Contents NOVEMBER 8, 2006 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 7

PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake

803.446.3458 - paul@columbiacitypaper.com
MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead
803.740.9090 - todd@columbiacitypaper.com
NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins
803.261.6874 - corey@columbiacitypaper.com
“WEAPON OF MASS CONSTRUCTION”
A BALLENTINE HOMEOWNER’S GROUP FIGHTS WAL-MART
PAGE 4 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford
803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com

News.Politics.Commentary
IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
D.C. CORRESPONDENT Chris McCarter
mccarter@columbiacitypaper.com
LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK 3 MOVIES Deric Kempsell
NEWS A FIVE POINTS MOTORIST STRADDLES PROGRESS 6
CAT WOMAN VS. THE DOGCATCHER 7 THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford
REPUBLICAN COKE DEALER 8 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com
THE GOOD FIGHT PAGING HENRY BROWN 9 GENERAL SALES MANAGER A.J. Taylor
WORST OF COLUMBIA AWARDS US, SUCK UP FOR AD MONEY? NEVER! 10 803.920.0877 - aj@columbiacitypaper.com
MR. MEANER’S CRIME WATCH FIVE POINTS METER SMASHING 11 NOW HIRING COMMISSION ONLY
STATE HOUSE REPORT MURDERERS ARE YOUR FRIENDS 14
TED RALL THE NATIONAL NIGHTMARE ISN’T OVER 15 ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE John Starino

Arts.Entertainment.Etc
PAGE 14 803.463.8297 - john@columbiacitypaper.com

PAGE 17 CONTRIBUTERS
Polly Baker, Arik Bjorn, Andy Brack, Joe Fotalatte,
David Martin, Aaron McGruder, Ted Rall, Sarah
SOUNDBOARD DOES COLUMBIA DESERVE THESE SHOWS? 16 Maddocks, Dan Savage, Cathy Warner
THE ANGRY WHALE LAWRENCE ARMS PISSING RAZORS AT THE WARPED TOUR 17
HOROSCOPES GOV. SANFORD, MAN OF VISION 20 Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the
JONESIN’ CROSSWORD I KNOW WORDS 20 entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia
City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each. Views expressed
DERIC SPOILS THE MOVIES THE PRESTIGE 20 do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper
NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD & SAVAGE LOVE A CLASSY COMBO 22 or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC
BUM OF THE WEEK GOLF PRO GOES HOBO, PULLS KNIIFE ON CITY PAPER 22
SU DO KO & FREE CLASSIFIEDS FREE ADS AT COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM 23 COLUMBIA CITY PAPER
701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218
Columbia, SC 29201
803.256.6670

2 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
Editor,
Talk Back!
FIVE POINTS MERCHANT HAS “FINALLY HAD ENOUGH” keep creative people from leaving). So go ahead, endorse
that asshole over Sanford because he'll talk to you. You
wouldn't know what's hip if it bit you on the ass on this one.
After two years of quiet compliance with the City of Columbia I agree with many of the insights in the article “Eulogy
on the rebuilding of Five Points, today Groucho's Deli has final-for a Scene.” One thing that you, or no one else for that
ly had enough. We didn't cry or moan when they put up a fence matter, ever considers is that until the Midlands get some
directly in front of our store for four weeks last year. We never“Airwaves,” the consciousness and the inspirations of
complained about the double-digit decline in sales since this upcoming musicians and artists and the people in general
project began. But at noon Nov. 2 our water was disconnected. will always be oppressed. That is supposed to be WUSC's
job and a few (with bad time slots) do it all right, but most
With a restaurant full of people and a 65-year history of offering
are playing juvenile, Nazi industrialist, Earth Fu$!ing shit.
fast, fresh, and original food, construction workers at the corner
of Blossom and Harden Streets shut down our water supply. Maybe it's just me but I have a low tolerance for bands that,
I personally went to the job site and asked why the water was for reasons only known to themselves, purposely try to
off. They didn't believe they shut down my block's water supply. sound bad. And the DJs? Well public execution might be
Four men were in the “hole” smoking cigarettes and looking to over-the-top a bit but emotionally it's a release and it would
each other for answers. They all agreed that a different quad- make the alternative music for Republicans and
Republicans on acid (Libertarian's) music go away.
rant should have been cut off but it would still be at least an hour
before they could hook our historic restaurant back into the Perhaps we could send the DJs up country a bit and they
water line. could listen to WNCW 88.7 and then they could get a clue.
I called City of Columbia Construction Administrator Kenneth Until Columbia gets the airways everything else is futile.
Wells for help and answers but even a very friendly Mr. Wells Particularly when you're dealing with a place like Columbia.
Another Heaven and Earth will have to pass before
admitted, “I'm not sure why, but we'll work on it.” At 12:45 p.m. I
visited the job site again. One fellow in the “hole” was working Columbia is another Madison, Wisconsin, regardless of
while four others watched. This time they told me it was sure to what we can achieve. But hopefully we can become a
be another hour. knock off of Mad City.
Who is responsible? How does it look when you tell your cus- Another issue: I don't know why El Burrito would not let
tomers there is no more ice, water, soda, tea or working sinks you distribute your magazine at their store. The food's pret-
ty good; Patti Smith was on the jukebox. Also, equating jelly
and toilets? At 1 p.m. we found out it is going to be much longer.
There is no reliable chain of command from the Five Points shoes with Michael Graham…um, oil product asshole…
Association- whose practices have long been questionable- or Preparation H…thought everything has oil in it, anyway.
Who the f$!k reads his silly shit-life is too short- except the
the city administrators who are largely unqualified for a project of
this magnitude. No matter how or when the Five Points rebuttal people in Letters, which is all I ever read. And I
Beautification Project concludes, it will always be remembered thought that was always the point of Michael Graham in the
by Groucho's Deli (one of the oldest merchants in the city and infirst place.
Five Points) as a horrific waste of time, money, and goodwill to Anyway, I think you should start being nicer to some of
this community. those stores you're offending. Everybody is stuck in this
dysfunctional, psychopathic/abuser culture and these
Very disappointed, stores are trying to do it with a little grace and class.
Bruce Miller, President of Groucho's Five Points Deli You'll probably get better in time, I suppose, it would
appear some of you are still kind of young and prone to spill
a drink or two on someone. I'll keep reading your magazine
DUDE HAS HIGH HOPES FOR CITY PAPER (because it's almost the only show in town). Just thought I'd
Dear City Paper, do this while I'm at it. And try to act like you got a little sense
I'm glad you've got City Paper up and running, though more often. Tommy Moore! Sheesh. I worry the right wing
you still need some fine tuning; the attitude adjustment Republicans are gonna try to vote him in!
knob for one. But I suspect you need to be a little more
knowledgeable from time to time. Also, case in point: I Well, time to go smoke a beer,
guess you didn't know that if Tommy Moore wins that every C. E. Mason Columbia
citizen will be required to implant plutonium suppositories City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our
up their ass as it is in the design that the American empire publication. Correspondence must include a daytime
will be sending all the nuclear waste in the country here telephone number. Letters may be edited for length,
(can you say 'we are deemed the most expendable?') and taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia
Tommy is already spreading our buns. He has a long histo- City Paper, 701Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia,

Reader
ry of such behavior. With South Carolina ever more glowing SC, 29201; by email: corey@columbiacitypaper.com.
I'm sure that will attract a lot of hip people to the state (and

