12 Toxic Behaviors That Push People Away From You

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12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away From You
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Your behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.
In our line of work, Angel and I hear from hundreds of coaching clients every month. Through this
experience, we’ve come across scores of toxic behaviors that push people away from each other. And
we’ve witnessed the devastation these behaviors cause – to relationships, to personal and professional
growth, and to the general well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone in
their life.
Let’s be honest – we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another. None of us are immune
to occasional toxic mood swings, but many people are more evolved, balanced and aware, and such
occurrences happen only rarely in their lives.
Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just a once in a blue moon phenomena, it’s
critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving
negatively, and consciously shift your mindset when necessary.
The twelve most common toxic behaviors we see are:
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1. Being envious of everyone else. – Don’t let envy (or jealously) get the best of you. Envy is the art of
counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. There is nothing attractive or admirable
about this behavior. So stop comparing your journey with everyone else’s. Your journey is YOUR
journey, NOT a competition. You are in competition with one person and one person only –
yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. If you want to measure your progress,
compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
2. Taking everything too personally. – People are toxic to be around when they believe that
everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them.
The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s
reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think
you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them. I’m not suggesting we
should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and
sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive
and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own
intuition and wisdom as your guide. (Read The Four Agreements.)
3. Acting like you’re always a victim. – Another toxic behavior is persistent complaining that fuels
your sense of victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no
power over the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck. Working as a life coach
with people who have suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all
around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than
we initially believe. When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim,
you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this
reality.
4. Hoarding pain and loss. – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger,
love or loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But oftentimes
letting go is the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the past. You’ve got to
emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the
past and the pain it brings you. Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but
it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
5. Obsessive negative thinking. – It’s very hard to be around people who refuse to let go of negativity
– when they ruminate and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have
happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to
see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s happening. Pessimism is one thing
– but remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another. Only seeing the negative, and
operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and
living, and you can change that.
6. Lack of emotional self-control. – An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone
around you. We all know these people – those who explode in anger and tears over the smallest
hiccup or problem. Yelling at the grocery store clerk for the long line, screaming at an employee for
a small error she made, or losing it with your daughter for spilling juice on the floor. If you find
that you’re overly emotional, losing your cool at every turn, you may need some outside assistance
to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your inner angst.
There’s more to it than what appears on the surface. An independent perspective – and a new kind
of support – can work wonders. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Happiness” chapter of 1,000
Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
7. Making superficial judgments about others. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show
you. Remember, what you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or
what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain. Alas, when another person
tries to make you suffer in some small way, it is usually because they suffer deep within
themselves. Their suffering is simply spilling over. They do not need punishment or ridicule, they
need help. If you can’t help them, let them be.
8. Cruelty (or lacking empathy and compassion). – One of the most toxic behaviors – cruelty – stems
from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online and in
the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to others just because they can. They
tear people down online in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield. Cruelty,
backstabbing, and hurting others for any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well. If you find
yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find
compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all in this together.
9. Cheating and cutting moral corners simply because you can. – Cheating is a choice, not a
mistake, and not an excuse! If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of
something, don’t think that this person is a fool. Realize that this person trusted you much more
than you ever deserved. Be bigger than that. Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.
Don’t cheat. Be honest with yourself and everyone else. Do the right thing. Integrity is the essence
of everything successful.
10. Hiding your truth. – People cannot connect with you if you’re constantly trying to hide from
yourself. And this becomes a truly toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false
persona. So remember, no matter what age, race, sex, or sexuality you are, underneath all your
external decorations you are a pure, beautiful being – each and every one of us are. We each have
light to shine, and missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on
the weird side, your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all
means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. Don’t deny
yourself, improve yourself. (Read The Untethered Soul.)
11. Needing constant validation. – People who constantly strive for validation by others are
exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their
worth over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are
unintentionally toxic and draining. Know this. Over-attaching to how things have to look to others
can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down. There is a bigger picture to your life,
and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses. It’s about the journey, the process,
the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you
allow yourself to participate in.
12. Being a stubborn perfectionist. – As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of
perfection. We do so when we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover. The
problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state. Because life is a continual
journey, constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow –
that perfect house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. But with a
little patience and an open mind, over time, that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home.
That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding career. That imperfect friend evolves into a steady
shoulder to lean on. And that imperfect lover evolves into a reliable lifelong companion. It’s just a
