Documenti di Didattica
Documenti di Professioni
Documenti di Cultura
18
The Akandes
OUR BLESSED COUPLE
Cover Stories
CONTINUED, PAGE....
Issues. I would guess that the folks you are referring to are your friends. I do not think they are your
parents because at your age, your parents should be glad that you are starting off ‘early’
enough; but if they are your parents, there may be more to this question than meets the eye. It
Godly might be because they probably can read between the lines and are seeing beyond what you
can see. If that is the case, pause for a while and ask questions on why they think so. For all I
Counsel.” know, there may be more to this than just the age difference. If not, why would such comment
come so close to your wedding? Please ask them questions. If their assumptions are wrong, you
can trust God to open their eyes to the right picture so they can see you as capable to make a
beautiful and God glorifying home.
It is always a pleasure taking tough
issues to God on your behalf.You can On the other hand, if this concern is coming from your friend folks, there is very little to
be sure that I keep your issues
worry about. First, with God on your side, you are more than able to make your union
confidential.
successful. I think it would be unwise for you, (with just two months to your wedding), to be
Send me a mail and I will surely get listening to what your friend folks ‘opinions are about your age difference. If you truly love
back with you. each other, and are sure of your commitment to the relationship; what your folks are saying
should be the least of all your worries.
Send all your questions to:
editor@realrelationshipsmag.com
My advice would be to stay focused on your goal and the bright and beautiful future ahead of
Always remember, you. Be determined to prove the book makers wrong and show the world through the grace of
God on your lives that your love for one another is real, authentic and dynamically
God has made a way!
dependable, because you have God, you fear Him and He is the bedrock of your soon to be
home.Your love and commitment to God and one another, is enough to make you scale through
Julie Akhimien whatever anyone thinks. I wish you the very best and God’s choicest blessings.
So, call his attention to it and talk lovingly not accusingly about it. I
would expect him to open up to you, then you can prayerfully chart
the way forward, God helping you. Seek to be a plus to him and give
him an opportunity to thank God for finding a good thing – you. If
he is truly stingy, you might work together in redefining his values.A
man who fears God would not be stingy, he would know better than
I have been going out with this guy for one year that. He would know that giving is living.Your man may need a
now but every time I ask him for money, he redirection, trust God to make it happen, if you truly love him. God
somehow avoids me for that period I need the bless you.
money and resurfaces later with excuses.We
plan to get married but his stingy attitude
worries me a lot. Please help, should I continue Auntie Julie, I will like to know the
the relationship? consequences of sex before marriage or during
courtship.
Hmmm. My concern is not so much of his supposed ‘stingy’ attitude,
as it is of the foundation on which your relationship is built. If for a Am glad you asked rather than assume or take things for granted.
whole year this is all you have to write home about your relationship, There are so many grievous consequences of sex before marriage or
I am truly worried for you and grossly disappointed. Each time you during courtship. First, God is against it. If you are a child of God
ask him for money, he avoids you and resurfaces after a while and you and His friend, your fervent desire would be to please Him.The Bible
have not sat down to discuss the issue? I wonder how many times this states clearly in Hebrew 13:4 ‘Let marriage be held in honour,
has happened and why you on your part always seems to be the one
asking.
Maybe he sincerely does not have the money and does not know how
to tell you because perhaps you get really angry at such excuses or
maybe he is beginning to perceive you as a pest, maybe. Somehow I
think your relationship lacks ‘defined expectations’ and commitment
to one another. If not, why should your request for money or anything
you might be needing, pose a threat to your husband to be? Take my
advice dear, you need to take stock.What future are you intending for
yourselves as husband and wife, mom and dad to-be?
Are you both committed to one another? Why did you get into this
relationship in the first place? Where is God in the equation? Do you
love him or was it his money that attracted you to him so that if he
refuses to release it as and when you ask, you take offence? Have you
Sex is exclusive to the married as prescribed by God, outside of The good news is that, Jesus Himself has promised all those who seek
marriage, it is sinful.This is because, it is a high level of and hunger after righteousness, that they shall be filled.Would you be
commitment, and it goes beyond just sleeping with the opposite sex. one of them? I urge you to and you would never regret it.
Your total being is involved. 1Cor. 6:18-20 says to ‘Shun immorality
and all sexual looseness (flee from impurity in thought, word of
deed).Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body, but How will you know when your God-sent
he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Do you husband comes?
not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the
Holy Spirit who lives within you, whom you have received (as a gift) There are many ways to know, it’s different strokes for different folks
from God?You are not your own, you were bought with a price but a bottom line exists.That bottom line is the peace of God that
(purchased with a preciousness and paid for, made His own). So then, envelops you when you think of your lives together as husband and
honour God and bring glory to Him in your body’. (AMP). wife.That peace permeates your entire being and it overcomes any
doubt or fear or uncertainty whatsoever. No wonder the Bible says in
God’s judgement is one of the grievous consequences of sex before Isaiah 32:17,‘And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the
marriage, unwanted pregnancies which would either result in effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever’. I can speak
abortion (murder of an innocent child) or having children born frankly from a Christian’s perspective.The Bible also declares in
outside wedlock is another, imposed marriage, STDs,(sexually Romans 8:14,‘For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are
transmitted diseases), HIV/AIDS can also come as a result of having the sons of God’’.
multiple sex partners or sleeping around. Studies have shown that one No one should go on such an important journey in life without God.
of the surest ways of keeping safe from being infected with HIV/AIDS With God on your side, you’d be confident of what tomorrow holds.