Letters to the
Dear Executive Director of the Five Points Association Merritt Brewer,
Thanks for recommending to Five Points merchants to have
“an additional sale” for the upcoming tax-free holiday weekend.
We’re sure they’ll be happy to cut their bottom lines even further
considering the Five Points Association has already caused
them to lose revenue through lack of support during construction
and openly supporting parking meters. “I would recommend hav-
ing an additional sale to offer even more savings to customers,”
you wrote in a November 7 email. “The tax free weekend will be
a big shopping weekend, and the more incentives the better.”
Here’s an incentive: rip out the parking meters and get the
orange hats out of the street. And maybe next time you’ll give the
Invitation Station in Five Points the business for your “Free
Generica” dog and pony show invites.
Columbia City Paper
p.s. Since you can’t return phone calls, answer simple questions
or even make eye contact, we’ll be happy to continue to commu-
nicate here in this local Five Points based community newspa-
per.
Dear Constitutional Amendment,
I remember when you used to free whole races of people.
Now you’re just the Amendment of the week, used to bring out
particular voters to the polls. Next election, we hope to see you
live up to your potential. Let’s say maybe a ban on homosexual,
meth-addicted televangelists?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Mayor McCheese and the seven dwarves of city council,
Good job on actually listening to your constituents and form-
ing a compromise to not ticket people for expired parking meters
in Five Points on Saturdays. We know you don't like to listen to
the "little people" and probably don't enjoy the "riff raff" showing
up at your council meetings (is that why you cut your meeting
schedule in half recently?) so we know it took a lot to suck it up
and make a decent decision. Now, about that homeless shelter
you're building in the Vista…
Columbia City Paper
We’ve received lots of feedback on the “Eulogy for a
Scene” column. Be sure to check out Todd’s follow-up
piece, “My War” on the City Paper blog and take a
moment to leave a comment. As we try to help rebuild (or
build) a viable alternative community, we encourage you
to please voice your questions, concerns, and criticisms.
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 3
 Look Out, Irmo's Coming
BALLENTINE HOMEOWNERS FIGHT TO KEEP WAL-MART OUT OF A WETLANDS HABITAT
The picturesque countryside of Ballentine, just north
of Irmo, has long been a popular respite for people who
want to live within driving distance of Columbia while still
enjoying the comforts of the country. The town and the
outlying rural communities, dotted with farmhouses and
old growth forests, was even able to retain its tranquil
appeal through Irmo's development boom in the recent
years. Until now, that is. The tendrils of urban sprawl
have planted themselves firmly in 43 acres of Ballentine
wetlands habitat by way of a controversial annexation of
the land by the town of Irmo, even though the annexed
property is two miles outside the Irmo town limits. Bright-
Meyers, an Atlanta based commercial real estate devel-
opment company, has bulldozers waiting in the wings for
a permit from the Army Corps of Engineers. If the devel-
opment is approved, the wetlands will be paved over
and a Wal-Mart Super Center will go up in its place with
all tax revenue siphoned back down the road to Irmo.
Last August, using a narrow strip of railroad right-of-
way, which snakes into the Ballentine area, the town of
Irmo quietly annexed 43 acres of Ballentine land
between Broad River Road and Dutch Fork Road. It is
estimated that potential tax revenue and license fees
from the annexed site would total $500,000. Irmo can
now continue to annex contiguous property adjacent to
their newly acquired Ballentine land and rezone it at
their discretion from the surrounding community. They
need not worry about complaints from the surrounding
community, as that community is technically Ballentine
and thus has no voice with Irmo town council.
The result is that Ballentine residents will suffer the
noise and light pollution, the clogged traffic, and the low-
ered property values brought on by a gigantic commer-
cial strip mall, but they will receive none of the benefit,
such as tax revenue for schools, police or other public
services.
Real estate developer Bright-Meyers has submitted
plans to install a 196,000 square foot Wal-Mart Super
Center with 1,000 parking spaces on the annexed prop-
erty with enough adjoining retail space for up to 36 retail
shops. The mega strip mall will be less than one mile
away from a residential area with
some of the development
stretching within 700 feet of the
Milford Park subdivision.
Pam Mason has lived in
Milford Park for over two years.
She chose the area because of
its proximity to Columbia and
Lake Murray and also because
of the quiet rural setting.
“We understand that
developers see this area as
highly desirable but we want
them to be smart about it,”
she said. “You just can't
take a 196,000 square
foot store and build it
right next to a subdivi-
sion. There is no
other commercial
development
around us
and what
they are pro-
posing is ridicu-
lous. This develop-
ment will spawn sprawl all
around us and will forever change
the face of our neighborhood.”
There are three existing Wal-Mart Super Centers
(with two more in development stages) less than 10
miles from Irmo, a town with a population of approxi-
mately 11,000. The Harbison Blvd. Wal-Mart is less than
one mile from Irmo.
Some residents of Ballentine now worry that what
they see as irresponsible development will lower resi-
dential property values in the area, increase traffic con-
gestion and raise the crime rate. The light pollution of a
24-hour Super Center will not only blot out the night sky
and stars for residents but will also impact whatever
nocturnal wildlife survives the destruction of the habitat.
Also, the destruction of the wetlands at this site could
4 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
affect healthy headwaters downstream that feed the
Broad River.
Bright-Meyers and Wal-Mart have so far refused to
bridge the headwaters streams or protect the wetlands,Department of the Interior's Fish and Wildlife division
citing that to do so would be too expensive. The Army echoed Duncan's concern in a letter to the Army Corps
Corps of Engineers, however, might not grant a permit of Engineers dated March 4. “We believe that the total
unless the retailer submits a plan to develop the landdestruction of this stream and adjacent habitat is unnec-
with regard to the environment.
Bennett Shealy, one of the co-owners of the
annexed property, has said that another commercial
project will go forward if Wal-Mart pulls out.
E NVIRONMENTAL ONCERNS C at the Army Corps of Engineers, Hall indicated Bright-
On March 6, 2006, S.C. Department of Natural developing the land in an environmentally conscious
Resources Environmental Programs Director Robert
Duncan sent a letter to Mr. Leslie Parker at the Army
Corps of Engineers. The letter, obtained by City
Paper, clearly indicates that the SCDNR does
not approve of the site.
Headwaters streams support a
variety of indigenous plants, fish,
and amphibians. Nutrients in the
runoff water are key to food
chains far downstream, which
in turn affect water that finds
its way into the Broad River.
According to SCDNR, the
adjoining forest also “pro-
vides food, migration cor-
ridors, and nesting sites
for a variety of wildlife
species.” The thick and
healthy tree canopy also
helps maintain water
quality and cool surface
water temperatures as
well as acting as a natu-
ral barrier for sediment
overload. Storm water
runoff from parking lots typ-
ically has elevated tempera-
ture and increased pollution
content that would flow into
the Metz Branch tribu-
tary and eventually into
the Broad River. Also, all
the rainwater washed down
the massive asphalt parking lot
would not be absorbed into the soil to
recharge the water table.
Duncan recommended
that, should the develop-
ment go through,
they be required
to maintain vege-
tated buffers around
the streams, avoid fill-
ing the stream valleys,
and bridge the streams between parking areas
so as not to disrupt ecosystems downstream.
“We believe,” Duncan said, “that the appli-
cant has not adequately demonstrated avoid-
ance and minimization of project impacts.
There is no information in the public notice that
indicates that the applicant considered alter-
native sites. We recommend that a permit not be issued
for the project as proposed.”
Timothy Hall, a field supervisor for the U.S.
essary for this non-water dependant project. We recom-
mend the applicant explore alternative analyses. Until all
of our concerns are fully addressed, we recommend the
project as currently proposed be held in abeyance.”
In a follow up letter to Lt. Colonel Edward Fleming
Meyers' apparent concern with extra costs involved with
manner. But Hall doesn't
appear to
think the bridge request is unreasonable.
“It is unclear why the price of a bridge would be so
expensive in this case,” he wrote, “whereas past proj-
ects incorporating bridges have not been nearly as cost-
ly.”
THE RISE OF “BALLENTINE FIRST”
In September, a group of Ballentine homeowners,
headed by Pam Mason and Eileen Nicklaus formed a
group called Ballentine First to raise awareness and
try to fight the proposed development. Since the
annexation is a done deal, the group now exists to
ensure that development is done responsibly and to
keep tabs on future projects.
“We want to make sure our voices are heard as
residents of Ballentine,” Mason told City Paper. “That
has been our biggest battle because of the way the
land was annexed into Irmo, they essentially shut us
down. We are working hard to make sure this doesn't
happen again in the future.”
Ballentine First has since established www.bal-
lentinefirst.com and a fund to help cover their legal
fees, all acquired through donations from the
community.
On Oct. 23, the group requested a public
comment hearing with DHEC, which has until
January, 2007 to recommend 401 Water
Quality Certification for the project. Without
401 certification, it is doubtful that the
Corps of Engineers will grant Bright-
Meyers a permit without the developer
agreeing to protect the headwaters
streams.
“The Corp of Engineers considers the
401 water quality certification as a critical
component of their permit decisions,” said
Thom Berry, a DHEC spokesman. “If it's not
there, that raises serious questions in their
minds.”
The public hearing in Ballentine was
standing room only. And while DHEC has no
control or say over where a proposed facility like
Wal-Mart chooses to locate, Berry stressed that
they do value the community's input as it helps them
address specific scientific or environmental concerns
in the permit application process that they may not
have considered.
“That information helps us go back to the permit
applicant and say, 'How do you propose to resolve this
issue?'” Berry said. “We get a lot of good input and
information from these meetings.”
For now the land remains unde-
veloped and residents of Ballentine have a
few more months to say goodbye to residen-
tial life as they once knew it. In the mean-
time, Ballentine First will continue to keep
watch. If development is inevitable, then at
least they can make sure it is done
responsibly.
See map on page 5 for proposed site
location. View the SCDNR documents in
their entirety online at
columbiacitypaper.com
Story By Todd Morehead
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 5
 Five Points motorists
straddle the issue on new
Harden Street median
As traffic patterns change in Five Points, motorists are finding it difficult to navigate the now-unfamiliar streets.
Columbia Police Officer Paul Rouppasong on the scene of an Oct. 31 accident on Harden Street.
BY COREY HUTCHINS
First there was a bang. Then there was the unmis-
takable scrape of a car's undercarriage grating across
a strip of solid concrete. Then there was nothing.
It was approximately 2:15 p.m. in Five Points Oct.
31 when a man driving a green Cadillac Deville
jumped the new 18-inch concrete median on Harden
Street and skidded to a stop, leaving all four wheels
spinning freely in the crisp midday autumn air.
“I was trying to fly,” the elderly driver joked to City
Paper following the accident. He was not hurt.
The driver said he was trying to take a left turn onto
Harden Street from the unnamed cut-through street
separating the Five Points fountain and the Exxon
Mobile station. He said it was the speed of a car
behind him that forced him to plow over the newly con-
structed concrete median he didn't realize was there.
The two font wheels of the Cadillac smacked the
curb between 10 and 20 mph and for a brief moment
the driver felt like he was flying. The feeling didn't last
long.
Officer Paul Rouppasong of the Columbia Police
Department, who responded to the accident, said he
wouldn't be ticketing the driver because of the circum-
stances involving the wreck.
“I'm not going to cite him,” he said. “He's an older
gentleman.”
There was no visible damage to the front of the vehi-
cle and it looked as though the car had been picked up
and placed neatly on the median, forcing some late
The Boondocks
6 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
onlookers to speculate how exactly it got there.
“He knocked the fool out of it,” one Five Points con-
struction worker said about the accident that had
slowed traffic on both sides of Harden Street and
drawn a crowd of rubbernecking onlookers for 45 min-
utes.
When a tow truck arrived, police officers and the
tow truck driver discussed the best possible scenario
for getting the car off the median as onlookers offered
their own opinions. Some in the crowd said they
should jack the back end up and drive the car forward.
Others said lift the front end up and push it backwards.
One even suggested the use of a helicopter while City
of Columbia Construction Administrator Ken Wells
shook his head and offered perhaps the best idea of
the day. “A stick of dynamite might work,” he said.
At approximately 3 p.m. the tow truck driver hooked
a pulley system to the car's engine block and hoisted
the front end up in the air forcing the back wheels to
make contact with the street. A police officer then
pushed the car off the median and rolled it into the
parking lot of the Exxon station.
By 3:15 it looked like it never even happened.
“This,” a member of the Five Points street construc-
tion project said to bystanders, waving his hand at the
Cadillac's balancing act, “has nothing to do with the
construction [in Five Points].”
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
AARON MCGRUDER
CAT WOMAN VS . THE DOGCATCHER
A look into the suburban condition
BY COREY HUTCHINS
A war has been waging in West Columbia for months
now. As in every fringe city, small battles are won and lost
over the turf of our community each and every day. In a way
it is the suburban condition, the plight of contentment and
the need for human nature to return to that which is violent
and chaotic in the face of complacency. It happens in our
community every day.
Sandra Broadway thinks the City of West Columbia is
trying to run out the elderly residents of Granby Mills in a
calculated and malevolent fashion. But why do it? So they
can redevelop the area, she says, bringing in doctors and
lawyers to buy up the hot real estate in the small village
nestled on the bank of the slow-moving Congaree River.
And how exactly does a city plan to run off the elderly in
a certain area? By sucking their bank accounts dry with a
siphon hose attached to a new city ordinance, one that can
cost those in violation up to $465 per citation.
That ordinance is city ordinance 6-3-5, “animals running
at large.”
According to City of West Columbia Animal Control
Officer Jan Otterbacher, the ordinance took effect Nov. 1,
2005 and she says she's had her hands full trying to
enforce it ever since. Otterbacher took the job in October of
last year and said that though she couldn't say off the top
of her head how many citations she's written specifically
relating to the ordinance in question, the majority of them
were for “animals running at large.”
An “animals running at large” citation carries a fine of
$257.50 and can be given out every time an animal owner's
pet leaves the property without a leash.
Broadway knows this; she's been the unfortunate recip-
ient of four citations in just the past two months, totaling
$1,081.80, something she feels is
borderline harassment.
Broadway says the mess all start-
ed back in May when one of her cats
knocked over a neighbor's flowerpot.
The neighbor called animal control
and made a formal complaint. Jan
Otterbacher responded to the com-
plaint by setting up a trap on the
neighbor's property but was unsuc-
cessful in capturing any cats.
Broadway says she and her neighbor
“had words” over the incident but they
both agreed it wasn't worth losing a
good neighbor over and the neighbor
consequently dropped the complaint
with the city.
“I think [the city] got really pissed off
that she dropped the complaint and
the rest is history,” Broadway said.
Since then she's received citations
that listed “animals running at large,”
“keeping and maintaining wild/feral cat colony,” and “rabies
vaccination required” as violations. Broadway says she
feels she's being harassed by Otterbacher and believes it
is all part of a larger scheme to run the elderly residents of
Granby Mills out of town because the city wishes to rede-
velop the area and attract younger homeowners.
Broadway says her neighbors love her cats and that the
village has always been a cat-friendly place. She says she
does not feed feral cats and has even trapped them herself
and taken them to her private veterinarian and paid for
them to be put down. When the cat leukemia epidemic
swept through West Columbia a few years back, Broadway
said she was on the front lines trying to curb the spread of
the contagious, deadly disease among felines. Now, she
says, she's being harassed and punished for letting her
cats leave her property. Broadway said if Goose, her deaf,
Japanese bobtail, crosses the street and Otterbacher sees
it, she'd no doubt get another $257 citation.
When City Paper spoke with Otterbacher, she said it was
absolutely untrue that she was harassing Broadway and
her cats or any other residents of Granby Mills.
“It's just a big problem down there, any time you go down
there you've got cat problems,” she said, and also noted
that she doesn't just pick on cats, she has problems with
dogs as well.
As for the four citations she's issued Broadway,
Otterbacher said she has a lot of problems in Granby Mills
but it's not just localized to that area. “I don't know of any
area actually that I have not had traps out for stray feral
cats,” she said. “You can look at my log book and it's all
over the city it's not just that area.”
Of the tickets Broadway has received, one dated Sept.
26, shows it as ticket number 3357 in the top right hand of
the citation. The last one she received, a month later, dated
Oct. 30, shows that citation as ticket number 3360, which
leads Broadway to believe there had been only two other
citations written by Otterbacher that month besides hers.
An 88-year-old neighbor of Broadway who lives on the
same street told her he once counted Otterbacher driving
up and down the street 10 times, and Broadway says the
animal control officer follows her when she comes home,
looking to spot one of her cats crossing the street.
Otterbacher, however, said the reason Broadway sees
her around her house frequently is because of a trap she
has set near her house that needs daily checking both in
the morning and later in the day; it is nothing personal.
When a cat is found in one of her
traps, Otterbacher said the City of
West Columbia has a contract with the
Cayce Animal Shelter and the feline is
transported there. If it has no identifi-
able tag, the animal is most likely put
to sleep.
Otterbacher said that she would
only issue a citation to a pet owner if
that owner is home and she can phys-
ically give the ticket person to person.
If the owner is not home, she'll leave a
warning on the door but never a cita-
tion.
“I have a job,” Otterbacher said. “I
have to enforce ordinances. I can't
turn my head and decide 'I'm not going
to enforce this one, I'm not going to
enforce that one…'I have to do them
as they're written.”
Sandra Broadway, who suffers from
rheumatoid arthritis, says she is very
stressed out about the violations she's been accused of
and plans to request a jury trial at her court appearance
Nov. 16. She hopes to also speak with her council mem-
bers about reforming the ordinance and try to increase pub-
lic awareness of what she believes to be a mechanism for
purging the elderly from Granby Mills.
While she understands Broadway's concerns,
Otterbacher says she will continue to do her job.
“If she wants the neighbors to visit her cats, they make
cat leashes, collars with leashes. It's just a lot of people for
years have allowed their cats to run [loose],” she said. “I'm
not trying to run anyone out, I'm not trying to tell anyone
they have to get rid of their cats. I hope you're not going to
print with this.”
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 7
 Dope dealer capitalizes on S.C. Republican victory party
If you think your vote didn’t
count, you may have been right
BY COREY HUTCHINS party over a Democratic event
“I go where the cash is.” That’s because, for him, historically speak-
what a drug dealer in his 20s said at a ing he said he could calculate a bet-
Republican victory party shortly ter return for his investment. “Voting in South Carolina to me is like bringing a showing different times.
before midnight on Election Day in Democrats, he said, tend to catcher’s mitt to the mezzanine section of a baseball “We started by this clock, we’re ending by this
Columbia’s Congaree Vista. keep their drug use low key while stadium,” said City Paper Publisher Paul Blake as he clock,” said the elderly volunteer in charge as he point-
Such shining stars in the Republicans “don’t give a fuck,” and pulled into the Capital Senior Citizen Center at 6:57 p.m. ed to a wall clock above a voting machine reading 7 p.m.
Republican Party as S.C. Attorney generally party harder. Tuesday, Nov. 7. “Just let him vote,” said another volunteer.
General Henry McMaster, Lt. Gov. The dealer said his choice of He was there to cast his ballot for the candidates “But the machines shut off at seven,” said another.
Andre Bauer, Comptroller General narcotics to distribute was based on in this year’s midterm General Election Blake asked if he could start to vote on one of the
the profit he could make and admitted “I’m sorry, the polls have closed,” a volunteer said touch screens and if the machine shut off then at least
Richard Eckstrom and newly elected as he stepped up to the counter, his wallet and Driver he’d gotten a chance to try.
State Treasurer Thomas Ravenel attended the high- he understood the risk of selling the Class A sub- License in hand. “No,” was the resounding answer throughout the
ly televised event covered by WISTV, WLTX News stance. The liquid crystal display on Blake’s Nokia mobile polling place.
19 and The State newspaper. The penalty for possession of cocaine with the phone with a clock set by satellite read the time as 6:59. in the Capital Senior Citizens Center lobby,
The dealer said he had already made $400 intent to distribute in South Carolina can carry a Blake showed the LCD to the volunteer at the desk. approximately two minutes later, the wall clock behind
that night and he’d chosen the Republican victory $25,000 fine or up to 15 years in prison. There were three wall clocks in the voting room, all the front desk read 6:58.

