Roberto The Rooster

ROBERTO THE ROOSTER (Animated Children's TV Series)
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
"Old MacDonald Had a Bathroom"
INT. ROBERTO'S APARTMENT - DAY
ROBERTO THE ROOSTER (a human-like rooster who wears a suit, speaks in a deep voice
with a thick Spanish accent, and has a passionate, intense personality) is spinning
round and round in a swiveling chair. The doorbell rings. Roberto stops spinning,
gets up, and opens the door to the bathroom.
ROBERTO
Oh. Wrong door.
He gets back in the chair, spins a few times, and then gets up facing the opposite
side of the apartment. He walks to the front door, and opens it to reveal LOUIS
(45).
ROBERTO
Ah! Hello, Louis the Landlord. What brings you to my apartment? Let me guess. You
want me to throw a pumpkin pie in your face.
Roberto throws a pumpkin pie in Louis's face.
LOUIS
No, Roberto. I don't want you to throw a pumpkin pie in my face.
ROBERTO
Oh. Let me guess again. You want me to throw an _apple_ pie in your face.
He throws an apple pie in his face.
LOUIS
I don't want you to throw _any_ pie in my face!
ROBERTO
Well then what type of food do you want me to throw in your face?
LOUIS
I want your rent money.
ROBERTO
You want me to throw my rent money in your face?
He takes some money out of his pocket and throw it in Louis's face.
LOUIS
Next time, just put the rent money in my hand.
Louis throws a pie in Roberto's face.
ROBERTO
Hm. Very Interesting. By the way, I need you to fix my toilet.
LOUIS
What's wrong with it?
ROBERTO
Well. Sometimes, when I try to flush it, it sings,
(sings)
Old MacDonald had a bathroom / EIEIO / And in that bathroom he had a toilet / EIEIO
/ With a flush flush here / And a flush flush there / Here a flush, there a flush,
everywhere a flush flush / Old MacDonald had a bathroom / EIEIO."
LOUIS
Well. I don't know how to fix that. I'm gonna have to call a plumber to come fix
it.
(Later)
Roberto is eating pie.
The doorbell rings. Roberto opens the door to reveal a PLUMBER (male, 40).
PLUMBER
Hi. I'm from the Pipe-o-Matic Plumbing Company. I'm here to...
ROBERTO
Wait. Do not tell me why you are here. Let me guess. Um. You are here because you
want me to throw a pumpkin pie in your face.
He throws a pumpkin pie in his face.
PLUMBER
No! I'm here to fix your toilet.
ROBERTO
Ah, yes! My toilet! Come in, sir.
Roberto closes the door and leads the Plumber to the bathroom.
ROBERTO
Okay. This is my toilet, and this is my shower. My shower works. See?
He turns on the shower and sprays water in the Plumber's face.
ROBERTO
But my toilet does not work. Instead of flushing, it plays a song.
PLUMBER
Let me see.
He pulls the lever to flush the toilet.
TOILET
(sings)
Old MacDonald had a bathroom / EIEIO / And in that bathroom he had a toilet / EIEIO
/ With a flush flush here / And a flush flush there / Here a flush, there a flush,
everywhere a flush flush / Old MacDonald had a bathroom / EIEIO
PLUMBER
Okay. Let me try something.
He gets on all fours, and barks at the toilet.
ROBERTO
Is that gonna fix the toilet?
PLUMBER
No. Sometimes I just like to pretend that I'm a dog.
ROBERTO
Really? Sometimes I like to pretend I am a cat.
He gets on all fours and starts meowing at the toilet.
PLUMBER
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a rooster.
(gets on all fours)
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
ROBERTO
Well. I _am_ a rooster.
PLUMBER
No kidding! You're a rooster?
ROBERTO
Yes. But I do not go, "Cock-a-doodle-doo." I go, "Kikirikí, ki-kiri-ki."
PLUMBER
Well. Let me take a look at this toilet.
He stares at the toilet for a few seconds. He takes out a stethoscope and puts it
up to the toilet. He then takes out drumsticks and plays the drums on the toilet.
PLUMBER
Well, I'm not sure what's wrong with your toilet. I'm gonna have to bring in Super
Toilet Ninja Master to come look at it.
The doorbell rings. Roberto opens the door to reveal SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER
(ninja, thick Japanese accent).
SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

I am Super Toilet Ninja Master. Let me see your toilet.
Roberto leads him to the bathroom, where the Plumber is on all fours barking at the
toilet. He sees Super Toilet Ninja Master.
PLUMBER
Hello, Super Ninja Toilet Master.

What is wrong with this toilet?
PLUMBER
Sometimes, it doesn't flush. Instead of flushing, it sings.
Super Toilet Ninja Master gets on all fours and starts ribbiting at the toilet.
ROBERTO
Is that gonna fix the toilet?

No. Sometimes I like to pretend I am a frog.
He gets up.

So. You have a singing toilet?
ROBERTO
Yes. Can you fix it?

That depends. What song does it sing?
ROBERTO
Mostly "Old MacDonald Had a Bathroom."

Well. Let me try something.
He grabs a plunger and uses it on the toilet.

Now let's see if it sings that song.
He pulls down the flush. The Toilet sings a rap version of "Old MacDonald Had a
Bathroom."

Hm. I don't think I can fix this toilet.
PLUMBER
But you're Super Toilet Ninja Master.

Yes. But this is a job for my friend Joe.
(Later)
The doorbell rings. Roberto opens the door to reveal JOE.
JOE
Hi. I'm Joe the Plumber.
ROBERTO
I am Roberto the Rooster.
JOE
Well. What can I do for you, Roberto? Wait. Let me guess. You want me to throw a
pumpkin pie in your face.
He throws a pumpkin pie in Roberto's face.
ROBERTO
Actually, no. I want you to fix my toilet.
JOE
Oh. Okay.
ROBERTO
Follow me to the bathroom.
Roberto leads him to the bathroom, where the Plumber and Super Toilet Ninja Master
are on all fours and barking like dogs.

Hey, Joe.
JOE
Hey, Super Toilet Ninja Master. So what's the deal with this toilet?

When you try to flush it, sometimes it sings.
JOE
Well. Have you tried meowing at it?
PLUMBER
Yes.
JOE
Alright. Well. Let's see.
He removes the toilet's top cover and examines the inside.
JOE
Well. Everything in here looks nice and toilet-y. Except for this waterslide.
He pulls a large waterslide out of the toilet.
JOE
Okay. Let's see if it flushes now.
He pulls down the flush, and the toilet plays a reggae version of "Old MacDonald
Had a Bathroom."
JOE
Hm. Let me think.
The doorbell rings.
ROBERTO
That was my doorbell. It makes a ding dong sound. Maybe someone is at the door.
Roberto leaves the bathroom and walks over to the front door. He opens the door to
reveal a DELIVERY MAN holding holding up ten pie boxes.
DELIVERY MAN
Hi. I'm here to...
ROBERTO
Wait. Let me guess. You want me to throw a pumpkin pie in your face.
Roberto throws a pumpkin pie in his face.
DELIVERY MAN
No. I'm here to deliver you these ten pumpkin pies you ordered from our pie store.
ROBERTO
Oh. Yes. I ordered those pies, because I am running out of them, because I keep
throwing them in people's faces.
He takes the pies and puts them down.
DELIVERY MAN
That'll be eighty five dollars.
Roberto hands him a $100 bill.
ROBERTO
Keep the change.
DELIVERY MAN
Thank you.
He throws a pie at Roberto's face.
ROBERTO
Thank _you_.
THe Delivery Man leaves.
Roberto closes the door and walks back to the bathroom.
ROBERTO
Is my toilet fixed?
JOE
No. But I was just thinking. What do toilets need in order to flush?
ROBERTO
Um. Sandwiches?
JOE
Water.
ROBERTO
Right. Water.
JOE
And what do toilets need in order to get water?
ROBERTO
Um. Sandwiches?
JOE
Pipes.
ROBERTO
Right. Pipes. Toilets need water to flush, and they need pipes to get water. Okay.
I am going to eat a sandwich.
Roberto takes a sandwich out of his pocket and starts eating it.
JOE
Let's see if there's a pipe that gives water to this toilet.
He gets on his hands and knees and examines around the toilet. He notices a tuba
where there should be a pipe.
JOE
There's a tuba here instead of a pipe.
Roberto is finishing his sandwich.

