The 5 Levels of Rapport

5 Levels of Rapport 2
This photo shows Michael getting into rapport with a group

of insurance professionals at the national conference of
the National Association of Health Underwriters.
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© Copyright 2002 by Michael Lovas and Pamela Holloway
Michael Lovas www.aboutpeople.com

Table of Contents
The 5 Levels of Rapport ...............................................................................................4
Percentages...........................................................................................................5
The Meaning of Rapport......................................................................................6
Inside Rapport......................................................................................................7
Level 1. Establish Safety ..........................................................................................9
Your “Old Brain” ...............................................................................................10
Level 2. Mirror the Face ........................................................................................10
How not to do it ................................................................................................11
Nurturer.............................................................................................................12
Thinker ..............................................................................................................12
Commander .......................................................................................................12
Expressive...........................................................................................................13
The flip side .......................................................................................................13
Level 3. Mirror Body Attitudes..............................................................................14
Angles.................................................................................................................14
Repetitive Movements........................................................................................15
Cross Matching ..................................................................................................15
Level 4. Mirror Verbally ........................................................................................15
Here’s an exercise for you ...................................................................................16
Level 5. Listen for Words ......................................................................................16
Questions: ..........................................................................................................17
Turn listening into an activity ............................................................................17
Criteria...............................................................................................................17
Bonus! ................................................................................................................19
How to build rapport with your audience .................................................................21
9 Ways to Build Rapport with an Audience............................................................22
What does rapport look like? ..............................................................................25
Rapport and Sales...................................................................................................26
How do people learn?.........................................................................................27
In Conclusion ....................................................................................................30
About the author ........................................................................................................32
Endorsements.............................................................................................................34

The 5 Levels of Rapport
In your business, when you experience a problem

with a client, it’s typically not because you misread
the problem or situation; rather, it’s because you
misread the client and failed to connect with him or
her. Simple solution – learn how to read the person
in front of you, then use that to connect at a much
more meaningful level. That process is called
“rapport,” and as you’ll see, there are at least five
levels of activity to capture it.
You communicate with other people whether you

like it or not, whether you intend to or not. Even if
you put your hands in your pockets and hold your breath, you’d still be
communicating. Like it or not, you communicate something about yourself every
second of the day. So, if you are not purposefully communicating and building
rapport, you are inadvertently destroying rapport and driving people away.
To make this learning experience worthwhile, use the space below to write a brief
description of the rapport-building process as you understand it:
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
In our workshop, advisors learn the right system to purposefully and deliberately
establish rapport with someone. Rapport skills are taught in all business sectors – but
far too often, the wrong techniques are taught. It boggles the mind. Throughout your
career, you will face many people. How you relate to them will determine the quality

(or existence) of your rapport. This section teaches you some of the essential points of
a truly effective Rapport-building System. Throughout your life, as you face a person
or a group, your first job is to read the person and then use what you learned to build
rapport. Ultimately, you want the person to trust you, but that won’t happen until the
rapport is set. This is how to do it.
Percentages
The words we use form only a small part of our expressiveness. Research shows that in
a presentation before a group of people, 55 percent of the impact is determined by
your body language – posture, gestures and eye contact – 38% by your tone of voice,
and only 7 percent by the content of your presentation. (Mehrabain and Ferris, Journal
of Counseling Psychology, 1967)
In my experience training advisors to connect with audiences and clients, one of the
most common mistakes is unconscious and ill-advised body language. For example, if
you say you’re confident, but you stand with your legs crossed, you’re telling us that
you’re not really confident. And, perhaps you’re the only one who doesn’t know it.
The chart on this page illustrates those percentages.
Body Language
55%
Words 7%
Voice Tonality
38%
This chart shows what you should focus on in your presentation.

The Meaning of Rapport

Rapport is a subconscious coming together. It manifests in all participants wanting to
align with each other, to think and act the same. Rapport presupposes “yes.” While
it’s mainly subconscious in the other person, you can invite it and build it consciously
and deliberately.
Rapport is serious psychology. It is the result of purposeful and deliberate actions on

your part to get inside the experience of the other person. If you were to approach
rapport in the same way I do as a Clinical Hypnotherapist, you would focus on a
myriad of things simultaneously.
First would be the breathing rate. For the average business person, that probably
sounds insane. But, stay with me, because it’s fascinating. How rapidly or slowly a
person is breathing tells you how excited or anxious she is. If the breathing is rapid,
that person is not relaxed, and her mind is surely racing. In other words, rapport is all
but impossible.
You want people to be relaxed. So, the first thing you would do is begin to breathe
long, deep inhalations. You might put a fish tank in your office. Then, when a
prospect is anxious, you might point to the fish and ask, “If you were a fish, how long
could you . . . hold your breath?” Then, take a deep breath and hold it. The other
person will follow you. Then, you would both be breathing at the same time, and at a
closer rate. You would have taken a giant step into rapport.
How do you know when you someone is in rapport with you? When your
breathing is similar; when your body moves in the same way as the other person’s;
and, when your words match those of the other person.
How do you know when you are in rapport with an audience? When they
unconsciously respond to you in unison. How do you build that “response potential?”
Read on.
The words we say can help to build rapport, but not much. Words are only 7 percent
of the communication. Body language, facial expressions and vocal tonality are much
more important. In fact, the structure of your language is more important than its
content. People who are in rapport tend to mirror and match each other in posture,
gesture and eye contact. It’s like a dance, and they do it unconsciously. Knowing the
steps of the dance makes you better prepared to lead and succeed. Think of it as
purposefully inviting other people to like you by making yourself likable to them – one
person at a time.