matter of letting perfectionism GO.
The floor is yours…
If you can relate to any of these toxic behaviors, remember, you are not alone. We all have unhealthy
personalities buried deep within us that have the potential to sneak up on us sometimes. As stated
above, the key is awareness – recognizing these behaviors and stopping them in their tracks.
So, what toxic behaviors (or mood swings) sometimes sneak up on you? What toxic behaviors push you
away from others? How do you cope? Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Brett Arthur Donar
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76 Comments
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76 Comments
Larry Hickman
August 10th, 2014 at 9:17 pm
A toxic behavior of mine that I’ve been working on: “Shoulding everything” - I “should” myself way
too much! Instead of just being, I tell myself that I “should” start a load of laundry; my house
“should” be as nice as my friends homes; I “should” be working out like all my co-workers; it’s like
by doing the “shoulds” then I’ll be happy and successful, but will I? This answer I’ve learned is “no.”
In fact all I do is drive myself and those who love me nuts.
My sister put it very well when she retired. When asked what she was going to do to be happy, she
said she was going to become a “human being” instead of a “human doing”. I like that sentiment.
Marsha Lee
The first one is a toxic behavior of mine that I am working on fixing - being envious or jealous of
others and comparing myself to others.
Envy means you are focusing on what others have or do and believe that they have it better than
you. Similarly, in comparing yourself to others, you often think the other person knows better or
does something better than you do.
I know very well that this way thinking is destructive. And I am really working on making changes.
It’s a struggle sometimes though.
Great reminders in this post.
Dev
In the past I often let self-deception get the best of me in so many ways, and it was so toxic to my
wellbeing and my relationships. I let the little negative voices in my head run rampant. They
basically scared me out of living and growing to my potential in all walks of life.
The bottom line is that listening to your own lies and refusing to admit that they are nonsense is a
sure road to regret.
These days I’ve been calling myself out and have become much better at stating the truth in my
head. In most cases: “I’m not doing these things because I am SCARED, not because I don’t want to.”
As always, thank you for the continued guidance through your blog, book, etc.
Romina
I liked this post too, and also the comment that Mr. Hickman said.
I think another destructive behaviour that is very usual nowadays (and it is not addressed enough)
is the lack of focus in what you are actually doing. There is a tendency of doing everything quickly,
non-thinking critically, scheming instead of looking and multi-tasking. This is an attitude increased
by the use of tv watching and social media. Not that I don’t think that there are positive
consequences of those creations - but rather that I can see people are less concentrated on the
“present” and the current people standing in front of them since they are always looking for the
next adrenaline rush, whether virtually or physically.
I am trying to improve this a little bit each day, for example, by taking the time to comment on this
article instead of just leaving it as another random reading I have read in two minutes and in
which, in two more, I will no longer remember. I am sure this time I WILL remember it, and I hope,
if I could express myself clearly enough, it will serve other people as well.
We need to appreciate each moment as much as possible =)
Chad Haynes
August 11th, 2014 at 2:34 am
Great post, once again.
It’s amazing how much pain and tension comes from our sense of identification. Seeing ourselves as
separate to the environment and to each other, when really it’s all one.
We go to space? We take our environment with us, or we perish. We weren’t born into this world,
we were born out of it.
motay
Wonderful, wonderful!
Jules
Reading all your tips for having a productive life has been an effective strategy for me to get
through whatever comes my way. This list is incredible and genuine. It reminded of many things
that I want and can accomplish, yet I procrastinate endlessly. I thank you as your words of wisdom
add great changes to the way I think and act each day.
Kwesi Anim
The toxicity I have been fighting with is dealing with negative people - I worked with this guy for
close to 3yrs and he is a manipulative cheat. Everyone complained of him and could not stand him.
Luckily for us the project we were working on was subcontracted to a new director who made me
the project manager. With this cheat with the old setup, the funny thing was he still wanted to
control our part which I resisted and made it clear that I would resign if he was allowed to
influence anything. Anyway, dealing with toxic behaviors and people is tough. Thanks for the post.
Marilyn
What you wrote on #7 brings to mind a quote I have to tell myself often. ‘Do not take to heart an
unkind word. It is just the echo of another’s hurt you’ve heard.’
zaby
This is a powerful post that I will pass along to others. More people should read it.
Suzanne Schiavoni
I loved this blog because it hit home. Although I feel loved by my husband, and a few close friends, I
find myself unliked by many… I am guilty of many of the offenses listed above. I’m in a constant
state of guilt and wishing… Come to think of it, even reading the blog made me feel guilty… Ugh.
I loved the suggestions you gave, and appreciate your insight.
Kim
Thank you for this post! It has helped me see where I’ve improved, and where I need to focus and
grow!
Sharon
I find all your articles brilliant. Listing in points makes the quality information - the help - so
accessible. I loved this one, but a bit disgruntled to realise how many of the points relate to me!
With this article I will do what I occasionally do with some of your articles and that is print it off
and re-read it at random - to remind myself of how to think, how to be, how to try and be the best
me! As Romina said it is easy just to rush through articles and, however good they are, they
sometimes still just end up, unwittingly, in a mental dustbin.
Thank you so much for these articles. I will try to keep these points in mind.
Carol
Oh oh….got a “perfect” 12 out of 12 score. Have much to work on. Thank you so much for this post.
Was just what I needed. My stomach dropped a little more as I moved down the list and realized
this is who I have let myself become. Hopefully, these choices I’ve made will not be static and my
perfectly toxic behavior will change….now.
Val
I have spent the last five years or more “Hiding My Truth”. When I tested the water to be more open
and authentic ; it usually did not go well. People disappear when truth is ugly. Even my close friends
and much of my family fade away or into the background. My truth is ugly and I feel like # 2 -6
because the trauma and ugly have worn down my resilience, my ability to discern through the
emotional pain, and my strength to hold back my emotions is non existent anymore especially if I
make the attempt to “Tell my Truth” I cry! Do you realize how many ghosts (people that are in pain)
are walking amongst you at any given time? They try to hide themselves lest they make you too
uncomfortable. While there is some good information in all of these tips it really is not black and
white all the time. We must take the information that applies.
Kate
I have lived a long life and in my 80s now, so have learned, I hope, most of life’s lessons.
Yet I think I must still have one kind of toxic behaviour. I constantly do what good I can and often
give much time and thought to giving support to others, usually younger than me. It always comes
as a shock when so often when the people I help, having sorted their problem out, totally disappear
from my life and do not even send a card at Christmas.
Then I confess I do say “I wonder why I bother” Maybe the ‘victim’ syndrome?
I get over it of course but that first sadness is always there.
jean
I really like your blog… I start reading your articles when I am down. I realized that we can change
everything but we have to start building positive behaviors into our lives
Thank you Marc and Angel…more power to you.

