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You are here: Home / Interpersonal Relations / How To See The Good In Other People

How To See The Good In Other People

January 14, 2013 by Mikey D 23 Comments

Last week, I wrote a post about how to give great compliments to other people. Here is an important excerpt:

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“As you become more proficient in finding positive aspects in other people, you get better at seeing positive aspects of yourself.”

Seeing the good in other people is not just necessary for giving good compliments; it also substantially improves your own happiness!

Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to see the good in others.

We are familiar with the atrocities that many humans have been involved in, be they genocide, war, murder, child molestation, pyramid schemes, etc.

Plus, we’ve all been wronged numerous times. It’s hard to see the good in someone when they just lied to you or cheated on you.

To make matters worse, your own brain is conspiring against you! We have an intrinsic “negativity bias”, or tendency to focus on and give more weight to negative
experiences or information instead of positive ones.

A common example of the negativity bias would be our relationship with dogs. Almost everyone has had many great experiences with dogs throughout their lives. But if
you were bitten or attacked by a dog, you are likely to be scared of them for the rest of your life because you focus on the one negative experience instead of the many more
pleasant ones.

It turns out that the negativity bias is so ingrained in our psychology that it has already developed and become measurable by time you turn seven months old1!

Clearly, seeing the positive attributes in others is an uphill battle.

But it can be done, with a little bit of work. And as I already pointed out, it is worthwhile if only to help see the good in yourself.

Your Labels Aren’t Real

Are there “good” people and “bad” people? Can some people be “cruel”? Is anyone really “empathetic” or “fun” or “funny”?

These words are all labels. They take a complex array of behaviors, character traits, and attitudes, and simplify them down to a single word or phrase.

While labels are very helpful for communicating, their simplicity changes the meaning of a person’s behaviors.

You might think of a thief as a “bad” person. I would tend to agree.

But what if that thief is a Robin Hood type character who steals from the rich and gives to the poor? Or what if the thief is himself poor and steals just enough to feed his
starving family?

I’m not arguing here that those are morally acceptable reasons for stealing. My point is that calling them a “bad” person is a bit premature. It’s just not that simple.

Remember, these labels are not intrinsic features of a person; they are merely creations of the mind to help describe them.

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Instead of considering your labels of others as the final word on the matter, challenge them.

After labeling someone, ask yourself: “Were they like this yesterday?” If not, then why would they be like that tomorrow?

If yes, then ask yourself: “Am I taking a one sided view of this person? Are there other people out there who might look at them differently?”

Before you can consciously look for the good in others, you must understand the subjectivity of labels. As you practice challenging these labels, it becomes easier to see
people however you want to see them (i.e., more positively).

Your Basic Social Skills

There are three very simple social skills that will help you see the good in others. They might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how often you don’t do some of these
things.

1. Slow Down And Be Curious About Others

Don’t rush into making judgments about other people.

Take your time and gather some information about them first.

You should enter your interactions with an open mind, curious to find the positive attributes that the other person possesses.

Wouldn’t you prefer to be interacting with a person who you actually like?

In order to see the good in other people, you need to look for it.

This takes both patience and a curious mind that is ready to accept the good attributes of others.

2. Look Them In The Eyes

This used to be a huge problem for me, and I wasn’t even aware of it for years.

As soon as I started making stronger eye contact with people, the world opened up to me. It was like I had been blind and could suddenly see.

Eye contact is an important part of your social skills toolkit for countless reasons. It is practically a prerequisite for finding the positives in other people.

When you look someone in the eyes, you stay focused on that person rather than the multitude of distractions in your head and in your environment.

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Not only that, but it helps you build a connection with that person. You’d better believe that will help you see them in a more positive light.

3. Smile At Them
Usually, they will smile back.

And when they do, you immediately have good things about them (nice smile, friendly, positive attitude, etc.). That was easy.

Smiling puts you in a good mood, and will make the other person like you more.

When you feel good, it is far easier to see the good in others. And if they like you, they are more inclined to show you the positive aspects of them.

Smiling greases the wheels of this whole process.

By neglecting to smile when you talk to other people, you give up one of the easiest things you can do to help you see the good in others and have a positive interaction with
them.

More “Advanced” Techniques For Seeing The Good In Others

The social skills mentioned above are a fantastic starting point. But by themselves, they don’t guarantee that you will find positive attributes in others.

That’s where the following techniques come in. These require somewhat more work, but they are incredibly powerful.

1. Find The Positive Intention Behind Every Action

Underlying every human action is a positive intention.

