Cea mai controversata luna de miere

de D. M. Larson

Personajele

(in ordinea aparitiei)

Pete: Un fericit tanar casatorit, al carui luna de miere va lua o intorsatura ciudata

May : logodnica lui Pete, care va avea o experieta similara

Doc: Un personaj ciudat care va deranja cuplul

John: Un barbat care, de asemenea, ii deranjeaza, diferenta este ca sotia lui are un copil

Maggie: Sotia lui John, care are un copil si nu este prea fericita de acest lucru

Frank, Eunice si Myrtle: trei hipioti dintr-un sat alaturat

Timp si spatiu

Sfarsitul lui decembrie, o cabana in munti

 Scena 1

(O dupa-amiaza inzapezita la sfarsitul lui decembrie. Luminile se aprind intr-o cabana rustica. Exista o intrare si un hol .
Se afla o masa, dar nu si scaune. Un covor. O zona care sugereaza un semineu aprins. Din intrare apar PETE si MAY)

PETE

Esti sigura ca aceasta e cheia?

MAY

Asa cred.

PETE

Nu intra.

MAY

Pai poate ca nu e cea buna.

PETE

Asta e cabana noastra?

MAY

Ba asta e. Vezi: #1

PETE

Dar nu intra cheia.

MAY

Poate ca a inghetat lacatul.

 PETE

Probabil.

MAY

E prea rece.

PETE

(o ia in brate pe MAY)

MAY

Nu eu. Gaura cheii. De la frig

(PETE sufla in lacat)

A fucntionat?

PETE

(mormaie )

Slipit bzele.

MAY

Ce?

PETE

(cu buzele pe lacat)

Mi s-au lipit buzele.

MAY

Glumesti?
 PETE

(se ridica si zambeste)

Glumesc.

(incearca cheia)

Hey, cred ca a avut efect!

(Intra. Luminile in scena sunt medii. Cauta un intrerupator)

Unde este intrerupatorul?

MAY

Habar n-am.

(Cauta. Ea gaseste un felinar)

Uite un felinar!

PETE

Presupun ca asta este lumina noastra.

(MAY aprinde felinarul cu niste chibrituri care sunt pe masa.

Se intensifica luminile in scena)

Am crezut ca locul asta beneficiaza de electricitate.

MAY

Ei bine, au spus “rustic”.

PETE

Au fost foarte seriosi .

MAY

(incercand sa fie pozitiva)

Deci, ce parere ai?

 PETE

Nu prea buna...

MAY

Oh haide, nu e atat de rau.

(PETE merge pe hol)

Acolo ce e?

PETE

Dormitorul …cred.

MAY

Crezi?

PETE

Nu am vazut niciodata un pat atat de… inclinat intr-o parte

(Isi inclina capul ca sa para ca se uita la un pat inclinat)

MAY

Poate ii lipseste un picior.

PETE

Trebuie sa fie destul de interesant sa dormi in el.

MAY

Cred ca e un fel de vibe din asta modern.

PETE

Daca e asa, cred ca e singurul lucru mai modern decat secolul XIX de pe aici.
 MAY

Vom gasi ceva sa punem sub piciorul lipsa. Va fi minunat!

PETE

(merge pe covor)

Asadar, unde este toaleta?

MAY

(arata catre ceea ce pare a fi o debara)

Alta usa nu mai e.

PETE

(se duce spre usa)

Ma intreb daca e dus sau cada.

MAY

Oh, sper ca e o cada. Tocmai ce am luat niste spuma din asta cu clabuci

PETE

(Deschide usa. Mopuri, maturi etc. cad pe el.

MAY chicoteste. PETE se uita la ea)

Nu e amuzant.

MAY

Imi pare rau.

PETE

Nu, nu iti pare.

 MAY

Da, cred ca ai dreptate.

PETE

Uh, May?

MAY

Da, Pete.

PETE

Cred ca nu avem toaleta. Exista doar doua usi si le-am incercat pe ambele

MAY

Parca au spus ca au cand am inchiriat chestia asta. Sunt sigura ca am intrebat, din moment ce ne aflam in munti, iar muntii
sunt departe de tot.