Mary
Thank you so much for all the insights! Several are great reminders of things I need to work on
improving in my own life. I especially loved the point about how you when you hide yourself, it is
truly damaging to both yourself as well as others who only get a false impression of you. I know that
I often hold back on who I am, though I am getting much better about it by engaging in love and
acceptance of myself, out of fear of being rejected for who I really am. The pain of not being myself
though is finally starting to win out over the fear of not pleasing others. I appreciate the take on it
being deceptive to not give people an opportunity to see the real you. Thank you so much for your
daily reminders!
Lei Lani Lucero

Thank you so very much for this list. I opened it, thinking I could find some help for my roommate,
who I view as being overly negative, and I found descriptions of MY behavior in this list, especially
when I am dealing with her. Thank you for, once again, opening my eyes to the greater purpose of
helping myself to become the best me that I am. I am trying to live a life of gratitude, and
meaningful purpose, and your words, and the words of those who read and comment, are sincerely
helping me.
So, Marc and Angel, and your readers who take the time to think and comment and reach out to all
of us, a heartfelt “thank you” from another inhabitant on this rock hurtling through space trying to
make a difference.
Kombain Cinn
Thank you. Feeling guilty all the way. Will make more effort on letting go.
Renee
I got a divorce around a year and a half ago and before I left that relationship of 28 years, I think I
exhibited all if not 90% of these behaviors. I was always unhappy, seeing my friends treating their
wives so sweetly and kindly, acting gracious, and I felt like my husband just ignored me and swept
me under the carpet more often than not.
I did also feel like a victim in a way, like I deserved better, but because I am the passive type (I will
put up with a lot of things that others will call out) I would push my feelings down. I didn’t realize
this until all the feelings of resentment came pouring out of me after the divorce. I thought we
needed a separation and things would get better. Things got dramatically worse, and ended
abruptly before I’d realized it I’d signed away everything to him thinking he could never live with
himself asking me for a divorce and giving me nothing after almost 30 years but 12K to pay off my
car, when he was living in a 300K house we built together and enjoying keeping his 500K 401 K
which I ask for none of. I honestly didn’t even read the decree that day. I hadn’t slept. I just walked
into the attorneys office turned to the last page and signed and walked out. I didn’t say a word to
him I was so hurt. I have just always felt like he was mentally abusive to me and my friends validate
that. I put up with it for a long time, and then I was done. I guess in a way I was still wanting to go
back for more abuse. Time has been good for me. I feel happy and the money isn’t something I
worry about now. I am grateful I have a good job where I can pay for a nice place to live, and I still
have the support of my 2 boys ages 25, and 28 that help me from time to time when I ask. The
divorce was tough on us all but we are making it. My ex-husband is no longer someone I talk to,
mainly because he never would discuss the divorce once he was out of the relationship.
After I left the marriage, I went thru a period where I had a lack of self-control. I wanted love but
the physical act was all I was allowing. I soon realized that was just an empty path to nowhere. I had
been married all my life, essentially since I met my ex-husband at 14, married at 19. I just knew that
something wasn’t right over the years though. I was constantly seeking acceptance and never
feeling like I got it.
I’m still kind of a perfectionist. That part I really can’t change, mainly because I don’t want to. I have
learned to give and take more and let people see me as I am, I don’t have to hide part of my for fear
of rejection now. But I still have a hard time accepting friends that look down on me because I chose
to leave a lifestyle my ex-husband thought was right. All the money in the world cannot change how
I feel morally. I have met a nice man who seems to understand that I am a little overbearing at
times and loves and accepts that about me.
I am just in the beginning stages, but he has brought out hope, and I am feeling so much stronger
now. Thanks for this article.
Ms Hanson
Along the same lines ar Mr Hickman, but at the foundation of the “should” was the “shoulda” for
me. History won’t change for me (nor anyone), and for better or worse, is the foundation we rebuild
ourselves upon. That I survived my past is the beginning of my remodeled life, one in which I
consider this mantra:
No one is more important than me.
Caution: this does NOT say that I am MORE important than anyone else. It says I am EQUAL to
anyone else. My needs, dreams and life matter as much as anyone else’s.
One more: I admonished my self-denigrating buddy one day to “Stop talking about my friend like
that!” They responded with “But I wasn’t talking about someone else, I was talking about me!”
Weary of listening to their negative self-talk, I stated that they were trash-talking about my friend
(themselves) and that I was not going to hear anything bad about my friends. Since then, I ask
regularly if they are “taking care of my friend.” It’s almost magical when they realize how that poor
self-talk radiates outward to everyone, exhausting the patience of those who care.
Laura
Great article! I heard something from a friend many years ago and it’s been my mantra since then:
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” That’s how the envy can start with me plus it’s one of the Ten
Commandments. That is a great list too!
Neesha
My toxic behaviour got me fired and now I’m struggling as an unemployed 24 year old.
I need to take all this on board and grow from what I know.
REB
Excellent post! While we often don’t want to admit that some of these traits exist within, reading
this post helps to realize that they do.
I do hoard pain and loss. I have a very difficult time getting rid of the deep seeded pain. I put an
emotional cloak around me to protect me from further hurt. But that’s not really living is it?
I have taken some things personally. So to read your perspective on what that really is about, is very
helpful. I assume everyone should know better and it is never good to assume anything.
While having been on the receiving end of some toxic treatment, it has been hard to not feel
victimized by it. Truthfully when bad things happen to any one of us, we are victims. But it’s when it
becomes “a toxic stance that keeps you stuck” that you realize it has taken it’s toll. Thank you for the
reminders. I’m going to work on the “human being”! I love that statement - thank you Larry’s sister!
Kara Lane
“Hiding your truth” and “being a stubborn perfectionist” are the two toxic behaviors I relate to
most. Especially when I was younger, I tried to present a certain image to the world that I was
perfect and had everything under control. My husband even teasingly called me the “Perfect
Princess on a Pedestal.” I thought I had moved past such behaviors until I re-read a book I had
published several years ago. In it, I tried not to say anything that would be criticized or create any
controversy rather than just speaking my truth. Fortunately, I was a little braver with my current
book. Some people may like it and some may not, but at least I am no longer hiding my truth.
Thanks for the reminder to be aware of our toxic behaviors…which are obvious when we see them
in others, but not so obvious when we’re the guilty party!
Kevin Halls
First time back on here for awhile but found this post very interesting. I’ve always had a bad temper
for as long as I can remember, which has led to prison sentences and relationship break ups. But
call it maturity or just plain old common sense, I’ve managed to control this very toxic behaviour
through thinking differently and learning to walk away and distancing myself for awhile, which I
never did before.
Because my temper was getting me into so much trouble I saw a psychologist about ten years ago
who helped me with this negative behaviour. But at the end of the sessions she told me I would
have to learn ways and methods to control my anger myself without her help. And thankfully
except for the odd wobble now and again I’ve managed to keep my temper in check. So having a
bad temper is as toxic as you can get so to anyone having issues controlling theirs, I’d say do
something about it or else it will bring only misery to you in the end.
reneesheart
Thank you guys as always for your insightful articles. Yes, we are all guilty of some of these
behaviors but thank God I’m learning to acknowledge them and let God help me correct them. I
have been guilty of a couple of these issues in the past and still might occasionally struggle, but the
freedom of knowing yourself and adjusting is monumental in growth in the long run.
Keep helping others…you’re a blessing.
Sebastian Daniels
These are all important to be aware of. I think for me, the biggest ones are taking everything too
personally, needing constant validation, and no emotional self-control.
Those three wreaked havoc on my life for years. Once I started to put the work into myself and
change them, my life started turning around.
Someone who is wildly emotional all the time will drive people away. Thanks for the reminders.
Taylor
I’m actually really happy i read this. Definitely a wake up call, sadly. One of my horrible toxic
behaviors is taking everything too personally. Sometimes I cant help when I overreact or get
emotional when someone says something, especially when they’re being honest. Another one would
be needing constant validation. I, though not much anymore, used to ask my boyfriend if he still
loved me. Maybe just because its nice to hear or maybe because deep down I really do need to be
validated. My boyfriend really hates when I do both toxic behaviors. I never realized that doing
these could be exhausting and could easily make others around me not want to be around me. But
after reading this, I know now that I have to watch what I say, control my feelings and realize not
everyone is out to upset me.
T.
Thank you both for this post. I read your e-mails whenever they come in but this particular post
came at just the right time for me, as I’ve been having a tough couple of days and reading this made
me realise that I do more than one of these toxic things involuntarily. Now I can actively change my
behaviour.
Thank you!
Sandy
My story is a long & painful one, but I am now free! I won’t waste anyone’s time (or my own) telling
the story. I will share that I obtained a divorce after 40 years of his addiction(s) alcohol, sex, money.
Of course I was not aware of my own denial, co-dependency, enabling, and PTSD (also toxic). People
remain in toxic relationships because of their own issues that have not been worked on. Everyone
has to “get it” when ever the time is right for them. It doesn’t mean that individual is stupid. We are
emotional beings…not logical. After three years of therapy, and the undying love of our Creator, I
have moved from surrender onto sanctity. I have worked very hard to evolve to where I am now.
Letting go of expectations (a big one), negativity, taking everything personal, and the need for
validation. This is what matters in our lives: LOVE, kindness, empathy, compassion, forgiveness (of
yourself & others sets YOU free), living in the present moment (a big one) love & nurture yourself,
because You Matter! And take some time to be of Service. We all have the power through
technology to communicate positivity. We can re-wire our brains for the Hope of our world’s future.
Live your Truth! :o)
Elizabeth Thompson, writing as Lizzi Tremayne

