Q.

GUIDE

Emotional Intelligence
 Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Contents
Who is in Charge? 2-3

Self-Perception 4-5

Self-Expression 6-7 Acknowledgement It’s hard to overstate the importance of

We have used the MHS Emotional Emotional Intelligence (EI). And even harder
to say precisely how much it influences our
Interpersonal 8-9
Quotient (EQ) model throughout this

success in navigating situations, relationships

publication. On each double-page
Decision Making 10 - 11
spread there is advice to ‘pay attention
Stress Management 12 - 13
to three things.’ These relate to and careers. Daniel Goleman – one of the
godfathers of EI responsible for its
MHS’ EQ elements.
Balance & Progress 14 - 15
popularisation in the 1990s – explains it
Links & Ideas to Explore 16
matters more than IQ in such realms as love
and leadership. He knows a thing or two
about EI, so let’s agree EI matters – a lot!

We have seven big ideas about EI for you in this booklet.

At the back there are links to things you can read, watch or

EI{
listen to if you want to dig deeper. But before you dive in,
here’s a simple summary of what EI is all about:

A set of emotional and social skills that influence the way we:

› perceive and express ourselves

› develop and maintain relationships
› cope with challenges, and
› use emotional ‘information’ effectively

“ How about this slogan:

‘If you are unhappy for any reason we will feel really bad’. ”

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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Our emotional responses to people, actions and
situations can seem automatic. Your least favourite
relative announces she is coming to stay for a week.
In an instant your blood pressure climbs and
there’s an outpouring of righteous indignation.
Who is in Charge?
We can think of healthy EI as our
skillset in managing our response to
the stimuli that bombard us every
moment. Being blessed with – or
having learned to develop – EI means
we do better in influencing or shaping
our emotional responses.
This matters in the workplace. Good
leaders have their act together and
connect well with people. Change can
seem overwhelming unless we have
learned to be resilient. Working well
with colleagues and clients requires
rapport and engagement skills.
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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
ADD YOUR
D
EMOTICON SCENARIO
p When you have to make a crucial decision.
notes:
7
V
H If you are excited by something or someone.
A notes:
c
The first step to improving your C Walking into a room to start an important meeting.
EI requires paying full attention to
how you respond now. Being mindful
of your sense of self, your relationships
s notes:
with others or how you respond to
difficulties is the first step to
(
regaining a bit of control. e
Finding out that some work has gone wrong, or that there is a complaint.
Here are six things you can begin
monitoring today. When each of
d
these scenarios occurs, try to pay
attention to what’s happening
X notes:
inside you. (And choose the
emoticon that fits best your W
emotional state!)
4 How you feel about your day as you finish work.
(Or how you feel as you start work.)
3 notes:
S
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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

It’s healthy and helpful to have a positive, confident

view of yourself and your ability to lead a meaningful life.
(So long as you’re not delusional of course! Think Alan
Partridge.) Even better is to have a solid understanding
of what you’re about, and to recognise how you respond
emotionally to people and events. This is Self-Perception
and it is the bedrock of building EI.

Self-Perception If you want to take a giant

If Self-Perception is weak, we may
not be ‘in touch’ with ourselves, and
perhaps feel confused. Above all we
may lack confidence in who we are
or what we can achieve.
Pay attention to
three things:
› Self-Regard – your sense of identity
and how much you respect yourself
› Self-Actualisation – the degree
to which you feel motivated and
focused on achieving things
that matter
› Emotional Self-Awareness – being
able to identify, describe and explain
your emotions
leap towards enhancing
Self-Perception, then take
up the Big Rocks challenge.
The story is told by Steven Covey
(he of the habits of highly effective
people fame) about a prof showing
his students a large jar filled to the
brim with rocks. ‘Is it full?’ The
students say ‘Yes!’ The prof pulls
out a box of gravel and tips it into the
jar. And the gravel finds its way
between the rocks until it reaches
the brim. ‘Is it full?’ The students say
‘Yes’ again, but with less conviction.
Again the prof pulls out a box,
this time with sand, which finds
its way in between the rocks and
gravel. Full? The students are
really not sure now. Out comes
a jug of water, and in it goes.
‘The lesson?’ asks the prof.
‘However busy we are, we can
always fit in more.’ ‘Wrong! If you
don’t put in the big rocks first, you
won’t ever be able to fit them in.’
Identify what matters, and put that
in first. Otherwise the stuff – gravel
& sand – will always fill up the space.

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Writing a couple of millennia ago, the Roman sage Cicero put together the all-time
top list of rules for engaging in conversation.

1. Speak clearly 6. Never criticise people

In EI terms, this means saying
‘No’ when you need to!
2. Speak easily, but not too much.
behind their backs
Gossip is out!! And if you have
feedback for someone, show some
mettle and say it to their face.

