Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:

Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

The clean, lean style of newswriting

Good reporters value words

They know that clarity comes from starting their ideas in the fewest words necessary. They
choose words carefully, to give their readers a precise account of the story they are reporting.

Whether a news story or scholarly research paper, all types of well-written prose share a number
of characteristics. Writers can’t count on expression, gestures, tone of voice and the ability to ask
and answer questions as ways to clear up misunderstanding and provide fuller explanation.
Writing must stand on its own.

Writers have the responsibility to anticipate the questions their words plant in their readers’
minds. They need to prune and shape each sentence to eliminate excess words, fuzzy thinking
and muddled phrases.

Becoming your own editor

In your hurry to get your idea on paper, don’t expect your first version to be your best. The next
step is to assume the role of editor, critic and--most important--average reader, and question what
you’ve said. With practice, you’ll find that some of your greatest satisfaction as a writer can come
from polishing and editing your own work--and making it shine.

Here are three techniques for improving your writing, whether it’s for journalism or other classes.

1. Use the active voice of verbs, not the passive.

2. Tighten rambling sentences
3. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

EXERCISE 1A
Be your own editor: Getting active

Use the active voice of verbs, not the passive.

Not all verbs have both active and passive voices. Those that do express the effect of one person
or thing upon another.

Active: The reporter interviewed the principal. (5 words)

Chess Club elected officers. (4 words)

Passive: The principal was interviewed by the reporter. (7 words)

Officers were elected by Chess Club. (6 words)

The active voice uses fewer words, while the passive voice takes longer to say the same thing and
lacks a sense of action. Some writing coaches advise students to eliminate the passive voice
entirely. Others admit its value when the subject or actor is unimportant or unknown.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

Note: Don’t confuse the passive voice with linking and helping verbs in other verb phrases.

Active:The reporter finished his story early.

Passive: The story was finished early by the reporter.
Linking: The reporter was Kevin Cardenas.
Active:Kevin was looking for our adviser. (Was=helping verb)

Directions:
PART A.
Rewrite the following sentences to eliminate the passive voice.  Some contain more than one
passive verb phrase; others require a subject for the verb when changed into active voice.  After
each sentence, note the word count before and after.

1. Many questions are being asked by students about the new athletic code.
REWRITE: Students are asking many questions about the new athletic code.

Word count: Before __12___ After_10__

2. Practice Quiz Bowl sessions are being offered to prospective members by Mr. Adam
Freedman, team adviser.
REWRITE: Advisor Adam Freedman is offering practice Quiz Bowl sessions to prospective
members.
Word count: Before _16__ After__12__

3. The Rams’ first football game of the season was played on a day when a record high was
reached by the temperature.
REWRITE: Temperatures reached a record high on the day of the season’s first Rams’ football
game.
Word count: Before __22__ After__15__

4. Twelve students - five male and seven females - will be offered parts in “12 Angry Men,” this
spring’s Dramatics Club play.
REWRITE: “12 Angry Men,” this spring’s Dramatic Club play, offers roles for twelve students --
five male and seven female.
Word count: Before __20__ After__18_

5. Such extracurricular activities as athletics and music will be eliminated or cut by the San Jose
Unified Board of Education if the upcoming school tax is not passed by voters.
REWRITE: Extracurricular activities such as athletics and music face cuts or elimination if voters
reject the upcoming school levy.
Word count: Before __28__ After__18__

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

PART B.
Another way to eliminate the passive voice is to rewrite the sentence, using a different approach
and verb.

Passive: A poll was taken recently by the staff of Ram Pages in which a decline was show
in the number of male student smokers. (22 words)

Improved: A recent Ram Pages poll shows a decline in the number of male student
smokers. (14 words)
or
The number of males student smokers has declined, according to a recent Ram
Pages poll. (14 words)

Directions:
Rewrite the following sentences to eliminate the passive voice. You may use the active voice of
the verb given or rewrite the sentences with a different verb and approach. You may want to
divide some sentences into several clearer, shorter ones.

1. The complaints that have been made by students about the school cafeteria food are being
taken into serious consideration while the new menu is being planned by a committee,
headed by cafeteria manager Mrs. Harriet Garvey.
In planning the new cafeteria menu, a committee headed by Cafeteria Manager Mrs. Harriet
Garvey is seriously considering student complaints about the food

Word count: Before 39 After 23

2. Simulated air raid drills were held in Mr. Scott Partridge’s American history classes to show
how students were made to take part in air raid drills during the Cold War with Russia so they
would be prepared if enemy attacks were made on the U.S. mainland.
Simulated air raid drills let members of Mr. Scott Partridge’s American history classes
experience how schools prepared students for enemy attacks on the U.S. mainland during the
Cold War with Russia.