Thank you, Marc and Angel.
A brilliant post. I find and reflect upon something new each time I read this… and I look at it
frequently. Many things I can change and am currently changing.
The reminders are so important.

Regards from NZ,
Lizzi
Katie
I am and always have been a ‘yes I can’ type of person, glass half full, nothing is gained if you don’t
try, and why not ask, all they can do is say no. However, my ex was exactly the opposite. He would
argue about how any idea I had would fail, try to find the negative in any accomplishment I had
and, over the 25 years we were together, did his best to kill my spirit. And he almost succeeded.
When I had evolved to speaking in a monotone, not looked forward to anything anymore and saw
decades of cursing every morning I woke up to, I knew it was time to leave! So I did.
The hardest part was realizing it and deciding to do it. I knew I had to get out, that his constant
toxicity was hurting his health in a big way and would eventually get mine too. And it was only
after I had left that his friends told him how badly he’d been acting toward me. He never even
realized it. It’s now 4.5 years later. I live in another country, have been in a wonderful relationship
that will become a marriage in two months, with a man who lets me voice my opinions, believes in
my dreams and counts my optimism and faith as his greatest strengths. It hurts my heart to see my
ex still living in his toxic world, unable to let it go. And I know that he most likely always be alone
because of it. I wish I could send him this article, but I know he won’t see himself in it. But thanks
for it…hopefully some will embrace this advice and change before it’s too late.
Elizabeth Thompson, writing as Lizzi Tremayne