Smart people create rapport, and rapport opens the door for trust. In this book, we’re
going to dive deep into the process of building rapport. We’re going to look at what
we believe are the five most practical levels of rapport:
Rapport
Safety Facial Body Verbal Words

1 2 3 4 5
Inside Rapport
When you were conceived, your mother “jump started” your heart. From that instant
on, you were in rapport with her. From that instant on, you have been going into and
out of rapport with different people and things. I say “things” because you have
actually been in rapport with tangible objects, and some intangible ones, too.
When you were a toddler, you freely danced to music. You were getting into rapport
with the beat. Did it remind you of your mother’s heartbeat? Could be. When you
were a teenager bopping to the hip sounds of your generation, you were again getting
into rapport with the beat. Again, was it your mother’s heartbeat? Could be.
I’ve been a drummer for many years. I’ve seen a hectic mob turn into a unified
instrument by inspiring them to clap their hands. The most thrilling experience for me
was seeing about 12,000 hung-over people go from semi-consciousness, lying in 105-
degree heat, and start jumping up and down, clapping to my band’s music. It was one
of the Willie Nelson 4th of July Picnics, and I’ll never forget it. Come to think of it, we
never did get paid for that concert!
Remember a time when you were driving your car on a trip. The windshield wipers
were slapping back and forth, and you were undoubtedly breathing in time with them.
You were in rapport with those wipers. Good chance the wipers were moving at about
sixty beats per minute. That’s the approximate heart beat, and it’s the basic beat of
most popular music. Music producers have long recognized the value of playing a song
at the same tempo as the listener’s heartbeat.

Most humans are compelled to go into rapport. One day not long ago, I was
watching TV when I shocked myself. I realized I was getting into rapport with people
on TV! There I was like an idiot marching their facial expressions and nodding my
head along with theirs. When I think of it now, I laugh. Most humans are compelled
to go into rapport. I say “most,” because small percentage of the population is devoid
of the rapport gene.
Knowing that most people you’ll ever meet want to get into rapport should be good
news. If you know the ways to facilitate that on purpose, you will help people git into
rapport with you. Simply knowing that they unconsciously want to do it will give you
a lot of confidence even before you begin.
To help someone get into rapport with you, just go into rapport with him first. Do
what he does (without mimicking). Ask open-ended questions to learn what he values
and how he structures his communication. Then, do that back to him. When you
devote just a few minutes to building rapport with someone, you’ll realize a magnetic
momentum. You actually build a “yes frame” momentum that causes the other person
to become more and more reluctant to say anything other than “yes.”
Quick Case Study. We recently began to work with a financial professional who is
highly analytical. I suspect he is actually brilliant. However, he is in sales and must
make sales to corporate executives – Driver personality types. He needs to
communicate in their style and use their language. But he doesn’t do that, and, the
difference creates recurring situations in which our client disrupts the “flow” and
interrupts the development of rapport. His communication style, level of specificity
and speed of language is so different from theirs that they get frustrated and annoyed
with him.
Our approach went from giving him the information, to giving him opportunities to
practice, then correcting his practice, and finally hypnosis. The results have been very
rewarding.

Level 1. Establish Safety

When I was a direct mail copywriter for JCPenney Financial
Services in 1985, I wrote marketing material for the company’s
insurance centers. Remember that counter next to the watch
repair shop? JCP marketed a lot of insurance to seniors there.
But they discovered a serious problem.
Seniors would walk down that aisle on their way out of the store.
They’d see the insurance center and say, “Wow, we got new
kitchen appliances; we got new bath accessories; we got those
hard-to-find items. What didn’t we get that we really need? I
know – insurance! Honey, what do you say? Let’s splurge and get some accident-only
doctor coverage?”
When the seniors would stop at the counter, other passers-by would continue walking
behind them. The seniors would get nervous and cut short their conversation with the
agent. They simply didn’t feel safe. JCP recognized this and added interview rooms
behind the counter. The seniors could, then, feel safe there. Consequently, they
bought more insurance.
When you’re communicating with someone who does not feel safe, your face time will
be cut short. Dr. Abraham Mazlow said that the first thing people need is physical
safety. When your prospects or your audience feel unsafe, they take a hike. So, make
sure your seminar room is located in a safe area. Make sure it’s in a safe restaurant if
you’re using that kind of facility. Make sure you respect each person’s physical space.
Stand back from them, but lean forward if you need to be heard. Allow them to move
toward you. That gives you permission to move toward them.
Safety is also a serious element in what you can talk about. Ever been in a business
meeting and hear someone mention smoking pot? Ever been on a date when the other
person asked if you had accepted Jesus as your lord and savior? Questions that “blind-
side” you are unsafe. Obviously, questions you ask that are outside of the comfort zone
of the other person will probably kill your rapport.
One of the mental filters we work with measures the other person’s need for structure.
Traditional thinkers, evangelical Christians, Orthodox Jews, Republicans,
Constitutionalists, U.S Marines, right-to-lifers – they tend to organize their minds in a
highly structured way. If you like structure, you risk pushing others out of their
comfort or safety zone when you talk in structure language. Most of the people in the
United States perceives life as gradients of gray – not black and white. I’m not
criticizing them, I’m merely pointing out that in order to get into rapport with people

who organize in a way that is different from yours, you will have to stretch into their
way of organizing. Otherwise, they begin to feel unsafe and rapport becomes all but
impossible.
Your “Old Brain”

Your decisions are controlled by what we call the “Old brain. This part of your brain is
the primary decision maker on topics – all topics. That means from the basic, “Should
I wear warm clothes?” To the more sophisticated, “Should I invest in an equity
product or a guaranteed product?” The first thing you need to know about the old
brain is that it always makes an emotionally-based decision.
As you tour the inside of your mind, you encounter the things that are important to
you. Your esteem, belongingness, beliefs and identity are not what most people
normally think of as safety issues. However, when your beliefs or identity are
challenged, you probably respond defensively or emotionally. The point is, safety
covers a lot more ground that’s merely food and shelter or someone encroaching on
property.
In situations where building rapport is important to you, make certain not to encroach
on things the other person values. The quickness of the response may surprise you.
You may also as you feel yourself rejected. All because you stepped over the line of
safety.
Level 2. Mirror the Face

People make faces when they speak. Judy might smile in her eyes when she speaks
lovingly of her grandchildren, or knit her eyebrows together when she analyzes your
feedback comments. She probably raises her eyebrows when she gets excited.
Knowing that people express their mental gymnastics on their faces, you gain an
advantage.
By mirroring Judy’s facial expressions, you indicate subconsciously to her that you're
receiving her expressions in the same way she's transmitting them. That creates an
alignment, and the alignment takes you a giant step toward establishing rapport.
Mirroring facial movement is very powerful, and best of all - it’s also invisible. If I
mimic your movements, you can see what I’m doing very quickly. Wham, that ruins
the rapport. But, because we are simply not aware of the faces we make, we’re not

aware when someone matches our facial expressions. That’s a seriously powerful tool
you can use to improve the chances of your being likable and building rapport.
How not to do it
Go to a hospital and put a big dumb smile on your face. See how uncomfortable you
become. That shows you that it’s not fun to mismatch another person’s face. Next, go
to child’s birthday party and frown. Same thing. The point is, when the
communication is important to you, meet the other person where he is. That requires
you to match his facial expressions as they happen.
NOTE: The entire area of faces is covered in depth in our book Face Values. For more
information on Face Values, visit www.aboutpeople.com
When you mirror someone’s face, you actually enter that person’s psychology. You
access the corresponding part of your own personality and bring it to the front.
Simply, since there are only four basic personality types, you have only four basic faces
to make.

