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This book offers a balanced, biblical view for every believer who wants a prosperous and fulfilling
marriage relationship. In this book, Dr. Myles offers some of the best advice on the subject of finding
the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life. The principles in this book will guide you
through a period that, for some, is the most confusing time of life.
For anyone looking for that special someone with whom to share life with, this book is
essential, fun, and full of hope!
1. PREPARING TO DATE
The word “dating” comes from the idea of “setting a date,” where two people agree to get together at a
certain time and place for recreation and fellowship. Although dating as we know it today is not a
Scriptural concept, it nevertheless has become thoroughly imbedded as a social norm. Here, we're
discussing courtship (which is broken into two stages: dating and engagement. This will be explained
in later chapters).
But what, exactly is dating? What is its purpose? When is a person “READY” to date? What
guidelines are appropriate for a good relationship?
These are important questions that deserve solid answers! Understanding this is both important for
teenagers as well as parents.
One of the common question teenagers (and parents) ask is, “How old should a person be
before starting a relationship?” The answer is not as simple as some try to make it. There is more
involved than simply assigning a chronological age. In reality, the answer depends on…
Parents’ attitudes and
The developmental level of the child.
In summary, a person’s readiness to start a relationship is largely a matter of MATURITY and
ENVIRONMENT.
2. You Must Have Understood God’s Own GUIDELINES and STANDARDS for Courtship:
This requires a certain degree of SPIRITUAL MATURITY. If you don’t deliberately seek to understand
God’s guidelines and standards for marriage relationship, you are bound to follow the world’s way by
default. This means there are only 2 choices:
Either you deliberately choose to follow God’s guidelines and standards or you will be doomed to
follow the world’s way by default.
It is completely unreasonable to ignore God’s standards and still expect a godly outcome.
Some of God’s guidelines and standards include:
i. The Relationship must be submitted to Godly Mentoring—“By yourself, you are
unprotected, with your partner, you can face the worst. But a three-fold cord is NOT easily broken”
[King Solomon, Ecclesiastes 4:12]. ii. Both parties must be committed to LIFE-LONG
LEARNING—“Every house is built by wise planning, it becomes established through the use of
common sense, and profits wonderfully by KEEPING ABREAST OF THE FACTS!” (King Solomon,
Proverbs 24:3—4)
iii. Before you start, you must have marriage in view—Courtship is no place for trial and error.
True definition of courtship is the building of a life together by two people [of opposite sex] with
marriage in view. You should begin with the end in mind! “…Mary was espoused (pledged to be
married) to Joseph” (Matthew 1:18)
iv. And many others.
So ask yourself:
*Am I spiritually and emotionally matured enough to enter into this path?
*Have I understood the whole concept God’s Word from Genesis to Revelation?
*Do I have a mentor (a third-fold cord) that is guiding me in this path?
*How many messages have I listened to? Again, write down the answers to these questions, and then
take actions on them! If you cannot answer these questions well, you are not ready.
3. You Must Be RESOLVED in Your Spirit That You Will Not Lower or Compromise God’s
Standards:
Anytime you lower God’s standards, you prove you’re not mature spiritually or emotionally. Standing
firm on what you believe in is a sign of both spiritual and emotional maturity.
Ask yourself, “Have I resolved in my heart to follow God’s standards without any compromise?” If you
are not resolved in your heart to do it God’s way only, you are still not ready.
Building friendship is the greatest value and indeed, the primary purpose of a courtship period.
Building Friendships:
FOCUS on getting the other person to talk about himself/herself instead of yourself:
The way to do that is: Ask questions that bother on the other person’s interests. Be selfless! Ask
questions about the four basic categories of a person’s life—family, education, interests, and spiritual
things.
SHARE in sorrow and joy with them:
Be ready, willing, and available to give your friends comfort and support during times of trial and times
of Joy. Remember, “Shared sorrow is HALVED while shared joy is DOUBLED!”
ASSUME PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for our friend’s reputation:
ALWAYS SEEK TO IMPROVE your friends—always!
SHARE FREELY as you grow in inner strength, become better and learn new things! Let an
improvement in your life create a corresponding improvement in your friends’ lives. In other words,
“become better for the sake of your friends”.
SHARE SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES and VALUES freely with your friends.
Be faithful, loyal and available.
