TWOGETHER IN TEXAS

MARRIAGE & FAMILY ENRICHMENT COURSES

Building a Healthy Marriage:

TRAITS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

A healthy family is the product of a healthy marriage, and a healthy marriage is the

product of two healthy partners loving and being loved in need satisfying, dependable ways.

Unhealthy families are the product of unhealthy marriages. As the marriage goes, so goes the

family. The heart of the family is the strength of the marriage, and the heart of the marriage is the

hearts of two maturing persons achieving their love for self, each other, and all that surrounds

them. Health is an inside job, and each share with the other that which comes from within in

good measure.

Within our culture, some 96% of all families are dysfunctional. They are dysfunctional in

that the real needs of each within them are not receiving the emotional nourishment they need for

their own maturing. Indeed, dysfunctional marriages lead to dysfunctional families. We need to

focus on the traits of a healthy marriage in order to create healthy families.

What I hope you will be able to do is note each of the traits issuing from a healthy

marriage and assess how healthy yours may be within each trait, then assess together with your

partner what you need to do to increase the health within your marriage at each point. No book

or article can give you all the answers you may need, but it can point you in the right direction of

seeking all you need for your marriage is your gift to each other as well as to yourselves. And,

your marriage is the greatest gift both of you could ever give your family. Your marriage is the

foundation on which the family builds.

Spiritual Therapy & Family Services – Rev. Jorge Orozco, Marriage & Family Spiritual Counselor
 TWOGETHER IN TEXAS
MARRIAGE & FAMILY ENRICHMENT COURSES

TRAITS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE & FAMILY ASSESSMENT

Name: ______________________________
Date: _______________________________
Instructions: Please read carefully each “Traits of a healthy marriage and family” and then
made a self-assessment using the scale provided. This assessment is great when husband and
wife can provide their responses (if it is possible for both).

1. Listening/Communicating

One of the great gifts we can give each other is that of being the other’s listener.
Listening is not just hearing words. It involves a face to face encounter in which one’s heart is in
tune with the others. There is eye contact; there is true listening to what is said and what is
meant, and it is received by the speaker as a heart-felt gift of one’s full and undivided attention.
A couple can be together all day long and exchange ideas and concerns and news of
events, yet not say a single word about how they feel about the relationship or what is or is not
happening between them. They can go on doing this day in and day out and because they are
talking feel they have some sense of what is really happening between them. But this is not
communication; this is not heart to heart conversations. What both really need is to be listened to
when they are willing to share what is on their hearts and their concerns at deeper levels of
sharing and understanding.
Knowing what the other is feeling, not just thinking, and what the relationship means to
them, is what needs to be shared between them. Heart to heart listening is the backbone to all that
needs to be happening between them. Without this they can be like married singles, passing like
ships in the night. Listening like this takes time and intentionality. Many couples will never
achieve this kind of sharing. Their fears of intimacy prevent it. So, they go to bed each night
hungering for far more than they have ever realized. This does not happen within a healthy
marriage.

Strongly Moderately Moderately Strongly

Disagree Disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Spiritual Therapy & Family Services – Rev. Jorge Orozco, Marriage & Family Spiritual Counselor
 TWOGETHER IN TEXAS
MARRIAGE & FAMILY ENRICHMENT COURSES

2. Mutual Affirmation and Support

Two persons will never be as one in their identities, but they can be as one in their
mutualness and personalities. The blending that occurs in a healthy marriage makes both stronger
together than they could ever be apart from the other. This oneness manifests itself in how they
are able to affirm each other and support one another through all the ups and downs of any
maturing relationship. Each can count on the other’s support with whatever they are being called
on to face. Each will be affirmed by the other for all the gifts shared between them and for all
they do for one another. Neither will be taken for granted or will be put down or minimized.
Each has a role within the relationship and how it is fulfilled is always appreciated and honored.
Whichever gives and does something within the relationship is affirmed by the other for
that gift to the relationship. Everything is appreciated and affirmed. When one is hurting the
other picks up the slack and keeps things going. And as Paul states in 1 Corinthians 13, love does
not keep a scorecard on the other’s wrongs. Their mutual love for one another keeps their
relationship on track and moving in the right direction.