Word count: Before 46 After31

3. Socializing between classes must be targeted before efforts to control tardiness to class can be
successful, states Mrs. Liz Roselman, dean of students.
Efforts to control tardiness to class won’t succeed unless they target socializing between class,
said Mrs. Liz Roselman, dean of students.

Word count: Before 23 After 21

4. Elimination of senior lawn privileges is being discussed by the administration because of

accusations that the rights have been abused and complaints have been received about noise
from teachers in nearby classrooms and discarded trash from school custodians.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

Senior lawn privileges face possible elimination as a result of administration discussions about
students’ abuse of this right. Teachers in nearby classrooms have complained about noise, and
custodians about discarded trash.

Word count: Before 39 After 31

5. Helen Belete, Willow Glen senior, has been selected to represent the school in a citywide
seminar which will be Tuesday, March 5, when coordinating activities for the Summer Peach
and Fun program will be discussed.
Helen Belete, senior, will represent Willow Glen in a citywide seminar Tuesday, March 5.
Participants will discuss coordinating activities for the Summer Peach and Fun program.

Word count: Before 35 After 26

EXERCISE 1B
Be your own editor: Get to the point
PART A. Tighten rambling sentences

Poor: Be careful not to write sentences that are loosely constructed in a long-winded
fashion and that have a tendency to ramble instead of getting right to the point.

Better: Get to the point. Don’t be longwinded.

DIRECTIONS:
Edit the following sentences by cutting down wordy phrases and cutting out unnecessary
repetitions. Be sure to retain essential information.

Example: The three Willow Glen students who were arrested for allegedly setting a fire in the
boys’ locker room on Oct. 21 will be brought to trial on Nov. 24. Two of the
students are held in juvenile detention center and the other student is on home
suspension.

Better: Three Willow Glen students go on trial Nov. 24 for allegedly setting a fire in the
boys’ locker Oct. 21. Two are held in juvenile detention center and the third is on
home suspension.
Word count: Before 45 After 35

1. Shortly after 11 p.m., Willow Glen Principal Kaia Hamilton was notified by police of the break-
in and attempted arson which was then in progress.
Police notified Willow Glen Principal Kaia Hamilton shortly after 11 p.m. of the break-in and
attempted arson then in progress.
Word count: Before 23 After 18

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

2. The break-in was first noticed when a group of Willow Glen students passed by in a car and
called 911 to report that they had noticed shadowy figures running from the building.
A group of Willow Glen students, who drove by and noticed shadowy figures running from the
building, called 911 to make the first report.
Word count: Before 31 After 23
3. The students who sing in the Willow Glen mixed ensemble, the Bella Voce, which is
comprised of 16 members, placed first against 12 other schools that were entered in the district
vocal music competition at Sonoma State University on March 31. This was the Bella Voce’s
first time ever to take part in this competition.
The Bella Voce, Willow Glen’s 16-member mixed ensemble, placed first against 12 other schools
when the group participated for the first time ever in the district vocal music competition at
Sonoma State University, March 31.
Word count: Before 52 After 33
4. Because the ensemble’s performance won the top spot in the district vocal music contest, the
group landed a spot in the state contest in which district winners from all over the state
compete.
Winning first place in the district makes the ensemble eligible to compete at the state level.
Word count: Before 33 After 16

5. In preparation for this year’s prom, Willow Glen Sparkles, committees which are made up of
both students and parents have been working for months to make this night a night that will be
both safe and fun. Among other things they have been planning various types of games and
contests which will go on all night long.
A committee of both students and parents has worked for months to make this year’s prom,
Willow Glen Sparkles, both safe and fun. Planned activities include games and contests
continuing all night long.
Word count: Before 57 After 33
6. At the last board of education meeting, board members chose to adopt a new and different
type of block scheduling which allows students to be enrolled in only four classes during each
semester.
Block scheduling, which the board of education adopted at their last meeting, allows students
to enroll in only four classes per semester.
Word count: Before 33 After 22

PART B. Get a strong start

Opening words in a sentence or paragraph make the first impression -- choose them carefully.
Expletives are not just “dirty” words. They’re there and it, too. Used as introductory words, there
and it delay the real “meat” and subject of a sentence, and they frequently lead to wordiness and
dullness.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

Poor: There will be a meeting of students wising to ...

Better: Students wishing to explore the Internet can find ...
Poor: It will no longer be a policy to allow students coming late ...
Better: Students coming late to class will no longer ...