PETE

(se uita pe fereastra)

Am gasit-o.

MAY

Unde?

(PETE arata cu degetul spre fereastra)

Oh, nu nu nu. Nu o latrina Sunt foarte sigura ca au spus...

PETE

OH, de cand spun afaceristii adevarul? Orice le aduce lor bani…

MAY
 Poate ca am inteles noi gresit.

PETE

Sau poate ca nu. Ma intreb despre ce altceva au mai mintit.

MAY

(se duce la el)

Petey. Este luna noastra de miere. Nu poti sa te bucuri un pic de ea?

PETE

Okay. Presupun ca ma pot descurca cu o latrina cateva zile.

MAY

Multumesc.

PETE

Ma intorc.

(se indreapta spre iesire)

MAY

Priveste-o ca pe o aventura, dragul meu!

(PETE se gandeste cateva clipe la o replica de contrazicere, dar renunta. Iese)

Merg sa caut niste lemne pentru foc.

(vrea sa iasa, dar se opreste)

Sau poate ca ne putem incalzi si in alt fel .

(se duce in dormitor)

La naiba! Patul

(iese)
(May isi gaseste de treaba cu patul)

(Pauza. Se deschide usa. Un pustnic [Doc], intra)

 Oh, dragule, deja te-ai intors!

(Se uita imprejur, confuz)

Cum e focul?

PETE

Intra, il vede pe DOC. Se enerveaza)

Tu cine naiba esti ?!

MAY

(confuza)

Pete?

(se intoarce)

El cine e?!

PETE

Nu stiu.

(DOC se uita emotionat la amandoi)

Ei?

DOC

No hablo rumana.

PETE

Nostim. Dar nu arati a spaniol

DOC

No comprendo.

PETE
 No habla rumana? Yo hablo espanol tambien. Como esta?

DOC

(Se uita confuz la Pete in timp ce vorbeste)

Fir-ar. Deci stii spaniola?

MAY

Asadar, vorbesti romana.

DOC

Din pacate.

PETE

Acum, esti amabil sa ne spui si noua ce cauti in cabana noastra?

DOC

V-as putea intreba acelasi lucru

MAY

Am platit. Avem chitanta.

PETE

Cred ca tu esti cel care trebuie sa dea explicatii.

DOC

Cum vine asta?

PETE

(scos din sarite)

Ce faci in mijlocul muntilor, in plina iarna?

 DOC

Ce faceti voi aici?

MAY

Suntem in luna noastra de miere.

DOC

Oh. Tineri casatoriti. Ce dragut.

MAY

Multumim.

DOC

E un loc minunat pentru a-ti petrece luna de miere, nu-i asa?

MAY

Asa este.

PETE

(nervos)

Ai de gand sa –mi raspunzi la intrebari?!

DOC

Dar ce țâfnosi suntem.

PETE

Uite. Noi am inchiriat cabana asta. Tu nuIar in mod normal, oamenii nu dau buzna cand si unde vor.
 DOC

Am intrat aici pentru ca stiam ca proprietarul cabanelor nu are clienti pe timp de iarna. Si m-am gandit ca sunteti criminali
sau ceva.

MAY

Mie imi suna plauzibil.

PETE

Si de unde stim ca nu minte?

MAY

Pare destul de credibil.

PETE

Uita-te la el. Uita-te la boarfele de pe el. Mie numai credibil nu imi pare

DOC

N-am de gand sa stau sa fiu insultat in modul asta.

PETE

Oh, slava Domnului. Da-mi voie sa te poftesc catre usa.

MAY

Pete. Nu e deloc amabil.

DOC

Raul a fost facut facut, domnita. Nu cred ca exista altceva de facut in privinta asta.

(Se intoarce, dar nu iese inca)

MAY
 (Il ia pe Pete deoparte)

Pare un om bun. A avut intentii bune

(DOC trage cu urechea)

PETE

Dar ce cauta aici? Nici nu cred ca-si permite sa inchirieze vreo cabana.

