Ham Radio Humor PDF

7/4/2019 HAM RADIO HUMOR
N4UJW Ham Radio Humor ?
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I am not a turkey, I'm a ham!
HEARD ON 2O METERS
"Yesterday, my XYL said she'd leave me if I didn't give up ham radio. Over."
DO NOT CLICK HERE!
Hi and welcome to my ham radio humor page. I will show you around this page
that contains a bit of ham radio humor but first you need to remember that you
had a sked 29 minutes ago with a rare DX station on 20 meters and you were to
call the XYL to remind her to remind you to remind her so she would not forget
to call you about whatever it was that you had forgotten to tell her mother, but
you just remembered that you had forgotten to pay the phone bill and the
telephone company did not forget that you forgot....so they cut you off!!!
I forgot what I was going to say to you about this page...maybe you can
remember to remind me!!!
To find me, just tune your VFO to 14.313MHz, I am there shooting Skip......
again....
I tried once before but he survived!
www.hamuniverse.com/humor.html 1/12
THE HAMMOBILE HAS LANDED!
Click the picture for a description of the Hammobile and listen to real recorded
audio transmissions from it!
Then come back here for more ham radio humor!
HOW TO COOK A HAM

(SCROLL DOWN FOR INSTRUCTIONS)
INGREDIENTS:
1 ea HAM RADIO OPERATOR FULLY SEASONED,
WITH A TECH, GENERAL OR HIGHER LICENSE
1 ea PARABOLIC REFLECTOR (100 FT DIAMETER)
1ea 1 MEGAWATT TRANSMITTER
1ea FCC (EXPERIMENTAL PERMIT)
1ea POUND BROWN SUGAR
PROCEDURE:
PLACE 1 ea HAM INTO MAIN LOBE OF DISH AT THE FOCAL POINT AS IN PICTURE
BELOW AND SECURE WELL.
BREAK, BREAK, BREAK!
COVER HIM WELL WITH BROWN SUGAR...
(It is sometimes best to start with a coating of honey)
TUNE TRANSMITTER TO 100GHZ FM,
APPLY FULL POWER UNTIL EYES OF HAM

START GLOWING GREEN....
MOVE BACK...THERE WILL BE YELLING AND SCREAMING! (Protect your ears!)
....CONTINUE RADIATING UNTILL HE YELLS

I'M QRT!
(Recipe courtesy of a Freebander who failed his Tech exam!
(Editors note)
ANY COOKING INSTRUCTIONS ON THIS PAGE SHOULD BE DONE
UNDER THE SUPERVISION OF AN AMATEUR RADIO OPERATOR HOLDING
AT LEAST AN EXTRA CALL SIGN OVER AN OPEN FLAME FOR TEN MINUTES
OR UNTIL THE BAND CHANGES! ALL COOKING PROCEDURES SHOULD ONLY BE DONE
USING NEW FINAL TUBES!
....BONE A PAH TEET!....
Ham Radio Operator K7AGE Receives Mars Photo
Ham Radio Operator Receives Strange Signals and Pictures from Mars Lander!
One radio ham calls the emergency net: "Help, please, my friend and I were shooting lions in
the mountins and suddenly I heard a shot and when I turned back see my friend laying on the
ground, still and bleeding...I got on the radio and said, "Send us a hellicopter. This is urgent
and an emergency please..." - The man in charge asks, "Is he dead or alive?"
I replied, "Ok I'm not sure, but, please, send the chopper right now."
The radio operator on the net replied, "Let me explain to you, sir; the chopper squad is very
expensive, so we send them only for injured people, not dead.
In those cases we send rangers by land, that's the reason to be completely sure the person is
dead or not..." -
"OK, I got it, just wait a minute..." A shot is heard and the "friend" came back to the radio:
"Now we can be sure: send the rangers, please..." From Argentina, LU8HDR
Click here to check your ERP!

AND DON'T BUY A FORD!
THEN COME BACK HERE!
YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF.......

1. YOUR WIFE SAID, "LETS GO SEE AUNT ANNA", AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID, "LETS GO
SEE AUNT ANNA".
2. YOUR WIFE SAID, "COULD YOU CUT THE GRASS?", AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID POUND
THE BRASS!
3. YOUR WIFE SAID, "WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO BREAKFAST", AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID
"HAM FEST"!
4. YOUR WIFE SAID, "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE CHECK BOOK", AND YOU
THOUGHT SHE SAID, "LOG BOOK"!
5. YOUR WIFE SAID, "IS MY SEAM STRAIGHT?", AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID, "IS MY
BEAM STRAIGHT?"
6. YOUR WIFE SAID, "TURN ON THE FAN", AND YOU SHOUGHT SHE SAID, "CHANGE THE
BANDS". kc9rxc
You might be hard of hearing too!!