(to Roberto)
Why is there a tuba here instead of a pipe?
ROBERTO
Oh. Well. Uh. Let me think. The other day, I was going to play the tuba in the
bathroom. And, I guess I got my tuba mixed up with my toilet pipe. Yeah. So I ended
up playing the toilet pipe instead of the tuba, and I put the tuba here where the
toilet pipe is supposed to be.
PLUMBER
Well go get the toilet pipe, so we can change it with this tuba.
[Cut to Later]
Joe is finishing up working on the pipe.
JOE
kayK. Now there's a pipe giving water to this toilet.
Roberto is holding the tuba.
ROBERTO
And now instead of playing a toilet pipe, I am playing a tuba.
Roberto plays the tuba, and Joe, Toilet Ninja Master, and the Plumber sing "Old
MacDonald Had a Bathroom."
"The Bank Line"
INT. BANK - DAY
with a thick Spanish accent, and has a passionate, intense personality) and LARRY
(40, wears a dentist's uniform) walk into a bank. There's a long LINE, but Roberto
and Larry go right to a bank TELLER (female, 30).
ROBERTO
Hello. Is this the bank?
BANK TELLER
Yes.
ROBERTO
Great. I would like to take some money out of my bank account.
BANK TELLER
Well. You have to wait in line first.
Roberto looks at the line.
ROBERTO
Line? I thought all of those people were just pretending to be a really big snake.
LARRY
I thought they were pretending to be a really long _belt_. You know. Like _this_
belt.
(takes off his belt)
But longer.
Larry's pants fall, revealing his boxer shorts.
TELLER
Sir. Please pick up your pants, and go wait in line.
He puts his pants back on. Roberto and Larry go to the back of the line.
Roberto spots HOLLY THE HEN a couple of spots ahead of them.
ROBERTO
Oh my goodness. That is my ex-girlfriend, Holly the Hen.
LARRY
What is she doing?
Holly is now sitting on the floor. She gets up, and reveals an egg that was under
her.
ROBERTO
She just laid an egg.
LARRY
She laid an egg in a bank line?
ROBERTO
Yes. I mean, if you are a hen and you need to lay an egg, you lay an egg.
She picks up the egg and puts it in her purse. She spots Roberto.
HOLLY
Roberto?
ROBERTO
Oh. Hello, Holly. How are you?
HOLLY
Fine.
ROBERTO
It is, uh, good to see you. I have actually been meaning to ask you something.
HOLLY
What?
ROBERTO
Well. When we were dating, one time I was at your apartment, and I left a
Transformers toy there. Can I have it back?
HOLLY
(annoyed)
Well. I don't have it with me right now. Okay?
ROBERTO
I see. Well, maybe you can give me something else then.
HOLLY
What?!
ROBERTO
You got my Transformers toy. So I should get something of yours in return. Like a
trade. What do you have in your purse?
HOLLY
In my purse? I don't know.
(opens her purse, looks through it, and shows Roberto some items)
I have a wallet, and some tissues, and a ladder, and some lipstick...
ROBERTO
Okay. I will take the lipstick.
HOLLY
Fine! Whatever, Roberto! Take the lipstick!
She throws it to him. He catches it. He puts some lipstick on his lips.
ROBERTO
So. What are you doing here in this bank line? Are you pretending to be part of a
giant snake?
HOLLY
No.
ROBERTO
Well. If you are going to pretend to be part of giant snake, you can make some
hissing sounds. Like this.
Roberto makes some hissing sounds.
LOUIS (50) gets in line behind Roberto and Larry.
LOUIS
Roberto?
Roberto turns around.

