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The Sorcerer’s Actually attending Wingardium

kidney stone. class. Leviosa not working


in outer space.

Standing up to the Wand envy. The potion inside


Dark Lord because the cave.
your friends think
you’re special.

A boggart that looks Death Eaters. I shouldn’t have


like a herpes-riddled said that.
vagina.
Very dead parents. A young Albus TEN POINTS TO
Dumbledore. DUMBLEDORE!

Using a magical eye Voldemort. The Cruciatus


to look through curse.
student’s clothing.

A throbbing pile of Hagrid’s Being as shit at


horny Hufflepuffs. undoubtedly huge Quidditch as the
penis. Chudley Cannons.
Using magic to A throbbing basilisk Magical cuisine.
enslave one’s in my pants.
classmates.

Regularly Hagrid’s tongue. Being sorted into


Obliviating the Slytherin.
muggle Prime
Minister.

Zero Hufflefucks Remus Lupin’s Severus Snape


chest hair. confronted with
shampoo.
Professor Freeing your house- Fred Weasley’s
Trelawney’s elf by giving them a mangled corpse.
drinking habit. used condom.

A sloth animagus Fetus Deletus An evening out with


that became too Mrs. Norris.
lazy to revert back.

Unforgivable curses Cho Chang’s yeast Luna’s


used in a totally infection. Spectrespecs.
forgivable way.
Luna Lovegood A Hogwarts toilet A garden gnome
losing her clothes. seat. orgy in full swing.

Actually paying Firing red sparks Realising that fog is


attention in History into the air while Dementor jizz.
of Magic balls deep in the
Triwizard Cup.

Polyjuice Betraying your Three koalas


prostitutes. friend to the Dark standing on each
Lord. other’s shoulders
under an invisibility
cloak.
Pureblood Firing a spell into A three-way duel
inbreeding. the air while balls that murders your
deep in a squealing sister.
Hippogriff.

Gilderoy Lockhart The fourth book: Ginny’s Chamber of


shipping himself Harry Potter and the Secrets.
with himself. Goblet of Potholes.

Draco’s cumbox. Turning a Nokia into Lavender Brown


your final Horcrux. spanking Ron
Weasley.
Seeing things from Draco Malfoy’s Immortal Wizard
Voldemort’s apple fetish. Hitler.
perspective.

Dudley Dursley Replacing the word Naming kids after


washed up on the “wand” with dead people.
beach. “wang”.

Cumbridge. Motherfuckin’ Peter Pettigrew’s


Aragog. severed finger.
Becoming an A broomstick and The Hogwarts
animagus to fulfill some lube. House-elf Hunger
your furry fantasies. Games.

Being an The ghost of Fred Whispering “Well


insufferable know- Weasley. done, Draco”.
it-all.

Forgetting to use The great Slytherin Hufflepuff getting


Reparo on your and Gryffindor orgy. hufflefucked out of
condom. the House Cup
again.
That fucking Harry Harry’s dead Talking dirty in
Potter epilogue. parents. parseltongue.

Devil’s Snare Ruff tuff Hufflepuff! Three house-elves,


tentacle porn. a vibrating charm
and a time turner.

Accidentally The Sorting Hat Fire-filled Phoenix


blowing up a drunk on its own poop.
relative that insulted power.
your mum.
Becoming immortal Rampant Harry Potter not
at the price of your performance minding his own
nose. enhancing fucking business
substance abuse for once.
among Quidditch
players.

Amortentia-induced Pissing in Moaning Lucius Malfoy’s


blow jobs. Myrtle’s stall. luscious locks.

Arousal potions. The rest of the Gryffindor’s sword.


marauders
gangbanging Peter
Pettigrew.
Denying Ginny Thousands of Losing the House
Weasley’s orgasm wizards. Cup because Harry
and watching her and his friends went
squirm. on another fucking
adventure.

Spending an He-Who-Shall-Not- A jumper knitted


eternity in Azkaban. Be-Named cleverly by Molly
Weasley.

The Gryffindor Alastor Moody’s Being Hogwarts’


Quidditch team. mad eye. headmaster.
Sending messages Random red-headed Babbity Rabbity’s
to your house splinched twat Cackling Stump.
mates every time floating in the Room
the Dark Lord kills of Requirement.
someone.

