AS YOU PREPARE FOR EID IN NIGERIA Tuesday, 16 November 2010

****NEWSFLASH****

50 MILLIONS Rams just declared an all out war on two legged creatures who are bad, sources
mentioned that in a list leaked secretly to the underground press, several Sin-nators, Representa-
thieves, AID-e-S, Mini-stars, G-r-ubnors, have been targeted for execution tonight.

Travel Advisory: for those wishing to make late night Journeys:

keep your clothes in the bag not on you, your skin colour might be what may save you, for those
who are chemically sun-bleached, please endeavour to carry along non-animal fat shoe polish.

Should you be stopped by any 4 legged carrying dangerous weapons like twisted horns, crawl on
you 4s, eat some vegetation if you can find any, growl, bray, quark, bleat or improvise but make
sure it sounds beastly. If all attempts fail contact the nearest militia outpost.

In another development, Intelligence reports posted on the popular WIKILEAKS blog, indicated that
Nigeria’s porous borders have been infiltrated by insurgent Rams of the OUDA and BALAMI breeds.
These breeds have been linked to recent terrorists activities in the neighbouring Republic of Chad
and Niger, although there is little or no information about current whereabouts and the danger is
that they might have spread into millions of households by the time of going to press.

Advice:

- Never leave your kids alone with your ram from now till slaughter time.

- Never leave your spouse to fend for such Rams when you go for Eid.

- Never approach the Ram head-on, holding the knife smiling, appear solemn and give the
occasion the seriousness it deserves.

Should you have a Ram that that has a dual coat colour of either brown and white, black and white,
fierce looking twisted horns, convex shaped faces, big body mass with muscular thighs and hefty
hooves, be rest assured you and your family and neighbours and friends with their friends and their
friends too are all in danger because you have a potential weapon of mass destruction in your
possessions. Treat them kindly with love and compassion as make your sacrifice.

As it is against our editorial policy to comment of issues of drugs, we are appealing to our readers to
allow us indulge in some highly classified information that just came in over the Wire. The Drug
Company MELECYN has disclosed that huge consignment of its anti diarrheal drug HaNA-GUDA
have been reported missing from several of its warehouses spread all over the country. In a press
statement, the spokesperson of the company reported that this incidence may cause an acute
shortage in supply to the nationwide network of unregistered patent medicine stores and
unlicensed street hawkers who peddle at event venues where no public utility can handle the level
of mess generate and considering the festivities at the corner the company has taken up a corporate
social responsibility of providing one million free Fold-Up polymer Latrines in all major Nigerian
cities except the National Capital Abuja where they will be providing Executive mobile Marble,
Ivory and Porcelain motorised, self-cleaning, ablution-performing pit Latrines. For those with an
AS YOU PREPARE FOR EID IN NIGERIA Tuesday, 16 November 2010

insatiable appetite for mutton or steak, the Drug is said to be available openly in the black market
buts costs 300% higher. Our Advice: Donate your meat to needy families and poor neighbours who
kept salivating every time food is being cooked in your house, at least that will get rid of this
irritation for the time being.

Finally we have just received news that two Mercenary cows have been apprehended at the State
House, with packages concealed in their rumen, suspected to be highly explosive materials of
unknown source. They were caught among the thousands imported into the country for the
Presidential and Filth-Lady, Vice-Presidential and 2nd Lady Barbeque slated for tomorrow night.
Security sources at the state house claimed that while scanning the State house lawn for bugs and
radioactive materials, the Geiger counter went haywire, unfortunately the NSA could not be reached
as rumours of his abduction at the Yankari National Park by a Guerrilla – Buffalo herd has neither
been confirmed nor denied in the official circles.

Thank you for spending your time to read this, we will keep you updated as more news come in.
Long Live the Human race and Barka da Sallah