Senior Capstone ℅ 2019

5-24-2019

The Gravel Child: An Autoethnography

Joseph Nunez
Los Angeles Leadership Academy HS, jnunez102306@laleadership.org
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Senior Capstone ℅ 2019

Abstract
In this autoethnography I will explain how childhood trauma affects the mind of an

adolescent. From the research conducted it will provide credibabilty in how the brain and life of

adolescents are affected by such transgession.

Keywords: ​Pain, Confusion, Guilt, and Trauma

Acknowledgements

I would like to take this time to give acknowledgement to the ordeals that has shaped me into

the being that I am today.

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The Gravel Child: An Autoethnography

Joseph Nunez
Los Angeles Leadership Academy HS, Los Angeles, California, USA

In this autoethnography I will explain how childhood trauma affects the mind of an adolescent.

From the research conducted it will provide credibabilty in how the brain and life of

adolescents are affected by such transgession.

The Incident

I was about four to five years old seeing my mom get beat like a man.

Truth be told I was too young to ever understand.

I remember trying to speak up for my mom, tryna yell “​Leave her alone!!”​ but the words were

scratching and scraping against my throat, it felt as if barbed wire was just sitting there cutting

and cutting.

I was so young, such a baby, my words and voice just wasn’t budging, it wasn’t doing nothing.

I was such a happy baby. I would see pictures and it was nothing but smiles .. wow, those

smiles only lasted for a little while.

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You can say that mama doesn’t know how to pick men because my ma always got the bitter

end.

My mama taking every hit, lefts and rights, until one day mama tried to put up with the fight !

Now my mom fought back, she was always up for it, only to get battered.

Shaking, trembling and crying like “wow why does it feel like my happiness just died?”

Due to the trauma and the pain that was inflicted by moms so called “man”, it made me the

MAN. A MAN who can hold his own. A MAN who stiffens his chest, clenches his fist.

Thinking and remembering all those times my mom was called a “bitch”, oh man, did that

trigger me. Oh man, I would really put hands on the man who put his ​GRIMEY​, ​DIRTY​,

CINDER BLOCK,​ piece of shit hands on ​MY​ mom. I would really wipe his face and leave ​MY

mark on his body , nah not the ones that was left on my Ma, those ones are eternal. Ones that

won’t leave. They won’t go away. Much like the tattoos that are covered around her body...

They’re engraved in her skin, they’re engraved in ​HER​ heart.​ HER​ heart that is forever broken.

Broken yet can only be healed with her children's embrace. Because of these ugly men my mom

will never trust. She will never find the need to find this thing we call love.

Love is what got my mom a black eye.

The love my mom was looking for, traumatized me. The love my mom was looking for was in

the wrong places. She was looking in the wrong places with these self proclaimed men, when
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the love that was right, it was from her kin. But from herself as well. That's what lacked. My

ma always ended up getting smacked. The ones I wanna leave aren’t that! ​NAH​! I’m talkin

BULLET HOLES!​ I’m talkin ​STAB WOUNDS! ​Man fuck that fool. This is my signal of

grief. My silence has been broken. Better watch out. Because I’m throwing shots.

I felt broken down. I felt the pain I seen my mom go through. I felt it all. I been through it all.

Everything mama went through, I was her little shadow.

You’d think after all that I have witnessed, from seeing mama get beat. Seeing mama cry day

and night. You would think I’d grew bitter. No. Don’t underestimate me. I only grew bigger.

Bigger than you’d ever think. I grew 8 feet taller than these “men.”

The lack of a man only showed me how to become one. The lack of a man showed me how a

man should be there. What it also showed me was how to never treat women.

Witnessing everything has helped shape me into the man I am today. Even though I grew up too

fast … faster than I should’ve, I know … oh man I know who I am. I know I will never fold.

I’ve gone through too much to throw in the white towel, I’m standing my ground and I’m not

going anywhere but the top. Straight from the gravel, that little child is running wild. I’m here.