The basilisk in my Xenophilius Harry Potter’s


pants. Lovegood. stupid fucking scar.

Having to explain to Xenophilius’ Ron Weasley’s


Madam Pomfrey erumpent horn butt ginger pubes.
why you used plug.
Engorgio on your
dick.
A penis patronus. Ludo Bagman being Neville stroking his
a lying prick. Mimbulus
Mimbletonia.

Broomstick drag The stuff Hagrid Attempting to


racing. finds in his beard. overthrow the
headmaster.

The lovechild of Putting the basilisk Whomping my


Donald Trump and in your Chamber of willow.
Dolores Umbridge. Secrets.
Viktor Krum doing Sex with a mermaid A broomstick
lunges on a hot day. being more servicing kit.
complicated than
originally thought.

Mrs. Weasley’s Mudblood Snape’s silken


fruitcake. cleansing. pubes.

Hufflepuss. The systematic Vanquishing


enslavement of puberty like Neville
house-elves. Longbottom.
Wet dreams starring Moaning like Myrtle. Strip wizard’s
your best friend’s chess.
sister.

Using Locking 1000 horny The systematic


transfiguration for teenagers in a elimination of
punishment. castle without any Muggleborns.
sex ed classes.

Hermione Granger. The old lady who Victor Krum’s man


sells sweets on the meat.
Hogwarts Express.
Gryffindor’s Questioning if sex A horde of angry
reckless bravery. with a centaur is centaurs.
technically
beastiality.

Magical STDs. Hogwarts rejection Holding onto your


letter. wand for dear life.

Wormtail watching Sending love notes Cormac


Ron polish his to your crush via McLaggen’s busy
wand. Howler. hands.
Slughorn’s club for Cedric Diggory Voldemort’s daddy
young boys. drowning in pussy. issues.

The actual love Cedric Diggory: the Percy’s flat freckled


triangle between ultimate cock block. ass.
Daniel Radcliffe,
Rupert Grint, and
Emma Watson.

A vibrating battery- Off-label use of The Elderwang.


operated Nimbus Skele-gro.
2000.
A capable Defence Ron’s sweaty Merpeople fetish.
Against the Dark hands.
Arts professor.

Being a love potion Death Eaters. Ginny’s naming


baby. skills.

The entire Slytherin Reaching the top A winged key going


Quiddith team. shelf for Professor places it should
Flitwick. never go.
Snorting Floo What happens in The entire
Powder to go on a the staff room stays Gryffindor
mental journey. in the staff room. Quidditch team.

Dumbledore’s Wizarding drugs. Lavender Brown’s


questionable hiring period stained
practices. panties.

1000 years of goblin Flying under the Taking Hermione to


oppression. influence. the bathroom to
play “hide the
basilisk”.
Hufflehugs with What the hell is a Snape, Snape,
sexual implications. Hufflepuff? Severus Snape.

Being “too CONSTANT Rufus Scrimgeour,


prejudiced” to be a VIGILANCE. shagging rather like
Death Eater. an old lion.

Queefing Quirrell. The Chamber of Hugging the Dark


Secrets. Lord.
Certain spells being Accidentally killing A wizarding school
mildly rapey. your sister. in the middle of
fucking nowhere.

Being a house-elf. Getting drunk on Dumbledore’s plum


firewhisky and suit.
setting the castle on
fire.

Ernie’s girth. Putting smegma in Finding out your


your polyjuice Patronus is a sea
potion. cucumber.
A really ballsy Being violated by a Filch’s
Hufflepuff. hippogriff. correspondence
magic classes.

Drinking Aberforth Weasley crotch fire. Wand-waving and


under the table. silly incantations.

Snape teaching sex Using the invisibility A bigger, blacker


ed. cloak to sneak into Sirius Black.
the girls lavatory.
Dolores Umbridge: Hagrid’s hairy Waking up with a
Queen of the asshole. lightning bolt scar
Centaurs. on your dick.

Shagging your best A limp wand. Mudblood battles.


friend’s sister
because he got the
girl.

Never coming back Accidentally saying Making the


from a holiday in Abracadabra unbreakable vow.
Albania. instead of Avada
Kedavra.
Breaking an Sexting via owl. An egg that
unbreakable vow. screams or sings
depending on its
surroundings.