is abstinence.The list is endless.What more can I say? The guilt that Like I said, different people have different ways of hearing from God
plagues offenders can only be told by the people themselves. but the bottom line is that peace of mind which only you can testify
of. If that peace is not there, please confirm again. God also in many
The question is, why would anyone go through such unpleasant ways, give you love for the person, when and how that love comes is a
situations just because they want to enjoy the pleasure of sin for a function of your disposition.You should feel absolutely safe and
moment? Why would anyone sell their future for a morsel of bread? Is secured with the person, not someone who will defraud you or take
it really worth it? Ask yourself. advantage of your innocence, no. He should be one who esteems you
highly and is concerned for your well being. If he fears God, these
My dear, obedience to God’s word is your surest way of escape. I don’t traits will be apparent in him. I pray that when he comes, God’s spirit
think it’s worth all the troubles.Why would you burn your tongue in you will bear witness in Jesus Name, amen. I wish you the very best
with the hot meal and forfeit savouring the sweetness? Won’t you dear. I am looking forward to sharing your testimony.
rather wait and enjoy all the goodness? What’s the rush all about? CONTINUED ON PAGE 56
The same principle is true for the life of a believer.We must spend time on the non-negotiables so that our
lives may glorify God. But what are the non-negotiables? They must be defined in order to maintain and
fulfill them. In seeking the Lord, I have discovered what I believe to be seven non-negotiables for life.
Each principle is centered on the Lord, bringing the glory to Him alone, and the fulfillment of each is
essential to the healthy Christian life.
18
Did seeking medical help affect your faith or
ministry? Did you feel like God had rejected you?
Our ministry wasn’t affected due to our foundation being our
relationship with him. It was amazing to us, that people
looked beyond our inability (at the time) to procreate but
focused more on God’s grace that is upon us.We ministered
to barren women and they became pregnant. So we used it as
a reminder to the Lord, He promised in His word that he
who waters shall be watered also.This was our standing
premise, that since He promised that in His word that was a
contract that He never ever broke, we were convinced that
He will do it for us.
THEN:The Akande’s Wedding Picture What is your advice for couples going
through the same thing?
Was there pressure from family and friends on the Stand on the word of God. It is your sure foundation - Isaiah
issue of childlessness? How did you cope? 34:16. Seek medical advice.There is nothing biblically wrong
The foundation of our relationship and marriage has always about medicine.When you know what is wrong you can pray
been our intimate knowledge and relationship with the Lord. more specifically.
Our lives are based upon His word. As to pressure from our
families, we were away from home a lot due to the Did you feel like outcasts amongst people in society?
missionary nature of our ministry. Most of our marital years Was it more difficult for you or your wife?
were outside our native country. For this reason, there were We never felt like outcasts due to the grace of our special
no pressure from our families.We actually found out that relationship with Lord.When you realize who you are in Him
were more encouraging and they were visibly concerned and how much He loves you, the love replaces everything
about us and offered support.This may sound incredible but else. From a practical standpoint, it was more difficult for
the pressure from family and in-laws is a by-product of how my wife due to the fact of Biology- as a woman advances in
the couple sets the tone for their marital life. age, her fertility reduces. I had to encourage her sometimes.
Did thoughts of re-marriage, going to seek external Your children are the children of promise, gifts as the Lord
assistance aka see a witch doctor, adoption ever proclaimed them. Please do share their names and
come up between the both of you? personalities with us. So that we can also rejoice as you do.
No there was no thinking of remarrying and visiting the It still feels like a dream even now, please don’t wake me up!
native doctors never came up. People who know us will attest
to the fact that we are practical bible believing Christians. I
remember telling our family members that what God cannot
give to us, then in His wisdom we were not meant to have it.
However adopting children came up a few times but we
concluded that we must have our own before adopting.
Did you ever get content with not having kids or did you
think that God’s will was for you to not have kids?
That will make the fulfillment of the bible incomplete. No we
never arrived at a point when we concluded that it was God’s
will for us to be childless.That will be unscriptural.
How has it been being a father/ mother? What Did your spiritual life change?
can I say? It has been a wonderful experience. There were no big changes except of course for the joy of the
It is so hectic yet so fulfilling.We are eager to hear them say promise that was fulfilled.
“daddy” and “mummy”. It has completely altered our lives
style. I have discovered that it is an awesome responsibility. I What was your first emotion when you realized you
have also learnt from them.They are not worried over were pregnant? Fear, joy or a mixture of both?
anything.They just call and what they are calling for will be When we got the news we were filled with joy and
given to them. Jesus said we must receive the kingdom of excitement. In that excitement there was no room for fear.
God like little children. I watch my little angels and this Everyday, we were filled with gratitude to the Lord and
scripture came alive in me. committed the nine months to His hands. He started it, He
will finish it, I declared to my wife as our anchor promise.
Do you plan on having more kids?
Yes, we plan to have more. One or two more by the grace of Did it ever cross your mind that you would
God will be awesome wait this long to have children?
Not at all.
In reflection, why do you think you went
through this trial? How did you deal with baby dedications and naming
I truly can’t explain that, I do know one thing though, God ceremonies? Were you ever not invited because church
has received enormous glory from the arrival of our boys at members were trying to be considerate of your feelings?
this precise time. We had a joyous countenance at everyone’s joy at their
4. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made
me free from the law of sin and death. Rom 8:2 Therefore,
blessings that it was infectious to others’ Never did they think sickness, low sperm count, low quality eggs, block tubes,
of not inviting us to partake in their joy. barrenness of what of whatever shall not have dominion over
my husband and I. Such shall not reign in our bodies anymore.
How did you deal with issues that arose Roman 8:14
in your marriage as a result?
The bible was our stronghold.We knew God was not a liar. 5. The seed of my husband and I will God establish forever,
Every issue is weighed and mirrored through the Word of and build up our thrones to all generations.
God.We took a lot of comfort from the Word.
