Telephone answering machine messages.

Do you hate telephone-answering machines? So do I. When i was in

the States recently, i discovered a new trend. Whereas in this
country there seems to be a phase for 'celebrity voiceover'
answering messages with someone impersonating Margaret Thatcher,
Vincent Price, or other such famous person, such things are
looked upon as slightly naff in the States. The current craze is
for vaguely surreal answering messages..... Some of my favourite
messages, currently popular in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, are as
follows:-

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The religious:
(Phone is answered, Gregorian chant is heard in background)
Hello. You have reached (phone number), the Dial-a-confession
Hotline. Please confess your sins, leave your name and number,
and we will get back to you. Remember that your sins cannot be
absolved unless you confess in full, graphic detail. Thank you,
my son.. <Beep>

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The Freudian:
(phone is answered by a vaguely Middle-european voice)
Hello? This is ze Doctor Mannheim Flying Psychiatrist service.
Vot can ve do to, sorry, VOR, you?

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The surreal:
Phone is answered. There is a period of silence.......
Hello; sorry, this is (phone number)..... oh, you were dialling
(other phone number, which bears no resemblance to the number
originally dialled)... sorry, you seem to have a wrong number....
thats no trouble, have a nice day.

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The strange.
(Phone is answered, two voices, electronically processed, are heard)
Voice #1: Hello; theres nobody here.
Voice #2: No, only us computers.... We are getting bored, here all alone.
Voice #1: But you dont want to talk to us do you? You wanted Fred.
Voice #2: But Fred is out. And while he is out, we are here to
answer his phone for him.
Voice #1: and drink his beer.... Say, why dont *YOU* come over and
help us; I am sure Fred wont mind....
Voice #2: And anyway, he is away until saturday. Oh, you can't make it.
Voice #1: Pity. Still, if you leave a message, we might give it to him
when he gets back.....
Voice #2: But there again we might not. <Beep>

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Then there's the Pythonesque.
(Phone is answered, religious music is heard)
It's.... The ANSWERING MACHINE! Our one aim is to get your
number... and your name; er, our TWO aims are to get your name
and number; er, and message. Our THREE aims are to get your name,
number and message; those are our aims, er, we think... <Beep>

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The High Pressure Salesman:
(Phone rings, aggressive rock music is played; the speech is
heavily edited to fit the rhythms of the music).
Greetings, caller. You, yes, *YOU* have been selected by our
computer from over ONE MILLION names, to receive this special
call. If you answer the following questions correctly, YOU could
be the WINNER of a brand new Moulinex food-processor, courtesy of
WBRK, your local ROCK radio station, 107.1 FM, 24 hours a day....
Just press 'STAR' for YES and 'HASH' for NO when we ask the
questions. Now before we begin, is there anyone you want to give
a LIVE message to?.... Go ahead caller, you're on-air <BEEP>

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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...

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The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.

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"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."

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"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine.
This is the Eighties. You know what to do."

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Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (my number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, my number). Please re-dial.

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[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"Hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to
answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.
please leave a message..." etc.

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(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large
pizza with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)

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"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick
up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

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"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number
and a message and if we like it we will return your call".

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"This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so
please leave a message or call back after the holiday."

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"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all
possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I
can't, so if you could leave your name and number..."

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"Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new
parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to
get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try
to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner."

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Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back."

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"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"

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Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and
in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP!

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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear
a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh,
I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...

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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.

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After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.

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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.

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This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
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Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak.
This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... Aardvark. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.

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[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

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Hello; You have reached Roland's carphone. Unfortunately he is
busy on the other line at the moment. Please leave a message and
he will call you back.

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'Hello? This is *NOT* an answering machine; it is a long distance
thought-analysis system. Right now, you are thinking "I wonder
who Angie is seeing at the moment?"; Well, if you leave her a
message maybe she will call and tell you when she gets back. And,
oh, yes if you are the plumber, Thursday will be just fine, say
10:30?'.

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'At the tone, the time will be 11 hours 59 minutes and 50 seconds
<beep> At the tone, the time will be 12 hours precisely <beep>
[this continues for 3 minutes], then continues] 'This call has
been charged at $0.95 per minute prime time or $0.70 offpeak.
Please leave your message when you hear the tone <BEEP>.

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[Taped from Star Trek, Lieut. Uhura's voice] 'Captain; I have a
message coming in on channel three, the hailing frequency... It's
very faint, Sir, I can hardly make it out'. <BEEP>

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Hello caller on line 3; you're on-air now; can you tell us what
are your views on the rigorously existentialist, Sartrian
discussion we have heard so far'?

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'Hello; this is the New York Fire Department; we've all gone to a
movie. If you have a fire, we suggest that you try throwing water
at it until we get back and can do something for you. Oh, and
please remember to hang up your receiver after this call - we may
want to call you back to confirm the location of the fire <BEEP>

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