Dear Dr.

TRuth,

I met this girl back in high school, over 10 years ago now. We instantly had this connection
with each other, and from what I remember the teacher had sat us together to try and
stop us both from disrupting her class! Anyway, we started hanging out more and more -
first with her friends, then more on our own, etc.

The relationship really blossomed over the years, and we had shared a great many personal,
deep secrets and feelings with each other. I feel that this woman now knows me best out of
anybody - possibly even my own mother. People would comment on what a good couple we
made - except they didn't know we were just friends.

Although I felt strong feelings of love towards her soon into the relationship, I never made
my feelings known for fear of rejection. This has been going on up until now.

I had to endure the relative torture of seeing other men date her, most of them were
abusive, generally losers. I have tried not to be bias in forming those opinions, I do believe
it's true - hell, even she agrees.

So, fast forward to the present day, and she now has a little girl - the father has absolutely
nothing to do with them, did a runner very soon after she was born. I was the closest thing
that little girl had for a father.

I got involved with another girl, who is now my girlfriend. We live together at this moment.
It seemed that neither of the two girls liked this. Maybe my girlfriend could tell my
feelings. My 'true' love just didn't like me being with my girlfriend for some reason; I got a
text message from her to say she didn't want to see me any more.

So, here I am, still with that girlfriend, still living with her. To be honest I have rushed into
this relationship and don't feel like I really do love her at all - in fact I'd rather be on my
own than lead her on.

I have not been able to forget or 'get over' the original girl, I am dreaming of her when
asleep, thinking of her when awake.

So after 7 or 8 months of not seeing or contacting her, I contacted the girl I have these
intense feelings for, and she has responded. She wants to meet up - and soon.

I am seriously considering meeting with her at an old pub we used to go to, and then taking
her on a walk we used to do down the lanes. During the walk I intend to make my feelings for
her crystal clear, and ask her what she thinks.

If she says no, I don't think I'd be able to face her again. If she says yes, I would totally
be there for her and her little girl. I'd love her for all eternity, and marry her in a
heartbeat!
Clearly, there are a number of complications here. First of all there are joint ownerships of
high value items with my current girlfriend, there is still a large period left on the rental
agreement, her family has accepted me and I play squash with her brother. If I move out of
the flat, I'll need a new place - it's questionable whether I can afford it on my own.

There are a lot of bridges to burn here, and massive risk involved in going down this route -
but if don't act now, I will forever regret it. I'm sure that this is the last opportunity I am
ever going to have.

Oh yeah, we are both 23.

What do you make of all this?

Thanks,

M.

Dear M

My first suggestion is to see the movie "Match Point" by Woody Allen. You are definitely
that boy.

You love someone you say "deeply" but money and comfort mean more to you than love. You
live with someone whose family has taken you in and accepted you and you are not really
being honest with your live in, but you are too scared of making your own way in the world
and taking on adult responsibility.

Second, I hear that you don't feel capable of supporting yourself and that living on your
own, without the support of your current g.f. would be too hard to handle. Does that sound
like an adult male to you? Exactly.

So let me ask....what do you do? Are you capable of being emotionally and financially
independent? Can you really take on the responsibility of a mother and daughter? That is a
pretty big order.

Also, it sounds like the girl you love gave you a chance but that you weren't able to break
with the other girl. She did right by refusing to see you. Who needs someone that
ambivalent?

I think that even though you don't really want the one you have, you are afraid to go for
what you really want. Honestly, that just cheats everyone: you, girl number one and girl
number two as well.
I also wonder what the emotional health is of the girl you say you love if she has chosen
abusive or unstable relationships. What makes you think it will be any different with you?

Okay, so what should you do?

First, for goodness sakes, start to be honest at least with yourself and stop living the lie
you are living just for the convenience of a nice life style.

Talk to the girl you love and tell her the truth: you want to marry her and leave your current
live in. See if she is open to that. If you don't approach her, you will probably always regret
it. Second, be a gentleman to the girl you live with. She sounds like a good person and at
least deserves your honesty.