6. The Lord makes me to keep house, and to be a joyful
What was the turning point in your marriage on this issue? mother of children. Psalm 113:9
We had been married for three years at the time and had yet
to have conceived.We began to ask ourselves questions. In 7. I cannot have fibroids, I have fine boys. Matt 11:23J
earnest, we searched the scriptures. Read related books and
testimonies of those that had faced the same challenge.We Interview by Dayo Aladeniyi,Tola Ingwerson
prayed and fasted. Our fathers in faith stood by us in prayers
and encouragement. Our families and loved ones also prayed
along with us.We also sought medical advice.
8 But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in
thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;
10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the
mouth confession is made unto salvation.
There is no singular important influence in our lives that The arrangement by God of a family
has come as much attack today, like the family structure.The
definition of family itself is not clear any more.What is to constitute a man, a wife
family? Is it made up of a man, wife and children; or is it two
men and a dog; or even two women and adopted children? Is
and child or children is divine.
it made of a man with two or several wives or a man and
woman cohabiting along with children? What really This is because it is God’s way of establishing connections
constitutes a family from God’s perspective? It has been said that can influence our lives positively when understood and
that since society is evolving, the definition of family must taken advantage of.These connections are put there by God
evolve with it. to be channels of His favor and blessings.The first channel or
connection is the one that exists between a parent and a
When we look at the scripture, we notice that the Lord is
very particular about the family in His plans. In Genesis
45:13, 17-18 we see Joseph blessed and family. In Joshua
2:12-13, we see Rahab blessed and family. In Job 1:10 we see
Job blessed and family.We also see the blessing of God
extended to families in the new testament such as in Acts
10:1-2, 24, 44 and Acts 16:30-32.These are a few examples
of how God’s plans for individuals also include members of
their family.The family structure is an important theme in
the Bible.
He was also one of the few musicians that were selected to attend
the South African Film and Television Market (SYTHENGI) in
South Africa, 2003. Najite relocated to the United States in the
summer of 2005, in pursuit of his dream of greater professional
opportunities in music. He also needed new ideas for his
rhythmic, melodic and harmonic jazz phrasing. He has been
By releasing his Debut Album, GENESIS OF ME, Najite has added a brand
new style and genre to the music world, and it is called “NEO LIFE”.The
Neo Life style of playing came from fusion of Neo soul, smooth jazz and his
native High life rhythm. Listening to Najite reveals the depth of his talent and
his gift os from the Lord to our generation. Najite also has a 5piece band called
Exponent5 which he produces and directs.The group is committed to play all
kinds of music, from jazz to Gospel, R&B, soul, fusion, Neo soul, Neo life,
smooth jazz, etc. He has a diploma in Biblical studies from The Redeemer Bible
College and Chesapeake Bible College & Seminary. J
29
“As the evening wore on,
the barriers came down,
and the conversation
became more intimate...”
Three of the four girls had been in America for many years, before
Sade won the visa lottery with her family, bringing all four friends back
together again.They have been corresponding by phone, e-mail and other means of communications, sharing about
their marriages, children and other regular topics about former classmates as well as the situation in their home
country of Nigeria, while they all look forward to when they can all meet again.
The University of Ife, North America alumni meeting was scheduled for the summer of 2002 and was being hosted by
the Houston,Texas chapter.The girls decided this was their opportunity to all meet, so everyone made arrangements
to come for the alumni meeting.
Tola and Aisha arrived at about the same time at the George Bush International airport, as Tola turned on concourse
A, she caught her first glimpse of Aisha. As if Aisha felt her staring at her, she glanced over her shoulder as their eyes
locked. Instantly the two ladies saw history unfold within their minds eye. A split second later their squeals startled
passersby and echoed across the terminal.They ran to each and embraced.They held each other tightly and the years
melted away. Finally they decided to go get their luggage and board the hotel shuttle for the trip to the hotel. In the
shuttle,Tola brought out the pictures of the kids in her purse and told Aisha what each one of them is up to, they were
still admiring each other’s hairstyle when the shuttle pulled up at the hotel lobby.They both went to their rooms to
freshen up as soon as they got to the hotel and agreed to meet at the lobby later.
Tola started the conversation; she is now a practicing As they settled in Tola’s room, Aisha started from the
family physician in Edison, New Jersey and married to beginning. After graduation in 1980, she got a job at the
Chris (they met at Ife and he too is, a physician but local television station in Kwara State as a news
specialized in Urology).They have three children, Chris reporter, working on different stories for her station. In
jr., and two daughters,Tomi and Sola. 1984 she was sent abroad for a four weeks course in
news anchoring.While in London, she met Peter who
Sade graduated from Law school and worked at the was a successful corporate manager at the shell
prestigious Union bank in Lagos where she rose to corporation.
become an Assistant Manager (Legal), she met and
married Kunle who worked for a different bank; he has Peter had worked at Shell Oil Nigeria and was sent to
his degree in Banking and Finance from the University of work abroad because of his excellent logistic abilities;
Lagos and a master’s degree from Ife University.They the corporation recognized an asset in him.They were
also have three children. In 1993, they won the US visa also paying for his Master’s Education in Chemical
lottery and it was a very tough decision for them to give Engineering. Aisha was introduced to Peter at a party
up everything they owned and choose to come to while she was in London and he was immediately
America. Sade has recently set up her law office attracted to this beautiful woman. Peter is the beacon in
specializing in immigration law in central Chicago. his household; he was the first graduate and also the
breadwinner taking care of not only his parents but also
Aisha is from the middle belt of Nigeria. Her father is an the other siblings in various colleges. His family has
Anglican (Episcopalian) Priest who wanted the best for tremendous influence in his life, in-fact unbeknown to
her child. She came to Ife and graduated with a second- him they were already making arrangement for an Ishan
class upper (magna cum laude) honor in English. She woman to marry him (the parents wanted a woman who
completed her graduate degree in social work while in would make their son happy but that that they would
England. Aisha and Peter (from the delta region of have influence over or would be on their side incase of a
Nigeria) married in Nigeria but moved to London conflict).