PS,
for years I wondered why I kept pushing people away, when all I wanted was their love… This
article explains it… and why I made the choices I did… all of it, essentially. I am finding peace in a
new writing career, which allows me to use all of my training and experiences, and pass much of it
on… The good and the bad, and hopefully it will shed light for some.
Thanks again.
Lizzi
Chris Banzet
I agree with all but one of these listed above, along with the reasons why they are so toxic. There’s
such a long list of things which cause humans to push themselves into these states. And you’re right,
the toxic repercussions that come from them can be dangerously wrecking to one’s personal as well
as professional life.
The one I disagree with though is the last one “Being a stubborn perfectionist. ” - A successful
person pushes those around him while pushing himself the hardest, and could EASILY seem to fall
into this category. There’s a difference between being an unsuccessful perfectionist, and being a
successful progressive success…
The SCARY part is, they BOTH share a LOT of the same similarities…
Laura
Something I would like to add is trying not to tell other people what to do or what they should or
shouldn’t do. People who want to make everyone else’s business their business are highly toxic. It
makes them feel important which is very controlling. As someone who has been on the receiving
end of this behavior there is nothing more effective at distancing one’s self from someone who does
that.
Kay
I have a friend who is 20 years younger than I am and absolutely beautiful. She is everything I want
to be. I used to be so envious until the day I realized that whenever I was looking at her with envy
in my eyes, I was not looking at her with love in my eyes !! And I love her more than I envy her.
Robin
Another toxic behavior is not being “present” when you are with someone. Focus on what they are
saying, what they are feeling … Listen to them instead of thinking what you’ll say when they pause
for a breath. Eye contact instead of being on your “gadgets” and nodding and saying “uh huh” every
once in a while. Don’t leave them lonely even though they aren’t alone. (If that isn’t already, that
could be a great lyric for a song!)
REB
@Kate: So very cool that a woman in her “80’s” is blogging with us! I myself am in my 50’s.
First off Kate, you are not wrong to feel a little slighted over someone not showing gratitude. I think
it is somewhat rude to not acknowledge the gift you have given them (which is your time, wisdom
and friendship). The times have somewhat changed in terms of good manners and protocol. Now,
not every young person is like this of course. (and sometimes these very people are old enough to
know better) But…..at times people who are older feel invisible by the younger generation. We all
have to remember that one day, we will all be there (if luck and fortune have it), we will live to our
50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s plus!
Just the other day I met a woman at a friends birthday party. We had a great and authentic
conversation. I offered to help her daughter find a new career. She sent me a hand written note of
gratitude on personal stationary. It was one of the loveliest gestures I have received.
So Kate, I don’t feel that you are being a victim. I’d say you got it all going on! You just want to be
appreciated like the rest of us!
Jaime
I am only 25 but I am a strong 12. I see more and more how it affects the way I do things and the
way I interact with others. I do my best not to inflict my expectations on others because I know it is
tedious but it often means I take on more than I can manage. It is hard to explain to others how
little things that don’t mean anything to them and won’t matter all that much in the long term can
be so important to me…. Makes me feel crazy at times, but it is hard to let go of the expectations I
have when it comes to quality in all the projects I take on, whether I am writing educational
information or baking cookies that have to be perfect. Thank goodness for my fiancés patience,
working on yourself is a long process.
Kathy
Wow, I had no idea how much of this applies to me.

