Contents

citypaper August 30, 2006

INSIDE August 30 - September 14, 2006 Volume 1, Issue 24

COVER STORY 701 Gervais Street

Suite 150-218
16 Baumer Columbia, SC 29201
803.446.3458

Columbia’s Baumer Re-releases debut Publisher

Paul F. Blake
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Managing Editor
5 Todd Morehead

4 803-740-9090

NEWS, POLITICS & COMMENTARY todd@columbiacitypaper.com

News Editor
Corey Hutchins
4 Letters To the Reader Whatsa’ matta, ya mook? 803-261-6874
5 Talkback The people’s need corey@columbiacitypaper.com

6 Mr. Meaner’s Crime Watch Mmm, mmm, crack Design

7 State House Report Orangeburg’s S.C. State smells like roses Jacky Schuler

8 Tommy Moore Interview No time for Madden `07 Iraq Correspondent

9 Ted Rall Afghaniscam David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
10 The Good Fight The hypocracy of the Republican party
Movies
Deric Kempsell

Angry Whale
8
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Sean Rayford
theangrywhale@columbiacitypaper.com

General Sales Manager

11 College Secrets What students really need to know A. J. Taylor
803.446.3458
15 Soundboard aj@columbiacitypaper.com
16 The Angry Whale Account Executives
18 Bum of the Week Andie Evans
19 Deric Spoils The Movie: Idlewood andie@columbiacitypaper.com
19 Movie Times Laura Brown
20 Jonesin’ Crosswords laura@columbiacitypaper.com
20 Gov. Sanford’s Horoscopes City Paper Bartender
21 Satan Goes to the Dry Cleaners Nick Johnson
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22 New York Times Crossword 803-446-3458
22 Savage Love Contributors Polly Baker, Andy Brack, Max
23 Really Free Classifieds Cannon, Joe Fotalatte, Hick’ry Hawkins, Matt
Jones, Deric Kempsell, David Martin, Aaron
McGruder, Ted Rall, Sean Rayford, Sarah Mad-
18 Comics Alternative cartoons: Perry Bible Fellowship (p.3)
docks, Dan Savage, Jacky Schuler, Cathy War-
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Letters citypaper August 30, 2006

Letters To The Reader

Dear Self Righteous Yankees, their jobs well. So get over whatever you recently visited Afghanistan and You Can Walk Can’t You?” statute.
Some of you just moved to USC and happened in gym class or Catholic met with leaders to encourage them We also feel that the handicapped
sometimes that comes with an “I’m grammar school, and start treating the to adopt a new system of law and should be made to pay a $200 fine
better than you” attitude towards taxpayers and the City of Columbia government. Hey, uh, while you’re in for parking in spaces allotted for the
anyone who has a southern drawl. with a little respect. If you can’t handle the mood to fight Third World suffering, non-handicapped. Those who agree
You’ll claim fast food takes longer at the power you get when you put on that ya think maybe you change the similar should contact your local legislator
drive thru’s and you’ll blame everything meter maid’s uniform, consider wearing conditions off the I-95 corridor in your immediately.
that doesn’t go your way on the South. a nun’s outfit and bringing a ruler on home state? Columbia City Paper
You’ll come to find out that it’s just your next patrol. Columbia City Paper
Sonic that sucks at 2 a.m. (as well as Columbia City Paper
your attitude). Whatsa’ matta’, you ain’t Dear Health Nut Girlfriends,
used to people bein’ polite, ya mook?
Don’t worry, you’ll discover eclectic
Dear Honeycombs,
You will be missed. We all fondly
While counting and commenting
on every single calorie of every The Five Points
Five Points, the thriving and educated
business community, and maybe one
remember the sound of your freshman
occupants shrieking obscenities at
single bit of food or drink that
passes between your man’s Book Shop
day you’ll connect with a redneck each other from opposing balconies like lips, please consider that a
whom you’ll discover isn’t that different feuding apes. Passersby will also miss hyperactive 170 lb. male has
from you at all. running the gauntlet near Moore, where different nutritional needs than a
Columbia City Paper one could be anonymously pelted by 102 lb. teeny lady. Please. We’re
unopened soda cans or peed upon by all starving. No, sweetheart, you
Dear Drinkers, some dweeb aiming through the lattice can eat a dry salad with a glass of
For the next three weeks there will be on the 6th floor. But, perhaps your lemon water for dinner. ‘Think I’ll
a special mobile unit located discreetly personal touches will be missed most, head out back and start grilling
in Five Points for breathalyzer testing. like the “Roof Access” sign in Snowden the pets for protein.
It’s like having a drive thru for DUI’s and that someone changed to read “Roofies Columbia City Paper
drunken disorderlys. They’ll process Sex.” Adieu, Honeycombs. R.I.P.
you on the spot and transport groups Columbia City Paper Dear Fake Handicapped,
to Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center. We’re sick of seeing you people
Don’t worry, after the city raises some Dear Hippies, park your cars in handicapped
revenue for failed construction projects What the heck is going on over at parking spaces only to get out
during their “Welcome Back Operation,” The Grow? The new paint job is cool, and sashay into the building 10% off with student I.D.
the ratio of hobos to police will return to though. Kind of like something you’d without even a visible limp. We We have 10,000+ Quality
the regular 20-1. In three weeks you’ll see on the side of a van that’s parked propose that handicapped permit
be able to party like a college student out front of a Partridge Family show in fraud could be “cut in half,” so to Used & Out- Of-Print Books
once again. the ‘70s. The painted bubbles work, but speak, by implementing a new
Columbia City Paper we can go ahead and tell you that if you “Three Limb” law. This law will
plan to paint a unicorn, it’ll clash with require a handicapped permit
Dear older meter maid, the Hulk. holder to have no more than two
Some merchants in Five Points are Columbia City Paper (2) arms and legs or vice versa
referring to you, the white haired older
lady as the “Ticket Nazi”. Try not to Dear (Col.) Lindsay Graham,
OR three (3) arms and no legs
respectively. Individuals suffering 718 Santee Avenue
march like a soldier. And, it wouldn’t kill It’s pretty cool that you are the only
you to be polite to people on the streets. U.S. Senator currently on active duty
from blindness, deafness, and
those with mild paralysis will
803.799.7182
drbooks@infionline.net
The other meter maids in the area are in a branch of the military. I guess it be considered on a case-by- www.abebooks.com/home/DRBOOKS9
respectful to those they ticket and do is still don’t ask, don’t tell. We heard case basis under the new “Well

Perry Bible Fellowship by Nick Gurewitch

 News citypaper August 30, 2006

Talkback! talkback@columbiacitypaper.com a perfect earth

she has accepted the inhabitants of the

world
parasites to lizards
dinosaurs to mammals
spread her seed so that chlorophyll grows

with the moon as her companion

and the strength of the sun
is the vessel we call home

what does she do

magma and ice obliterate
the dinosaur

how long are we able

to
despoil her air
choke her land
pollute her rivers
we have invested so much
in taking her blood to power our
suvs
that we are engraving our own tomb
with the carcinogenic byproduct

how long until like the agent in matrix

we realize
we are the disease

Cleaning
the virus
the plague

and a perfect earth

Contractors
that has seen us so sentient
so helpful
so alive

though with such small minds

cannot see beyond this land
as a territory to pee on
be a killing ground

the sacred diligence

in professing whatever
one true god only binds us
in our own destruction Bonded
Insured
and a perfect earth
brings forth her currents
everyday of
air
water
sky
soil
as us the supposed stewards
References
of the land

squander the gift she has given

us

will the next evolution

rape our graves to power a new machina-
tion

time will evidence Your high end

plague
or magma
that will claim us
business or
the new
dinosaurs
home deserves
j. m. starino the finer
Poetry, Music, Storytelling contin-
ues for the month of September touch and care
from AbFab
with Phoenix Tongue Road Show
at the Artists’ Basement with
The Boondocks By Aaron McGruder
Kimberly Simms as our feature
September 13. She will be read-
ing from her manuscript: Lindy
Lee: Songs on Mill Hill. Open Mic
begins at 8.
Phoenix Tongue at The Red Tub of-
Call for a free
fers Open Mic with surprise guests
on September 6, 20, and 27 begin- estimate
ning at 8. During feature events
Donations are gladly accepted. 803-407-7667
This is a paid advertisement by
John Starino to help support the
arts scene
News
29063
A 39-year-old white lady was issued a
citation for leaving her small dog in the
car for 45 minutes while at the dentist. In
August, are you kidding us? I say, next
time you get caught doing this, instead
of a citation, they wrap you up in tinfoil
and cram you into an industrial sized
microwave just to “see what happens,”
300 block Harbison Blvd.
29201
Police arrested a 46-year-old hobo for
boozing it up in the back of the Columbia
Transit Station. The well-drunk wino was
sipping his sauce from a bottle inside of a
brown bag— the telltale sign of a boozing
bum. Hardcore investigation by police
confirmed the bottle to be a 40-ounce
King Cobra “beer,” although any self-
respecting convenient store connoisseur
will tell you King Cobra is, of course, a
malt liquor, 1700 Sumter Street
29201
A store clerk at the Market Express told
the five-oh someone came in and swiped a
pack of Pall Malls from behind the register.
When the cops showed up, the cigarette
snatcher said they’d better get out of his
face or he’d spit on them. Police also said
the incident caused such a scene that
customers quit queuing to come out and
watch, 1000 block Elmwood Ave.
29201
After hearing very loud music blaring from
a parked car, an officer found the driver
slumped over the steering wheel and
refusing to wake up. The cop called the
EMS who were able to rouse the 38-year-
old sleeper from his sacked out slumber,
however, he could barley stand when they
pulled him out of the car. Turns out the guy
was drunk, stoned and ready for jail, 3200
block Farron Road
29201
Cops found another drunken hobo “passed
out on the floor” of an unsecured dwelling
in Columbia this week. The reporting
officer noted while communicating with
the subject, the vagrant had slurred
speech, was unsteady on his feet and
smelled like liquor. He was taken to jail
for an apparently more “secure” housing
situation than a refrigerator box, 700 block
Wilkes Road
29201
Cops busted a 47-year-old crackhead this
week while he was walking away from a
vehicle that had just been burglarized. The
reporting officer said he asked the man if
he could search him, but the guy said no.
Instead, the officer frisked him and found
a large Brillow pad in the left pocket of his
cargo pants. Brillow pads, often used as
filters for rock smoking, are a telltale sign
of a Columbia crackhead. This one was
arrested for possession of it and sent to
the slammer, 1000 block Harden Street
ZIP OF THE WEEK 29203: CAT FIGHT!
Two twin sisters, 19, were slapping each other in the face
and rolling around on the ground until bystanders broke
it up. And we want the video, 500 block Alcott Drive
29201
College is back in session: After pulling
over a driver for not wearing his seatbelt,
an officer caught a big whiff of the skunky
good stuff as he approached the window.
The smell, he said, was coming from the
passenger-side compartment. A search
also brought up a pipe and some dope,
3600 block Main Street
29201
HOBO CRACKDOWN: Cops kicked out
three more members of the Columbia
homeless community for snoozing in the
park after hours, 900 block Laurel Street
29201
Columbia Police also busted a man for
“loitering for the purpose of drugs” on the
same street the state Attorney General
lives on. Again, 2100 block Senate Street
29201
COLLEGE RULES: A police officer noticed
a “visibly young” girl getting liquored up
at Jungle Jim’s in Five Points. When the
officer asked to see some ID, the girl, 19,
showed one that was clearly not hers. The
girl was piss drunk and ended up in jail that
night and we’re sure her parent’s loved
getting that phone call before classes
even started 700 block Harden Street
29201
Cancel that midnight stroll: Cops noticed
a man with a large kitchen knife creepily
crouching down along the wood line of
a main road this week in Columbia, 500
block Elmwood Ave.
29201
A woman said a pervert followed her for a
while before finally yanking out his ding-
a-ling and making damn sure she saw it.
Now, mission accomplished, this creep
can crawl his way back to Pee Wee’s
Playhouse, 1000 block Northwood Street
29203
Some redneck banged up his girlfriend
this week, punching her in the mouth,
nose and right eye. This Neanderthal then
grabbed her by her hair and smacked her
around some more before EMS showed
up, 6000 block Bailey Street
29203
CAT FIGHT: Two twin sisters, 19, were
slapping each other in the face and rolling
around on the ground until bystanders
broke it up. And we want the video, 500
block Alcott Drive
29203
The KFC was robbed at gunpoint and $850
was stolen. We’re sure Col. Sanders is still
a big supporter of the Second Amendment
though 3500 block North Main Street
29204
If you’re driving with a suspended license
for the FIFTH time, you’d think you’d smart
enough to at least wear a seatbelt. But not
this 24-year-old bozo from Columbia who
apparently missed the memo on this “new”
seatbelt law, 2200 block Waverly Street
29204
A man in a white T-shirt reportedly fired
six shots into the air from a handgun after
a verbal dispute with a group of people.
What goes up, must come down clown!
citypaper August 30, 2006 
2000 block Center Street
29205
COP TALK: An Aug. 21 police report about
a criminal domestic violence incident reads
that a woman was smacked in the face by
her boyfriend who “used a open hand but
smacked her with a force.” He’ll probably
apologize, buy her something nice, and
then do it all over again. That’s the cycle
of the abuse so get the hell out of there
girlfriend, 1500 block Garden Plaza
29205
Short Changed: Someone reportedly
walked into the Corner Pantry on Aug.
21, started bitching, pitched a fit and then
threw a handful of coins into the face of a
store clerk. The clerk’s face had a higher
return rate than Coinstar. 6500 block
Garners Ferry Road
29205
Man’s best friend saves the day: A 32-
year-old woman told police she was sitting
in her kitchen when a man broke into her
house. Luckily her dog was also in the
house and the canine chomped down the
would-be burglar’s leg causing him to high
tail it out of there. Time for some treats,
1300 block South Kilbourne Rd.
29205
Really riveting video surveillance footage
of the Rosewood Dollar Tree this week
shows an unknown woman entering the
store empty handed and leaving with
nearly $30 of merchandise (mostly baby
supplies) stuffed in a pillowcase, 2000
block Rosewood Drove
29206
While in Five Points, police say a 42-
year-old man was struck in the back with
an unknown object and knocked to the
ground. He was then hit in the face with a
chair and kicked repeatedly before he was
robbed. Welcome to the newly renovated
Five Points, 400 block Saluda Street
29210
Another man said he was robbed while
in the parking lot of Embassy Suites. He
said a man with a weapon demanded his
wallet and got away with $120, 200 block
Stoneridge Drive
29212
A 44-year-old white guy was arrested
for stealing a pair of work gloves and
a pair of ignition pliers from SEARS in
the Columbiana Mall. The total of $30 in
merchandise stolen by this malicious mall
malcontent probably cost him a night in
jail, but…just think what he was probably
up to, 100 block Columbiana Cirlce
29212
A 16-year-old girl, along with a friend, was
arrested for stealing 11 Lacoste brand
shirts from Belk. No word on what sorority
she plans on pledging in the next two
years, but at least she’ll have the wardrobe
for it, 100 block Columbiana Circle
29223
While at the Sonic Drive Thru, a 32-year-
old woman was arrested after cops found
her passed out in her car with a bottle of
Green Apple Smirnoff vodka sitting on the
front passenger seat. The woman was
sacked out and slumped over the wheel,
3300 block Main Street
 citypaper August 30, 2006 