Nurturer
The face on the right shows you what a typical

nurturing, amiable, friendly person’s face looks like.
See the quality of the smiling eyes and the angle of the
head. That’s what you mirror to connect with
someone who is in that state of mind.
Thinker
See the vertical line being created between this man's
eyes? They are formed when people spend a lot of time
thinking actively. That thinking activity uses facial
muscles that make the skin on the forehead wrinkle right
between the eyes. Want to build rapport with a
thinking, analytical person? Mirror his or her thinking
lines.
Commander
This next photo shows the Commander – otherwise
known as the classic Decision-maker or Driver. See
the conservative style of his suit. That’s another
thing you can mirror to build rapport. Now look at
his face. Notice there are no lines on his forehead.
When a person with gray hair has few or no lines on
his face, you can safely "guess" that he is a Decision-
maker.
Notice the expression; he doesn’t show what he’s thinking or feeling. Actually, he's
probably taking in information and grading it. To build rapport with that man, you
would simply match that intense expression. Perhaps the hardest part of that will be in
just holding such an intense expression,

Expressive
These photos are an excellent tour of what you're likely to see from in the face of a
Creator or Expressive. Notice the horizontal lines across his forehead. I call those the
"Roy Rogers" lines. One of the significant facts about those horizontal lines is that
people who are predominantly Commanders, Thinkers and Nurtures can't make a face
that produces them. Just ask them about the most exciting thing in their lives – you
won't see those horizontal lines light up. So, how can you mirror that face to build
rapport? Just open your eyes real wide, as though you’re saying, “Wow!”
The flip side

If you don’t match the other person’s face, it shows that you are thinking of something
totally foreign to what that person is thinking. It shows that you have no idea of what
he or she is feeling. It shows that you are completely disconnected and severed from
him or her. So, with that kind of a chasm between you, how could you possibly build
rapport?

Level 3. Mirror Body

Attitudes
Context. As we move into this aspect of mirroring we
need to introduce the concept of “context.” A context is a
specific situation. For example: Driving in traffic is a context.
Reading this workbook is a context. Talking to a client on the
phone is a different context. Listening is a context. Explaining something is a different
context. I tell you this now because the context determines the physical behavior that a
person displays. Keep that in mind as we move into this next lesson.
Since fifty-five percent of our communication is body language and facial expression,
it's a good idea to adjust your own body and facial expressions to mirror those of the
other person.
The process of mirroring requires that you closely observe physical movements, angles,
gestures and facial expressions. Aligning with them will create even deeper rapport,
and the other person will unconsciously see you as a kindred soul who understands.
Here are two major mirroring techniques:
Angles
When you're conversing with Judy, the angle of her torso and head can tell you
whether her natural inclination is to think or do. People who lean forward (in a given
context) tend to use action verbs and want to take action (in that context). We refer to
that as being proactive (in that context). For example, someone who initiates action in
the context of a conversation about financial security might say, "I go after and get the
best advice. If I get it from my advisor, that's great. If not, I look for another advisor."
On the other hand, those who lean back while conversing tend to think before acting,
and may never get around to taking action. To them, at that time, they are taking
action by gathering information. You’ll recognize them because they use lots of passive
verbs. They're reactive (in that context). Remember, listening is a different context
from talking. An example of reactive language is, "I would have thought he would
have presented more research to me.”
The angle is determined by the person’s propensity to be active or passive (proactive or

reactive) in that situation. By mirroring that angle, you create an alignment, and show
Judy that you and she share a common attitude.

Repetitive Movements
This begins by duplicating Judy’s eye-blink patterns and breathing rate. It also
duplicates any other consistent or stylistic movement, such as finger tapping, pencil
rapping, lip biting and head bobbing. Most of the time, people are not aware that they
are doing anything repetitive.
By subtly matching a repetitive movement, you’ll be connecting with the person’s

unconscious need to move in rhythm. Of course, if you mirror that movement
directly, you’ll probably either be annoying or get caught. Either one damages your
chance of building rapport.
Cross Matching
Imagine Judy is bouncing her pencil on the desk, and you began doing exactly the
same thing. It might be distracting to her. In a matter of seconds, she’s irritated with
you. The most subtle way to mirror a consistent movement like that is called "cross-
matching." Instead of mimicking the exact movement with you own pencil, you
would duplicate the consistency of the movement in a different way. For example,
instead of bouncing your pencil to match her, you would tap a finger on your knee.
The alignment comes from the style of the movement, not from the exact, specific
body part and prop. This is a subtle gesture that will communicate to Judy’s
subconscious.
Level 4. Mirror Verbally

What can you learn from just the sound of someone else’s voice? Research in
linguistics proves that people unconsciously transmit attitudes and beliefs through
vocal expression: tone, volume, emphasis, de-emphasis and style. They also transmit
mood, gender, age and where they may come from. With a little focus, you might
even be able to determine the other person’s personality type and communication style.
So, it pays to pay attention to the other person’s voice.
As a sales person or consultant, you are actually a professional interviewer. As such,

your job is to listen to how the other person speaks, then gently mirror those elements.
The closer you can duplicate them, without forcing, the more effectively they work for
you.
When you speak to people before your seminar, match the speed of their speech, the
tone of their voices, the tempo of their speech, and even some of their dialect.