Perry Bible Fellowship BY NICK GUREWITCH

8 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
theGood Fight
WHERE IS HENRY BROWN? AND WHO IS
WALLACE SCARBOROUGH TRYING TO FOOL?
BY WILL MORERDOCK
Founder of Columbia’s
former Point newsweekly
I drove up to Georgetown last
week for a chance to actually lay eyes
on Congressman Henry Brown. The
occasion was the Annual Coastal
Carolina Realtors Association
Lowcountry Boil & Stump. Political can-
didates - or their surrogates - from
around the state were there to dip into
some good Lowcountry boil and
address the crowd.
After Brown refused to debate
Democratic challenger Randy Maatta on SCETV a few weeks
ago, and more recently failed to show up for the Coastal
Carolina Realtors Association Pig Pickin' in Horry County, this
seemed like a good opportunity for the incumbent to come for-
ward and put to rest those rumors that his health is failing, that
his mind is not sharp enough to properly represent his first dis-
trict constituents in Washington. His office announced that he
would be in Georgetown for the big event, and it was duly report-
ed in the media.
A long procession of candidates and their seconds stood to
speak. Among them was Maatta, who called for developing
alternative energy sources and preserving the Lowcountry from
Henry Brown and his petroleum industry sponsors, who want to
drill for oil off the South Carolina coast. But when it came time for
the congressman to come forward and defend his record and
his energy policy, he was nowhere to be seen.
Spokeswoman Kathy Crawford announced that the con-
gressman was detained on business and read a brief statement
on his behalf. I later caught up with her to ask what in the world
could be more important than Lowcountry boil and stump poli-
tics. She explained that it was all an error of scheduling. Some
silly staffer in Washington had penciled the congressman in for
two events at the same time.
So what was the other event? I asked.
A meeting in Berkeley County, she answered.
Where was the meeting?
She didn't know.
What was the subject of the meeting?
She didn't know that, either. But she assured me that it was
more important than addressing 200 of his constituents in
Georgetown.
One would think that Brown would welcome the opportuni-
ty to step up and explain why he wants to close the Charleston
VA Hospital, or to explain why, after six years in office, his power
rating among the 435 members of the U.S. House is only 250,
according to Capital Advantage and the web-
site www.congress.org. One might suspect
he would use the event to counter his chal-
lenger's recent endorsement by a veterans
group in Georgetown.
But maybe there is something more
embarrassing for the portly, gray, 71-year-old
congressman than pulling a no-show in
Georgetown last week - and that is to invite
comparison between himself and a vigorous
young challenger like Randy Maatta.
And then there's Wallace Scarborough,
the Republican incumbent seeking re-elec-
tion in S.C. House District 115. Scarborough
is battling not only challenger Eugene Platt,
but reports that he has been carrying on an
affair with Catherine Ceips, the Republican Representative from
District 124 in Beaufort, at the same time he is going through an
ugly divorce. (See City Paper, August 9, 2006.)
The candidates faced off during an appearance two weeks
ago on Richard Todd's WTMA-1250 morning call-in program.
Todd and several callers asked Scarborough if the stories of his
affair with Ceips were true. Scarborough answered, "I don't
know what my personal life has to do with building roads on
James Island..."
So glad you brought that up, Wallace.
Last December, the State Infrastructure Bank met in
Columbia to consider funding for several critical infrastructure
projects around the state. There were five projects on the agen-
da, worth $1 billion, vying for $400 million in available funding.
One of those projects was the proposed extension of the Mark
Clark Expressway. On hand at the meeting were a number pow-
erful politicos to speak for their special projects. The Charleston
County delegation included the mayors of Charleston, North
Charleston, Mount Pleasant, various County Council members
and administrative officers - and Rep. Wallace Scarborough.
The Beaufort delegation included a similar array of power and
prestige - including Rep. Catherine Ceips.
But when Scarborough stood, he spoke not for the Mark
Clark Expressway in his own district, but for improvements on
U.S. 17 in Catherine Ceips' Beaufort district. Members of the
Charleston delegation were dumbfounded.
"I was absolutely stunned," said one member of the dele-
gation, who did not wish to be identified. "I thought, what is this
fool doing, throwing his own district under the bus like that?
....Then I learned about this relationship (with Catherine Ceips)
and it was suddenly clear."
So it seems that love triumphed over crass politics at the
SIB meeting. But somehow I don't think the residents of District
115 are going to get a warm feeling about this.
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 9

For two years running here is Columbia's bas-
tion of infamy and shame. No stuffing the
Internet ballot box here. No write-in campaigns
or e-mail submissions. These Worst of Columbia
awards came straight from one drunken night in
the City Paper office and were laid out in simi-
lar fashion. If they suck, they suck, but we're not
letting ourselves be held accountable. If they
rock, they rock and yeah, we sure calculated
every single one of them.
10 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
Worst of Awards
WORST OF BARS AND RESTAURANTS idiocy parodied on Saturday Night Live.
An upper-level member of City Hall cheating on his wife,
WORST PLACE FOR A BIBLE STUDY: Five Points Tattoo his mistress having a seizure, leaving her to dial 9-1-1,
then having the 9-1-1 tape destroyed and the operator
WORST PLACE TO BRING YOUR CARDIOLOGIST: Mac’s on fired.
Main
WORSTCITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Anne “bad hair” Sinclair
WORST COCKY BARTENDER: George at Speakeasy. But, for not listening to constituents of her district and not
we can’t help but like the guy. standing up to the parking meters in Five Points.
WORST SHOT: German Burrito (served at The WORST NEW DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM: The new condos
Clubhouse in the Vista). Anyone who mixes Cuervo with build on the rubble of Adam’s Bookstore and DCP
Jager should be stuffed in a Tijuana gas chamber. that we predict will remain as empty as the condos
everywhere else in Columbia while the Big Research
WORST KARAOKE SONG: “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” sung University Idea continues to blow smoke up the ass of
in any kind of foreign accent. every out-of-town investor with money to burn.
NEW DANCE TREND: The Hardy Dance. WORST NEW RULE AT USC: Smoking ban, duh.
WORST PLACE FOR THE TOP OF YOUR MOUTH: Dano’s
Pizza WORST OF LIFE AND STYLE
BAR BATHROOM: For the 2nd year in a row and
sure to go unopposed for the foreseeable WORST PLACE TO BUY DRUGS: The steps of City Hall on
future: the Group Therapy men’s room Main Street after midnight.
trough! WORST PLACE TO GET CAUGHT MAKING OUT: The bathroom
DOOR GUYS: The no-necks at of the Artist’s Basement during a public art showing or
Knock Knock. “Sir, you can’t wear with a prostitute at MLK park.
that type of shirt in here... unless WORST GAS STATION: The Hot Spot.
we know you.”
WORST PICK UP LINE: “So, uh... you like ATMs?” –heard
WORST PLACE FOR YOUR EAR near Group Therapy ATM
CANAL: New Brookland Tavern
WORST AREA FOR A PUBLIC DRUNK TICKET: Harden Street
WORST PLACE FOR MONDAY
NIGHT FOOTBALL: Pt’s WORST REPRESENTATION OF SOUTH CAROLINA IN THE NATION-
Cabaret AL SPHERE: The Chi Psi goons in Borat. Runner-Up: Jim
DeMint
WORST OF
GOVERNMENT/LAW WORST OF THE MEDIA
WORST TRAFFIC LIGHT: Whaley and WORST LOCAL COMMERCIAL (TV): United Car Sales where
Assembly Streets. slick used car salesman is mono tone and has as much
charisma as Vladimir Putin.
WORST SPEED TRAP: The entire city
of Cayce WORST WEB SITE: www.columbiacitypaper.com
WORST NEW CITY ORDINANCE/POLICY: West RUNNER UP: www.postlocal.com
Columbia ordinance 6-3-2 “animals run-
ning at large” WORST PLACE FOR A TV NEWS STATION: ABC Columbia
1.) For the their location above a popular bar and 2.)
WORST SCANDAL: TIE: Republican Comptroller Having the only street-facing televisions on USC game
General Candidate Richard Ecsktrom using a state days where the homeless can stand and watch.
vehicle to take his family on vacation and having his royal
 Mr. Meaner’s
CRIME REPORT
THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE
ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.

29201 29201 29201 29205

Putting the "F-U" in funeral: Police responded to a wake Home Box Office's “The Wire” is hitting too close to An officer of the law on patrol outside Club RA in the On Halloween a man told police that someone followed
at the Greater Columbia Funeral Home to find to a piss- home. Police last week reported gang-related graffiti Vista this week arrested a liquored-up club kid for throw- him asking for a dollar. When he refused to let the man
drunk 26-year-old man brandishing a loaded pistol. The sprayed all over the outside walls of a Dollar Tree store, ing beer bottles in the parking lot, 700 block Gervais holla at a dolla, two other men jumped him. He was able
reporting officers arrested the funeral crasher for drunk- 7500 block Garner's Ferry Road. Street. to get away but did lose his cell phone, 2100 block
enness, resisting arrest and unlawful carrying of a pis- Santee Street.
tol. We'd hate to see this guy at a wedding, 2500 block 29201 29201
Main Street. The parking meter problem in Five Points has become Someone apparently took Rage Against The Machine 29205
a giant bicker-fest in the mainstream media these days. guitarist Tom Morello's advice and “armed the home- Another man with a pistol stuck up a man walking down
29201 Maybe that's what forced police to respond to someone less” because a cop shaking down an area hobo found Devine Street near Bann Swann, 2100 block Devine
Didn't see this coming: A middle-aged man told police trying to smash one of the meters open downtown in the him carrying a box cutter, 800 block Duke Ave. Street.
last week that some sketchy kids threw "several eggs middle of the afternoon, 2100 block Blossom Street. 29203 29209
against his door and sidewalk," causing him $50 in dam- Three thugs knocked on the door of a Greene Street Officers found a man with a bag of ganja at the local
age. Serve better candy next time maybe? 900 block 29201 residence then busted inside pointing a pump shotgun McDonalds. That's why Ronald always has a smile on
Catawba Street. If you have dope in your car, it might not be the best at the 81-year-old resident and demanding "Give me his face, 700 block Garners Ferry Road.
idea to drive 86 mph in a 60 mph zone like this weed your wallet." After the man handed over his wallet and
29201 fiend did on I-26 in the middle of the day. And all of that cash, the gunslinger pumped the shotgun in his face 29209
I'm coming down there with a nuclear bomb to blow you for only .5 grams, too- about enough to get a Keebler elf scaring the hell out of him, 2400 block Greene Street. A woman called the police after someone poured beer
up. That's what an unknown caller told a Columbia high, Greystone Blvd. all over her and then punched her in the face. Someone
woman over the telephone last week. Needless to say 29203 tell Gretchen Wilson to write a song about it, 1200 block
no nuclear weapons were found near the premises, also 29201 A man pointed a black pistol at another man and Rosewood Drive.
over $80 billion wasn't spent to search for them, try and After a traffic court case at Justice Square, a man con- demanded everything in his pockets. After the victim
set up a puppet regime, then finally admit it was all victed of a violation walked passed the officer who tick- gave up his money, jacket and cell phone, his attacker 29209
about oil anyway. But we're not splitting hairs here, just eted him and whispered, "You'll get yours motherfuck- head-butted him in the face once and ran off, 3000 When a man's credit card was declined at the La Quinta
atoms, 1800 block Blanding Street. er," in his ear. The officer followed the ticketed trouble- block Carever Street. hotel he became incensed. Ripping the counter displays
maker out of the building and asked him what exactly he from the desk, Mr. Shortfuse threw them all over the
29201 meant by that. Obviously looking for another trip to 29203 lobby and went ape-shit bonkers. His tirade caused
While walking through the Bank of America parking lot court, the jerk-off put up his dukes and posted up to the No respect: A secondary education student told her $200 in damage and the hotel owner wants to prose-
in Five Points at 2:30 in the morning, a 22-year-old man cop- he was arrested, 800 block Washington Street. teacher she was going to beat her up. Teachers nowa- cute, 7300 block Garners Ferry Road.
said six to eight black men ran up on him and beat him days really need to get paid more if they're going to be
down. He was able to get away but not after taking two 29201 putting up with crap like this, 500 block Fairfield Road. 29209
punches to the face and cutting up his hands on the Members of the police force arrested a drunken woman Obviously believing in straightforward, honest advertis-
pavement, 2100 block Devine Street. with a pistol in her purse following a domestic violence 29204 ing, a man reportedly stole two packs of pork chops,
call brought, 400 block Water Street. A 24-year-old woman said three men threw eggs at her three packs of smoked sausage and some Boston but-
face and chest after she refused to give one of them her ter from the Save-a-lot and then jumped into a grey
29201 phone number. Forget what you heard, no one likes Volvo and drove away. Happy Thanksgiving, 6600 block
Following a Kill-Bill-style girl fight, a police officer was 29201 "hard to get" apparently, 2100 block Santee Ave. Garners Ferry Road.
seen interrogating a woman who was dressed as a In Hyatt Park, a Columbia officer found a 36-year-old
giant Q-tip outside Sharky's in Five Points, 600 block man snoozing on a picnic table shortly before midnight. 29204 29209
Harden Street. He had a bag of marijuana in his pocket so the cop Some idiot kids were goofing off with a pellet gun in The clerk of a BP station said she saw a man pissing
arrested the picnic table puffer and took his stoned ass Columbia last week when one of them shot another in behind the station. After the clerk approached him about
29201 to jail, 900 block Jackson Ave. the hand. Why not play with your old man's .22 or a flare it, the pump station pisser threatened her life, 2800
Police say a Columbia secondary education student gun next time? 2800 block Blowell Court. block Rosewood.
beat up a teacher and then punched another school offi- 29201
cial who was trying to take the little brat down to the An animal services official told Columbia police there 29204 29212
principal's office. Republican Superintendent of was a dog in a 2' by 3' cage with no food or water and Police found a drunken man with a shotgun in Frankie's No Fun Park: While at Frankie's, a woman
Education Candidate Karen Floyd says she wants to put the animal had been left there for over 24 hours, 70 Columbia. His name was not Dick Cheney, 2500 block called the police to report that someone had jacked her
cameras in every classroom. We'll take video, 800 block block Tommy Circle. Forest Drive. purse from her car. Nothing a game of putt-putt and Ski
Elmwood Ave. Ball couldn't fix though, 140 block Parkridge.