SC STATEHOUSE REPORT We Deliver N.Y. Style

S.C. State deserves national recognition Pizza To USC/Downtown!
By Andy Brack
higher than S.C.
It’s not State and its
everyday you 4,500 students.
learn your Hugine says 2800 Rosewood Dr.
school is ranked his historically Located at Publix
one of the top black college has Shopping Center
in the nation. a long tradition of
But that’s just working hard to
what happened change people’s MON-THUR
recently for Dr. lives. More than 11:30 - 10:30PM
Andrew Hugine, 70 percent of
president of S.C. the college’s FRI-SAT
State University students receive
in Orangeburg. Pell grants, 11:30 - 11:00PM
“To be among which go to
the top institutions in the country is just the neediest students. Despite their SUN
phenomenal,” he said in a phone interview. backgrounds, the school has a 53 percent 12:00 - 10:00PM
“We’re just jumping all over the place.” graduation - - twice what is predicted by
What he’s happy about is a new guide statistical models.
to the nation’s “On social
universities by mobility, we
Washington “At S.C. State University, do extremely
we are transforming minds
254-DANO
Monthly magazine well,” the
that rates S.C. president said.
State as its ninth
best
and transforming lives.”
university,
“At S.C. State
University, we
an accolade are transforming
that puts it in the same league as M.I.T., minds and transforming lives.”
Stanford and Cornell. Additionally, it creates an environment
And its 9th position makes it compare that fosters public service. The school, for
better than Yale (12th), Duke (23rd), Harvard example, has trained more minority military
(28th), Princeton (43rd), the University officers than any other college in the
of South Carolina (128th) and Clemson country since it started a ROTC program
(131st). more than 50 years ago. The program has
In its September issue, Washington generated more than 1,900 commissioned
Monthly includes its second annual college officers and counts a dozen generals
guide, a ranking system based on more among its graduates.
than academics, as is done in a popular In the past year, students and faculty
annual college ranking by U.S. News and members raised more than $40,000 to
World Report. fund a Habitat for Humanity home. Then
“The main thrust of the Monthly ratings they built it.
has to do with a full range of services - - the Other evidence of a dynamic institution
way the university helps prepare students that is preparing students to give back to
for careers in public service,” said Rebecca the country:
Siderbrand, a Monthly editor. • S.C. State is among the top in
Editors developed the new rating the country in granting minority
system because they thought a better degrees - - 4th in mathematics
picture needed to be developed to show (out of 2,443 higher education
how well colleges prepared students to institutions); 5th in biology; 18th in
benefit society. In the end, it came up with education; and 29th in computer
three major indicators: and information services. It is 31st
• Social mobility – how the college in the country in granting master’s
serves as an engine to help poorer degrees to minorities.
people prosper and move up in • It offers the only doctorate in
the world; education in the state.
• Research – how the college • It serves as a regional hub for
fosters scientific and humanistic science and math education.
research; and Bottom line: Washington Monthly got
• Public service – how the school S.C. State’s story right. It is a South
promotes an ethic of public service Carolina gem. Recognition for what it has
among students. been doing to prepare students to make
After it picked these indicators, it significant societal contributions is long
compiled a bunch of raw data, aggregated overdue.
it, developed a rating formula and plugged
it into a computer. Andy Brack, publisher of S.C. Statehouse
“The algorithm takes into account not Report, can be reached at: brack@
what your university does for you, but what statehousereport.com. View the rating
it does for the country,” Siderbrand said. story at: www.washingtonmonthly.com
When the final numbers were crunched,
only eight other national universities rated talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
8 News
The Tommy Moore Interview
Columbia City Paper has a candid
conversation with who may be
South Carolina’s next Governor
Less than three months before the Nov.
7 gubernatorial election, in a state notorious
for being one of the reddest in America,
you’d imagine the Democratic candidate for
governor would be preparing for a tough
battle. Not that our Palmetto state hasn’t
had a Democratic leader in recent past, it
has, but with most current state offices going
Republican and the rise of the “cowboy image”
in southern politics, one might believe a
candidate sporting blue and green campaign
colors would feel like the circular peg trying to
force itself into the square block.
But right now that is exactly not how
Senator Tommy Moore, the S.C. Democratic
nominee for governor, is thinking. And nor
are any of the folks breezing in and out of
his office at the South Carolina Democratic
Party’s headquarters in late August during
rush hour in Columbia.
As I waited in the lobby before my
interview, a young man wearing a blue tucked
in button up shirt, khakis and a tan palmetto-
tree-and-moon belt approached the front desk
and snatched up a handful of “Republican for
Tommy Moore” stickers.
“Do you have any more of these,” he
asked, adjusting his sunglasses equipped
with the standard issue matching croakies.
“They’ll go on cars. I’m afraid to admit
I have some Republican friends.”
“Sorry, that’s all we have,” the white
haired receptionist said, also noting how
surprised she was at how many people had
been asking for the stickers.
Originally our City Paper interview was
scheduled for Aug. 22, coincidentally the
exact same day Madden 2007 debuted
for video game systems, making it a near-
official national holiday for college students
and sports fans alike. Days before, however,
Moore’s spokeswoman, Karen Gutmann,
called to re-schedule. Naturally that lead
to the first question we had for the senator
from Aiken who in June won the Democratic
Party’s nominee for governor by 64 percent of
the vote and plans to beat incumbent Mark
Sanford in November.
Could the reason I was interviewing him
on Aug. 25 instead of Aug. 22 be because the
senator had spent that entire Tuesday playing
Xbox?
Unfortunately not.
“I can assure you on August the twenty-
second I was not playing [Madden 2007]. The
only box I was playing is this one right here,”
Moore said tapping the number pad of a black
office telephone on his desk.
While Gov. Mark Sanford’s camp
repeatedly said they would not take questions
from this publication, the 57-year-old, gray-
haired, stately-looking man with blue eyes
spread his arms wide and leaned back in his
chair.
“Ask away,” he said.
City Paper: What’s it like running a
Democratic campaign in one of the reddest
states in America right now?
TM: Well, you know, I think the results
talk ‘red state’ over the years…but I think
South Carolina more so is independent. This
state doesn’t register by party so I think what
you have to look at is the cross tabs and all
that business. When you break it down, the
vast majority of South Carolinians consider
themselves independent. So as a democratic
candidate for governor I think what I’ve done
is spent my entire legislative career appealing
to people from a bipartisan perspective
citypaper August 30, 2006
By Corey Hutchins
that is of you? increase the cigarette tax to use that money
TM: When you start trying to put labels to help subsidize small businesses and people
on someone I think it really is a disservice. to have health insurance. It is economically
Not only to the person but more importantly insane to not try to make some effort in that
to the voting public. I have differences of regard because if you get sick [and] you end
opinion on some social issues with folks on up in the emergency room, we’ll pay 10 times
either side. But in the cold light of day we can more in the emergency room than what we
have our religions beliefs; we can have our could have done for a primary care physician
social consciousness; but what you do is try to maybe recognize it, prevent it or treat it,
to make sure you do what’s best for all South rather than go to the emergency room. Again,
Carolinians and move forward. talking about social issues, if conscience
If someone wants to neatly label me on doesn’t move us on that then we’re all sure
anything then just have at it. But what I’ve economics certainly will.
done is tried to be mindful and very conscious City Paper: Right now Sanford’s camp
of decisions that affect all South Carolinians— refuses to answer any questions from us.
whether you’re talking about social issues, TM: Is that right?
whether you’re talking about economic City Paper: Yes. Just won’t do it. They
issues, or whether you’re talking about men say ‘Oh, I’m sorry we’re not talking to you
and women’s livelihood. I understand that. guys.’
And I think after 28 years the voting record TM: Well that’s the same governor who
speaks strongly that I’ve been in favor of says ‘sunshine is the best disinfectant.’
helping people. But I don’t mind discussing Maybe that disinfectant is for everybody else
any social issue. but not them.
that— sure you can have your philosophical City Paper: If I get sick I end up paying City Paper: If, when, you become
opinions and differences— but at the end of high costs for medicine and doctor’s bills. governor…
the day you’ve got to move South Carolina Because I don’t have health insurance… TM: Yes, sir…
forward. You take everybody’s ideas; you get TM: Well, guess what, you and over City Paper: You’ll talk to us, right?
the best of the ideas, you forge a compromise 800,000 other South Carolinians. And TM: Absolutely. Absolutely, and you
and do what’s best for South Carolina. Not what’s confusing out there and what is so know what? We’ll agree to disagree on a
be entrenched in an ideology that says ‘my misrepresented is when you start talking about certain issue and I’ll take my lumps and, you
way or no way.’ We’ve had four years of that people who don’t have health insurance a lot know, if somebody wants to take a difference
anyway. of people think it’s just the very poor. But the of opinion I think that’s the beauty of it, that’s
City Paper: It seems Gov. Sanford has middle class, and I consider myself middle why I enjoy being a Democrat. You know
started a negative campaign against you. class, there’s quite a number of people out the Democrats, like Will Rogers said, I’m
Would you care to talk a little about that? there who don’t have insurance. not a member of any organized party, I’m a
TM: Well, I read the stuff… it was basically Look, in South Carolina… only 20 percent Democrat.
talking about my ethics. I mean I chaired the [of small businesses] offer health insurance to talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
ethics conference committee that wrote the their employees. What I’ve done is tried to
toughest legislation in America at the time, recognize that we have got to have emphasis
which basically says ‘no cup of coffee (from on affordable and accessible healthcare.
a lobbyist), not even a cup of coffee.’ I didn’t I sponsored an amendment this year to
have to say very much [about the attack
from Sanford], I think when (Republican
majority leader of the senate) Harvey Peeler,
Republican Senator Larry Martin, Republican
Senator John Hawkins said it was untrue,
unfounded, over the line… they defended me
as one of the most honest guys there.
So I think basically what it did was
backfired on [Sanford’s] little political games
and gimmickry. I think they’re shortchanging
South Carolina citizens tremendously thinking
they’re not wise enough and smart enough to
see through this.
When you’re desperate you‘ll try
desperate motions and desperate acts.
Being negative…when you can’t defend,
when you have a nothing governor, when
you can’t defend ravaging public education,
higher education tuition steadily climbing…
when you’re number two in the nation in
unemployment, you can’t talk the issues so
you’ve got to be negative.
City Paper: Do you think it’s a sign that
he’s on the ropes?
TM: I smell fear, I’ll tell you that.
City Paper: I almost didn’t want to bring
it up but he’s obviously tried to tie your name
in with Operation Lost Trust… at least to the
voters anyway.
TM: I would commend anyone to speak
with the attorneys in the district attorney’s
office and anyone who had any credible
knowledge or didn’t have a bias before and
wanted to know the facts. It won’t wash.
It absolutely will not wash. It reminds me
of somebody running for a high school
presidency, playing games with people. It’s
immaturity at its worst.
City Paper: I’d consider that straw man
logic
TM: [Laughing] OK, straw man logic; I
said straw man logic.
City Paper: I’ve heard privately that you
may consider yourself a social conservative.
How accurate a description would you say
 Ted Rall Column & Cartoon citypaper August 30, 2006 9
EDITORIAL By Pulitzer Prize finalist Ted Rall
TAKING OUR BRAIN OFF THE BALL
Democrats Flunk Wartime IQ Test
The war against
Afghanistan is no different,
no more justifiable, and
no more winnable than
the war against Iraq. Both
were underfunded, poorly
planned and based on
lies. Neither had anything
to do with 9/11. And
now, finally, the American
public is starting to learn
the truth.
George W. Bush’s
war against Iraq, most Americans believe, was
a distraction from the war on terrorism. But so
was Afghanistan. Osama bin Laden has been
in Pakistan since before 9/11. Bush knew
that. Nevertheless, he bombarded the military
dictator of Pakistan, who financed the Taliban
and Al Qaeda’s training camps and hosted bin
Laden, not with cluster bombs but with millions
of our taxdollars. He never tried to catch
Osama.
In Iraq, we won the invasion, but lost the
occupation because Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld refused to deploy the “something in
the order of several hundred thousand soldiers”
that then-Army Chief of Staff General Eric
Shinseki told the Senate he needed to pacify
the country. (Rumsfeld rewarded that accurate
assessment by forcing Shinkseki to quit.)
“Five years later, the canard that Bush neglected
the good war against Afghanistan to start a bad
one against Iraq is beginning to unravel.”
Two years earlier, military officials had
put in a similar request for the conquest of
Afghanistan, a nation about the same size as
Iraq that had in the past defeated both the
British and the Soviets. Out of the 400,000
troops requested, the Pentagon received 8,000.
Because of that decision in 2001, Afghans today
are terrorized by bombings, kidnappings and
murders by radical Islamists waging all-out civil
war against the U.S.-backed puppet regime of
Hamid Karzai. Afghanistan is every bit as much
of a mess as Iraq.
In order to sell the invasion of Iraq to
the American public, Bush and his cabal of
ideologues stooped to all sorts of grotesque
lies: WMDs for which they had no evidence,
linking Saddam Hussein to 9/11, calling him “a
grave and gathering threat to America and the
world,” claiming that we would be “welcomed
as liberators” by rose-petal-flinging throngs,
and that we’d liberate so much oil that the war
would pay for itself. And why wouldn’t they have
lied? They’d used analogous propaganda to
con us into bombing 18th century Afghanistan
back to the 14th. The Taliban, Bush lied, had
refused to turn over Osama. (Actually, they had.
But the Taliban were lying too. Since bin Laden
was in Pakistan, the Taliban couldn’t turn him
over.) We came to liberate Afghans from Sharia
law and the burqa, yet both remain. Life for
Afghan women today is just as harsh as before,
only more dangerous.
Five years later, the canard that Bush
neglected the good war against Afghanistan
to start a bad one against Iraq is beginning
to unravel. “Nothing that [Afghan puppet
president Hamid Karzai] promised has
materialized,” Ahmad Fahim Hakim, deputy
chairman of the Afghan Independent Human
Rights Commission, told The New York Times.
“Beneath the surface, it is boiling.” Afghans
chant “Death to Karzai!” in the streets of Kabul.
“Corruption is so widespread, the government
so lethargic and the divide between rich and
poor [are] gaping,” reports the Times.
“A lack of electrical power and other
services constrains large-scale job creation,
and hundreds apply daily for visas to find work
in Iran or Pakistan. Poverty and joblessness are
among the among the factors pushing people
into the arms of the Taliban, local leaders in
the south say...Afghan and international forces
find themselves fighting daily battles across
five provinces of the south, while casualties
are rising sharply among civilians, foreign
troops and government forces alike. The scale
of the insurgency has virtually wiped out the
government’s ability to provide services in
many places.”
These reports aren’t new. I’ve been filing
them since 2001. Yet Democratic leaders and
media allies continue to beat the classic eye-
on-the-ball talking point into the ground. Their
argument is that we should pull out of Iraq so
we can fight harder in Afghanistan:
Howard Dean, passionate and so right so
often, messes up here. “The President has taken
his eye off the ball in Afghanistan,” he said in
2003. “I supported the invasion of Afghanistan
and the elimination of the Taliban. I thought
that group was a clear and present danger to
the United States, and I supported what the