Research in telephone call centers demonstrated that when the call-center employee
matched the vocal quality of the customer, more sales were made and the customers
retained a much more positive impression of the experience. The research also proves
that when verbal rapport-building techniques were not used, few sales were made and
the callers were left with a negative perception of the experience. For them, it was all in
the voice. So, when you’re on the phone, pay attention to what you hear, and match
it. When you’re in person, so the same thing.
In my workshops, I generally have one person sing a long note in the pitch of his
natural speaking voice. Then, I have every one else (one at time) match that tone.
Instantly, each person knows what it feels like to match another person’s vocal tone.
Depending on where in America people come from, some will speak much faster than
others. For example, advisors in New Jersey or New York speak much faster than
people from South Carolina or parts of Texas. I often have my clients do an
experiment. I’ll have one person tell a story. The other people repeat the story exactly,
and they do it the same time the story is being told. So, we could have thirty people
telling the same story, almost in unison.
Here’s an exercise for you

Let’s do an experiment. First, turn on the TV and look for commercials. Match the
tone, tempo and dialect of the announcer. Recognize how that style of delivery is
different from the way you normally talk.
Second, find a recording of a speech or interview or comedy routine. Having the

recording is important because that allows you to rewind and repeat. Simply duplicate
the speaker’s voice at the same time you’re hearing his or her words. Match the tone,
the speed, the inflection. You don’t even need to say the same words. You could
substitute numbers for words and accomplish the same thing. That’s how simple it is
to change your own voice to approximate someone else’s.
Level 5. Listen for Words

Most people are terrible listeners. That’s the bad news. The good news is, listening
becomes easier as you begin to analyze the other person and what he or she is saying.
You'll immediately become a better listener when you make note of the important
words and phrases the other person uses. Those will point to that person's values. You

can use the values to improve the quality of rapport. You also learn the speed at which
the other person processes information. And, you can learn if the other person is more
prone to being kinesthetic, rather than visual or auditory.
Just listen. But, first, ask some questions to get the other person to do two things: 1)
go inside his head and do a mental scan to find information. 2) express that
information.
Here are some of the questions you can ask to cause the other person to go inside his
mind and do a mental scan:
Questions:
1. Do you normally prefer details or a general description?
2. How do you know if something is good?
3. For instance, how do you know if a business decision is good.
4. What's important in your life?
5. How does financial security fit into [specific area]?
Turn listening into an activity

Remember, most people are bad listeners because it's passive. As soon as you turn
listening into an activity, it ceases to be passive – thus, you listen better.
Here is what you can do:
First. Establish some rapport. Then, ask an open ended question that causes the other
person to go internal and think. For example, ask, “What are the most important
things in your life?”
Criteria
As the person speaks important words, remember them or write them in a list. When
they’re repeated, just place a little mark next to the word in the list. That way, you can
calculate how important those words are. When words and phrases are repeated, they
represent significant values, beliefs and attitudes.
They are like flashing lights on the highway, or icons on your computer desktop,
simple things that are directly linked to significant things. Remember a time when you
were in a crowded room and out of the jumble of mumbles you heard someone

mention your name. Your head turned automatically. Your name is a simple sound,
yet it represents all that you believe about yourself. Ever wonder why some people
change their name? It’s probably because they want to change their identity. Thus,
the name is significant.
Second. Parrot those Criteria Words back to the person. Do it exactly as the words
were spoken. The exact word is the link to the exact belief or attitude. A paraphrased
word is a link to a different belief or attitude. Those words are so important, I need to
show you how easily we can miscommunicate and damage rapport by using words
inaccurately. Of course, the only accurate way of using words is the way the other
person uses them.
What's the difference between these words:
• accident and mistake

• walk and hike
• touch and hold
• look and see
• correct and criticize
• talk and lecture
Each couplet contains similar words, but each word can be interpreted as drastically
different from the other. If the word comes from your client, do not replace it with
one of your own. If you do, she might continue to talk with you, but the quality of
information you elicit from her will be diminished. And, rapport will be more
difficult.
Third. Ask this question, “What do you mean?”
Let’s say the other person says, “I want to protect my family.” You should say, “Yes,
protect your family. (pause) Tell me, what do you mean by ‘Protect your family?’”
What you would not do is change any of the words and say something like, “OK, so
you want to make sure you husband can maintain his standard of living…” Huh?
What does that have to do with, “I want to protect my family?”
When I was a wee lad, we recited the Pledge of Allegiance before each school day. We
said every word exactly as written. We didn’t improvise. That’s how you should
approach criteria words. They’re power-packed with memories and emotions linked
back to that person’s childhood. Just honor that by reciting the words exactly as said.

Bonus!
What I’ve just showed you are probably more ways to build rapport than you would
ever use. Ironically, there is an interesting similarity between therapists and sales
people. Both need to connect with the other person very quickly. Both need to get
vital information very quickly. Yet, the sales person spends almost no time building
rapport. As a Clinical Hypnotherapist, I’ve actually spent an entire session working on
getting into rapport with a client. Without that rapport, there is not enough trust
established for me to do my work.
The people I know who are very good at building rapport and establishing a solid
connectivity – other therapists and counselors – tend to focus on something that sales
people see as too subtle. Actually, quite the opposite is true. I’m talking about a few
things that are all but invisible.
Energy. At the upper level, we can think of it as degree of energy. If your eight-year-
old daughter runs in and begins to tell you about how much fun she’s having, there is a
big difference between your energy and hers. An expert motivational speaker works to
raise your level of energy. He wants you manic by the time he says, “Thank you!” The
proof, however, that most don’t understand rapport is that they begin their programs
at high energy, rather than meeting the audience at the energy level already in the
room. Science shows that you need to meet the person or audience at the exact energy
level that’s already there.
The point is, energy is more felt than seen or heard. But it’s a safe bet that you won’t
get into rapport until you either match the other person’s energy, or get him to match
yours.
Breathing. One of the best ways to determine the other person’s energy level is by
watching her breathing rate. Your eight-year-old is breathing rapidly. Just watch her
breathing slow down. In fact, approximate her breathing first, then slow your own
breathing very obviously. You’ll see her calm down. With a client, just watch his tie or
a shoulder. You’ll see them rise and fall as he inhales and exhales. Match that rhythm.
Blink rate. The frequency that someone blinks his eyes also gives you a way to discern
the energy level. Excited people blink more often. Just match the blink rate and begin
to slow yours down.
Eye patterns. All people use strategies for making decisions. You can track those
strategies by watching where the person’s eyes go. Then, a fascinating thing happens,
you are also able to follow the sensory experience the other person is having. If the
other person initiates stimulation visually, then moves into feelings. Her eyes will look