DOC

Ai stiut ca sotul tau e atat de snob? Prima data imi jigneste hainele, acum imi pune la indoiala situatia financiara…

MAY

Are dreptate, Pete. Intotdeauna am stiut ca esti un pic cam încrezut… dar sa te apuci de jignit strainii...

PETE

încrezut?

DOC

N-ar trebui sa judeci oamenii dupa aparente. Poate ca sunt un guru bogat al calculatorelor caruia ii place sa mentina
contactil cu natura.

PETE

Deci esti bogat?

DOC

Conteaza? Sau tu bagi in seama doar bogatii?

MAY

Pete, iar esti snob.

PETE
Uite, incerc doar sa am o luna de miere romantica alaturi de noua mea sotie. Am condus pana acumm prin zapada, in inima
muntilor si am ramasa blocati de doua ori in timpul…

DOC

Did you know he was so whiney?

PETE

Ahh!

MAY

Look, let’s start over. Hello, I’m May and this is my husband Pete.

DOC

Nice to meet you both. My name’s Doc.

PETE

(Mumbles)

Yes, nice to meet you.

MAY

There. That’s better.

PETE

Doc huh? So you’re a doctor or one of the seven dwarves?

MAY

Pete. Please be nice.

PETE

Sorry. I was trying to be funny. But when I’m tired and cranky it comes out mean. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
 DOC

Actually I am a doctor.

MAY

See, Pete. He doesn’t look like a doctor but he is one.

PETE

Wow, I’m proven wrong once again. I stand corrected. I wish I could sit corrected but there isn’t much to sit on.

DOC

Oh, I moved most the furniture over to my cabin.

PETE

Could we maybe get some of it back?

DOC

Sure, no problem…

(Pause and looks worried)

MAY

Is there something wrong?

DOC

I kind of lost the key to my cabin and I’m locked out.

MAY

How horrible. How long have you been locked out?

 DOC

Not too long. I was pretty lucky you showed up. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

MAY

I’ll bet you’re cold. I wish we had something.

DOC

I think all these cabins have the same kitchen supplies. I’ve used up all of them in a couple of these… I mean, I’ve stayed in
the cabins many times and they’re all stocked the same. I’ll go whip us up some cocoa.

(Exits)

MAY

He’s so nice.

PETE

I don’t know, May. I have a bad feeling about this guy. His story doesn’t add up. No key…

MAY

He locked himself out.

PETE

Using up all the supplies in a couple of cabins…

MAY

He explained that.

PETE

There’s no way that guy is a doctor…

MAY
 Mother knew this would happen.

PETE

Your mother? What did she say would happen?

MAY

She said the minute we got married you’d get all weird.

PETE

She… what? I’m not getting weird.

MAY

You’re acting so paranoid. I’ve never seen you like this.

PETE

May, please. I’m tired and hungry and I’m in the same mountains where the Donner Party spent the winter. Of course I’m
acting a little weird.

MAY

I feel terrible. I was hoping for a romantic get-away and now we’re fighting instead and I’ve ruined everything.

(Starts crying)

PETE

You haven’t ruined everything. This is romantic.

MAY

But you haven’t kissed me once since we’ve been here…

PETE

I’m sorry.
 (Hugs her)

It’s just hard with the seventh dwarf hanging around.

MAY

A hug is nice.

PETE

Why don’t we see if we can get rid of Dopey and we’ll see if we can’t find that romance we were hoping for.

MAY

Okay, but please be nice about it.

PETE

I shall try to have proper English manners.

DOC

(Enters)

Hot chocolate will be ready soon.

PETE

Hot? I didn’t see a stove.

DOC

They have camp stoves in the cabinets.

MAY

That’s good news.

DOC
 I can whip us up some grub too.

PETE

No, that’s okay. Why don’t we see if we can help you get back into your cabin. I’m sure you’d like to get back to your…
solitude.

DOC

No, I’m happy visiting with you folks. It gets kind of lonely up here.

(PETE gives MAY a look)

MAY

Uh, Doc. Pete and I are kind of on our honeymoon see and…

DOC

Oh… I see.

(Kind of hurt)

Well… I understand. I better get going then. I think I can squeeze down the chimney of my cabin. I haven’t tried that yet. It
looks like it might be big enough. Could you do me a favor though? If you hear screaming, could you come help me get
unstuck.