Harry Potter and the The ghetto that is Seven slippery


Salem Witch Trials. the Weasley House. Slytherins.

Harry Potter’s limp Sleeping with Riding Uncle


wand. Wormtail every Vernon’s
night. moustache.
Wearing nothing Minerva Hermione’s bushy
under your robes. McGonagall’s death hair.
stare.

Kingsley Slytherin getting Popularising


Shacklebolt looking dumblefucked by #VoldemortDidNothi
classy as fuck. Dumbledore. ngWrong.

Roonil Wazlib. A creative new use Sirius Black, the


for Petrificus world’s biggest
Totalus. drama queen.
Having your mind Hagrid’s newest pet. Cooking goblins
erased by Gilderoy into pies.
Lockhart.

Literal mountains of Drunk Seamus. Sending the


blow appearing in innocent to
the Room of Azkaban for fun.
Requirement.

Filch’s fanfiction Gryffindor’s annual Remus Lupin’s


about taking naps wet t-shirt contest. menstrual love of
with Mrs. Norris. chocolate.
Hermione’s ball Using unforgivable The uncomfortable
gown on the floor. on children. fact of Hagrid’s
conception.

James Potter’s stag All the muggles, Drawing Voldemort


dick. mudbloods and like one of your
black students. French girls

Running into the A Quidditch match Swishing and


wrong wall at King’s that lasts three flicking.
Cross Station. years.
A very convincing Finding out your pet Inappropriate
fake wand. was really a middle- Ravenclaws.
aged criminal.

Trying to speak Harry’s lesbian The two different


parseltongue with a haircut in Prisoner guys playing
lisp. of Azkaban. Dumbledore.

Hagrid’s Using Alohomora Getting sloshed


questionable on a chastity belt. with Slughorn.
teaching practices
Getting drunk so Draco Malfoy in Doing nudes with
often that your leather pants. Colin Creevey.
remembrall is
permanently red.

Filius Flitwick: Sex Harry’s moral fiber. The real reason Cho
Bomb Chang left China.

Bending over for Using a jellylegs The house-elf


the soap in jinx on your cock. fighting pits.
Azkaban.
McGonagall’s Ravenclaws. A bung of filthy
snuffbox. muggles.

Masturbating to a A whole lot of Blaming the


pensieve memory of Slytherbitches and Nargles.
banging your ex. Ravencunts.

Voldemort hiding A steaming bag of Rita Skeeter stuffed


underneath my hippogriff shit. in a broom closet
turban. with a minor.
A dead Dobby. House-elf cum. A bunch of
Gryffinwhores and
Hufflesluts.

Hufflehumping. Spilling my potion. Paintings that watch


you undress.

Dolores Umbridge Neville’s Headbang Potter


bathing in virgin’s grandmother. and the Chamber of
blood. Metal.
Punching Malfoy in Harry’s constant Lucius Malfoy
his skinny, white crying. cosplaying as
face. Bellatrix Lestrange.

Being sorted into Cooking with Forcing an entire


Jigglypuff. Snape’s hair grease. species to cook
your dinner and
clean your linens.

Draco poopy pants All of your best Muggleborns


Malfoy. friends dying making pop-culture
horribly. references.
Running around the Dying just like Snape’s diary.
Great Hall casting Sirius Black.
curses and
screaming “I’M A
WIZARD!”

Thinking the Vernon Dursley’s fat Deciding the


Forbidden Forest is fucking face. Defence Against the
a great vacation Dark Arts professor
spot. would be a great
move
professionally.

Bertha Jorkins’ Being gangbanged The scarf of sexual


meat curtains. by the Marauders in preference.
their animal forms.
Alone time in the Cedric’s cold Arthur Weasley
Room of corpse. fascinated by
Requirement. muggle technology.

Mrs. Black’s dusty Naming your child Albus Dumbledore’s


curtains. after your mother’s arbitrary scoring
stalker. system.

J.K. Rowling’s bank Slughorn drugging Peter Pettigrew


account. students. watching little boys
change.
Severus Snape Wizard angst. Granger danger.
whispering “turn to
page 394.”

Harry Potter The only Jew at Ginny’s virginity.


breaking just about Hogwarts.
every rule and
getting 100 house
points for it.