Third, remember that 23 is not very old. The most important task at your age is to establish
yourself as an independent and mature entity that can support himself as well as a potential
life partner. It doesn't sound like you are quite there yet, does it?

At the very least, both of these young women deserve someone who can "man up" truthfully
and openly and end the deceit of your present situation.

I hope I have given you an answer that will be helpful to you. Good luck and keep me posted.

Sincerely,

Dr. Truth

Getting Help For Your Troubled Teen

With all the stresses that teenagers face in their lives today, sometimes parents need
help with managing their adolescent's behavior. Parents need to understand their
options when considering how to cope with their teenager's anger, hostility as well as
defiant, obstinate and other inappropriate behaviors. It's so confusing when trying to
decide what intervention might work best for a particular boy. Perhaps working with
animals in controlled environments as horse arenas and riding arenas during equine
therapy will be effective for reaching some teenagers while others will require a more
structured and disciplined approach offered at juvenile boot camps and military
schools. Whatever the case, families with teenagers who have chronic behavioral or
emotional problems gain renewed hope when they investigate the different
intervention options available.

Juvenile boot camps, military schools, and boys' ranches have become more popular
in the last 20 years or so. Originally created as an alternative to detention and
incarceration, juvenile boot camps were state-run institutions however, most teens
go there at the request of families instead of courts, so most facilities are now
privately run.
The primary purpose of military schools is to provide a specialized education for
those preparing for military life as adults in the future. However, it is fairly common
for parents to send their problem teenagers so they may learn discipline along with
their academics.

At working ranches, regular training and working with animals is a requisite part of
therapy. There are plenty of opportunities for hard work and chores in addition to
rigorous academics. These ranches also offer psychological care and counseling by
professional clinical therapists during group and individual therapy sessions.

The reason why these methods work better in an environment different from home is
that the everyday situations that trigger bad behavior are removed. Each
environment offers a unique setting to catch up on academics and learn structure
and discipline which are usually absent from their lives previously. When the boy is
removed from a familiar setting where he basically called the shots with his
inappropriate behavior, he is no longer comfortable and this allows for change and
new learning to occur.

Discipline and responsibility are taught at juvenile boot camps and military schools
using a strong approach. Consequences that result from not cooperating with others
are also taught, especially when participating in tasks where member of a team
depend on each other. However, it's important to realize that many of the methods
used, such as embarrassing or scolding, can have a negative effect on certain
individuals who suffer from behavioral problems including abuse, anxiety, depression
and low self-esteem.

In contrast, a boys' ranch is has a better understanding that everyone's

psychological needs are somewhat unique and they are willing to treat each boy as a
distinct individual while finding specific solutions designed for each boy. What is
unique at about the ranch experience is that every boy is responsible for his own
stallion or mare and that responsibility allows the circumstances in which personality
attributes and responsibilities that otherwise might not have been addressable, can
be taught.

Through hands-on experience, equine therapy teaches boys that some things aren't
able to be controlled until they learn to control their own emotions and frustrations.
It effectively and permanently modifies behavior, builds self-esteem and self-
confidence which are necessary attributes to meet life's challenges and for lifelong
success.

Solve Little Problems in Life (for Teenage Girls)

Every girl has those little problems in life, whether they occur at school, at home or with friends.
These little tips can be sure ways to help or even solve those dilemmas in life.

This article will cover quick-fix measures for some of those 'situations' us girls get into, as well as
link to other specific articles and give general advice for teen and preteen girls.

[edit] Appearances
1. Reduce the size and redness of pimples by putting an ice cube over the area. Then
use an over-the-counter pimple treatment cream, like Clearasil. Prevent pimples by drinking 8
glasses of water a day, eating healthy, balanced meals and cleansing with facial cleansers like
Proactive, which keeps pimples, oils and blackheads away. If all else fails, dab on a bit of
cover up.
2. Resolve period issues at school by either buying a pad or going to the nurse. In an
emergency, toilet paper can be a temporary stopgap measure- it's better than nothing. It helps
to keep track of your period (if you've established a monthly cycle yet) and plan ahead by
bringing pads with you to school. Keeping a few spare pads or tampons in your bag with you
at all times is easy, and doesn't take up much space.
3. Deal with bad breath depending on the situation. If you're at home, brush your teeth.
Use a mouthwash afterwards. If you're at a friend's house, find mouthwash and rinse. Carry
breath mints wherever you go (!). Breath mints or minty gum are a great way to keep breath
fresh. Be forewarned, if you're planning on doing any kissing that night, gum builds up saliva
in the mouth.
4. Keep a makeup bag. Cheap makeup bags can be found anywhere from