Self-Expression
Give others their turn
If you’re confident and comfortable
– as well as socially aware – you
don’t need to hog the conversation.
Nothing defines us as humans more than our drive
3. Do not interrupt
(Remembering rule number 4.)
7. Stick to subjects of
general interest
So you don’t bore the pants
off people.

and ability to communicate with one another. It’s a conversation, not a contest. 8. Do not talk about yourself

Giving voice to our thoughts, feelings and opinions 4. Be courteous Well, maybe just a little bit. But it is
and doing so honestly is a core element of EI. Think about how best to say what a sign of self-confidence and social
you need to say and be in sufficient awareness that you can restrain
control to show good manners. the ‘me-me-me’ impulse.
Pay attention to three things:
5. Deal seriously with 9. Never lose your temper
› Emotional Expression › Assertiveness › Independence serious matters, gracefully Remember, you need to be in
how comfortable you being able to say what being decisive and with lighter ones control of your emotions, not the
are expressing emotions you think constructively, free from emotional
Use your antennae to judge other way around.
and the range of words and being firm or direct dependency on others
you can use to do so when you need to. (i.e. not being ‘needy’) the situation.

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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Arguably the attribute that best characterises
EI is the set of skills associated with
Interpersonal functioning. How well we
connect with and relate to others is at the
heart of why EI is important to success.
Interpersonal
Dale Carnegie’s book, ‘How To Win
Friends And Influence People’ has
sold over 15 million copies since its
publication in 1936. Really the first
‘self-help’ book, it sets out some
eternal wisdom about how to build
vital bonds with others:
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1. Become genuinely interested
in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name
is, to that person, the sweetest
and most important sound in
any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage
others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other
person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel
important – and do it sincerely.
Pay attention to
three things:
› Interpersonal relationships –
investing time and energy in
establishing high quality
relationships; being sociable and
trustworthy
› Empathy – listening attentively to
others and ‘tuning in’ to them;
responding sensitively and
compassionately to others’ needs
› Social responsibility – being a co-
operative, contributing member of a
team, group, organisation or
community; demonstrating a healthy
regard for social norms and the
‘greater good’
Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Whether you’re a full-on extrovert
or more a quieter introvert, we can all
improve our connectivity with others
through practice.
Here’s a simple idea you can try every
day at the coffee store. When ordering,
think about where the coffee came
from, and who might have grown it.
Instead of simply transacting your
business with the barista, be curious,
and engage them in conversation. Pay
full attention to them, smile, and be
interested in their world. It takes but a
few minutes. Do it often and as you get
comfortable, do it often at work and
elsewhere too.
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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotionally Intelligent decision making requires that Pay attention to Training your intuition means accepting
we work at two seemingly opposite things in tandem. three things: feedback and being open to learning.

There’s an intuitive, emotional and automatic

As Kahneman’s quote makes clear –
› Problem Solving – using emotional it’s often hard to recognise when we’re
response. And there’s an effortful, rational, information to solve problems; going wrong. So, it matters to seek out

deliberate response. Daniel Kahneman – Nobel

staying focused on finding a solution
from the options available
Prize Winner for his work on the subject – calls
these two approaches System 1 and System 2.
› Reality Testing – being grounded,
objective and making sensible
decisions; validating thoughts and
emotions against facts and data
and assimilate feedback from others
and from objective sources.
Improvement in decision making from
an EI viewpoint comes from training
your mind to exercise more active
control when it is most needed – for

Decision Making
When you drive home from work with
the radio on full blast, singing along to
the songs, and then realise you got
home without remembering the
journey – that’s System 1 at work.
But when reverse parking into a tight
space, you stop listening to the radio
example, when you sense you are
› Impulse Control – acting and
becoming overly emotional. It’s hard
thinking in a composed, deliberate
and requires commitment, practice
and patient manner; being
and disciplined effort.
predictable and avoiding rash or
impulsive decisions or actions. Two world-famous experiments and
In others words, we should be able to
the work linked to them will set you on
exercise some degree of regulation
your way. ‘The Marshmallow Test’ is
when required. When we cannot, we’re
the popular name (and book title) for
likely to miss important information or
the work on self-control by Walter
jump to conclusions. But it’s a tough
Mishchel. Its focus is on Impulse
gig. As Daniel Kahneman says,
Control. ‘The Invisible Gorilla’ by

“
and concentrate on the difficult task
at hand – that’s System 2.
Christopher Chabris and Daniel
Simons explores our blindness to things
We’re blind to our blindness. We
that are right in front of us. Its focus is

!
have very little idea of how little we on Reality Testing and Problem Solving.
We need to utilise emotional
information in decision making and know. We’re not designed to.
remain grounded, objective and
!
focused on data when necessary.