President did.” [I’m still waiting for someone to
explain to me exactly how the Taliban planned
to attack the United States. With rocks? They
did have lots of them.]
“They have taken their eye off the real ball,”
John Kerry said, with characteristic clumsiness,
during the 2004 presidential campaign. “They
took it off in Afghanistan and shifted it to Iraq.”
“This administration,” said Senator Joe
Biden in 2005, “took our eye off the ball in
Afghanistan and diverted our attention and
resources to Iraq.”
“I think we’re less safe,” ex-Clinton
Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. “It
happened when we took our eye off the ball in
Afghanistan after having made so much out of
the need to capture Osama bin Laden.” [Who 1303 Florence Street - $207,900
was, of course, in Pakistan.]
A few months ago liberal-come-lately Located in Historic Earlewood...First class reno-
blogmeister Arianna Huffington wrote: “For vation of this 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom all brick
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invasion...one of the most devastating has been plumbing, electrical, and HVAC. Brand new kitchen
the way it caused us to take our eye off the ball featuring site built cabinets with granite counter-
in Afghanistan. You do remember Afghanistan, tops and stainless steel appliances. Brand new
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Ned Lamont, who exploited anger over the with carpet upstairs.
Iraq war to defeat Senator Joe Lieberman in
the Connecticut primaries, gets it just as wrong In the House Realty specializes in representing clients seeking or selling property in the
as the others: “I think the invasion of Iraq took high demand, downtown market.
our eye off the ball in Afghanistan, took our eye
off the ball when it comes to Osama bin Laden
and, as I said before, destabilized the Middle
East.”
A person’s stance on Afghanistan has
become a national litmus test on one’s political
Call Chris Barczak Broker for a
intelligence. That includes semi-antiwar
Democrats like Hillary Clinton. Anyone who
showing or additional details.
can’t see that Afghanistan is as much of a
distraction as Iraq from the war against those
1929 Marion Street
who attacked us on 9/11--political and religious
figures in Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Egypt--
is a fool. They don’t want peace. They want to
replace one pointless and distracting conflict
803-513-5511
with another. Republican or Democratic, such
people deserve neither our respect nor our
votes.
(Ted Rall is the author of the new book
“Silk Road to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New
Middle East?,”)
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
10 citypaper August 30, 2006
American Theocracy
THE GOOD FIGHT
A disillusioned Republican blasts the
House of Bush
It’s a little late to be making a summer
reading list, but American Theocracy: The
Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and
Borrowed Money in the 21st Century was never
meant to be summer reading — or certainly not
beach reading.
American Theocracy is a weighty and well-
footnoted tome of recent social and political
history, representing the apogee of author Kevin
Phillips’ career from his beloved Republican
Party.
In his groundbreaking 1969 book,
The Emerging Republican Majority, Phillips
trumpeted the rise of the Republican Party in a
region he was first to call the Sunbelt.
In the nearly 40 years since that
groundbreaking work, Phillips has written a
dozen volumes of historical, political, and
social analysis. In The Politics of Rich and Poor,
he wrote about the widening economic gap
between the classes in post-Reagan America. In
American Dynasty, he scourged the Bush family
and their connection to business practices and
foreign interests inimical to American security.
Now, in American Theocracy, he takes
the next step in denouncing the Republican
Party he has spent most of his life nurturing
and supporting. “This book is dedicated to the
millions of Republicans, present and lapsed,
who have opposed the Bush dynasty and
the disenlightenment in the 2000 and 2004
elections,” he writes in his dedication.
Phillips’ book is divided into three extended
essays, the first on the dangers of petro-politics
and foreign policy; the second on the rise of
radical Christianity and its grip on the GOP;
and the third on the staggering debt the federal
government has accumulated under George W.
Bush.
“Despite pretensions to motivations
such as liberty and freedom,” Phillips writes,
“petroleum and its geopolitics have dominated
Anglo-American activity in the Middle East for a
full century. On this, history could not be more
clear.”
By Will Moredock, founder of the late Point newsweekly
Phillips takes the reader on a tour of that
history, including the machinations of early oil
barons Samuel S. Bush and George Herbert
Walker. A century later, the descendants of
these two men have taken turns in the White
House and have led their nation into two wars
to maintain American hegemony in the oil-rich
Middle East. The Bush family has close personal
ties to the corrupt ruling family of Saudi Arabia,
the nation with the greatest oil reserves in the
world.
America’s reckless policy in the Middle East
is a direct result of our addiction to oil, Phillips
writes. But there are some people who actually
applaud the war in the Holy Land as a fulfillment
of biblical prophecy. Perhaps as many as a third
of all Americans believe the second coming of
Jesus, the Rapture, and the end of the world
are imminent, Phillips writes. Such people care
little about environmental destruction or the
unsustainable national debt. To these voters
there are only short-term answers and the
Republican Party keeps them on a steady diet
of red meat with issues such as gay marriage,
abortion, and obscenity on television.
“The rapture, end-times, and Armageddon
hucksters in the United States rank with
any Shiite ayatollahs,” Phillips writes, “and
the last two presidential elections mark the
transformation of the GOP into the first religious
party in U.S. history.”
Phillips does an excellent job of explaining
how this brand of Christianity became so
deeply rooted in the South. After the defeat and
humiliation of the Civil War, it was the Protestant
churches — especially the Baptists — who
ministered to the wounded psyche of white
Southerners. They spun from this great tragedy
the myth of Southern downfall, purification, and
redemption, based on biblical mythology. The
Southern churches led their people in seceding
from reality, in creating their own history and
mythology, bearing little resemblance to any
facts. Most Southern Christians have not
rejoined the world of reality, remaining in denial
of evolution, global warming, and the corruption
of the current administration.
Part of that corruption is the staggering
debt which the Republicans have allowed to
accumulate through reckless tax cuts. Phillips
estimates that the total of all private and public
debt in the United States to as much as $70
trillion. The bill collector is coming in the form
of foreign governments, which grow weary and
worried at constantly underwriting our bonded
debt. When China and Japan decide they have
had enough, the dominoes of debt will start
falling and there is little to stop them.
The Republican Party lies at the crux of
these three dangerous trends in American
society and at the heart of the GOP is the House
of Bush.
The usual array of rightwing pundits
have lined up to take their shots at American
Theocracy. David Brooks’ denunciation recently
ran in The Post and Courier. Brooks scorns
“Americans, both cynical and naïve,” who are
willing to buy into Phillips’ thesis.
Cynical and naïve. That’s a perfect
description of the corporate/Christian alliance
which is the modern Republican Party.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 the College Survival Guide
it’s not about getting good grades and graduating on time.
it’s about having the time of your life and actually learning something in the process
By Blake, Hutchins, Kempsell & Morehead
Photo’s By Sean Rayford
You’ve bought the books, scored the Game-
cock gear, and have spent your first few
nights back on campus. You have a pretty
good handle on the shopping, culture, and
nightlife that Columbia has to offer (and, yes,
we’re saying that with straight faces) after
having read the Free Times back to school
issue. Yet, somehow you were left wanting
more. How, you wondered, do I BS on an
essay exam or find a secret parking spot?
Surely, a college guide-- written by USC
graduates-- would impart some type of wis-
dom, too. What are the worst excuses to
give a professor? How do you fight Athlete’s
Foot?
Well, worry no more. City Paper staffers, all
with long rap sheets at USC, have compiled
their sage wisdom into a list of the things you
really need to know to survive at Carolina.
HEALTH & WELLNESS
Hangover Cures
It takes years of trial and error to perfect the
ultimate hangover cure. Most of you young-
sters out there still have the luxury of sleep-
ing for 14 hours to knock a hangover out.
The rest of us have to be at work at 9 a.m.
on weekdays. That being the case, neces-
sity has forced us to develop effective cures.
And, simplicity is the key:
Set the alarm clock to 6:30 a.m. before you
go out. Just trust us on this one. The next
time you hear that horrible sound, the sun
will be rising and you will wake up in a mild
sober shock. Ignore the chirping of the birds,
the light streaming in through the window
and the fact that you slept in your shoes
again. You only have to do five simple things
at this point.
1. Fill a glass of water.
2. Optional: Force down a piece of toast,
some cereal, crackers, whatever.
3. Take a packet of headache powder. If you
have to, take two tablets, but the powder,
while near vomit inducing, is quicker to dis-
solve. Drink the whole glass of water. Note:
If you’re worried about mixing booze and
aspirin or ibuprofen --which can be harmful
to the liver-- consult a physician before you
go out to the club (preferably in person while
you’re dressed in your evening wear).
4. Refill the glass after you take the head-
ache powder and drink another. If possible,
drink a third glass. The first priority is to hy-
drate your system.
5. Pee, go back to bed and sleep for at least
2 more hours.
When you next wake, you will feel close to
45%. Have a cup of coffee (iced sweet tea
is even better. Remember: hydrate.) After a
caffeine jolt, take a shower, have something
greasy for breakfast, and put on a fresh clean
pair Hello Kitty boxers. (You may have a
shart later). The real hangover starts around
mid afternoon. You’ll wake strong, but crash
later. Be prepared. If you feel ill, splash cold
water on your face. If you are in class, just
use your fingers to dab it on your face from a
water bottle. The sickness will pass. The key
is to shoulder through it. Go home and take
a long nap. If you follow these steps, you’ll
feel so good by Happy Hour that you’ll want
to go out for a drink to celebrate.
The Benefits of Condom Use
Maybe you’ve had University 101 and seen
the slideshow. Maybe your first drunken sex-
ual encounter said she was on birth control
but then you had to drop out of school and
work a $10 an hour job to give her ¾ of ev-
erything you make just because you thought
it “didn’t feel as good.” Keep in mind, con-
doms are significantly cheaper than a (a) a
wedding, (b) child support, or (c) an abortion,
soooooooo USE THEM (unless you are a de-
vout Catholic, in which case, swing away).
And remember, free Lifestyles tuxedos are
available at the Thompson Student Health
Center. With HIV cases being the highest
in the State you better wrap it, and with all
the other sick internet born perverts where
nothing is taboo it may be best to listen to
your pastor and hold out for a southern bell.
For more information about local HIV testing
events and locations, call DHEC’s AIDS/STD
Hotline at 1-800-322-AIDS. For easy wom-
en, visit the Greek Village.
SOCIETY
Thank you, Sir! May I Have Another? : How
to survive Rush Week
The one stipulation for Mom and Dad
paying for college is that junior will join pop’s
old frat or daughter will join mom’s old soror-
ity. It’ll come in handy later, they say, when
you enter the business world or if you trans-
fer to the Citadel. For now, though, the frat
and sorority have their present-day perks:
a sense of community within your flip-flop
wearing mob of homies; reputation; and,
most importantly, the key to some of the
best booty on campus. But, it won’t come
free. First you have to survive Rush Week.
You will have to wear diapers in class, shoot
down a Slip-n-Slide greased by beer vomit,
or worse... much, much worse.
The key is to be physically prepared.
Make sure to get plenty of sleep, by any
means necessary. Studies show that lack of
sleep will cause forgetfulness, mood swings,
and will hamper the immune system. You will
need your immune system in prime order af-
ter some of the disgusting things you’ll be
forced to ingest.
To combat the mental and physical fa-
tigue, study a British SAS or Army Special
Forces survival manual. They often teach ba-
sic techniques for surviving in a high-stress
captor-and-captive situation. This will come
in handy after a night of vodka enemas and
ice baths when you awaken blindfolded and
naked in the middle of the horseshoe on
Sunday morning.
Most importantly, try to be mindful
around alcohol, the cornerstone of all hazing
activities. Alcohol poisoning is the bane of
the frat existence, but it is a real threat. Too
many shots of spiced rum-- no matter how
high Jimmy Buffett is cranked-- will cause
you to pass out and can depress the nerves
that are responsible for involuntary functions
12 citypaper August 30, 2006
like breathing or the gag reflex, which will ary panty raid in Revenge of the Nerds: the
cause you to choke, Bon Scott style, on your girl’s dorms will forever be the promised land
own puke. (Which is better than someone for the undergrad male. Buxom young vixens
else’s vomit.) In addition, your heart rate can stroll the halls in bath towels on their way to
drop and lead to hypothermia or you could experimental make-out sessions, stopping
suffer brain damage from dehydration. If the occasionally to giggle through scantily clad
guy beside you shows any signs of alcohol pillow fights. To actually score in this frilly
poisoning while you are being hazed, stop heaven, with the teddy bears looking on, is a
the challenge, remove the broom handle, and scene to rival any story in Hustler.
call the paramedics immediately. Conversely, sex at the guy’s sparse, arm-
pit-reeking dorm in the Honeycombs has
always seemed pathetic and, well, kind of
Using a fake ID in Five Points creepy. Funny how that works. No matter if
you choose top bunk or bottom, space will
Though we at City Paper in no way condone always be an issue; lighting, too, will be a
it, there is a simple process for using a fake problem. But, you’ve got to run with what you
ID in Five Points. If you’re a girl and have bring to the track.
boobs then congratulations—you’re in. And The one element you can control is pri-
if you hook up with the bouncer then your vacy. The whole necktie on the doorknob bit
friends are in too. If you are a guy though, was antiquated back when your parents used
you have a only a few options: (a) Drive to it in the Shag days. Nowadays the norm is
Atlanta or New York and buy a good fake, to cover your doorknob with a thick glob of
but don’t spend more than $50, (b) Purchase Vaseline. The door is virtually impenetrable,
some holograms off the internet, (c) Make a gives your roommate a moment to realize
friend at the DMV, (d) Use your brothers’, or why you’re blaring Eddie Money, followed by
(e) Use that scanner your parents bought you the image of what is transpiring on the other
accordingly. As for using that fake, walk in side of the door. He will then look at himself
behind someone of age—they won’t scruti- grabbing the lubed doorknob, be overcome
nize your ID as hard. Wait about a month af- with a pang of disgust and will hurry back to
ter school starts to head downtown to avoid the coffee shop for another latte. But, don’t
SLED. Make sure you dress down like you’ve abuse your roommate’s kindness: you should
been doing it for a while and, last but not only commandeer the dorm for an hour or so
least, if you see a cop ACT NORMAL—other- at a time.
wise he’s going to beeline for you when you And remember: free Jimmies at Thomp-
drop that cup and bolt. son Student Health Center.
Remember, the ID doesn’t really have to look
like you and if all else fails you can always Intricacies of Communal Dorm Showers
use “the pass-back” option. But, we think
you should wait until you’re legal to go booz- There is but one essential to surviving
ing at the bars. ...Shouldn’t you be at home communal showers. Cheap sandals. Plat-
studying? forms if you can get them. The only place
you will wear them is in the shower—and with
Penalties for being caught using a good reason.
fake ID to purchase alcohol in the Foot fungus runs rampant. If the pow-
state of South Carolina. ders and itch creams aren’t working and it
still feels like a lit match is resting between
Using a fake ID: To use someone else’s driv- your toes, try slathering your feet with yogurt.
Pet Mr. Hobbs er’s license or personal identification card.
First offense: Up to $100 fine or 30 days im-
No joke, it’s supposed to work wonders.
Itchy feet are the least of your worries,
prisonment; driver’s license suspended for though. Those chunks clogging the drain are

