After reading your essay, I thought that your argument was how learning German

affected your life. There were a few sentences where you explicitly explained what you were

hoping to get out of learning German, like the second half of your introductory paragraph.

However, I think that you could add some more detail about how German affected or is going to

affect your life, or how it changed you for the better. When it comes to sensory details in your

essay, I think you do a good job of conveying your emotions throughout the essay. However, I

think it would be helpful if you included more sensory details in your opening sentence or two to

help set the scene and have your reader feel your nervousness.

There are a few points in your essay that I really like, but that I think you could expand a

little more on. For example, I liked how you included that you might want to live in Germany,

and I think it would add a lot to your essay if you also included in more detail how learning

German inspired you to want to carry out this dream. In addition, I really like how you said that

German helped bring you out of your comfort zone by having to speak in class. If you added a

few more details about this I think it would really help you to connect to the reader because it is a

problem that some people really struggle with. I didn’t see any irrelevant details, but I think that

you may have spent too much time on why you wanted to learn German, and not enough time on

how learning German changed/affected you.

I think the form of this essay fits your argument well. I like how you start out in your first

paragraph with the first few weeks of German class and a brief overview of how German

affected you, then you go back in the next paragraph and talk about how you came across

German. I think that the rest of the essay is organized well and follows a clear pattern of talking

about why you chose German and how that specifically affected you.
 I think that you should talk less about why you chose German because it gets a little bit

repetitive at points, and you should expand more on how German changed you. You touched a

lot of really good points in your essay on how German affected you, like how it took you out of

your comfort zone, how it made you want to spend time abroad in Germany, and how there are

different clubs that you could get involved in. I think that if you put more detail into these points

it would make this essay amazing. All in all, I think this is a great essay and I really like this

story.