in specific places. See where they go, then send yours there. This will help keep you
from making comments that mismatch the other person’s experience.
Emotion. This point nudges the line between psychology and spirituality. People
recognize your emotional state. You feel and perceive the emotional state of people
who come into your space. The emotions of hate, anger and guilt are the easy ones.
They’re just so powerful that they’re easy to feel.
The first step is always to meet the other person in his or her emotional state. Now,
think for a minute about what emotion you want your prospect or your employee to
feel about you? Move into that state and silently communicate it to the other person.
In the our more rigorous rapport and charisma training, we have the audience break
into pairs. One person will build up a powerful, positive emotional state and shoot it
to their partner. The partner’s job is to name the emotion. Try it. But be careful.
You can very easily make yourself highly magnetic to that other person. Make the
emotion appropriate!

How to build rapport with

your audience
We have to laugh. Most of the presenters we’ve
seen in the financial industry – in fact, most of
the presenters we’ve ever seen – don’t know
how to build rapport with their audience. In
the vast majority of cases, the presenter
systematically drives a wedge between himself
and the audience.
The big mistakes include: 1) delivering the

program to only one personality type. 2) not
making the content relevant. 3) delivering
mostly technical and how-to information with little connection to the audience. 4)
failing to build any rapport.
The biggest mistake is delivering a standardized program from which you never veer.
It’s tempting – you spend a lot of money on a seminar package, so it’s easy to just
deliver it as-is. Unfortunately, if you’re not linked to the material by personal values or
passion, you’ll get bored with it right away. Then, your audiences will get bored right
away. Surely, you and your audiences are worth better than that. And, it all starts with
the rapport-building activities.
Building Response Potential – The double-whammy! Some rapport-building

activities can also build response potential in your audience. It’s a two-step process.
Rapport is absolutely essential. In fact, you should not proceed with your program
until you gain rapport. Then, you can continue building even more willingness and
enthusiasm in your audience to respond to you. That’s called “building response
potential.”

9 Ways to Build Rapport with an Audience
Let’s look at how you can make every seminar fun and entertaining for everyone. Let’s
look at how it is possible for every seminar to be the most fun you have all week long.
Here are some of the skills I employ to do that. Use them at your own risk. If you
don’t feel comfortable stepping into the unknown like this, perhaps we should talk
about some confidence coaching.
1. Greet people as they enter.

We have a client who was reluctant to greet people as they showed up to attend
his seminar. The result was an audience that was a cold as a frozen fish when he
began speaking. He created an up-hill battle for himself and he always lost.
When we attended one of his seminars, the audience was so cold, that someone
actually heckled him! How can you avoid that? Simply greet people as they
enter the room. To make this pay off for you, it requires you to quickly read
something about each person.
2. Use and remember the person’s name.

In the midst of a chaotic crowd, you will be shocked into automatically
responding when you hear your name spoken. It sticks out and rings through
the cacophony as clearly as a fire alarm. It is a powerful connector – use it.
3. Read people as quickly as you can.

Read their faces, their body language and their words. Make your brief
conversation relevant to each person. This gives you inside information for
making your presentation specifically relevant with them (big rapport). It is
also a direct link to setting appointments!
Do it like this: Say the person’s name out loud as a statement, “Michael!”
Then smile and pause. Watch Michael’s reaction. Match the reaction and say
something appropriate. “I think you and I are going to really like each other.”
4. Establish eye contact.

There is typically one person in the audience with whom you need to bond.
That is the major influencer. If you’re doing an on-site seminar, it might be the
manager. If you’re doing a corporate program, chances are, it’s a corporate
executive, a person accustomed to wielding a big influence. Your job is to gain
rapport with him or her as quickly as possible.
First, look him in the eye. Let the audience know that you’re not intimidated.
Second, ask him to stand up and do some kind of interview. Carefully, touch
him on the shoulder or elbow. Ultimately, you want to make eye contact with
as many people in your audience as possible. Look each one in the face, make
eye contact for no more than three seconds. Then, move to a different person.
5. Move in close to get questions.

A couple of years ago, I was
doing a program here in Dallas.
My audio engineer was making a
tape of the seminar. However,
the hand mic did not work. So,
in order to capture the questions,
I had to get very close to the
person asking the question. After
a few hours, someone
commented on that, saying that
he felt honored when I did that, Figure 13: That’s Michael with a group of
like I was focusing exclusively American Express Financial Advisors. He is
on him. I’ve dealt with reading that person, making eye contact, and
questions in the same way ever getting close to answer a question.
since.
6. Move out to answer the questions.

Once you capture the question, back up and deliver the answer to everyone.
This allows you to make eye contact and reconnect with everyone. As soon as
someone asks another question, move in close.
7. Reward people for volunteering.

Long ago, I learned to reward people who volunteer early in a program. That
teaches the others to participate. Usually, I’ll give them a copy of a book, a tape
or a collection of letters. If you want to be self-promotional, you can give
copies of your own book. But, I found that books on absurd topics worked
better. For example, I found a book titles something like, 200 fun things to do
with transparent tape.
One of my best friends is an executive with the Half Price Books chain. He tells
me about absurd books he finds. My favorite is World of Worms. Give a big
Hollywood build-up like it’s the best book of the century and give away with
great drama. Your audience will love your light side.
8. Create a unison response.

“Raise your hand if you lost money on your investments last year. Raise your
hand if you think there might be a better way to structure your investments.
Raise your hand if you’re disappointed with your financial advisor. Raise you

hand if you would like to get a second opinion.” The point is, the more times
you can get your audience doing something in unison, the higher the level of
rapport you’ll develop. My favorite response request is, “Turn to someone next
to you and silently look into that person’s face. Imagine that’s your next $10
million client. What do you see that will help you make a meaningful
connection?”
9. Get agreement.
This always comes up; people obviously agree with you, but they don’t express
it. What do you do? Teach them. In mid-January, 2003 I was teaching 200
golf coaches about using hypnosis to improve the mental game. The entire
room was interested, but most of the people were not expressive. So, I did this.
I nodded my head yes, and said, “This is Yes.” Then, shook my head no. “This
is No.” Which one is it? No one responded. I repeated the instructions and
only then did they do it in unison with me. Do not go on without getting
them to respond. The entire program will go much better, but if you quit
before you get the response, you lose most of your credibility.
10. Give them a short break.