(MAY starts to object but PETE stops her)

PETE

Sure, no problem.

DOC

Well, it’s been good meeting you folks. Have a good honeymoon. I’ll try my best not to both you. I’ll even leave the lights off
so you can feel like you’re all alone out here. Some people like to feel alone…

(Heads for door)

PETE

Okay, then. See you later.

 MAY

(Aside to PETE)

Oh, come on, Pete. Look how lonely he is.

(DOC slows his walk toward the door)

PETE

You’re going to bring home stray dogs aren’t you?

MAY

At least let him stay for cocoa.

PETE

Hey, Doc. At least have that cocoa before you go.

DOC

(Brightens)

And cookies. There are some cookies in there too. They’re great with cocoa.

(Exits)

PETE

Promise me you’ll get him out of here after the cocoa.

MAY

I promise.

(Hugs him)

I want to be alone as bad as you do, you know.

PETE
 Let me go out and get our bags before it gets too late.

MAY

Good idea. Then we’ll send Doc on his way and it’s just the two of us for the entire weekend.

(Knock at the door)

PETE

Oh, no.

MAY

Who can that be?

PETE

I thought this was supposed to be in the middle of nowhere.

(Opens door and snow is falling. JOHN rushes in with MAGGIE who is very pregnant and in labor)

What the…

JOHN

Thank goodness somebody is here.

MAY

(To MAGGIE)

Are you okay?

MAGGIE

Do I look okay?

(Labor pain)

Ahhh!
 PETE

You’re not… I mean… What’s wrong?

MAGGIE

What do you mean what’s wrong? What does it look like?

PETE

Well… I mean. You uh…

MAGGIE

I what? Had a basketball shoved up my butt? I’m having a baby you idiot!

(Labor pain)

Ahh!

JOHN

The contractions are getting closer together.

PETE

You’re having a baby now?

MAGGIE

No, next Tuesday. Yes, I’m having it now!

MAY

What can we do?

JOHN

Uh… boil some water. Isn’t that what they always do in the movies?
 DOC

Water’s hot. Cocoa will be ready soon.

MAGGIE

Ahhh!

DOC

What’s going on?

PETE

She’s having a basketball.

DOC

What?

MAY

We’re going to need that hot water. And clean towels.

MAGGIE

Isn’t there anywhere to sit down?

MAY

There’s a bed in here.

MAGGIE

John. Bed. Now.

PETE

That would have been sexy in another context.

 MAY

I’ll take you.

(Exits with MAGGIE)

DOC

I’ll get the water and towels.

(Exits behind them)

PETE

I can’t imagine better birth control on a honeymoon than a pregnant woman in labor.

JOHN

You’re on your honeymoon too?

PETE

You guys just got married? Was this a shotgun wedding?

JOHN

Not exactly. We decided to get married when she started to show. I didn’t know she was pregnant until then. And I did
want to marry her so it was a good excuse.

PETE

How did she hide it from you that long?

JOHN

Well, we met only about a month before that. And planning the wedding took about five months. You know how mother’s
are… so…
 PETE

Wait a minute. I’m doing the math here. She’s about 9 months along and the wedding took five months to plan and you met
a month before that… You’re not…

JOHN

No, I’m not the father.

PETE

Dang… really? So who is?

JOHN

I don’t know.

PETE

You don’t?

JOHN

She won’t tell me.

PETE

And you’re okay with this?

JOHN

I really love her. Once she told me she was pregnant she told me she’d understand if I wanted to leave her. But I refused
because I’ve never met anyone like her before and I’ve never been with anyone who has made me so happy. Then when
she wouldn’t tell me who the father was, she thought for sure I would leave her and that’s when I proposed.

PETE

And my wife thinks I’m weird.

JOHN
I knew I shouldn’t have planned the honeymoon for now. I thought it was early enough but I guess not. We should be at a
hospital, not in the mountains.

(DOC enters all nervous)

PETE

Lucky for you we have a doctor.

JOHN

That’s great.

DOC

I’ve never delivered a baby before.

