JOKES COMPILED FROM INTERNET

1. Income Taxes
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go
to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into
heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David
decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along,
he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going
on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money."
They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out
together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when
they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely
gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach
the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable
goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the
best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having
sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

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2. What luck
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden
gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What
a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he
asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a
third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

3. Cheating
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his
wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the
garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE
YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

What the asshole does

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is
involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her
asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

4. The Dog Did It

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living
room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart
out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman
again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

5. Good News and Bad News

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What
do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

6. Guess What It Is.

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the
deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were
eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

7. Horny Daughter
As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise
coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout
with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?" the daughter replied:
"mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed
bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to
her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "dad i'm thirty-five,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the
kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She
entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: "what the hell are you doing?" the husband replied: "i'm watching football with
my son-in-law."

8. You're The Father Of One Of My Kids

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's "hello".
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you
know me?" To which she replies "I think your the father of one of my kids." How he thinks back
to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My god, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?".
She says "No, I'm your son’s math teacher."

9. Go to hell

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Lawyers."
"But, but, but, I’ve been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in
Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here’s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

10. Birthday Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her
birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm
stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60
minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to listen
to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling
"I'll be back in an hour!!"

11 None For You

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done
his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He
goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t
get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick
the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting
any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into
the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell
him, or should I?”

12. Smoking
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to
rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it
over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your
cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the
pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked
a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size
do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

13. Viagra
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady
pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was
wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she
claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder.
When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was
wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off
right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25
years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

14. Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough
examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too
long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem
of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure
where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis
and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem
has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would
be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months
later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a
great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that
she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed.
So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk
thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

15. Harbhajan
Harbhajan to his wife :
Darling ! kya main tera pahila pyar hoo ?
Wife : Kardina sardar wali baat .
Spinner ko kabhi opening milti hai kya?

16. Besharam (Dirty) Jokes

Santa Singh and Banta singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny walker when
Banta singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to
talk to her, Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian! ".

Banta singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his
left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly
in Lesbia, you from?"

17. A British Diplomat visits India. The Indian Prime minister is showing him around.
They pass the Parliament House and find a man pissing on the wall. The British Official asks in
Hindi: "daekhoo saalaa muut rahaa hai! tumharaa police nahin pakarta? kaisaa daesh hai
Bharat?" (Look, the bugger is pissing. Doesn't the police catch hold ? What a country!)
Undaunted, the Pradhanmantri replies: "Nahin. Ham Hindustani log apnaa khud pakartaa."
(No, We Indians hold it ourselves.)

18. Two Desis are attending a call of nature in the forest. A lion appears.
Billoo asks: "Chotu, tujhe dar lag raha hai kyaa ?" (Chotu, are you afraid?)
Chotu: "Nahin toh. Main shaer sae nahin darata." (No I am not.)
Billo: "Jhoot bolata hai." (You are lying.)
Chotu: "Main aslee main nahin dar raha." (No. I am really not afraid.)
Billo: "toh saalae, phir apnee gaand dhoh, maeree kyoon dhoh raha hai ?"
(Then why don't you wash your own arse; Why are you wiping mine?)

19. Ek Aadmi ne apni wife ko khat

likha Is mahine salary ki bajaye
100 ksii bhej raha hu,
Wife ne Jawab diya apke salary ki bajaye 100 kiss mile:
Hisab bhej rahi hu, Doodh wala 2 kiss me maan gaya,
Teacher ko 7 deni padi, Sabjiwala 7 me nahi mana isliye
9 deni padi, Makan malik to roj 6-7 le jata hai.
Aap chinta mat karna mere pass abhi
bhi 30 - 40 bachihai, mahina aaram se kat jayega.

20 ROLL OUT THE BARREL...

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the
other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine
for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up.
With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a
mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the
crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship.
You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and
sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew,
bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system
and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,'
thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first
port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him.
As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory
last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are
pregnant!"

21. FROGS

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on
the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says....
"Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"

She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the
counter... "I'll take one."

He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets
home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.

1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.

2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not
appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.

She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.