The real reason you want them to go on a break is because that gives you a
chance to control when the program starts again. That teaches them that you’re
in charge. When they come back into the room, you can more easily gather
them all up again and re-establish your control. You can ask questions and get
more unison responses.
Secondarily, during the break, you can schmooze with people in the audience
and get to know them better. The better they get to know you, the more
personal they get with you, the more they will follow you and respond to you.

What does rapport look like?

What does it look like when the audience or another person is in rapport with you? It
looks like magic. It looks like a dance. It looks like you’re the conductor and the
audience is the orchestra. It looks like the picture below.
Figure 14: Those two

people are American
Express Financial advisors.
And, while they don’t yet
realize it, they’re in rapport
with each other, as well as
with Michael. Notice the tilt
of their heads, the matching
angle of their bodies and
the similarity in their state of
relaxation and focus.
One of my favorite things to do when I feel that I’m in good rapport with someone or
an audience is to lower my voice. As if by magic, the person or the entire audience
leans forward to hear what I’m saying. It becomes a very intimate moment between
me and each other person.

Rapport and Sales
Let’s say you have established and built rapport with someone. So what? How is that
relevant to anything? Rapport is not goal in itself. Rather, it is a procedure that is part
of a larger procedure.
People who like each other believe that they also share similar values and beliefs. If we
actually do share them, and you draw a conclusion based on them, I am very prone to
agree with you with little thought and no argument. And, that is the selling power of
rapport. Simply, it facilitates what we call a “yes frame.” You can see that, right?
If you operate at a level below the top, you focus more on sales than anything else.
You pay attention to sales trainers. You look for buy signals. You watch for the right
time to close the deal. And, with that mind set, you doom yourself to remain at that B
level.
What can you do to break out of that cycle? Simple – Stop thinking about making
sales. Begin to focus on the quality of your connection with your prospects and clients.
Look to improve it and to build your relationships. Concentrate on learning
everything you can about how those people communicate with you, because that is a
key to how they learn. And, ultimately your communication with them will revolve
around teaching them – not selling to them. Remember, making a sale places you in a
transaction. Teaching a relevant lesson places you in a relationship.
If you are a high-level financial advisor working with very wealthy clients, you probably
are not thinking about making sales. You long ago left that mindset, and now you’re
focused on giving the highest level of service possible. However, you probably don’t
realize the formula for delivering that service.
Here’s the formula: First establish rapport. Second, build trust. Third, teach.
As you can see, rapport becomes the most vital element in your communication.
Indeed, you entire career hinges on your ability to build rapport, because rapport opens
the door for trust and learning. People you can’t connect with will not trust you.
Unless you can get into rapport with someone’s learning style, you cannot teach.
When you operate at the highest level, you recognize an ethical dilemma. You already
know that your prospects and clients can get no better service than from you. You
know that if your client or prospect goes to someone else, you have failed him. You
know that if he goes to someone else, he will get second-rate care.
Go for the close, and you’ll lose. Botch the rapport building, and you’ll lose. Neglect
to determine the other person’s values or wants, and you’ll lose. See it? Everything
you do starts with rapport. And, rapport runs all the way through your work with each
person who is important to you.
Simply follow the formula: First establish rapport. Second, build trust. Third, teach.
Our research shows us with great consistency that the most elite advisors don’t think
about sales, they think about increasing the quality of their relationships. They think
about reinforcing the contact and the quality of the communication. They do not seek
to persuade, they seek to teach.
If you and I are involved in a deep heart-felt discussion, I quickly come to the
conclusion that you understand me at a deeper level. I readily believe you. Then,
when you show me something or tell me something, I believe you. Your logic makes
much more sense to me, and I want to agree with you. If you, then, go for a
traditional sales close, I may say, “Yes,” but I’ll ultimately resent you for taking
advantage of our relationship and the trust I placed in you. You will have sacrificed a
long-term relationship and loyal client just to make a sale.
The lesson is this – if you want to operate at the B level, learn how people buy.
However, if you want to operate at the highest level, you don’t need to learn how
people buy – you need to learn how people learn! Then, you need to match their
primary learning style. In other words, you need to get into rapport with how they
learn.
How do people learn?

The world’s academics recognize that most learners have a predominant learning style.
That’s the input channel they use to understand, recall and integrate new information.
Anyone who has ever studied teaching or taken a class in Neuro-linguistic
Programming (NLP) knows that there are three basic types of learning styles: auditory,
kinesthetic and visual.
1. 30% to 40% of the learning population are visual learners. Videos, handouts,
flip charts, and pictures are all modalities that work well for the visual learner.
Show them pictures. Talk in word pictures.
2. 20% - 30% of the learning population is comprised of auditory learners. They
like conversation. They learn best by lecture and audio situations.
3. 30% - 50% are kinesthetic learners. These individuals involve their whole
bodies with learning and need role-playing, hands-on, and demonstration to
maximize learning situations. They like to hold props.