You know you're a ham if:
You ID every ten minutes during a regular converstation. kc9rxc
Is it OK to operate AM....after NOON?
Ham Weight Loss Program.....AUTOMATIC GAIN CONTROL!
The new Mobile Shack ready for field day...complete with all the extras!
Take a look at my new 2 meter beam...I shore are proud of it!
FLASH!
NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAM THAT CHANGES YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR INTO A DIGITAL
PHOTO SCANNER! TAKE YOUR PICTURE WHILE ON THE WEB! SEE WHAT YOU REALY
LOOK LIKE TO OTHERS!
NO CAMERA NEEDED! (The software and your monitor does it all!
Click here for a live DEMO!
LETTERS FROM ELMER A. HAMOPRATER

"HOW TO OPRATE YOUR RIG"
"HOW TO PUT UP AN ANTENNER"
"EMERGUNCY BAKUP POWUR"
By a REAL TENNESSEE HILLBILLY HAM!
(Helpful hints and tips and adventures from a "ham" who lives way back in the hills of
Tennessee)
TAKE A DEER HUNTING LESSON from a Tennessee Ham

(Using a PROFESSIONAL TENNESSEE HUNTER )
An elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2 meter
rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's urgent
warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a car going down I-
40 the wrong way, please be careful"!!
Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just one.......
there's hundreds of them'!!!!!!!!!
Click the button to change this page to the CB band! Or this one!
"BANDWIDTH"
A HAM'S WAIST SIZE!
Definition : BROADBAND
\brod' band\n
An instrumental musical group made up of older, rather coarse women.
AC0OK
WHO IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IN THE WORLD?

A HAM WITH AN IDEA, SOME WIRE.... AND A BOW AND ARROW IN
HIS HAND!
A HAM NAMED ELMER LIVED WITH HIS XYL NAMED SUE.
WHILE AT THE QTH ONE NIGHT, SUE SUDDENLY WENT QRT. (DIED).
ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED

THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER
TO PICK HER UP.
THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID HE
LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE...
THE 911 OPERATOR ASKED HIM TO SPELL THAT.
THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN
ELMER SAID......
"HOW ABOUT I JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET
ME THERE"!!
"Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is
attracted to the Earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity
hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big
ovens called 'generators,' turns back into electricity...where it is transformed by
TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and
back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a "circuit"........Dave
Barry
Three brothers ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. He puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs and says
"Was I getting in or out?"
The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts up the
stairs and pauses. Then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old HAM is sitting in front of his HF rig and listening to his
brothers. He shakes his head, picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful."
He knocks on wood for good measure.
He then yells into the mic,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see....
who's at the door. "OVER"
Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know
we've been friends for a long time.....but I just
can't think of your name and your call.! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember them.
Please tell me what they are."
His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared at
the gray haired old man..
Finally he said,
"How soon do you need to know?
-----------------------------------------
An elderly ham and his XYL were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old ham back
to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found
something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her posterior was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise"
The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old, old ham was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most
favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping
for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip
cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure
enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on
the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards
the cookies. Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand sharply and yelled,
"DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An OM will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

An XYL will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A YL worries about the future until she gets an OM.
An OM never worries about the future until he gets an XYL!
A successful OM is one who makes more money than his XYL can spend. A
successful YL is one who can find such a man!
A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flopping in

