The Golem of Prague

And His Wondrous Adventures in Dixie

As Told by A Yid in Dixieland

With a Special Introduction by
Rabbi Jebediah Loew, The Maharal of Chickasaw County

and an Afterword by Manuel, Pedro, y Jorge

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 Introduction

Mah name be Reb Jebediah Jefferson Davis Loew, The Boss-Rabbi of Chickasaw County. I iz
the last remainin kin of the great Judah Loew ben Bezalel, the Maharal of Prague, who brung this
here Golem, oleh vesholem, into Ha’oylam hazeh usin’ wacky Keybbalah witchcraft.

I meeself never be acquainted with this Yosseleh, but yet Dixie’s been mah homestead far many
yearz. Yosseleh, who done come from a farn country, only come to mah reckonin’ upon his
tragic geshtorben dawg nabbit of late among his feller landsmen, them Hebrew coots of Floyrida.

As the last known kin of the Great Maharal of Prague, oleh vesholem, it’s mah darn gone
pleasure to brang yee theez here bubbah-maysehs.

Du bist geven a mentsh, a tsaddik, efsher a lomed-vovnik, and thee most righteous Israelite from
Virginny to Jawjuh. Zichrono Levracha Lord a’mercy on yer Jooish soul mah brother Golem.

Rabbi Jebediah Loew, The High’n Mighty Maharal

The B’Nei Chickasaw Temple and Bait Shop

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 Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Golem of Prague Elected Mayor of Mud Lick, KY

Breaking news out of Mud Lick, Kentucky (population 8,211).

The Golem of Prague, the legendary creature of
clay created by Rabbi Judah Loew The Maharal
of Prague in the 16th century to defend the
persecuted Jews of Central Europe from
anti-Semitic violence, has been elected mayor
of a sleepy southern community.

It seems the Golem, known simply as "Yosseleh

The Golem", was added to the ballot on the Democratic ticket when a viable human candidate
failed to turn up.

The Golem's political platform remains rather ambiguous at this point, though rumor has it he
will challenge the Defense of Marriage Act as the law’s terminology precludes the Golem from
finding a suitable soul mate in this predominantly human and Christian community. “I’m open to
loving either a man or woman, but neither minister nor rabbi nor judge is willing to perform the
ceremony,” said the Golem with tears dripping down the muddy rivulets of his ancient face.

When asked how he got interested in politics, the Golem stated that
“defending Jews from marauding anti-Semites gave me a taste of power;
starring in Paul Wegener’s German movie Der Golem, wie er in die Welt
kam (1920), and then appearing in an episode of the X-Files got me craving
the limelight; and seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger get elected to office
inspired me to make the jump from violence and film into the political arena.
If they'll elect a thuggish Austrian of Aryan descent, then why not elect a
brawny Jewish creature of mud?”

The Golem's election has sparked controversy and mass demonstrations in the streets of Mud
Lick, both by defenders and opponents. Yosseleh’s Defenders see him as a genuine populist

3
grass-roots hero, and perhaps a future presidential candidate. Conservatives see him as an upstart
and, worse, an alien.

Wikileaks documents in fact suggest that the Golem is an alien, having slipped into the United
States over the Mexican-Texas border in the company of illegal migrant workers. “They taught
me Spanish, and I defended them from drug lords, rapists, and xenophobic minutemen,” fondly
remembers Yosseleh, “I have made lifelong friendships, and I have been guaranteed free
enchiladas in at least 6 states."

The Birther movement has been galvanized to topple the Golem, now that their Obama smear
campaign has petered out. Reports suggest they tried to send Sarah Palin to Prague to retrieve the
Golem's birth certificate, but she made a wrong turn at the Bering Strait and ended up stranded in
the Russian tundra. She was last seen herding yaks near Lake Baikal.

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The Anti-Defamation League has, predictably, come to the Golem's defense, insisting that
these charges against him are nothing but thinly veiled anti-Semitism, and his election represents
the triumph of Jewish emancipation. "Attacking the Golem," their spokesman insists, "is an
attack against all Jews everywhere. His downfall would give Hitler a posthumous victory and
would further serve to delegitimize Israel.” Indeed, noted Israel basher Helen Thomas was
caught on film demanding that Yosseleh should go home, be dismembered, so his clay anatomy
could be returned to its rightful owners.

