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ROMANCEBREAKING UP

I Miss You, But I Understand Why

We Don’t Talk Anymore

By Lacey RamburgerUpdated August 22, 2019

Kinga Cichewicz
I miss you. I want you to know that.

Maybe I don’t miss you the way you would want me to. Maybe just by
saying it alone I make things harder than I need to. But I can’t pretend I
don’t- you were a part of me life that doesn’t get replaced easily- if ever.
We had a connection that rivals most in my mind, and to act as if I don’t
feel that void every now and then is impossible.

Yet there are reasons we aren’t part of each other’s lives anymore. I
know that. I know that we had potential to take things to the next level,
and we didn’t. I know that we could’ve been something incredible and
perhaps the best thing to happen to either one of us. But we didn’t.
Instead, a combination of life, excuses, and hesitation crept in and
pushed us just far enough apart for other things to come in. For other
priorities. For other people.

It didn’t fall apart all in one day, but sometimes it feels like it did.

One moment, you were the only person who I could think about- the one
who kept me up at night with your words and conversations, the one
who took up so much space in me. The next, you were still all I could
think about- but this time it was wondering if I should’ve tried harder to
hold onto you. You were still keeping me up at night- all the words I
never said haunting me and almost having me spill them all out to you
far too late for them to matter anymore. You still took up all this space in
me- and then left the gaping hole behind once we stopped talking to each
other.

Life did go on, though. It has a funny way of doing that- choosing to keep
moving forward even when part of your world feels like it stopped. So
we both moved forward, too. I started a different path, and I honestly
was happier with it than I expected. Things these days are actually going
well, and I don’t feel any regret over giving this opportunity a chance.

Yet when really good things happen, I still think to tell you. When certain
things happen in my life that I know only you would really understand, it
takes everything in me not to send you a message. I still wonder about
your life and how things are going for you. I think about reaching out to
you more times than I would admit, but I don’t.

Because for one reason or another, we didn’t fight to keep each other in
our lives. We didn’t try to save whatever we had from the damage that
inevitably appeared; we chose to let the ship sink. No one can point
fingers and assign blame. These days, we live lives without each other,
and perhaps it’s for the best. Maybe we don’t need to see how the other
is doing now that we know that we aren’t part of the picture. Maybe it
would’ve been too hard to hold on and try to keep each other in the
forefront of our new lives, and so we let go so that we didn’t have to find
out. Maybe it would be too hard to watch us move on with others, even if
they made us happier than we would’ve been together. Maybe we
would’ve inevitably fallen apart in a worse way and we saved each other
some damage.

I know that in the end, it doesn’t really matter the reasons of what
might’ve happened. All that matters anymore is that I think we still
would want the best things for the both of us- to find someone who loves
us, to be successful in our passions, to live the lives we always hoped we
would- even if that means we aren’t around to see it.

So believe me when I say that I understand why we don’t talk anymore.

But it doesn’t make me miss you any less.

RELATED
I Can Miss You Like Hell, But That Won’t Make You Come Back

To The One Who Was Not ‘The One’

I am low key obsessed with Myers-Briggs more than is probably healthy

Follow Lacey on Instagram or read more articles from Lacey on Thought
Catalog.
BREAKING UP MISSING YOU

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To love yourself should be no quiet affair, but a
loud uprising.
“Never forget,
you are more powerful
than you are damaged
and you will rise
from any abyss
they drown you in.”

— Nikita Gill, Your Heart Is The Sea

Start Here
HIDRADENITIS SUPPURATIVA

This Is What It’s Really Like To Lose

Your Social Life To
Hidradentitis Suppuratia

By Allyson ByersUpdated August 22, 2019

God & Man

“I know you’re only in town for a few days, but I can’t join you on a hike
in Griffith Park. I’m just going through a really bad flare up and am stuck
in bed.”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said something like this to a friend
who is visiting LA or to someone who lives here but wants to do
something more active. I used to love going on long walks, going out
dancing, or planning a day trip. Now, they are things I can rarely do.
Some days, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to leave my room to join a
friend for coffee or dinner.

