Dear

Dear Friends, This Is How to Support Me in a Depression 4/29/19, 12(43 PM
Dear Friends, This Is How to Support

Me in a Depression
You helped me a lot. Here’s how.
Teresa Colón Follow

Aug 27, 2018 · 7 min read
Courtesy of my bipolar disorder, I recently went through a depression. It

was nasty, it was ugly, and I hated it. It was also my best depression ever,
and I’ve shared why in this article.
One of the best actions I took during that depression was reaching out to
my support network. It’s the >rst time I’ve done so, and it made a
tremendous di?erence.
I know I’m lucky. Most people have no idea how to respond to someone
who is in a depression. I know this because I talk to people all the time
who have a loved one or a friend with a mental illness who feel helpless.
Let’s be honest: Depressed people are tough to be around.
“I wish I had the words to help [my friend] feel better.” “She ignores all
my texts. There’s no point in sending them.” “We set up times to hang
https://medium.com/personal-growth/dear-friends-this-is-how-to-support-me-in-a-depression-c211fcc5a56e Page 1 of 8
out, and he Iakes. What’s the point of even trying?” “I give [loved one]
advice, like going to take a walk, but they just don’t listen. What am I
supposed to do if they don’t want to feel better?”
I get it. I totally get it.
From the outside, a depressed person looks lazy. Slothful. Their groom-
ing is non-existent, and they hide from everyone. They become irrespon-
sible, unmotivated, irritable, and generally frustrating people.
Let’s be honest: Depressed people are tough to be around. Conversations

focus on their ugly feelings, and there’s usually no resolution to the dis-
cussion. As much as we want to love and support a depressed person, we
also worry about our mental health, too.
Going from depression to mentally healthy and resilient may be a sim-

ple process, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Here’s a little-known secret: Depressed people know this. It’s one reason
they Iake on hanging out with you. They don’t want to bring you or the
group down, and they especially don’t want to be a burden.
Here’s the reality: Depressed people really do want to feel better, but
most times your simple (and solid) advice feels overwhelming from a
practical perspective. How am I supposed to go to the gym when my
brain actively >ghts me on just getting out of bed?
Going from depression to mentally healthy and resilient may be a simple

process, but that doesn’t make it easy.
This is why I’ve never reached out to my support network before. I didn’t
want to deal with the stigma of being the Debbie Downer of the group or
deal with the judgment of being lazy and irresponsible.
Thankfully, many people in my support network have gotten educated

enough on mental illness that I didn’t face any of that. Instead, they did a
few simple things that made a tremendous di?erence for me.
Actions My Friends Took:
1. My friends sent text messages of love.
“Thinking of you” and “praying for you” messages are easy to send and
transmit love and acceptance. One girlfriend sent me a message every
three days. I don’t know if she calendared it or what, but her little notes
of support were entirely welcome.
Even better, she sent them even though I only responded to one of them.
2. They reminded me that my inner critic is wrong.
One friend sent this text message:
When we are in a depression, our inner critic goes into overdrive. Even
after years of therapy and hard work learning to combat that inner voice,
depression still grants it a megaphone. This message reminded me that
my brain lies to me and that I am not the awful failure it wants me to be-
lieve I am.
3. My friends came to me.
One friend heard I was in a depression and didn’t invite me to a co?ee

date. She’s smart, because I likely would have Iaked. Instead, she told
me she was bringing co?ee to me.
By not demanding anything more from me than opening the door, she
set me up positively for social time. I felt no pressure to do my hair, put
on makeup, or take any of the actions that would have prevented me

from being seen in public.
She also did not comment on my appearance or the mess in my house.

She was there for me, and for me alone. Being judgment-free gave me
space to enjoy her company without guilt.
4. My friends let me guide conversations.
There were opportunities for me to share my feelings, but it wasn’t

forced. We also talked about movies, current tv shows, our kids, and
more. Depression may have been the reason they showed up, but they
were willing to give me a respite from the experience of depression.
5. They promised me hugs.
The only reason I went to church on Sunday was that a friend texted that
there was a hug waiting for me. I didn’t wear makeup, and my clothes
were wrinkled. Usually, that would mean I wouldn’t leave the house. But
I had a friend at church expecting me so she could give me a hug and I
couldn’t let her down.
CAUTION: This one may not work for everyone. One of my primary love
languages is touch, so hugs go a long way toward helping me feel good. Oth-
ers have strong negative associations with physical touch, so it may not be a
good approach for them. For these people, I might try a di=erent approach,
such as “I have [favorite food] waiting for you” or something else that
demonstrates you know the person well.
Here’s what they didn’t do:

1. No one told me to me buck up and get over it.
Seriously, if I could have chosen happiness and joy, I would have.
2. No one asked me what caused my depression.
Some depressions have a cause, such as >nancial stress, job loss, or grief.
For some of us, depressions are just a part of life. When depression is
coded into our DNA, asking us what “caused” the depression only wors-
ens it. We feel additional guilt and shame over not having a good reason
for feeling terrible.
3. No one told me to lay it at the Cross.
Faith and prayer are absolutely part of the recovery process, but depres-
sion requires a multi-pronged approach. Calling it a spiritual issue sug-
gests that I’m a bad Christian at a moment when I’m particularly
vulnerable.
While God works miracles, they are often through everyday means. My
miracle has taken daily medication, therapy, journaling, support groups,
and yes — my church, my Bible, and prayer.
4. No one asked me if I’d “taken [my] pill today?”
Yes, I take my Lamictal. While it helps stabilize my moods, it doesn’t

erase them altogether. Essentially, it brings my highs and my lows a little
closer to what a neurotypical person experiences. They’re still extreme,
just less so.
Even well-medicated, I experience depresssion, anxiety, hypomania, and

dissociation. I’m in a symptom-management game; this is an unwinnable
war.
This is true of many psychiatric medications; they work over time and a
single dose doesn’t make-or-break our mental state.
That being said, if you have a legitimate concern that I (or any loved
one) has stopped taking their meds, this is an area where tone matters. If
you can’t ask this question from a heart of love and concern, don’t ask.
. . .
To all my friends who reached out to me and supported me in this de-

pression, Thank You. What may have seemed like small actions to you
made a big di?erence to me. You impacted my depressive experience
positively, contributing to it being one of easiest and shortest depressions

I’ve experienced.
To those reading who have loved ones with depression: Small actions
have big impacts. The key is to avoid judgment. Accept where they are
and what they tell you at face value.
And, to those who live with depression as part of their diagnosis: If this
list is helpful to you, please share it with those around you. Add to it or
change it to match what you need during a depression. Not everyone will
step up and follow it, and that’s OK. Some will. And if you still can’t >nd
anyone, join my Facebook group. We will support you.
. . .
Hi there! I’m Teresa Colón, and I live with bipolar disorder. I write out of
my experiences with the disorder and what I’ve learned as I’ve walked
my road to mental health. I’m also the author behind Seeing Ourselves
Through God’s Eyes, a Christian mental health devotional. Find more at
Wounded Birds Ministry.

Dear

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Dear Friends, This Is How to Support Me in a Depression 4/29/19, 12(43 PM

Dear Friends, This Is How to Support

Teresa Colón Follow

Courtesy of my bipolar disorder, I recently went through a depression. It

Let’s be honest: Depressed people are tough to be around.

I get it. I totally get it.

Let’s be honest: Depressed people are tough to be around. Conversations

Going from depression to mentally healthy and resilient may be a sim-

Going from depression to mentally healthy and resilient may be a simple

Thankfully, many people in my support network have gotten educated

Actions My Friends Took:

1. My friends sent text messages of love.

2. They reminded me that my inner critic is wrong.

One friend sent this text message:

3. My friends came to me.

One friend heard I was in a depression and didn’t invite me to a co?ee

on makeup, or take any of the actions that would have prevented me

She also did not comment on my appearance or the mess in my house.

4. My friends let me guide conversations.

There were opportunities for me to share my feelings, but it wasn’t

5. They promised me hugs.

Here’s what they didn’t do:

Seriously, if I could have chosen happiness and joy, I would have.

2. No one asked me what caused my depression.

3. No one told me to lay it at the Cross.

4. No one asked me if I’d “taken [my] pill today?”

Yes, I take my Lamictal. While it helps stabilize my moods, it doesn’t

Even well-medicated, I experience depresssion, anxiety, hypomania, and

To all my friends who reached out to me and supported me in this de-

positively, contributing to it being one of easiest and shortest depressions

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