This may be hard to believe, especially considering the atrocities that I mentioned above. But even behind those horrible actions, there was a positive intention.

Before you start yelling at me, let me clarify.

A positive intention doesn’t have to be altruistic. For example, wanting to feel good is a positive intention even though it doesn’t help others.

If you dig deep enough, you can see the positive intention behind each and every action. The actor is still responsible for their action, and the positive intention doesn’t
imply that the action they took was the correct or most effective one.

You don’t have to believe that this is true.

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But since you can’t prove that it is right or wrong, why not “try” believing it if it could be useful to you? Whether or not it is objectively correct that there is a positive
intention behind every action, you should behave “as if” this were true.

From now on, try to find and become aware of the positive intentions underlying everything that everyone does.

It’s rarely obvious what their positive intention is. That’s ok. You just need to accept that there is one and you will be more tolerant of other peoples’ “bad” behavior (i.e.,
less affected by it. Again, their action need not be moral or effective).

An exercise to help you start thinking this way is to have a conversation with one of your close friends or family members, and become aware of their positive intentions.
You already like them, so this should be easy. How does it feel to be with this person while you consider their positive intentions?

The next step is to notice the positive intentions of strangers. You don’t even have to interact with them; people watching is good enough. You’ll find that many strangers act
out of a desire to do a good job, to be fair, to be kind, or any number of other positive reasons.

The final, most challenging step is to find the positive intentions in people who you don’t like very much. Even when they are annoying, you can think of possible positive
intentions behind the way they act.

This is such a powerful concept, because it allows you to reframe anything into something positive.

2. Forgive Others For Their Actions

It’s rarely easy to forgive someone who has wronged you.

But you must be able to let go if you ever want to see the good in that person.

Don’t stop at forgiving just the people who have wronged you; forgive everyone for their actions.

And don’t forget what is possibly the hardest thing of all: forgiving yourself.

Knowing that there is a positive intention behind every action makes forgiveness a much easier pill to swallow.

3. Use Your Reticular Activating System (RAS)

Your RAS is the part of your brain that controls and directs attention. It is an unconscious “filter” that picks out bits of information that your conscious mind finds
important.

When you focus your attention on something, your RAS looks for information that reinforces whatever you have directed your attention to. If you hold a particular belief,
your RAS finds evidence to support the belief.

If you start looking for good attributes in other people, your RAS will do its best to find them. You don’t really need to do anything except look for the good in others, and
you are already more likely to find it.

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But you can speed this process along by taking advantage of this system.

Pick a belief about someone that you want to adopt. For example, that Person A is a good human being. Carry around a piece of paper with you. Any time you notice any
evidence to support this belief, write it down. Then at the end of the day, review all the evidence you have found.

Don’t underestimate the power of this exercise. There is no quicker way to “install” a new belief into your head than this.

Conclusion
Seeing the good in other people is a challenging pursuit, but well worth the effort.

Basic social skills like smiling and maintaining eye contact will help.

But to truly succeed here you should start noticing the positive intentions underlying peoples’ actions and forgive them for these actions.

The fastest way to do this is to take advantage of your reticular activating system and look for evidence that other people possess good qualities.

When you start putting these ideas into practice, you will have a much more positive view of the people around you, and you will notice more of these positive attributes in
yourself.

Undoubtedly, you will be far happier because of your efforts.

Do you have any more advice on how to see the good in other people?

Footnotes:

1. https://docs.google.com/viewer?
a=v&q=cache:CRnozTfMgzIJ:www.researchgate.net/publication/5407136_Not_all_emotions_are_created_equal_the_negativity_bias_in_social-
emotional_development/file/79e41506c63f3cbad2.pdf+negativity+bias&hl=en&gl=il&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEEShbeq_ginoqRR06TJA06QDZxpvhf6ED2VSdSdTRjyRviC83-
0Un8cU0jDYq-kLjtC9Ekv0firIMHarWBZvQ9ZR5A14kp368K0QSahUvw_X6RXxIAemrPJuG8OLFkpewMtXML0Ep&sig=AHIEtbRDzqgik6XpxfEy5zNsG_OnIZQn8g

photo by: country_boy_shane

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Filed Under: Interpersonal Relations

Comments

1. Niamh says:
March 29, 2013 at 10:22 pm

I like your mention of finding the positive intention behind every action. This definitely works for me.

I’ve also learnt to remind myself that I don’t know their full story. I recently came across the saying “Don’t judge my story based on the chapter you happened to walk
in on.” Even when you know someone well, you can’t assume to know what’s going on in their head or heart – or life – at any given point in time.