Hagrid’s problem Dumbledore’s gay A secret room full of


with beastiality. army. dead students.
Butterbeer pong. Alan Rickman’s Voldemort’s
killer smile. noseless face.

Trusting the Dark Mistaking The sweet


Lord not to off you Dumbledore for satisfaction of using
the second you Gandalf. Avada Kedavra for
become useless. the first time.

My useless friend A tramp stamp of Professor


Ron Weasley. your Patronus. McGonagall feeding
you biscuits
The Durmstrang Crucio: for pain Harry Porker.
students getting AND pleasure.
into some weird shit
in the dungeons.

An incestual Joining a prison Yelling “EXPECTO


Weasley orgy. gang while in PATRONUM” when
Azkaban. your orgasm.

Charging $100 for Filch’s greasy The Golden Snatch.


Moaning Myrtle’s curtain of pubes.
tears.
Pornographic Keeping the blood Waiting until my
daydream charms. pure by marrying father hears about
your cousin. this.

A firewhisky enema. A romantic date Knockturn Alley.


night in the
Chamber of Secrets.

That time everyone Using a broom as a All the dirty things


thought you were dildo. that ever happened
the Heir of in the Room of
Slytherin. Requirement
Off-screen death of What Aberforth did Remus Lupin’s time
your favourite with that goat. of the month.
characters.

Madam Rosmerta’s Interspecies Freckled testicles.


luscious tits. penseive porn.

Speculating on the Enchanted dildos. Hardcore BDSM in


sexual preference of the Room of
the elusive Charlie Requirement.
Weasley.
Wixen pornographic I shouldn’t have Ronald Weasley
magazines. said that. sticking his foot in
his mouth again.

Hermione giving It’s raining dead Filch cleaning the


Ron the death glare. owls! Owlery by hand.

Realizing that The feeling you get Thinking Jigglypuff


Neville is the hot when you ride a is a Hogwarts
one. broomstick for the house.
first time.
Hagrid never really Christmases in the Actual dragon
learning to read. Janus Thickey Ward dildos.
visiting the
Longbottoms.

Hagrid has a Colin Creevey Harry had a


micropenis. sneaking into the threesome with
hospital wing to both the Creevey
give Harry a brothers and the
blowjob Weasley twins.

Hagrid wearing a Flying sex snakes. Voldemort’s nose.


thong.
Voldemort’s curved Deez knuts. Sexting via owl.
dick.

Taking a Shitting out a Harry Potter


preemptory bezoar. perfect turd shaped whining like the
like Voldemort. little bitch he is.

Hermione pegging Silencing charms. Losing your wand


Ron in the Boys’ and using your dick
dormitory. instead.
Using your wand as My wizard’s staff. Unplanned teen
a dildo. pregnancy

Using an Receiving Being tag-teamed


Undetectable cunnilingus from by the Weasley
Extension Charm to Barty Crouch Jr. twins.
conceal your
pregnancy.

Taking out a life Dobby’s Peeves finding you


insurance policy to mismatched socks. masturbating.
go along with your
new DADA job.
Snape and Trevor the toad. Sploogify!
McGonagall making
passionate love.

Splooge. Spooge. Belting out 90’s pop


music.

Doritos chips. Magical vibrating SEX HEX!


underwear.
Wands up! Wands down. Snape’s knuckle
kissing.

A kettle full of Breaking every Voldemort’s blank,


squids. single rule and only flat crotch.
getting a light
scolding.

Severus Snape’s A Slughorn sex Affecting a French


luscious locks. chair. accent during sex.
Bellatrix Going at it like Feel the rhythm, feel
LeStrange’s Lovely Cornish Pixies! the rhyme.
Lady Lumps.

McGonagall’s Professor Minerva was a


knickers. McGonnagall? pinup girl in her
More like Professor youth.
McGotItGoinOn!

Cock Critiquer Wizarding Unexpected


photography class. animations of erect
penises.
GIRLS NIGHT! Mischief Managed. I solemnly swear
that I am up to no
good.

A Marauders bang My favourite ship, Can’t get enough of


session. Wolfstar. the Drarry ship!

So much Dramione Rewriting the lyrics Crystal Pepsi.


fanfic, so little time! to popular songs to
make them about
sex.
90’s nostalgia. Plughorn. Rughorn.