ROBERTO
Ah! Hello, Louis the Landlord.
LOUIS
Why are you hissing like a snake?
ROBERTO
Because I am pretending this line is a giant snake.
LOUIS
Okay. And why are you wearing lipstick?
ROBERTO
Because my ex-girlfriend Holly has my Transformers toy.
LOUIS
Um. Okay.
ROBERTO
So, what brings you to this bank?
LOUIS
(grabs a stack of checks and cash from his pocket)
Well. Everyone in our apartment building paid me their rent money. Except for you.
I'm here to put the rent money in my bank account. By the way--you owe me 805
dollars for this month's rent.
ROBERTO
Aha! Well, I am going to pay you--as soon as I make it to the front of the line,
and I take out some money from my bank account.
Close up on a clock that says 3:00. Cut to it saying 3:05. Roberto is now in the
middle of the line. Larry is brushing his teeth.
ROBERTO
(to Larry)
We have been in this line for a very long time. I am getting hungry.
(to Holly)
Holly. Do you have any food in your purse? I am hungry.
Holly walks over to Roberto, hits him with her purse, and walks back to her space
in the line.
ROBERTO
(to Larry)
Okay. I guess she does not have any food. What are we going to eat?
LARRY
I have an idea. The other day, I was eating a watermelon, and I saved the seeds.
He takes some watermelon seeds out of his pocket.
LARRY
How about we plant one of these seeds, and then it'll grow into a watermelon we can
eat?
ROBERTO
Good idea. But where should we plant the seed?
LARRY
In your shoe.
Roberto takes off his shoe, puts a watermelon seed in it, and then puts the show
back on.
LARRY
Alright. Soon we're gonna have a watermelon to eat.
They wait five seconds.
LARRY
Is the watermelon ready yet?
ROBERTO
I do not know. Let me check.
Roberto takes off his shoe and looks inside.
LOUIS
You can't grow a watermelon in a shoe, Roberto! You have to grow it in dirt!
ROBERTO
Oh. I see.
(to Larry)
Let us try my other shoe.
Roberto takes the seed out of his first shoe, takes his other shoe off, puts the
seed in there, and puts his foot in the shoe. He and Larry stand around for five
seconds.
LARRY
Is the watermelon ready yet?
ROBERTO
(takes off his shoe and look inside)
No. It is still a seed.
LOUIS
You have to plant the seed in dirt!
ROBERTO
Okay.
(takes out a megaphone and addresses Everyone)
Excuse me. Do any of you have any dirt we can borrow?
The WOMAN next to them says:
WOMAN
I have some dirt in my purse.
She opens her purse and reveals the dirt.
ROBERTO
Great. Can you pour it in my shoe, so I can plant my seed in it?
WOMAN
I suppose.
LOUIS
Wait a second! You can't grow a watermelon like that! You also need sunlight.
ROBERTO
Ah ha!
(to Woman)
Do you have any sunlight in your purse?
WOMAN
No.
(reaches into her purse and takes out some lipstick)
But I have lipstick.
ROBERTO
I already have lipstick.
Close up on a clock that says 3:08. Cut to it saying 3:12. Roberto is now several
spots away from a teller.
ROBERTO
I am still hungry.
LARRY
Well.
(takes a bottle of hot sauce out of his pocket)
I have this bottle of hot sauce.
ROBERTO
Great.
Roberto takes it and pours the hot sauce into his mouth.
ROBERTO
Why do they call this hot sauce?
LARRY
Because it's, like, hot.
ROBERTO
Oh.
Steams starts coming form Roberto's mouth. His eyes get wide, he starts sweating,
and he jumps up right through the building's roof. He lands right back where he was
before.
ROBERTO
(causally)
I am still hungry. Perhaps we should order a pizza.
(into cell phone)
Hello. I am Roberto the Rooster, and I need one large pizza, delivered to the Bank
at 189 Main Street. I'm the
(counts the people ahead of him)
ninth person in line. Can you deliver the pizza here in the next ten seconds?
INT. PIZZERIA - DAY
EMPLOYEE
(into phone)
Well. Since we're right next to the bank you're in, yes--we can be there in ten
seconds.
EXT. PIZZERIA AND BANK - DAY
The pizzeria is right next to the bank. The Employee walks out of the pizzeria and
into the bank.
INT. BANK - DAY
EMPLOYEE
Delivery for Roberto the Rooster.
ROBERTO
That is me.
The Employee walks up to him and hands him the pizza.
EMPLOYEE
That'll be $10.
ROBERTO
Pay him, Larry. I will pay you back after I take get my money from the bank.
LARRY
Okay.
Larry takes off his belt and hands it to the Employee.
LARRY
Here you go.
EMPLOYEE
That's a belt. Not $10.
LARRY
Oh. You said _$10_. I thought you said belt.
Larry's pants fall. He picks them up. He takes out his wallet, and removes a bunch
of one dollar bills from it, and counts them as he hands the bills to the Employee.
LARRY
Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
EMPLOYEE
You owe me ten dollars. Not nine dollars.
LARRY
I know. Um. I have more money in the jar that's in my pocket.
He removes a jar of pennies out of his pocket, and starts handing them to the
Employee one by one as he counts.
LARRY
One, two, three, four, five...
Close up on a clock that says 3:15. Cut to it saying 3:18. Roberto is now four
spots away from a teller.
LARRY
95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100. There you go. One hundred pennies equals one dollar. So I
gave you nine dollars, plus one dollar. That's ten dollars total. But now I have to
give you a tip.
He takes another jar of pennies out of his pocket, and begins handing them one by
one to the Employee as he counts.
LARRY
One, two, three, four, five
Close up on a clock that says 3:18. Cut to it saying 3:24. Roberto is now one spot
away from a teller. Larry is still handing the Employee pennies.
LARRY
497, 498, 499, 500.
The jar is now empty.
LARRY
So that's five dollars. That's not enough. Let me give you another five dollars.
Larry takes out his wallet, and removes a ten dollar bill.
LARRY
Do you have change for a ten?
EMPLOYEE
Yes.
The Employee dumps all 500 pennies on Larry, and then takes the ten dollar bill and
walks away.
BANK TELLER
Next.
Roberto and Larry walk up to the teller. Roberto is still holding the box of pizza.
BANK TELLER
Can I help you?
Roberto puts the pizza box on the counter and opens it. He and Larry each take a
slice and begin eating it.
ROBERTO
(to Bank Teller)
Do you have any crushed red pepper we can put on this pizza?
BANK TELLER
Um. No. Can I help you with anything else?
ROBERTO
Yes. I need to make a withdrawal from account number 123456789-10.
BANK TELLER
What's your name?
ROBERTO
Roberto the Rooster.
BANK TELLER
And how much money do you want to take out of your account?
ROBERTO
One dollar.
BANK TELLER
Okay.
The Bank Teller takes a one dollar bill from the register and hands it to Roberto.
BANK TELLER
There you go. One dollar. Anything else?
ROBERTO
No.
BANK TELLER
Okay. Thank you.
(to Louis)
Next.
Louis walks up to the Bank Teller.
ROBERTO
Wait, Louis. Before you deposit all of your rent money, let me pay you my rent.
Now, let's see. I just got one dollar from my bank account. And I already had
(removes many bricks of hundred dollar bills from his pocket)
72 million dollars in my pocket.
LOUIS
You already has 72 million dollars in your pocket, and you waited in line to get
one dollar?
ROBERTO
That is correct. And now I have 72 million one dollars total. And I owe you 805
dollars.
He takes eight $100 bills from one of the bricks, and hands them to Louis as he
counts.
ROBERTO
One hundred, two hundred, three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred,
seven hundred, eight hundred...
(to Larry)
Larry--I do not have five dollars in change. Would you happen to have five dollars
on you?
LARRY
Yeah.
Larry takes five hundred pennies out of his pockets and pours them into Roberto's
hands. Roberto takes the pennies and throws them all at Louis.
ROBERTO
There you go. 805 dollars.
"The Buffet"
INT. HOMEVILLE BUFFET - DAY
with a thick Spanish accent, and has a passionate, intense personality) walks in to
the restaurant and up to the HOST (male).
ROBERTO
HOST
Okay, Mr. Rooster. Welcome to Homeville Buffet.
Roberto gets close to him and stares him right in the eye.
ROBERTO
What is this buffet you speak of?
HOST
Homeville Buffet.
ROBERTO
Buff-_what_?
HOST
Buffet.
ROBERTO
Is there also a
(pulls out a giant B, C, etc. from his coat, and drops each letter on the floor)
Buff-B, Buff-C, Buff-D, Buff-E, Buff-F, and Buff-G?
HOST
No.
ROBERTO
How about a
(pulls out a giant H, I, J, and K)
Buff-HIJK?
HOST
No. And there's also no Buff-LMNOP. Just A. This is a buffet.
ROBERTO
Aha!
Roberto picks up all of the letters and throws them into a trash can. He then picks
up the trash can and throws it out of the window.
ROBERTO
(to Host)
You must describe to me what a buffet is.
HOST
It's, uh--you know. A buffet.
ROBERTO
No. I do not know.
Roberto takes out a nail clipper, and clips his fingernails as he says:
ROBERTO
Tell me about it. I must know. I must know what a buffet is. Tell me what a buffet
is.
HOST
Uh. Why are you clipping your nails?
ROBERTO
Because they are too long.
HOST
Right.
Roberto takes out his phone and calls someone.
ROBERTO
(into phone)
Billy. Can you come to Homeville buffet for a second, and vacuum my nail clippings?
... Okay.
He puts away the phone. BILLY walks through the door with a vacuum, vacuums the
nails, and leaves.
HOST
Who was that?
ROBERTO
My maid, Billy.
HOST
Oh. Okay.
ROBERTO
So, tell me--what is a buffet?
HOST
It, uh, this. _This_ is a buffet. You're in a buffet.
Roberto looks around, and sees DINERS eating and getting food.
ROBERTO
Ah ha! So it is like a place where you do the chicken dance.
HOST
No. Not really.
ROBERTO
Well which dance are you supposed to do in a buffet?
HOST
A buffet is a restaurant--except instead of ordering food and waiting for it, you
just walk around and eat whatever you want.
ROBERTO
I think I understand. You are saying I shall do the _funky_ chicken dance.
Roberto starts dancing the funky chicken.
HOST
No. That's not what I'm saying.
ROBERTO
Interesting.
He stops dancing.
ROBERTO
I am still not sure I understand what a buffet is.
HOST
It's like a restaurant. Except the food is everywhere, and you get it yourself.
ROBERTO
My goodness. There is food everywhere?
HOST
Yeah.
ROBERTO
If there is food everywhere, then there must be food on the ceiling.
He grabs a ladder climbs to the top, looks at the ceiling, and then comes back
down.
He takes a glove out of his pocket, and uses it to slap the Host.
ROBERTO
Liar! I did not see any food on the ceiling. I only saw a _ceiling_ on the ceiling.
No food. Just ceiling.
The Host grabs the glove, and uses it to slap Roberto.
HOST
The point is, there's food _almost_ everywhere. And whatever food you see, you can
just eat it. Grab a plate, and eat whatever you want.
ROBERTO
Fascinating. I will partake in this ritual-like feeding you have described.
HOST
Excuse me?
ROBERTO
I, Roberto the Rooster, am going to eat at this buffet.
(sings)
I will eat my lunch today / I will eat at this buffet
(stops singing)
Now, shall we discuss the financial arrangements?
HOST
What?
ROBERTO
(sings)
I will eat my lunch today / I will eat at this buffet / There is one thing I must
say / How much do I have to pay?
HOST
Oh. To eat at this buffet, you have to pay $2.99.
ROBERTO
I see. That is no small sum. Well. I do happen to have
(reaches into his pocket, and takes out several bricks of hundred dollar bills,
along with two one dollar bills and 99 cents in change)
72 million two dollars and 99 cents in my pocket.
(hands $2.99 to the Host)
Here's $2.99.
(puts the rest of the money back into his pocket)
But before I eat here, I must meet the chef.
Roberto climbs the ladder again, looks at the ceiling, and then climbs back down.
ROBERTO
The chef is not on the ceiling, either.
HOST
He's in the kitchen.
(points somewhere)
Over there.
ROBERTO
Yes. Of course.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Roberto walks up to the CHEF (male, 40).
ROBERTO
Are you the Chef?
CHEF
Yes.
ROBERTO
CHEF
Are you really a rooster?
ROBERTO
Yes. I shall prove it to you by doing the chicken dance. Shall I do funky chicken,
or _non_-funky chicken.
CHEF
_Non_-funky chicken.
ROBERTO
Very well.
The Chicken Dance Music plays, and Roberto does the chicken dance.
CHEF
That doesn't prove you're a rooster. I mean, I'm not a rooter, and I can do the
chicken dance.
The Chicken Dance Music plays, and the Chef does the chicken dance.
ROBERTO
Anyways, before I eat my meal here, I would like to play a game of Quiet with you.
It is a tradition in my country.
CHEF
What's Quiet?
Roberto hands him a giant book.
ROBERTO
Here are the rules. To play the game of Quiet, you have to be quiet. The first
person or rooster who talks, loses the game--and then the other player pours a
bottle of papaya juice on his head. Do you want to play?
CHEF
I suppose.
ROBERTO
Fantastic. I will do a countdown first. And then the game will begin.
CHEF
A countdown?
ROBERT
Yes. Before we start the game, I will say the number 5, and then I will say the
number 4, and then I will continue to go down in numbers. And then I will say
"quiet," and the game will start, and we will both be quiet. Okay. So here is the
countdown.
(puts up 5 fingers, then 4, then 3)
5, 4, 3, quiet.
CHEF
... What about 2?
Roberto pours a bottle of papaya juice on the Chef's head.
ROBERTO
You just lost the game. You spoke. You said, "What about 2?" You were supposed to
be quiet after I said quiet.
CHEF
Oh. Well. Let's play one more time.
ROBERTO
Fine.
CHEF
But I get to do the countdown thing. Okay?
ROBERTO
Okay.
CHEF
(puts up fingers)
5, 4, 3, quiet.
ROBERTO
What about 2?
The Chef pours a bottle of papaya juice on Roberto's head.
CHEF
be quiet after I said quiet.
ROBERTO
I see. You are very tricky, Mr. Chef. Shall we play one more time?
CHEF
Fine.
ROBERTO
Okay. I will do the countdown.
(puts up fingers)
5, 4, 3, quiet. What about 2?
The Chef and Roberto each (simultaneously) pour a bottle of papaya juice on
Roberto's head.
CHEF
be quiet after you said quiet.
ROBERTO
Ah, yes. I did in fact speak. Well. Now it is time for my meal.
(sings)
I will eat my lunch today / I will eat at this buffet
INT. HOMEVILLE BUFFET - DAY
Roberto walks out of the kitchen and into the main room. He walks up to a table,
grabs a plate of tacos from a MAN, and starts eating the tacos.
MAN
Hey. You can't eat those tacos.
ROBERTO
This is a buffet. I am supposed to walk around and eat whatever food I see.
MAN
Oh. Right. Well...
The MAN grabs a plate from PERSON across from him, and begins eating from it.
PERSON
Hey.
The Person walks over to another table, and takes a plate from SOMEONE ELSE. Pretty
soon, EVERYONE is grabbing plates from everyone else, and pandemonium ensues.
The Host grabs a megaphone.
HOST
Hey! Stop it!
Everyone stops.
HOST
You're not supposed to take food from other people's plates. You're supposed to
take food from the counters.
ROBERTO
I see.
Roberto walks over to the buffet counters, grabs a plate, and begins examining the
food.
ROBERTO
The potatoes. It appears as if they they have been... mashed. The potatoes have
been mashed.
He walks into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
ROBERTO
Mr. Chef. There is a situation in the other room. Someone has mashed the potatoes!
Roberto grabs a glue bottle and some potato skins.
ROBERTO
Let us take this glue and these potato skins, and use them to unmash the potatoes.
CHEF
The potatoes are supposed to be mashed. I mashed them. Like this.
He mashes a potato with his fist.
ROBERTO
I see. So you don't want to unmash the potatoes?
CHEF
No!
Roberto puts down the glue bottle and potato skins.
ROBERTO
Okay. Shall we play the quiet game one more time?
CHEF
Fine. But no countdown this time. The game will start when I say quiet. Okay?
Quiet.
ROBERTO
What about 2?
The Chef pours a bottle of papaya juice on Roberto's head.
INT. HOMEVILLE - BUFFET - DAY
Roberto walks back to the mashed potatoes. He turns to a WOMAN standing next to
him.
ROBERTO
These potatoes. They are mashed.
WOMAN
Yeah. They're mashed potatoes.
ROBERTO
Shall I eat some mashed potatoes?
WOMAN
I don't know.
ROBERTO
You are a very wise woman.
(gets down on one knee and presents a ring in a box)
Would you like to be my wife?
WOMAN
I don't know you.
Roberto gets up.
ROBERTO
Ah. Yes. You are right. You do not know me. And you should not marry people that
you do not know. You are very wise, indeed.
(gets down on know knee and presents the ring again)
WOMAN
No. I don't know you.
Roberto gets up and scoops some mashed potatoes onto this plate. He then looks at
his plate.
ROBERTO
A spoon! A fork! I do not have any utensils! How am I to eat these potatoes that
are mashed, if I do not have a spoon or a fork? I am going to have to make my own
spoon and fork. But with what?
(to Woman)
Your shoes. Take them off. I will use them to make a spoon and fork, so that I can
eat these mashed potatoes.
WOMAN
Um. Just go to your table. There's a fork, spoon, and knife there.
ROBERTO
A knife? I do not need to cut these potatoes with a knife. They have already been
mashed.
WOMAN
You're supposed to use the knife for other stuff.
ROBERTO
I see.
Roberto sits down at a table next to MAN 2 and WOMAN 2. He then takes off his
shoes, and uses a knife to trim his toenails.
WOMAN 2
What are you doing?
ROBERTO
I am using my knife to trim my toenails.
WOMAN 2
Why?
ROBERTO
Because my toenails are too long.
WOMAN 2
You're not supposed to trim your toenails in a restaurant.
ROBERTO
You are a very wise woman.
(gets on one knee and presents the ring)
MAN 2
She's _my_ wife. And what are you doing at our table?
Roberto sits on the chair again and resumes cutting his toenails with his knife.
ROBERTO
I am trimming my toenails at your table.
MAN 2
Well go trim your toenails somewhere else.
ROBERTO
But now I am done trimming my toenails. And now I am going to eat my mashed
potatoes.
MAN 2
Well go eat your mashed potatoes somewhere else.
ROBERTO
Like where? At my Aunt Sophia's house?
MAN 2
No.
ROBERTO
How about my Aunt Carmen's house? She has a Chutes and Ladders game in her kitchen
cabinet.
MAN 2
(points to an empty table)
How about you go to that table over there?
ROBERTO
That table does not have Chutes and Ladders.
MAN 2
Who cares about Chutes and Ladders? Go to that table and eat your mashed potatoes.
ROBERTO
You are a very wise man.
(gets on one knee and presents the ring)
Will you be my wife?
MAN 2
I'm already married.
ROBERTO
You are a very wise man, indeed. I shall go to that table.
Roberto gets up and sits down at an empty table.
ROBERTO
(sings)
I am not married to J. Lo / I will eat my mashed potatoes
He notices the ketchup bottle.
ROBERTO
There is some sort of strange red device on my table.
(looks around)
There is one on every table.
(grabs the bottle on his table)
This must be some sort of spy device!
He grabs a megaphone, stands on his table, and addresses the restaurant.
ROBERTO
May I have your attention please! I have just discovered some sort of red spy
device on every table in here. Somebody is using these red things to spy on us as
we eat our mashed potatoes and other assorted foods. I think it is the Canadians!
The Canadians are spying on us with these red things! I shall alert our President
immediately.
He takes out his phone, and stares at it for a few seconds.
ROBERTO
Does anyone know the President's telephone number? Does it start with a 1? I think
it might start with a 1. Or maybe a 2 or 3. Or perhaps a 4, 5, or 6, or 7, or 8, or
9.
The Host walks up to Roberto. He grabs the ketchup bottle.
HOST
This is a ketchup bottle. See?
He pouts some ketchup on Roberto's mashed potatoes. Roberto sits down and examines
the ketchup.
ROBERTO
The Canadians are using ketchup to spy on us?!
HOST
This isn't spy ketchup. It's just ketchup. No one's using it to spy on you.
Roberto looks at his plate.
ROBERTO
You poured ketchup all over my mashed potatoes.
HOST
If you don't want ketchup on your mashed potatoes, you can go over
(points to the buffet's mashed potatoes)
there get some more mashed potatoes.
ROBERTO
Sir. You do not seem to understand. In my country, when someone pours ketchup on
your potatoes, that means he either wants to go to Disneyland with you, or he wants
to be your dentist. By the way--I already have a dentist. His name is Larry.
HOST
I don't want to be your dentist.
ROBERTO
Aha! I think I know what that means.
EXT. DISNEYLAND - DAY
Roberto and the Host are eating cotton candy.
HOST
What are we doing at Disneyland?
ROBERTO
We are eating cotton candy!
"Printer Ink"
with a thick Spanish accent, and has a passionate, intense personality) is seated
at a desk, with a computer and printer. LARRY (40, wears a dentist's uniform) walks
up to him.
LARRY
Are you ready to go?
ROBERTO
I need to print something first, on my printer.
LARRY
How do you print something on your printer?
ROBERTO
Well.
(uses his mouse to click "File" on his computer)
I click this thing that says file.
(picks up a papaya)
Then I take a bite of this papaya.
(takes a bite of the papaya)
Then I
(uses his mouse to click "Print" on his computer)
click this thing that says print. And then I do the chicken dance.
The chicken dance song starts playing, and Roberto gets up and does the chicken
dance.
LARRY
Why isn't your printer printing something?
ROBERTO
I do not know. Let me ask it.
(to Printer)
Why aren't you printing?
PRINTER
I'm out of ink.
The printer's screen says "I'm Out of Ink."
PRINTER
See?
ROBERTO
Ah. Yes.
(to Larry)
The printer has no more ink. It needs ink to print.
LARRY
Does it need to eat papaya, too?
ROBERTO
No. _I_ need to eat papaya.
(takes another bite of the papaya)
The printer needs ink. We must go buy some.
INT. STORE - DAY
Roberto and Larry walk into the store, and up to an EMPLOYEE.
ROBERTO
Hello. Is this an office supply store?
EMPLOYEE
No. This is a _pocket_ supply store. We sell stuff you can put in your pockets--
like
(takes items out of his pockets)
bubble gum, pens, cell phones, and dollar bills.
LARRY
You sell dollar bills here?
EMPLOYEE
Yes.
LARRY
How much do they cost?
EMPLOYEE
One dollar.
LARRY
That sounds like a bargain.
Larry grabs a dollar bill off of a counter, and takes it to a CASHIER.
LARRY
I'd like to buy one one dollar bill.
CASHIER
That'll be one dollar.
Larry takes a dollar bill out of his wallet, and gives it to the cashier.
The cashier takes the one dollar bill, and puts it in the cash register. He then
takes the original dollar bill for sale, puts it in a bag, and hands to to Larry.
CASHIER
Thanks you for shopping at the pocket supply store. Have a nice day.
INT. OFFICE SUPPLY STORE - DAY
Roberto and Larry walk in to the store and up to EMPLOYEE 2.
ROBERTO
Hello. I am Roberto the Rooster, and this is my dentist Larry.
Larry is brushing his teeth.
EMPLOYEE 2
What can I do for you?
ROBERTO
Is this an office supply store?
EMPLOYEE 2
Yes.
ROBERTO
I need ink for my printer.
Larry spits.
EMPLOYEE 2
Well, uh--what kind of printer do you have?
ROBERTO
The PrintCo 123456HIJK999SRT982789JJJFL23
EMPLOYEE 2
Did you say the PrintCo 123456
(makes a raspberry sound)
(rings a cowbell)
(honks a horn)
FFC3456?
ROBERTO
No. I said the PrintCo 123456HIJK999SRT982789JJJFL23.
EMPLOYEE 2
Oh. Okay. The printer ink cartridges are this way.
He leads them to another section of the store. Larry stops and points to a pack of
paper.
LARRY
Wait a second. What's that?
EMPLOYEE 2
That's a pack of paper.
LARRY
Can I hug it?
EMPLOYEE 2
You want to hug a pack of paper?
LARRY
Yes.
EMPLOYEE 2
Fine.
Larry picks up the pack of paper and hugs it.
EMPLOYEE 2
Anyways, the printer ink is over here.
He continues leading them to another section of the store. He starts looking