Asked what he would do if he’s removed from office, The Golem shrugged and said: “I'll
probably go back to Mexico. People seem to accept me more down there. Aside from the
occasional ‘que curioso, no pareces judio,’ they regard me as a rightous dude, and a
praiseworthy Yid.”

Yosseleh The Golem with his Muchachos

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 Monday May 16, 2011

The Golem of Prague Expelled from Mud Lick

I just received a rather disturbing letter from Yosseleh the Golem of Prague. Yosseleh, you’ll
remember had been elected mayor of Mud Lick, Kentucky.
I quote his letter in its entirety:

Dear Yid in Dixieland,

I write to you in great sorrow. I have been

unceremoniously unseated from my mayoral position
in my beloved Mud Lick. My political enemies
(made up Teabaggers, Fallangists, Anarcho-
Syndicalists, Fils de la Liberté du Quebec, and
Seventh Day Adventists) bussed in an infuriated mob
from Nankipoo Tennessee in order to run me out of
town. They came bearing pitchforks and
inflammatory placards, and the posse burned a
menorah on my front lawn.

I fled Mud Lick in haste, with nothing more than a change of underwear and my favorite goat
Shmuel, while the rabble pelted me with
latkes and chanted “Go Home Golem,”
“You ain’t one of us Yosseleh,” and “Mud
Lick for Mud Lickers!”

I may be a man of clay, but my Jewish

soul aches. My Hebraic heart cries out
for rachmones and restitution. I took my
opponents to the People’s Court, but the
judges ruled against me
(see Mud Lick vs. Yosseleh The Golem,

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case # 2846557) – my birth certificate had unfortunately turned up and was splashed across
every tabloid from Swampbottom, MS to Zunkerville, TX.

I know not where I’m headed. But I know that I’ll always be a Mud Licker at heart. Oh
Bluegrass of Kentucky – Shmuel and I ache for you as we bleat our way across our trail of tears.

Sincerely,

A fellow Yid lost somewhere in Dixieland

-------------------

Let’s all take a moment and wish Yosseleh a safe journey. May he find naches wherever his
feet of clay shall lead him, baruch hashem.

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 Wednesday, May 25, 2011

He who Wrestles with Gators

A recent New York Times article highlighted the tsores Floridians are enduring
with gator infestations, which have even included attacks on police cars. As an alien who fears
the Gator, I have taken my precautions to ensure that my humble Jewish shtibl is gator-proof: I
erected a booby trapped moat filled with infectious opossums, and, on the off chance the gator
invasion represents the wrath of Yahweh, I have covered my doorframe with the blood of a ram,
in the tradition of my ancestors, the Israelites in Egypt. Hopefully the gator shall pass over me as
he comes to smite the heathens.

But I was relieved to have received a postcard from our friend Yosseleh the Golem of Prague on
this very subject. You’ll remember Yosseleh had been elected mayor of Mud Lick Kentucky, but
was maliciously ousted from power. So what’s Yosseleh been up to? Here's what he reports:

Dear Yid in Dixieland,

I've crossed the border into Florida in search of a Jewish retirement community to work on my
golf swing and to rest my aching clay feet; I yearn for the still waters
of the Century Village mikveh. But a goyishe press gang has
conscripted me into exterminating the throngs of crocodilians
that plague the land. They admire my brawn, they’ve heard the
legends of my conquests, and, they say, my green complexion gives
me a much needed edge.

So I now find myself wrestling with our toothy adversaries

(the gators, not the goys) in the swamps of the everglades.
Backbreaking work, but it’s a living.

Unfortunately, there is a price on my head. An anti-Semitic

animal rights organization (“Goys For Gators”) has launched a campaign against me: they’ve
declared a blood libel, accusing me of Gatorcide and of using the blood of defenseless
Crocodilians for Jewish ritual purposes. I'm innocent, but I may have to flee, yet again.
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Your Green Landsman,

Yosseleh the Golem, formerly of Mud Lick Kentucky

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 Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Golem’s Facebook Account Disabled!

I’m sad to report the following email exchange I’ve had with our green Semitic clay friend,
Yosseleh the Golem of Prague, last seen wrestling gators in the Everglades:

Dear Yid in Dixieland,

I woke up this morning and sat down at my computer as usual with my Caramel Macchiato and
Apple Fritter, ready to check my stocks and see what my Mexican compadres have been up to on
Facebook.

But when I tried to log on to Facebook I was rudely informed, without explanation, that my
account has been disabled (see attached screenshot). The Facebook staff have ignored my
emails.