3. MYTHS OF MATE-FINDING
Fact #1: KNOLEDGE IS THE FOUNDATION. “The major cause of problems in marriage relationships
is lack of KNOWLEDGE (or inaccurate knowledge) before starting. Your level of correct information
determines the level of your relationship. However, the TWO BEST SOURCES of information and
wisdom are:
From God Himself and
Wise counsels from trusted mentors!
Fact #2: No one can ever experience a successful marriage without a SOLID PLAN—“The plans of
the righteous surely lead to plenty” (King Solomon, Proverbs 21:5).
Thus, we have established two key principles that are necessary for success in marriage relationship:
(i.) A Solid Plan (ii.) KNOWLEDGE (or Godly Wisdom) for executing those plans.
But even careful, well-laid plans will fail if they are based on faulty information. That is why it is
important to have accurate information before we start. It is much easier (and far better) to avoid
mistakes at the beginning than to try to correct them in mid-stream. Now it’s time for some myth-
smashing! Myths are ideas generally held to be true but has only be founded on faulty information (or
false notions).
Things to Check:
1. Is He a Christian?
The principle is this: "Anyone we are considering to marry should display CONTINUING EVIDENCE
OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH, and so should we". You must clearly see the life of Christ in him. What
words does he use? How does he place and handle spiritual things? What is his commitment level in a
local assembly? A believer and an unbeliever have no basis for spiritual intimacy.
"Anyone we are considering to marry should display CONTINUING EVIDENCE OF SPIRITUAL
GROWTH, and so should we"
There are three stages that are involved in building a marriage relationship:
1. Dating—this is the time couples get to meet from time to time and basically talk about their spiritual
fellowship. This is where you establish if you're both on the same spiritual frequency. The next is the
"soulical level" where you begin to check if you can relate and reach yourselves intellectually.
2. Engagement—this is the level of dreaming and planning. You both engage in sitting down to
discuss about your financial plans together, and begin to create the mental picture of the kind of home,
family and life you seek to build together. Your goals are written down and they are high enough to
stretch you both. You write the goals down on paper and you both have copies with you so you can
work individually but towards the same direction. In a nut shell, engagement should be a serious but
joyous time of PLANNING and ANTICIPATION.
3. Marriage—Here you enter full commitment and you can consumate the relationship through
physical union. Here, couples begin to implement and execute all the plans they’ve made during
engagement!
5. ENGAGEMENT: Preparing to Marry
Engagement is different from dating (the period of checking out and confirming your convictions and
aligning your values and compartibility). In engagement, you are already planning to marry. It's as
though he or she was already your spouse.
The dating period is a period of confirmation. But the engagement period is when the marriage
covenant is established between the man and the woman. It's a time for deepening the friendship and
spiritual oneness that they should have developed during the dating period.
For some folks, engagement means going out for rice and chicken, ice cream, going to movies,
holding hands, kissing, and such. That's not engagement, that's dating. Of course, engaged couples
do those kinds of things because they should continue dating, but engagement involves much more.
Engagement literally means to "interlock with", "to be in gear with". At engagement, couple's goals,
objectives, dreams, desires, and values should interlock with each other, and they should be "in gear"
with each other as they move forward with their practical preparations to bring those things to pass.
Engagement is HARD-CORE PLANNING where a couple gets down to the brass tacks of
preparing for life after the wedding.
Spiritual Foundation:
This is not about whether or not each partner is a believer. That must have been established during
discerning your partner. During engagement, couples must lay a strong spiritual foundation. No single
area is more important for future marital success than for a couple to make sure they are "in gear"
spiritually, that they see eye-to-eye on spiritual matters! For instance:
1. Recognizing the God-given role of the man as the Spiritual Leader (not dictator!) of the home under
the overall Lordship of Jesus Christ. The man must be willing to accept this RESPONSIBILITY. So the
woman must study to understand her role as a woman and respond accordingly.
2. Agreeing of the same church both will attend is important for spiritual harmony. Oneness is the glue
that holds a relationship together.
My thoughts:
I believe so strongly that every Christian home should be a MODEL to every other marriage
relationships on earth. I have chosen to make my home a model because I choose to stand by God’s
standards and guidelines. I charge you to make the same commitment today.
I recommend the following life-changing, family modeling movies: “Courageous”, “Fireproof”,
“Flywheel” by the Kendrick Brothers, etc.
It's been my pleasure sharing this message with you. Hope the message was clear, simple and very
practical. Write down your action plans and start executing them as soon as you’re done writing.