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Disney’s Scary Thingies

VAMPIRE DAD
VAMPIRE MOM
KID 1
KID 2
WOLFMAN
RENFIELD

DAD comes home, entering with a flourish of his cape. Kids are
in front of the TV. Mom enters from the side wiping her hands
on a dish towel.

DAD
Honey, I’m home!

KIDS
Hi, Dad!

MOM
Oh, good, you’re home! I was getting
worried. It’s almost dawn!

DAD
There was a bottle neck on the way
home.

MOM
Traffic?

DAD
No, no, this guy had an actual bottle
neck. Took forever to bite into a
decent vein. So, what’s for dinner?

MOM
Blood sausage.

DAD
Excellent! Aren’t the kids going to
eat with us?

MOM
They were getting fussy, so I fed them
some blood pudding a little earlier.
Now they’re watching their favorite
kids’ show.

1
DAD
What show are you watching?

KID 1
Disney’s Vampirina!

KID 2
It’s about this girl vampire who moves
to Pennsylvania!

DAD
Wow, kids’ programing has come a long
way since I was a kid!
(walks over to watch)
Wait a second, is she singing?

KID 1
Yes. Often she and her friends break
into song and do a musical number.

DAD
Friends? Are those her friends? Those
human children??

KID 2
Yup.

MOM
Come eat, dear.

DAD
Are they learning LIFE LESSONS?

KID 2
Yup.

DAD
And why did they have to move to
Pennsylvania?? Did the dad get a job
transfer? Is this some kind of wacky
mix-up with Transylvania? Ridiculous!
Where’s the bloodletting? Where’s the
raw terror?

KID 1
One episode she lost her doll. That
was scary.

2
DAD
What???

MOM
It’s not that kind of show, dear.

DAD
What is this crap? First it was Hotel
Transylvania! Then that Super Monsters
on Netflix! Never mind Horror High!

MOM
The kids love them!

DAD
Love them? How are they going to learn
to be scary after watching this crap?

MOM
It’s just some mindless entertainment.

DAD
Entertainment? Vampires are being held
up to ridicule! We are horrible
creatures of the night! We shouldn’t
be seen as some Disneyland walk-around
meet & greet character!

Doorbell. WOLFMAN enters.

WOLFMAN
Hey, Vlad.

DAD
Hello, Wolfman. What brings you here?

WOLFMAN
The war between vampires and lycans
goes on and I must avenge my family!

They laugh.

3
WOLFMAN
Nah, I’m just returning your mower. I
put it in back, by the blood bath.
(to audience)
It’s like a bird bath, but for blood.
(back)
What’s going on?

DAD
Look at this show! It’s teaching my
kids all the right values.

WOLFMAN
Bummer.

MOM
You need to lighten up, Vlad.

DAD
I am light. I’m the lightest Prince of
Darkness around. But, monsters mean
horror! We should strike fear into
people’s hearts! Not make them
cheerful! Not make them laugh!

MOM
What about “Ghostbusters?”

DAD
That’s different. It’s funny. And
scary, too. The laughs work off the
fear!

WOLFMAN
A fine motion picture.

DAD
I can deal with that, “Shaun of the
Dead,” “Abbott & Costello Meet
Frankenstein”—

WOLFMAN
A classic.

4
DAD
Those are horror comedies! But this,
it’s propaganda! This is worse than
those stupid Twilight movies.

WOLFMAN
I remember those.

DAD
Vampires out in the daytime? If the
sun strikes them they sparkle like a
disco ball? What was that about?

WOLFMAN
That was barkin’ nuts.

MOM
I liked those movies.

DAD
Yeah, yeah, we’ve been over this.

MOM
Not as good as the books…

DAD
Not my point. This stuff is corrupting
the minds of our young undead. How are
our kids going to grow up knowing how
to suck the lifeblood from humans if
they’re portrayed as best friends!
Vampires do not have human friends!

RENFIELD enters.

RENFIELD
Hurry master, the sun is coming up.
You must return to your coffin, master!

MOM
(to Dad)
You were saying?

DAD
Renfield is not my friend, he’s my
obedient servant.

5
RENFIELD
(hurt)
I’m not your friend?

DAD
I didn’t mean it like that.

RENFIELD
Have I not served you well master?

DAD
You’ve done fine, Renfield. You’ve
earned every spider I’ve given you.
But, it’s that you’re…and I’m…

RENFIELD
Yes?

DAD
You’re just not—

MOM
Vlad---!

DAD
Yes, you’re my friend, Renfield. From
the moment we met in my castle and I
sucked your blood, and put you under my
power, I knew you were a special guy.

RENFIELD
Oh, master!

Renfield hugs Dad, who looks embarrassed, but then gives in and
hugs him back. Then Mom and Wolfman join in.

DAD
I guess I learned a life lesson, huh?

KID 2
Hey, could your keep it down, Mickey’s
Halloween Special is on!

Black out.

The end

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