through the various packages of printer ink in stock.
EMPLOYEE 2
Well. Let's see. It looks like we don't have any more ink cartridges for the
PrintCo 123456HIJK999SRT982789JJJFL23 printer.
LARRY
(to Roberto)
I have an idea. How about instead of using ink to print stuff on your printer, we
use toothpaste?
ROBERTO
How can we use toothpaste to print stuff?
LARRY
You know. We get a piece of paper, and then we get toothpaste, and then we print.
Larry takes a sheet of paper out of the pack from before, then uses a tube of
toothpaste to squeeze toothpaste all over the sheet.
LARRY
See?
ROBERTO
You did not print anything, Larry. All you did was squeeze toothpaste on a piece of
paper.
LARRY
Oh. How about I use ketchup instead?
Larry takes a bottle of ketchup out of his pocket, and squeezes some ketchup on
another piece of paper.
ROBERTO
Larry. If we want to print stuff, we need an ink cartridge. Not a bottle of ketchup
or a tube of toothpaste.
INT. CAR - DAY
Roberto is driving, and Larry is in the passenger's seat, looking at his cell
phone.
ROBERTO
Okay, Larry. Use your phone to find another store.
Larry types on his phone.
LARRY
It says here that there's a store at 486 Main Street.
ROBERTO
Which way is that?
LARRY
(to phone)
Which way is that?
PHONE
Turn right at the next street.
LARRY
Which way is right?
PHONE
I'll just take you there.
The phone attaches itself to the steering wheel and starts driving.
EXT. SIDEWALK (COMERCIAL AREA) - DAY
Roberto and Larry are walking on the sidewalk. Roberto looks at a building.
ROBERTO
Okay. This is 476 Main Street. The store is at 486 Main Street.
LARRY
Oh. Well maybe 486 Main Street is under 476 Main Street. Let's start digging.
Larry grabs a shovel.
ROBERTO
Um. 486 Main Street is not under 476 Main Street. It is
(points)
that way.
Roberto and Larry walk to the next store.
ROBERTO
Aha. 486 Main Street.
Larry still has a shovel in his hand.
LARRY
Okay. Let's start digging.
ROBERTO
We do not need to dig, Larry. The store is right here.
INT. KETCHUP STORE - DAY
Roberto and Larry walk in, and up to EMPLOYEE 3.
ROBERTO
Hello. I am looking for ink for my printer.
EMPLOYEE 3
Um. We don't have any ink here. This is a ketchup store.
Roberto looks around, and sees nothing but wall-to-wall ketchup bottles. Every
bottle looks exactly the same.
ROBERTO
A ketchup store?
(to Larry)
Larry--why are we at a ketchup store?
LARRY
To buy ketchup. I mean, like, I have this bottle of ketchup in my pocket.
(takes the bottle out of his pocket)
But what if we want to eat a really big potato, and we want to put lots and lots of
ketchup on it? This bottle won't be enough. We need to buy more ketchup. At this
ketchup store.
(to Employee 3)
Excuse me. Where's your ketchup?
EMPLOYEE 3
It's
(points)
there. And
(points somewhere else)
there. And
there. And
there. And
there. This is a ketchup store. There's ketchup everywhere.
Larry gets a shopping cart. He walks up to one section of the store, grabs a bottle
of ketchup, and puts it in his cart. He then goes to another section of the store
and does the same thing. He quickly repeats the process several times.
INT. CRAZY AL'S OFFICE SUPPLY STORE - DAY
Larry and Roberto walk into the store, and up to its employee LORENZO.
LORENZO
Hi. Welcome to Crazy Al's Office Supply Store.
LARRY
Are you Al?
LORENZO
No. I'm Lorenzo.
LARRY
Where's Al?
LORENZO
Which Al?
LARRY
Al of Crazy Al's Office Supply Store.
LORENZO
Oh. _That_ Al. He's peeling bananas.
AL is peeling bananas near the cashiers. There's a mountain of peeled bananas and
another mountain of unpeeled bananas next to him.
ROBERTO
Why?
LORENZO
Because you have to peel bananas first before you eat them.
ROBERTO
But why is he peeling hundreds of bananas in the middle of his office supply store?
LORENZO
Oh. Um. Because he's crazy. Crazy Al. Remember?
ROBERTO
Oh. Yes. Anyways, I need ink for my printer.
LORENZO
What kind of printer do you have?
ROBERTO
The PrintCo 123456HIJK999SRT982789JJJFL23
LORENZO
Did you say the PrintCo 123456
(rings a bell)
(plays the cymbals)
FFJPL?
ROBERTO
No. I said the PrintCo 123456HIJK999SRT982789JJJFL23.
LORENZO
Oh. Okay. The printer ink cartridges are this way.
He leads them to another section of the store.
LORENZO
Okay. Here's the ink you're looking for.
ROBERTO
How much for one?
EMPLOYEE
$10.
Roberto grabs one.
ROBERTO
How much for two?
LORENZO
$20.
Roberto grabs another one.
ROBERTO
How much for three?
LORENZO
$30.
ROBERTO
How much for four?
LORENZO
$40.
ROBERTO
How much for five?
LORENZO
$50.