Please help!,

A Golem in Despair

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 --------------

Dear Yosseleh,

I’ve done some research and it seems the draconian staff over at Facebook arbitrarily disable
over 12,000 accounts per day. These are the most common reasons that seem relevant to your
case:

• Lying about your identity. Are you really the Golem of Prague?
• Political smear campaigns. Perhaps you pissed off the powerful ruling class of Mud
Lick one too many times?
• Cruelty to animals. We’ve all seen those pictures of you attacking, fondling, and doing
God knows what else with them gators.
• Showing too much cleavage. This is apparently the most common reason. I know you
want to fit in here in an America obsessed with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, but for God’s
sake put some clothes on.

Yours,

A Yid in Dixieland

--------------

Dear Yid,

I’ve sent them my Birth Certificate, stopped spamming the new Baptist mayor of Mud Lick,
and quit the gator business. I’ve also consulted the local Hasidic and Muslim population about
how to dress with greater modesty. Should I go with the shtreimel or the keffiyeh?

But they’re still not responding. It’s sad; Zuckerberg is a fellow Yid, after all. He’ll get no help
from this Golem the next time a gang of anti-Semitic cossacks plunder and pillage his villa.

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Please try to find my Mexican muchachos for me. I relied on Facebook to keep in touch with
them. Their names are Pedro, Manuel, and Jorge. They are either in Texas or in administrative
detention in Arizona.

I guess I’m off to create a Twitter account.

Best,

Your no longer jolly green Golem.

The last known photo of the Golem with his Mexican muchachos

Dear Readers - I invite you to voice support your support for Yosseleh. If you'd like to send
him a note, email me at gimpltp@gmail.com and I'll try to get it to him.

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 Thursday, June 2, 2011
Yosseleh is now struggling on Twitter!

I just received my first tweet from Yosseleh the Golem, banned from Facebook for allegedly
showing too much cleavage (see Facebook's Statement of Rights and Responsibilities).
Unfortunately he is very unfamiliar with the technology and, due to his Rabbinic training in
medieval Prague, he’s incredibly verbose, used to meandering sermons about the Rambam,
Rashi, and other sages of yore.

He simply can’t get his point across in 140 characters. And his digital footprint suggests he’s
on an iPhone, so he’s undoubtedly struggling to hit the right keys with those big clay fingers, and
the autocomplete clearly isn’t helping.

Here’s what he wrote:

My name is Yoddeleh the Goldigger of Frague. I’ve been disbarfed from Facebutt, so I’m
on twigger. Help me find my Nexican muchachos #Wetbac

I tweeted him back and told him to turn on his geolocator. If you see him please tweet me
@ayidindixieland.

Our prayers are with you Yosseleh

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 Thursday, June 2, 2011
Yosseleh Temping as Security – Guarding a Mess O’Crawfish

I just received word that Yosseleh the Golem of Prague has found temporary employment
protecting Florida’s precious crawfish industry.

According to media reports, a deranged Pensacola resident recently open fired with an AK-47
on a seafood market because they had run out of crawfish. Although the suspect, 42 year-old
Larry Wayne Kelly, was apprehended by police, local alarm bells went off, because Kelly
proclaimed himself to be a “sovereign citizen” – someone who does not recognize any form of
government or law enforcement.

“Weez all down here think a conspiracy is

afeet,” said a deputy in the Sherriff’s department.
“Them crawfish is in high demand come June.
Some anti-government militia’s fixin’ to ruin this
here summer.”

Crawfish, of course, is a southern delicacy, and

unlike squirrel, it is harder to obtain without the
right connections.

As luck would have it, Yosseleh the Golem was wandering through Florida at this very
moment, and, in desperate need of cash, he took up some temp work at “Jimmy Earl Rae’s
Crawfish & Critter Depot,” the state’s largest wholesaler.

“Bring on those right-wing anti-establishment neo-Nazi Branch

Davidian anti-Semitic bastards,” Yosseleh was quoted as saying.
When asked how he, a Jew of clay, could protect a non-kosher
delicacy forbidden to the children of Israel, he declared: “long as I
don’t eat ‘em or make love to ‘em, I’m not violating Rabbinic law;
I’ll leave such things to the locals.”