Wal-Mart to your local dollar store. Include in it,

o A small mirror, which come in most compacts

o Fingernail clippers
o If you wear foundation or blush, keep an identical (or the same) case of makeup
with a brush for touch-ups
o Lip gloss or chap stick
o Concealed
o If you're wearing lipstick, take the tube with you for touch-ups
o Mascara, if you wear it
o Hair bands, even if you don't normally use them
o Breath mints or gum
o An emergency tampon!
o Your Cell-phone.(when things go wrong, you can call your mom.)
o Anything else which you always find yourself needing.
o Carry a light body spray, not one with a strong scent, with you. When you feel
yucky, sprits yourself. Body spray is common enough that it isn't unusual.
o A brush is also a good idea, and if you have room and are that concerned,
hairspray.
5. Have your makeup bag! Even if you don't wear much makeup, you will find yourself
needing it more and more.
6. Stay awake and energized by doing four simple things: Drink more water, eat a very
large breakfast, exercise, and sleep well.
o People get dehydrated very easily. Soda, coffee, tea, or sports drinks do not
count as water. Drink at least one full water bottle a day, more if possible.
o People who don't eat breakfast at all are surviving off of energy they last got
more than 12 hours ago (if you ate at 6 at night and woke up at 6 in the morning). Then
they go all the way until lunch without any food. If they are used to it, they will not be tired.
However, eating a big breakfast to give yourself all the energy you need will be a big
improvement. If you are worried about weight gain, remember to eat a small snack every 2
hours to keep your metabolism up, and eat a very small dinner (you don't need much
energy if you are about to sleep!)
o There is something house pets get called "cage syndrome". If your dog sleeps all
day, he has cage syndrome. It is what happens when you never exercise: Your body
decides to pretty much just shut down and be tired all the time, because it will never get to
run or play. If you are tired and don't exercise much, you probably have what your dog has.
Taking a long walk (at least 1/2 hour) every day is a good way to get rid of this. Jogging
 with your poor dog, doing a few crunches, or dancing are all good ways to be uncared. If
you feel tired for no good reason, jog around the block - you'll feel much better instantly.
o Sleep well! Teens need more rest then everybody else because we're growing. If
you usually sleep for only 5-7 hours a night, try getting 12. The difference is amazing.
7. Keep track of the monthlies. It is surprising how many teen girls don't keep track of
when the scary red monster comes to visit. It is as simple as marking off your calendar with a
different color when you start and stop your period. It is a good idea to know, because your
period will make you tired, grumpy, crimpy, and bloated - all very bad things to have if you
planned to go to a wild party in the middle of "girl time".
8. Know when 'just a little more' is too much. If you don't normally wear much makeup,
then turn up at school one day wearing foundation, powder, blush, mascara, eye shadow and
liner, your hair up, and a strong perfume, things will be way too much. Take a look at yourself
in the mirror. If a dab of concealed and a nice necklace do it for you, go with that.
9. Remember how desensitization works. "Desensitization" is when you see something
so much that it doesn't affect you anymore. People who cuss a lot are so used to it that if you
hear them say a bad word, it doesn't mean anything. If you see a devout Christian use that
kind of language, however, the room will quiet down. If you wear a lot of makeup all the time, it
will be hard for you to top yourself for special occasions. Following the step above, if the
normal day calls only for mascara, only wear that. This way, when something big does come
up, your makeup will show that it is a big occasion.
10. Ask your friends how you look. Be very honest. When we look at ourselves in the
mirror, we get distorted images. If you have always thought you had a bad nose, you will see it
badly when you look at yourself in the mirror. You might also miss some stuff when you take
that one last look before you head out the door. You need to get one good friend and ask
every morning, "How do I look?" If they feel you are being conceited, explain yourself. In some
cases, the truth might be you have never felt you have looked good, and are trying to improve
your appearance. If this isn't true for you, just say you want to be sure of how you look.