NOVEMBER 9, 2006 11
12 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 13
 STATE’S MURDER RATE DOESN’T
MATCH PUBLIC PERCEPTION
A mother and her four children were shot and
killed Sept. 30 in a North Charleston trailer. Two days
later, Greenwood County authorities found four dead in
two apparently unrelated murder-suicides.
And in Pennsylvania this week, a madman lined
up 10 girls against a blackboard in an Amish school and
shot them. Five died; several were wounded seriously.
Then he shot himself.
Just about everywhere you turn lately, it seems
violence has gotten out of control. But experts say if
you look at statistics over time, you may be surprised to
learn violent crime in America is actually down. In South
Carolina, the murder rate essentially is flat. If adjusted
for population increases, the murder rate actually is
heading down.
In 1998, South Carolina had 305 murders. In pre-
liminary 2005 figures from the State Law Enforcement
Division that are due to be published later this quarter,
some 315 were murdered - - a 3 percent increase over
eight years. At the same time, the state’s population
grew from 3.9 million to 4.3 million – an 11 percent
increase.
“If the number [of murders] remains stable and
your state is growing, then your problem is getting
smaller,” noted Joel Best, a University of Delaware soci-
ology and criminal justice professor who wrote a book
on random violence a few years back.
SLED Chief Robert Stewart said this week in an
interview that violent crime dropped about 2.5 percent
last year, although the number of murders in the state
grew. (For several years, the number of murders has
been about 300 annually; in 2004 the number dropped
to 278, but returned to historic levels in 2005.)
“Though the number of murders may not be that
different, the situation seems to be different,” Stewart
said.
Everywhere, people feel the same - - as if there’s
more violent crime. And because it feels more random,
many people worry.
Part of the reason is murders, like those in North
Charleston and Pennsylvania, seem to be more sensa-
tional. In turn, that generates a lot of media coverage.
Picnicking For Parking
Friday, November 17, 11:00 am
In Front of The Gourmet Shop
14 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
“That affects the consciousness of the public and
gets their attention,” Stewart said.
Best said looking at statistics over time showed
there really aren’t waves of violent crime. Instead, there
were waves of media coverage about the crimes. In
other words, when the media or readers become con-
cerned about a rash of crimes, they tend to be more
sensitive to similar stories, which feed worries about
increased violence.
“We can convince ourselves there’s a trend and
really, the only way to look at this is to look at the whole
range of statistics,” Best said. “The idea of random vio-
lence [increasing] is really a red herring.”
But he added that for some groups of people, such
as young African-American males, violence occurs at a
much greater rate than, for example, elderly white
women.
“If we were selling people homicide insurance, we
wouldn’t charge everybody the same rate.”
Stewart said most violent crimes - - 64 percent of
murders; 76 percent of rapes and 76 percent of aggra-
vated assaults - - are committed by acquaintances or
family members.
“Everybody thinks the violent criminal is the pred-
ator hiding in the shadows when, in fact, the majority of
the time it is, other than robberies, a family member or
acquaintance,” Stewart said. He added 16 percent of
robberies are done by friends or relatives.
If you’re worried about the increasing murder rate,
there are two things you can do to reduce your risk
greatly, Best said. First, remain celibate – which will
help you avoid being killed in domestic altercations.
Second, “don’t work in a business that handles a lot of
cash in the dark.”
Violent crimes occur. They’re horrific and they’re
tragic. It’s a shame they’re apart of our lives. But if you
look at the numbers, they’re not occurring in a much
greater frequency in general in South Carolina. And
that, we hope, will help you sleep better at night.
He can be reached at: brack@statehousere-
port.com.
Stop Meters In
Five Points
Call 446-3458
for more info
Ted Rall
OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHMARE HAS JUST BEGUN
LIKE CORNERED RATS, GOP LOSERS
MORE DANGEROUS THAN EVER
NEW YORK--"My fellow Americans,"
assured incoming president Gerald Ford
hours after the Watergate scandals forced
Richard Nixon to resign, "our long national
nightmare is over."
I'm tempted, in the aftermath of the
widest and most stunning electoral repudi-
ation of Republicanism since Watergate,
to mark the Democratic recapture of gov-
ernorships, the House of Representatives
(and probably the Senate) as the begin-
ning of the end of Bush's fascism lite, and thus a long
overdue vindication of what I've been saying about him
since his December 2000 coup d'état.
Back in 2001 and 2002, state-controlled media called
me radical. Now, with most Americans seeing things my
way, I'm mainstream. Yet I'm more scared now.
"Iraq," I wrote a week before the 2003 invasion, "will
probably be Bush's Waterloo." And so it has been: Exit
polls found voters more motivated by opposition to the war
than any other issue. "There was general revulsion in the
country, particularly among Democrats and independents,
against the conduct of the war in Iraq," said pollster John
Zogby. "This was, at the grass roots, a referendum against
the war and the president. For Republicans, there was sig-
nificant disappointment about opportunities lost through
enormous budget deficits, threats to civil liberties, a failed
social agenda, and the war." Although Democrats failed to
nationalize the election, Iraq succeeded: a pitiful seven
percent of respondents to the latest Gallup survey still
want to "stay the course."
A White House controlled by an unpopular, highly
partisan lame duck, a rival party majority without enough
votes in Congress to override his veto, and the early start
of a highly anticipated 2008 presidential campaign add up
to one likely result: gridlock. Bush's legislative and military
agendas are dead. But our long national nightmare has
just begun.
A Frightening New Security State
We'll be cleaning up Bush's mess long after his
scheduled abdication on January 20, 2009. But the tril-
lions of dollars in national debt he has run up and his two
losing wars will drain our economy for decades to come.
We've provoked a new generation of terrorists. Yet even
more damaging and nearly impossible to unravel will be
the threats to Americans posed by the neofascist national
security apparatus the Bushists will leave behind--unless
they use it to remain in power.
Shortly after 9/11 Bush began the first of a long series
of power grabs that have transformed him from the leader
of a country beholden to its people to an authoritarian des-
pot. He signed a secret executive order granting himself
the right to declare anyone in the world, including a U.S.
citizen, an "enemy combatant"--without proof--and order
him assassinated. Violating federal law and privacy rights,
Bush authorized the NSA to listen to our phone calls and
read our e-mail. FBI, CIA and HomeSec goons "disap-
peared" thousands of people into a horrible new matrix of
concentration camps and secret prisons.
On October 17, 2006 Bush signed the Military
Commissions Act. The new law, scarcely mentioned in the
media, is breathtaking for the breadth of its attack on basic
rights. Under the MCA either the president or the secretary
of defense may declare you an "enemy combatant"--as
usual, without proof. Under that designation you may be
jailed, without the right to an attorney, for the rest of your
life. You can even be tortured. Your U.S. citizenship can't
protect you. And it's all "legal."
Concentration Camps
In January 2006 HomeSec awarded a $385 million
contract to Kellogg, Brown and Root, the subsidiary of
Halliburton Co., to build "temporary detention and pro-
cessing capabilities"--internment camps--"in the event of
an emergency influx of immigrants into the U.S., or to sup-
port the rapid development of new programs."
The question, asks Progressive magazine editor
Ruth Conniff, "is what is the government planning to do
with mass roundups of people?" After all, Bush and other
Republican leaders have spent five years calling
Democrats and others who disagree with them traitors
and terrorists. Following so much hateful rhetoric, you
can't blame liberals for wondering whether they too are
about to be declared "enemy combatants." They're not
paranoid; they're just paying attention.
editorial
BY THE PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST
And Now, Martial Law
About a week ago some left-wing bloggers
began circulating rumors that Bush had secretly
signed something called the "John Warner
Defense Authorization Act of 2007" that "allows
the president to declare a 'public emergency' and
station troops anywhere in America and take con-
trol of state-based National Guard units without
the consent of the governor or local authorities, in
order to 'suppress public disorder.'" I couldn't find
the text of the law at the time, formerly H.R. 5122,
or a reliable media account, so I decided not to
report on it.
I can now confirm the bloggers' account. Bush signed
the JWDAA hours after the MCA, in a furtive closed-door
White House ceremony. There is, buried deep down in
Title V, Subtitle B, Part II, Section 525(a) of the JWDAA, a
coup. The Bush Administration has quietly stolen the
National Guard away from the states.
Here's the relevant section of Public Law 109-364:
"The [military] Secretary [of the Army, Navy or Air
Force] concerned may order a member of a reserve com-
ponent under the Secretary's jurisdiction to active
duty…The training or duty ordered to be performed…may
include…support of operations or missions undertaken by
the member's unit at the request of the President or
Secretary of Defense."
The National Guard, used to maintain order during
natural disasters and civil disturbances and the sole vehi-
cle available under U.S. law to enforce a declaration of
martial law, has previously been controlled by state gover-
nors. They have now been stripped of that control. Thanks
to the JWDAA, Bush or Rumsfeld can now deploy
National Guardsmen in American cities without obtaining
permission from state governors.
Section 526 of the Warner Act goes further still. It
states that the "Governor of a State…with the consent of
the [military] Secretary concerned, may order a member of
the National Guard to perform Active Guard and Reserve
duty…" The key word is "may." A governor can no longer
deploy the Guard in his or her state without first getting
Rumsfeld's permission.
Patrick Leahy (D-VT) sounded the alarm during sen-
atorial debate, but U.S. state-controlled media ignored
him. The Warner Act, he said, "includes language that
subverts solid, longstanding posse comitatus statutes that
limit the military's involvement in law enforcement, there-
by making it easier for the President to declare martial
law…We fail our Constitution, neglecting the rights of the
states, when we make it easier for the president to declare
martial law and trample on local and state sovereignty."
Only one governor, Kathleen Blanco of Louisiana,
made a fuss over the Warner Act. A spokesman for the
National Governors Association requested a wimpy "clari-
fication" concerning what circumstances might prompt
Bush to impose martial law. As far as I can determine this
column marks the first time the JWDAA has been men-
tioned in the mainstream media.
Now the dark men who engineered America's post-
9/11 police state have watched the public reject their poli-
cies. The incoming Democratic majority Congress will be
able to hold hearings and launch investigations that could
lead to their indictments and removal from office. John
Dingell, the liberal incoming chairman of the Commerce
Committee did nothing to dissuade GOP fears of "a bliz-
zard of subpoenas": "As the Lord High Executioner said in
'The Mikado,'" Dingell recently joked, "I have a little list."
A year of crisis commences.
As ugly secrets surface, Bushists will turn desperate.
Democracy has failed their grand schemes; token resig-
nations like Rumsfeld's come too little, too late. Only tyran-
ny can save their skins. Will the beleaguered neocons led
by Cheney and Bush, cornered like rats, unleash their
brand-new police state on their political opponents? Or will
they tough it out and suck up the fines and prison sen-
tences to come? The next year or two could go either way.
The nightmare is not over.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
(Ted Rall is the author of the new book "Silk Road to
Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?," an in-depth
prose and graphic novel analysis of America's next big for-
eign policy challenge.)
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 15
 THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9
New Brookland Tavern - 7pm
Stellamaris, Umbrellas, Vatican Radio
Art Bar -
The Spores
Art Garage-
Richard Buckner
Headliner’s - 9pm
Sol Driven Train, The Progression
Jammin Java - 9pm
Micah Dalton
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10
New Brookland Tavern - 5pm (early)
Fair Street, Nasties, Because Of This,
Kennedy Curse
New Brookland Tavern - 9pm (late)
Sunshone Still, The Houstons, Jerry
Chapman
Art Bar -
Art Bar Players
Headliner’s - 8pm
Deadboy and the Elephant Men
Jammin Java - 9pm
Eric Skelton & the Homecoming Kings
Austin Crane
Art Garage
Locals Showcase
featuring: Heart Monster Brave
Horatius,This Machine is Me,Le
Horla,Devon Wolfe,Shallow Palace
BEN FOLDS AT KOGER CENTER - TUESDAY NOVEMBER 14.
God willing, everyone will
remember Winston-Salem,
North Carolina native Ben
Folds for his song "Brick" that
came out in 1997 anticipating
the spawn of emotionally-driv-
en, sensitive-boy-in-girl's-
pants, post-alternative emo
rock. But probably not.
Nowadays the singer/pianist is
most likely better known for his
witty, closing of the century,
ironic-nostalgia anthems like
"Army" and the now ubiquitous
"Rockin' the Suburbs." But
that's OK. Everybody has to
16 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11
Art Bar
The Void Black Sabbath Tribute with
The Gods Of Mars and Significant
Others
New Brookland Tavern - 5pm (early)
Foxes That Fight, Maladroit Mafia, The
Fad, Veara
New Brookland Tavern - 9:30pm
Halo Stereo,TBA
Headliner’s - 9pm
R.A.Q.
Art Bar -
The Void (as Black Sabbath)
The Gods Of Mars, Significant Others
Jammin Java - 9pm
Carey Sims
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12
New Brookland Tavern - 6pm
Death Blow, Charge The Mound, The
Fire The Flood, Pray For War, Bite The
Curb
Art Garage
Two Dollar Guitar (w/ steve
shelley(sonic youth) and chris
brokaw(come, codeine))/ Chris Brokaw
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 13
Art Bar
Euro Moto Club. 8pm
Gutbucket with bigSphinx
New Brookland Tavern - 6pm
AcousticRadio, American Murder
Run Dan Run, The Thomas Baker
Band, Sequoyah Prep School, The
Blackwood, A Common Misconception
grow up sometime and it might
be best to do it with a smirk and
the aging grace of a polished
cynic, something Folds has
been pulling off since the days
of his middleclass upbringing
and early imitations of Alton
John on the piano his father
gave to him at the age of nine.
Tuesday, Nov. 14, now al
grown up and hardly middle-
class, Ben Folds will perform at
the Koger Center in what is
sure to be this month's most
stellar musical performance.
Headliner’s - 7pm
Sugarcult, The Pink Spiders, Damone
Meg & Dia
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14
New Brookland Tavern - 7pm
Wheatus, House Of Fools,The
Morining Of, TBA
Headliner’s - 7pm
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Lorene
Drive Medina Lake
Jammin Java - 7pm
Columbia Slam Team
Koger Center-
Ben Folds, Corn Mo
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
New Brookland Tavern
Cities Apart (CD Release Party)
Mark Roberts and theTwenty-
Somethings,,Mile High School
Aubergine
Headliner’s
Friends for Scotty for Cancer Patient
Scotty Reed hosted by Todd Ellis
Tootie and the Jones
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16
Art Bar
How to Vanish with Nervous System
and Suhragim
New Brookland Tavern
Aposable Scumm,LeHorla, The
DaliDrama, Sleep Light Off
Headliner’s
Bitter Pillw/ Never Better
HOOBASTANK AT HEADLINER’S MUSIC HALL
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21- 7PM $15 ADV
Years ago, back in the perverbial
day I used to host a college radio
show at WUSC called Under the
Covers. And surprise, we played
cover songs.
My first introduction to this alt-rock
band from Agoura Hills, CA was
there cover of Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya
Think I’m Sexy.” It was a perfect fit
for the radio show. A silly cover by
an unheard of band with a silly
name. It was fun and somewhat
embarassing to announce on the
radio.
Fast forward a year and
Hoobastank is tearing up the other
side of the dial with their #1 modern
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17
New Brookland Tavern
6p.m. The Facing,Adam Bryant
9 p.m. Diavolo, EMOTRO,Diemona
The Harat Massacre
Headliner’s
The Movement CD RELEASE PARTY
"Live at Home" w/ SOJA
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18
New Brookland Tavern
5 p.m. iNDEED, Moonless Moth
Normal Bias Deleveled Entreat
Israels Son
Art Bar
I Nine with Madison Fair and The
Comfies
SUNDAY. NOVEMBER 19
New Brookland Tavern
Examining Emma,The Decade,The
Machine,Coreview
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20
New Brookland Tavern
Singer/Songerwriter Night W/:
The Dubber,Zack Fowler,Todd
Mathis,Nate,Stephen Wilkinson
Jordan Alexander
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21
New Brookland Tavern
New Music Night W/: Diddy Levine
,Saturn 3,Tripping The Mechanism
Rooster Scratch,Jethro's Advice,TBA
rock hit “Crawling in the Dark.” A
couple years later and the band is
reaching the rest of the radio listen-
ing society with their crossover hit
“The Reason.”
Briging the gap between the
Converge and Bouncing Souls
shows and the Toby Keith and
Journey concerts Hoobastank is a
perfect example of what the reor-
ganized Headliner’s can bring to
Columbia,
They’ve got your soaring guitar
chops and catchy modern rock cho-
ruses and should pack that entire
section of the Vista on a Tuesday
evening.
Headliner’s
Hoobastank w/ Halifax
Agent Sparks
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
New Brookland Tavern
closed
Headliner’s
REGGAE NIGHTMystic Vibrations
w/ DJ Wriggle
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23
New Brookland Tavern
Thanksgiving Night
W/ Sean Drink Specials To Help
CelebrateBeing Thankful For Alcohol
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Headliner’s
Joal Rush w/ Brent McDonald Band
Owen Beverly
Art Bar
Delirium Tribal Bellydance Company
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25
New Brookland Tavern
Against All Authority,Time Again
The Flatliners, Testing Ground
Art Garage
Thanksgiving / Bowerbirds / The Pale
Pyrenees/ * Art display by Jen Ray
Art Bar
Country Crooners Jamboree featuring
the local ladies of country: Carrie
Phillips, Elizabeth Allen, and Shannon
Surratt, with The Baldness
ROAD TRIP
CHARLESTON, SC
November 10 - Charleston Music Hall
Robert Earl Keen, Kevin Fowler
November 11 - Music Farm
Keller Williams
November 12 - Music Farm
G. Love & the Special Sauce, Marc
Broussard
November 16 - Music Farm
Dirty Dozen Brass Band with special
guest: Melvin Sparks
November 17- Music Farm
Souls Harbor
November 18- Music Farm
Slightly Stoopid & Pepper with special
guests: The Supervillians
November 18- Music Farm
Ziggy Marley - Love is My Religion Tour
AUGUSTA, GA
November 10 - Imperial Theatre
The Smithereens
November 14 - Sector 7G
Spitafield, Boys Like Girls, Over It
November 17- Blue Horse Music
Brian Vander Ark
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26
New Brookland
Erley Grace, Xemir,JT And The Blame
Monstro
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27
New Brookland
The Hold Steady,The Big Sleep
The Specs
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Art Bar
ABSTRACT Drum & Bass and
Electronica dance night with DJ Joey
and GuyL
New Brookland
Lovedrug,Brandtson,The Myriad
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
New Brookland
MikeNPike,Manchester Orchestra
Monday In London,Estates
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Art Bar
The Cartridge Family with Petrillo
Relents and Bentz Kirby
Headliners
Diemona
White Rose Revival
Cities Apart
Shallow Palace
New Brookland
Oldstate,Ninjaloot,Pagan Savant
A Gift Wrapped In Blood
November 21 - Sector 7G
100 Demons, One Dead Tree, Wounded,
Shai Hulud, Since The Flood
CHARLOTTE, NC
November 10 - Cricket Arena
Bloc Party, Panic at the Disco, Jack’s
Mannequin
November 11 - Amos’ Southend
G. Love & the Special Saucewith Marc
Broussard
November 13 - Amos’ Southend
Lorene Drive, Madina Lake, Red Jumpsuit
Apparatus, The Audition
November 15- Neighborhood Theatre
Gov’t Mule
ATLANTA, GA
November 9- The Masquerade
Cute is what we go for, Dave Melillo,
Hellogoodbye, Reggie & The Full Effect
November 10- Variety Playhouse
The Black Keys, The Black Angels
November 11- The Masquerade
Wheatus, Valencia, Spitalfield, Over It,
Melee, Mayday Parade, Lakes, Boys Like
Girls