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I tried to reach Yosseleh through his new Twitter account, but
the Jew of clay is still struggling with the technology:

I in Glorida defanging peafood from neo-bazis anti-senilic vastards. I’m cack baby I’m
cack. #Istinklikefish

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 Monday, June 6, 2011
The Golem of Prague Tweets his Wiener

Some unfortunate news from Yosseleh the Golem, former mayor of Mud Lick, Kentucky,
Gator wrestler of the Everglades, and defender of crawfish everywhere. It is unclear what
happened exactly, but it seems that Yosseleh, following in the footsteps of Congressman
Anthony Weiner, tweeted his own wiener through cyberspace.

The Golem's many detractor's were quick to relaunch their smear campaign against him,
seeing this as their chance to unmask Yosseleh as the perverted sixteenth-century central
European Israelite he really is. "We've seen this Dick in Mud Lick," reads one billboard
spotted on the inter-state.

Although Yosseleh has denied the charge, insisting that his account was hacked by "Goys for
Gators," the anti-Semitic animal rights organization that's been hounding him, his guilt is all but
a given: to date, he is the only resident of Florida who can boast of a 12-inch green circumcised
semitic shlong of clay.

The chief Rabbi of Prague has been flown in to identify the evidence. "Es iz a petzel fun
Prague; a groyse yidishe yingeleh's dingeleh" declared Rabbi Itzchok Shteinberg in a mixture
of Yiddish an broken English.

But the real catastrophe is that the testicular tweet took place while Yosseleh was immersed
in Jimmy Earl Rae’s Crawfish & Critter Depot, filled with the seafaring crustacean that is known
for having a taste for Jewish genetalia, a rarity in these parts. I need not elaborate on the ensuing
tragedy. In deference to our young readers, I am not including the incriminating traumatic photo.

Why did Yosseleh do it? Although the photo is rather explicit, the text of his tweet is cryptic as
usual:

Can't find the crapper. Yoddeleh has to make weewee. Buried in them clawed brawfish.
Too late. Ouch. #mysecondbris

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It seems that Yosseleh's iPhone is partly to blame, as it sports front and rear cameras. While
tweeting, the Golem accidentally snapped a photo at the very moment the crawfish snapped at
him.

The police hauled Yosseleh away to the county lockup, where he patiently waited for B'nei
Brith to post bail. "This here's a clean God-fearing community," said a spokesman from the
Sheriff's department, "them hippies, draft dodgers, pinkos, and greenies cain't be comin' to these
parts and be posting this here smut on these internets; I reckon - Yosseleh is it? - keeps company
with Eurotrash, gays, and springbreakers lookin' for love on our Christian beaches."

There is a happy ending to the story, however. Yosseleh, inpired by the auction of Bernie
Madoff's undergarments, decided to put his own underwear up for auction. It fetched a hefty
$500, enough to pay his medical bill and bus fare to Century Village, where he hopes to find
refuge among his fellow retired Jews. His underwear is now on display at Sea World.

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 Saturday, June 11, 2011
Love Between Man, Squirrel, and Sandwich

I received a rather bizarre visit from my postman, Butch Jesse Joe today. Despite our different
backgrounds, Butch and I have been very close ever since, as a favor to him, I played an
opossum in the annual postman’s Christmas pork-roast dinner theater gala last year. The bell
rang and I answered it and there was Butch standing there holding a massive sandwich.

Me: Greetings Butch: did you come by to show me your lunch?

Butch: Nosirrey. This here's for you, mah Chosen friend.
Me: Why are you bringing me a sandwich?

Yosseleh's Pastramigram

Butch: It aint no ordnairy samich. This here's what,

accordin’ to the mailman's guide to exotic parcels,
what we here call a 'pastrami-gram’

Pastramigram? At first, I was perplexed by the

gibberish emanating from Butch’s mouth, but then
I took a closer look. I couldn't believe my eyes: the
delicate pink texture; the glistening grease slowly
oozing from the corners; the mustard as orange as a
sunset over Birmingham; a pickle greener than the
gators in my neighbor’s pool; and two pieces of
rye bread that could only have originated from a colony of Israelites.

It was, in fact, a pastrami sandwich.

And attached to it was a rather cryptic note, which read:

“From Shwartzenheimers with love; Your Jolly Green Semite”

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Could it be that the Golem of Prague has finally reached Zion? Could he have entered the
Jewish oasis of Century Village? Was my compadre of clay finally in the safe hands of the
Chosen People and their kreplach?

Me: Butch, where did this come from?