Ilorin, Nigeria
July 1984
CONTINUED, PAGE 51
During a personal retreat with God you gain his trust and his secrets are revealed to you.You have access to knowledge
that is closed and inaccessible to others. Proverbs 25:2 says: It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of
kings is to search out a matter.
For example, diamonds do not lie on the surface, one should search for them. But the one who finds a diamond will
not remain the same.This valuable gem will make the person rich, influential and weighty. In this world God’s secrets also
do not lie on the surface, but they are revealed during the time spent with God.When you spend time alone with God, it
causes the power of God to come upon you and makes you “conceive” and also causes you (an ordinary person) to gain the
authority of a king in the spiritual realm.
God would not entrust his innermost secrets to us, until he is sure that we are truly seeking him above all other
things. He must be convinced that he is our first priority, he has priority over our families, work, finances and other
concerns.We make God our first priority when we set out time to have a personal prayer retreat with him. Job 22:23: If
thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles. As soon as we
find God - our life comes to order.
All great achievements are as a result of personal retreat. It could be personal retreat with God, with books or
manuscripts. If we do not participate in the art of personal prayer retreat with God, we cannot be placed on the record of
history. God entrusts His secrets only to those who seek Him. Great discoveries are born during personal retreats. During
these periods new ideas and great insights are released from heaven.Those who despise personal prayer retreat – gnawed
with bustle of this world and the claws of a crawfish firmly hold them
in a trap.
Personal retreats can be carried out for self-
development - to read, enrich and cultivate oneself. At
this time one can hear the voice of God and receive
instruction from him, tear oneself away from the
bustle and outside voices of this world. It is so
important to arrange personal prayer retreats with
fasting for more than 3 days, because after the third
day the flesh calms down and no longer dictate its
terms and one’s thoughts become pure.Those that do
not practice personal prayer retreat for 3 days or more
do not understand the sweetness of communion with
God and one can say that their Christian lives has not
started yet!
Note for yourself that my great and brilliant
speeches are always the result of concealed rehearsals.
Personal prayer retreat reveals secret information and skills which causes you to shine like a diamond in the world arena.
Matthew 13:11 says: “He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom
of heaven, but to them it is not given.”
Mark 4:11 says: “And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them
that are without, all these things are done in parables”
Luke 8:10 says: “He said: you is given to know the secrets of the kingdom of God, and the rest in parables, so that they are
seeing, not seeing and hearing, may not understand.”
It was quiet in the room.The shuffling of papers could be heard, pens scratching against paper and the hard hitting of
buttons.The buttons in this case being calculators.The focus in the room was unmistakable. Ms Tennard’s homeroom class was
taking the mock test run for their state exam today.
The students were serious about the exam in particular this year because there was a rumor going about that this year
summer school was being scrapped due to less funds in the state budget. No summer school meant your next year school
program was going to be a mess due to incompatibility of classes when core classes requirements hadn’t been met yet.
Cesar looked around the room and said a quiet prayer within him. It was his first year in America.This class was so easy, but
yet the kids didn’t understand.They also didn’t like to do homework, argued with the teacher a lot and complained about
Algebra a lot. He did enjoy a lot of things about going to school here, everyone had a calculator, a textbook of their own and
individual computers to do work on.There were so many afterschool activities to belong to! The hardest thing was…..his
thoughts were interrupted by Ms Tennard rebuking Rj. Cesar frowned, ‘Hmmm…Rj….class clown’ he thought.
At the same time, Cynthia was also focused upon the questions but was disrupted by Ms Tennard’s sharp rebuking of Rj. She
Real Relationships Magazine || 37
frowned. She loathed how Rj had to become someone else in case, the loser with the accent.
class to be accepted by the other boys, when she and Rj spoke Yes, the accent.The one thing he still wrestled with in
online on myspace, he was a different person. He was more class, initially it made him stick out like a sore thumb in his
introspective and intelligent.Why then did he constantly class and made him feel self-conscious especially as the other
depreciate himself for acceptance? She said a little prayer kids made fun of him. Fortunately he was a quick study and
inside for Rj. She felt his pain. observed the pecking order of the school, and saw that boys
Ms Tennard hissed and sat down who were funny were popular and well liked. So he strove to
be funny and popular. It had meant losing his Honor roll
again. Dealing with a bunch of 14 status, as he couldn’t be seen as square and he stopped
year olds wasn’t easy.They constantly speaking “Proper.” He used a lot of slang in his speech now
and let his pants sag a bit at school. He always straightened
tested your patience and reminded his pant before he got into the house.
you of your own teenage proclivities. He was two people,
Especially that Rj, she knew how intelligent he was. Rj at school and Rj at home.
However he deliberately dumbed himself down for
At home, he was nice obedient Rj, went to church with
acceptance. Racism was a sad thing, she sighed. She saw how
his mom. A church filled with people from his native country.
the other teachers treated the black boys. Having less
It always made him anxious amongst them.They always spoke
patience with them, quick to blame them when things went
about their native country as though it were heaven and
wrong and never encouraging them to realize their abilities.
America was an evil place. He always had the same thought
So the boys accepted how they were treated as their due.
within him, “If it was so great back home, why did you come
Some even took it as their right, as something to be proud of.
over here?’