Strongly Moderately Moderately Strongly

Disagree Disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

3. Mutual Respect

If we don’t stand tall in the eyes of the one who professes to love us and wants to share
the rest of life with us, then something is radically wrong. Mutual respect is a foundation stone of
any healthy marriage. Even though we have our differences, gender-wise, personality-wise, and
in other ways, one respects the other and affirms the worth of the other. Every healthy marriage
is a mutual admiration society and each in it celebrates the being of the other. The more we learn
to respect ourselves, the more we respect each other, and the more we learn to respect each other,
the more we respect ourselves. To paraphrase an old love song, “I give to you and you give to
me, true love,” true respect, and all that true love has to offer. You deserve my respect and I give
it to you in good measure.

Spiritual Therapy & Family Services – Rev. Jorge Orozco, Marriage & Family Spiritual Counselor
 TWOGETHER IN TEXAS
MARRIAGE & FAMILY ENRICHMENT COURSES

When we respect each other’s very being, then we respect all there is about that person.
We respect their mind, their values, their strengths, the gifts and abilities, and their very
personhood. It is okay with us that they are who they are. They do not have to change to earn our
respect; nor do they have to alter themselves to our likes or dislikes to be affirmed by us. We are
here to encourage each other in any and all changes they feel they need to make, but our loving
them is not conditioned on them making those changes. We are each other’s encourager; we are
the “wind beneath their wings.”

Strongly Moderately Moderately Strongly

Disagree Disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

4. Sense of Trust
In a healthy marriage trust is a given. It is only in a dysfunctional marriage that trust has
to be earned. In such a marriage it has to be earned because the two partners cannot trust
themselves, let alone each other. Love gives its trust. It is an unconditional gift of the one loving.
And it exhibits itself in every area of their relating. We trust each other to speak the truth in love,
to self-disclose feelings and hurts and longings and real needs. This deep level of trust opens one
heart to the other, and what flows between them is a trust that is clearly visible in all their
relating. Each knows where they stand with the other and why. Each knows they are trusted as
well as each being trustworthy. They keep the lines of communication open between themselves,
so they can honor this mutual trust and build upon it in every possible way.
Trust is shared at the deepest levels of relating and this is where truth-telling is so critical
when it extends to the feeling levels of their relationship. When one gives their word, it is
considered Gospel by the other. An “I love you” is not questioned nor does it demand proofs
other than those already present in the sharing. One may struggle with a degree of lacking in self-
love, but at the same time he or she knows they are loved by the other. If they wonder why they
are loved, they may simply explore the meaning by asking “how can this be?” As the poet put it,
“Let me count the ways....!”

Strongly Moderately Moderately Strongly

Disagree Disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Spiritual Therapy & Family Services – Rev. Jorge Orozco, Marriage & Family Spiritual Counselor
 TWOGETHER IN TEXAS
MARRIAGE & FAMILY ENRICHMENT COURSES

5. Fair Play and Humor

Within a healthy relationship there is room for lots of laughter. It is an integral part of
their relating to each other. They do a lot of laughing with each other but never at each other.
They do not jab at one another in jest, claiming they were only joking. Nor do they resort to
sarcasm or jokes at the other’s expense. They prize their relationship too much to be callous or
indifferent about it. They are protective of each other’s feelings. They can also laugh at
themselves.
If there is an issue to struggle with, they learn to fight fair. They may know where each
other’s buttons are on some topics, but they never push them. They are free and open in their
relating and each knows the other will be protecting and nurturing. Humor is a real part of their
relating and it is enjoyed fully in every area of their relating. But each is also very keenly aware
of sensitive areas like in each one’s personal feelings about themselves and these areas are off
limits when it comes to humor unless is it initiated by the one with the negative self-perceptions.

Strongly Moderately Moderately Strongly

Disagree Disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

NOTE:
RESULTS:
TASKS:

Spiritual Therapy & Family Services – Rev. Jorge Orozco, Marriage & Family Spiritual Counselor