TOWARDS A BETTER PARENT-TEENAGER RELATIONSHIP…

Many parents approach raising teenagers as an ordeal, believing they can only watch
helplessly as their lovable children transform into unpredictable monsters. They have
problems with different aspects of their teenagers’ lifestyles because they do not
understand what changes or pressure teenagers face within. The teenage years can be
difficult for parents and teens alike.

Wikipedia describes a ‘teenager’, or ‘teen’ as a person who falls within the ages of 13-
19 years old. The word teenager is another word for an adolescent and as such, can
be used interchangeably. The teenage or adolescent stage of life is generally known to
be a period of stress and turmoil. While some children pass this period without many
problems, quite a number have a bag full of them.

Generally speaking, parents fall into three categories with regards to how they relate
with their teens. The first group of parents appreciate the peculiarity of their
teenagers. They know their teens help to cope with the pressure faced, but, they lack
knowledge on how best to help. Some of these parents usually run to their pastors,
who are most likely to offer spiritual advice only – ignoring the physical, emotional,
vocational, mental and personal-social areas of life. There is the second category of
parents who see stress and turbulence in their teens as outright rebellion and
foolishness. They do all sorts of things to suppress them, to the extent of meting out ill-
treatments to their teens. Unfortunately, these only worsen the matter. Of course, there
is the third group of parents who are well exposed about the teenage stage of life and
strive to do their best for their children.

A Focus on Parents: The Starting Point

Parents have an important role to play in the upbringing of their teenagers. A critical
requirement usually taken for granted in parenthood is maturity in five broad areas:
Physical, Spiritual, Mental, Emotional and Social areas. You would agree, that if there
were to be an exam to test these parameters in parents, many would re-sit the exams
again, and again.
A good place to start in raising a sound teenager as a parent is to objectively examine
your life. This could reveal a lot of selfishness, fears, false assumptions leading to
misguided actions, all aimed at protecting your own interests, at times at the expense
of your teenager(s).

Going forward, let’s take a look at how parents can work towards better relationships
with their teenage children.

 Understand Your Teenager: As a parent, you must have a good

understanding of your teen and his (or her) needs before you can handle him (or
her) properly and meet those needs. A lot of tension and confusion can be
lessened when parents are clearer about why their teenagers act the way they
do. Read books about teenagers. Don’t pester your teens, but show curiosity and
ask them about their interests, friends, goals and dreams. Show them
unconditional love regardless of their behavior per time. Understand the
transformations they go through physically, intellectually, socially, emotionally
and spiritually. The goal is to have as much knowledge of them as you can.
Think back on your own teen years and empathize with them. Parents who know
what is coming can cope with it better; and the more you know, the better you
can prepare.
 Learn to Effectively Communicate With Your Teenager. Communication is
the foundation for peaceful coexistence whenever two or more people have to
stay together. Tell your teens that you love them no matter what happens. Let
them know exactly what you expect them to do and not do. Listen actively to
them. While their problems may sound trivial to you, they feel big to your teen.
Have regular and frequent conversations with your child. Talking together should
be a daily activity. Talk to kids early and often. Answer questions they have
about their bodies. The earlier you open the lines of communication, the better
your chances of keeping them through the teen years. Don’t avoid the subjects
of sex and drugs, alcohol or tobacco use. Discussing tough topics openly with
teens before they are exposed to them makes it easier for them to act
 responsibly when the time comes. Whether it’s drugs, driving or premarital sex,
they need to know the worst that could happen. Share your values with your
teen and talk about what you believe is right and wrong, and why.
 Respect Your Teenagers’ Privacy. Now, parents, don’t fret about this! It’s
understood that you may have a very hard time with this one. But, granting
some privacy helps your teen become a young adult. Give them independence
and privacy, and learn to accept their changes while remaining supportive. Your
teenager’s room, texts, e-mails and phone calls should be private. Start with
trust. Tell your teen that you trust him. If he isn’t talking to you or wants to
spend less time with you, don’t take it personally. Instead, see it as a
developmental stage. However, you get the final say in their activities and should
look out for their safety.
 Discipline, Not Punish! Discipline is about teaching and correcting
wrongdoings, not punishing or controlling your teen. Treat him as a teenager,
not as a child nor an adult. Discuss acceptable behaviours and consequences for
acting in unacceptable ways. In other words, set rules and disciplinary measures.
Keep your rules short and to the point. It is important that you avoid setting
rules your teen cannot possibly follow.
It is also worthy to note that when disciplining, you should reprimand bad
behavior – not the teenager. Discipline isn’t disrespecting or embarrassing the
teenager. Again, don’t discipline when angry so you’ll be reasonable and fair.
 Set a Positive Example: Children generally, are more likely to copy actions
from parents, than carry out instructions given by word of mouth. Parents should
not let their actions contradict rules they set for their children. Show your child
how to cope with stress in positive ways. Try as much as possible to be a good
model and rest assured, that your teen will likely follow your lead.
 Build Positive Family Relationships with Your Teenager: This can be done
through family meals, family outings, one-on-one time, celebrating
accomplishments, sharing household responsibilities, agreed-on family rules,
 family meetings among others. Building family relationships help the teen grow
up to have tremendous positive self-esteem with great sense of belonging.

You can trust that the things discussed are fundamental to building and sustaining
better parent-teenager relationships.

Get professional help for your teens if they exhibit extreme behaviours. If the problem
is health wise, please seek a physician’s help. If behavioural, or should you have
concerns about their mental health, talk to a Counsellor or therapist about it. And, if
you feel your family isn’t really connecting, you might extra support by finding a Family
Counsellor. A healthy relationship is vital between parents and their teenagers if such
parents want to strongly influence the kind of adults their teens eventually become.