I’m here. I’m going to make my mark much like the way that scabs turn to scars so that I,

Joseph will always be carried with those who have done damage. I’m leaving my mark so that I

am heard. Since my words couldn’t do much I sit and ponder out loud, “Well let's see if my
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emotions can scream louder like an Irish banshee so that the words are replaced with grief and

hurt.” So be​ it. ​This is it.

Analysis

Introduction

Pain... a feeling that not only is felt physically but can also be felt emotionally and

mentally. Pain is something that I felt at such a young age, pain is a feeling that I was confused

by. Pain is a feeling that I was never able get rid of. For pain is something that I’ve witnessed

and lived. This kind of pain is one I will never forget.

Confusion... a feeling I felt like I had no control over .. at least it seemed that way for a

while … I did not quite understand the feelings I was forced to get a seize of but I did it. I held

confusion in my mental. It was locked and denied access to try and get rid of.

Guilt… a feeling that continues to drain me on a day to day basis. I still wish I could

have did more than just watch it unfold … I should have gotten up and put an end to it. I could

have made myself more available to the situation. I was there but I wasn’t there to protect my

mom or my siblings… or even myself. I beat myself up every day for not acting on it like I

should have. As rowdy as I can get I was in fear of what could have happened to my mom more

than I was worried about myself. This guilt is a feeling that I cannot seem to flush out of my

system.

Trauma… more than just a feeling. No it's far from a feeling… but a token of pain. A

token of suffrage. A token of fears that I will forever live with and deal with for the rest of my

life. This specific trauma is not one that I can just simply forget or take medication for such a

harsh emblem that has been imprinted on my soul. This trauma is me… it's made me who I am.
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Not just any boy… No.. I am the boy who struggled to subsist with myself. To be quiet frank it

left me ashamed and I just felt non typical, but with a deep and scrupulous examination I have

came to the conclusion that I am far from “abnormal”. No… I am only human and I am not the

only one.

Study of Focus

Childhood trauma, is what broke me down and had me confused with myself and with

the sense of emotions that drifted me away from people and my own self. ​The childhood

trauma takes over an adolescents mentality and leaves an embroidered pattern of deception,

grief, guilt, depression, and nightmares. All of which are a major key to why guilt, depression

and nightmares has left their mark on me.

While analyzing ​Foundations Recovery Network:How Trauma Affects People,​

understanding how childhood trauma shows effectiveness towards adolescents​ and how the

trauma can lead to disaster. From examining the commonalities of those who have experienced

childhood trauma specifically; guilt, nightmares, and depression, it is clear that these

experiences cause emotional, psychological, and social trauma that affects adolescents as they

continue to try and adapt in their home environment.

 
Guilt.

In the website titled ​The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: About Child Trauma

states that, “Children who experience an inability to protect themselves or who lacked

protection from others to avoid the consequences of the traumatic experience may also feel

overwhelmed by the intensity of physical and emotional responses.” (n.d, para. 7) In result

children who face these traumas first hand have an issue or carry the burden of a constant
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thought of not being able to protect themselves or a loved one, while they feel that they are not

stepping up to the plate when the time is needed.

The idea of not being able to do much but sit and observe it while it all unfolds. Not

knowing how to deal with the feeling of being less. According to ​Substance Abuse and Mental

Health Services Administration: SAMHSA, “​ Childhood traumatic stress occurs when violent or

dangerous events overwhelm a child’s or adolescent’s ability to cope.” (Ducker, 2015, para. 2).

This is a demonstration on how stress that is inflicted by trauma can bring an abundance of

overwhelming mixed of emotions towards an adolescents life and bring a tremendous amount of

confusion along with the difficulty of growing as an individual for the better.