Butch: You gaht me there mah Jooish friend. But there was also what youz people call a kee-
nish attached to it. Misfortunately, yer pet squirrel Stonewall swiped it on mah way up the steps

Stonewall is the squirrel I inherited when my neighbor Hezekiel Jackson Scruggs disappeared
during the Rapture. Stonewall and I truly love each other, but, in these parts, squirrels and
postmen don’t get along.
.
Me: I’ll be sure to discipline him.
Butch: Are you gonna eat that there pickle?

I decided to pack up my tractor, dropped Stonewall off at the Squirrely Dude Ranch, and
headed to the land of Bubbies and Zaydies to find me a golem.

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 Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Paradise Found, Pastrami Eaten: The Golem in Floyrida

Yosseleh’s Pastrami-gram suggested that the Jew of Clay made it to his promised land: Century
Village, Deerfield Beach, Florida, an oasis of yentes, mentsches, lemechkes, kishkes, and
karnatzels amid the great southern swamp of crackerdom.

After being on the road for two days, I parked my tractor at the gates of Zion, entered this land
of milk and bubbies to visit the Golem of Prague and joined him for a little nosh.

I found Yosseleh in good form. Despite his enormity and the Green complexion he looked like
he belonged with the alter Kackers, clad in white slacks up to his belly button, an ill-fitting t-
shirt, and sunglasses large enough to cover
two men. It really could have been Del Boca
Vista Phase II, and I kept expecting to see
Morty Seinfeld, Jack Klompus, and Uncle
Leo to saunter by.

Yosseleh picked me up in his specially

fitted golf cart, emblazoned with the
words: “Achtung, Golem on Board!”

“Yosseleh, vos macht a Yid? You look great. How are things here?”

“I haven’t felt this terrific in centuries. These Jews welcomed me as one of their own. They
don’t care about the political scandal I caused back in Mud Lick, my fraternizing with gators and
crawfish, or the Facebook incident, since they’ve never heard of Facebook. On the other hand, an
enlarged facsimile of my tweeted wiener now hangs in the rec room.”

“So how do you spend your days among your landsmen?”

“I’ve been playing golf, table tennis, and shuffle board. I take Essie Abramovich’s pool aerobics
almost every day.”

20
“Dare I ask if there is any romance in your life?”

“The ladies have been hot to trot for me since

the day I arrived. I may be the oldest Century
Villager, but I’m also the least wrinkled. The
men weren’t too happy about it, and there was
a bit of a scandal during the Purim party when
I stormed the dancefloor simultaneously with
the three hottest babes in the complex,
Bluma Shimmelstein, Zelda Fishback, and Mildred Markowitz. Their irate husbands pelted me
with Haman Taschens and I almost had to flee yet again.”

“But they solved the problem,” Yosseleh explained, “ by fixing me up the widow Gitel
Mandelbaum. We’re very happy together. Long strolls on the
broadwalk; the early bird special at Schwartzenheimers Deli,
and evenings filled with Wheel of Fortune and Golden Girls
reruns on Nickelodeon. Sadly, her kids don’t approve of our
torrid affair: they descend from a learned and wealthy
New York Jewish family that struck it rich in the
Underground matzoh meal business during the War years,
whereas I’m just a poor schlepp from eastern Europe, The Golem and Gitel Mandelbaum
who’s into Kabbalah and has kept company with Mexican illegals.”

“So do you ever get called on to protect the local Jewish community?’

“Occasionally some thugs draw swastikas on the bagel shop and trash the brisket depot, so they
come and beg me to join the Jewish Defense League. But I can’t be bothered. I’ve left that world
behind me.”

“Yosseleh, tell me, do you think you’ll ever return to politics?”

21
“The Mud Lick incident has really scarred me aching Jewish soul of clay, because I felt I really
belonged there. I thought if a Jew could become a Mud Licker then anything is possible.

“On the other hand,” and with a twinkle in his eye Yosseleh started to whisper, “rumor has it
that the president of the condo association, Izzy Carnovsky, has been embezzling funds and
using them to seduce and shtupp the Guatamalan housekeepers. I may launch a smear campaign
yet…”
Suddenly Yosseleh jumped up: “I must run – I’m late for my afternoon siesta with Gitel, if you
get my drift.”

----
I left the Golem’s geriatric Jewish oasis and headed back to my home in bayou country, to my
Dixie lifestyle and my squirrel Stonewall, pleased that for Yosseleh the Golem of Prague, there
is in fact life after Mud Lick. Biz nein hundert un tsvantsik, Yosseleh!