I also find that if I am bothered by someone’s behaviour, realising that it’s probably not directed at me, but rather an expression of how they’re feeling at that point in
time, helps me to see the situation from a more objective standpoint.

Thanks for the great posts!

Reply

Mikey D says:
March 30, 2013 at 4:32 pm

Thank you for the comment!

The quote you gave here is very good, I’ve never heard that one before. And that’s an important point that you shouldn’t make assumptions about people, even
those you know. Even when you know someone very well, you can’t recreate their experience perfectly.

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 Usually peoples’ behavior has nothing to do with you. That’s why it is very important not to take things personally.

Reply

AF says:
December 5, 2013 at 9:47 pm

How do you go un disturbed in this world we are living? Why do conflict exist? How to we see good in others?

It’s true, everybody is affected by others’ actions and behaviours. It happens so quickly sometimes, that we don’t have enought time to think and the
reactions from us come out so fast causing a lot of conflicts.

I personally don’t think it’s about the label. I think it’s the instant action and behaviour we see from somebody, which may be sometime from a member
of our own family, or sometime from a complete stranger.

The trick I think will be to understand that when it will happen, our mind won’t be in control of itself.

We need to be in control. In control of what? In control of ourselves to accept other people’s rudeness, stupidity, unfaithfulness, and etc…

What should we do when we see the above is happening like a flash to our mind in the present time? I will happen like an enlightenment!

Just know that if you react to it, it won’t cause the person doing it any harm, but instead it will give him or her more ammunition to fight you back with
more words, arguments, wasting your time and filling your mind with lots of negativity.

I am trying, I will keep trying, I hope it will be beneficial for me and may be for you, if you see the world and people the way I see it and try to practice a
few things together.

So, I was saying how do you protect yourself and get out of there without getting yourself wounded or mentally disturbed?

First, Understand that you are in a war field, the enemies are there to cause you harm, may steal your possessions, they can make you lose your job, they
can provoke you to do something that you had never expected of becoming and may also kill you on the spot.

It’s not a matter to win or to lose my friend. It about to go without allowing the action or the bad behaviour to appear bad to the eyes of the doer.

The doer should not feel that something bad has just happened, you should leave just as normal, but only you know what you have done.

You have kept a smile on your face, you got control of you mind quickly, you have been patient, co-orperative, tolerant, bit you tongue and left by saying
a few nice words like; ok, I am very sorry about that, it won’t happen again, ok, see you later and have a good day or simple, no problem.

No further problem caused by you. You asset is still there, your job is still there, he or she did not kill you, you were not angry, he will not be revenging at
you in the future, and you are happy.

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 It’s not your problem if he is like that, you do not correct people, but you know how to live with them and that is a skill!

Reply

Mikey D says:
December 6, 2013 at 4:33 am

Thank you for the comment! I agree with most of what you said, particularly about remaining in control of your emotions and your response to a
given situation. However, I think that looking at the world as though you are in a war zone is overly negative (unless of course, you are in a real
war zone). The fact is, most people out there are good people, or at the very least well-intentioned. Why not look at the world more positively and
then when people do bad things, look at it as the exception rather than the rule?

Reply

2. Kirsty says:
August 24, 2013 at 6:34 am

Recently I read Marianne Williamson’s book A Return To Love which suggested a helpful way to forgive someone and that was to pray every day (for 30 days) for
their happiness and that a miracle would happen – either you will change how you feel about them or they will change in how they respond to you. I did this recently
(and I’m not religious) with my mother and it worked! I forgave her, I felt compassion for her and was able to see more positive qualities in her which has helped
make me a more loving person.

Reply

Mikey D says:
August 25, 2013 at 8:12 pm

That’s definitely a good idea! I’ve never done it for 30 days, but if I think something negative about someone, I’ll try to change it to something more forgiving
or reframe it to something positive. It’s not easy, but it absolutely works. Thank you!