She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking
that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have
any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today,
I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M
ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

21. THE CELIBACY TEST

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one
more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to
undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance
sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-
ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control.
Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and
peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires.
Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly
around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains
unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true
strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren
in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

22. JUDGING THE SIZE

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult
to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked
earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a
young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes
on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment
for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside
table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out
and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

23 ROSES

This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day
without talking to her, but she doesn't care.

She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon,
the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from
the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the
expensive ones...from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"

She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the
air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"

24 THE GREAT DATE

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started
they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a
good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a
good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes.
Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall,
where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

25 DRAGON MAN

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she
would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

26 SCREWED

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him
an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the
panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the
voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing
happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

27 ONE SWIPE

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet
and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the
bill and stuck it on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill,
licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet
and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60
dollars and went home!

28 WHO'S THE BOOB?

A man named Mike went over to his friend's house and rang the bell. His friend's wife, Nora,
answered the door.

"Hi, is Tony home?" he asked her.

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in."

They sat down and shortly Mike said, "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have
ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one."

Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money
right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on
the table.

They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, "They are so beautiful! I'd love to see the both of
them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look.
Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn't wait any
longer for Tony and left.

A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, "You know, your weird friend Mike came over while
you were gone."

Tony turned and said, "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?"

29 FAVORITE ARTISTS...

There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She
loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a
tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul
McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.

When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed
that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let's get
another opinion.

He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There
sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw. He replied,
"Well...that looks like Billy Joel on her left, Paul McCartney on her right...and that looks like
Willie Nelson in the middle."

30 MORE MINUTES...

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He
drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a
computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cracked the window and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she
doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?"

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be
eighteen."

31 A TIGHT ASS?

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in
Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--
each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they
decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The
husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00
into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

32 HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter
what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which
had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the
evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her
plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

33 A SPICY STORY

A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard,
pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip
off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed,
and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of
degenerate are you?"

The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such
as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."

34 MARTIAN LOVE

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier
miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars
has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch
thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

35 THE TWIST

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will
probably just go to the soda shop and a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he ask Carrie's father to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plan for the evening was beginning to look
pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date
out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and
screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!!!!!"

36 PINOCCHIO
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later,
as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he
asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"
Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met,
but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice
form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto
searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able
to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper
had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware
store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper
the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn
good with the girls."

To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"

37 PETER PETER, PUMPKIN EATER...

It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy God-mother
was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a
shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But
Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't
find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only
for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you!
Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.

The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in
front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.

The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled
around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried.
One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had
worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened
to her.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy
smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired
hello.

The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she
said with a frantic voice.

"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter,
Peter something or other."
38 SUPERMAN
Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on
the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else
I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town
tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order
to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix
your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder
Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a
quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

39 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood is about to go visit her Grandmother. Her mother tells her, "Little Red
Riding Hood, don't walk through the forest, you know the Big Bad Wolf is going to try to pinch
your titties."

Little Red Riding Hood says, "Oh no, he's not!" and she leaves.

Farmer Brown sees Little Red Riding Hood and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't walk
through the forest, you know the Big Bad Wolf is going to try to pinch your titties."

Little Red Riding Hood says, "Oh no, he's not!" and walks on.

Finally, she gets to Grandmother's house and the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Little Red
Riding Hood, why are you in the forest, you know I'm going to pinch your titties."

Little Red riding hood pulls a gun out of her basket and says, "Oh no you're not, you're going to
eat me, just like the story says!"
40 WATCH THIS!
This cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a
blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.

"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, "Me tell time."

The cowboy says, "Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?"

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.

"Don't tell me....you're telling time also?"

Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."

The cowboy says, "Okay smartass, what time is it?"

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock."

The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking.

A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

"Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"

The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!!"

41 CLEANSING POWER

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she
said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven
times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a
glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

42 THE TURTLE
A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a closed box. He walks up to
the bar places the box upon it. He then opens the trench coat, revealing not only that he is
buck naked but also very erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten pounds or so in weight.
He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then
releases the turtle from his hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up
the length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on the head, causing it
to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it back in the box, closes his trench coat, and
turns to the rest of the patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking guy stands up and
says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit me on the head when I'm done."

43 SAM MEETS LEON

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits
his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the
postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your
neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be
there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

44 THREE ITALIAN NUNS

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren!" POOF!! She is gone.