22
 Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Proud Papa from Prague

Yosseleh the Golem is over 400 years old and, like many of his biblical precursors who had
extended golden years, he has sired a good many offspring. Much like Abraham, his seed has
multiplied as the stars of heaven, and his seed has found its way into many countries; and in
them his seed has all the nations of the earth been blessed. Over the centuries Golemlings have
been sighted as far off as Norway, Paraguay, Siberia, and Micronesia.

I sent Yosseleh a Happy Father's Day Tweet and asked him how he will be spending the day.
Unfortunately few of his progeny were able to a secure visas to enter American territory. Only
his great grandson Faisal bin Golem of Saudi Arabia and a distant cousin, Slobodan
Golemovic of Serbia were able to make the trip. Sadly, his Mexican daughter-in-law, Juanita
Ha-Golemzalez shel Guadalajara has been detained at the border by Homeland Security.

But he did receive hundreds of emails from the 8 generations of offspring scattered across the
globe.

He was, however, in high spirits, as Madonna will be playing a surprise concert at Century
Village this evening, apparently eager to try out some of her Kabbalistic-influenced pop music
on the Zeydies of Floyrida.

Yosseleh has promised to send me some video footage of the show tomorrow.

Happy Father's Day Yosseleh!

23
 Wednesday June 22, 2011
The Golem of Prague Perishes in Kabbalah Mishap at Madonna Concert

A Yid in Dixieland received sad news today. A tragic end to a tumultuous life. The Golem of
Prague, who just recently found a safe haven among octogenarian Jews within the
great goyishe swamp of Dixie, has died at a Madonna concert.

The details are sketchy, and we should not jump to conclusions. But he didn’t die of a stroke,
heart failure, or a Metamucil overdose, the most common cause of fatalities at rock concerts in
Century Village.

Here's what I’ve been able to piece together, and please forgive my brief but necessary
digression into Jewish history:

To the great delight of the Century Villagers, Deerfield, Madonna came to the complex to
play a surprise concert. For the Zeydies, this was a chance to relive their glory days of the 1980s,
when they were still in their 60s and could be seen in New York’s shmatah district jiving to
"Like A Virgin," "Holiday" and other such classics.

For Madonna, this was a chance to show off her wisdom in Kabbalah to a patently kosher
audience. Kabbalah is the corpus of Jewish mysticism practiced by the great Rabbis and
Tzaddiks of medieval Europe, who used its immeasurable power to understand the deepest
mysteries of the Torah, to achieve symbiosis with the Lord Hashem, melech malchei hamlachim,
hakadosh baruch hu, and – if the anti-Semites are to be believed – to cause a plague or two.

Indeed the Kabbalah is of such power, it was originally used by Rabbi Judah Loew ben
Bezalel, to bring Yosseleh the Golem into existence - fashioned out of clay through the words of
God in the Jewish quarter of medieval Prague to defend persecuted Jews from marauding anti-
Semites. But the reverse holds true, and, as everyone who dabbles in Kabbalah should know, the
only way to silence a golem is also through Kabbalistic incantations – roughly the medieval
equivalent of playing "Stairway to Heaven" backwards during an acid trip.

24
But it ain’t just the Rebbes and Tzaddiks of Crown Heights and Monsey New York who
dabble in such Jewish sorcery these days. Kabbalah has become quite trendy, attracting the likes
of Madonna and Britney Spears, and many others looking for direction and a higher meaning
in this desolate landscape of kitsch, Sony Playstations, and Justin Bieber we call "modernity." It
is even rumored that Bill Clinton used Kabbalah to seduce and shtupp his interns, and
that David Copperfield brushed up on the cryptic Sefer Yetzirah to make the Statue of Liberty
Disappear.

So What Exactly Happened?

Perhaps Madonna did not know the Golem was in the crowd, oblivious to the hirsute green
Semite of clay who towered over the bald wheelchair-bound Israelites of the "Moses & Gerta
Teitelbaum Cafeteria & Auditorium". She was salaciously strutting her stuff, perhaps
revealing a nipple or two, crooning “Like a Virgin” to the legions of salivating Jews who lived
through world wars, depressions, polio, and Tupperware. But then Madonna decided to show off
her Judaic knowledge and started quoting from the Kabbalah (quite aptly) during her transition to
“Like a Prayer.” Had she read up on Golems (and really, a quick search on Wikipedia would
have sufficed) she would have known that the sacred passage from which she quoted is an
incantation used to take the breath of life out of the Golem.

