Facebook tags several fake

news items from PH

By: Rene P. Ciria-Cruz - @inquirerdotnet
iINQUIRER.net US Bureau / 02:16 AM April 22, 2017

MENLO PARK, California — Facebook announced that its latest algorithm for
detecting fake news in 44 countries has flagged several bogus news items originating
from the Philippines in only one hour of operation.
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Facebook said it found the following fake news items on a number of Filipino websites:

 The National Economic Development Authority identified funeral services as the

country’s newest growth industry, with demand beginning to outpace supply nightly.

While NEDA notes that current consumers responsible for the sectoral uptick may be
 too poor to fuel a clear takeoff, presidential spokesman Ernesto Aberria said that

sooner or later middle-class demand will start to grow the market. “And if the trend

continues other countries may begin outsourcing their addicts to us for a more

economical final solution,” he predicted. FAKE

 The University of the Philippines Board of Regents will confer another honorary

degree on President Rodrigo Duterte, who will receive a doctorate in mortuary science

for his “visionary approach to social work,” which has led to the rise of the country’s

newest growth industry. UP students and faculty hailed the conferment this time.

FAKE

 Doctors at the prestigious Resbach Neuropsychiatric Institute in Los Angeles warned

that most members of the Philippine Congress and the cabinet show symptoms of

delusion by proxy, a behavior typical of addiction enablers. The most serious case of

the condition exhibits psychosomatic alopecia, or radical hair loss brought on by

pathological sycophancy. (DISCLOSURE: The study was funded by Fenton-Neale

Laboratories, makers of the world’s No. 1 painkiller, Pharangpahradyze.) FAKE

 Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre angrily rejected the Resbach Institute’s finding,

saying, “I have the best head of hair around.” He added, “I’m very independent-

minded according to the president.” Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez was busy counting his

mistresses and was not available for comment. FAKE

 Philippine National Police Chief Ronald de la Rosa insisted that the war on drugs is

completely non-violent and wondered why “anyone, anyone at all” would think the
 anti-drug campaign named “Double Barrel Reloaded” involves lethal force. And as if

to show that the PNP has nothing to do with extrajudicial killings, de la Rosa openly

challenged vigilantes, whoever they may be, to a gun duel (Facebook clarified that

although this last thing sounds so absurd it must be fake, it is not). UMMM

 The CIA reported that China’s strategic goal in its continuing reclamations in the

South China Sea is to restore the land bridge that once connected the Philippines to

the Asian mainland. The land bridge will be an extension of the legendary Silk Road

that Beijing wants to recreate, nicknamed One Belt One Road (OBOR). President

Rodrigo Duterte, with encouragement from former President Gloria Arroyo, has

secretly agreed to make his own mega-infrastructure program, nicknamed

Dutertenomics, as a component of OBOR, in exchange for economic aid, loans and a

lifetime supply of soothing painkillers. FAKE

 The Vatican’s Congregation for the Causes of Saints will review reports of an

unnatural phenomenon that could qualify President Rodrigo Duterte for sainthood.

Reportedly after receiving the president’s simple blessing, formerly detained President

Gloria Arroyo threw off her heavy neck brace, kicked away her wheelchair, walked

normally again, free, smiling brightly and completely cured of life-threatening

cervical spondylosis and other bone diseases. “It’s more impressive than turning water

into wine. Thank God sa mahal naming poong presidente,” said a tearful supporter

who witnessed the post-election miracle. FAKE

 The president’s office of communication dismissed charges that President Duterte is

rewarding his most rabid supporters with appointments to government posts.

Communication Secretary Martin Paandar said there’s nothing historically unusual or

unseemly about the president appointing sex blogger and social twerker Mocha Uson

to the board of censors, arguing that “Emperor Caligula made his horse a consul.”

FAKE

UPDATE: Facebook warned that the report that it has detected fake news from
several Philippine websites is most likely also fake. FAKISH