ROBERTO
How much for 100?
LORENZO
$1,000.
Roberto grabs dozens of them.
ROBERTO
How much for one billion?
EMPLOYEE
$10 billion.
Roberto drops all but one of them.
ROBERTO
Okay. I will take one.
Roberto takes one ink cartridge, and heads on over to the cashier as Larry follow
him.
ROBERTO
I would like to buy this ink cartridge.
CASHIER
Okay. That'll be...
Al walks over to Roberto.
AL
Wait a second. You want to buy that?
ROBERTO
Yes.
AL
Well. Before you do, you have to peel 500 bananas.
ROBERTO
Why?
AL
What do you mean why? Because I'm crazy.
ROBERTO
I see.
Roberto quickly peels 500 bananas. He the walks back up to the Cashier.
ROBERTO
Okay. I would like to buy this ink cartridge.
CASHIER
That'll be $10.
Roberto hands the Cashier a $10 bill, and the Cashier puts the ink cartridge in a
bag and hands it to Roberto.
AL
Before you go, I'm gonna give you some free bananas.
He hands Roberto a few bunches of unpeeled bananas.
AL
And do you want to know why I'm giving you these bananas?
ROBERTO
Because you are crazy?
AL
Yeah!
Roberto and Larry walk in. Roberto is holding an ink cartridge, and Larry is
holding bananas and ketchup bottles.
ROBERTO
Okay. We got the ink cartridge.
LARRY
And the ketchup. And the bananas.
ROBERTO
Now I must put the ink cartridge in the printer.
Roberto sits down at his computer. Larry begins peeling a banana. Roberto opens the
printer.
LARRY
Is that where the bananas goes?
ROBERTO
No. The banana goes in your mouth.
LARRY
Right.
Larry begins eating a banana.
ROBERTO
This is where the ink cartridge goes.
He takes out the old ink cartridge.
LARRY
What's that?
ROBERTO
This is the old ink cartridge. It does not have any more ink in it.
Roberto throws the old ink cartridge into a trash can that's across the room. He
then takes the new ink cartridge out of its box.
ROBERTO
Now I will put the new ink cartridge in the printer.
Larry starts peeling another banana.
LARRY
And I'll put the new banana in my mouth.
Larry starts eating the the banana. Roberto installs the new ink cartridge. He
closes the printer.
ROBERTO
Okay. Now we can print. Let's see. File.
(uses his mouse to click "File" on his computer)
Papaya.
(picks up a papaya and bites into it)
Print.
(uses his mouse to click "Print" on his computer)
Chicken dance.
The chicken dance song starts playing, and Roberto gets up and does the chicken
dance. The printer prints one page. Roberto takes the sheet from the printer.
LARRY
What did you print?
ROBERTO
A shopping list. This is a list of things I need to buy.
Larry takes the sheet of paper and reads it.
LARRY
All it says here is nothing.
The page is titled "Shopping List," and under that it says the word "Nothing."
ROBERTO
Yes. Exactly. I do not need to buy anything. So my shopping list says "nothing."
LARRY
Well then what's the point of printing the list?
ROBERTO
Well. If I am in a store, I can look at my list and see that I do not need to buy
anything. Let me show you.
INT. STORE - DAY
Roberto is holding an empty shopping basket.
ROBERTO
You see? I am not buying anything. My basket is empty.
An EMPLOYEE walks up to him.
EMPLOYEE
Hi. Do you need any help with anything.
ROBERTO
Absolutely not. I am here for nothing.
"Mule and the City"
EXT. WALMART PARKING LOT - DAY
with a thick Spanish accent, and has a passionate, intense personality) rides a
mule into a Walmart parking lot. He approaches a space, as does a MAN driving a
car.
ROBERTO
Hey. I got here first, so I get to park in this space.
MAN
You can't park a donkey there.
ROBERTO
I am not parking a donkey. I am parking a mule.
MAN
You can't park a mule there, either. You can't park any animal in a parking space.
ROBERTO
Well, what about that guy?
SANTA CLAUS is parking his REINDEER in the lot.
MAN
That's Santa Claus, and he's parking his reindeer.
ROBERTO
And I am Roberto the Rooster, and I am parking my mule.
MAN
Well, Santa's allowed to park his reindeer, because he says, "Ho, ho, ho."
ROBERTO
Well, I think I should be allowed to park my mule, because I say,
(Spanish rooster sound)
"Kikirikí, ki-kiri-ki."
He parks his mule and gets off. He walks towards the entrance, and encounters Santa
Claus.
SANTA CLAUS
Ho, ho, ho.
ROBERTO
Hello, Senor Claus. What are you doing here at Walmart?
SANTA CLAUS
I'm buying gifts for Christmas.
Roberto takes out a calendar and opens it to the June page.
ROBERTO
But it is not Christmastime.
SANTA CLAUS
But I got a lot of gifts to buy, so I have to start early. I'll be here all week
buying gifts.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Roberto is riding his mule on the sidewalk. A Walmart shopping cart is attached to
the mule. A POLICE OFFICER stops them.
POLICE OFFICER
Sir. It's against the law to ride a donkey in this city.
ROBERTO
Well.
Roberto takes out a pair of binoculars, and uses them to look around.
ROBERTO
I do not see anyone riding a donkey. But if I do see someone riding a donkey later,
I will be sure to tell the police.
POLICE OFFICER
_You're_ the one who's riding a donkey. That's against the law. If you keep on
riding that donkey, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket.
ROBERTO
I am not riding a donkey.
POLICE OFFICER
You're not?
ROBERTO
Of course not! I am riding a mule.
POLICE OFFICER
A mule?
ROBERTO
Yes. I can prove it.
He gets off of the mule, takes a jar of smooth peanut butter out of his pocket, and
pours its contents in front the donkey.
ROBERTO
Smooth peanut butter.
He takes a can of chunky peanut butter out of his other pocket, and pouts its
content in front of the donkey.
ROBERTO
Chunky peanut butter.
The mule starts licking the chunky peanut butter.
ROBERTO
You see? He is eating the chunky peanut butter. Everyone knows that donkeys eat
smooth peanut butter, while mules eat chunky peanut butter. Also, donkeys sing
Christmas songs, while mules sing Hanukkah songs. Shall I have my mule sing "Hava
Nagila" for you?
POLICE OFFICER
No.
ROBERTO
(to Mule)
Sing it, Maximilian.
MULE
(sings)
Hava nagila / Hava nagila / Hava nagila ve-nismeha
ROBERTO
You see? Maximilian is a mule--not a donkey. As for me, I am a rooster, and I eat
all kinds of peanut butter.
Roberto gets on all fours and licks the smooth peanut butter.
ROBERTO
But once again, he is a mule--not a donkey.
POLICE OFFICER
Listen. I don't care what animal he is, what kind of peanut butter he eats, and
what songs he sings. You can't ride him.
ROBERTO
Then what am I supposed to ride? An elephant?
Roberto gets on an elephant.
ELEPHANT
(sings)
ROBERTO
Wow. I did not know elephants also sing "Hava Nagila."
POLICE OFFICER
It's against the law to ride an elephant. Or a mule. Or a donkey. Or any animal. If
you want to ride something, it's got to be a bike or a car.
EXT. CAR LOT - DAY
Roberto rides his mule onto the lot. He gets off and walks up to a SALESMAN (male).
ROBERTO
Hello. I am Roberto the Rooster.
SALESMAN
Well. I'm Stanley the Salesman.
ROBERTO
Are you a _car_ salesman, or a _mule_ salesman?
SALESMAN
A car salesman.
ROBERTO
Good. I want to buy a car.
SALESMAN
What kind of car do you need?
ROBERTO
Well. One that smells like a mule.
The Salesman quickly sniffs all of the cars on the lot, and runs back to Roberto.
SALESMAN
We don't have any cars that smell like mules.
ROBERTO
Well, then. I need a car that has wheels, and goes "vroom, vroom, vroom." And one
that plays the song "Hava Nagila."
SALESMAN
Well.
He points to a car without wheels.
SALESMAN
Now, this one doesn't have wheels. So it's probably not what you're looking for.
He walks Roberto over to another car, and lifts the hood to reveal no engine.
SALESMAN
And this one doesn't have an engine--so it's not gonna go "vroom, vroom, vroom."
He walks Roberto over to another car.
SALESMAN
And this one doesn't have a radio--so it's not gonna play "Hava Nagila."
He walks Roberto over to a gigantic block of cheese.
SALESMAN
And this one isn't a car. It's a really big piece of cheese.
ROBERTO
What kind of cheese?
SALESMAN
Mozzarella cheese.
He walks Roberto over to another car.
SALESMAN
Now, this one is pretty good. It has wheels, an engine, and a radio.
ROBERTO
Is it a piece of cheese?
SALESMAN
No. It's a car.
ROBERTO
Great. I will buy it. And I will also buy the big piece of cheese.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Roberto is driving the car--only it's being carried by his mule. It also has the
big block of cheese attached to the roof. The Police Officer from before pulls him
over.
POLICE OFFICER
Didn't I tell you not to ride that donkey in this city?
ROBERTO
It is not a donkey. It is a mule. Remember the chunky peanut butter?
Roberto takes out a jar of chunk peanut butter and squeezes it, sending its
contents up into the air. The mule opens his mouth, and the peanut butter falls
right into it.
MULE
You know what would go good with this peanut butter? A gallon of milk.
Roberto take a gallon of milk out of his pocket, and uses an upwards motion to send
it flying out of the container. The mule opens his mouth, and all of the milk pouts
right into it.
POLICE OFFICER
(to Roberto)
Didn't I tell you not to ride a mule in this city?
ROBERTO
Ah! But I am not riding Maximilian. I am in my car. And Maximilian is pulling my
car. I am not riding him. If I were riding him, I'd be on top of him.
He gets out of the car and climbs onto the mule.
ROBERTO
Like this. But...
He gets of of the mule and back into the car.
ROBERTO
I am in the car. I am not on the mule.
POLICE OFFICER
Well, it's also against the law to have a mule pulling a car around.
ROBERTO
Law? What law?
The Police Officer hands Roberto ten giant books.
POLICE OFFICER
All of our laws are in those books.
Roberto opens one of the books.
ROBERTO
Let's see. "Number one. It is against the law to burp the ABCs. Unless you just
drank a bottle of papaya juice." Interesting.
(picks up an empty bottle of papaya juice)
I just drank this bottle of papaya juice. So it is not against the law for me to do
this:
(burps)
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.
(resumes reading the book)
"Number two. It is against the law to say 'pee pee, pee pee, la la, pee pee.'"
"Number three. It is against the law to call a cookie a koo-koo."
(to the Police Officer)
I do not see anything in here about mules.
POLICE OFFICER
Well. It's in there.
Cut to the evening. Roberto is still reading the law book, and the officer is still
standing by his car.
ROBERTO
(turns the page)
Oh. Here it is. "Number 1,276,943. It is against the law to have a large animal
walking around the city. Unless you are Santa Claus, and you say, 'Ho, ho, ho.'"
POLICE OFFICER
There you go. It's against the law to have that mule walking around the city.
ROBERTO
I see. Well, Mr. Officer--the next time you seem me, you will not see my mule
walking near me.
EXT. STREET - DAY