The Golem’s eyes went dim and he collapsed. His ruach expunged from his once mighty body;
from clay thou were fashioned, and unto clay shalt thou return.

But he managed to send me one final tweet:

"This here Jew is through. Please send my body back to Mud Lick."

The Century Villagers are in shock. The Golem's "lady friend" Gitel Mandelbaum has
retreated to her condo and won't take calls.

One resident, Irving Grossbart, had this to say: "I can't believe this has happened. Yosseleh
survived Neil Diamond and even Neil Sedaka. But This? To be done in by a shiksa? Oy."

25
Madonna has been traumatized by the incident. Rumor has it that she's sworn off Judaism
and was last spotted at an Aztec Temple in Tenochtilan trying her luck at indigenous Mezo-
American ritual (which, incidently, includes human sacrifice).

Not surprisingly, Florida is in an uproar. The Golem's fans are burning Madonna's CDs.
Conspiracy theorists claim to have discovered anti-Semitic messages embedded in the lyrics of
“Papa don’t Preach.”

A local Rabbi was called to the scene and issued the following statement: “Ouch.”

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The Golem’s final wish was to have his clay body laid to rest in Mud Lick, Kentucky, a
community he felt deeply attached to.

Whether this wish can be honored remains to be seen. But as a tribute to Yosseleh, let’s
symbolically make the journey from Floyrida to Mud Lick together, by reading this
bastardization of Robert Frost’s classic poem:

Stopping by Them Swamps on a Shvitzy Evenin’

(My sincere apologies to the American literary canon)

Whose condo this is I think I know

His trailer is in Mud Lick though
We shlep our Golem outta here
Slayed by Kabbalah at Madonna’s show

Mah Golem must think it queer

Weez stopped without no moonpie here
On our way through Bayou to Mud Lick’s lake
The dankest evnin’ of this here year

Mah Possum gives his tochus a shake

and hollers there be here some mistake
For th’only other sounds them sheep
And snakes and chiggers who crawl and creep

The swamps are perty, shvitzy and deep

But weez got promises to keep
And miles to go before weez sleep
And miles to go before weez sleep

Oleh Vesholem, Golem

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 Sunday, June 26, 2011
“If a Jew Could Become a Mud Licker Then Anything is Possible”

The good citizens of Mud Lick Kentucky have been engaged in a heated debate since hearing
about the tragic death of Yosseleh the Golem of Prague: should we honor the central European
Jew of clay with a monument in the town square of this erstwhile sleepy southern community?

The Golem had a brief but tumultuous career in the dirty politics of Mud Lick. His election as
mayor earlier this year galvanized activists across the political spectrum.

His detractors, a loose coalition of Birthers, Teabaggers, Seventh-Day

Adventists, and Daughters of the Confederacy hurled some nasty charges
at him: he was accused of being an alien, an illegal immigrant, a
socialist, a Satanist, a Mason, a Mexican, and of having an unchristian
inhuman soul.

But he had numerous supporters drawn to him from across the

nation who saw him as a champion of minority rights, a would-be
spokesman for the eternally oppressed, and perhaps a future
Presidential candidate. They maintained that his persecution revealed
the persistence of anti-Semitism in America.

That Yosseleh, the Jew of clay, had numerous love affairs –

ones that often transcended the boundaries of class, race, gender,
religion, species, and phylum – only increased his notoriety and
even landed him in court more than once (See for instance,
Yosseleh the Golem and Lemuel the Lemur vs. the State
of Kentucky, 347 U.S. 483 [2011], colloquially known
as “The Golem-Monkey Trial”).
The Golem Monument in Mud Lick, KY

Yosseleh was ousted from power and expelled in infamy from Mud Lick. Like Charlton Heston
in The Ten Commandments, he was taken by tractor to the edge of town and dumped on the side
of the road with nothing more than a change of underwear and an aching soul:

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 Into the blistering wilderness of Bayou,
the man who walked with Crackers now walks alone.
Torn from the pinnacle of power,
stripped of all rank and earthly wealth,
a forsaken Golem without a trailer, without a hope,
his Judaic soul of clay in turmoil

All alone and suffering from severe depression, he embarked upon a feverish journey of
survival and sustenance, leading him into all sorts of intrigue involving gators, crawfish,
Facebook defamation, and Twitter-porn. But he finally attained refuge in the great southern
Jewish oasis of Century Village. There he found love, lox, and landsmen, his own folks, the
pastrami fressers who open their hearts and condos to all Jews: Orthodox, Reform, human, or
clay.