She prayed daily for the wounded boys, that’s what most of The bell rang, the exam was over. Cesar stood up and
them were, didn’t have positive male role models in their pushed back his chair. As he did so, his exam booklet fell.
lives to look up to and were scared little boys within. Smoothly, the boy behind Cesar picked it up and switched it
How would she bring out the best in these boys during with his. Shocked, Cesar raised an alarm and Ms Tennard
the 8 hours daily that she was in contact with them? It was a came over. Cesar described what had happened and Ms
question she grappled with daily. Everyday before she stepped CONTINUED ON PAGE 52
out of her car, she prayed so hard within her for the right
thing to say to them and for the patience and love of God to
shine through her to them.
Rj looked at the test paper and grumbled within him. He
actually knew this stuff but has eschewed reviewing through
his notes for time for basketball with the boys. Afterwards
they had a contest on who had the most skills on Grand Theft
Auto, the latest version of the game that had just hit the
stores. He still heard his mom’s voice in his mind.
“Rj, come back home, don’t you
have homework to do. Good boys do
their homework and chores before
hanging out. I don’t like these boys
that you are hanging out with these
days….Rj Rj….”
He had run out of the house quickly. Holding his
Playstation III controller in one hand and his ipod in the
other. ‘What did his mother know about his friends?’ he
didn’t have a choice, it was either fit in with them or be the
loner in the neighborhood.The self identifiable loser. In his
W h en your P
aren
ts
ORIN
- L AW
Extended family is a major part of an
average African family, at engagement (or whatever it is
called in your part of Africa) ceremonies family members on both side
S VISIT
are introduced to each other.When couples have marital conflicts the elders in both
families step up and douse whatever fire is brewing between the two “children”.
This influence of the extended family also go beyond just resolving marital conflicts, the new wife automatically become a
“property” of her husband’s family, hence she has to call a two year old in her husband’s extended family “uncle or aunty”, in
some cases she is even referred to as “Eru (slave)”, we Ijeshas (Yoruba - Nigeria) call a woman married into our home “Eru Owa
(the king’s slave)”.
The parents of the man have tremendous influence on the home of their son, the mother; if close to that son have much
more influence.The woman’s mother also yield some influence as she is the one often consulted by the daughter and available to
help with the children. I have counseled with many Africans in Diaspora where the influence of the extended family visiting (or
some residing back home) from Africa is a huge problem.
Our parents from Africa visit us for many reasons, some come for graduation, some for business, some for vacation, some
for health reasons, but the most common reason for their visit is helping out with a new child or growing children (someone to
stay at home when we are at work).When our parent visits they come with the African notion of what the structure of the
home should be, what they experienced with their mother-in-law or the larger African society.The concept of the “peculiar
marital conflict” (the role of man and woman, romance, conflict resolution, etc) of their child and his/her spouse in Diaspora is
foreign to them, and depending on the personality (aggressive, passive-aggressive or passive) of the visiting parent, their visit
brings about its own set of conflict in that home.
Many couples in Diaspora live a particular lifestyle before 3.Taking care of a new baby or
the visiting parent arrives; now they have to adjust to suit the discipline of adult kids
visiting Mom or Dad. For instance, my boys make their own When we had our first baby, my mother-in-law stayed
breakfast (cereal, waffle or my 12 year old make eggs), Ola with us for a couple of weeks and my mother came for about
and I just make do with our mug of coffee (I think we are six months. I saw my wife (then a medical student) struggle
hooked to coffee) till lunch and sometimes for me dinner. In with both mothers and their style of what to do with the
many Diaspora home, the wife would usually not make stew baby.With her mom, she was able to talk to her about what
on a regular basis because of work schedule. However, to she wanted but it was tougher with my mom, she eventually
accommodate a visiting parent, changes are made to this did (can’t tell you the timeline or if it was with me or not). It
regular lifestyle. is amazing how our parents respond to baby’s need (based on
oral traditions) and for new mothers in Diaspora who have
There is also a reverse-adjustment when a parent is read all available books on child rearing and development,
visiting. Many African husbands do house chores like washing this issue could really be a big problem.
the dishes, cooking if they are home first, cleaning the house
and taking care of the children’s need. However, for strange For the parents visiting to help with adult kids, they often
reasons when their parent are around from Africa, they refuse find your style of rearing your kids different and for the
to do these things again, perhaps because they don’t want to aggressive parent, they’ll correct you and even change your
look like “woman wrapper” or sometimes just thinking that rule in front of the children, the passive parent might not say
their mom would take over those duties (because they believe anything to you but would call your child and undermine
it’s a woman’s job and they’ve always done it to help out). your authority by changing your instruction.
These adjustments if it is going on for too long would When our parents correct our children, many of us feel
start to cause discomfort and conflict between everybody, that rebuke is really on us (I did) and did not like it. Some of
from the visiting parent to the husband and wife. the corrections are appropriate (could be done in another
way though), we just don’t want them calling the shot in our
2. Habits from home home, especially since they’ve had the opportunity to raise us
In fairness to our parents they have their own habits or and now it is our turn (for better or worse).
routine back home that is disrupted when they visit, and
some of them want to continue those habits when they are 4. Disagreement between a
visiting in Diaspora. I find this more common with the men, visiting parent and child-in-law
they want their food served only by their daughter-in-law,
One thing I tell young adults getting married is to be
they want stew cooked daily, they don’t want to eat on the
careful how they introduce their fiancé to their parents. If
dinner table (as it is the habit in their son’s home), they want
you introduce your intending wife or husband as a doormat
to be waited on just as it was back home etc. Some mother-
expect your parents and siblings to walk all over him or her,
in-laws would usually refuse to cook in their daughter-in-laws
if he/she is introduced as a queen or king, expect some
kitchen as well.