[edit] Social Interactions

1. Just telling you to be confident is preaching to the choir. You know you should be
confident. So we'll tell you why (far better explained here). Take a look at yourself (mentally,
that is). Chances are, you are not perfectly happy with how you are. Either your grades, social
life, family life, or most importantly, looks, are not good enough for you. If only you had more
money, more friends, a boyfriend... the list goes on and on. Now think of a girl at school - she
is exactly the same way. All girls are insecure to a point. Some may be very secure, but you
will be hard pressed to find a girl who will honestly tell you, "I am happy with myself. I love my
life, how I look, my family, everything." In fact, if you take the initiative to do something, you
will be beating out all those pretty or smart girls who are too afraid to step out and take it for
themselves.
2. Pretend to be confident. Just telling you why you should be confident probably will not
work. So pretend to be. Think about the worst possible thing that could happen to you. Now
think of the second worst thing that could happen. Now think of the third worst thing. That will
be what happens in 98% of the cases.
3. Put things into perspective... your problem may not be as big as you think. You and
your friend got into a tiff at lunch... was it that big of a deal? Was it your fault? Go over what
happened. Were you teasing her and she took it too personally? Your friend didn't say yes
when you asked him out. Was it really because of you? Maybe his life is weird right now, or
maybe you're a really good friend and he doesn't think of you that way. Maybe instead of
being mean, your friend just said something without thinking. That person who shoved you
probably didn't mean to.
4. Fix things if they are your fault. That tiff you got into at lunch - did things last past the
end of school? If it was your problem (even if it wasn't!), call her right up - calling is an easy
way to talk to people about personal things. Apologize! You don't lose points for saying sorry,
if it really was your fault. Saying "Sarah, I'm sorry - that was totally my fault today" can be
hard. Try it out anyway. She may just feel bad because she thought that was what you really
thought of her, or because the teasing struck too close to home.
5. REMEMBER! Saying "sorry" is a hard thing. The reason there is so much drama in high
schools is because neither girl is willing to say sorry, even though they both want to be friends
again. You will have a lot more friends, and they will like you more, if you just come up and
say sorry. Also, keep secrets.
6. Be nice to people. Do you hate where you are at your school's social ladder? Are you
considered unpopular and want to change it, now? Yes, contrary to popular belief, being a jerk
isn't going to make you popular like in the movies. Help people, compliment them, just be nice
to everyone, especially if you hate them! There is no reason not to lend the kid who sits
behind you your textbook, or answer the boy who asked what time it was.
7. Avoid being a "compliment whore". It will be pretty obvious if you go around looking for
nice things to say. When you see something you think is cool, go up and tell the person.
8. Assume people like you. Don't assume they hate you, this will just make you paranoid
and people will get annoyed at you if you go around saying "oh no body likes me everybody
hates me" because people do like you, you just need to look hard enough.

[edit] Steps for Planning

There are already some great articles out there about planning your day, but there is one thing
that can't be ignored. If you are always forgetting things, needing help organizing your day, or just
want to feel more confident, this section is for you.

1. Make a to-do list. Simple as that! To-do lists ensure you won't forget anything. They
make you more confident and relaxed during the morning. This is an example of a to-do list.
o Take a shower
o Get dressed
 Body spray
 Hair
 Deodorant!
o Eat breakfast
o Brush and floss
o Check backpack for,
 History
 Science
 Math
 English
o Get lunch money
o Have a jog in the evening. (keep fit)