the literary cat 90 days. last night’s pasta from the Bates House Cafe-
Second or subsequent offense: Up to $100 teria after the kid two doors down slammed a
fine or 30 days imprisonment; driver’s license six-pack of Hard-Core Apple Cider. We don’t

for 25 cents
suspended for six months. even need to get started on what the guy is
S.C. Code Sections 56-1-515(2), 56-1-515(4), doing in the corner stall and if an athlete is
56-1-746(a) on the toilet, breathe through your mouth—
when combined with the steam, the stench
Using an altered ID: To alter a driver’s license will smoke you out faster than NORML during
so as to provide false information. a student pro-democracy rally.
First offense: Up to $2,500 fine and six
The Five Points Book Shop months imprisonment; driver’s license sus- MONEY
pended for 90 days.
718 Santee Avenue Second or subsequent offense: Up to $2,500 Don’t let a T-shirt of free pizza induce you
fine and six months imprisonment; driver’s li- to sign up for a credit card.
803.799.7182 cense suspended for 6 months.
drbooks@infionline.net S.C. Code Sections 56-1-515(1), 56-1-515(3), They look friendly enough, beckon-
www.abebooks.com/home/DRBOOKS9 56-1-746(a) ing from the foldout table near the Russell
Giving false information for the purpose of House. And, wow, you can get a free generic
buying alcohol: It is illegal for a minor to lie Carolina shirt for just filling out that form?
to a clerk about his or her age in order to buy And the credit card lady says, “Haaay, how
alcohol. are yeeewww!” like she’s a long-lost relative,
Penalty: Fine between $50 and $100 and up and, oh, the whole experience just seems so
to 30 days imprisonment. S.C. Code Section genuine...

Fantasy Photos 61-4-60 Nope.

Fight it! Run away shrieking if you have
Giving false information to a law enforcement to. There’s no shame in it. Just run. The min-
officer: It is illegal to lie or give false informa- ute the credit card lady’s talons close around

$6 tion to a law enforcement officer.

or 30 days imprisonment.
S.C. Code Section 16-17-725
your form, consider yourself financially ruined
First or subsequent offense: Up to $200 fine before you even graduate. Next thing you
know, you’ll have an apartment full of non-
returnable Spongebob Squarepants furniture
that you bought while tripping and a massive
monthly bill that it will take decades to crawl
It’s All In The Name HOME
away from.

605 Harden Street (next to Groucho’s) Sex in a Dorm Room Extra Funding
803-256-9747
Things haven’t changed much since No one wants to have a job in college,
Gilbert and company went on their legend- so we’re going to tell you some get rich quick
College Survival citypaper August 30, 2006 13
scams. Oh yeah, and of course How to BS on an English exam
we could never actually encour-
age anyone to do any of these, If you’re sitting there reading the
so this is really just, uh…more essay question over and over and you
like what not to do unless you still can’t even recognize where the
want to end up in our crime re- passage came from, just write about
port. the whole thing makes you feel. Wow
them with flowery language. A per-
1) The 1-900-Number Scam: son close to City Paper once worked
This one can be hard work and this Jerky Boy’s line into an Art His-
take some wit, but when it works tory exam: “ ...the women in the
it rakes in big. Set up a 1-900- painting looked like they could do a
Number with a fake name and side of beef and make it more tender
a P.O. box that charges some- than a damn wet pillow.” He got a C.
thing like $10 a minute (you set You’d be surprised by what you can
the rate), then go all over town to get away with.
a bunch of corporate buildings We’ll give you a freebie. You can
and ask to use their phones, dial use this. Whatever the question, start
the number and leave the phone off the essay with “If so-and-so were
off the hook. Most likely any cor- alive today, they would…” and then
porate headquarters’ phone bill just go nuts about how much they
is handled by direct deposit and would hate MySpace and Snakes on
the money will go into your ac- a Plane.
count unnoticed. If you do get
found out, however, you better guy is going to be more hung over than you through generations, but if you find your own How to pull an all-nighter
hope they don’t have you on camera. are, will be a whole lot easier on your GPA space, guard it viciously.
and will often impart grizzled worldly wisdom Often competing parkers will pose as First, find the kid on your hall that has a
2) Bill Me Later: By doing this right you through his rants while simultaneously teach- landlords, leaving threatening notes on your prescription for Adderall or Ritalin and give
can furnish your entire home with the most ing the subject. windshield. Sometimes they will threaten to them a dollar for one, (or if it’s exam time
pimped out stuff and never have to pay a Also, immediately scour the syllabus. vandalize your car. But, stick to your guns! $5—simple supply and demand). Then, have
dime. Here’s how it works: Buy a TV from They are often misleading. Sometimes phras- You can leave notes, too. an in-depth conversation with your room-
some place and use the Bill Me Later option, es like “25 page essay and Power Point pre- If worse comes to worse, you could al- mate for at least three hours. You won’t be
which means you won’t have to pay anything sentation” are snuck into seemingly innocu- ways have your car-less friend who lives near able to begin studying until you’ve thoroughly
for six months but if you mess up on a pay- ous lines around the mid term point on the campus give you his city parking or visitor’s cleaned your entire room and organized the
ment the interest will just be really high. Use syllabus, often only noticed with horror three pass. cereal boxes by the Dewey Decimal System.
the TV for five months and 10 days and then days before they are due. If there are too By four in the morning you should have
return it for CASH at the place you got it. Now many projects and journals and busy work, How to Stay Awake in Class finally buckled down to study and the first pill
take that cash and use it to pay off Bill Me go with your gut and drop the class. If it’s a How to Arrive Late With Grace will be wearing off. Take another and remem-
Later in full. Now go pick out a better TV and small class, at least wait for the class to end. Excuses: Don’t Use Dead Grandmas ber to e-mail the assignment to your profes-
do it again. If you keep your records straight If it’s a larger class, slip out the door the min- Vodka: The Key to Nailing Presentations sor before you come down hard and sleep
you can do this for couches, beds, tables, ute you decide to drop, go home, and hop through your classes for the entire day. But
electronics, game systems or anything and on V.I.P. Be patient: lots of students drop and Best Professors don’t be “that guy” with the blue ring around
never end up actually “paying” for any of it. add and if you keep trying, you’ll get another his nostril. Not cool.
Just make sure to ALWAYS pay off Bill Me class you want. Plus, ride the “override” for Here we will refer you to the best college And Never, ever sign up for an 8 a.m.
Later on time—the more you do that, the all it’s worth. Web site known to man: www.ratemyprofes- class. That one probably goes without say-
more money they will credit you and the more If you have to change around three times, sor.com USE IT. ing.
stuff you can charge. do it. The key is to search out the classes and
professors who will best fulfill your needs.
3) EBT Cards: Most crackheads who are We’ve heard that if you end up with a profes-
on welfare don’t really care so much about sor named “Haggard” you should drop the
buying groceries as they do about buying class immediately.
crack. That’s why they’ll sell you their EBT
card worth $250 in grocery purchases for like Parking Secret: Secret Parking
$125. Be careful though, you’ll need to enter
a PIN number and a lot of times you might Want to feel truly alienated by your Uni-
want to drag that crackhead along to the versity? Live off campus. Commuter students
store with you to make sure it works. have gotten the shaft at USC for years, pay-
ing $40 for a parking decal that doesn’t even
4) Selling Classes: Yes, that’s right, you can guarantee a space. Well, forget that. All you
literally SELL classes that you don’t have to need is a little gumption and creativity and
take. Usually only working for upperclassmen you can find a plethora of free parking around
who are able to register before others, you campus, often within yards of the building to
can sign up for a class known to fill up quick which you are headed.
and then post a listing on eBay or Craig’s List Over the weekend, cruise the neighbor-
saying you’ll conveniently “drop” the class at hoods that surround campus. The City of
a specific time (like 4:27 a.m.) and the buyer Columbia has long called dibs on the street
can “add” the class the second later. Or you parking, so don’t even bother with that. What
can just use a cell phone and have the buyer you need to do is check the myriad back al-
keep hitting “add” as you conveniently click leys, side yards, and dumpster areas behind
“drop” online. buildings, et cetera: basically, the underbelly
of the campus outskirts.
There are very small pockets of spaces
EDUCATION behind certain individually owned apartment
buildings on Greene, Barnwell, Henderson
Pass/Fail Classes: Unsung Heroes of Un- and Pickens streets. We’ll let you find those
dergrads yourselves as some of us are still using them.
Also, know that most commercial apartment
Peace Out! : Develop a Sixth Sense for complexes don’t actually have a guy who’s
Dropping Classes job it is to check cars for stickers in the lot--
except Cornell Arms.
Try to sit as close to the door as pos- THEY will tow your ass in seconds.
sible. Your gut will speak to you after the first With some careful recon and some skillful
10 to 15 minutes of your first day of class. shimmying, you can wiggle into a comfy, con-
If the professor seems particularly grumpy... venient, and free space. The key is to adopt
she probably is. And, more than likely, he/she the air that you are supposed to be parking
will remain that way for the majority of the se- there. Challenge anyone who disagrees. If
mester. Also, avoid the young professors, if at you hesitate for a moment, you risk a $60 tow
all possible. They are still institutionalized and truck fee. Make up an elaborate story to go
seem to have chips on their shoulders. More along with your parking space and stick to it.
often than not, the old wrinkled suit-wearing Often these secret spaces are passed down
The Angry Whale citypaper August 30, 2006 15