Childhood trauma has an abundance amount of negative thoughts, feelings, and

sometimes actions. Dealing with a situation like so is not always the best. However most people

handle their problems differently than others as stated in ​Foundations Recovery Network:How

Trauma Affects People​, “Just as every individual is unique and every individual’s reactions are

unique; likewise, every traumatic experience and reaction is also unique. Some people cope

with trauma in healthier, more productive ways than others.” (2019, para. 4). This states how

people who share these traumatic experiences in different ways. Having a guilty conscience

falls into place for some. The thought of being and doing more than attempted, while others deal

with traumas in different ways for the better.

Nightmares.

Waking from a sleeping state and crying due to reliving the trauma, peeing being the

only way to relieve the toxicants that have been embraced. The thought of sleeping being the

only escape, but escaping nothing when the childhood trauma follows its prey even in a sleeping
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state. According to an article known as ​The Effects of Childhood Trauma:When It Leads To

PTSD s​ hares that, “Many children are exposed to traumatic events at one point or another.

While most of them experience distress following a traumatic event, the vast majority of them

return to a normal state of functioning in a relatively short period of time.” (2019, para.11).

Having nightmares share a connection with PTSD. The trauma that has been absorbed does not

always just disappear. It is more like an illness that is hard to fight off, it is a fatal virus, a

nocturnal predator that preys when least expected.

The effects that follow childhood trauma are drastic. There are strong emotions and

reactions regarding the topic of childhood trauma. Though childhood trauma takes place in an

early stage of the lives for those who have suffered from these traumatic experiences. As stated

on ​Foundations Recovery Network, “​ Traumatic experiences can initiate strong emotions and

physical reactions that can persist long after the event.” (2019, para. 1). These traumatic

experiences can trigger a part in the prefrontal cortex along with the higher part of the brain,

which is vulnerable to traumatic stress. Thus, being the reason to why childhood trauma lingers

and leeches its way into one's life.

Depression.

Experiencing childhood trauma at an early age can and eventually will show its effects

on life itself. Childhood trauma affects many children as they try to develop into adults and try

to push through obstacle of living with depression. A quote pulled from ​The National Child

Traumatic Stress Network: About Child Trauma​ states that, “Children who suffer from child

traumatic stress are those who have been exposed to one or more traumas over the course of

their lives and develop reactions that persist and affect their daily lives after the events have
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ended,” (n.d. para. 4). Trauma is not like a cold. It is not like an illness that can go away with a

simple shot or even any antibiotics. Even after the traumas have occurred those traumatic

experiences linger. Carried. Dealt with. Furthermore, a pinch of depression falls into place. The

Foundations Recovery Network a​ rgues that, “Traumatic experiences in childhood can contribute

to a multitude of personal, emotional, psychological and behavioral issues.” (2019, para. 2).

From analyzing ​Foundations Recovery Network t​ his means that due to these horrendous

experiences that one has lived through there is a mixed of emotions that fall into place which

affects certain behaviors.

Once depression falls into place there is an abnormality in behaviour. These

abnormalities do not happen within an instant, for some people these issues are shown much

later, as stated in an article on The ​Foundations Recovery Network:Problems Facing Adults who

Struggled with Trauma as a Child​,

Experiencing trauma as a child can lead to a host of emotional and

psychological issues that may not emerge until later in life. Adults who

experienced trauma during childhood may

experience difficulties in many aspects of their

lives. They may not realize that these traumatic

experiences are contributing factors to their

current issues or even the root cause of them

(2019, para. 1).

As people who have faced childhood trauma carry

on with their lives the effects of these traumas do not always reveal itself right away, but show
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effect in their lives as they have grown. Without a rational observation, the same poisons

witnessed as a child can stick to these individuals as they have been carried and picked up. Such

behaviors that was thought to be okay are then being unveiled.