As you go through your morning or day or whatever you made your list for, you'll never forget
what you needed to do, because it'll be right there in front of you. The more you use lists, the
more you'll remember to do things without looking at them. Have you ever gone out the door one
day and realized you didn't put on deodorant? Ever sprinted to the bus stop just in time to realize
you forgot the lab report on the table? Get a to-do list!
How to Raise a Teenage Girl
 Maintain a normal and healthy life at home, which gives them a comfortable feeling. If the
relationship between the parents is stable. It gives a sense of security to the kid.
 Arrange for frequent family dinner, which gives teenagers a feeling of belonging and
being a part of something.
 Be supportive of her ideas and feelings, warning her about the implications, in case you
do not find anything right. However, do not go overboard with your opinions.
 Take out time to be with your daughter. Go for a walk and give her personal attention.
 Encourage her to participate in sports and community service.
 Give her opportunities to make important decisions at home.
 To boost her morale, encourage her to participate in situations where success is
guaranteed.
 Give her a chance to interact with adults in a confident manner.
 Make sure you respect the feelings of your daughter and encourage her to share them
with you.
 Share your experiences with your daughter, telling her your mistakes and successes.
 Though you should set rules and boundaries for her to follow, do not be too harsh with
regard to your words or punishments.
 Always praise her when she makes a good choice, complimenting her for her
competency at things.
 A father should make a point to promote an outgoing attitude in his daughters. He should
set the example of her mother, so that the girl feels proud being a woman.
 Do not worry too much and give them the space they require to be themselves. Too much
restriction will aggravate the situation.
 Do not be too judgmental of whatever she says. Listen to her with open mind and heart.
 Make her feel comfortable in your company. Act like her companion, so that she can
confide in you.

SELF IMAGE. Today's society supports the idea that none of us are EVER good enough. You're
always too fat, too thin, your teeth are crooked, you have thin hair, or pimples, or a big butt, or a
birthmark. You're too poor, you don't wear the right clothes, you're not smart enough, you're too
smart...the list goes on and on. The pressure to be thin, gorgeous and wealthy has always been
bad; nowadays it's at a fever pitch. This constant struggle has always been a big part of being a
teen (or an adult), but with today’s sensationalistic media shoved in our faces wherever we go---
TV, magazines, news, internet, ...you can't even go to the grocery store and NOT see a magazine
telling you how to get thinner or suggesting some kind of plastic surgery. Add to that all these
shows that promote physical and social perfection (plastic surgery shows, almost everything on
TV, all these teenybopper sitcoms where everyone is gorgeous and rich) and you get one hell of a
self esteem problem in teens (and adults, too). This leads to depression, anxiety, and obsessive
behavior, which in turn leads to eating disorders, self mutilation, distorted body image, internal
aggression and self hate.

2. Parents that don't take the time to love, have fun with, and discipline their
kids/teens. Nowadays, both parents often have to work to make ends meet. Because
of this, kids and teens are often left to their own devices. And when mom and dad
get home, they can often be stressed and therefore not in a receptive mood to listen
to their kids/teens. This in turn, can make a teen/kid feel ignored, and when
someone feels ignored, they act out. Get into trouble. Hang with a bad crowd. Take
risks. Try drugs. Have sex. Now, teens have always engaged in that type of
behavior, but these days it starts earlier and earlier and by 13 years old, many teens
have already lost their virginity, snuck out, tried drugs, etc. And instead of
disciplining and listening and caring, the parent feels guilty, and so they indulge the
teens bad behavior instead of trying to figure out a solution. The teen is now
emotionally unsure, but gets a sense of power; they realize they can make bad
decisions and engage in bad behavior with little to no consequences. And it just
spirals.

3. EDUCATION. In America, our standard of education has dropped dramatically.

With the influx of illegal, non-English-speaking immigrants, teachers often find it
hard to teach as they would normally. The entire curriculum is slowed down and
dumped down to accommodate. Add to that all the programs that just float a kid
right through school these days; a teen can get to be a junior in high school before
someone realizes they can barely read. And with today's litigious society, teachers
are afraid to get close to their students, forming essential pupil/teacher relationships.
It used to be that many teachers would give out their home phone numbers to
students; and if the student needed tutoring, the teacher themselves would do it.
Teachers today seem to play more a role of a babysitter, warden, or security officer
than what they are supposed to be---a teacher.