The second nun says, "I want-a to be Madonna!" POOF!! She is gone.
The third nun says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipilini."

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name is unfamiliar to me."

The nun takes a newspaper out and hands it to him.

He reads the paper and starts laughing, then hands it back to her and says, "No, sister. This
paper says, 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."

45 SO LONG.....
Johnny and Jim are camping in the desert. Early in the morning, while Jim is still sleeping, a
snake bites his prick! "AAIIIIIII!!"

He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" After talking it over, they decide that Jim
should stay where he is, and Johnny should go for help.

So Johnny starts off and soon encounters a town where he finds the local doctors office.
Johnny convinces the receptionist to let him quickly talk to the doctor. "My friend is bitten by a
snake. What do we do?"

"What kind of snake was it?"

"It was about one meter long, sort of green and yellow."

"Whoa boy. Those are very dangerous!"

"What can we do?"

"The only thing you can do is suck the poison out. Otherwise your friend will die!"

So Johnny goes back to his friend and starts packing up his gear.

Jim says, "Well, what did the doctor say?"

Johnny says, "You're going to die."

46 GABRIEL'S HORN
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had
prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene
was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he
told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was
washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key
to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the
portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal
peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that
the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being
saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been
blowing it for 40 years!"

47 HOMOSEXUAL HUMOR

Two gays are walking down Market street in San Francisco when they spot a stud muffin
coming their way. "I hear he is a great lay," says one.

"No shit?" says the other.

"Well," replies the first, "Just a little once in a while."

48 TARZAN JOKES

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie.
The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the
arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how you like-a your new
parts?"

Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long, strong...but Tarzan not crazy
about new weenie... all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company
and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, went to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came
to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe
for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In
pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

49 APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and
picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend
you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about
everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be
single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver
started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

50 A SNICKER A DAY...

One day during confession the priest had to take a dump. No one was coming in so the father
was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he stepped out of the confession box a
woman ran up to him. "Father, I must talk with you." The father asked her to wait in the booth.
She went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for
a moment.

So Ray gets into the booth and asked the woman her sins. The woman replied, "I had sex with
a married man." Ray looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery. Then tells the women to
say ten hail-marys and bless herself in holy water.

Then a man comes in. "Forgive me father I stole money." Ray looks up stealing and tells him
to say five hail-marys and bless himself in holy water.

Soon a woman came in and said, "Forgive me father, I gave a man a blowjob." Ray looks up
blowjob and there was nothing. He then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks
out the door and sees little Billy the alter boy. Ray called for Billy. "What does the father give
for a blowjob?"

Little Billy looks at Ray and says, "A snickers bar and a pat on the back!"
51 INVENTIONS

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such
a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with
anyone you want in heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, the
angel points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much.

4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a
few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam
reads it.

He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

52 ON SECOND THOUGHT...

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called
Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained
the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back. "Please set this error
straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone
must attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone
call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!"

53 GOD'S SURVEY

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St.
Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's
drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new
obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it
has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be
done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The
contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day
if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who
practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's
personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

And so they did.

Do you know what the letter said?

No?

Hmmm... So YOU didn't get the letter either, huh??

54 THE UNION BROTHEL

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the
local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His
search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a
union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly
attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her
seventies in the corner, "But Ethel here has seniority."

55 LOVE POTION

A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did, not return the
feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to
administer a potion to someone without her permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to
bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to
wed in a month.

The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried say it
best."

56 GOOD DRIVER

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter,
then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn,
that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn
that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."

"Well," says the guy, "My friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if
I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down
the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're
picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster and it's
hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with
him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot
drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in
front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turn to him and
say ..."Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever
had!!"

"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!" ..... (SPIT)

57 THE FLU BUGS

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at
5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the
antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm
gonna be on it!"

58 HOW TO BALANCE THE BUDGET

I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share.
Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
(some of us)

It would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have
her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to
your dad with your tax tax bill in his hand.

We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so
they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of
this tax bill!"

The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a
whole new meaning to the phrase.. "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

59 A LITTLE GAS

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little
weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some
weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the
convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
60 THE CHINESE DETECTIVE

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report.......

Most honorable Sir,

You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get
on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree,
not see.

No Fee.