PETE

You must have learned about it in school?

DOC

Not really.

PETE

So what kind of doctor are you? Veterinarian? Ph. D? Witch Doctor?

DOC

I’m Doc the Tree Doctor.

JOHN

Hey, I’ve heard of you. You did those commercials. The ones where you skipping through the woods touching dead trees
and they sprang to life.

DOC
 I’m retired now.

PETE

I don’t suppose helping seeds germinate is anything like delivering babies.

MAGGIE

(Off)

Ahh!

MAY

(Enters)

Doc! I think she’s ready.

JOHN

Ready? Now?

(Runs off)

MAGGIE

(Off)

Get away from me!

(Pans are tossed and fly onstage with JOHN reentering)

JOHN

But I didn’t even get her pregnant.

MAY

She’s not real fond of men in general right now.

DOC
 Then I better not go in there.

MAY

But we need a doctor.

PETE

I’m afraid the only thing Doc is delivery is a sapling.

MAGGIE

(Off. Voice sweet now)

Johnny. I need you.

JOHN

Dare I go in again?

PETE

It might be a ploy.

(Picks up pan and puts in on JOHN’s head like a helmet)

You better wear protection. Wait.

(Puts a smaller metal plate down the front of his pants)

Now you’re set.

MAGGIE

(Off. Mad)

John!

JOHN

Coming.

(Exits)
 MAGGIE

(Off. Angry)

Where’s that doctor?!

PETE

You’re being paged, Doc.

MAY

I’m sorry I told her about you. I thought you were a real doctor.

DOC

Now you’re sounding like a snob.

MAY

Get in there or I’ll stuff you up our chimney.

DOC

I’m going. I’m going.

(Rushes off)

PETE

Wow, May. Where did that come from?

MAY

And you shut up.

(Exits)

PETE
 Oh, this has just been a great honeymoon.

(Knock at door)

Now what?

(Goes to door)

I need to sue this cabin owner for false advertising. Rustic and remote my foot. I’ve seen fewer people at a Vanilla Ice
concert.

(Opens the door and FRANK, EUNICE and MYRTLE. They look like hippies)

Can I help you?

FRANK

We sensed a disturbance in the fabric of life.

PETE

Oh, great. Star Wars fans.

EUNICE

A war in the stars? How horrible. I know the world outside was much worse than you thought.

PETE

Who are you people?

MYRTLE

We are from the Guiding Star Commune.

PETE

Oh, great. Hippies.

FRANK

Hippies?
 EUNICE

We have rejected all things “hip.”

MYRTLE

We are children of the stars.

EUNICE

And the stars brought us here tonight.

PETE

Lucky me.

MAGGIE

(Off)

Ahhh!

(Crash)

I thought you said you were a doctor?!

DOC

(Rushes out. Looks ill)

We have a problem.

MAGGIE

(Off)

Where’s going? Ahh!

FRANK

Is she having a baby?

 PETE

Or a basketball. I don’t think we ever worked that out.

DOC

I can’t do this. I gotta go. It was lovely meeting you.

PETE

What’s wrong?

DOC

I saw the head and I… I don’t feel so good…

(Rushes outside)

EUNICE

Lucky for you Myrtle here delivers babies all the time.

MYRTLE

Frank. You have the usual plants I need?

(FRANK pulls some pouches out of his pockets and holds them up)

If he saw the head this should be a piece of cake. Coming, dear.

(MYRTLE and FRANK exit)

EUNICE

We handle all our own medical needs on the commune. All of us were born there.

PETE

No hospitals?

EUNICE
Our elders studies all the ancient wisdom of the past and passed along that knowledge to their children.

PETE

Where’d they learn it? The Amazon? Africa?

EUNICE

Harvard.

(Baby crying is heard)

PETE

That was quick.

EUNICE

Myrtle is the best.

(Heads off)

Let me see that new glowing spirit among us.

MAY

(Comes out)

Oh, Pete. You’ve got to see this. It’s so beautiful.

(They walk to doorway to see and hold each other happily)

PETE

This has got to be the weirdest honeymoon ever.

END OF PLAY