Got some work to do on myself!
Thanks as always for a great post and blog.
Kim
Many of these toxic behaviours are unfortunately very familiar to me. The one that hit me the
hardest is how I need validation. There comes a point in time when even your biggest fan is tired of
telling you how worthy or wonderful you are. Also, I feel that it’s about time I start believing that I
am actually quite a Nice person who is good at what she does! Thanks for the great reminder!
ra
I live in constant fear. Thank you for some helpful reminders.
Brinda
Being who we are, requires deep introspection, devotion to oneself and an unbelievable amount of
compassion to be able to accept oneself and one’s personal nature. One master once said, “Stop
making yourself bitter, just be a better being!”…reading this, just helps even more in letting go of
deep wounds as they surface, especially around Full-moons…Gratitude to you both and everyone
who responded!
Letting light in & staying within…
Sussane
My goodness, I cringed at every line of this article as it describes me. Such a wake up call very much
needed. I need to work on me..sigh..
Vuong Ngo (@vuongngo_pd)
I thought I was alright til I saw last point. Seeking for perfection is not bad but push other people
around to be perfect could ruin any relationships.
therapyjourney
Check, check and check! I am guilty of some aspect of all of the toxic behaviours.
Actually, literally, all of them.
Must try harder.
tj
Debbi
WOW. WOW. WOW. I loved your words. So many of the statements you’ve made, I’ve made. I am by
no means perfect but I strive to learn myself and how to deal with what I view as victims of the
world. I find I have very little patience for the types of behaviors you have described. But again,
sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see the attributes. My journey is self discovery AND part of
that journey is admitting when to walk away from toxic people.
Thank you for sharing this.
Marc Chernoff
@Romina: Thank you for taking the time to be present.
@Marilyn: Great quote, thank you for sharing!
@Suzanne Schiavoni: Start with forgiving yourself for your own humanity – your own moments of
rage and darkness. Because, even in our darkest moments, there is a light that shines within us that
has the potential to be of service to ourselves and others in ways we may never fully comprehend.
@Renee: Know in your heart that there is strength inside you that is greater than the challenges you
face. No one can do it for you – you have to choose to use your wings.
@Ms Hanson: What a great influence you are. You friend is lucky to have you.
@All: As a final thought, please don’t feel embarrassed or cringe if you recognize some of these
behaviors in yourself. We’re all guilty at one point or another. As stated above, the key is awareness
– recognizing these behaviors and stopping them dead in their tracks. Thank you for your insightful
comments and personal stories. Angel and I can relate to so many of you, and we truly feel blessed
that you share with us.
Nils Paladau
This comprehensive list is a rundown of the behavior that essentially makes us human, frail,
mistake prone and NORMAL. The article points out the foibles of what it means to be human but
fails to include the most important goal (may I even call it a gift) for ourselves and others -
FORGIVENESS. To start the process of becoming our best selves, for ourselves and others, by not
driving others away is to forgive. To forgive ourselves when we have not measured up and forgive
others who have failed us. Before spending a single minute ‘working on’ ridding myself of any of
the self destructive behaviors listed above I would rather seek the grace from within to forgive
myself for any acts or attitudes that alienated me from someone wanting to become closer to me. If
one truly wants to behave in a toxic fashion then refuse to forgive others for the very same acts that
we perpetrate on one another daily.
I am stressed for time so I may add more later.
Be well.
Nils
RubySoho
“This comprehensive list is a rundown of the behavior that essentially makes us human, frail,
mistake prone and NORMAL. The article points out the foibles of what it means to be human but
fails to include the most important goal (may I even call it a gift) for ourselves and others -
FORGIVENESS. ”
I’ve recently been in a tough life transition involving a difficult new job and relocation. This has
made me less available for friends and I know I haven’t been communicating very well, and
unfortunately, one friend (who I considered a close friend) has not been empathetic or forgiving
about this situation. I have seen the “perfectionism” the article warns about in her before in
unreasonably high expectations for friendships, and that is evident in the way she has cut off
contact with me despite my efforts to reach out to her and accept my responsibility after our
“communication breakdown.” I know I have my flaws, and recognize that I can be difficult at times,
but I am disappointed that this friend has cut me off this way. It’s not easy to make good friends as
you get older (we are 30 somethingds), so you would think she would be less perfectionist and more
willing to be there for her friends during trying times.
Oruala
A lot of these behaviors can happen when a person is really badly depressed; Or going through
traumatic experiences; or going through grief. They my not have a whole lot of control over these
behaviors at the time. Counselling and help can only do so much. This article is interesting for those
who are in their full health, but I fear that it gives other people licence to be unforgiving and cut off
people who are really struggling (When cutting that person off is exactly the worst thing that you
can do) (I know that the article does go deeper than this but the title of the article and the titles of
the chapters seem to lack compassion in comparison to the overall meaning)
Like Nils Paladau mentions. Forgiveness is incredibly important. Forgiving others and yourself. If
you are incorrectly perceived to be behaving like this when you are not, people may cut you off.
There is only so much you can do about that. All one can do is let it go, sometimes. And hope that
the other partly changes their perception in the future.
Samantha
Almost all of them ring true with me, in some small way or another, like envy I keep it hidden in my
mind cause I know it’s wrong so I look at what I’m envious of and turn it into respect for the person
who has what I envy. Then I work on myself to be worthy of getting what it is that I truly wish I had.
But there’s one thing I do constantly in every relationship I get and I am working on stopping , it’s
hard and painful to do but, every once in a while during my relationship I get supremely
introverted where I don’t even want any one near me I just want to be alone and hide in a hole. Not
sure why just kinda happens. But yea that’s my toxic behaviors
Britney
My toxic trait that I need to work on is my high expectations. I expect perfection from everyone and
it rolls into my business life, my friends, anyone I date.. I expect perfection which leads to
disappointment. I just need to relax and be okay with imperfections.
A trait that others have that are toxic that pushes me away is selfish people. People that don’t
respect or value your time so they are always late. Or, they are so selfish that everything has to go
on their schedule. That is my biggest pet peeve.
Thanks for the good read. Much needed!
Kobus
Hiding my truth is probably one of my biggest one although I do see myself in some of the others.
Over emotional, validation, taking things to personally. I’ve came to a very hard realization in my
34 years that I have always put others happiness in front of my own and through that I’ve realized I