Punk rock wasn’t made for Wal-Mart
It’s 3 a.m. Monday, Oct.r 30 and I’m half
asleep (which may mean passed out) on a
random couch in an inconspicuous house
in West Columbia. I peer out underneath
my Dickies baseball cap, unwilling to lift
my head, and a half-naked tattooed figure
passes through the living room. At that
moment I also notice my friend has
passed out and her head has landed in my
crotch.
That was the last time I saw the
Lawrence Arms’ Brendan Kelly. Black
socks and black underwear.
“Definitely we are fans of having fun and
we like to get drunk and get high and stuff
like that and it's fun,” says guitarist/bassist
Brendan Kelly about his Chicago-based
band on Fat Wreck Chords (the label start-
ed by Fat Mike of NOFX).
“There are also a lot of times when we
are just pretty fucking sober and trying to
play the best show we can play. This is our
job, we're not complete fuckoffs,” says
Kelly.
The Lawrence Arms is a product of the
old school punk rock mentality and a prod-
uct of their hometown of Chicago.
“A shitty bar in Chicago is better than the
best bar in any other city. There's such a
drinking culture [in our town],” says Kelly.
Earlier that evening, outside of South
Carolina’s oldest bar, the New Brookland
Tavern, Kelly is talking about how he has
already turned down six shots. He
explains how many nights fans mistake
him for being wasted when he hasn’t even
had a single drink. The stigma is there and
hard to escape.
Life on the road can be confusing.
The core of the brothers in Arms have
known each for about 15 years and the
relationship between Chris McCaughan
(guitar/vocals) and Kelly has provided the
band with of sense of unity, understand-
ing, and brotherly love.
“Chris and I played in a band before
called the Broadways and in our youthful
idealism we were convinced it was going
to become the most important band of all
time,” says Kelly.
“It’s funny how youthful idealism shifts
in the matter of 12 months,” says Chris
McCaughan.
“Believe it or not it didn’t become the
most important band of all time. In fact, all
of a sudden we were like ‘wow we’re a
didactic preachy band of assholes,’” says
Kelly.
The Broadways disbanded and Kelly
and McCaughan began work with a new
operation, the Lawrence Arms. It was
something for fun and without the pres-
sures of the past.
“It was getting back to the roots just
because we were friends,” says Kelly.
Before the band’s first show they had
already written two records. They put outb
material on Asian Man Records and made
their way to Fat Wreck.The band’s ambi-
tious production would eventually take its
toll.
“It’s come to kick us in the dick a little
bit. Now we have a pretty vast catalogue,”
says Kelly. Larry Arms now has five
records under their belt and as an estab-
lished yet unpopular band Kelly admits
that something will always be neglected
during their live set.
“It’s not like we’re a big enough band to
play like a two-hour evening with the
Lawrence Arms,” says Kelly.
Which brings us to the favorite activi-
ties of the Lawrence Arms (outside of
boozing): avoiding expectations and get-
ting under people’s skin.
“”if there’s one thing that I love it’s piss-
ing people off. It’s one of my favorite pas-
times,” says Kelly.
The band’s favorite point of attack hap-
pens to be the Van’s Warped Tour (other-
wise known as the Ernie Ball, Pepsi,
Budweiser, PETA, Hot Topic,
Interpunk.com, Cingular Wireless, insert
corporate sponsor here, Vans Warped
Tour).
“The important thing to know about the
Warped Tour is that there used to be a
time when all the bands that now play the
Warped Tour that used to be the big old
punk rock bands used to go on tour in the
summer because it was the best time and
bands like us had any number of chances
to get jobs supporting these big bands.
Now all those bands are on the Warped
Tour and all the bands like us are out in
the cold. Now the small clubs can’t get any
shows anymore. It's just so detrimental for
the whole DIY economy where clubs shut
down, bands have to stop going on tour
and the Warped Tour continues to steam-
roll through this DIY economy and some-
how kids thinks it's the best thing, they pay
a small amount of money to get this big
thing-it's just like Wal-Mart,” says Kelly.
At this point you can tell you’ve touched
on something that Kelly holds deep near
his punk rock heart. He’s not irate or fum-
ing, but the match has been lit and the
bonfire is ready to burn. Calming that fire,
he sips his drink.
““We've pissed fucking razor blades
about the Warped Tour for the last year
and a half, and were not exactly at the
forefront of the punk rock media communi-
ty, but all the bands that could potentially
say something, their response is univer-
sally the same thing: ‘I only have to work
for a half an hour and get paid the same
amount of money,’” says Kelly.
“I'm sorry but I call bullshit on any band
that headlines the Warped Tour.”
“You're closing your eyes to the one fun-
damental truth. You're the Wal-Mart of the
one thing that you care about. And that
goes for friends of mine and people I have
no respect for. So take that Rise Agains
and Aiden”
Like all great punk rock bands, you
won’t deny the Lawrence Arms their sense
of honesty especially when they cite there
biggest influence without apprehension,
The Goo Goo Dolls (albeit Metal Blade
era).
“When we were not as old as we are now
we listened to Jed and Hold Me Up a lot,
says McCaughan.”
SPARTA Threes
October 24, 2006 Hollywood Records
Oh, how it pains me to write this review and even listen to
this record. Sometimes in life, expectations can only breed
severe disapointment. In this case tears are even welling up
at the corners of my eyes and my positive attitude is so ho-
hum.
I recall Wiretap Scars and Sparta’s appearance at a
WARQ Fall Out several years ago with Jimmy Eat World
and Cave In. Completely star struck, I followed the former
members of At the Drive-In around with my camera, captur-
ing almost every moment excluding singer Jim Ward smok-
ing cigarettes (at his personal request).
Ward chastised the jock rock crowd for their breast-grop-
ing, crowd surfing behavior and some of us that day instant-
ly bonded with this new offshoot of El Paso rock ‘n’ roll (or
you could call it post-punk).
The day passed along and I shared many beers with
drummer Tony Hajjar and Ward. The sun would eventually
set over the armpit of the southeast at Finlay Park and I
remember standing next to Columbia’s David A. and shout-
ing out Jimmy Eat World’s “Blister.”
“And how long will it take me... to walk across the United
States all alone. The West Coast has been traumatized and
I think I’m the only one still alive!”
Life was good and definitely fun.
The crowd at the park slowly dispersed and talk amongst
the band centered around the after-party at the now-defunct
Senate Park..
The radio station provided keg beer emptied and mem-
bers of Sparta and I discussed transportation to the club.
And then somehow half of the band was locked in the tour
bus because of a faulty door apparatus. Life was complicat-
ed.
Eventually we made it to Senate Park and I recall Ward
tumbling off his stool and their tour manager smashing the
bottom of his beer on top of mine.
My goodness, my Guinness. The exploding avalanche of
beer foam spewed forth and I realized at that moment: At
the Drive-In was laughing at me.
Years later Sparta comes along with their third full-length
with the addition of supreme indie rock god Keely Davis
(Engine Down, Denali) and I’m expecting the album of the
year. The album’s first single, “Taking Back Control” has this
insane bass line and slick guitar riff and Jim Ward’s voice is
booming out of control. Hell yeah.
Well maybe more like hell no. I like albums and there
might be a couple decent songs on this one, but it’s not hit-
ting the right spots for me right now.
“Erase it Again” has Sparta leaping from Texas across the
Atlantic, painting their iPods red and confusing themselves
with that damn Bono- fronted band from Ireland (which I
like). Don’t get me wrong, “Unstitch Your Mouth” is a slick
piece but Sparta has completely disengaged me from their
latest effort. “Atlas” sounds like a Coldplay song and it’s com-
pletely baffling. What happened to “Cut Your Ribbon”?
All I’m saying is where’s the rock? I don’t necessarily
need intense afro- banging spastic crazy insanity of the good
ole’ days, but Holy one-armed scissor Batman, what hap-
pened? Where did Radiohead fucking come from?
I guess we all have to suck it up and realize that some
bands may have reached their pinnacle and whatever prom-
ise that may have shone through was only promise to begin
with. I’ve been way wrong before though and hopefully this
record is too complicated to understand through the first
dozen attempts
Of course I’d still rather hear any song on this record on
the radio, besides maybe Kelly Clarkson, Outkast or the Pet
Shop Boys.
-SEAN RAYFORD
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 17
 What Would Jesus Say?
BY HARRY S. LARCH
The slogan “What would Jesus do?” is probably
nearing the end of its popular culture run. In fact, I
might have actually killed the phrase with my “What
would Larry David do?” bumper sticker.
So before “WWJD?” goes the way of the diction
dodo, along with other spent phrases like “Where’s the
beef?” and “I pity the fool who don’t eat my Mr. T
Cereal,” I’d like to twist it just a wee bit for my own the-
ological musings.
For years I have puzzled over the fact that many
people (religious conservatives mostly, in my experi-
ence) object to public or even private usage of the word
“shit”. Generally acceptable, however, are minced ver-
sions such as “crap,” “kaka” and “pooh.”
All of these words describe the same thing: Food
enters the body, it runs its gastrointestinal course and
then whatever is left over is excreted through the anus.
(While we’re on the subject, I wouldn’t mind exploring
why ‘asshole’ is such a controversial unit of discourse.
As if all the angels in glory only say “rectum”).
Shit stinks. (So do used socks but no one objects
to “load of socks). Shit also contains more bacteria per
square inch than any other substance on the planet.
And there are thousands of like reasons why people
might want to soften the harshness of the phoneme-
construct that signifies the hard waste ejected by our
colons.
What I don’t get, however, is the theological
stance people often take on ‘shit.’ If I were crass I would
probably call it a crappy position but I would never
stool—I mean stoop—so low.
So it’s high time that someone takes this subject
into the “WWJD?” arena.
I imagine that in Jesus’ 33-year planetary tenure—
not to mention his eternal reign on the heavenly throne
(pun intended)—he has seen his fair share of Galilean
cow pies. And let’s face it: Christ, in his humanity,
made one or two Number Twos.
But what did Jesus call it? Do the most learned of
biblical scholars even know the Aramaic term for turd?
(For some reason, it’s hard to imagine any first-century
civilization making linguistic moral distinctions about
colon casserole).
Unfortunately, all four canonicals Gospels are
quiet on the subject. Oddly, not even the newly uncov-
ered Gospel of Judas sheds any light on the matter.
Come to think of it, in all my years of personal biblical
scholarship, I have never encountered a single
Christological comment about Messianic manure.
Now, before you submit any rancorous let-
ters to the editor about this scatological piece, hear my
apologia de cacata carta.
If we had hardcore evidence that Jesus Christ
If we had hardcore evidence that Jesus Christ never blanched at calling a shit a shit, it would help frame the
spectrum of acceptable language in culture, would it not?
never blanched at calling a shit a shit, it would help
frame the spectrum of acceptable language in culture,
would it not?
I am by no means suggesting that “Shit yeah!”
would suddenly replace “Amen!” in Sunday services.
But it might mean that religious conservatives would
stop bitching about language on CSI: Miami and start
focusing on something important, say perhaps world
poverty.
Speaking of which, I will never forget when contro-
versial Christian speaker Tony Campolo visited my con-
servative Christian college years back. At the end of
Campolo’s diatribe against social injustice, out of con-
text he blurted the word “shit”.
After several tense moments of silence, Campolo
concluded his talk: “How many of you are more upset
that I said that word, than the fact that 10,000 children
will starve to death in Africa today?” Talk about rhetori-
cal skills!
But I’m straying from the original subject: None of
this really matters unless I can convince you that, upon
witnessing one of his disciples step in a steaming blob
of donkey dung, Jesus would have had no problem say-
ing, “Peter, you just stepped in shit.”
Or, don’t you think, after listening to some
Pharisee’s legalistic blather, Jesus might have piped up,
PHOENIX TONGUE
POETRY DATES
i can only tell her i love
her
what am i supposed to say?
how i hated to be an only child
how come i could not have
any brothers or sisters?
alone reading my comic books
superhero dreams
lone ranger on the teevee
good guy wears a mask
saw too much back in my day
the tv that is
didn't grow up with friends
she kept me close to home
had to buy my own bike
at 14, traffic was too crazy
where we used to live
what do i tell her now
she is 6 feet under
her last day susurrate
with the sunset
the ground is hard packed
this time of year in
massachusetts
looking at your parchment
“Bullshit, you whitewashed tomb!” engraved in stone
Sometimes one has to reach out to experience to 85 years of legacy
settle scores of theological import (or export, in this par-
ticular case). came by
Ten years ago, I spent a summer in Israel finishing to say hello
up my Masters degree. On one particular Sunday, I and i love
you mama
found myself celebrating Mass in the Church of the Holy
Sepulcher, with no less than the Bishop of Jerusalem as cheers to you
the officiate. another saint
There were some major renovations being done to in heaven
the holy dome, and above me, the labyrinth of scaffold-
ing had become a temporary home for penitential j. m. starino
pigeons. While the bishop prepared the holy feast, I felt
something wet plop onto my unholy dome.
My guess is that nuns and monks don’t laugh very
This will be a generous month of Poetry
often during High Mass, but even the Bishop of within the Midlands. There will be a
Jerusalem couldn’t resist snickering as a blob of pigeon
blending of Art which includes estab-
poppycock dribbled down my pate.
Needless to say, straightaway after Mass I rushed lished Poetry, Music, Storytelling now
back to my apartment—down the Via Dolorosa no with the infusion of Dance within a
less—fully aware for the first time in my life that the Visual Gallery. The Phoenix Tongue
Creator of the Universe has a very keen, if not cockeyed Road Show returns to Artists' Basement
(kaka-eyed?), sense of humor. 2013 Devine St. Columbia SC on
Honestly, could anyone posit a better theological November 8 featuring Natalie Brown,
defense for the legitimacy of “Holy shit”?
Founder of the Delirium Tribal
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com Bellydance Company. This month we
will travel to Dragonfly Studio 320
Lincoln St. Columbia SC for the first
time as Phoenix Tongue Road Show
brings the lyrical poetry of Romanian
born Mariangela here on November 15.
Phoenix Tongue celebrates a pre-
Thanksgiving Open Mic on November
22 at
The Red Tub 134 1/2 State St. West
Columbia SC. Also at The Red Tub for
Native American Heritage Month Will
Moreau Goins Poet and Editor of The
People Speak will reprise this edition of
Storytelling tracing lineage of Native
Americans from the voices of children to
their elders on November 29. Join us
for these diverse cultural events during
this month. For all dates and locations
Open Mic begins at 8. Donations grate-
fully accepted. For more information call
John Starino (803)463-8297
This is a paid advertisement by
John M. Starino to promote
cultural diversity in Columbia
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 19
 ARIES
Though your hot new British wife
is witty, loving and still has most
of her teeth, you will have a dis-
turbing glimpse into your future
after her first home cooked meal
when you realize that you acci-
dentally ate your napkin with the
casserole, but couldn’t tell the dif-
ference.
TAURUS
Your Capri slacks project indeci-
siveness. Make a choice. Take a
stand! It’s either pants or shorts.
You just can’t have both.
GEMINI
After badgering Andy at Uncle
Louie’s for a shot of Scotch and
Bar-B-Q sauce, he will view your
subsequent shrieks, teary curs-
es, and cayenne speckled snot
bubbles with more amusement
than pity.
CANCER
Driving the Chrysler home from
Ryans with Mabel and your grand-
kids, you will glance briefly into a
world you will never know. You may
observe the slovenly, drunken man
on all fours in a churchyard with his
pants around his ankles, who is
dangling his reproductive organs in
front of a yard spotlight that casts
the phallic shadow up onto the
church for passing traffic... but
whatever you do, don’t stop the car.