Reply

3. openeyedamerican says:
October 24, 2014 at 5:27 pm

This is a very timely read, and profound message with all the violence across USA today. People are so quick to “judge” the kids that are involved in shootings in
schools or otherwise, wrongly coming to conclusion that “boys are more violent minded than girls (wrong!), or that the boy that shot 20 little kids in an elementary

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 school was a “bad person”. No recognition that he too was a victim of the deeply ingrained cultural negative influencers causing such violence. We are a violence-for-
profit culture. The real “bad people”, namely, our politicians, military contractors, religiously radical “duty to God & country” spinners, toy makers that wrongly
target market boys with violent toys, and even the followers of such “logic” due to being conditioned by media owned & controlled by war profiteers as well as the
corrupt political/economic system within, get unnoticed. People are so insular and lacking in humility, they would even go so far as saying “thank God he killed
himself”, with no humanitarian care about what would cause a 20 year old kid to do such a thing. No research on fact he used his mother’s military grade weapons she
hoarded in her house, no critical thinking of how he was addicted to the sick video game “Call of Duty” which should be taken off our market, no ability to think
analytically of how USA spends more than half the world combined on war/weapons and market spins it to the people as “protecting freedom and security”. If we
start target marketing Barbie dolls as JI Jane’s with her leg blown off, military fatigues on, jumping into her army tank to drive off to her military base rather than her
dreamhouse, perhaps we will see more young woman shooting people as well. the “bad people”, as it turns out, just might be within the souls of anyone reading my
post and thinking me a “bad person”, rather than look at the masks or morality our culture within dishes out.

Reply

Mikey D says:
October 24, 2014 at 7:04 pm

Thanks for the comment! My only possible response is to point you to this brilliant article on the subject.

Reply

openeyedamerican says:
October 24, 2014 at 11:45 pm

Thanks for the article, Mikey D. It is well written. Yet, I personally feel it loses the vital cause of why so many unhappy, disenfranchised, angry people
within USA, which is our CULTURE itself of irelevant revenge, violence for profit, people pointing fingers to “bad guys”, rather than looking within our
very own political/economic model at the drivers seat. Another responder on this thread mentions the world is a “war zone”, and guess what? USA is a
war torn country today, self destructing like all empires did before it. Our culture is paranoid, delusional, revengful, hateful, fed by media manipulation
and false fear tactics…and THAT is what makes people unhappy. That is not a negative viewpoint, its reality. I feel positive and happy deep down within
my soul by helping others. I volunteer in schools, help pick up the environment, coach kids tennis, coach kids writing skills, see the beauty in people all
around me. When people chant negative marketing slogans of horrific violence-for-profit culture, namley the Military Cancer spreading like a tumor
through our nation, they could not possibly be happy people trying to see the good in others. They have fallen submissive in mind, body and soul to the
irrelveant revenge, misplaced anger of the sick war machine. Google “YouTube Military Cancer” and watch the brilliantly done video on this topic.
Explains WHY we have school shootings far more clearly than that article. Its our culture within causing it.

Reply

Mikey D says:
October 29, 2014 at 4:16 am

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 I do agree that our culture has led to the increase in school shootings. I also agree with much of what you’ve said in general, but I don’t agree that
this culture is a strong causative factor in people being unhappy. While huge numbers may have the deluded belief that violence is good (at least
when done in an ‘official’ capacity), I just don’t see the connection with them being unhappy.

Reply

openeyedamerican says:
October 29, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Mikey D– I personally believe that we simply dont WANT to see the direct connection of so many unhappy Americans with our violence-
for-profit culture itself, it is too deep or scary for many so hence we rather hide behind the puppy tent of childhood belief that America is the
“greatest country on Earth”. I find my happiness in living in the moment, yet thinking forward for a better way for our nation by doing good
for others. Living in my happy place by sking, laughing with my child, volunteering in schools–constructive things and thoughts. Those that
embrace culture of irelevant revenge, nationalism, militarism, imperialism as the “norm” could not possibly have learned to truly Live, Love
and Laugh inside, even if seen doing so on outside. They have a quiet anger and rage enabled by our media marketing machine driving our
destructive war machine. I do not see anyone whom, despite USA being at perpetual self destructive war for over 12 years, yet chanting
“thank you to our troops” on Veterans day as a happy person, point blank. They are stuck in a negative rut of cognitive dissonance, beliving
there is a REASON for those girls and bigger gulp boys to be put into that situation to begin with. They fail to rise above and think critially,
analytically, rationally or constructively. Happy people work and think towards positive areas such as clean air, clean water, improved
education, infrastructure and have learned from yesterday, live for today with concern and love for our next generation.

4. Marcia says:
June 26, 2016 at 6:26 pm

One of my Aunts, and Uncles are so like this, in their positive outlook on others, its like they treated people as they could be, always seeing the best in them, and It
has encouraged me to be more than I am. It is always easier to think the negative, I am most miserable then, and see that the most critical people I know are also the
most messerable, while its difficult to think the best of others, it is worth it thanks for the article, a good reminder.

Reply

Mikey D says:
June 27, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Thanks for the comment, Marcia. It’s definitely more pleasant to assume the best about others, even though it isn’t easy.

Reply

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