRING US TOGETHER COULDN'T THINK OF NOTHING BETTER HEY! TIME
FOR SOME FAMILY FUN! ON THE TRAIL TO OREGON.