Roberto is driving his car. His mule is strapped to the roof. The Police Officer
pulls him over.
ROBERTO
Can I help you, Mr. Officer?
POLICE OFFICER
You got a mule strapped to the top of your car!
ROBERTO
Yes. That is correct. It is a mule--not a donkey.
(to Mule)
Sing it, Maximilian.
MULE
(sings)
POLICE OFFICER
That's against the law.
ROBERTO
It is against the law for a mule to sing "Hava Nagila?"
POLICE OFFICER
No. It's against the law to have a mule strapped to your car roof. By the way--what
happened to the big piece of cheese on your roof?
ROBERTO
I used it to make a giant pizza last night.
He grabs a normal sized pizza box from his passenger seat, opens the box, and then
takes out a folded up pizza. He unfolds it a dozen times, until it's a pizza that's
bigger than his car.
POLICE OFFICER
Well. I'm gonna have to give you a ticket.
The writes a ticket and gives it to Roberto, who is now eating the pizza.
ROBERTO
You are giving me a ticket for having a giant pizza?
POLICE OFFICER
No. I'm giving you a ticket for having a mule on top of your car. You can't have a
mule in this city.
(takes out the law book)
The law says, "It is against the law to have a big animal in the city. Unless
you're Santa Claus, and you say, 'Ho, ho, ho.'"
ROBERTO
Santa Claus?
POLICE OFFICER
Yeah. Santa Claus.
Santa Claus is flying his reindeer into the Walmart parking lot. The Police Officer
points at him.
POLICE OFFICER
That guy.
EXT. WALMART PARKING LOT - DAY
Roberto walks up to Santa Claus.
ROBERTO
Excuse me, Senor Claus.
SANTA CLAUS
Yes?
ROBERTO
I noticed that you have some reindeer.
SANTA CLAUS
Oh. Yes. Eight of them. They help me when I want to buy gifts and deliver them to
homes.
ROBERTO
Well. Do you think those reindeer are enough? Maybe you need more help.
SANTA CLAUS
Are you saying that I should get a ninth reindeer?
ROBERTO
Of course not. That would be silly. I am saying that you should get a mule.
SANTA CLAUS
A mule?
ROBERTO
Yes, Mr. Claus. A mule.
SANTA CLAUS
What mule?
Roberto points to the mule standing next to his car, licking chunk peanut butter
off of the roof.
ROBERTO
That mule.
MULE
This is good peanut butter. Nice and chunky, just the way I like it.
SANTA CLAUS
(to Roberto)
Oh. Uh. Well, can he fly?
ROBERTO
Of course he can fly. All mules eat chunky peanut butter and fly.
(to the Mule)
Maximilian. Fly.
The mule flies around and lands back in the same spot.
SANTA CLAUS
(to Roberto)
Well. He seems like a great mule. But there is one more thing. All of my reindeer
sing Christmas songs. Does your mule sing Christmas songs?
ROBERTO
He sings Hanukkah songs.
SANTA CLAUS
Well. That's close enough. I'll take him.
"Chair Shopping"
INT. FURNITURE STORE - SAY