The challenges faced due to the amount of childhood trauma exposed to ones life is not

pleasant. The challenges can include a change in behaviour, whether its at home or even at

school. Another sort of drastic change would be acting out in violence and even getting the

feeling of being alone which results in slipping into depression. Referencing to an article written

by Jennifer Gunn on ​A Blog By Concordia University Portland: This is a Student’s Brain on

Trauma,​ “Trauma and stress can alter a young person’s brain functions, impacting learning,

causing behavioral problems, and igniting a cycle of violence. Poverty, violence, sexual abuse,

food insecurity, and home instability are just a few factors causing brain-altering stress for our

nation’s kids. The ​National Survey of Children’s Health​ (NSCH) reports that nearly 50 percent

of the children in the United States have experienced ‘at least one or more types of serious

childhood trauma.’ Understanding trauma and its impacts on young learners helps educators

better serve the emotional needs of their students, and help trauma-survivors thrive in

classrooms” (2019, para. 1).

The childhood trauma that is being embraced feeds off of the mentallity of an

adolescent. The impact that is left on a child's mind won't be easy to just get rid of. The feelings

that have been embraced begin to alter into depression. The feeling of not being yourself. The

feeling of solitary confinement within oneself.

Opinion
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While conducting my research, I have come across information that was difficult to

wrap my thoughts around. Based on my understanding and living my own experiences,

numerous times, childhood trauma is a dark shadow that hovers over my body endlessly. From

an adolescent growing up witnessing traumatic experiences all the way up until my last two

years of highschool these atrocities are part of the reason why I, myself, as an individual

struggled with many things such as trust, self doubt, guilt, terror, sorrow, anger, and confusion.

In the present day I will catch myself reminiscing about the vivid images that are played over

and over again. I believe childhood trauma is the key to why I lived the way lived in the past.

Living in fear and hatred simply because it was all that I had felt.

Conclusion

The negative aspects from having to live with childhood trauma are quite severe. Having

to deal with a mixed emotional state of mind. One of the feelings embraced is guilt. ​In result

children who face these traumas first hand have an issue or carry the burden of a constant

thought of not being able to protect themselves or a loved one. This occurs when they feel that

they are not stepping up to the plate when the time is needed. Being submerged with this feeling

sets an uneasy feeling of living at peace with oneself.

With scrupulous scrutiny to get a grasp of how childhood trauma affects an adolescent,

the feelings felt from an atrocity like so have been seen as unnatural, those who have faced

childhood trauma carry on with their lives the effects of these traumas do not always reveal

itself right away, but show effect in their lives as they have grown. Without a rational

observation, the same poisons witnessed as a child can stick to these individuals as they have

been carried and picked up. Such behaviors that was thought to be okay are then being unveiled.
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A commonality that has been shared with having to cope with childhood trauma would

be having nightmares. ​The Effects of Childhood Trauma: When It Leads To PTSD,​ having

nightmares share a connection with PTSD, shows connection to how trauma has been absorbed

does not always just disappear. It is more like an illness that is hard to fight off, it is a fatal

virus, a nocturnal predator that preys when least expected. These traumatic experiences can

trigger a part in the prefrontal cortex along with the higher part of the brain, which is vulnerable

to traumatic stress. Thus being the reason to why childhood trauma lingers and leeches its way

into one's life.

References

Children and Trauma. (2019). Retrieved from

https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/children-trauma-update
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Garrett.ducker. (2015). Recognizing and Treating Child Traumatic Stress. Retrieved from

https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/recognizing-and-treating-child-traumatic-stress

Gunn, J. (2019). How Trauma Affects a Student's Brain. Retrieved from

https://education.cu-portland.edu/blog/classroom-resources/this-is-a-students-brain-on-tr

auma/

Morin, A. (2019). The Effects of Childhood Trauma and What Can Help Alleviate

Them. Retrieved from

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-effects-of-childhood-trauma-4147640

Peterson, S. (2018). Effects. ​The National Child Traumatic Stress Network. ​Retrieved from

https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects

The Foundations Recovery. (2019). “​Problems Facing Adults who Struggled with Trauma as a

Child. ​The Foundations Recovery.​ Retrieved from

https://www.dualdiagnosis.org/psychological-trauma-drug-addiction/problems-facing-ad

ults-who-struggled-with-trauma-as-a-child/