LEO VIRGO LIBRA SCORPIO

Leo, it’s like my buddy Tom says:
if you give a man a fish, you feed
him for a day. But, if you teach
the man to fish ...he’ll never show
up for work.
You listened to one of Brezny’s
lovey dovey predictions again,
didn’t you? And what did it get
you? A date with a woman with
skin like pleather upholstery and
hair like a Vulcan. That guy has
about as much business in astrol-
ogy as a shirtless guy with a
colostomy bag has in a mosh pit.
Be careful not to take too many
liberties with creative slang. I
know that you meant “Preemie”
as in “Primo” or “first-rate.” But,
Libra, you probably won’t sell too
many of your new Creamy
Preemie snack cakes, consider-
ing that your bakery is located
across the street from a chil-
dren’s hospital.
To document your weird life, save all
of your answering machine mes-
sages indefinitely. When one
machine is full, simply buy a new
one to record fresh messages. In 20
years, your garage half filled with
answering machines you will enjoy
blowing the dust off of one, and lis-
tening to the time your then girlfriend
faked an orgasm for 8 minutes fol-
lowed by your mother reading a ran-
dom passage from Nostradamus.

SAGITTARIOUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES

I warned you to be careful with
that home liposuction kit, didn’t I?
You shorted the thing out halfway
through your session and now it
looks like you’re wearing half of a
fat suit.
You will develop an irrational fear
of Roy Clark. To cut down your
chances of ever running into him,
avoid all bales of hay, tall stalks
of corn, or overly “southern”
women with fake freckles telling
bad jokes.
Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
Be kind to the elderly this week,
Pisces. –Psst. Help... Me. The old
guy over there. No! Don’t look at
him— Um... and would it hurt to call
your grandmother this week? And
stop listening to that rap music so
loud. –Keep smiling. The elderly are
watching. They’re everywhere.—
Maybe, wake up early to help
Grampa in the yard. – Watch your-
self, Pisces. Retribution will come on
a swift walker. Go! Send help! While
you still can.