ALL THE – Proper lighting for Uncontrollable


UGHORNS!!! your dick pics. laughter.

Unexpected burst of Hermione’s wet Pansy’s moist


laughter in public. underpants. knickers.
Worship. Owls with long, The importance of
sexy legs. consent.

Being sorted into Being sorted into Being sorted into


Gryffindor. Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw.

Making sweet, Underpants. UNDAPANTS!


sweet, love to the
Sorting Hat.
House elves Getting high on Room of
demanding Gillyweed and Requirement.
emancipation. staring at the stars
on the top of the
Astronomy Tower.

A birth control spell. Pantillonius The Prefects’


Poopicus! bathroom.

Gilderoy Lockhart. Pansy Parkinson. Newt Scamander.


Albus Dumbledore. Hagrid. Argus Filch.

Minerva Ron Weasley. Harry Potter.


McGonagall.

Hermione Granger. Lavender Brown. Luna Lovegood.


A pensieve. One Trick Pansy. Lubeus Maximus.

Burner Owl. Sexy Panda. Using an


assortment of
accents in the
bedroom.

Conceive the next Sir Cadogan Blast-Ended


Boy Who Lived. Skrewts
Pumpkin Pasties. Chickron Drapple

Dumbeldore’s Portkey. Massaging the


Schlong. prostate.

Licking Harry The Boy Who Draco’s immaculate


Potter’s taint. Licked. anus.
Devil’s Snare. Norbert, the Butterbeer.
Norwegian
Ridgeback.

Picking up a troll in I want to make out Fluffy.


a gay bar. at the gay club.

Rough. Tender. Kinky.


Nasty. New owl, who dis? Pick me up from the
airport.

Sexy. Magical. Reading Hogwarts:


A History.

Ron and Harry Tickling the Voldemort and


would have died in Whomping Willow. Hitler in a coffee
the first book if it klatch.
weren’t for
Hermione.
Vacationing Getting fingered by Bat Bogey hex.
together in Bora the Giant Squid.
Bora.

A patronus that Saying “Fuck it!” The skid marks in


takes the form of a and letting the Goyle’s pants.
honey badger. Dementors kiss
Dudley.

Hate fucking all of Snogging so hard Getting lost in Newt


the Dursleys. your uvula is being Scamander’s
stroked. suitcase.
Trying to explain Being topped by Bottoming to Filch.
the purpose of a Draco Malfoy.
rubber duck.

Dubious consent Gender dysphoria Minerva McGonagall


while using after a batch of in a lesbian
Petrificus Totalus. Polyjuice Potion. relationship with
Mrs. Norris.

I shall not tell lies. Shipping Hermione The moment that


and Katniss. Ron realizes
another man has
been watching him
masturbate.
That moment when A Dementor sucking The pleasing feeling
it looked like Harry your soul out of a vibrating broom
and Voldemort were through your between your legs.
going to snog. asshole.

Teasing her nipples Jason…wait, who’s A hofty.


with the soft fur of a Jason‽‽
Pygmy Puff.

Ravenclaw house Arby’s roast beef A chode.


lining up to run the curtains.
train on Luna.
Cho Chang gang Erectus Totalus! Erectus Protectus.
bang.

Living with the guilt A cross between Susan Bones going


of knowing that you Fluffy and down on Cedric
were relieved when Pigwidgeon. Diggory.
the killing curse hit
your beloved owl
and not you.

A freak between the Professor Flitwick. Shrinking Professor


sheets. Flitwick and hiding
him inside your
gaping vagina.
Attending a Being disciplined in Pulling a parasitic
disciplinary hearing. the dungeons by worm out of Fang’s
Snape. anus.

Merlin. A nice cuppa. Standing naked in


front of the
Wizengamot.

Kidnapping Rita Pissing yourself Draco’s father loses


Skeeter and holding during your his hearing.
her captive in a jar. disciplinary hearing.
Settling for a Going commando Pitting Crabbe and
blowjob because under your robes. Goyle in a fight to
she has the Devil’s the death.
waterfall.

A pancake in the Apparate out right The Shrieking


shape of Dobby’s before climax. Shack.
head.

Quite possibly the Peter Pettigrew. A 90’s boy band.


worst Secretkeeper
ever.
Use your A huge crush on Making a horse
metamorphmagus Firenze. porn video with
abilities to give Firenze.
yourself a dick.