the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down the same
road.
As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed the antennas and leans out of
the window and yells...PIG! The ham immediately leans out of his window and
replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he
crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If hams would only listen!
-----------------------------
One of my local ham friends called the FCC to tell them he had moved and
wanted to change his address on the FCC records from Texas to Vermont.
The woman at the FCC who took his call asked where Vermont was.
As my Ham friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said,
"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state is it in?''
AN OM IS INCOMPLETE until HE GETS AN XYL......
THEN HE IS FINISHED!
Stealth mode!
Turn on the attenuator.....pleeeessee!
Bubba and Earl, two really dumb redneck Hams from Kentucky, were in a local
Wal-Mart store looking for Ham gear. Upon not finding any, they decided to
look around a bit.
They stumbled upon a weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the
raffle was drawn, each learned that he had won a prize.
Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed and the men met back at Wal-Mart, again,
looking for Ham Radio goodies.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love
spaghetti, but it sure is hard to solder and keep up in the air!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba.
"I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
------------------------------------------------------
Ray & Bubba (Tennessee mechanical engineers and ham radio operators) were
standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up and trying to figure out the best
way to make a 20 meter stealth vertical out of it.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't
have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
flag pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman!"
"We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the federal government designing
totally invisible towers for long range communications.
They are experiencing great difficulty in seeing the tower sections and putting
them together!
=====================
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day with my trusty HT by my
side, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'... Could it be that they
were trying to get me on CB channel 13?
The fence was too high to see over, but being the typical curious ham, I saw a
little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some nut case poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
-----------
Sneak Video Peak!
New Mobile HF Stealth antenna commercial!
By special arrangement with one of the top 3 in ham radios, we are allowed to
give you a sneak peak at their NEW All BAND HF "Stealth" mobile antenna to
be released for sale later this year. This page contains a behind the scenses video
demonstration of it in action as they were filming the commercial!
We are not allowed to disclose the mfg at this time.
Click Here To Watch the Video!
THE NEW "OLD GEEZER" HAM LICENSE
A product of the FCC restructuring.

1. No testing required. The person is nominated by fellow hams.
2. No call sign needed. The old geezer can not remember it anyway.
3. No code; arthritis will hamper key use.
Can not remember the code anyway.
4. Voice communication; AM not SSB. The old geezer still has his equipment
from the 40's and 50's.
5. Limited to 1 crystal controlled frequency on 80 meters.
No limit on power output.
6. Two way contacts are not needed. Just get on the air and start a monologue of
complaints.
7. Hemroids, prostate, and the weather are favorite topics.
When are you an "OLD GEEZER"? Your friends [if still have some] and
fellow hams will let you know.
8. The difference between an OLD FART and an OLD GEEZER?
The old geezer is a lost cause.
The old fart still has some cute old guy left in him. (N9JO)
If you would like to tell us what you think about this page, type in your
comments here ___!
Recently we had a review of this page that was not very favorable!
We had complaints of too many graphics, colors, animations, cluttered, too
long, too many jokes, no planning, poor layout, ruff edges, bad grammer, awful
"spellin" and a host of other complaints!
We have decided to revamp this page and give those of you who do not like it,
another version that should please you and put our Humor Page back at the top
of your review list!
CLICK HERE TO SEE IT!
ALL NAMES, ADDRESSES, PHONE NUMBERS, EMAIL, CALL SIGNS, WEB URLS AND ANYTHING
THAT CAN CONNECT A REAL PERSON WITH ANY OF THIS IS INTENTIONAL TO PROTECT THE
GUILTY, THE INNOCENT AND ANYONE WHO MAY OR COULD POSSIBLY KNOW N4UJW!
-----------------------------------------------
Abbott and Costello....real hams!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY
understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by
our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and
run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

(Author unknown)
Got any good clean ham radio related jokes, etc you would like to see here?
Email them to us. n4ujw at hamuniverse.com
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7/4/2019 HAM RADIO HUMOR

N4UJW Ham Radio Humor ?

I am not a turkey, I'm a ham!

THE HAMMOBILE HAS LANDED!

HOW TO COOK A HAM

1 ea PARABOLIC REFLECTOR (100 FT DIAMETER)

1ea 1 MEGAWATT TRANSMITTER

1ea FCC (EXPERIMENTAL PERMIT)

1ea POUND BROWN SUGAR

BREAK, BREAK, BREAK!

TUNE TRANSMITTER TO 100GHZ FM,

APPLY FULL POWER UNTIL EYES OF HAM

MOVE BACK...THERE WILL BE YELLING AND SCREAMING! (Protect your ears!)

....CONTINUE RADIATING UNTILL HE YELLS

Ham Radio Operator K7AGE Receives Mars Photo

Click here to check your ERP!

YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF.......

You might be hard of hearing too!!

LETTERS FROM ELMER A. HAMOPRATER

TAKE A DEER HUNTING LESSON from a Tennessee Ham

WHO IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IN THE WORLD?

ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED

Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades.

An OM will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flopping in

Turn on the attenuator.....pleeeessee!

THE NEW "OLD GEEZER" HAM LICENSE

A product of the FCC restructuring.

Abbott and Costello....real hams!

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

COSTELLO: For my office?

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!