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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Setbacks, challenges, conflicts and change test our
emotional mettle. More than coping, healthy EI
suggests a level of resilience – a capability to pick
yourself up, dust yourself down and make
progress towards a worthwhile goal.
Stress Management
Resilience is learned more than it is
taught. And we learn it by confronting
the brutal facts in any situation. Some
might wish to prevent any adverse
situation occurring by anticipating and
resolving all future risks. However, this
can lead to ‘protect’ culture rather than
a ‘become stronger’ culture.
Diane Coutu in her research
identifies three key characteristics
of resilient people:
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1. They face down reality
really face it and accept it
2. They search for meaning
Viktor Frankl, using his
experiences in a concentration
camp to help develop his later
scientific theories, wrote
Our question must consist, not in talk
and meditation, but in right action and
in right conduct. Life ultimately means
taking the responsibility to find the
right answer to its problems and to
fulfil the tasks which it constantly sets
for each individual.
3. They have ritualised ingenuity
a willingness and an ability to flex,
adjust, adapt and be inventive.
Pay attention to
three things:
› Flexibility – being open to change;
adapting and seeing change as
refreshing or necessary
› Stress Tolerance – using a range of
coping strategies when under stress;
managing your emotional state
› Optimism – being positive and
seeing the good in things; being
confident in yourself and others
Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Learning resilience might be a little like
building muscle strength. Begin with
small ‘weights’ – for example,
confronting minor conflicts, or facing
down a relatively small difficulty. When
we first lift weights our muscles hurt –
they are being broken down but will be
re-built stronger. So it will be with
these conflicts and difficulties. We will
feel a little sore today, but better able
to cope tomorrow.
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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Generally speaking, it is healthy to have well developed Going from greater self-awareness to enhanced personal and interpersonal

EI attributes. You may have real strengths in some

effectiveness is a journey of five steps.

particular areas. Perhaps you have strong Empathy

and can do a brilliant job of walking a mile in another
person’s shoes. Or you have a well-developed sense
of Self-Actualisation – able to find meaning in your Emotional & social functioning

work and drive towards worthwhile goals.

Personal & Interpersonal
Effectiveness 05 Self-actualisation
Well-being
Performance
AND RESULTS IN

Emotional connection

Balance & Progress

Trust, compassion & empathy
Effective Relationship 04 Willingness to compromise where needed
Appreciate differences
IR, EM and RE

WHICH IMPACTS

Use emotions

03
Maintain objectivity
Emotional Management Maintain composure
PS, RT and IC
Still, strengths can be over-used or If you recognise a strength in your EI
distort how we perform, especially if repertoire, just check if there is a price
IS RELATED TO

they are not in balance with other you pay for it, or if it has some
Management of own thoughts & feelings
Good self-care practices

elements of EI. Here are two examples

of where very strong EI can lead to
unintended results:
unintended consequences. When the
answer is ‘yes’ think about what other
Self-Management 02 Effective stress management
Alignment of thoughts, feelings & actions
Effective expression of internal self
OP, FL, ST, & EE
aspect of EI needs enhancing to PLUS

counter-balance this. For example,

Recognition of internal feelings

› Impulse Control – some people

may appear to lack spontaneity,
or seem to react too slowly to
emerging situations.
› Emotional Expression – there may
01
Belief in and respect for oneself
if your Optimism is so high you Self-Awareness Action orientation
sometimes ignore evidence or
Understanding the source of feelings
ES, SR, SA and RT
inconvenient problems, then look to
improve your Reality Testing. This
might mean considering situations
from other perspectives to help
ES = Emotional Self-Awareness SR = Self Regard SA = Self-Actualisation

be cases where people might

RT = Reality Testing OP = Optimism FL = Flexibility

overwhelm others or share improve your objectivity.

ST = Stress Tolerance EE = Emotional Expression PS = Problem Solving
IC = Impulse Control IR = Interpersonal Relationships EM = Empathy

inappropriate information.
RE = Social Responsibility

Adapted from MHS EQi manual

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Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Q.GUIDE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Interpersonal
Watch ‘It’s Not About The Nail’ on YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Visit the Center For Non-Violent Communication founded by

Marshall Rosenberg https://www.cnvc.org/about/marshall-rosenberg.html

Watch Brené Brown’s video on the RSA website on empathy

https://www.thersa.org/discover/videos/rsa-shorts/2013/12/Brene-
Brown-on-Empathy/

Links & Ideas to Explore

Decision Making
Visit The Invisible Gorilla website at
http://www.theinvisiblegorilla.com/index.html

Read ‘The Marshmallow Test’ by Walter Mischel

and look at the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX_oy9614HQ

Emotional Intelligence in General

Stress Management
Read ‘Search Inside Yourself’, by Chade-Meng Tan
(Google’s Chief Happiness Officer!) Read Diane Coutu, ‘How Resilience Works’
https://hbr.org/2002/05/how-resilience-works
Follow Daniel Goleman’s posts on LinkedIn
Read Viktor Frankl, ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’ – about his experiences in
a concentration camp and the development of his theory – Logotherapy
Self-Perception
Watch Bob Newhart, ‘Stop It’ video (a little light relief!)
Look into the subject of mindfulness and find out about techniques https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arPCE3zDRg4
for improving how you pay attention to what is happening.

Balance and Progress

Self-Expression
Read this article in The Economist on the art of conversation
http://www.economist.com/node/8345491
Invite feedback from colleagues, family and friends.
Compare their sense of you with your own.
Take an EI questionnaire, reflecting on the results and
considering ways to improve.

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