Entirely absent from that list is the way most financial advisors and consultants
communicate! We call it “digital language.” Make a tape of your next presentation
and then listen for visual, kinesthetic and auditory references. Most of you probably
won’t find them. What you will find are words like: regarding, considering, in
reference to, value proposition, inflation, analysis, risk, modern portfolio theory,
calculation, asset allocation.
Can you see that there are no pictures, sounds or physical sensations in any of those
words and phrases?
Here’s an example of how this works. I visualize the three learning styles as cups. I
have a very large cup for visual input. You can give me visual information all day long,
and I’m right there with you. But, as soon as you stop showing me and begin telling
me, I stop learning. That’s because my auditory cup “runneth over.” I simply exceed
my auditory capacity very quickly. This plays an important role in my life as my wife
is highly auditory. Nearly every day, I say, “Stop telling me and show me.”
A few years ago, I invested several-thousand dollars in a two-week long, high-level NLP
course in Toronto. To my dismay, the trainer relied on so much auditory information
that my cup filled in the first two days. I was in a state of auditory exhaustion for the
next twelve days!
As an advisor connecting with a client and giving that person great service, you will no
doubt have to teach him about what you’re doing. As soon as you want the client to
understand your logic, you become a teacher. And, as soon as you want to teach him,
you need to follow there three simple steps:
Step #1. Learning style. To teach any individual, you first have to determine that
person’s primary learning style. Does she want to hear what you have to say? Or see
it? Or feel it? I once knew a woman who was so kinesthetic in her learning style that
she actually had to dance new information!
If you don’t know the person’s primary learning style, all you have to do is deliver your
information using all three learning styles. If you’re trained in NLP, you can watch
where her eyes go. That tells you what kind of information she’s gathering, or where
she’s storing your lesson. (For more information on reading eyes, see our book Face
Values)
Step #2. Involvement. When you can determine the other person’s primary learning
style, you can, then, deliver your information to him in the way that has the greatest
chance of successfully being stored, integrated and recalled. Beyond that, your
delivery of the information makes the difference. Experiments have found that when
people (learners) actively process information (e.g., writing it down, verbally

responding to it, or pausing to think about it), they learn and integrate the information
more readily. Hint – suggest to your clients that they take notes and ask questions as
you discuss their situation.
Step #3. Public statement. When a person makes a public statement of a preference
or belief, it’s more difficult for him to change his mind. This is true for two reasons.
First, people who make a public commitment tend to feel as though they lose face
when they, then, change their minds. Second, hearing your own public statements can
increase your confidence in the choice. This is illustrated like this, “How do I know
what I think until I hear what I say?” Hint – Ask the client to state aloud his “stance”
on the topic. In a seminar, ask participants to tell you their concerns before you start.
Those three steps give you a foundation for building an even more powerful rapport
and opening the door to providing service at an even higher level. Ironically, with
those steps in mind, research shows that most coaches and mentors fail their clients in
this way. Generally, they present information in the manner most comfortable for
themselves. And, so it is with advisors, too.
The lesson here is that to be an elite advisor, it is paramount that you learn to deliver
your presentations in all three learning styles. This will help your clients learn and
remember your information. It will help your clients integrate what you teach them.
They will trust you as their primary source of financial information. They will remain
loyal to you. And, you will, of course, be operating at the highest level of
professionalism.
Or, if you’re not yet an elite advisor, you will be operating at the next higher level.
You will be moving up the food chain.

In Conclusion
Rapport is not a magic bullet. Using these techniques does not guarantee that anyone
will buy from you, fall in love with you or follow you. However, it represents your best
shot. Purposefully building rapport requires you to use these techniques, and it allows
you to be more effective working with people. And, when you use these techniques,
immediately, great things begin to happen for you. The other person starts feeling
respected and liked – simply because you’re paying more attention to him or her. That
is added to the effectiveness of the techniques. the deck is stacked in your favor.
There is danger here. Rapport gives you power, and when you have power, you’re in a
dangerous proposition. Here’s how it happens: You go into rapport-building mode.
You build a stronger relationship with the person in front of you. That implies
consistency of intent. It implies that you’ll take care of and protect the relationship.
And, if you use your power to manipulate, you will be branded as the jerk who stole
sincerity from innocent intention.
So, the lesson here is specific: be sure you know what you want and who you are –
before you put these skills and techniques into play. If you don’t treat your new power
with great care, you will find yourself the loser in the end. But, if you use your new
power wisely, and take care of the other person, your rewards will far surpass monetary
gain, dates, friends, advocates and followers.

Take the next step! If you see the value in building rapport, reading people and
connecting with them, consider learning how to do it better.
Michael conducts private and group coaching sessions for people who want to learn
how to be more successful with other people. If your career or personal life are not
what you want them to be, call us. That’s why we’re here. Call Michael at:
214.366.0919.
This is a photo of Michael coaching a

member of the National Association
of Health Underwriters at the NAHU
Annual Conference in Dallas, 2002.
See how their body attitudes match
and they are looking into each other’s
eyes? The communication is
obviously important to both of them,
and they are in deep rapport.
The photo on the right

shows a group of people
in rapport with Michael

Contact Michael Lovas, C.Ht. at:

michael@aboutpeople.com
About the author

MICHAEL LOVAS is the author of five books, three
columns, and a thousand articles on Professional Credibility
and Psychological Communication in the financial industry.
He holds the distinction of being the premier practitioner of
Psychological and Consultative Selling for financial advisors.
Michael is respected internationally as a credibility coach,

keynote speaker and writer. He teaches advisors how to:
identify their A-level clients, attract more of them, and connect
with them in a meaningful way.
Michael has earned three prestigious certifications: Licensed Master Practitioner of

Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), Licensed Trainer of NLP and Clinical
Hypnotherapist (C.Ht.). Since they all focus on using language to influence the
decisions of others, they make Michael an expert at reading people and influencing
them. He teaches professionals how to use those tools to improve their business
performance and profits.
Michael delivers keynotes and seminars internationally. Some of his clients are:
1. Fidelity Investments
2. Compass Bank
3. American Express Financial Advisors
4. Northern Trust
5. Merrill Lynch
6. Nuveen
7. ICM Asset Management
8. Smith Barney
9. State Farm
10. Great West Life of Canada
11. London Life of Canada
12. Edward Jones
13. Delta Life & Annuity

14. The Wright Company

15. Million Dollar Round Table
16. Investment Management Consultants Association
17. GAMA International
18. Financial Planning Association
19. International Human Resources Information Managers
20. National Association of Life Underwriters
21. National Association of Health Underwriters
22. National Association of Independent Life Brokerage Agencies
23. American Marketing Association
24. Business Marketing Association
25. TD Industries
26. Society of Certified Senior Advisors
27. International Assn of Registered Financial Consultants
28. International Association for Financial Planning
As a writer of Psychological Communication programs, Michael has worked with many

high-profile organizations including: Smith Barney, AFLAC, CIGNA, First Union Securities,
Transport Life, Garden State Life, New York Life, Nat’l Assn of State Farm Agents, Merrill-
Lynch, Prudential Securities, Paine-Webber, Guardian Life, ChaseBank, Pegasus Federal
Credit Union, SouthWest Bank of Texas, ExxonMobil, Reliant Energy, CenTex Corporation,
J.C. Penney, Hospital Corp of America, Sheraton, Marriott, Central State University, Federal
Home Loan Bank, American Quarter Horse Association, the Dallas Symphony . . .
Michael Lovas
AboutPeople
(509) 465-5599
www.aboutpeople.com