opposition for a while and then respect (if consistent) or
Our parents have a thousand and one thing they do at
cordiality with him/her eventually.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 52
40 || Real Relationships Magazine
BY TALITHA PAM
It was a hot, quiet, lazy Sunday afternoon. Many of the occasional pinch of salt or coal to light a fire to prepare the
villagers were seated outside under the shade of the trees or evening meal.
shade provided by houses that had not been burnt during the
attack.The renowned cool and pleasant weather the Jos- On the early hours of March 7 those same “friendly
Plateau people were accustomed to was just a dream.The air neighbors” came to the village but not to smile and chat but
was still and only the troublesome flies flew around like to kill and destroy. Boldly they came to the door and
nothing had happened. shamelessly with a good natured voice they called out a
greeting in the local dialect before they proceeded to
The town had an eerie feeling to it; it was a ghost town. ruthlessly kill their friends.The inhabitants of the village
The air was still slightly hazy from several structures that finally realized what there Hausa-Fulani counterparts were up
were still smoking. Shattered louvers, burnt zinc roofing to and tried to flee but alas they were not fast enough for
sheets, charred wood and pieces of iron and metal that had their sophisticated weapons and their machetes that flew
not been destroyed was all that remained of the once lively through the air. Amidst the cries of help and screams of pain
and bubbly community.The villagers looked discouraged and their once friends exchanged crude jokes before some even
sad. Understandably so since loved ones had been rudely dared to boldly tell them that their days on this earth were
snatched away just weeks ago, the tears still ran and the over and proceeded to gleefully pour petrol on their bodies
wounds still raw and so painful. and burn them to death.
For years the Hausa-Fulani people had lived amicably How do you ever forgive and love
with the inhabitants of the land; the Berom. For years they
had grazed their cattle on their land, traded amongst again…..Is it even possible I asked?
themselves, celebrated births, mourned deaths and had
enjoyed many jokes together as they often shared meals with The deception was huge the betrayal colossal and to most
each other.They knew their names, spoke their language, and the action was utterly unforgivable.What about what the
like all peaceful living neighbors came to borrow the Bible says about forgiveness and love? I asked.What about the
fact that the Hausa- Fulani are not saved and are inhabited by name is Karl," said a strained voice that came from
the devil? I questioned.What about the fact they many of somewhere within the bandages. "I must tell you of this
them are under arrest and would be tried in the court of horrible deed - tell you because you are a Jew."
Law? I argued. None of this mattered to the villagers as many
of them told me that they would not feel like justice had been Karl told of his Catholic childhood and the faith he had
done till they were all caught and killed.They could not lost in the Hitler Youth Corps. He spoke of his service in the
forgive them unless they cried like they did over the loss of a army and his recent return, severely wounded, from the
child or spouse. Love they said with scorn as they blatantly Russian front. Finally he told of something that had happened
laughed in my face was a figment of my imagination.With in Ukrainian territory. Booby traps had killed 30 soldiers in
machetes and knives they had sliced open guts and cracked Karl's unit. As an act of revenge they had rounded up 300
the skulls of their friends. Children they had often watch Jews, herded them into a three-storey house, doused it with
playing football and hide and seek with theirs had tried to gasoline, and fired grenades at it. Karl and his men encircled
scamper away as fast as their little legs would carry them they the house, their guns drawn to shoot anyone who tried to
shot them from behind…Love they asked shaking their escape. "The screams from the house were horrible," he said.
heads, forgiveness……..How?? "I saw a man with a small child in his arms. His clothes were
alight. By his side stood a woman, doubtless the mother of
One of the most important issues that we all face in life the child.With his free hand the man covered the child's eyes
is the question of forgiveness. In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus - then he jumped into the street. Seconds later the mother
showed his recognition of this by including our request for followed.Then from the other windows fell burning bodies.
God's forgiveness, and our offer of it to others, as part of our We shot..."
daily prayer.We are never free of the need of receiving
forgiveness from God and from one another, and also of Karl described other atrocities, but kept circling back to
giving it to one another. It has been said that "the most the image of that young boy with black hair and dark eyes
painful question short of our own death is the question of falling from a building, target practice for the SS rifles. "I am
forgiveness." left here with my guilt," he concluded at last. "I know that
what I have told you is terrible. In the long nights while I
God commands us to love our enemies as we love have been waiting for death, time and time again I have
ourselves. I thought of the Jews that were tortured in Nazi longed to talk about it to a Jew and beg forgiveness from
concentration camps during the holocaust, I thought of him. Only I didn't know if there were any Jews left...I know
victims of the Rwandan genocide, I thought of the brutality what I am asking is almost too much for you, but without
of the Ku Klux Klan, I thought of the South African your answer I cannot die in peace.
Apartheid and the IRA bombings and thought of families of
victims of people like Jeffery Dahmer who had killed and “Simon Wiesenthal, an architect in his early twenties,
cannibalized seventeen young men. I thought of victims of now a prisoner dressed in a shabby uniform marked with the
rape, sexual harassment and other vicious crimes. How had yellow Star of David, felt the entire weight of his race bearing
they gotten over the hurt and pain? How if ever were they down on him. He stared out the window at the sunlit
able to forgive? courtyard. He looked at the eyeless heap of bandages lying in
the bed. "At last I made up my mind," he writes, "and
In his book,The Sunflower, Simon Wiesenthal, the without a word I left the room."
world's foremost Nazi hunter, tells of his war experiences. In
1944 he was a young Polish prisoner on his way to Such incidence raises in the starkest manner the whole
concentration camps. He had looked on helplessly as Nazi subject of forgiveness and love and leaves us begging for
answers more confused than ever.The scene in the hospital
soldiers forced his mother into a freight car crammed with room haunted Wiesenthal. He asked fellow prisoners what he
elderly Jewish women, and as they shot his grandmother to should have done. He inquired of rabbis and priests. Finally,
death on the stairway of her home. Altogether, 89 of his when he wrote up the story 20 years later, he sent it to the
Jewish relatives would die at the hands of the Nazis. brightest ethical minds he knew - Jew, Gentile, Catholic,
Protestant, and irreligious. "What would you have done in
my place?" he asked. "Did I do right?" Of the 32 men and
One bright sunny day, in a hospital for German women who responded, only 6 said he had done wrong in
casualties, he found himself alone with a dying German not forgiving the German. Most thought he had done right.
soldier in a dark, musty room.White gauze covered the man's "What moral or legal authority did he have to forgive injuries
face, with openings cut out for mouth, nose, and ears. "My done to someone else?" they asked.