started to compromise too much and I’ve lost sight of who I am. What bugs me is that this is no one’s
fault but my own. I’ve changed and it’s time to change back. To be myself again, cause no matter
what you do, you are the important one. I’ve always thought that it’s selfish to think of myself but
I’m slowly realizing now that it’s the most unselfish thing I can do. “we wear masks for so long that
when we take them off we take off a bit of our own skin”.
Maty
Numbers 2 and 3: I hate whispering. I’ve got this thing where if I hear friends whispering about
something I automatically assume they are making fun of me or trash talking me. Maybe this stems
from being bullied in school (#4)? I’m not sure, but I know it’s neurotic and damaging to
relationships.
Mark
When my son died of cancer a few years ago I used that as an excuse to check out of life. My wife
stuck with me and I am trying to get a hold of myself. This blog is helping me to get over this and
back into life. I realized (finally) that I was being selfish and I had to go on with my life.
Thanks for all the posts on your site. I try and read every one of them. It gets me thinking.
Tom
Nice work Romina! Good comment. It’s so depressing to think how out of the moment we all have
become with the amount of lazy stimulation available etc. have you ever gone back to check a
locked door or car? That really annoys me!
Bonny
Thank you for this amazing article. I struggle with a few of these toxic behaviors. One of the main
ones= a perfectionist. I live in constant fear and always shoot myself down even before I’ve tried to
take on a task, in fear of not being able to give it my all(comparing myself to others and their
accomplishments) I am indecisive in what I like& want out of life. The fear that if I fail, it will
destroy every bit of my remaining self esteem and self-worth. I’m constantly looking for validation
in others to accept me and I fear of being judged. Not pretty enough, not fit enough, not educated
enough. As I get older, all these behaviors seem to be getting worse. I hope I can break out of this
destructive routine and start to love myself.. thanks again for this well written article. =)
Cheryl McPherson
Wow! Great post and great comments. I too am going to take a moment and live in today rather
than “running through” life because so much of this touched my heart.
I am a psychotherapist and it is true that every human experiences some and/or all of these (and
possibly other) toxic behaviours. As one commentator said we are emotional beings (even when we
build up our walls). But as Marc and Angel stated we need to acknowledge and re-adjust our
behaviour when necessary.
@Val - You can definitely heal from your past traumas, it just may take some help from someone
else to guide you through it. If you have tried therapy before, it may be that you did not have a
therapist that was compatible with you and your needs. Yes it is true we do not work well with
everyone. I always tell folks to interview their therapist and ask them important questions about
who they are as a therapist and human, how and/or why they got where they are, and how do they
view their own practice. If you have other questions you think are important ask, the worst they
can say is that they will not answer. If they are not willing to answer your important questions then
there is a possibility that you may have difficulty building a therapeutic relationship with them,
which is a two way street.
Finally, I really want to say thank you to everyone who left comments! No one flamed anyone else,
everyone was self-reflective and introspective. And in some cases even posting positive feedback to
specific commentators. I often find I read/view something online and then I move to the comments
section and it is the MOST toxic environment. Today the comment section lifted me up as much. if
not slightly more, as the original article itself. I too will be printing this and passing on to clients,
colleagues, family and friends.
lynne
Hi, another great and awesome article. For me, it is really hard to let go, be it love, frustrations or
anything that affected our life in the past but we’ve got to set ourselves free from all of these
negative things. It is true indeed that it takes hard work to let go and refocus our thoughts, but as
what you’ve said… It is all worth it. Thanks for sharing.
Laverne
I recently came out of a deep depression. It only ended when a friend who seemed to have it all,
committed suicide. I have struggled for years in each of the areas you mention above. My past, from
a child, is so full of trauma that now that I am in my 50’s, I am still dealing with toxicity that pushes
people away or places them in bondage to my need to be validated. It is sickening but I do not know
how to break it. I went to seek therapy some years ago that was told that I was fine and coping well,
in spite of all I have been through. After that visit, I never sought counseling again… I was not fine!
However, based on Cheryl’s suggestions to Val, I may seek out a therapist again. Thank you.
Michael Smith
August 21st, 2014 at 10:08 pm
Marsha Lee’s comment on envy hits home with me. I have so often felt that the experiences or
advice of anyone besides myself was more valid or true, as if they had a better understanding of the
world than I did. This has caused such damage in my life. Feeding 2-5, for me. It is difficult to move
against this feeling, hard to convince yourself that those things aren’t true and that you can feel
differently. But the work I have done so far is noticeable, and even with those days when I slide
back into those holes, overall it is worth it to keep moving forward. I mean, what other choice is
there, standing still or falling back is insufferable.
Thank you for this list, and for these comments.
Jeremy
August 22nd, 2014 at 2:58 pm
Overall, Brilliant!
Also, all the comments I have read, Brilliant!
“Hiding Your Truth” hits the nail right on the head. I never knew until recently how painful it is to
hide from yourself. I only found out when I stopped hiding, and realized what a relief it was.
I have recently come out as a transvestite. This was a big deal for me, my family, and some of my
friends. Some people did fade away, but the ones who were always true to me remained. For the
most part, the people who went away were pretty toxic themselves in the first place. I didn’t come
completely out with it for several years, because I was afraid of how people would react to a man
dressed in women’s clothing and makeup. Indeed, I have been asked a few times if I had “lost a bet”
or something. But for the most part, the people I meet day to day simply take it in stride, or ask
polite questions. One dear old lady told me once that my nail polish looked nicer than hers!
The point of all this is, once I had come out and fully accepted who I was, and stopped being
ashamed of it, the reaction I got was almost the exact opposite of what I was expecting. People liked
me more. I seemed to become more approachable. And most of all, I feel this profound sense of
relief in being completely myself, and having given myself permission to be OK with it.
bre
#6. I think past hurts have me exploding in anger sometimes. It’s not a daily thing but when it
happens the guilt afterwards is almost as.bad as the anger. I’m able to go back and say sorry, but the
anger sorta sneaks up on me. By the time I realize what I’m doing I’m done. The anger sorta burns
it’s way through me. I truly don’t know how to stop it or why I became this way. I was always the
quit one in school, never complained or got angry. My home.life was not always the best but I
wasn’t beaten or anything like that. Just had parents that fought a lot and yelled. But like I said as a
teenager and younger I was never the dramatic, loud, fighting type. Never asserting my will on
anyone. Not sure where it all went wrong…..