Wednesday, August 30 Mac’s On Main Wild Wing Café The Modern Society
1710 Main St. Columbia 480 Town Center Columbia Chandler
Art Bar Hennessy Blues Jam Uphonic
1211 Park St., Cola. Wednesday, September 13
Mr. B’s Goodtime Karoke New Brookland Tavern Saturday, September 2 New Brookland Tavern
122 State St., West Cola. 122 State St., West Cola
Headliners Havoc Din Art Bar The Dirty Lowdown
700 Gervais St. Columbia Unit 17 1211 Park St., Cola. Who’s Todd
Dub Conscious The Dirty Guns Ryan Monroe
D.J. Riggle Dr. Harry Woo w Almost Jason Thursday, September 14
Foxes That Fight New Brookland Tavern
Friday, September 1 Jammin Java 122 State St., West Cola.
Mac’s On Main 1530 Main St., Columbia Jucifer
1710 Main St. Columbia Cafe Strudel Ward Williams Hungry Models
Evan Williams Open Ben Wilson Solo Acoustic Pop/Rock Jucifer at New Brookland Tavern
Jam Session Steven Fiore Friday, September 15
Headliners Thursday Sept. 14 Headliners
New Brookland Tavern 700 Gervais St. Columbia New Brookland Tavern Jucifer is loud as shit. This Athens duo just signed to Relapse 700 Gervais St. Columbia
122 State St., West Cola. D.J. Frosty 122 State St., West Cola. Records and will surely blast your face off. Did I mention that Need To Breathe
Charge The Mound My Surprise Jucifer is loud as shit? Bring your earplugs. The Hungry Mod-
Fight Like Hell Jammin Java Indeed els open featuring everyone’s favorite bartender in Columbia Monday, September 18
On A Warpath 1530 Main St., Columbia (Tim from Art Bar). Headliners
Death Blow Sam Fisher The Saloon 700 Gervais St. Columbia
xlead the fightx Solo Acoustic Pop/Rock Alex Buck 480 Town Center Columbia Sunday, September 10 Band of Horses
APPEARING WITH: Brent Lundy New Brookland Tavern Chad VanGallen
Wild Wing Café Gabriel Gordon The Whig 122 State St., West Cola Simon Dawles
1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia Solo Acoustic Folk/Rock International Grapevine New Brookland Tavern Long Street
Grayson Hill Jeremy Lev 122 State St., West Cola.
APPEARING WITH: Wild Wing Café The Indepedants
Wild Wing Café Gabriel Gordon 1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia Testing Ground
480 Town Center Columbia Solo Acoustic Folk/Rock The Showmen Maladroit Mafai
Brent Lundy Jeremy Lev
Wild Wing Café Art Bar
Thursday, August 31 New Brookland Tavern 480 Town Center Columbia 1211 Park St., Cola.
122 State St., West Cola. Tokyo Joe Mr. B’s Goodtime Karoke
Art Bar Hamster Theater
1211 Park St., Cola. GreenLaw Sunday, September 3 Thursday, September 7
Electric Bird Noise
Erector Set Jillians Art Bar Art Bar
The Deadbeats Specer Rush 1211 Park St., Cola. 1211 Park St., Cola.
RED WHITE & BLUE Cypress Knees
Headliners The Saloon FESTIVAL
700 Gervais St. Columbia Two for The Road The Country Crooners New Brookland Tavern
From Idle Hands Falling Off A Building 122 State St., West Cola.
Fair Street The Venue Black Bottom Biscuits The Elements
Seeking Eternity Villanova Nervous System
Day of Battle Hellblinki Sextet Friday, September 8
Because of This Wild Wing Café
1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia New Brookland Tavern Headliners
Peace & Love 122 State St., West Cola. 700 Gervais St. Columbia
O’Death Corey Smith
Skeletonbreath Trevor Hall
Monday, September 4 New Brookland Tavern
122 State St., West Cola.
New Brookland Tavern Early Show:
122 State St., West Cola. The Skuds
Daughters SickSickSick
Russian Circles Dirty South
Rapist In The Choir Revolutionary Youth
Loards Late Show:
Madison Fair
O’Death at New Brookland Tavern Wild Wing Café
Sunday, September 3 1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia Saturday, September 9
Tokyo Joe
Dusk has just arrived on September 16, 1862 and you’ve set New Brookland Tavern
up camp barely outside of Sharpsburg, Maryland. Tomorrow 122 State St., West Cola.
will be the bloodiest single-day battle of the Civil War and the Baumer
last time you will ever see the sunrise. The fellas in O’Death Tuesday, September 7 Starting Tuesday
are a stones throw away and their Appalacian whiskey in- New Brookland Tavern Firefly Summer
spired sounds float from campfire to campfire. At least your 122 State St., West Cola. The Stock Market Crash
last night will be enjoyable. O’Death, a six-piece from New Idle Vice
York, New York will bring their dark mountain bluegrass to Art Bar
Columbia and stretch the limits of instruments like the ukule- Wednesday, September 6 1211 Park St., Cola.
le, fiddle, banjo, and euphonium and you’ll forget that almost Rockefeller Horsecollar
23,000 soldiers will lose their lives tomorrow. If you think you Jammin Java The Rapist in the Choir
might like music that sounds like a “steam train, wet soil, bad 1530 Main St., Columbia The Stock Market Crash
dog, dried blood, knock kneed, blackgrass, rickety fence David Mead
teeth, [and/or] gypsy death,” don’t miss this one. Yukos the
Crude and Skeletonbreath round out the line-up. Wild Wing Café
 STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD
Sometimes accidents produce amazing results. Two and
a half years ago Nate Boykin and Kenny McWilliams start-
ed a joke that was never intended to even leave the studio.
Eventually they added a live drummer and bass player--
and Baumer was born. It only took a few months before the
Columbia band was filling local rock clubs to near capacity.
Everyone was talking about the band that had risen from
the ashes of Courage Riley with the help of the singer from
Tigerbot Hesh. At that time most regulars to the local music
scene would have expected Baumer to have already swept
up the typically disappointing culture of music of the United
States.
Perhaps single handily they would save pop music and
Columbia would sit back proudly and say ‘they’re from
here.’ Hootie and Crossfade would be left in a cloud of
smoke.
On their debut Baumer was even able to enlist the help
of super producer Mike Shipley (the Cars, Blondie, Kelly
Clarkson, Devo). “Having a guy of that caliber working on
your stuff is amazing. He made it sound a hundred times
better,” says vocalist Nate Boykin.
“We started the band as a joke and side project and if you
happened to go to any of our early shows that was obvious
that we were messing around. But then things got a little
more serious when the label was interested and we signed
with them,” says guitarist Kenny McWilliams.
It’s just taking a little more time than
expected but slowly that experiment in
the studio has transformed into a world
with a flashy music video, trips to Los
Angeles, and even cell phone ring tones (a category that worthy clip featuring a hot broad, piles of cash, and a yel- and then the idea also was that we have a new publicist
Billboard magazine now charts). low ferrari just as slick as the songs on Come on, Feel It. and to get her on board in time for the re-release,” says
This past spring the now five piece flew out to the West “Daron was the man,” says McWilliams. McWilliams.
Coast to work on a music video with famed director Daron “I think the plan now is to use this re-release as a build- Baumer’s infectious tunes highlighted with Boykin’s
Doane (Jimmy Eat World, Thursday, Atreyu, Underoath). up for the next album that we will probably be recording this insane vocal range will surely be able to turn heads across
“We got there and there were donuts, bagels and muffins winter,” says Boykin. the country as the band gets the right exposure and people
and three big things of Starbucks coffee and we drink a lot “We’ve probably already written ten songs for the next can find the record in stores. For the time being, Baumer is
of Starbucks on tour so it was killer,” says McWilliams album. We’re still excited about the re-release and hopeful- Columbia’s big little secret. If Baumer can overcome their
about their experience shooting the music video for “Take ly we’ll be able to sell a few more copies and set up the difficulties with distribution and find some success on the
What’s Mine.” next album,” says McWilliams. road it won’t take long before the world finds itself holding
The new video will be included as bonus material along Originally released in September of last year people out- Baumer dance parties in their living rooms.
with a remix of the song on the re-release of Come On, side of their hometown had a tough time finding the CD on “Touring has been the one thing that has plagued this
Feel It, (September 12) their debut full length on Astro store shelves. band. We’ve been through four booking agents now which
Magnetics Records. “The initial idea with the re-release was that distribution is a ridiculous number for how little touring we’ve done,”
Doane found the set for the video in a town not too far was kind of a mess on the last [release] and it wasn’t real- says McWilliams.
from Los Angeles and ly distributed any- Until recently the band existed as a four piece and never
introduced Columbia’s where. A lot of the put too much thought to adding any additional members
Baumer to the process of sales were online but this spring Baumer recruited Chad Rochester expand-
making a music video. because people ing and cementing their live sound.
“It was this crazy awe- couldn’t find it “We eventually decided that we could make a bigger
some looking bar straight anywhere. That sound if we had another guitar player. We could also get
out of a movie,” says looks good and him to play synth and the parts that we had tracked and
vocalist Nate Boykin. means people were playing along to we could do live and have a better
“We were doing the were looking for live feel. We got to a point where we realized it would be a
songs over and over. All our record but not hassle but if we could make things just a little bit better it
these people standing able to find it in would be worth it,” says Boykin.
around watching you sing stores. So they Perhaps by the new year people will start to get it. They’ll
this one song. I had to wanted to rere- realize that pop music isn’t created on a Puff Daddy reality
probably do the song 15 lease it and give it TV show. They’ll see that there isn’t a pop music formula
to 20 times. It was super another shot. We controlled by the elite. Don’t miss the boat, it sets sail again
awkward,” says Boykin. have a new distri- at Baumer’s rerelease party September 9 at the New
The end result is a TRL bution company Brookland Tavern.
THE ANGRY WHALE no. 1.23 theangrywhale@yahoo.com
18 Bum of The Week
Bum of The Week By Corey Hutchins
After guzzling an entire 32-ounce bottle
of mouthwash, the grey-haired Vietnam vet-
eran is stumbling around in the dark, looking
for a pair of dirty old shoes scattered about
his bed. Shortly after midnight, his bed isn’t a
park bench, no; he’s given that option up to
his woman. Instead, he sleeps on an opened
cardboard box spread out on the ground.
The man with stringy, oily hair he repeat-
edly peels from his stubbled, dirty face said
he’s been on the streets of Columbia for 12
years.
“I’ve seen it all,” he said with his head
in his hands, gagging, coughing, spitting and
continuously picking things off his tongue.
“Whatever you can imagine… a person…
things [that] happen to ‘em goes on around
here.” His words are barely comprehensible
as he unsuccessfully tries to light the wrong
end of a cigarette.
“Goddamn! That’s what I’m talking
about… I got it backwards. I just woke up.”
Cigarettes bummed off strangers aren’t
his only vice he admits as his wrinkled eyes
blink and he rubs his craggy face with both
palms, yellow smoke sifting out between his
fingers.
“Yeah, I do drugs— but I do legal drugs.
I’m a Vietnam veteran. All the drugs I do is
what they prescribe me. I just ran out of ‘em
last night. I got two of ‘em [left].”
A few awkward moments of clumsy rum-
maging deep in his left pocket produces
an orange pill bottle with most of the label
ripped off.
“When I do it I do Oxycodone,” he said,
shaking the bottle.
Did he mean Oxycontin, a drug that’s
been called “legal heroin,” by the son of Ozzy
Osborne himself?
No.
“I don’t have enough money to buy no
Oxycontin,” he said. “Siiiiiiit.”
But asked what he would do with Oxy-
contin if he had it, he said he would “take the
hell out of it.”
And as for illicit drugs not prescribed by
doctors and sold more so under the railroad
bridge than of over the counter, this issue’s
Bum of the Week said, sure, he’s gotten into
that stuff too.
“You see a [certain-looking] dude riding
a bicycle… he’s selling crack most likely,” he
said, also admitting he smokes it too if he can
get it.
“The way I do it is…I don’t buy it. I’m
[more of] an alcoholic.”
Asked if he would consider himself a
citypaper August 30, 2006
The Vet’s Stats
Age: 60s
Name: Withheld
Where Loitering: Maxy Gregg Park
Time & Date: Monday, Aug. 28, 12:20 A.M.
Drug of Choice: Mouthwash
* These are real people and real events, now on
public record
gering around to about the war. Maybe about the woman
look for the bottle. sleeping soundly on the park bench next to
Finding it empty, him wrapped in a dirty pink blanket.
he tosses it aside. “Our Federal Government is the worst
“That goes thing that happened to us,” he says after a
on everyday,” he while, his eyes looking directly into my eyes.
said, looking at the “The police up there, they harass us all
empty bottle like the time. They harass us all the time, man.
a broken promise. They’ll run you down. Bob Coble is…the
“Because a big harassment. You can’t sit on Main Street if
old bottle like that you’re homeless. You got nowhere to go. I
don’t cost but a ain’t took a shower in three damn weeks. It
dollar.” ain’t get no worse than that, man. If you be-
Standing come homeless right now there is nowhere, if
again, swaying a you’re a man, to go. There’s nowhere to go.
bit from side to All’s you do is you camp out here.”
side, he pauses And what would he say to Mayor Bob
for a very long Coble if were he standing there instead of
time and looks out me, in the dark, under this tree with the smell
past the benches of urine, body odor and cigarette smoke all
