Habit 5, Lesson 1: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood

Say: Habit 5 is about communicating with others. It is about seeking to understand

others, and then to be understood. In communication it is important to listen first and
talk second. The deepest need of human beings is to be understood. Everyone wants to
be respected and valued for whom and what he or she is- an individual. Think of the
saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!” How
do you feel when someone is not truly listening to you? It feels as if they don’t really
care. Today we are going to practice some good listening techniques, so you can build
your communication skills with others.

Say: You can’t understand some who’s talking if you don’t listen carefully. Most people
do not know how to truly listen well. We are usually too busy preparing a response or
judging. We are going to act out poor and good listening skills. Each group is going to
have to demonstrate one, and we are going to decide as a group if it is a poor or good
listening skill.

Note for Character Council:

Poor Listening: Spacing Out, Pretend to be listening, Selective Listening, Word

Listening, Self-Centered Listening

Good Listening: Listen with your Eyes, Heart, and Ears; Stand in their shoes, and
Mirroring

Do: Pass out one skill to each group. Have them do act out the listening skill, and then
have them read the skill. Then, decide if it is a good skill or a poor skill. Give them
about five minutes to come up with what they are going to do.

After everyone has gone, discuss these questions:

1. Do you know someone that usually displays good listening skills? How does it
make you feel to talk to them?
2. Do you know someone that displays poor listening skills?

Say: When you are a good listener, then people feel closer to you and it strengthens
your relationships. If you try to understand someone before you judge them, it will
make you feel better about yourself. Try to always be a good listener, and you will be
happier with your relationships.
 Listening Skills

1. Spacing Out: Someone is talking to you, but you ignore him or her
because you are daydreaming or thinking about something else.

2. Pretending to listen: You’re not paying attention to the person

talking, but you pretend you are. You just say,”Uh,huh, cool,
yeah, or hmmm.

3. Selective Listening: You pay attention only to the part of the

conversation that interests you or relates to you. You key in on
specific words and then go off on your own conversation rather
than listening to what the other person is trying to tell you.

4. Word Listening: You pay attention to the words, but you miss the
point because you’re ignoring the tone, feelings, and body
language. When you focus on words only, you miss the deeper
emotions in someone’s heart.

5. Self-centered Listening: You apply everything you hear to your

own life. You say,: Oh, I did the exact say thing. I did that too.
ETC. Well, you don’t know what he or she feels, and you haven’t
listened long enough to show you even care.

6. Listening with your eyes, heart, and ears: Make eye contact, try
to sense how they might be feeling.

7. Stand in their shoes: Try looking at something as if you were

them.

8. Mirroring: Genuine listening involves responding in way that makes

the speaker feel understand. Repeating what they are saying your
own words like… Do you mean…..