Politics is unpredictable.

Like, did you ever notice that the

mayor in Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2? How’d that happen?

1977 Amity Mayoral Debate

Mary the Moderator

Mayor Vaughn
Carla
Ernie
Abby
Kintner
Grace
BRODY

AUDIENCE watches the debate, MAYOR, CARLA and ERNIE standing at

“podiums” with Moderator seated to the side, to start.

MODERATOR
Well the 1977 summer season is over and
it’s time to talk politics! Welcome
and a big thanks to everyone for coming
to our Amity Mayoral Debate. Here
today are the remaining candidates for
the November election. First up is our
current mayor, Mayor Larry Vaughn.

MAYOR
Amity, as you know, means friendship!

MODERATOR
His opponent, Carla Gottlieb.

WATTS
It’s time for new leadership! And I’m
that ship!

MODERATOR
And for the Progressive party, Ernie
Anders.

ANDERS
(New York Accent)
I know, I know, I’m not from around
here. I didn’t go to Haahvard. I don’t
have a caahr in the yaahrd. Get over
it.

1
 MODERATOR
Okay, let’s open up the floor to
questions from the townsfolk. Yes,
Abby…?

ABBY
Hi, Mary! Long-time supporter, first
time questioner. So, anyway, about the
shark…

MAYOR
Not the shark again.

ABBY
What?

MODERATOR
Larry, it’s a valid topic, let her
finish.

MAYOR
Fine, fine. What about “the shark”?

ABBY
Is it safe to go in the water? I like
the water. But not enough to get eaten
in it!

GRACE
Yeah, she’s very easily scared. She
still hasn’t showered after seeing
“Psycho.”

ABBY
Ok, Grace.

GRACE
Or been to the kennel since she saw
“Cujo.”

ABBY
Grace!

GRACE
You work at the kennel. You’re going
to lose your job!

2
 MAYOR
What was the question again?

MODERATOR
Is it safe to go in the water?

MAYOR
It’s been a year, people. We’re just
coming off a normal summer season.
Yes, revenue was off this year because
some people keep bringing up the shark
incident. Talking about it only scares
people away.

CARLA
Maybe they’re right to be scared!

MAYOR
Look, I’ve talked to a lot of experts
on this matter and they keep telling me
last summer was a freak event. Once in
a lifetime. I just got off the phone
with Dr. Matt Hooper—
(to Carla)
-who *is* taking my calls, by the way-
He said it was not a repeatable event.
We can’t keep living in the past,
people.

MODERATOR
Carla, what do you think?

CARLA
Well, to be fair, it was kind of a
fluke.

ABBY
It was a shark!

CARLA
Not that kind of fluke. But you know
what they say, “Fool me once, blame the
shark, fool me again, that’s on me.” I
think we could be building a wall! All
around the island! Keep those sharks
out!

3
 MODERATOR
And the ferry?

CARLA
We’ll build a drawbridge. Don’t act
like I haven’t thought this out, Mary.
Or brought it up before.

ERNIE
See, this is the problem; all my
opponents here are all typical
politicians with typical solutions. He
says everything is fine. She says
build a wall, I say, Build a Dome!
That way we keep out both sharks and
space aliens!

MODERATOR
You, Mr. Kintner, in the back.

HENRY
Thanks, Mary. Now, about the shark—

MAYOR
Oh dear Lord-!

MODERATOR
Larry!

MAYOR
Go on, go on.

KINTNER
As you all know, the shark ate my kid-

MAYOR
--And we all felt bad about that--

KINTNER
I remember. Oh, and thanks again for
the fruit basket.

ERNIE
Paid for with tax dollars! So, it came
from all of us!

4
 KINTNER
Look, I make my money selling ice cream
to the tourists, so I get the whole
“keep the shark thing a secret.” I do.
But what are we doing to prevent
something like that from happening
again?

ABBY
Yeah, because, if it happens again, I
don’t know if I can keep it a secret.

GRACE
Yeah, she’s really bad at keeping
secrets.

ABBY
Let it go, Grace.

MAYOR
Look, we hired that kid to sit in the
watch tower. Got him a pair of
binoculars. The good kind. We got a
new flag to post shark warnings like we
do for rough seas, lightening and
jellyfish. I think we got a handle on
it. What do you think, Sherriff Brody?

BRODY steps out, a little drunk.

BRODY
You’d better get a handle on it because
I don't intend to go through that hell
again!

He exits.

CARLA
I’d like to give a big shout-out to our
first responders! Thank you for your
service!

ERNIE
Me, too. Me, too. And our second and
third responders, as well. Nobody ever
thanks them!

5
 MAYOR
Does that answer your question, Mr.
Kintner?

KINTNER
Not really.

ERNIE
You know what? I’m sick of the shark.
All I hear about is shark, shark,
shark. Look, I only moved here last
year, so I missed all the shark stuff.
I want to get to the real issues. Do
you know that Amity is now running a
deficit? How did that happen, Mr.
fiscally-conservative Mayor? Perhaps
our mayor can stand before these good
people and explain why our fair town of
Amity is so deep in the red!

MAYOR
The shark.

ERNIE
Of course.

MAYOR
To be honest, that $3,000 bounty on the
shark really blew a hole in our budget.
I thought we’d found a loophole when
Quint got eaten, but it turns out it
had a son who was willing to sue us for
the money. And more. Oh, which
reminds me, the big bake sale to help
reduce the budget deficit is being held
next week, down by the gazebo.

CARLA
Any pies?

MAYOR
I believe so.

ERNIE
Cake sale? Why do you hate diabetics?

6
 MAYOR
What?

MODERATOR
All right, I’m being reminded that we
have to wrap this up as they need to
prepare the hall for the Spielberg bar
mitzvah tonight. We’d like to give each
candidate a final moment. Mr. Anders?

ERNIE
Thanks, Mary. Look, it’s a nice town.
Quiet. Pretty. You could think about
getting some better sunscreen, but
pretty good overall. And that’s what
I’ll do, work unceasingly on the
sunscreen problem!

CARLA
I’ve grown up here. I knew Amity in
the pre-shark days. I want to make
Amity Great White-less again! A vote
for me is a vote against sharks!

MAYOR
Do you people have any idea what we’re
dealing with these days? It’s all
psychological. You yell, “Barracuda,”
everybody says, “huh, what?” You yell
“Shark,” we’ve got a panic on our hands
on the Fourth of July! I’m here to
make sure we don’t have that panic. It
could be worse, you know! You could be
living in AmityVILLE! You heard about
what’s going on there, right? Bleeding
walls. Demonic possession. Flies like
you wouldn’t believe! I bet sharks are
looking pretty good about now!
Look, I got the new trashcans for the
boardwalk. I got them to paint the
fire plugs. We can just keep working
together. I will not have my
administration defined by a shark!

He storms off to applause.

7
 CARLA
So, Ernie, what do you think?

ERNIE
We’re gonna need a bigger vote.

The end