toward the busy around him?
“Yeah, I do drugs— but I do
social crack smoker he said, “Yeah. If some- legal drugs. I’m a Vietnam
body’s here and smoking it and they pass me
the pipe I’ll do it.”
street where car head-
lights occasionally il- veteran. All the drugs I do is
All the talk about drugs seems to make
him edgy. He sucks in the smoke from his
cigarette as though it will cure the discomfort
luminate a sign read-
ing “Please do not give
money to panhandlers.”
what they prescribe me.”
of sleeping on the ground every night and not His forehead wrin-
showering in weeks. kles as though he has a headache. His eyes He’d say, “Look here: Get us a place.
Asked if he’s been drinking tonight, after close real tight and then open again, vacant. As big as this town is…where we can take a
an 11 second pause yielding nothing but the He watches the smoke from his cigarette rise shower. That’s what I would say.”
sound of crickets and distant police sirens, up through the muggy summer night air and
he answers, “Yeah… I been drinking mouth- disappear. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
wash,” before slowly getting up and stag- Who knows what he’s thinking. Maybe
Movies
Deric Spoils The Movie
Showy lead performer and club manager Rooster (Ant-
wan A Patton) and villainous Trumpy (Terrence Howard)
are looking as bad as the movie they’re in, Idlewild.
Idlewild (2006)
Buy the soundtrack…forget the
movie.
The ONLY thing you need
to know about Idlewild is this…
it sucks. Good God. Looking
back at the movies I’ve seen
and reviewed since I began
writing this column I’ve been
hard pressed to find a movie as
bizarre, awkward, or just plain
weird as this one. And to be
frank…I’m being nice here.
Andre “Andre 3000”
Benjamin and Antwan “Big
Boi” Patton star as Percival
and Rooster; two childhood
friends who grew up together.
Always the shy one, Percival
has long been dominated by
his mortician father as well as
by the outgoing Rooster, often
retreating to his attic to practice
the piano.
Set in the South during
Prohibition, Rooster makes
his money by running liquor,
performing, and helping to
manage a local nightclub.
Meanwhile, shy of the spotlight,
Percival flounders.
The mobbed up owner of
the nightclub is tired of business
and looking to sell. When
he is killed by his underling,
Rooster finds himself suddenly
managing the club and having
to come up with money to pay
off the former owners’ debts.
A famous singer known
as Angel Davenport arrives
to save the day and pack the
club with her immense talent.
One catch: the young lady
who arrives isn’t really Angel
Davenport – a fanciful case
of sock-puppetry is afoot!
Percival falls for Sally B. Shelly
(the fake Ms. Davenport) and
agrees to run away to Chicago
with her.
Rooster settles his debts
with the mob but infuriates the
boss. In the brawl that ensues,
Percival’s love takes a bullet
and tragically dies. Stopped
just short of suicide, Percival
heads off to Chicago on his
own to ‘make it big’ in the
Harlem music scene.
Idlewild feels like a
series of music videos strung
together with a weak plot,
which makes sense since
it’s directed by Bryan Barber
(the man who is responsible
for most of their better music
videos). I took a date to this
film and cannot recommend
the experience to anyone. Sex
scenes and nudity abound
– Big Boi and cunnilingus
anyone? And just wait until the
scene where Andre serenades
the corpse of his departed
beauty. Creepy. There were
maybe 10 other people in the
theater at the time we were and
you couldn’t help but overhear
the ridiculous giggles and
smirky comments every time
something weird happened in
the film (which was quite too
often).
You too as you exit the
theater will “*cough*worstmovi
eever*cough*” just loud enough
so everyone else can hear it.
That is if you survive the TWO
HOURS AND 20 MINUTES that
is this film.
Maybe Idlewild is just
a funky film version of what
we’ve come to expect from
Outkast over the years, full of
their unique style and flavor.
Or maybe it just sucks. Either
way you can’t say I didn’t warn
you.
Idlewild (2006) starring Andre
“Andre 3000” Benjamin,
Antwan “Big Boi” Patton,
Faizon Love, Paula Jai Parker,
and Paula Patton is directed by
Bryan Barber and rated R for
violence, sexuality, nudity and
language.
Also Playing This Week:
Accepted √
Synopsis: University rejects
decide to create their own
school.
Verdict: Is this how W. got his
honorary doctorate in Poli Sci?
Oh, wait…
Barnyard: The Original Party
Animals √
Synopsis: Farm animals talk
when people aren’t around!
Verdict: And we talk about you
when you aren’t around!
Beerfest √
Synopsis: Two American
brothers compete in secret,
underground beer Olympics.
Verdict: S.C. Beer Olympics
coming soon…stay tuned!
How to Eat Fried Worms X
Synopsis: Based on the
children’s book – guess what
By Deric Kempsell
it’s about??
Verdict: Unfortunately, I
couldn’t stomach this movie
either…
Invincible √
Synopsis: A 30-year-old
nobody makes it into the NFL.
Verdict: The only football
movie I will endorse for the rest
of the year. And even that’s
pushing it.
Material Girls X
Synopsis: A riches-to-rags-to-
riches story featuring the Duff
sisters!
Verdict: I’d rather have a root
canal.
Pirates of the Caribbean:
Dead Man’s Chest √
Synopsis: Captain Jack
Sparrow discovers he owes a
blood debt to the legendary
Davey Jones.
Verdict: $400 million and still
going strong…see it already!
Pulse √
Synopsis: Ghouls from another
dimension use modern wireless
technology to kill.
Verdict: Last month’s wireless
bill really did kill me.
Snakes on a Plane √
Synopsis: An in-depth look at
S.C. politics… in the sky. Just
kidding. Snakes on a plane.
Verdict: If you hyped this movie
on the ‘net and then didn’t see
it - shame on you!
Step Up X
Synopsis: A hard luck kid from
Baltimore “steps up” his dance
game to get the girl.
Verdict: Step up…and get your
ticket to a different movie!
Talladega Nights: The Ballad
of Ricky Bobby √
Synopsis: Will Ferrell is a
NASCAR racing sensation
whose attitude makes him a
national hero.
Verdict: Oh beautiful infant
baby Jesus in your golden
manger, I loved this movie…
World Trade Center X
Synopsis: September 11th,
2001 through the eyes of two
trapped NYPD officers.
Verdict: Too Soon!
Classic Movie Spoiler:
Se7en (1995):
Synopsis: Detectives William
Somerset (Morgan Freeman)
and David Mills (Brad Pitt)
investigate a series of bizarre
murders inspired by the ‘Seven
Deadly Sins’.
Spoiler: To complete his
series of murders ‘John Doe’
(Kevin Spacey) kills Mills’
wife (Gwyneth Paltrow) and
her unborn baby—shipping
her severed head FedEx to a
predetermined location where
Mills will find it, forcing Mills
himself to act out sin num
citypaper August 30, 2006 19
Movie Times
Nicklelodeon Theatre
Effective Fri, September 1
9:25
937 Main Street AMC Dutch Square 14 World Trade Center (PG-13) 3:30
Columbia, SC 29201 800 Bush River Road, Columbia I 6:40 I 9:30
803.254.8234 CrankNEW (R) Barnyard: The Original Party Ani-
(SEPTEMBER 1-7 FRIDAY- 11:15am I 1:15 I 3:15 I 5:15 I 7:50 I mals (PG) 1:50 I 4:10 I 6:50 I 9:10
THURSDAYShowtimes nightly at 9:50 The Descent (R) 2:15 I 4:45 I 7:30
7:00 & 9:00(3:00 matinee Satur- CrossoverNEW (PG-13) I 9:50
day, Sunday, Wednesday) 11:30am I 2:00 I 4:20 I 7:15 I 9:30 Talladega Nights: The Ballad of
WHO KILLED THE ELECTRIC BeerfestNEW (R) Ricky Bobby (PG-13) 2:05 I 5:00
CAR? A brand new documentary 11:20am I 2:20 I 4:50 I 7:40 I I 7:25 I 9:55
that investigates the birth and death 10:20 Miami Vice (R) 3:15 I 6:30 I 9:20
of the electric car, as well as the role How to Eat Fried WormsNEW Little Man (PG-13) 2:35 I 4:50 I
of renewable energy and sustainable (PG) 11:00am I 1:00 I 3:00 I 7:20 I 10:00
living in the future. With Mel Gibson,
5:10 I 7:20
Phyllis Diller, Tom Hanks, Martin Sheen.
PLEASE NOTE: THERE WILL BE A IdlewildNEW (R) Columbiana Grande Cinemas
TalkBack FOLLOWING THE SUNDAY, 11:00am I 1:40 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:40 1250 Bower Parkway, Columbia,
SEPTEMBER 3 MATINEE. InvincibleNEW (PG) Beerfest (2:00), (4:55), 7:45,
SEPTEMBER 8 - 14 FRIDAY - 11:40am I 2:30 I 5:00 I 7:30 I 10:20 Cars (2:35), (5:10),
THURSDAY 10:00 7:50
note: there will be no screening of this Accepted (PG-13) Idlewild (1:45), (4:30), 7:15, 10:10
film on monday, september 11 11:45am I 2:15 I 4:50 I 8:00 I Invincible (12:30), (3:00), (5:30),
the proposition 10:20 8:00, 10:30
Written by Nick Cave. Set against the Material Girls (PG) Little Man (2:55), 7:35
harsh and unforgiving landscape of
9:20 Little Miss Sunshine
the 1880s Australian outback, The
Proposition is a visually stunning tale Snakes on a Plane (R) (2:30), (4:45), 7:30, 10:00
of loyalty, revenge and the quest for 11:30am I 2:00 I 4:40 I Miami Vice (1:50), (4:50), 8:10
justice in a lawless land. Charlie Burns 7:40 I 10:10 Night Listener, The (2:25), (4:40),
(Guy Pearce) is a renegade. Along with Pulse (PG-13) 7:05, 9:20
his two brothers, Arthur (Danny Hus- 9:15 Snakes on a Plane (12:40), (1:40),
ton) and Mikey (Richard Wilson), he is Step Up (PG-13) (2:20), (3:05), (4:20), (5:00), (5:40),
wanted for murder.“Turns the Western 11:50am I 2:10 I 4:30 I 7:10 I 9:30 7:00, 7:40, 9:00, 9:40, 10:15
upside down.” - Rolling Stone
World Trade Center (PG-13) Step Up (1:10), (3:40), 7:10, 9:50
11:10am I 1:50 I 4:40 I World Trade Center (2:05), (5:05),
The Big Mo Drive In 7:30 I 10:15 7:55 You, Me and Dupree
(803)685-7949 Gates open @ Barnyard: The Original Party Ani- (1:55), (4:35), 7:35, 10:05
6:45, Show starts at 8:15pm Take mals (PG) 11:15am I 1:45 I 4:20 I Zoom (12:50), (5:15), 9:45
I-20 to exit 33 (SC Route 39) Take SC
39 to Monetta, SC (approx. 7 miles.) 7:10
Turn right onto US 1. The drive-in is Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Pastime Pavilion 8
approximately one mile down US 1 on Ricky Bobby (PG-13) 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington,
the right. 11:10am I 1:50 I 4:30 I Accepted (2:00), (4:50), 7:40,
Screen 1 CARS, INVINCIBLE, 7:35 I 10:00 9:55 Barnyard: The Original
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Party Animals (1:00), (3:50)
Screen 2 OVER THE HEDGE Man’s Chest (PG-13) Beerfest (1:50), (4:30), 7:20,
TALLADEGA NIGHTS 12:30 I 3:45 I 7:00 I 10:10 10:05 Crank (1:10), (4:40),
THE DA VINCI CODE The Wicker ManNEW (PG-13) 7:10, 10:00
11:45am I 2:20 I 4:45 I 7:25 I 9:45 Invincible (1:30), (4:10), 7:00,
Regal Columbia Cinema 7 9:40 Snakes on a Plane
3400 Forest Drive Suite 3000, St. Andrews Cinema 5 7:50, 10:20
CrankNEW (R) 2:00 I 4:45 I 7:35 527 St Andrews Road, Columbia, Step Up (2:10), (5:00), 7:45,
I 10:00 Click (PG-13) 10:15 Talladega Nights: The
CrossoverNEW (PG-13) 1:10 I 3:30 I 5:20 I 7:30 I 9:20 Ballad of Ricky Bobby (1:40),
1:50 I 4:40 I 7:30 I 9:50 Nacho Libre (PG) (4:20), 6:50, 9:30
InvincibleNEW (PG) 1:30 I 3:20 I 5:10 I 7:20 I 9:10 Wicker Man, The (1:20), (4:00),
1:45 I 4:30 I 7:25 I 9:45 Cars (G) 1:00 I 3:15 I 7:30, 10:10
Accepted (PG-13) 7:00 I 9:15
1:55 I 4:50 I 7:15 I 9:35 The Break-Up (PG-13) Regal Sandhill Stadium 16
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of 1:40 I 7:00 450 Town Center Place, Colum-
Ricky Bobby (PG-13) X-Men: The Last Stand (PG-13) bia,
1:35 I 4:20 I 7:10 I 9:40 3:45 I 9:25 Pulse (PG-13) 12:30 I 2:50 I 5:20 I
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Over the Hedge (PG) 7:50 I 10:15
Man’s Chest (PG-13) 1:15 I 3:10 I 5:15 I 7:10 I 9:00 Step Up (PG-13) 12:15 I 2:40 I
1:30 I 5:00 I 8:15 5:10 I 7:40 I 10:10
The Wicker ManNEW (PG-13) Carmike 14 Zoom (PG) 11:45am I 2:10 I 4:40
1:40 I 4:25 I 7:20 I 9:55 122 Afton Court, Columbia, SC I 7:10 I 9:40
CrossoverNEW (PG-13) World Trade Center (PG-13) 1:00
Carmike Wynnsong 10 1:05 I 3:20 I 5:35 I 7:45 I 10:00 I 1:30 I 4:00 I 4:30 I 7:00 I 7:30 I
5320 Forest Drive, Columbia, How to Eat Fried WormsNEW 10:00 I 10:30
BeerfestNEW (R) (PG) 1:00 I 3:10 I 5:20 I 7:30 I Barnyard: The Original Party Ani-
1:45 I 4:20 I 7:10 I 9:50 9:45 mals (PG) 11:40am I 12:10 I 1:50 I
How to Eat Fried WormsNEW (PG) Accepted (PG-13) 1:00 I 3:15 I 2:20 I 4:05 I 4:35 I 6:55 I 9:20
1:00 I 3:10 I 5:20 I 7:30 I 9:45 5:30 I 7:45 I 10:00 The Descent (R) 12:05 I 2:25 I 4:50
IdlewildNEW (R) Material Girls (PG) 1:00 I 3:10 I I 7:55 I 10:25
1:15 I 4:00 I 7:05 I 9:40 5:20 I 7:30 I 9:45 The Night Listener (R) 7:20 I 9:50
The Illusionist (PG-13) Barnyard: The Original Party Ani- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of
1:30 I 4:30 I 7:30 I 9:50 mals (PG) 1:30 I 4:30 I 7:10 I 9:30 Ricky Bobby (PG-13) 12:30 I 2:00
Snakes on a Plane (R) Talladega Nights: The Ballad of I 2:30 I 3:00 I 4:30 I 5:00 I 5:30 I
1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 9:40 Ricky Bobby (PG-13) 7:00 I 8:009:30 I 10:00 I 10:30
Step Up (PG-13) 1:15 I 1:50 I 4:00 I 4:45 I 7:05 I 7:35 Open Captioned Showtimes More
1:30 I 4:15 I 7:10 I 9:30 I 9:30 I 10:00 Info 12:00 I 7:30
Zoom (PG) Monster House (PG) The Ant Bully (PG) 11:55am I 2:15
1:00 I 7:30 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:20 I 9:40 I 4:45
World Trade Center (PG-13) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead John Tucker Must Die (PG-13)
1:10 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 9:55 Man’s Chest (PG-13) 11:35am I 1:55 I 4:25 I 7:20 I 9:35
The Descent (R) 1:30 I 4:30 I 8:00 Miami Vice (R)
1:20 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:20 The Devil Wears Prada (PG-13) 12:25 I 4:15 I 7:15 I 10:10
Miami Vice (R) 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:15 I 9:35 Lady in the Water (PG-13)
1:15 I 4:20 I 7:15 I 10:00 Superman Returns (PG-13) 11:30am
The Devil Wears Prada (PG-13) 1:20 I 4:30 I 8:00 Monster House (PG)
4:15 I 9:30 The Wicker ManNEW (PG-13) 11:50am I 2:05 I 4:20 I 6:50 I 9:25
1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:30 Little Man (PG-13)
7:45 I 10:05
Columbia Place 8 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
7201/802 Two Notch, Columbia, Man’s Chest (PG-13)
Pulse (PG-13) 2:00 I 4:25 I 7:10 12:20 I 3:50 I 7:05 I 10:20
I 9:40
Zoom (PG) 2:25 I 4:35 I 7:15 I
20 Horoscopes citypaper August 30, 2006