Yosseleh’s unexpected death at a Madonna concert was thus all the more tragic, as he had
finally found salvation among Semites.

But in an unexpected and welcome twist, the citizens of Mud Lick have come to terms with
their past, and have decided to honor Yosseleh. The town was humbled
to have learned that the Golem’s final wish was to be buried in
Mud Lick, which he always cherished as his true home.

One resident, Bobby Joe Jackson Jr, had this to say: “That
there Golem wuz a dang heck of a grand ole' mentsch. He done
much good in Dixie praise Jesus. I reckon he could’ve made
this here community a better place. So weez all swallered our
pride and do dee-clare that he be kith and kin; he gahts the
soul of a Southerner, the ruach of a Judeo-Cracker, the kishkas
of a Mud Licker. But we gaht stubb’rn traditions here in da
South; that dang Kentucky chutzpah , the insular mentalités of
this dang nabbed goyishe gemeinschaft done in this here poor
shlep of clay.”
Bobby Yossel Clay-Jackson Jr.
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In solidarity, Bobby Joe has changed his name to Bobby Yossel Clay-Jackson Jr., and, he has
vowed, “when mah missus hatches me a young’n we be callin’em Bobby Yossel Clay-Jackson
III.” I reckon them Golem will be as giddy as a goat wherever’therez’abouts he be finding
himself, oleh vahsholem.

Mud Lickers have had their eyes opened by the Golem’s suffering; they now view the world
from a new perspective and seek to make Mud Lick an exemplary modern southern community.
They have legalized gay marriage, teach evolution in Kindergarten, and even pass out condoms
at the crawfish depot. The laws governing the recreational use of livestock inside the home are
under review. B’nei Brith and the JNF have opened up local branches and at least 12 Mud
Lickers have made aliyah to Israel.

Jdate, the most popular Jewish dating website, has had thousands of enrolments from young
Christian females throughout the region, eager to score a Jewish soulmate. One Southern belle’s
profile boldly states:

“This here shiksa from Mud Lick ain’t no hick; I be lookin’ for a Yid to taste mah latkehs
and sample mah grits.”

The Golem monument now stands in downtown Mud Lick between the Civil War Memorial
and the Colonel Sanders Mausoleum.

Yosseleh's once said: "if a Jew could become a Mud Licker then anything is possible."
This is now Mud Lick’s official slogan.

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 Afterword: A Letter from The Golem’s Mexican Muchachos

A Yid in Dixieland is thrilled to have received a letter from Yosseleh The Golem’s Mexican
friends Manuel, Pedro, and Jorge. You’ll remember that Yosseleh originally entered the United
States with his amigos, crossing the Texas border. Yosseleh devoted his time and energy to
finding his friends who, it seems, were swept up in a bizarre adventutre themselves.

Saludos, El Yid en Dixieland! Manuel, Pedro, Jorge, and Yosseleh

Esto is Manuel, Pedro, y Jorge, los 3

amigos of José El Golem de Praga. We
come to Estados Unidos with El Golem,
but lose our amigo judio of clay in Texas.
We go to Kentucky to find him, but la
policia, tfu tfu tfu, put us in la detención
in Tennessee. We yell “El Golem, El
Golem! Clay Jew en Mud Lick!” and
they take us to Cuba, and tell us we Musulmanes from el desierto.

In Guantanamo Bay la policia scream “We make you talk!” They make us to eat carne de
cerdo, el bacon and el jamón – and to touch pretty ladies. We enjoy, but still no comprender.
Soon two weeks past and they tell us we leave. They say “where you from?” “We say
Guadalajara,” but they no comprender. They send us to Kandahar.

Now we stuck in Afghanistan, but todo está bien. We open first Afghan Mexican Taquería –
“El Tacostan.” Los Musulmanes say muy delicioso. But we have big fight with Jorge. He go to
Kabul and make new restaurante “El Enchiladabad.”

We are muy triste when José El Golem de Praga got dead. Nuestro Muchacho! We have no
more gusta for La Pendeja Madonna y ella Kabbalah witchcraft.

Oleh vesholem, el Golem, nuestro Jewish muchacho from the clay,

Manuel, Pedro, y Jorge

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 About The Author

A Yid in Dixieland is a professional Jew in the Deep South, battling swamps, gators, and Bible
Thumpers. My intestines are laden with grits and perhaps a critter or two.
Follow me on Twitter: @ayidindixieland

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