About six years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic skin condition
known as Hidradentitis Suppuratia (HS). HS causes painful abscesses
and boils to occur near hair follicles, such as the underarms and groin.
Since my diagnosis, I have tried numerous prescription medications and
treatments. My dresser drawers are filled with oils, creams,
supplements, and so on. Yet I still have flare-ups at least once a week.

While it’s affected my entire life — everything from my self-esteem to

work — my social life has been upended. I am an extrovert who thrives
around people. I love planning dinner parties and joining friends on
adventures.
God & Man
Every canceled plan makes me feel guilty and depressed. Not only do I
worry about looking like a flake who can’t follow through on plans, but I
also grieve the person I used to be, someone who could go out and enjoy
life. The grief cycle never ends. It restarts every time I have to postpone
plans or tell a friend I can’t hang out with them. There have been so
many birthdays and parties missed due to the pain. I spend many days
alone in my bed, only leaving my room to eat and walk the dog.

I can go to bed feeling good, only to wake up and find a new abscess on
my body or blood all of my bed as the result of one bursting open
overnight. I can no longer plan my days, because I never know if I will
feel up for dinner or a yoga class.
I wish I could say I haven’t lost friends over the last six years, but the
truth is that I have. Some people found me to be flaky or unreliable.
Others couldn’t deal with someone who was so sad and in pain all of the
time. I try so hard to mask my physical pain, but sometimes it’s just too
hard to hide. I know that I talk about my physical (and emotional pain)
quite frequently, but it’s only because I live with it every single day. It’s
always on my mind.

A good day is one where the pain is a five out of ten. On a great day, I can
block out the pain totally. But it’s always there. I’m constantly thinking
about my HS from the moment I wake up. It’s there when I’m standing in
my closet looking for clothing that not only won’t irritate the abscesses
but will also hide them. It determines if I can leave my house to go to a
coffee shop to work or if I’m figuratively chained to my bed or couch. I’m
sorry if I talk about my disease and pain too much, but imagine living
with it all of the time.

My HS has forced me to redefine my social life and what my support

system looks like. Firstly, it’s challenged me to be honest with my friends
and ask for what I need. Rather than lying and saying I have a migraine
or am too busy to hang out, I just tell them that I am dealing with a flare-
up and will have to postpone plans. I have a core group of friends who I
open up to about the pain and who I feel comfortable asking to come
over and watch a movie if I’m feeling isolated or depressed. I’ve learned
how to advocate for myself and not assume that people know what I
need.
@criene
It’s also made me realize that if I do make plans with friends, it’s
important to make group plans, so that I don’t feel as guilty if I can’t
make it. Sometimes this isn’t possible, but when it comes to plans that
require tickets or have an upfront cost, I almost always make it a group
hangout or don’t commit until the day of. Unfortunately, I’ve had to miss
out on concerts or once-a-year events, but it’s helped me not feel like I
am bailing. It’s just too much pressure to have a friend totally relying on
me.

On my good days, I give back and take advantage of the time I’m given. I
support my friends through their challenges and hard times. I reach out
to say thank you. I check in on people. I make last minute plans. I go on
 random adventures. My good days may be few and far between, but you
better believe that I am making them count. And on the bad days, I sit
with my feelings and allow myself to grieve.
RELATED

Here’s How I Learned How To Live Life Fully With A Chronic Skin Condition

Battling Misconceptions: The 7 Major Myths About HS

Allyson Byers is a freelance writer and editor based in Los Angeles who loves writing about
anything health-related. ... Read more articles from Allyson on Thought Catalog.
HIDRADENITIS SUPPURATIVA HS

MORE FROM THOUGHT CATALOG

I Can Miss You Like Hell, But That Won’t Make You Come Back
To The One Who Was Not ‘The One’
Missing Someone Who Was Never Mine
Even Though It Hurts To Say, I Have To Thank You For Leaving Me
 Sometimes I Want To Call You

The Painful Truth About Outgrowing The People You Never Thought You Would
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