HOROSCOPES by Governor Mark Sanford*

*Gov, Sanford doesn’t actually write these horoscopes.
We just think he is a man of vision.

Aries
Rats gain independence from their mothers after just
three weeks. Seeing as you’re roughly 40 times the size
of a rat, er, relatively speaking... Nah, it’s still pathetic to
live with your parents at 36, dude.
Taurus
Snort a line of dust off your ceiling fan blade to jumpstart
you immune system for Fall.
Gemini
Retro fashion will backfire, leaving Columbia’s hipster
hierarchy in flux after Randy Dinkle, formerly the dominant
male, strolls into the Whig in an ironic pair of 80s bicycle
shorts during Ladies Night. ...Just imagine a cashew
tightly wrapped in black cellophane.
Cancer
The qualities that you find endearing about your girl are
also the ones the make her bat nuts insane.
Leo
Aw, your haircut isn’t that bad, Capricorn. Look at the
bright side: from the front that shaved section makes
you look like a cop. From behind, the piece that sweeps
in from the side captures the romance of a sportscaster
with a comb-over in a high wind. And, I’m sure you can
paint over that bald part.
Virgo
When I suggested that you take up “collecting” as
a hobby, I didn’t mean your own urine in plastic soda
bottles.
Libra
Nothing like seeing the stars and bars glide up the
flagpole every morning, eh, Libra? I would shed a tear,
but abuse of prescription eye drops over the decades
has eliminated my tear production completely. Joy, pain,
all emotions pass blankly by. Inside I shriek! I wail! Yet,
the gods ignore my pleas. I can’t even weep for my
handicap! Do you hear me? I CAAAN’T EVEN WEEP!
Scorpio
Girlfriend, it’s time to grow up and forge ahead with your
plans to be a kindergarten teacher. I found that being the
town drunk lost its allure once I turned 21. Similarly, you
will find that turning 18 takes some of the fun out those
late nights in the Jungle Jim’s stock room with the door
guys.
Sagittarius
You will find a scrap-- just a scrap-- of respect for Giraldo
Rivera after seeing a photo of him from the 70s, wacked
out, and hanging with Cheech and Chong.
Capricorn
We had another one of your tables cancel the shaved
onion appetizer, Capricorn! How many times have I told
you to stop picking at that disgusting rash in front of the
diners?
Aquarius
Overnight, two houseflies will act out the beauty and
pain of the circle of life-- eating, sleeping, mating, and
dying-- in the pot of coffee that you will reheat and drink
the following morning on your way to work.
Pisces
Halfway through a long jog, the fact that you are a
respected real estate attorney will enter your mind while
you squat to take a dump off to the side of someone’s
driveway before wiping with one of your socks.

“The Big Mix-Up”--no theme, no problem.

JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS
by Matt Jones
Across
1 Type of metabolic rate
6 Senator ___ Bailey Hutchison
9 Stank emanations
14 It’s spent away from every-
one else
16 Resident on the eastern end
of the Arabian Peninsula
17 Struggles between the rich
and poor
18 Watch
19 Sorta positive wish
20 Word before sales or tax
21 Off-base designation
22 Gender-bending engine part?
26 Freestyle, maybe
27 What boxers or wrestlers
ultimately fight for
28 Hydrocarbon suffix
29 Spacey role of 2006
30 Skylab launchers
34 “Lookin’ Out My Back Door”
band, for short
35 They’re seen under slides
37 Network that will cease to
exist 9/15/06
38 Feature of a messy room
40 Zombie’s desire
41 Far from a drama queen
42 Block
44 Naughty-sounding bird
45 “I know what I’m talking
--sending a crossword gimmick the wrong way.
about” 24 Deep down
46 ___ colada 25 Element named for a
47 Genre pioneered by Kool DJ mythical Greek weeper
Herc 27 LOL or WTF, e.g.
50 Belgian composer Cesar 31 Dubya, while governor
52 Film that happens aboard the 32 Body part in a “Wayne’s
Nostromo World” joke used to get the
53 Crater maker other guy to say “What?”
56 Purplish shade 33 Challenging request
57 Racing fanatic 36 Fast flier that stopped
58 Gives grub to commercial use in 2005
59 Photographer Goldin 39 “High Times” reader, typi-
60 Fortune tellers cally
Down 43 Bucking rodeo beasts
1 He duetted with Costello on 46 Deconstruct a sentence
1998’s “Painted from Memory” 47 Almost most
2 Chore reward 48 “Would ___ to you?”
3 “Passions,” for one 49 Feature of a messy room
4 Photographer Adams 51 Cones’ counterparts
5 It may be more, to some 53 AOL competitor
6 Sephia maker 54 Org. that tracks mercury
7 UAL rival emissions
8 Word screamed during or- 55 Album with “Jeremy” and
gasms “Even Flow”
9 Old person, derogatorily ©2006 Jonesin’
10 Outlandish number Crosswords(editor@jonesin-
11 Bottled water brand from crosswords.com)
Quebec For answers to this puzzle,
12 Prepare a necktie call: 1-900-226-2800, 99
13 Trig ratio cents per minute. Must be
15 Movie rave 18+. Or to bill to
20 Requirement to get into a your credit card, call: 1-800-
tournament 655-6548. Reference puzzle
23 Snappy comebacks #0272.
Su|do|ku
Satan Goes To The Dry Cleaners
The odds are 666 to 1 that most
Fundamentalists aren’t going to believe the
following anecdote. Who the hell cares?
By the end of this article, some readers will
believe this columnist is the Son of Belial.
So you might as well know right now that the
Antichrist prefers his French cuff shirts with
medium starch.
On June 6, 2006—that would be 6/6/06—
I walked into my friendly neighborhood
drycleaners to pick up my guest bedroom
comforter, a suit and some dress shirts.
The bangle-bedecked cashier punched
up my total and stared at the register in a
manner that suggested she was being
mooned by an imp of Hades.
“Is something amiss, ma’am?” I
inquired.
She pointed at the green digital figure on
the register: $16.66. Then proceeded to blurt
the stupidest remark I have ever heard, “You
don’t actually have to pay that amount, sir.
I mean, it containing the Mark of the Beast
and all.”
I could have crapped boiled peanuts.
Instead, I wrote a check for the precise
amount; then bared vampire fangs, shouted
several incantations only recorded in the
Malleus Maleficarum, sprouted demon wings,
and flew in haste to the Whore of Babylon’s
secret lair under the governor’s mansion.
Okay, it didn’t happen quite like that. But
what I should have done is taken the time to
explain to this poor soul that she had been
living a fearful existence promulgated by
Dispensational hogwash.
The following explanation comes to you
su|do|ku Puzzles by Pappocom
via a very expensive education (at one of the
most conservative Christian colleges in the
nation, ironically). So donations to pay off
my student loan bill in care of the City Paper
offices are much appreciated:
Even Iron Maiden groupies are familiar
with the text of Revelation 13:18:
“Wisdom is needed here; one who
understands can calculate the Number of
the Beast, for it is a number that stands for a
person. His number is 666.” [New American
Bible]
I’m not sure if you caught the first
sentence of this wonderful translation:
“Wisdom is needed here.”
Because for about the past 2,000 years,
charlatans have been using the cryptic final
book of the Bible to instill unwarranted fear
into otherwise innocent drycleaner cashiers.
Here is a fact not generally known by
the average Swedish death metal band or
professional launderer: The oldest copy
of the Book of Revelation actually records
the Beast’s Number as 616. (Several other
important biblical manuscripts also list
616.)
And here is why some manuscripts
have the familiarly formidable 666, and
others the totally mild-mannered 616:
St. John’s Apocalypse was written
in code. Not a Tom-Hanks-in-a-mullet-
running-around-the-Louvre-solving-
Christ’s-love-life code.
More along the lines of a Christians-
are-being-fed-to-lions-by-the-Romans-
so-let’s-keep-this-message-on-the-
hush-hush-as-I’d-really-rather-not-be-a-
Colosseum-Burger-today kind of code.
The Apocalyptic Beast isn’t Henry Kissinger
or Wolf Blitzer or Peter Frampton or any of
the major cultural personages whom Pat
Robertson would have you fear. (Although
Robertson is a beast in his own particular
form of chicane savagery.)
The Beast of Revelations was a real
person. Keyword: was. In fact, he was one
of the worst human demons of world history:
the Emperor Nero.
That’s a fact, fundies.
As with Latin, ancient Greek and Hebrew
numbers are represented by letters of the
alphabet. In Greek, the recorded language
of the New Testament, the number 666 is
represented as ΧΞΣ (chi-xi-stigma); the
number 616 as ΧΙΣ (chi-iota-stigma).
But St. John’s mother tongue was
Hebrew. Get this, in Hebrew, the letters for
citypaper August 30, 2006 21
by Arik Bjorn
the name Neron Kesar (Caesar Nero) add up
to the number—you guessed it—666.
[Nun (50) + Resh (200) + Waw (6) + Nun
(50) + Quph (100) + Samekh (60) + Resh
(200)]
But the sadistic Roman emperor was
also known simply as Nero—without the final
“n”.
Let’s see: The Hebrew value for “n” is
equivalent to 50. 666 – 50 = 616.
Remember those above-mentioned
manuscripts that state the Beast’s Number
is 616?
You certainly won’t learn any of this from
reading Tim LaHaye’s garbage, the best-
selling Left Behind series.
Why? Because learning that 666 was
merely an ancient Christian codeword for the
nefarious Emperor Nero isn’t nearly as fear-
provoking as predicting that, any moment
now, Mikhail Gorbachev and his turbo-
charged birthmark will bludgeon every Bible
believer on the planet.
If you’ve been living in fear of the number
666 all your life, you’ve been duped—I mean,
really duped.
There’s a term for the fear of this number.
It’s called hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.
There’s also a term for any Fundamentalist
preacher who has tried to hammer this fear
into you: a-s-s-h-o-l-e.
In Greek, those numbers add up to—you
guessed it: 0.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
22 Advice citypaper August 30, 2006

The Artists’ Basement Savage Love

Miss the bacon show?

Art Show
September 8th
Do you ever recommend having a third in the
Refreshments bedroom of a M/F couple?

Quick And Simple

Live Music
Dragging a third in for a night or a weekend can
70 Pieces by Mike Krajewski be a wonderful erotic adventure for a couple, QAS,
The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation or it can signify the beginning of the end. It all

2013 Devine Street 803-727-7537

609 Greenwich Street, New York, N.Y. 10014 depends on the people involved and their particular
For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 circumstances. So do I ever recommend this?
Sure. Would I recommend it in your case? Well, that
For Release Thursday, December 22, 2005 depends on your circumstances, QAS, which you
neglected to share.

I’m a smart, sexy, kinky girl—I’m bi; I’ve worked as a

Edited by Will Shortz No. 1110 stripper and as a “domestic servant”; been involved
ACROSS 35 City NW of 63 Bialy, e.g. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 in a long-term, live-in threesome; enacted elaborate
1 It may wash out Orlando 65 “Me, too” fantasy scenarios for partners; taken it up the ass;
13 14 15 16
bridges and 36 Depraved 66 Distinguish yadda yadda yadda. GGG, right? Well, after being
embankments 37 Item that may 67 Craft that pulled 17 18 19 single and celibate (by choice) for almost seven
(as in this be “Miss” over for Sirens
puzzle) printed?
months, I’ve come to a realization that is perhaps
68 Old World 20 21 22
6 Onetime White 38 Ingredient in a relative of a
“freakier” than any of my past exploits: I don’t really
House scandal Caribbean canary 23 24 like genitals. I would be 100 percent happy being in
10 Salt source cocktail 69 It s springless a relationship where hugging, cuddling, kissing, and
13 Afghan s 39 Took a pleasure 70 Source of a
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 maybe some genital-free spanking was the extent
neighbor excursion stream 35 36 37
of our sex life. No penetration, no pussy licking.
14 Secure 42 Visit Sundance, 71 Hydrogeologist s Surely there are others who share my, um, desire?
maybe concern 38 39 40 41 42 How does one bring this up on a date? “Hi, you’re
15 Scotland Yard
discovery 43 One of Charlie s really hot—can we just make out and snuggle? Like,
Angels DOWN 43 44 45 46 47
forever?”
17 Honey bunch?
45 Covered walk 1 Hooch
18 Actress with an 46 Large vocal
48 49 50
2 Hubbard of Passing Up Private Parts
uncredited part group
in “Zoolander” Scientology 51 52 53
48 Cuarto de baño, 3 Kiln
20 Bedazzles e.g. You remind me of a friend, PUPP, a great-looking,
4 Like a short film 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62
22 Get to, in a way 49 See 25-Across much-in-demand guy who was always game for
5 Chaos
23 Common ___ 51 Field of note?: 6 Big inits. in car
63 64 65 anything. He did sex work, he stripped, and he made
24 In case this is of Abbr. financing porn. The more elaborate a role-play scenario, the
66 67 68
interest … 53 The difference 7 Top-of-the-line happier he was to be included. Needless to say, he
25 With 49-Across, between regular 8 A gazillion 69 70 71 took it up the ass, too, yadda yadda yadda. Then
famous line from mail and e-mail? 9 Before, in poetry one day he just... stopped. No more sex work, no
“The Rime of the 54 Batter s hope 10 Panoramic Puzzle by Lee Glickstein and Craig Kasper more stripping, no more porn. What happened? He
Ancient Mariner” 57 Canon photos, say 32 Rush 47 A Clinton 57 Look (over) burned out and needed to take some time off. Like
31 Not just swallow composer 11 Pizazz 33 Glacial deposit 50 Derisive cry 58 Tiny pond- you, when my friend was ready to date again he just
12 Rocket 34 Onetime White 52 Egyptian tomb dweller wanted to cuddle.
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE scientist s prefix House scandal item 59 Knucklehead
J I V E A S A B C W I T S 16 Canal, e.g. 40 “___ Death” 54 Big trouble 60 Caustic Was he genital averse? No, he just wasn’t ready to
19 “___ I?” (“Peer Gynt” 55 Apartment next comment
O T O E L O Y A L O R A N
piece) jump back into the deep end of the pool.
C O U N T B A S I E O I S E 21 Hillbilly s to a super,
41 Maine maybe 61 Runner
K O S R U R L A R D N E R negative Zátopek
44 When repeated, 56 Distance I suspect something similar is going on with you,
C O M B O N E Y A R D 24 Sovereign
25 Tears, a response to between some 62 Main PUPP. You were a wild thing for a while, then you
A T B A T H I R S C H “What s new?” posts 64 Big cheer took a break. Now you’re getting your groove back—
metaphorically
G A R B T U G E D E R L E hence your desire to date at all—but you’re either
26 TSX maker
O T I C U N B A R R O A D not ready or don’t want to return to form. Finding
27 Sri Lankan For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a
B A T A A N A R S M A N Y someone who’s satisfied with just cuddling for the
tongue credit card, 1-800-814-5554.
L E A R N T D A N E S
28 “Boston Legal” Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday moment will allow you to take things slow.
S L A L O M E D M E N broadcaster crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
W A G O N E R L I P T A J 29 Lake divided by Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
I S A W L O U I S P R I M A a state line past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year).
N E V A T O G A S I N E Z 30 Spanish 101 Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young
G R E Y S T O R M B E N Z verb solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.
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Personals
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www.weeklytissue.com miles from USC. Brand new appli- 20 yrs exp. Call 269-8232 . of it. I want a man that I can be
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ing a female vocalist to sing for a justice in hopes of becoming an at-
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205-6473 ROSEWOOD BRICK BUNGALOW Instrumentation: Keyboard, Vocalist
2BR/1BA. Just updated in ‘03! New PROFESSIONAL BASSIST Former (maybe later we could add drums I’ll give this a shot... I enjoy work-
Twin Size Mattress and Box Spring berber carpet, painted walls, mod- student of JACO PASTO RIUS, and bass) Call Tim (803) 479-1594 ing out, swimming, boating, shop-
are in really good condition. Please ern lighting, and plantation blinds. available for performances, record- or respond via Postlocal or e-mail ping, traveling (especially to the
call 803.240.2990. Cozy front porch. Private fenced in ing and lessons. All styles, all levels. tjpape32@yahoo.com beach!), trying out new restaurants
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PRIVATE MUSIC LESSONS: Clari- to sing lead & backup and play a
brand new portable dishwasher 4404 North Main Street…Great net, Flute, Piano, Keyboard. 20 variety of music, have passport & I am a very independant person. I
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EVERY NIGHT IS A DEAL AT LOUIE’S
Mon
Tues
$2
$2
House Liquor
Flavored Vodkas
Wed $1 Bud Light Bottles
Thurs $2 Jim Beam
Friday $1 Natural Lights
Sat & Sun $2 Pints
($1 Natural Lights All The Time)
Louie’s Now Has
Granny’s BBQ!
BBQ sandwhich $4.50
TRY IT FREE! with chips
Good For One Free
Personal Training Session
FREE DARTS &
(For New Clients Only, Exp. 8/30/06)
Shuffle Board
1125 Park St, Columbia
803-216-0910 (803) 933-9833


Sept 1 Sept 4 Sept 5 Sept 6 Sept 7

Fatback Closed Happy Evan Hennessy

& the For Hour Williams Blues
Groove Labor Day Open Jam
Band 30 cent Jam
Buffalo Session 8:00pm
$5.00 Wings &
30 cent 8:00pm
Shrimp

Sept 8 Sept 11 Sept 12 Sept 13 Sept 14

Happy Happy Evan Hennessy

Have you Hour Hour Williams Blues
tried Mac’s Open Jam
home 30 cent 30 cent Jam
cookin’ Buffalo Buffalo Session 8:00pm
lunch buf- Wings & Wings &
fet? 30 cent 30 cent 8:00pm
Shrimp Shrimp

World
Famous
Peach
Cobbler

Chef Fatback says,

“Reservations Highly Suggested”

1710 Main Street, Columbia,

S.C. 803-929-0037