61 ABSTINENCE

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted
to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You
must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly
couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the
couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from
sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied
sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over
to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the
pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

62 BETTING ON THE DOCKS

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees
that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets
are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2..
3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still
moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98.............
99................ and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went
perfectly well at practice this morning!"

63 SAVING IT FOR MARRIAGE

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was
masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that
for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came
in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an
alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get
married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my
advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I
am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"

64 CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any
women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be
able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.

"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you
help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch
penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a
solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond
you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog,
'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches
shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure
enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to
the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at
16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The
man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected
for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought.
"So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . .
and for the last time, NO!"

65 A FOUR-LETTER WORD
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was
on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the
Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman
was too shy to speak to the Pope.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on
it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope
gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four
letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not
about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

66 NUN-SENSE

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that
they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he
decides to make a run for it.

He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was
clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three
nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a
statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.

The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like
statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of
tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.

"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!"

The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer
look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap.

"My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!"

The nuns can't believe it.

The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a few tugs to the
priest's weenie.

"My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!"
67 WHAT'S A HEADACHE?

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the
process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but
what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and
took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the
Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And
Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam
went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than
the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and
Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And
Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

68 NOSEBLEED

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact
to a few of his friends down at his local feed and seed. One of them says, "You know, I used to
have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?"
asked the farmer. "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the
bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dipshis fingers in the cow's
vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the
cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As
she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he
rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake
and cries out, "Darling. Look at this!"

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the
night just to show me that you have a NOSEBLEED?"

69. THE BIG APPLE

Miss Annabelle has just returned from her big trip to New York City and is having refreshments
on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her Southern Belle friends. She tells them the
stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle. "They
have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss
Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan
themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him
'Precious'!"

70 THE LAUNDRY

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the
laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women
wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the
women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging
over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis
is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "On a day like that, I don't do the laundry."

71. BIRTH CONTROL

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.
The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't birth control."

The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven...and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with
him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from
under him."

72 TURNER BROWN

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and
asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big guy looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

73 TWO PROSTITUTES

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO
PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the
sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving
around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up
with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

74 THE KINGS CAMELOT

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful
Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his
famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back
in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing
him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most
obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to
protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found
what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to
discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a
small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my
queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights
in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All
of them except Sir Galahadhis.

"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the
nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

75 CINDERELLA AND THE PUMPKIN

Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy
came by and asked her why she was crying. She told the Fairy that she was always forced to
work on the pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never got laid.

Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and pointed it at the pumpkin
and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of. However, she warned her
that she can only use this dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.

Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to have fun with the dildo
totally loosing track of time. When the Fairy came back the next day, she realized that
Cinderella was still crying except only harder and louder and obviously in a great deal of pain!

She immediately went down to her and asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it
went really well until Midnight.

"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.

"Because you never told me this thing would turn back INTO a pumpkin after midnight!"

76 THREE TONGUE TIED PRIESTS

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the
ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests
were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the
tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to
titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began,
"and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the
change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that,
when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

77 FLYING MOSQUITO'S

Just after Lorena Bobbitt brutally cut off her husbands penis, she jumped into her car and sped
away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to
throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and
sped away again.

Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna
just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle.

Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. About 3 miles down the road the one
Canadian turned to the other and said, "Man, did you see the size of the dick on that
mosquito?"

78 THE MATING CALL

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a
sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and
hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until
he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in
to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that
Indian goofy or something.

"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and
holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means that she is in
there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the
cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return,
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the
Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he
looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the
ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He
got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all
over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!!
WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the
cave.
The next day in the newspaper the head lines read: Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

79 YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden
gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she
looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a
third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

80 DEATH DURING SEX

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral
arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her
dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do
something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician
can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and
relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow
assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It
HURTS, doesn't it?"

81 HERE KITTY, KITTY

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the
attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his
reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never
been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Top Or Bottom For Boy Or Girl

There were women waiting in a doctor's office.

They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the
bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have
another girl."

One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."

The last lady started to cry.

The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!"

82 BLEW CHUNKS
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had
nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.

The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."

"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"

"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

83 The Newly Wed Daughters

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of
separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to
spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she
went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom
and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her
wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest
daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning
in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about
last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she
answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now
it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth
full."