FULLNESS
not have a family of my own but all around me there are men,
women and children that need someone to talk and listen to,
someone to help them, someone to love them. As an aunt, sister
and most importantly a woman I am able to reach people of
various levels and have more than adequate time for them because
By Talitha Pam of my singleness.This makes me a special and wonderful tool for
service to millions of people all around me.
Last year I turned 40. Previously, I would obviously never tell
anyone my real age. I would just tell them I’m in my thirties or
mention the first figure that comes to my mind.The honest truth is
that I’ve never been afraid of growing old because years ago I
realized and accepted the fact that everyone is born, lives, grows
old and dies.That’s how God almighty planned it to be for every
single one of us whether we like it or not.What I was afraid and
ashamed of was my singleness.
rape this lady, grant me favor so I would succeed and we want or we want done. If He dares say no, or
not get caught” the whole land is full of religion and keeps quiet, we throw a tantrum by bombarding
there is scant Christians. If God hates fornication Him with our incessant, repetitious and irreverent
then He hates lying and any other vice! prayers till He concedes and grants us our selfish
desires which we have somewhat contrived to be
Jesus said in Luke 16:13(ISV) “No servant can according to what He promised us in scriptures.
serve two masters. For either he will hate one and
love the other, or be loyal to one and despise the Luke 9:54-56 “And when they saw this, James
other.You cannot serve God and riches!” and John His disciples said, “Lord, do You wish that
we should call down fire from heaven and consume
The word is Mammon the God of wealth them, as Elijah did?”
signifying greed.To serve money or riches is to be
controlled by it and that is greed. Paul said 1Ti But turning, He rebuked them, and said, ‘You do
6:10(ISV) “For the love of money is a root of all not know of what sort of spirit you are. For the
kinds of evil. Some people, in their eagerness to get Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives but
rich, have wandered away from the faith and pierced to save them.’ And they went to another village. “
themselves with much pain.”
CONTINUED ON PAGE 53
When you forgive someone you slice around the wrong We have all been hurt.We have all been betrayed.We
from the person who did it.You disengage that person from have all cried tears disappointment. Now it’s time to forgive.
his hurtful act.You recreate him. At one moment you identify And when we do genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free
him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong.The next and then discover that the person we set free was us. J
moment you change that identity. He is remade in your
We must have the heart of the master, we must live according to His principles, we must grow up to Him and become like
Him in thought, at heart. In our relationships with men, we must seek the master’s will and become His ambassadors.We must
live for Him. Any other way is babyhood prolonged. Much as we like babies and huggable and cuddly as they appear, nobody
likes a 10year old baby. A 5year old baby is an anomaly.
Hebrews 6:1 “Therefore, leaving behind the elementary teachings about Christ, let us continue to be carried along to
maturity……… Hebrews 6:7-8 “For when the ground soaks up rain that often falls on it and continues producing vegetation
useful to those for whom it is cultivated, it receives a blessing from God. However, if it continues to produce thorns and
thistles, it is worthless and in danger of being cursed, and in the end will be burned.” J
You should pray and seek audience with them to find out why. Many I believe you are asking this question because you have a desire to
times it may be that they have a wrong perception of the person or please God and to glorify Him in your relationship.The Bible is our
there may be some unknown scores needing to be settled, you never guide. Every other book informs, only the Bible transforms.The
know. Much as you and I know, prayer, changes things. Only God can criteria for a pure relationship between a man and a woman before
turn situations around in our favour and give us the last laugh. I God are the fear of God and reverence for the things He values.There
have seen many marriages come through despite the initial are a thousand and one things we would not do if the fear of God
oppositions from family members.The God who did it for those rules our hearts.The world would be a better place if the fear of God
couples is still on His throne and will not pass you by if you put your resides in every heart and home.The fear of God will keep you from
trust in Him.What is important here is to have Him, (God) on your defrauding your spouse, it will guard your heart against the vices in
side and the rest will be history. So, both of you should join force the society, it would keep you from evil, and it will put your feet
together as you look up to God to give you a breakthrough and He indelibly in the sands of time, the fear of God protects and rewards.
sure will.The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers Proverbs 13:13 ‘Whoever despises the word and counsel (of God)
of water: He turneth it whithersoever He will’. (Prov.21:1). brings destruction upon himself, but he who (reverently) fears and
respects the commandment (of God) is rewarded.
Real Relationships Magazine || 57
I recently ran into an old family friend after a very long time. this.With God’s Holy Spirit, you cannot be wrong but the arm of flesh will fail
He proposed to me after one month we met but am so you. If God has a hand in this, time will reveal it and the guy too would perceive it
confused because he told me that the last six months he has and before you know it, things are taking shape for the best and a bright and
proposed to three other girls. He also wants to get married in beautiful future awaits you.
the next five months. He seems very nice, loving and caring.