Jane
This is so timely for me. I have a sister who fits almost all of these characteristics. She does not
cheat. But just this evening she started a giant fight with our other sister in front of our mother
(who has a terminal illness, and thus should be able to have bigger fish to fry). Somehow my name
got involved, even though I live 250 miles away from them. Now we are all left floundering in her
wake, with anxiety and concern. She refuses to see that she has pushed away her family, friends,
and even her daughter who hasn’t spoken to her in several weeks and even has had to go to a
counselor to deal with issues stemming from their relationship. I have tried to distance myself from
her, but I see her every time I go to my mother’s house. I love her, but I can’t open myself up to her
abuse any more. Is there anything we can do? Please help us, I don’t want my mother to have to
continue to witness this kind of anger when she is sick.
Martha
August 23rd, 2014 at 1:53 am
Words to grow by.
Alice
4, 5, 10… I recently lost my brother to suicide. He left behind two beautiful children. Which changed
my views on quite a few things, but not him. I looked up to him more than you could imagine. I feel
this pain will never fully leave me. Sometimes I wonder if it does, it means I’ve let him go as well.
Thank you for posting this, I think I can repair this before a month turns into years. If not for
myself, for my amazing nephews.
Annie
September 6th, 2014 at 2:05 am
I am glad I read this blog as it has given me some clarity plus some much needed food for thought.
Numbers 2 and 3 — taking everything personally and always being a victim — are stagnating my
life right now. Frankly, for me they are intertwined. Because I tend to believe every rejection or
rude comment is due to a personal flaw or misstep on my part, I often feel the victim of others’
misunderstanding of me and my intentions and that I must somehow fix that scenario. It is good to
be reminded that, yes, folks may indeed misunderstand me, but often it’s due to their own filters
through which they are viewing the world at that moment and has nothing to do with my values,
goals, or dreams.
Wanda
September 10th, 2014 at 8:54 am
Sad to say that almost all of these describe who I am or was. Coincidentally on yesterday I made a
vow to begin again and then I ran into this article. My behavior has destroyed my current and past
love relationships, friendships, family relationships, my self-esteem, worth, value and has made me
stagnant in my career. I say all that to ask now that some light has been shed on these toxic
behaviors where and how do I begin to remove, demolish, destroy and change these ways? I want to
know how to recognize them and instantly nip them in the bud. I am disappointed in myself that at
the age of 37 I am just recognizing these things. However on the other hand I am excited for change.
I am so in love right now but my actions show otherwise and I’ve pushed them away. I don’t know
where to begin to heal our relationship other than to start with the change in me. Thank you for this
has enlightened me and given me a new perspective to move forward in being my authentic self
and not a hurt, fragile, victimizing person.
Michael
September 25th, 2014 at 8:39 pm
This is a great post. I am struggling with all of these behaviours. It is a constant battle that I am
losing. I wish I could turn it off and enjoy life but I can’t. I’m losing my girlfriend who I believe isn’t
the problem but continue to fight and blame her for things. I can’t get a handle on any of these
behaviours and I hate myself more than ever.
I’m trying to keep it together and move forward. I will be reading this post a lot in the next few
weeks, hope it helps me get a little more stable.
Thx
Marie
October 3rd, 2014 at 1:02 am
The humility & introspection of the comments following this post I find inspiring & beautiful. All the
various experiences we’ve had bring us to where we are in life & that includes pain & suffering.
Back in 2008/09 I had many dark, hopeless times. I didn’t think I’d ever be truly happy again, yet
digging deep & reflecting on much of what is also in this post gradually changed my outlook & has
made the past few years unbelievably rewarding & wonderful.
Hang in there those who are hurting for so many understandable reasons; I believe much goodness
lies ahead!
Jessica
October 6th, 2014 at 5:04 pm
Number 1 might be my biggest problem. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel no
matter how hard I try, there are some people around me who just want me to feel envious of them. I
got out of an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and I have been single ever since. I will
be 29 soon and I don’t meet many single guys let alone date them. I am surrounded by married
people who constantly ask me why I am not dating or getting married and it really hurts
me.Because it isn’t like I want to be lonely for the rest of my life. It just hasn’t happened for me yet
and their constant questioning and attitude like they are better than me is really very hurtful. Some
days I just don’t see the point in doing anything with my life because apparently being in a
relationship is the single thing that defines you.
cassie
October 17th, 2014 at 1:14 pm
People who require to be in control, who don’t encourage other people, who are filled with pride
and put down others to show how great they themselves are, or demand to take over a project or
role to try to communicate they are better, or who won’t take constructive criticism nor
compliments from any they deem inferior to themselves, or who take undeserved praise and credit
- that is toxic too.
Toni
October 24th, 2014 at 12:54 am
A friend and I just had this conversation today about being controlled by fear. I want to live fully in
the moment and enlarge my box. Its knowing what to do to make your box larger. Its the courage to
look at yourself and then take that leap of faith. I am working on this one as I believe I need a vision
to focus on to me make this happen.
Also, changing the way I think of myself by turning my back on my victim and fear of mentality.
#Done#movingontoabetterlife.
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12 Toxic Behaviors That Push People Away From You

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Marc and Angel Hack Life

post written by: Marc Chernoff

12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away From You

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The twelve most common toxic behaviors we see are:

The floor is yours…

Possibly Related Posts:

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Filed under Happiness, Life, Relationships

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Great reminders in this post.

We need to appreciate each moment as much as possible =)

Great post, once again.

I loved the suggestions you gave, and appreciate your insight.

I get over it of course but that first sadness is always there.

Thank you Marc and Angel…more power to you.

Lei Lani Lucero

No one is more important than me.

Keep helping others…you’re a blessing.

Elizabeth Thompson, writing as Lizzi Tremayne

Thank you, Marc and Angel.

The reminders are so important.

Elizabeth Thompson, writing as Lizzi Tremayne

Wow, I had no idea how much of this applies to me.

Thanks as always for a great post and blog.

I live in constant fear. Thank you for some helpful reminders.

Letting light in & staying within…

Actually, literally, all of them.

Must try harder.

Thank you for sharing this.

@Romina: Thank you for taking the time to be present.

@Marilyn: Great quote, thank you for sharing!

Thanks for the good read. Much needed!

Thank you for this list, and for these comments.

Words to grow by.

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