Jonesin’ Crosswords “High Five”—totally busted. BY MATT JONES

Across 55 Parent, after birth ed for pot in LondoninFebruary

1 Warning from Fluffy
5 Show that was filmed in
Nashville
11 They take the mic
14 Get into the game
15 Evil spirits that visit women
at night
16 “Can ___ least sit down?”
17 “The Giving Tree” author
Silverstein
18 Words after “go”
19 Part of the former
Yugoslavia: abbr.
20 Ricola competitor
22 Egg-shaped
23 Title role for Jack Black
24 Manhattan, e.g.
25 Get from ___ B
28 Hobby of in-creasing popu-
larity?
30 Needing some grub
32 Scream at a boy band con-
cert, maybe
33 Some protagonists
35 Former Steelers coach
36 Sitcom star busted for pot
in 1998 at his home in West
Virginia
39 “Preach on!”
41 Parking lot party
45 Funeral notes
47 Using as a source
48 Qualities of character
50 ___-pitch softball
51 Little colonist52 Mandela’s
org.
53 They’re mined, I tell ya!
57 Former South Korean pres-
ident ___ Tae-woo
58 Shrewish women
61 Tegan’s twin and songwrit-
ing collaborator
62 Lucy of “Shanghai Noon”
63 News hour
64 Party to
65 Fleet leader: abbr.
66 “Grease” high school
67 1.008 for hydrogen, e.g.
Down
1 Cannabis product
2 How some bad decisions are
made
3 Out of this world
4 Promote
5 Website visit
6 Music pioneer Brian
7 Benefit of singing in the
shower
8 Eduardo’s egg
9 Playing loudly, like a group
of trumpets
10 Music legend busted for
having pot on his tour bus in
September 2006
11 See 29-down
12 Apple coating, come
Halloween
13 Vodka brand, slangily
21 Tony-winning dancer bust-
ed for smoking a blunt in 1996
in New York City
26 Exit before 11, maybe
27 Used too much
29 With 11-down, singer bust-
2006 31 With
40-down, actor busted for pot
in a 1948 stakeout in Laurel
Canyon, Calif
34 Prepared
37 Gets bad guys
38 Small flask39 Lymphatic
mass
40 See 31-down
42 Insisting
43 Twelve-note scale used by
Schoenberg
44 Contest hopeful
46 In a weird way
48 “The Jeffersons” actress
Gibbs
49 Class full of giggles
54 First name in golf
56 About 30% of the Earth’s
land
59 “La Bestia ___ Cuore”
(2005 Oscar nominee for Best
Foreign Language Film)
60 Sketch show, for short
©2006 Jonesin’
Crosswords(editor@jonesin-
crosswords.com)For answers
to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-
2800, 99 cents per minute.
Must be 18+. Or to bill toyour
credit card, call: 1-800-655-
6548. Reference puzzle
#0279.

20 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
Deric spoils the movie
Jackass: Number Two Catch a Fire
Rated R, 1 hr 35 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 38 min.
(1:15), (4:10), 7:30, 9:50 (3:30), 10:05
Facing the Giants
Man of the Year Rated PG, 1 hr 51 min
49 UP Rated PG-13, 1 hr 55 min
NOVEMBER 8-12 (12:55), 7:10
(1:20), (4:30), 7:10, 9:45
WEDNESDAY - SUNDAY Flags of Our Fathers
SHOWTIMES NIGHTLY AT 7:00 & 9:30 ST. ANDREWS ROAD MULTI CINEMAS Rated R, 2 hr 12 min
(3:00 MATINEE WEDNESDAY, SATURDAY, 527 St. Andrews Road. (2:10), (5:05), 8:15
SUNDAY)
Director Michael Apted continues his Barnyard: The Original Party Flushed Away
award-winning series with this look at Animals Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min
his group of subjects as they turn 49. (12:50), (2:40), (3:10), (5:00),
Rated PG, 1 hr 23 min
2:40, 4:30, 7:15, 9:00 (5:40), 7:20, 8:00, 9:40, 10:20
WAITING FOR GUFFMAN
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10TH LATE Gridiron Gang
NIGHT ONE SCREENING ONLY AT Grudge 2, The
Rated PG-13, 2 hr 0 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min
11:45 P.M. 2:10, 4:25, 7:05, 9:25
The Nick will screenChristopher (1:15), (4:20), 7:35, 9:55
Guests'"Waiting for Guffman" as part Monster House Guardian, The
of the SC Theatre Association's annu- Rated PG, 1 hr 31 min Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min
al convention which will take place at 2:30, 4:15, 7:20, 9:10
USC November 10-12. (12:40), (4:10), 7:15,
Step Up 10:15
NICK YOUTH SERIES Rated PG-13, 1 hr 38 min Man of the Year
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11 2:20, 4:45, 7:10, 9:15 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 55 min
10 A.M. ONLY SECOND SATUR- World Trade Center (1:05), (3:50), 6:50, 9:35
DAYS
A film series for caregivers and youth Rated PG-13, 2 hr 5 min Prestige, The
2:00, 4:35, 7:00, 9:20
THE PRESTIGE (2006) daughter as his ward so she will not be orphaned. Lord
Caldlow then reveals himself to Borden as Angier all along
focusing on the shared experience of
watching and discussing films. CARMIKE CINEMAS 14
Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min
(1:10), (4:00), 7:05, 10:00
and Borden is hanged. Admission: 1.00 per person 122 Afton Court.
M. Night Shyamalan wishes he had thought of this But wait, there's more…. Recommended Ages: 7 and above. Running With Scissors
twist ending After Angier (now Lord Caldlow) witnesses Borden's PLEASE NOTE: PARENTS/CARE- Black Dahlia, The Rated R, 2 hr 2 min
The premise of The Prestige is simple: all magic tricks death, a small rubber ball identical to the one used in GIVERS MUST ACCOMPANY ALL Rated R, 1 hr 59 min (1:50), (4:40), 7:25, 10:25
have three parts. First, The Pledge wherein a magician Borden's “Transported Man” trick bounces by, and Angier is CHILDREN
shows the audience something that appears ordinary; the (1:45), 4:45, 7:30, 9:40 Santa Clause 3: The Escape
second part is called The Turn, where the magician makes shot. Stepping out of the darkness is…Borden! (more so Clause,
Borden's twin brother to be precise). He and his brother REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA Departed, The
the ordinary do something extraordinary; and finally, The Rated R, 2 hr 30 min Rated G, 1 hr 38 min
Prestige, where you see “something shocking you've never have been masquerading as one person their entire magi- 3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. (1:00), (2:00), (3:20), (4:30),
cal career, one in love with his wife, the other with the assis- (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 10:00
seen before.” tant, and they would trade places during the Transported Departed, The (5:45), 7:00, 8:10, 9:30, 10:30
Cut to 1887 in Victorian London, where young magi- Employee of the Month
cians Alfred Borden (Christian Bale) and Robert Angier Man trick, the other donning the garb of the shadowy Rated R, 2 hr 30 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 43 min Saw III
(Hugh Jackman) are assisting Angier's young wife perform Fallon. In the end, Borden loses his wife, his mistress, and (1:25), (5:00), 8:30 (1:30), 4:15, 7:10, 9:35 Rated R, 1 hr 47 min
his brother, but is reunited with his daughter as a result of (1:55), (2:35), (4:25), (5:10), 6:55,
a bound, underwater escape from a locked water torture his secrets and feud with Angier. Angier lost his wife, mis- Flags of Our Fathers Flicka
cell as a part of Milton the Magician's magic show. Borden Rated R, 2 hr 12 min 7:40, 9:25, 10:10
believes a different knot would be more beneficial for the tress, and killed countless clones of himself, and in the end Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
lost his own life as a result of his obsession. (1:10), (4:10), 7:10, 10:00 (1:30), 4:15, 7:00, 9:30
act and the young lady agrees. When the time comes for The Prestige has many more twists and turns than list-
PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8
her to slip her knot she fails to do so and inadvertently One Night With the King Flyboys 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington
drowns. Angier is furious, believing Borden cost him his ed above, and represents another solid offering from direc- Rated PG, 2 hr 3 min
tor Christopher Nolan (Batman Begins, Memento). Rated PG-13, 2 hr 19 min
wife's life, and as the show ends, both magicians head their (1:20), (4:20), 7:05, 9:40 (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 10:00 Departed, The
separate ways to seek their fortunes in the world of enter- The Prestige (2006) starring Hugh Jackman, Christian Open Season Rated R, 2 hr 30 min
tainment. Borden assumes the moniker of “The Professor,” Gridiron Gang (12:50), 4:10, 8:00
Bale, Michael Caine, David Bowie and Scarlett Johansson Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min Rated PG-13, 2 hr 0 min
and Angier titles himself “The Great Danton” as they begin is directed by Christopher Nolan and rated PG-13 for vio- (1:40), (4:40), 7:25, 9:50
their professional rivalry. (1:45), 4:30, 7:25, 10:00 Flicka
Some time passes and Borden is performing a dan- lence and disturbing images.
Prestige, The Jackass: Number Two Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
gerous “Bullet catch” trick wherein he pretends to catch a OPENING WIDE RELEASE THIS WEEK: Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min Rated R, 1 hr 35 min
bullet, however the patron who holds the gun turns out to IN (1:20), 4:20, 7:20, 10:05
(1:15), (4:15), 7:20, 10:10 (1:45), 4:00, 7:30, 9:40
be none other than a disheveled Angier himself, deter- Casino Royale
mined to get revenge on Borden for killing his wife. Before Saw III Jet Li's Fearless Flushed Away
he can shoot Borden though, a shadowy man named Synopsis: James Bond returns in a revamped version of Rated R, 1 hr 47 min Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min
his origin as a “00” agent. Rated PG-13, 1 hr 43 min
Fallon (whom Borden has hired as an assistant) steps up (1:00), (1:30), (4:00), (4:25), 7:00, (1:30), 4:10, 7:30, 9:50 (12:40), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30
and deflects the shot so that it only injures Borden's hand. Prediction: Controversial at first, lets hope this installment 7:30, 9:45, 10:15
Now Borden (having lost two fingers from the gunshot breathes new life into the aging franchise. Love's Abiding Joy Grudge 2, The
wound) has a grievance as well, so when Angier is begin- CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA Rated PG Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min
ning his next performance, Borden sabotages it. Happy Feet (1:00), 4:45, 7:40, 9:40 (1:40), 4:30, 7:40, 10:10
Synopsis: Cute animated tale about a penguin who is a 5320 Forest Drive.
Borden premiers a new trick soon after called “The better dancer than singer.
Transported Man” which is remarkable in its simplicity. Two Catch a Fire Marie Antoinette Marine, The
identical boxes are set up across the stage from each Prediction: Everyone knows penguins are so hot right now. Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 38 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 33 min
other. Borden bounces a rubber ball toward the other, (1:45), (4:30), 7:15, 9:3 (1:40), 4:20, 7:05, 9:50 (1:30), 4:50, 7:50, 10:15
steps back into the box, and shuts the door, then appears Let's Go to Prison
out of the box across the stage to reach out and catch the Synopsis: A criminal gets his revenge when the son of his One Night With the King
convicting judge is incarcerated with him. Employee of the Month Rated PG, 2 hr 3 min Open Season
ball instantaneously. Angier's trick designer, Cutter Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
(Michael Caine), tells him it must be a body double. Angier Prediction: Looks funny, yet there are only so many prison Rated PG-13, 1 hr 43 min (1:15), 4:10, 7:15, 9:50
refuses to believe this and as his fascination with Borden's jokes. (1:30), (4:15), 7:00, 9:30 (1:10), (3:40), 6:50, 9:40
Open Season
trick turns into an obsession he sends his beautiful young Also Playing This Week: Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
assistant Olivia to discover the secret. She in turn falls in Flicka Santa Clause 3: The Escape
love with Borden and he begins an affair-much to his wife's Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min (1:15), 4:15, 7:30, 9:35 Clause, The
dismay. Olivia returns with Borden's diary, written in code, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit (1:30), (4:15), 7:00, 9:30 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Rated G, 1 hr 38 min
that she says holds the secrets to all his tricks. Angier and Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan √ Man's Chest (12:30), 4:40, 7:30, 9:50
Cutter then kidnap Borden's assistant Fallon and ransom Synopsis: Borat takes on America in his first feature film.
Verdict: I like! Great a success! Other movies, not-a-so Flushed Away Rated PG-13, 2 hr 31 min
him for the cipher to decode the diary. Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min (1:30), 4:30, 8:00 Saw III
The key to Borden's code is TESLA, so Angier travels much… Rated R, 1 hr 47 min
(1:00), (3:05), (5:10), 7:15, 9:20 Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The
to the United States to find the electrician and famed rival Catch a Fire √ Buy Tickets: (1:00), (3:50), 7:10,
of Thomas Edison. Nikkolai Tesla (David Bowie) agrees to Beginning 10:00
create a teleportation machine for Angier. He is success- Synopsis: An ordinary man becomes a fighter against Grudge 2, The Rated R, 1 hr 24 min
ful, although there is one side affect-when teleporting the apartheid in South Africa. Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min (1:45), 4:45, 7:40, 10:00
Verdict: Great film, yet could be so much more… (1:30), (4:15), 7:10, 9:40 The Big Mo Drive In
object or person, a duplicate or doppelganger of the origi- 5822 Columbia Highway North,
nal is created. The Departed √ COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS Monetta SC (803)685-7949
And now, <Spoiler Alert!> Guardian, The 1250 Bower Parkway
Angier returns to London and begins his new show Synopsis: An undercover cop and criminal informer race to Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min
discover each other's identity. Screen 1 Santa Clause 3
wherein Tesla's machine teleports him to the top of the the- Verdict: Love or hate the ending, this is the first great (1:00), (4:00), 7:00, 10:00 Borat: Cultural Learnings of The Prestige
ater, instead of merely across the stage. A trap door opens movie this fall. America for Make Benefit Glorious
on the stage and the original Angier falls into a locked water Illusionist, The Nation of Kazakhstan
chamber where he drowns. His duplicate then continues Screen 2
Flags of Our Fathers √ Rated PG-13, 1 hr 50 min Rated R, 1 hr 24 min Flushed Away
the show. Borden, poking around, tries to save the drown- Synopsis: Clint Eastwood directs the story of the soldiers (1:20), (4:30), 7:30, 9:50 (12:45), (3:00), (5:15), 7:30, 9:45
ing Angier but is too late. He is then framed for Angier's Flags of Our Fathers
murder and sentenced to hang. at Iwo Jima immortalized in the famous photograph.
Once in prison, a certain Lord Caldlow proposes to Verdict: Clint Eastwood has been doing this movie thing
buy all of Borden's secrets before his death and take his long enough no, so of course it's good. NOVEMBER 9, 2006 21
 Golf pro gone hobo Bum of the Week
Savage
Love
Fact: In less time than it takes to order two cheese- area who would do anything for a college student who
burgers from the Five Points diner at 1:55 a.m., down a had “that cheese,” or maybe just enough cheddar for a
shot of whiskey at Jungle Jim's, walk around the block good early morning romp in the park. He also said he
through the park and back to the diner, City Paper can had no problem at all walking through the area this late
find the “Bum of the Week,” conduct the interview, and as long at City Paper was with him there wouldn't
receive a prostitution offer and have a knife waved in be any trouble on that end. Was it the 50-inch titanium
the face of their reporters. This is undisputable, and we 3-iron with the black rubber grip and angled metal head
have the tape to prove it. that was keeping him safe? Sure, he said, but so was SEX ADVICE COLUMN
“I'm about to get my dick sucked by some girl,” said the three-inch lock blade knife he whipped out ninja- BY DAN SAVAGE
the tall black man dragging a rolling suitcase behind style and stabbed through he air entirely too close for
him and using an old 3-iron as a walking stick as he comfort. I've been with my girlfriend for three years and we
hobbled down Santee Street in Five Points. Dressed in Around here, he said, “You can get your dick sucked often enjoy toe-curling sex. But in order for my girlfriend
a black old-school USC Track jacket (the jacket is older and your ass sucked. No bullshit.” to enjoy it, she needs to smoke pot. We've tried sober
than he is) and wearing gold-rimmed glasses and a Fair enough. sex, but it's lukewarm and she doesn't come. Should we
floppy knit hat and gloves, the man calling himself In fact, for the right money, you could even buy the be worried about her needing this crutch?
Johnny said the only problem is that what he's looking clothes off Johnny's back; like the wool knit hat that -Pretty Reliant On Pot
for at 2 a.m., the morning of Election Day in Martin seems to fit him so nicely: “If you got the money you
Luther King, Jr. Park, is going to cost him some money. can buy it right now.” Google "marijuana," PROP, and wedged in there
“Gotta have that cheese,” he said. Johnny also said he's known around Five Points and with the stories about this week's numerous, ineffectual
Excuse me? stays in a boarding house nearby. Ask anyone down pot busts-so many pot busts, so little trouble buying pot-
“If you go to USC then where the rocket science at?” here, he said, and they'd tell you they've seen him you'll find this: A study conducted by the reputable
Um… dancing it up outside the clubs or playing a musical Scripps Research Institute in California found that mar-
. “If you ain't got no cheese then how the hell you instrument on the street. ijuana's active ingredient-tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC-
gonna get pleased?” he said. “God damn, boy!” A fan of soul food, Johnny said he loves to make is more effective at preventing Alzheimer's disease than
A-ha. Gotcha. some homemade macaroni and cheese and collard any of the legal drugs on the market today. (It may be
Johnny is hard to understand and when he speaks the greens when he can. But not tonight. Tonight he has too late to save Ronald Reagan, but anyone out there
words seem to get jumbled up in his mouth and fall out something more important on his mind. who wants to avoid his diapered fate would be well
all together like bag of spilled marbles. In a very round- “I'm fit to home,” he said. “I'm fit to go home and bust advised to smoke up.)
about way, he said he knew a girl or few around the my nut off…whatever it costs.” And now it looks like we should add "helps at least
one woman out there achieve orgasm" to pot's ever-
expanding list of beneficial effects. As that is the case, I
would encourage you to regard marijuana with a little
less suspicion and a little more gratitude. Look at it this
way: If you wind up marrying this woman and spending
the rest of your life with her, your wife will never have to
fake an orgasm and she'll always know who you are.
It's not every week that I find myself in front of the
computer jumping up and down yelling "Yes! Yes! Thank
you!" But your advice to GREEN, whose boyfriend is a
controlling jackass, was so right-on I couldn't control
myself.
I had a boyfriend in college who pulled the same
crap on me. Particularly the moody silent treatment
Edited by Will Shortz No. 0324 when I glanced at another guy. Dan, you did not paint
ACROSS 26 Result of a 43 Dog with a 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 too bleak a picture. My ex turned me into a nervous
1 World’s longest quick revolution bone, maybe wreck. It was like living in a minefield, never knowing
10 11 12 13
wooden roller 27 Sunder 44 Needles follow when some unintentional misstep would cause an
coaster, with 28 Place for I, O one
“The”
14 15 explosion. I finally DTMFA, but not before doing serious
or U 47 Fashionable
6 Needle problem 31 Without wear 16 17 18
damage to some longstanding friendships.
10 W.W. I air ace, aforethought 48 Lead-in to date
GREEN, dumping the bastard will accomplish two
e.g. 32 Cut-up or trap
19 20 21
things: It will give him the opportunity to learn that he
14 “It’s just 33 Popular New 49 Looie’s saluter 22 23 24 can't treat people like shit and it will give you the oppor-
between us” York City daily tunity to build up your self-respect. You will look back
16 Gymwear 35 “The sun,” in 25 26 27
17 Lackawanna’s
DOWN years from now, from the comfort of a happy and mutu-
33-Across
lake 36 Jours ___
1 Just what is 28 29 30 ally respectful relationship, and be very grateful that you
18 It opens in needed DTMFA'd that guy.
(carnival days): 31 32 33 34
Sept. Fr. 2 Mercedes-Benz -Girl Got Out
19 Dentist’s request 37 Fictional Jane
sedan 35 36 37
20 One may be 38 Cousin of a 3 Take ___
under (scram) 38 39 40 Regarding GREEN: First bad advice ever.
spoonbill
development 4 Parks in a pew Ten Year Reader
39 ___ Trammell, 41 42 43
21 Great Trek 1984 World 5 Shell contents
trekker Series M.V.P. 6 Girl, in song, 44 45 46 My advice to GREEN: Best ever, or totally suck-
22 Secures 40 Heroine of “way down shit? An absolutely massive sampling of the mail-includ-
47
23 Like some craft Menotti’s opera yonder in the ing lots of letters from men who were involved with
show displays “The Consul” paw-paw patch”
24 Spirit that’s 41 “Just the 7 Support for a
48 49
women who used jealousy as a weapon-can be read at
willing? opposite!” proposal Puzzle by Manny Nosowsky www.thestranger.com/savage/green
25 #1 on Air Force 42 Response to a 8 Business mag 21 “Neighbours” 30 Corleone 40 Less apt to
One brother? 9 Cleanliness, airer, with “the” portrayer speak
e.g. 23 Shout before 31 Freshen, as a
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 10 Library throwing a stamp pad 42 Slaving away
B I N G L A R U E S L A B supporter, rope 34 Thirst
maybe 24 Pleased 43 Tijuana locale
A M O R I R O N Y P A L E 36 Mercury 6
B A R R I N G T H E R A I S E 11 Kitchen fixture 26 Heir lines? occupant
45 Literary
A X E O D O T E R R O R 12 Leader of the 27 Shopping sites: 37 Wildlife ID monogram
A O N E S T O A T Pacemakers in Abbr. 39 Commodore
B U C K I N G T H E P A S S 60’s pop 29 P’s computer 46 7, on a phone
A Z T E C R O R Y S W I G 13 Get commands
I B I D P E K O E X E N O 14 “Hamlet” courtier
L E O S A W I N S M E A R For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a
15 U.S. ___, credit card, 1-800-814-5554.
K N O T T I N G T H E T I E
known in New Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday
B O I N G W O N T Hampshire as crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
B E A T L E S E W H A S the Daniel Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
I S S U I N G T H E S K I R T Webster past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year).
L A S S C A R E D I N C A Highway Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young
L U T E E M I L Y A G O G 20 Infecund solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.