Please what should I do? If he is married, no ma, you cannot tell him how you feel about him.Why should
you?You should read between the lines now, such feelings are lustful; a married man
Please do not rush into marrying him, give this relationship good time to grow. for that matter and you just testified that he has a lovely family.Why would you
Sincerely, five months would be too short a time.Time reveals, trust me on that. It want to ruin such a lovely home? If it was your home, would you be happy for
might be that he has now found true love in you but you must wait to confirm anyone to ruin it? No, you won’t.
that.Wait in prayers, wait to discover more of his person, the man you are getting
hooked to, wait to find your place in his heart and life, wait on God please.A little My advice would be to flee.Those feelings you have must not be fed, starve them to
wait will go a long way to saving you from a life-time of sorrow and regrets. It death and save your life. God still gives lovely and godly husbands to those who
would also pay off when you discover the real substance of your relationship.While ask, ask God for your own and you would be glad you did. I beg of you, don’t be
you are waiting, you can get to know the reason(s) for those early proposals and instrumental to breaking a lovely Christian home, you are worth more than a
why they failed.Wait my dear, so you will not carry the weight that would weigh destroyer, God has a plan for your life, key into it.
you down for the rest of your life.
I salute your courage my dear.You were truthful, well done. No regret whatsoever no You are right my dear.Any man who ask you for sex as the basis for which he would
worries either, but wait a minute, how did you know you may have problems in marry you do not value your person. If he truly loves you, he will wait for you. I
future bearing children? Is this an assumption or specialist report? Did something hope you’d read about my response to the question on sex before marriage in this
happen to you to suggest that? Whatever your answers to these questions are, it is edition. Now, that answer I gave is true for all times.Your priorities and values are
important for you to seek audience with your fianc?, be sure to know what his stand in place that is why you have refused to be defiled, when the man who knows the
is rather than assuming that he is keeping a distance. Do so in order to rule out true worth of a chaste lady comes your way, you’d be glad you did not succumb to
any suspicion on your part. If the ‘cold shoulder’ is as a result of your condition, the lustful desires of those men who have let the fear of God out of the window of
give yourself peace. their hearts to their own detriment. Like one of the seven thousands who refused to
defile themselves in the days of Elijah, keep your focus my dear, God honours those
You cannot force yourself on him. If he truly loves you, sincerely, this should not who honour Him, He will not let you down. He said in 1Sam 2:30 ‘... for them
pose a barrier.You can both plan and agree on what to do, various godly options that honour me I will honour, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed’.
abound. Even couples who have their own biological children still go ahead to God forbid that you be lightly esteemed.The fact that many people are doing it
adopt children these days, is being sure of what God intends for you to do that does not make it right, God reserves honour for those who honour Him, keep this
matters. I have heard testimonies of women who without wombs, still became truth in focus and you will never regret it.
mothers. It is no secret, what God can do and nothing is new under the sun,
nothing. Luke 18:27 says ‘... the things which are impossible with men are possible
with God’. I’ve been going out with this guy who is eleven years older
Give yourself a break and stop lamenting your condition, there is nothing than I am. He has asked me to marry him but I feel the age
impossible for God to do.Trust Him to turn your mess into a message and your test difference is too much so I’ve been dragging my feet. Please
to a testimony. Let God be God in your life! help!!!
Someone once said and I tend to agree with her, that age is of the mind. If you love
him and are committed to this relationship, age should not be a barrier.The issues
I met a guy sometime ago in a bus and we got talking. He’s a at the core of a successful marriage start first with God in the equation, then your
Christian and he’s got a lovely family. I have strong feelings for love, sincerity, commitment and trust for one another.What your values are, what
him but he is just satisfied being my friend and nothing more. the future holds based on how much you are willing to put into your home and
Should I tell him how I feel about him? above all your intentions.Weigh all of these with God’s word, where do you stand?
If you were not intending to marry him, why go out with him in the first place? Do
Come again, do you mean having a lovely family as in he is married or from a you feel safe with him? Are you willing to be a help meet indeed and build a
lovely home? If he is single and singular and you do have these strong feelings for formidable home where God is glorified with this man? These are the questions you
him, rather than tell him out rightly, you’d be better off just being friends for now. should ask yourself. Be careful not to despise God’s gift. Check these things out and
As friends, you can actually maximize your opportunities and discover how genuine if your answers give you peace, you can be sure you are on the right track. So, give
your feelings are. I must warn you though, that feelings are very unreliable and your fears to the wind and let God be on the driver’s seat of your life. I wish you
that’s why you need to connect to God to guide you and be sure He has a hand in God’s blessings. J
We had been diligent in making sure that only kid’s friendly I sometimes feel compelled to retreat from this secular
TV programs were watched in our home. Bad words are not world and associate only with other Christians. Sometimes imes I
allowed and so forth. only want to listen to Christian radio, read Christian books,
ooks,
and am currently contemplating enrolling my children
For a second, I said to myself, “I think my wife was right”. I in Christian schools. I feel like retreating from all the
even the heard the f-word used that morning by one of the immorality and the violence and the evil surrounding me.
boys. To be or not to be? Do I allow her to continue using But I realize that Jesus prayed not for us to be taken out of
the school bus she so cherished? Or do I commit to taking this world, but that we would be protected from the evil
her to and bringing her back from school? one while ministering in this world. We need to allow w our
light to shine before people. We need to let our salt flavorvor
Right there these words echoed in my spirit-" I do not pray our community. Train a child in the way he should go, o, and
that thou shouldst take them out of the world, but that thou even when he is old he will not turn away from it. God od
shouldst keep them from the evil one". helping us we have brought up our daughter in a proper
manner and we are confident that God will watch over ver he
her
I got back into the house and sat down to study the scriptures. and cause her to be a witness even at this early age. g
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