Riding Firenze into Using your Weirdly proud that


the sunset. metamorphmagus they were important
ability to make enough for
yourself fat to see Voldemort to kill
whether your personally.
romantic interest
will still love you.

Twin cores. Wandlore. Being so in synch


with another person
that you’re able to
use their wand as if
it was your own.
Andromeda and Uncle Harry blowing A dirty hippie.
Narcissa having a a raspberry on
slap fight. Teddy’s tummy.

Winky’s drinking A gigantic Answer the


problem. flobberworm. Sphinx’s riddle.

Is that a wand in Snogging in the Masturbating into


your pocket, or are trophy room. the House Cup.
you just happy to
see me?

Oh, it is a wand.
This is awkward.
Jerking off in front Looking into the Tracking
of the Mirror of Mirror of Erised and Mundungus
Erised. seeing yourself Fletcher down and
dressed in drag. hexing him within
an inch of his life.

Illegal flying carpets Mad-Eye Moody’s Moody’s Foe-glass


from Egypt. eye strapped to the
door.

Sneaking into The unsung Getting a fear boner


Snape’s private heroism of Regulus from a Boggart in
stores and stealing Black. the middle of DADA
his Boomslang skin. class.
Every size and A vibrating butt Nipple clamps.
colour of dildo you plug.
could ever possibly
require.

A cock cage. A chastity belt. Using Gillyweed to


make passionate
love at the bottom
of the lake.

Wizards are still Muggles actually Cleaning owl shit


basically living in have a lot more off the dining table.
the Medieval times. conveniences even Again.
though they don’t
have magic.
Kyle. Horace Slughorn. A circle jerk in the
boys’ dormitory.

A pillow fight in the Practicing kissing Firecrotch whiskey


girls’ dormitory. with your
dormmates.

Snape’s erogenous There are 7 Dumbledong


zones. erogenous zones
and you’re going to
want to hit them all.
Start out with a little
1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a
4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 6-
7, 7... 7... 7! 7! 7! 7!
7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7!
I love feeling the Malfoy dressed in a Ron feeling
wind on my nether head toe white suit. strangely attracted
regions during my to Malfoy when he
naked broom riding sees him all gussied
flights. up in his white suit
because it makes
him think of
chicken.

A painful interaction Pumpkin-flavoured Eating so many


between a vagina nipple pasties. strawberry
and a piece of flavoured Sugar
LEGO. Quills that your
sperm turns red.

Badger. Snake. Lion.


Eagle. Luna insists on You don’t look a
wearing her roaring day over 412!
lion hat during
coitus.

A continuous Bellaception. Helena Bonham


stream of sperm Carter pretending to
that seeks out its be Emma Watson
target like a heat- pretending to be
seeking missiles Helena Bonham
and takes the shape Carter pretending to
of past lovers. be Hermione
pretending to be
Bellatrix.

Professor Sprout’s Professor ONE OF US! ONE


milky white thighs. Slughorn’s jiggling OF US! ONE OF US!
belly.
Dolores Umbridge A spell that makes A spell to clean up
performing a strip your cum taste like cum.
tease. bubble gum.

Dumbledore Run a train. A perplexing crush


wearing a garter on Argus Filch.
belt and thigh high
stockings under his
robe.

Taking a potion to Draco using his The complete


enable a male Veela powers to breakdown of
pregnancy and then seduce Hermione wizarding society
giving birth to the into bed. and the sorting of
baby through an all citizens into 1 of
anal fistula. 5 factions:
Abnegation, Amity,
Candor, Dauntless,
or Erudite.
Bertie Bott’s Every Murdered by a life- Kreacher mumbling
Flavour Beans size wizard chess death threats under
set. his breath.

Hermione covering You are unable to A threesome with


her entire body with solve the Sphinx’s George Weasley
chocolate pudding riddle, so you and Fred Weasley’s
to fulfill one of distract it with a ghost.
Ron’s biggest laser pointer
fantasies. instead.

Snape using his Going to town on Fleur and Draco’s


Legilimens skills to Fleur Delacour’s elicit affair resulting
spy on students as “Skiving Snackbox” in a blonde hair,
they are having a blue eyed love child
wank. that Bill raises as
his own.