DIRECTIONS:
Edit and rewrite the following sentences.
1. There has been an increase in enrollment at Willow Glen each year for the past five years, and
there have been nine new faculty and staff members added this year as a result.
Increased enrollment each of the past five years has resulted in the addition of nine new faculty
and staff members this year at Willow Glen
or
Nine new members have joined the Willow Glen staff and faculty this year as a result of
increased enrollments each of the past five years.
Word count: Before 33 After 25

2. It is only a few weeks until the official dedication of Willow Glen’s new gym when there will
be a special ceremony and an opportunity for students and community members to inspect
and admire its up-to-date facilities.
The official dedication ceremony of Willow Glen’s new gym takes place in several weeks,
offering students and community members an opportunity to inspect its up-to-date facilities.
Word count: Before 39 After 28
3. It is the first amendment that supports the belief that school papers should exist as an entity
that does not fear censorship.
The first amendment supports the right of school papers to exist free of censorship.
Word count: Before 22 After 14
4. There will be a cast of 36 in this year’s school musical.
This year’s school musical has a cast of 36.
Word count: Before 12 After 9
5. According to Mr. Steve Dini, faculty director, it would be difficult to coach individual actors
with such a big group so it has been decided that Ms. Emily Peña will be faculty co-adviser.
Ms. Emily Peña will serve as co-adviser because the big cast makes coaching individual actors
difficult, according to Mr. Steve Dini, faculty director.
Word count: Before 33 After 23

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

EXERCISE 1C
Be your own editor: Make it right
PART A. Say what you mean, mean what you say

Poor: Hanging around the house all day, my room felt like a prison.
Your room was “hanging around the house”? Where does it generally spend its time? And your
room can “feel”? Well, now!

The proper term for such lack of clarity is ambiguity. This means you could take a word or
statement more than one way. You can only guess or assume you know what the person really
means.
Better: After hanging around the house all day, I felt my room was like a prison.
DIRECTIONS:
Read the following statements and determine why each sentence is ambiguous. Then, write a
new version that eliminates such ambiguity.

1. Mr. Felix Cruz, board president, suggested changes in staging the rally that the committee did
not approve.
The committee did not approve of Board President Mr. Felix Cruz’s proposed changes in staging
the rally.
Or
Because the committee did not approve the rally, Mr. Felix Cruz, board president, suggested
changes in its staging.

2. The originators of the campaign stress the fact that dropping out of school causes many kinds
of future losses by providing a video on the topic.
To stress the fact that dropping out of school causes many kinds of future losses, the originators
of the campaign are providing a video on the topic.

3. Potential dropouts often refuse to listen to parents and teachers, and the video promises to help
them.
The video promises to help dropouts, who often refuse to listen to parents and teachers.
Or
The video promises to help parents and teachers, who find dropouts often refuse to listen to
them.
4. It was Principal Kaia Hamilton who announced that Head Basketball Coach John Smith had
submitted his resignation yesterday at an emotional pep rally in the gym.
At an emotional pep rally in the gym, Principal Kaia Hamilton announced that Head Basketball
Coach John Smith had submitted his resignation the day before.

5. Facing the need to choose a college, a big problem is finding the time and money to visit those
that seem promising.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

Facing the need to choose a college, students have trouble find the time and money to visit
those that seem promising.

6. While research Willow Glen’s history, the class discovered that Clyde Goodfellow was
believed to be the oldest white man born in this county at the time of his death.
While researching Willow Glen’s history, the class discovered that, at the time of Clyde
Goodfellow’s death, records credited him with being the oldest white man born in this country.

PART B. Choose the right word

The spell check won’t help you choose between two words that sound similar or alike but have
different spellings and meanings. Your only hopes: turn to the dictionary, ask someone who
knows or choose another word.

DIRECTIONS:
Read the following sentences, then choose the correct word from the pair written in parentheses.
You may need to consult the dictionary -- and some errors result from a reporter’s creatively
hopeful attempt at spelling.

Write the correct form in the blank space or spaces before each example.

1. The committee rejected several comedies because they considered the

dialogue too (risky, risqué) for a school play

2. Students’ complaints that they received a (plerifera, plethora) of homework

need not be taken seriously, the speaker said.

3. The track team ended (it’s, its) season

4. by proving the truth of (their, there) motto:
5. No team is (to, too) powerful
6. for the Rams (to, too) beat.

7. Incoming freshmen find it hard to (accept, except) the fact that their high
8. school record seriously (affects, effects) their future.

9. This year, Student Council has all its plans in (sink, sync).

10. Not many students can claim to be a real-life (heroin, heroine), but Dane
Caldwell deserves the honor.

11. Most teens belong to some kind of (cliché, clique) or group.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Name:
Be your own editor: Getting Active Date: Period 1

12. Jay Jordan submitted a report on 15th-century (Sand script, Sanskrit)

manuscripts.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser’s Survival Guide! Journalism 2012-2013