with a thick Spanish accent, and has a passionate, intense personality) and LARRY
(40, wears a dentist's uniform) walk into a furniture store, and up to an EMPLOYEE
(male).
ROBERTO
Excuse me? Is this a store?
EMPLOYEE
Yes.
ROBERTO
And what kind of store is it?
EMPLOYEE
It's a furniture store.
ROBERTO
Aha! A furniture store!
Roberto quickly opens and closes several drawers of a chest. He then gets into a
bed, and sleeps for three seconds while snoring loudly. The Employee and Larry
stand there and watch him. Roberto pops out of the bed.
ROBERTO
I am Roberto the Rooster, and this
(takes out a spotlight, and puts it on Larry)
is my dentist Larry.
EMPLOYEE
You hang out with your dentist?
ROBERTO
Yes. All the time.
EMPLOYEE
Why?
ROBERTO
Because he knows a lot about teeth.
LARRY
What are teeth?
ROBERTO
Teeth. You know. The things that you brush with a toothbrush.
LARRY
Oh yeah. Teeth. Yeah. I know a lot about teeth. I even have a toothbrush on my
keychain. See?
He takes out his keychain with a toothbrush on it.
LARRY
That way, when I'm opening the door to my home with my keys, I can also brush my
teeth. Let me show you.
He grabs their wrists and quickly leads them out of the store...
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
...and into a car in the parking lot. They get in, and drive away.
EXT. STREET - DAY
They pull up to a street parking space and get out. Larry quickly rushes them into
an apartment building lobby,
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY - DAY
and into the elevator. The elevator door closes.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALL - DAY
The elevator door opens, and Larry rushes them to the front door of his apartment.
He takes out his keys, puts the attached toothbrush in the keyhole, and then uses a
key to brush his teeth.
LARRY
See. I'm brushing my teeth while I unlock my door.
ROBERTO
Larry. You put your toothbrush in the keyhole, and now you're brushing your teeth
with your key.
LARRY
Oh. Yeah. Right. Let me switch those.
He switches them.
LARRY
Okay. Now I'm brushing my teeth while I unlock my door.
ROBERTO
What about toothpaste?
LARRY
I have toothpaste in my pocket.
He reaches into his pocket, takes out a handful of toothpaste, puts a tiny bit of
it on his toothbrush, and then continues brushing.
ROBERTO
What about water? Don't you need to rinse with water?
LARRY
That's why I put this vending machine next to my apartment.
The camera changes to reveal a vending machine near his front door. Larry puts a
dollar in it, and gets a bottle of water. He opens the bottle, and uses the water
to rinse, and then spits the water onto the floor.
LARRY
Okay. My teeth are clean. Let's go.
He quickly leads them into the elevator. The elevator closes.
The elevator opens, and Larry quickly leads them out of the elevator, into the
lobby, out onto the street,
EXT. STREET - DAY
and into the car. They get in, and he drives away.
He parks, and leads them back into the furniture store.
INT. FURNITURE STORE - DAY
ROBERTO
(to Employee)
Anyways. I am looking for some furniture.
He takes out a magnifying glass and uses it to examine the store
EMPLOYEE
Okay.
LARRY
And I am not looking for some furniture. I'm just gonna go ahead and play the
maracas.
He takes out two maracas and shakes them.
EMPLOYEE
Okay.
ROBERTO
Do you have any sofas?
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. Let me show them to you.
ROBERTO
Why? I do not need a sofa. I already have a sofa. In fact, I have three sofas. I
named them Joe, Flo, and Schlomo. Let me show you.
He grabs their wrists and quickly leads them out of the store...
...and into a car in the parking lot. They get in, and drive away.
EXT. STREET - DAY
They pull up to a street parking space and get out. Roberto quickly rushes them
into an apartment building lobby,
and into the elevator. The elevator door closes.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALL - DAY
The elevator door opens, and Roberto rushes them to the front door of his
apartment. He takes out his keys, and puts one in the keyhole.
LARRY
You don't have a toothbrush on your keychain?
ROBERTO
No. What kind of a crazy person puts a toothbrush on his keychain?
He puts a dollar into a vending machine that's next to his apartment door. He
presses a button, and a pair of maracas fall from a row. He takes out the maracas,
and shakes them. He then opens the door and leads them in.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Roberto points to three sofas that are stacked one on top of the other.
ROBERTO
Look. Three sofas.
EMPLOYEE
Why do you have two of your sofas on one of your sofas?
ROBERTO
Well where am I supposed to put the other two sofas?
EMPLOYEE
Somewhere else in your apartment?
ROBERTO
What kind of a crazy person has three sofas, and does not put two on top of the
first sofa? OK. Let us return to the store.
Roberto quickly leads them out of the apartment...
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - DAY
and into the elevator. The elevator closes.
The elevator opens, and Larry quickly leads them out of the elevator, into the
lobby, out onto the street,
EXT. STREET - DAY
and into the car. They get in, and he drives away.
He parks, and leads them back into the furniture store.
ROBERTO
So like I was saying, I am looking for some furniture.
EMPLOYEE
What kind of furniture?
ROBERTO
Well. Something to sit on. But not a sofa.
LARRY
How about a turkey sandwich?
Larry drops a turkey sandwich on the floor and sits on it.
ROBERTO
A turkey sandwich? I was thinking of something like a big rock.
EMPLOYEE
How about a chair?
ROBERTO
Yes! A chair!
EMPLOYEE
Well. We have plenty of chairs. Let me show them to you.
He leads them to the chair section.
EMPLOYEE
(points to a polka dot chair)
That's a chair.
(points to Lay-Z-Boy recliner)
And that's a chair.
(points to a normal chair)
And that's a chair.
(points to a pear)
And that's a pear.
(points to VOLTAIRE)
And that's Voltaire.
(points to BILL GATES)
And that's a billionaire.
(points to a pair of boxer shorts)
And that's my underwear
(points to another chair)
And that's a chair.
(points to another chair)
And that's a chair.
(point to a giant block of cheese)
And that's a big piece of cheese.
ROBERTO
Five chairs. Excellent.
The grabs a megaphone and addresses the CUSTOMERS.
ROBERTO
Everyone. We are going to play a game of musical chairs. All of you sit on a chair.
Five Customers sit on five chairs.
ROBERTO
Now get up, and keep walking around and around. And then when I stop singing, sit
down in a chair.
Roberto sings a song with no lyrics for several seconds, while Larry takes away one
of the chairs to a storage back room, and runs back to where everyone is playing
musical chairs. Roberto stops singing. Four of the Customers sit on chairs.
Customer 5 looks around, and then walks over to the giant piece of cheese and sits
on it.
ROBERTO
(to Customer 5)
What are you doing?
CUSTOMER 5
I'm sitting.
ROBERTO
You are sitting on a piece of cheese.
CUSTOMER 5
Yeah. So?
ROBERTO
You cannot sit on a piece of cheese.
CUSTOMER 5
Why not?
ROBERTO
Because we are not playing musical cheese. We are playing musical _chairs_. Cheese
is not a chair. Chairs are not cheese.
CUSTOMER 5
Fine. I'll sit somewhere else.
He walks over to the pear and sits on it.
ROBERTO
Now you are sitting on a pear.
CUSTOMER 5
Yeah. So?
ROBERTO
So you are not supposed to sit on a pear. You are supposed to sit on a _chair_. We
are playing musical _chairs_--not musical _pears_.
CUSTOMER 5
Fine.
He walks over to the boxer shorts and sits on them.
ROBERTO
Now you are sitting on underwear. You are not supposed to sit on underwear.
CUSTOMER 5
Why not?
ROBERTO
Because. We are playing musical _chairs_--not musical _underwear_.
CUSTOMER 5
Fine.
He walks over to Voltaire and sits on his head.
ROBERTO
Now you are sitting on Voltaire.
CUSTOMER 5
Yeah. So?
ROBERTO
You are not supposed to sit on Voltaire. You are supposed to sit on a _chair_. We
are playing musical _chairs_--not musical Voltaire.
CUSTOMER 4
Well maybe we should play musical Voltaire instead.
CUSTOMER 3
Or maybe we should play musical underwear.
He gets off of his chair and sits on the underwear.
CUSTOMER 2
Or maybe we should play musical pears.
He gets off of his chair and sits on on the pears.
CUSTOMER 1
Or maybe we should play musical cheese.
He gets off of his chair and sits on the cheese.
ROBERTO
Larry--are we playing musical chairs, musical pears, musical underwear, musical
Voltaire, or musical cheese?
LARRY
Um. I think we're playing musical _toothbrush_.
Larry takes out a toothbrush, puts it on the floor, and sits on it.
ROBERTO
Well. I say we are playing musical chairs.
Roberto sits on a chair.
EMPLOYEE
And I say, we're not playing musical _anything_. This is a furniture store--not a
birthday party. Now everyone get off the chairs, pears, underwear, Voltaires,
cheese, and toothbrushes.
Everyone gets up.
ROBERTO
(to Employee)
You are a party pooper.
EMPLOYEE
This is not a party! It's a furniture store.
ROBERTO
Ah, yes! A furniture store. Furniture.
(walks up to the cheese)
I really like this chair.
EMPLOYEE
That's a piece of cheese.
ROBERTO
Right. Yes. I
(walks up to a chair)
really like this chair.
EMPLOYEE
Great.
ROBERTO
What do you think, Larry?
LARRY
It's a nice chair. You know what you should do with it? You should attach a
toothbrush to it. That way, you can brush you teeth while you're sitting in that
chair. Let me show you.
He sits in another chair, attaches a toothbrush to it, and starts brushing his
teeth.
ROBERTO
Well. I prefer to brush my teeth in my bathroom.
LARRY
And I prefer to brush my teeth while I'm unlocking a door.
ROBERTO
Yes. We know.
(to Employee)
Anyways, Mr. Furniture Man. I will be back here tomorrow. Goodbye.
Roberto and Larry start walking towards the exit. The Employee lassos them back in.
EMPLOYEE
Wait a second. Aren't you gonna buy the chair?
ROBERTO
No. I am going to come back here tomorrow
(takes out a daily calendar to a page that says "May 7" - "Sit in chair")
to sit in the chair, and then I am going to come back here the day after tomorrow
(tears off calendar page, and reveals one that says "May 8" - "Sit in chair")
to sit in the chair. and then I am going to come here the day after the day after
tomorrow
(tears off calendar page, and reveals one that says "May 9" - "Sit in chair")
to sit in the chair, and so on,
(quickly tears off dozens of calendar pages)
and so forth.
EMPLOYEE
You can't do that.
ROBERTO
Why not?
EMPLOYEE
Because this is a furniture store. You buy furniture here. You don't just come here
every day to
(sits in a chair)
sit in a chair.
LARRY
Can you come here every day to brush your teeth?
Larry quickly takes out his toothbrush, puts his hand in his pocket and gets a gob
of toothpaste, puts some toothpaste on his toothbrush, brushes his teeth, runs to a
vending machine that just happens to be nearby, gets a bottle of water, rinses, and
spits out the water
EMPLOYEE
(pops out of his chair)
No!
ROBERTO
Well. I want to come here every day to sit in this chair.
EMPLOYEE
You can't. If you do that, my boss will throw you out of here.
ROBERTO
Your boss?
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. He owns this store. And if you sit in that chair every day, he'll pick
(picks up the pear)
you up, and throw
(throws the pear out of a window)
you out of here.
ROBERTO
I see. Well. Perhaps I will talk to this boss of yours, and change his mind.
EMPLOYEE
He's not here right now. But you can call him at this
(hands Roberto a business card)
phone number.
ROBERTO
This is not a phone number. This is a card.
EMPLOYEE
I know. His phone number is on the card.
ROBERTO
Yes. Okay.
(to Voltaire)
Let's go, Voltaire.
EMPLOYEE
Voltaire is supposed to stay here. You came in with the dentist.
ROBERTO
Oh. Right.
(to Larry)
Let's go, Larry.
Roberto and Larry walk in.
ROBERTO
(to Employee)
Hello, again. I, Roberto the Rooster, am back. With my dentist Larry.
Roberto sits in his chair.
EMPLOYEE
I thought I told you that you can't come in here and sit in this chair every day.
My boss isn't gonna let you.
The BOSS (male, 50) walks in.
EMPLOYEE
There he is.
(to Boss)
Boss. This guy wants to sit in this chair every day, without buying it.
BOSS
I know. That's Okay.
EMPLOYEE
Why is it okay?
BOSS
Because. I just sold him the store.
"Misc. Dialogue From Unfinished Episodes"