85 CURIOUS LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing
quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was
done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his
older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick,
because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand
inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick
too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other
hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and
began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This
was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest,
anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really
scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and
stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones
down at the lake. Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread
her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel
put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the
couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both
quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I
knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her
boyfriend little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging
and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up
and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it
was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

86 HUNTING
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his
gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally
shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to
the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like shit!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"

87 40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would
you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

88 PISTOL PACKING

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He
asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When
you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try
this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and
waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the
sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit three
inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

89 THE SCUBA ACCIDENT

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced
policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in
San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the
policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a
dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

90 THE MARATHON

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in
bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She
yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home
early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out
there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found
himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he
was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your
skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get
in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

91 THE FUNERAL

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the
service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall,
jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that damn wall!''

92 COMA

A woman is in a coma. The nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is
washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he
touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe
a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines, no pulse and no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, "I
think she choked."

93 TEETH

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex
because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth.
For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.

They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to
find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to
him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our
marriage."

He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"

The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"

He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between
her legs has teeth."

The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her
negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No
teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it's no WONDER you have no
teeth!!"

94 FITTING PUNISHMENT

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor
his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the
royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal
punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because
the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their
country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because
the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a
few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the
lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they
are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious
wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

95 When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called
"Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once.
With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But
when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!
He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You
named your movie 'Gavaskar', but didn't show anything about me in it!"
The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people
too made a movie called 'Border', but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

96 KINKY SEX

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride
isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed
and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each
night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular
night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the
skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once
again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at
11pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door.
Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words
are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."

"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of
the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the
bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..",

"Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"

"and do a handstand..."

"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at
the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"

97 KISS MY ASS!

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned
severely.
The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so
skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the
doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after
all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She
looked more beautiful than she ever did before!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She
said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever
repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, honey, I get plenty of thanks enough every time your mother
comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

98 ABC'S OF SEX

A is the Artful word he uses.

B is the Blush as she gently refuses.

C is the Creep of his hand up her legs.

D is the Don't as she pleadingly begs.

E is the Excitement as his hand goes higher.

F is the Feeling of ticklish desire.

G is the Gasp as her quim, he touches.

H is the Helplessness she feels in his clutches.

I is the Itching which makes her feel hot.

J is the Jump as the spot, he touches.

K is the Kiss with which she rewards him.

L is the Love which she now feels towards him.

M is the Move which they make for the bed.

N is the Nice way her legs are outspread.

O is the Opening now fully revealed.

P is the Pen with nib fully pealed.

Q is the Queerness she feels when it is in.

R is the Rubbing that's now to begin.

S is the Strokes getting stronger and stronger.

T is the Tickling she wishes would last longer.

U is the Unction now freely flowing.

V is the Vigour with which they are moving.

W is the Wish that he would do it again.

X is the Xtent of the pleasure they gain.

Y is the Yearning that makes her feel sick.

Z is the Zambuk he rubs on his prick.

99 THE PROSTITUTE'S HEART TRANSPLANT

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart
transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to
perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects
the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her
heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that
got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't
think she's about to start now!"

100 THE UNSUCCESSFUL DATE

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris
wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he
asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the
scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy,
then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he
had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

101 Wealthy Old Man

Bob, a 60 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a
breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off
with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his
every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you
were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

102 Jesus On A Pint

An Irishman, An Australian and a Liverpudlian are in a pub having

a drink when they notice a man sitting on his own on the other side of the
pub.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly
familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him
before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - its Jesus"!

The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself
sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"?

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head "yes
I am Jesus" he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd
like you to give Jesus a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartended pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises his
glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out: "Oi You! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods his head and says "Yes I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartended send over a
pint of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint
of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus
accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches our three friends.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years
is gone! I's a miracle!!!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "by jingo mate, the
migraine! The migraine I've had
for 10 years is completely gone - it's a miracle !!!!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says:

"Back off mate! I'm on disability!"

103 Jesus Meets His Father

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has
never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus
looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St.
Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel
Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is
my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with
white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this
be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was
nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

104 Sardar Detective

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was
Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask
each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who Killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The
Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his
interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again,
the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was
asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time
to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji
arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?" Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the
job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

105 Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardlyspeak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon,
he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.