22 NOVEMBER 9, 2006
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Jerry after 6 pm. Call 783-3197 or spos-
sum812@aol.com
NEWLY REMODELED
Real Estate
3 bdrms, 2 bths Brick Ranch. Must See
Master Suite with Private Deck. KelPat
Realty Julia Brown 803 237-1825
ROSEWOOD 3 BD,
2BA; fr porch, vaulted ceiling, gas fire-
place, tile/carpet, $995/mo. 2 yrs. old.
No pets. 256-0068
ROOM IN HISTORIC HOUSE
Furnished room and private bath in huge
historic house by Columbia College.
$300/month - utilities included. Mature
NSF preferred. Call 738-0756
DOWNTOWN USC $180'S.
Historic district, basement, 2 full bath.
Sylvia @ 699-2233 RE Partners.
ColumbiaHomes4Sale.com
NORTHEAST 2BD/2.5BA TOWN-
HOUSE.
Includes cable, alarm, & water.
$700/mo. Call 803-240-0417
NORTHEAST 2BD/2.5BA TOWN-
HOUSE.
Includes cable, alarm, & water.
$700/mo. Call 803-240-0417
SHANDON $1200/MO. NEW
furnished corporate condo. Janis @
699-2233 RE Partners. columbia-
homes4sale.com
Employment
SUPPER THYME USA
is seeking dishwasher. Tues., Thurs., &
Sat. $6-$7/hour. Call to inquire 803-732-
6878.
CABINET INSTALLERS NEEDED
for FT construction company. DT & DL
required. Call 803-454-0340.
DOWNTOWN CAFE NOW
hiring for KITCHEN, COUNTER, &
BICYCLE DELIVERY. Great hours. M-F
days, no weekends, no nights. Apply @
Fat Cat Cafe 1202 Sumter St.
UPSCALE SALON & SPA Hiring Exp FT
& PT Hair Stylist & Nail Techs Call 254-
4055 medical & 401k available
HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER
in need of yoga instructors, acupunc-
ture, & other holistic practitioners.
Please call 803-920-0339.
CAR FOR SALE 1997 Ford Escort
Sport,142K,pd,pw,at,radio,ac, good con-
dition,very clean car,$1650,Call Cem
803-795-7849
Automotive 1987 Ford Ranger Pickup. Vin#
IFTBR10A3HUA04433. 68,000 miles on
'00 TOYOTA COROLLA
ODO. Forrest Green Color. Runs very
Sedan. Auto trans., AM-FM/CD, power
well: new plugs (old ones were clean),
windows and locks & more! $4977. Dick
new shocks, all new front end parts. This
Dyer Toyota 803-786-4111
is an excellent work truck. My driver lost
'01 MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE
GT. 5 speed, leather, sunroof, pwr.
his license so the truck doesn't get much
use, but it never fails to start right up! 4
cyl gets 20mpg!$2,000 obo...
wind/locks, cruise. $8999. 5 Star
Call Gary @ 803-767-7044
Automotive 799-0050.
email: searchassociates@msn.com for
'96 HONDA ACCORD
pics
LX. 4 door, auto trans., power
wind/locks, cruise, AM-FM/CD. $4996. 5
1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo. Vin
Star Automotive 799-0050
1J4GZ58SOSC627865. Forrest Green.
'92 CADILLAC SEVILLE.
180,000 miles. Nice ride! Interior clean -
Leather, sunroof, pwr. wind/locks. $875
shows little wear. Light paint oxidation
down or $270/mo. *Financing Available*
on right hood, fender and door. 20mpg
Call B & L Auto Sales 755-9148
on the road and 15-18 in town. Class III
towing package. Uses 1qt of oil in 6,000
2000 HARLEY DAVIDSON FXDWG
miles. Very reliable and will get you there
This is THE bike. Black and yellow with
and back as fast as you want to go!
tons of chrome, Vance and Hines
$3000 obo
exhaust, with removable windshield.
Call Gary @ 803-767-7044
This is the prettiest bike on the road
today. Less than 13k miles. Check it out
This is a 2006 Black Chevy Equinox. It is
at www.freewebs.com/myfxdwg.
in GREAT condition and never been
$12,500 obo. Call Travis at 803-920-
smoked in. It is extra clean with 8,400
2659.
miles. It has one owner and taken well
care of. This is a wonderful car for any
1998 Mazda 626. Already bought a new
type of family and a lot of interior room.
car just looking to get rid of as quick as
It has a gray interior with cloth seats. It
possible. 107000 miles, automatic
has power locks, windows, extra lug-
trans., no major accidents and no dam-
gage rack, alloy wheels, matching mir-
age in the interior or exterior of car.
rors (not plastic), fog lights, cruise con-
Dustin Keith
trol, traction control, and much more.
803-2534160 ext 258
Contact 803.609.2108
NOVEMBER 9, 2006 23