Endorsements
“The pearls of wisdom you shared during your presentation today were enlightening
and caused me to want more. You are a star!”
-- Jim McCarty, author, speaker, official spokesman for American Express Financial
"Michael not only delivers a powerful message, but does it in a very entertaining and
enjoyable fashion. He has had a huge impact on our organization."
-- Edwin Pittock, President - Society of Certified Senior Advisors
“3 Thumbs up for Michael....you were terrific and the time went pretty fast for
me...like I was witnessing a Broadway play....you are a polished actor and extremely
creative with your style and a breathe of fresh air to sharpen my sword to be more
effective in communicating...I think of you as a therapist in bringing creative concepts
to my psyche to help keep me passionate and somewhat reinventive of myself after 30
years of combat!”
-- David Lurie, MetLife, Houston, TX
“As I watched the interaction among the participants, I noticed their deep respect for
you – not just what you as the expert had to say, but what you the facilitator had to
share. Take it from one in the business, you have a rare palpable gift that bonds the
group into one cohesive unit. Michael, you are indeed a special ‘talent’ and I thank
you for sharing a positive, enjoyable learning experience with me.”
-- Lynn Ann Bartholomew, Owner, The Learning LAB
“Year after year our Georgia Insurance EXPO looks forward to your seminars.
Attendees call and ask, ‘Is Michael doing a session?’ You make the audience feel like
you enjoyed being with us and gave it your all. I can’t imagine EXPO without
Michael.”
-- Diane Woods, Vice President, Operations, Athens Insurance Agency, Inc. and Image
Innovations, Athens, GA.
“THANK YOU for the quality presentation. It was absolutely the best CE class I've
ever taken! Keep up the good work.”
-- Ed Frey, agent, Georgia
"Michael's presentation kept us spellbound and provided invaluable information. I

recommend this program to all professionals who crave simplicity and strive to make a
positive impact on their clients, colleagues and potential customers."
-- Carolyn Bacon, President - American Marketing Association, San Antonio

“It's both amazing and empowering to feel like you have a little insight from an
expression! Thanks again.”
-- Nora Nido, Morgan Stanley
"Michael's ability to convey creative and unique sales ideas is uncanny. He taught my
group to read and determine what personality type the prospect is and how to appeal to
his wants in a sales situation."
-- Lee D. Hyder, Author, Estate Planning for Everyone
“Our Association members greatly enjoyed hearing you speak. Your interactive
presentation made this the most interesting and fun meeting that we had all year.”
-- Jodi L. Ferguson, Program Chair, Central California AHU
“I was greatly invigorated by your speech last seek in Calgary, Alberta, to the reps from
London Life. My sincere thanks for a truly wonderful presentation which will help us
to help others more effectively.”
-- Brian Weatherdon, London Life of Canada
"Michael's presentation is energized, to say the least! He has the ability to communicate
his message in a manner that draws the attendee into the discussion and drives it
straight to the heart of the problem. I endorse his program and his methodology with
great enthusiasm."
-- Dee K. Carter, President, Texas Association of Insurance and Financial Advisors
“Few speakers surprise me. Michael Lovas surprises me. He brings something to the
equation that has really super-charged the techniques I've held near and dear for so
long. For the first time, literally, I understood the psychology behind the powerful
techniques that so many dynamic speakers exhibit. But Michael isn't just a speaker; he
is the real thing, an honest to God, real-life teacher, a mentor of the first order. And,
his workshop underscores everything I just said.”
-- Kelly Hewitt, Owner, Merge Marketing
“During my years at Met, I’ve attended many seminars and can say with certainty that
yours was the most practical and user-friendly. Everything covered during the seminar
seems beneficial and I will definitely recommend it to my team here in Houston. Most
speakers spend half to most of their presentation selling their product or future services.
You dedicated your entire seminar to hands-on exercises and real-life practices; an
approach that proved to much more valuable. Many thanks again on bringing life and
value to the Chicago forum.”
-- Scott Francis, Managing Director, MetLife Financial Services, Houston, Texas

Add Your Private Label to AboutPeople Programs.

When your organization wants to help your advisors increase profits, introduce
them to Michael and AboutPeople. You can bring the AboutPeople programs to
your advisors and staff at the national, regional or local levels. And, when you do,
you get the option to add your organizations name and logo (Private Label) to the
workbooks and other hand-out materials. This links you to the material and
creates a powerful connection between you and the advisors.
We have private-label relationships with companies like: Nuveen, Columbia

Management, Fidelity Investments, ICM Asset Management, American Express
Financial Advisors and IMCA.
Coaching and Training.

AboutPeople is the premier provider of coaching and training in the subtle arts
of consultative selling and client relationship building. We quietly travel the
continent teaching producers how to become top producers by being smarter
and more effective working with other people. If your career depends on your
ability to sell, manage, inspire or help other people, why not learn the best
people skills on the planet? When you’re ready to move to a higher level, call us.

For bookings or consultation:
AboutPeople develops learning for financial professionals. Every proprietary

program is extensively researched and substantiated long before it is presented to
you. Thus, every AboutPeople program is distinct and significant – not merely a
rehash of someone else’s effort. We also employ the best of the best practices
from the world of psychology, neuro-linguistic programming, hypnotherapy,
influence and persuasion.
If you’re looking for typical and traditional – don’t look to us. If you’re wanting
standardized and rigid – don’t look to us. If you want a pre-packaged program –
do not look to us.
But, if you want knowledge and actual skills that you can begin to use
immediately – That’s AboutPeople.
Michael Lovas
AboutPeople
1503 E. Riverview Dr.
Colbert, Washington 99005
(509) 465-5599
www.aboutpeople.com

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This photo shows Michael getting into rapport with a group

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© Copyright 2002 by Michael Lovas and Pamela Holloway

Michael Lovas www.aboutpeople.com

Michael Lovas www.aboutpeople.com