EXT. STREET - DAY
walking
visual
ROBERTO
What is going on here?
MAN
This is a garage sale.
ROBERTO
I see.
(takes some money out of his pocket)
Well. I will give you $5,000 for your garage.
MAN
We're not selling our garage. We're selling all the stuff we put out here.
Roberto looks around.
ROBERTO
I see.
(takes out some more money)
I will give you $10,000 for your garage.
MAN
Our garage isn't for sale!
LARRY
(to Roberto)
Look. They got some of those pagey thingies.
MAN
Pagey thingies? You mean books?
LARRY
Yeah. Books.
ROBERTO
Ah! Yes! Books. Maybe after we buy this man's garage, we will buy some of his
books.
MAN
My garage isn't for sale! I'm just selling the stuff in here.
LARRY
Like the pagey thingies?
MAN
They're called books!
LARRY
Right. Books.
(to Roberto)
Roberto--which pagey thing do you think we should buy?
ROBERTO
I do not know. Maybe this history book.
LARRY
And what should we do with that history book.
ROBERTO
We should sniff it.
Roberto sniffs the book.
MAN
You should _read_ it--not sniff it.
LARRY
What's the difference?
MAN
The difference is, reading is reading, and sniffing is sniffing.
ROBERTO
Yes. Of course. Reading.
He starts reading the book.
ROBERTO
Okay. It says here that in the year 1492, Christopher Colombus discovered America.
Roberto starts sniffing the book.
MAN
Stop sniffing the book. Read it.
ROBERTO
Well. Okay.
He reads some more.
ROBERTO
It says that before Colombus, many people did not know about America. But Colombus
looked around, and he found it.
(to Larry)
You know what? I have an idea.
LARRY
What? We should sniff the book?
ROBERTO
No. Let's find a new country. You know. The way Colombus did.
LARRY
Well, where should we look?
ROBERTO
Um. In your pockets.
Roberto examines Larry's pockets.

ROBERTO
Hm. This new country is very pockety.
MAN
That's because it's not a country. It's some guy's pockets. You ca't find a new
country in pockets.
ROBERTO
Right. Yes. We will find a new country _out_ of pockets. Let's get in my car.
Roberto is playing basektabll with a tennis ball and a laundry basket.
ROBERTO
(commentating as he plays)
The score is 85 to 85, with 10 seconds to play. LeBron pulls up for a jumper. He
shoots
(shoots a tennis ball into the laundry basket)
--he scores! The Lakers win, 87 to 85!
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
ROBERTO
Hello, Bernice.
BERNICE
Hi, Roberto. Why are you holding all of those clothes?
ROBERTO
Because. I am going to wash them in the laundry room.
BERNICE
But why don't you put the clothes in a laundry basket or a hamper?
ROBERTO
Because I use my laundry basket to play basketball. The Lakers won today--87 to 85.
INT. LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY
ROBERTO
Hello, Louis the Landlord.
LOUIS
Hi, Roberto.
LARRY
Where's that bell noise coming from?
ROBERTO
It is coming from my stomach. The bell means that it is lunchtime.
LARRY
Your stomach rings like a bell when it's lunchtime?
ROBERTO
Yes.
LARRY
That's weird. My stomach only rings like a bell when I brush my teeth. See?
ROBERTO
Anyways, it is lunchtime. Do you want to eat lunch?
LARRY
Yeah. How about we eat air for lunch?
Larry starts "eating" the air.
ROBERTO
Air is not food. So we cannot eat it for lunch.
LARRY
Oh. Well what if I put some ketchup on the air?
He spills some ketchup, and then starts "eating the air again.
ROBERTO
You are still just eating air--and air is not food, so we cannot eat it for lunch.
LARRY
Well then what should we eat?
ROBERTO
How about we make cheese sandwiches?
LARRY
Okay. But before we do, how about we sing the cheese sandwich song?
ROBERTO
Okay.
Roberto plays the drums and sings
ROBERTO
(singing)
Two slices of bread / And something else inside
(stops singing)
Wait a second. There's no such thing as the sandwich song.
LARRY
Oh yeah.
ROBERTO
Wait a second. I do not have any bread. Or cheese.
LARRY
Oh. Well. Let's try making a cheese sandwich without bread and without cheese.
ROBERTO
Okay.
LARRY
Alright. This is a cheese sandwich without bread and without cheese.
ROBERTO
Right. Um. Well.

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ROBERTO THE ROOSTER (Animated Children's TV Series)

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

"Old MacDonald Had a Bathroom"

INT. ROBERTO'S APARTMENT - DAY

Roberto throws a pumpkin pie in Louis's face.

He throws an apple pie in his face.

Louis throws a pie in Roberto's face.

INT. ROBERTO'S APARTMENT - DAY

Roberto is eating pie.

He throws a pumpkin pie in his face.

He turns on the shower and sprays water in the Plumber's face.

He pulls the lever to flush the toilet.

He gets on all fours, and barks at the toilet.

He gets on all fours and starts meowing at the toilet.

INT. ROBERTO'S APARTMENT - DAY

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

He grabs a plunger and uses it on the toilet.

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

INT. ROBERTO'S APARTMENT - DAY

The doorbell rings. Roberto opens the door to reveal JOE.

He throws a pumpkin pie in Roberto's face.

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

He removes the toilet's top cover and examines the inside.

He pulls a large waterslide out of the toilet.

The doorbell rings.

Roberto throws a pumpkin pie in his face.

He takes the pies and puts them down.

Roberto hands him a $100 bill.

He throws a pie at Roberto's face.

THe Delivery Man leaves.

Roberto closes the door and walks back to the bathroom.

Roberto is finishing his sandwich.

SUPER TOILET NINJA MASTER

Joe is finishing up working on the pipe.

Roberto is holding the tuba.

"The Bank Line"

INT. BANK - DAY

Roberto looks at the line.

Larry's pants fall, revealing his boxer shorts.

Roberto spots HOLLY THE HEN a couple of spots ahead of them.

Roberto makes some hissing sounds.

LOUIS (50) gets in line behind Roberto and Larry.

Roberto turns around.

He takes some watermelon seeds out of his pocket.

They wait five seconds.

Roberto takes off his shoe and looks inside.

The WOMAN next to them says:

She opens her purse and reveals the dirt.

I have this bottle of hot sauce.

INT. PIZZERIA - DAY

EXT. PIZZERIA AND BANK - DAY

INT. BANK - DAY

The Employee walks up to him and hands him the pizza.

Larry takes off his belt and hands it to the Employee.

I know. Um. I have more money in the jar that's in my pocket.